Shameless US s08e09 Episode Script

The Fugees

1 Hey.
I'm living under a highway with a dead guy, and I didn't miss Shameless last week.
Get your shit together, man.
I appreciated all your help today, but I didn't ask for it.
I chose booze a long time ago.
You don't like what you see, don't look.
For a small fee, I'll get you and your family across.
Hey, Frank, if you're going to Canada, can you bring me back some Canadian insulin? It's 50 percent cheaper up there.
The fuck is this? This is a piece of shit that you're gonna turn into not a piece of shit.
This isn't what it looks like.
What, like you got some other girl pregnant? It happened when Sierra and I weren't together.
Sierra know? I haven't had a chance to tell her yet.
It looks like you've had nine months to tell her.
- Are you a homosexual, Ian? - Indeed, I am.
Would you like to come up to the altar and bring Jesus back into your life? [IAN.]
I already got Jesus in my life.
Any of you queers sick of this bullshit and want to get out of here? [CLAPPING.]
You were awesome.
Going at it with that pastor.
It's on YouTube.
It already got, like, 1,000 hits.
- Irish Ford? - [MEL.]
- He's the father? - [NESSA.]
Yeah, for both of us.
- And our kids are gonna look - Oh.
Just like that.
Is that that's one of Ford's? - [MEL.]
- [NESSA.]
- Five kids, huh? - Yeah.
It's getting a little out of hand.
Now who's complicated? Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
There's usually a ribbon on this tree.
That way.
Do you know where you're going? Uh, straight and to the left.
But I think we passed that tree before.
Are we even in Canada yet? Shut up.
Just a little bit further.
Here we go.
Get down! [Soft suspenseful music.]
Oh, fuck.
Operation Abort.
I repeat, Operation Abort! - [PEOPLE YELLING.]
[rousing music.]
- Oh, my God.
- What's going on? Just go north.
Go north.
- Wha - Just keep going north.
- I can't - Everything will be fine.
- Go north.
- But who is that? - I can't see anybody out there.
- Go fucking - I don't know who it is.
- Is it bandits or thugs? There's not enough room, okay? Go find another tree.
Jesus Christ, you're like a bad dream.
I don't know who it is.
- Do you see anybody? - No, I don't see Hello.
Wrong side of the border, boys, eh? [SOFTLY.]
Oh, fuck.
Think we found your hiking trail.
Oh, shit.
What time is it? It's still early.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sleep over.
No worries.
- I'm sort of hard to resist.
- Mm.
- Yeah, well, standing up for gender nonconformists kind of makes you irresistible.
Oh, well, I can quote some misinterpreted Bible verses right now if it'll get you off.
I should go.
This is it's kind of nice, like, us being a thing again, right? Jury's still out.
You're getting tougher, Gallagher.
You didn't cry once.
Yeah, I think my, uh, pain threshold is improving.
You, uh, wanna grab breakfast? Gotta get to the crib.
My niece is getting dropped off.
Oh, you got a niece? My sister's kid.
Oh, you got a sister? Half sister.
My shithead dad's kid with some skank he barely knew.
She's been in and out of rehab, like, 100 times.
I look after her kid sometimes.
Hey, it was cool having you stay over.
You get soft on me and I'll bury my knee into your throat.
[Rock music.]
Fiona, your dog's been barking all fuckin' night.
Wasn't Rusty.
He was with me at the apartment.
This is where we first made ramen noodles together.
What's with the documentary? Oh, I'm making a video scrapbook for my boo before he goes AWOL on me.
Kassidi's having some separation anxiety with me leaving to go back to the academy in a couple weeks.
She wants to make sure I remember the goods I got back at home.
This is where you first went down on me.
She's crazy about me.
Oh, place is turning into the fuckin' Super 8.
Yeah, that's why I've been sleeping at my building.
What, you haven't rented that apartment yet? No, I will.
Just too many folks crashing here right now.
Hey, we get another dog? [DEBBIE.]
That's Toto.
He's tied up outside.
The fuck's a Toto? Belongs to the hipster couple up the street.
Got a job dog sitting.
Like 101 Dalmatians up in here.
Yeah, Toto sounds pissed, Debs.
Yeah, he gets barky sometimes.
I can't figure out why.
But they pay 40 bucks a day, and I need money for welding school tuition.
