Shameless US s08e10 Episode Script

Church of Gay Jesus

1 [ROCK MUSIC] You missed it, didn't ya? You don't know what happened last week.
You want me to tell you? Give me 100 bucks.
Come on, 100 bucks, I'll tell you what ha Okay, 50 bucks! You make a good living! Give me some fucking money! You want to know what happened or not? Well then, fuck you.
I'm not telling you.
It's my goal to get you all safely across the border into Canada.
- Do you see anybody? - No, I don't see Hello.
Wrong side of the border, boys, eh? You can find your own rich dude to control.
I am past my prime whoring years.
Top ten places to look for rich dudes.
Number one, high-end pubs.
We're taking you sugar-daddy shopping.
[NESSA] I saw you took the "For Rent" sign down.
[SIGHS] It's about time I got something of my own for a change.
- [FORD] You're pretty damn intriguing.
- [FIONA] How intriguing? There was, uh, an accident at my building, one of the roofer guys fell off the roof.
- Is he okay? - I think he broke his ankle.
If there's anything that I can do to help.
Thank you.
[EDDIE] What, Youens still? I can't stop picturing him in an orange jumpsuit for the rest of his life.
You're a good fucking friend, but you can't fix everything.
You still on that Bible shit? Yeah, I'm proving to my online haters that Jesus is a fag hag.
Another gaycorcism's going down.
Gotta gather the kids.
- Who are you? - I'm his girlfriend.
Check this out.
Wow.
[YELLING] You're yelling at me right now! [YELLING] Because you're being crazy! Yes, I'll marry you! Fucking hell yes! [CRYING] Oh, my God [ROCK MUSIC] Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC] [LIP] Ah, you're, uh, still at it.
Yeah, I'm trying to figure out where all the gay-hating churches are.
There's like one in every neighborhood.
Homophobia's back in style.
Not for long.
[IAN] I've got more kids coming for a meeting tonight.
- [IAN] Youens still in jail? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'm actually gonna go check on him later today.
Oh.
Hey, they've got a retirement calculator.
I fucking love the internet.
I'll roll over my 401K from Lumber Lawn and Lighting.
And then I add my estimated yearly earnings.
- What are you doing, Frank? - [FRANK] Planning my retirement.
Time to reflect on my accomplishments and to bask in the spoils of a life well-lived.
You mean leech off your kids and drink booze out of a backpack? - [KNOCKING ON DOOR] - You guys, Farhad found me a temp job that pays 40 bucks an hour! - Oh, yeah? - Some nighttime welding gig.
I don't know, nighttime welding? Sounds kind of sketchy, Debs.
Took me two weeks to make 300 bucks walking dogs.
I can handle sketchy.
Expenses? Alcohol and drugs is non-negotiable.
Clothing? Yes, the occasional golf shirt or swimwear for leisurely retirement pursuits.
[CELIA] Hola, hola, good morning.
- [FRANK] No mortgage - [CELIA GASPS SOFTLY] - Hola, mi cielito.
Como estás? - [FRANK] No rent Are you ready to have a nice day with your abuelita? [SOFT CHUCKLE] [CELIA SPEAKING SPANISH] - [BABY BABBLES] - [KISSES] I'll change you.
- [KASSIDI] Good morning, boo.
- Did you make all this? Yes.
For you, bae.
I am going to cook for you every day, and dinner too, and then blow jobs for dessert.
I'm going to be the best fucking wife.
[SOFT SQUEAL] [FRANK] The age I'd like to retire, based on my current age? Well they're identical, so.
[PHONE CHIMES] I W this makes no sense.
Let me see.
Come on.
All right, you need 23 grand annually to retire.
And you are short by about 22 grand.
Sounds right to me.
Oh, fuck that.
I've got engagement presents! The vibrations will lift up your follicles so that the blades cut below your skin.
[FRANK] Thank you.
[KASSIDI] And a Nintendo 3DS for Liam.
Dope.
And a Zen garden with a tiny, little sand rake for you.
And, um, a Fitbit for Ian.
Sweet.
And hot rollers for you.
Cool.
And for you, my sweet, hot bitch [SOFT GIGGLE] [KASSIDI] I found it.
- What is it? - [GIGGLES] [CARL] Is that blood? - Is that your blood? - Yeah.
It's your blood now.
You possess me, and vice versa.
Here.
Come here.
- I'll try not to nick an artery.
- [DEBBIE] Gross.
[MOUTHS WORDS] [NERVOUS CHUCKLE] [TRAFFIC HONKING FAINTLY] - Hi.
- Hi.
Nice color.
It's called "Dangerous Robot.
" I'm doing the bathroom in Liquid Kitty.
What happened to just "blue"? Blue is not badass.
Well, neither is Liquid Kitty, it sounds like a dyke bar.
Why don't you just paint it "Wet Pussy"? Benjamin Moore didn't have that one.