- [IAN.]
- [FIONA.]
You and, uh, Trev boning again? Definitely turning a corner.
Everybody's boning somebody but me? We don't call it boning.
It's uniting our souls.
Duran and I call it "besties with benefits.
" - Does a hickey count? - [SCOFFS.]
I hope you're all double-bagging.
This place is already too crowded.
Burn this into your mind.
Ready to take on Svetlana today? [KEV.]
Dominance is in my DNA.
It was hibernating inside me like a baby bear.
But now I'm woke.
- Grown and grizzly.
You wanna practice the rules again? I'm a man, V.
Men don't practice.
We perform.
Svetlana is a professional ballbuster.
You gotta come strong.
Oh, I'm gonna lay down the law at The Alibi.
No more Mr.
Nice Guy.
There are new rules, there's a new attitude, and I want to be called "sir.
" "Sir Kev.
" No, nah, just just "sir.
" Maybe "Sir Ball"? [VERONICA.]
I want her wearing a uniform.
One of those ugly grandma blouse that you tie up to the neck.
I'm tired of her flashing her ta-tas all around.
From now on, your ta-tas will be the only ta-tas getting flashed.
This bacon? It's not crispy enough.
Do it again.
You guys actually do wear those hats.
I thought that was only in cartoons.
So you 'fugees come here, pick up some Invokana, Advair, EpiPens, smuggle it back.
Hey, we're servants of a just cause, huh? Health care in the States rapes the elderly and the poor.
Our way's the only way some grandpa's not gonna keel over from leukemia before his 90th birthday.
Or a kid in some tenement doesn't stop breathing after a peanut butter sandwich.
Lot of cash.
How much were you planning to buy? Well what do you say you just drop us right up here, you hold on to the stash for some Tim Hortons? No harm, no foul.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey.
I'm gonna pretend you didn't just attempt to bribe a member of Her Majesty's Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
How 'bout you pretend you didn't just arrest us? This poor homeless man needs asylum from the war-torn streets of Aleppo.
The United States turned its back on him.
I'm a computational biologist at Loyola who overstayed my visa.
I'm soliciting empathy, Muhammad.
Nobody likes a braggart.
It's Rami.
Sounds nothing like Muhammad.
- [CRASH.]
Ow! Ah! Jesus! [PANTING.]
What was that? The fuck? [Upbeat rock music.]
That, Mr.
Computer Biology, was a gift from Allah.
Let's go.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- [RAMI.]
- [RAMI.]
Are they dead? - Uh Let's go.
Ouch! What are you doing? The border is south.
I'm not going back.
I'm headed north.
I'm not staying here.
God damn it! I am not going back! Oh, you son of a bitch.
- No, you don't.
No, you don't.
- Come on.
Come on.
- No.
- Let's go.
We gotta go this - Let's go this way! - No! No! It's right around here.
Some issue with the roof.
One of my tenants complained about leaking? Looks like exposed flashing.
Take a look.
Definitely gonna have to re-tar around the entire perimeter.
Thinking it should be, like, a one-day job, you know? Cost you about 675.
$675? Materials and labor included.
You don't want to wait on this.
You'll end up with rain damage, mold.
End up costing you a lot more in the long run.
Five hundred, and I'll refer you to Margo Mierzejewski.
She's rehabbing a lot of properties around here.
Definitely gonna need some roofing.
I'll do it for 550, half up front.
- Cash okay? - You got a deal.
What if you applied for a single room? That way, I can sneak in at night and visit you.
We live in barracks.
Twenty dudes to a room.
Well, I can park a trailer nearby.
Then you can sneak out and visit me.
We can FaceTime after evening chow and on the weekends.
What about conjugal visits? I mean, I can't go a month without seeing you and your little soldier.
Me and my big soldier.
We can do stuff over the phone.
It'll be freaky.
I'm not gonna see you for months.
I mean, I'm proud of you for serving your country and all, but what am I supposed to do? I can't go back and live at my parents' while I leave you to the military slut groupies.
There's no girls.
There's always girls.
I am not losing you to some bitch with a fucking uniform fetish.
You really wanna leave this behind? And we're gonna get some beds here, soon as we get our occupancy permits.
He gonna have to pay anything? Shelter's free.
My folks kicked him out for good this time.
Still beats having 'em pray over me day and night.
Thanks for getting him out of there before they sent him to that homo rehab.
This place seems cool.
It's for those of us who were told we don't belong anywhere.
I mean, there's a lot of people who believe that Jesus wasn't just some homophobic prick, right? - Can I help you? - Excuse me.
Are you the guy from YouTube? Who are you? I'm Deacon Jason Cook, from Ebenezer Baptist Church.
This here is Father Monroe from Saint Elizabeth's.
And, um, we want to discuss your message.
My message is, Jesus is nonbinary, so deal with it, Deacon.
Amen to that.
We support an inclusive vision, son.
We're not here to contradict you.
We want to thank you.
Your words have been inspiring.
I think I think you're what the people need.
New rule.
No more of your ta-tas hanging out.
This is a decent establishment.
There will be a dress code.
This is shirt to bury Catholic nun in, huh? Not to sell drinks.
It's your new uniform.
This will teach you a lesson that you don't fuck over the people you love.
" "Tupyye.
" You say that a lot.
It means "stupid," right? Well, here's a new new rule.
You don't call us stupid anymore.
Gotta tell you, kid, I looked over Mr.
Youens' case, and there's not much to go on.
He was in court drunk? Yeah, it's not his finest moment.
Um how much time do you think he's gonna get? Probably the max.
Right, but I mean, he's old.
Can't you plead hardship or something? We got 30 days to appeal after sentencing.
I'll do my best, but I'm not Houdini, kid.
We knock a couple years off, that's a hell of a win.
All right, w-what else can I do? Commissary money.
They always need that.
Yo, man, can I grab you for a second? I'm-I'm kind of busy right now.
I just wanted to, uh All right shh.
Excuse me.
Look, I just wanted to say I appreciate you not ratting me out, you know? Yeah, you tell her yet? I'm gonna.
It just hasn't been the right time.
All right, just keep me out of it, okay? What's up? Hey, babe.
Um can I have your car keys? I gotta run some errands.
You guys cool? - Yeah, we're cool.
- Yeah.
- Toto.
Hi, um, I'm here to discuss payment options for my class, Advanced Arc Welding, second level.
- Name? - Gallagher, Debra.
Your tuition is 2,500.
Check or credit card? I don't actually have that much.
How much do you have? Saved about 200 bucks cash to put down.
You can put that down, but the deadline for registration is tomorrow.
And we're gonna need the remaining 2,300 to hold your slot.
That your son? Grandson.
This is my daughter.
Her name's Franny.
I had her a couple years ago.
Her father ran off and left me pregnant all by myself.
I've been begging on street corners.
I almost lost her to Child Services.
I need this welding certificate so I can get a good job and make real money and make her proud of me.
So I can stop feeling like I messed up my life by having her, because she makes my life better.
I'm gonna sign you up retroactively for the deferred plan.
Bring this back tomorrow with 300 bucks.
Add it to the 200 that you already put down.
That's 20 percent of the tuition.
I can't bend past that.
Thank you.
I'll have it.
I really appreciate it.
- Have a good day.
- You too.
- Toto! Toto! Toto, stop.
Sorry about that, ma'am.
She gets weird sometimes.
- Come.
Bad dog.
[Electronic rock music.]
Ah! Jesus, man.
Shut the fuck up, would you? Look, look, look, look, look.
A cabin.
We gotta find something to cut these cuffs.
We're gonna have to break in.
I'm not breaking into anything.
Oh, you want to get righteous now? Now you want to start obeying the laws? You are old.
You are white.
I am not old.
I am brown.
Who do you think they're gonna throw the book at? Well, I didn't hear you complaining about the white man when you were depending on me for your personal freedom and safety.
I gave you $200 to lead a hike.
You're not a freedom fighter.
You're a you're a You're an overpaid Boy Scout.
I should have charged you double for ingratitude.
- I'm gonna have to kick it in.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! It's Canada.
Nobody locks their doors.
Ah, there's no saw.
Are you, uh Are you left-handed or right? What? Whoa! You gotta make sacrifices for freedom, Muhammad.
- What are you - [HORSE NEIGHS.]
- Come on, let's go! - Shit.
Yo, ditch the weed! [TIRES SCREECHING.]
Jesus, Toto.
[upbeat rock music.]
Is that what you've been barking at? What the hell? [DOG BARKS.]
Place is looking good.
Yeah, I spruced it up a bit.
Been sleeping here to get out of my overcrowded house.
I kind of like it.
So thanks for helping me out.
I was just gonna throw a nail in it and hammer it down.
- Jesus, you're killing me.
Never put a nail in the tongue and groove, you'll split it.
Touch it.
- What? - The wood.
- What? - The floor.
It's historic.
Well, this time, I gotta pay you for your work.
It wasn't work.
It was charity.
You saying I'm a charity case? No.
Your floors are.
What are you doing later? Tonight? This afternoon.
Some friends are going bowling.
Trendy spot.
Good happy hour menu.
Should be fun.
Are you asking me on a date? Just telling you where I'll be.
'Cause I don't want to get too complicated.
You can't help what you are.
I'll text you the info.
Come if you can.
It'll be an enlarged photo.
I'm grown, loser.
Yes, I know what it's a picture of.
It's my vagina.
I'm gonna go get us some Cokes.
Yeah, I want it hanging up in his dorm room, larger than life.
Can I get two Cokes and some woman advice? Ah-ah, lay it on me.
Kassidi's freaking out 'cause I have to go back to military school.
She's worried it's gonna end our relationship.
Well, she's probably right.
Teenage relationships don't have a high success rate.
Teenage relationships are only good for herpes and mono.
Sounds like she's looking for you to make a move.
What kind of move? A romantic gesture to show how much you love her.
I once shaved my pubes into a "V" for V.
But it looked like it stood for "vagina.
" My advice: think it through.
Anything simpler? Nipple piercing.
Small but meaningful.
Could get her name tattooed over your heart.
Or put a collar around your balls and give her the leash.
If she's pressuring you, you need to tell her to fall back.
Military school got your shit together.
Can't let anybody screw that up for you.
Well, she helped me earn the money for military school.
She's not trying to screw me up.
She loves me.
Mm, 'sup, gang? What are we all talking about? We're talking about how important it is for Carl to stay in school.
Thanks a lot, V.
Kass, wait up.
You're mutilating my fucking heart! - That kid is doomed.
I am looking for Svetlana Yevgenivna, pozhaluista.
Svetlana! Customer! Freelania Alexeyevich? I am blast from whoring past, no? Hey! No speaking Russian! Five minutes and you're back unloading the liquor stock.
What do you want? You helped to smuggle me into this country.
Freelania Alexeyevich always repays her debts.
You said you would drop dead before I could find anyone to turn me from whore to wife.
I would like to see you die now, please.
Not true.
You were always ugly bottom-feeder, only good for hand jobs.
Very true.
It's too bad you are still bitter prostitute slave working for poor people.
If you weren't such a cunt, madam, you might be able to marry well too.
$4,500 for 40 pounds of lube and vagina cleanse.
Debt repaid.
Now you are a "ugly bottom-feeder.
" Break time's over.
Account number 79877821.
Okay, uh, 30 bucks, please? Great, and-and do I get a confirmation number on that or Okay.
Thank you.
Sal, she's lactose intolerant.
I wrote "no cheese.
" [SIGHS.]
You okay? Yeah.
How's Youens doing? Shitty.
He's got a sentence hearing coming up.
And I'm still pissed, but who else has he got, you know? Shouldn't give a fuck, but He's lucky to have you.
How's Charlie? He's trying really hard to be a good dad.
You know, showing up when he says he's going to, not lying all the time anymore.
It's really good for Lucas.
- [SAL.]
- Yeah.
Sorry to hear about Youens.
If you need anything, let me know.
- Hey, uh, question.
- Mm-hmm? You know when Frank ruined your wedding and told you about Sean and the heroin? Jesus, don't remind me.
Would it have been worse if Frank knew and never told you? What's going on? Um, Sierra's dude got some other girl pregnant.
Oh, shit.
She know? No, no.
I'm trying not to feel like a douchebag for not having told her.
No, no.
Let her find out from him.
- Okay.
- Question.
If I'm making a profit here at Patsy's and I have enough tenants in my apartment building, you think I can spare one apartment for myself? You moving out? I was thinking about it.
Can't decide if I can afford it.
Well, at least you know you won't get evicted.
- Hi, Debs.
- Hey.
Hey, Sierra, can I get a Coke? Thanks.
- Toto.
Debs, your dog is harassing my customers.
Think he's doing his job, Fiona.
Think he may be a drug dog.
Look, keep Toto on a short leash or tie him up outside.
Hey, babe.
I got your text.
What's the sitch? [WOMAN.]
Oh, he's so cute.
Your salon still full of stoners? Yeah, my most loyal customers.
- Hmm.
- Why? Think I may have a cheap supplier who specializes in weed.
You got product on you? How much do we need to sell to make 300 bucks by tomorrow? [SIGHS.]
About 15 dub sacks.
I can unload it.
Who's your supplier? He goes by the street name "Toto.
[rousing Western music.]
Help me with the saddle.
I'm not stealing a horse.
The Mounties are gonna be on our tails.
You wanna get caught? I don't know the first thing about riding a horse.
It's no different than riding a camel.
I've never rid a camel, asshole! [DOOR OPENS.]
What are you doing with Piper? Aren't you cute? What's your name? Jeni.
That's my horse.
I-I we-we know how this must look, Jeni.
Uh, but we're sort of in a desperate way.
Would you mind if we borrowed Piper and then send her back? Dad! - No, no, no, no, honey.
- Jesus Christ.
- Don't do that.
- Dad! - No, we're not gonna hurt you.
- Dad! Help! [BLOW LANDS.]
You just punched a little girl! Okay, that w That was an accident.
I was going more for a soft tap.
You're so tiny.
Oh, my God.
Let's get the fuck out of here, bareback.
- [FRANK.]
You're too close.
- [RAMI.]
Okay! - Ju - Where-where should I hold on? I ju no, you can put your arms around my waist.
That's weird.
That's really weird.
My God, you're so fucking uptight.
I'm slipping.
I'm slipping.
- Well, you better hold on.
- Okay.
All right.
- Slow down.
Slow down.
- No, we gotta go faster.
God, you're breathing right in my face.
- [RAMI.]
I'm sorry.
- [FRANK.]
Hold on.
- [RAMI.]
Jesus Christ! - [FRANK.]
- [RAMI.]
My knee! [RAMI.]
Jesus Christ! Ah! And then Pastor's like, "Nina's ready to give her life to Christ and rebuke Satan.
" And I'm just like "Shit.
Does this mean I can't still fuck girls?" [SOFT LAUGHTER.]
They tell you that Jesus had all these messed-up ideas, but the truth is that you fucking girls is exactly what Jesus wants you to do, because that's love and Jesus is love.
You know, most of the assholes are closeted gays anyway.
They wish they were as free as you.
So why should we stop anybody from being exactly who God created us to be? We are living examples of God's creation, Jesus' love.
Boys kissing boys is Jesus' love.
Girls kissing girls Jesus' love.
So you tell your church "amen" to that.
- Amen.
- All right.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Cool spot.
- Yeah.
Let me, uh, introduce you to the crew.
- This is Mei Ling, Natasha.
- Hi.
Indio, Marlina, Sophie, Trisha, and Jose.
- Hi.
- Everybody, this is Fiona.
Not gonna remember any of that.
- Nice to meet ya.
So how do you know Ford? Uh, he helped me with some stuff at my apartment building.
How about you guys? We met in Nepal, when he was doing photography for Associated Press.
Nepal? Ford is incredible with his hands.
Renovated our home when he and I lived together.
Long time ago.
Okay, Fiona, you're on Mei and Indio's team.
Natasha, get up here.
You're with me and Jose.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
This isn't, like, a like, a league or anything, is it? No, it's just for fun.
I mean, I only bowl a 225.
What's your average? I-I have no idea? [PINS CLATTER.]
- Yes! - Beautiful! - Beautiful! - All right.
I know it's still early in the season, but Indiana [MAN CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
Svetlana's been on that laptop all day.
I don't trust it.
Think she's plotting revenge? This is the same chick who offed her husband/father and no one's ever found the body.
Permission to take cigarette break, Sir Ball? Permission granted.
She gonna kill us.
Dinner's ready.
- Lucas out of the bath? - Yeah.
This looks good.
Soy sauce or no soy sauce? Soy sauce.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
You okay? Yeah.
I'm cool.
I gotta run.
We're about to eat.
Um, I gotta go.
I'll call you later.
All right? Charlie.
Yes, Team Fiona! [CHUCKLES.]
- [speaking German.]
- Mm, mm-hmm.
[Speaking German.]
[speaking German.]
So do you, uh, all speak multiple languages? I only speak English and Mandarin.
Are you from China? No.
How long have you and Ford been friends? He's my ex.
We were together for two years.
You're his ex too? And Sophie, he did a year and a half with her.
Three with Natasha.
Hey, Nessa, what's up? [NESSA.]
There was an accident at the building.
One of the dudes working on the roof fell.
What? [NESSA.]
He's okay, but you should get here ASAP.
Okay, yeah, I'm on my way.
I gotta go.
There was, uh, an accident at my building.
One of the roofer guys fell off the roof.
I'll go with you.
[Speaking German.]
- Later, man.
- All right.
See you.
Gonna go take Xan for some pizza.
You still working? Yeah, I'll lock up.
What's up? What you mean? I mean you only stay late when something's fucking you up.
I'm cool.
All right, go have fun.
What, Youens still? [SOFTLY.]
Yeah, I just, uh I can't stop picturing him in an orange jumpsuit for the rest of his life, you know? You can't fix everything.
Hey, um think you could help me release a little stress? Gotta be quick.
I'm hungry.
Hey, Xan? [LIP.]
Can you play that game in the office? [EDDIE.]
Beat it, Xan.
Oh, sh-shit, I'm sorry.
I, um I ju Shit.
- Hey.
- I'm sorry.
I-I just didn't have anywhere else to go.
Wh-what's wrong? [EXHALES, SNIFFLES.]
- What? Charlie got some girl pregnant.
She just had the fucking baby.
He's at the hospital with her, and he just Lying motherfucker.
You okay? I don't know, I just I can't fucking see straight.
he just left in the middle of dinner.
Like, what the fuck? Hey, look, it's all right, okay? You got every right to be pissed.
Now just breathe, okay? - Breathe, all right? - [TRUCK DOORS OPEN.]
Just breathe, you're all right.
Yo, lock the door when you leave.
We're out.
Hey, Eddie, look, I'm sorry, all right? - I didn't mean to - I'm sorry.
I fucked up your thing.
I should go.
- Hey, hey.
You wanna talk about it? Wanna get a coffee or something? [ROCK MUSIC RECEDES.]
No, I should go.
- I got you.
- Sorry.
It's all right.
Any word? Uh, I talked to the nurses.
Rodney's still in the ER.
They're gonna tell the family that I'm here.
And how are you? I'm okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Rodney's wife, Trina.
Hi, I'm Fiona.
This is Ford.
Rodney was working on my roof when he fell.
Is he okay? They think he broke his ankle.
Just took him back.
Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that.
Has Linc been by already? - Linc? - The contractor.
No, you're the first person to check in from his job.
Well, if there's anything that I can do to help, please, just let me know.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
That means a lot.
I'll let Rodney know you came by.
Will you pick up the pace? We'll make the border in a couple of hours.
We'll make a new plan once we're safe.
I need to rest.
I think I busted my knee.
It's not swollen enough to be busted.
It's probably just bruised.
And men on the battlefield don't let something like a little busted knee stop them.
You want freedom? It doesn't come with R&R.
Freedom means arms severed and legs blown off.
Every soldier has the scars of battle.
We're not soldiers! We're fugitives.
My wife and I just had a son.
I was planning on getting settled in Montreal and then sending for them.
And what if I die out here tonight and never see them again? [OWL HOOTING.]
Well, if you died, you'd have the respect of your son.
He'd be able to say that his dad did everything to give him a better life.
You may be an asshole and a know-it-all and a pain in the ass, but you're a hero to your family.
Thank you, Scout Master.
It's Frank.
All right, you get some rest.
I'll take the first watch.
All right.
We got a deacon, a priest, and a bunch of nuns to join the cause.
Thinking of starting a collection plate, raise some funds for the kids.
That'd be incredible.
I can't believe all the people whose lives you're touching.
You're like the person I w-wish I had around when I was growing up.
How is that? Someone to stand up for me, take on the world.
Be my motherfuckin' defender.
I can be your motherfuckin' defender.
[Rousing rock music.]
You made it to Canada, friend.
- May they treat you well.
God speed.
Salaam alaikum.
[Electric guitar playing "The Star-Spangled Banner".]
Hey, mornin'.
You still on that Bible shit? Yeah, proving to my online haters that Jesus is a fag hag.
@HolyMoses4562 just keeps writing "abomination" in all caps.
Tell @HolyMoses to eat a dick in all caps.
What's going on? Long night? Up late fighting with Kassidi.
She still giving you shit about going back to school? She fucking worships me.
I'm not gonna let that go, just end up like everyone else in this family who can't keep a relationship.
- Whoa, what's that - Who says we can't - supposed to mean? - Hold a relationship? We're in love, everyone's gonna have to accept that.
Got any more evaporated milk? You gonna use that for Franny? It's cheaper than formula and I don't have day care today.
Another gaycorcism's going down.
Gotta gather the kids.
See ya.
What's up, bud? Missed call from Sierra.
Oh, fuck.
Sierra? Thought she ditched you.
Eh, you're right.
We do suck at relationships.
I'm home.
I'm home! I'm home! Overweight minimum wage workers buying discount laundry detergent! I have missed you so much! God bless America! God bless America! Wha-ha! [SLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Hey, Xan.
Look, I, uh I wanted to apologize for last night.
We're fuck buddies, not a love triangle.
Everything's chill.
Ya fucked up.
She's pissed.
[Funky music.]
Nothing's gonna hold me back Can't hold me back No, it ain't going down like that Nothing's standing in my way Can't stand in my way [DOG BARKING.]
Good boy, Toto.
'Cause when you got it, you got it [TRUCK CLICKS.]
Mommy's gonna get her tuition.
Yes, she is.
How long Svetlana been on her break? Feels like a long time, right? Kev, this isn't good.
I told you, she is plotting something against us.
Some Russian chick comes in here yesterday, and ever since, Svetlana's been acting weird.
That's it.
I'm gonna put a stop to this.
Domination time.
All right, what's on the laptop? It's personal business.
New rule: no personal business at work.
- Open the laptop.
- No.
It's private.
New rule: show us what's on the laptop or get shipped to the gulag.
Show us what's on the damn computer, or we're gonna call Immigration.
We had a deal.
New rule: no deal.
Show us the fucking laptop! Fine! You want to see what I'm doing? I am looking up fact after fact about rich old fuck who's about to marry a bottom-rate whore who I helped smuggle into this country.
She gets to have American dream, live life of beauty and privilege while I sit here and get shit on by two ex-lovers who still treat me like a prostitute slave, who make me wear a vampire blouse just to strip me of the last bit of dignity that I still have.
Yo, bro.
We gotta talk, man.
Yo, I'm working, all right Sierra kicked me out.
Yeah, I heard you're a dad again.
I don't know what to do.
It took a long time to get Lucas and Sierra to trust me again.
Shit was finally getting better for us.
All right, just keep your voice down, all right? Could you just [SIGHS.]
Just talk to Sierra for me? Tell her to take me back.
I can't get involved in this, okay? Please, man, please.
She respects you.
I don't know what I'll do if I lose them again.
I'm finally clean, you know? I don't want to be a junkie again.
You gotta help me.
If not for me, for Lucas, 'cause I fucking love that kid.
And he [SIGHS.]
He needs a dad.
Please, dude, just just just talk to her.
That was a nice thing you said to that woman.
Were you just stringing me along earlier? What? The bowling thing? No, I thought it'd be fun to hang out.
Look, if-if you're not into me, you just need to say so, but don't invite me to meet all your exes and then ignore me the whole time.
We're not in high school.
Just be up front.
You giving me ultimatums before we're even dating? Yeah.
I am.
Also, I'm not some messy, complicated chick who's stuck in a house with a crazy family.
I've got goals and plans.
And I'm an amazing fuckin' catch.
What says "please stop threatening to kill yourself"? Rhinestone bracelet.
My four-year-old bedazzled it.
Excellent choice, but sounds like you're looking for more of a promise ring? What's a promise ring? Like, commitment with an exit route.
Got a red sapphire.
Or this, cubic zirconia.
Looks like the real thing.
From the jewelry collection of Iceberg Slim.
Local pimp.
Hundred bucks.
Look, I gotta meet another client, so what's it gonna be? I'd go with the pimp.
In the name of Jesus, the Lord's only begotten son I rebuke the devil's homosexuality from your body and your soul.
You are pure and holy just as you are.
Your gay body is a blessing, not a sin.
- [YATES.]
No, sir.
No, sir.
Not today.
This is not the place for your message.
Oh, my message of love? A church isn't a place for that? You are not welcome here, son.
- Ushers! - I'm not welcome? I thought everyone was welcome in the house of God.
Easy, come on, fellas.
Take it easy.
Not when you're disrupting God's word! All right, well, you can't stop the movement for justice.
- [LAN.]
This isn't over! All right.
Hey, kid, don't listen to these pricks, okay? You're gonna be okay.
We're coming back! Hi.
Sign me for second semester, please.
Oh, it's good to see you made it back.
[Soft brooding music.]
Two Don't ask.
Whispered something in your ear Hey.
Look, I-I know you've been through a lot.
And it's not really any of my business, but, um A perverted thing to say Charlie's crazy about you.
You know, I mean, the dude, he won't leave me alone until you give him another shot.
I mean, I-I get it.
You know, you-you're not the kind of girl somebody wants to lose.
Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby [CROWD.]
Butt bumping is Jesus' love! [IAN.]
Dry humping is Jesus' love! [CROWD.]
Dry humping is Jesus' love! Dry humping is Jesus' love! [CROWD.]
Dry humping is Jesus' love! Carpet munching is Jesus' love! [CROWD.]
Carpet munching is Jesus' love! - Carpet munching - [BOTH.]
Is Jesus' love! That's enough.
That's enough! We have the right to demonstrate.
You are blaspheming the Lord! Preaching hate is blasphemy.
I will not allow you to drag down the good morals of this church Carpet munching is Jesus' love! For your own sick beliefs.
Carpet munching is Jesus' love! Carpet munching is Jesus' love! [YATES.]
I'm telling you to leave.
Butt bumping is Jesus' love! [YATES.]
Leave the premises now! - [YATES.]
Please, leave the - Dry humping is Jesus' love! [CROWD.]
Dry humping is Jesus' love! Nipple licking is Jesus' love! - [GASPING.]
- Nipple licking is Jesus' love! [CROWD.]
Nipple licking is Jesus' love! Nipple licking is Jesus' love [CROWD MURMURING.]
Hey, stand back.
Everybody, stand back.
Hey, look at me.
Stay with me.
Hey! Come on! [IAN.]
Come on.
Come on, come on.
Wake up.
Wake up.
Oh, my God.
He's breathing.
Thank God.
[Upbeat rock music.]
You leaving? Yeah, uh Look, I'm sorry.
I wanna stay and be here with you.
I should go.
Friends, patriots, allies, I have traveled through the depths of hell.
Fell from a horse, limped through the woods, just to have my final source of income stripped away from me by the Canucks.
I am returning to an automated America where the white man is replaced by robots and Chinese.
I am penniless and empty-handed, and the only solace I have is sharing a lot of beers with my blue-collar brothers and sisters.
Who's buying? [CHUCKLES.]
So you don't have our meds? That's one part of what I said.
Perhaps you missed the part about my hardship! [TOMMY.]
I gave you 100 bucks, Frank! - [KERMIT.]
Frank get him! - [TOMMY.]
You little shit! - [KERMIT.]
Frank! - [TOMMY.]
God, he's fast.
Is that your cello? Refurbishing it for a friend.
So, uh I'm sorry about the ultimatum thing earlier.
I'm actually much more calm once you get to know me and don't blow me off.
You're pretty damn intriguing.
I'll say that.
How intriguing? [Sultry rock music.]
All this way to connect I'm gonna finish my work now.
All the way to the corner every day You were there for me Okay.
Okay, I'm gonna let you finish.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Okay.
I was home when you came It threw me out of touch It took away from the cold in your arms Now I wait for my turn to let it blow Against me Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Will you wait for the one that disappears? Over here.
What the fuck, Carl? Well, I wanted to rekindle the first time we fell in love.
So I brought something for the occasion.
Oh, my God! Yes, I'll marry you! Fucking hell yes! [CRYING.]
Oh, my God Marry me? Yes! Yes! [Bombastic hip-hop music.]
Yes, yes! Oh, yeah Can't get enough, can't get enough [DOG BARKING AND GROWLING.]
Can't get enough, can't get enough Oh, yeah Won't give it up no matter what
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