It took me forever to choose.
What is my taste, even? Ghetto chic.
[SOFT LAUGH] That's by necessity, not choice.
Well, you're asking the wrong gal.
Mel handles this shit.
And her style's like resort meets brothel.
[SOFT LAUGH] That's perfect for a nursery.
You guys start picking out cribs? Crib, singular.
We're down a fetus.
I miscarried.
- Oh, shit.
- It's okay.
I mean, yeah, it sucks, but we hadn't figured we'd both get pregnant.
Least now I can drink.
Got any beer? - Yeah, go help yourself.
- [SOFT CHUCKLE] Well, how's Mel taking it? I haven't told her yet.
Maybe I'll eat smoked salmon and raw eggs in front of her, and see if she notices.
- [LAUGHS] - [CELL PHONE BUZZES] "Hey, stranger.
Picking up some chairs for a client.
Wanna join and grab some furniture for your flat?" - Is that Ford? - Mm-hmm.
Say yes.
He's like a furniture savant.
So the last time I saw him, we kissed, and then he threw me out.
Well, said he had to work.
I have never waited this long for someone to bang me.
It's kind of fun, weirdly.
For now.
Guy better be an animal in bed.
I wouldn't know.
I closed my eyes and pictured Scarlett Johansson.
But I've heard glowing accounts.
Well, if I find out before I'm 40, - I'll let you know.
- [LAUGHS] [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] Any bites yet? Maybe we should change her profile description.
What does it say now? "Sassy Russian ex-prostitute seeks single geriatric male with piles of money and a terminal illness.
" Subtle.
Guy named Gerald seems interested.
Luxury cigar importer.
Hey, guess what we're doing.
I can find my own rich husband.
We know that you can, but if a wealthy cigar importer comes into The Alibi tonight, it won't kill you to smile and have a drink.
What is the point of smiling? Make other people feel good.
I make people feel good other ways.
Yes, you do.
But there are some situations where hand jobs are not appropriate.
American mid-century modern.
Mm.
That's cool.
Reference to the Danish design movement of the 1950s.
[SOFT LAUGH] Try it.
- It's comfy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Not sure it's me though.
- Says who? You get to choose that.
That's what design is for.
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] - Decide who you want to be.
[SPEAKING GREEK] [SPEAKING GREEK] [SPEAKS GREEK] Thank you.
- What the fuck was that? - Uh, Greek.
I lived in a monastery in Macedonia for a while.
Of course you did.
And I just scored you a $2,000 chair for 450, which is insane.
[SCOFFS] I'm not gonna spend $450 on a chair.
It's not a chair.
It's an investment in your future self.
[SIGHS] How much that building cost you? [STAMMERS] It was a lot more than I had.
Why'd you buy it then? You're good.
[BUZZER BLARES FAINTLY] - Hi.
- Hi.
Inmate's name? It's, uh, Clyde Youens.
- [KEYS CLACKING] - Y-O-U-E-N-S.
[CLEARS THROAT] I'm sorry, he's deceased.
What? There was an incident.
He didn't survive.
W when? [KEYS CLACKING] Tuesday.
Next of kin was contacted and the body was claimed.
[SOMBER ALTERNATIVE MUSIC] Next.
- Hi.
- Hey.
[MAN] Here for Paddy, 4629 [TRINA] They're kicking him out of the hospital in the morning.
[LINC] And how is this my problem, huh? He fell.
I didn't push him.
He worked six hours, he'll get his 150 bucks when the job is done and I get paid.
That's how this works.
[TRINA] We're not leaving this spot until we get out our money.
Whatever! Sorry to bother you.
Do you mind if my kids use your bathroom? Sure.
[WOMAN] We love you, Ian! [MAN] There he is.
Look, it's Ian.
- Ian! Ian! - Can you come to our - [IAN] What's up, guys? - My boyfriend is gonna flip.
He can't stop talking about you.
Could you, uh, record a message for him? His name's Nico James.
Mr.
Gallagher, hi, I'm Reverend Murphy.
I'm a pastor at Trinity and Life Evangelical Oh, we don't need any more ministers, but if you want to give money, that'd be cool I'm not here for me.
Some folks from my church wanted to meet you.
This is Alice.
Her parents put her through conversion therapy twice.
She has something for you.
Go on, honey.
Wow.
That, uh, tha You drew this? Thank you.
Can you, like, heal people? I'm a paramedic, so Well, when are you gonna perform your next miracle? [IAN] Oh, no, I don't perform miracles.
Do you I'm sorry, I only saw the one video.
- What is your ministry, again? - I don't have one.
I just kind of show up to these conversion things and argue with assholes.
I lead meetings at this youth center if you guys want [JACK] My boyfriend needs help.
Could you talk to him? [CROWD MURMURING SOFTLY] [CROWD CLAMORING] [EXHALES] [SIGHS] [INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER] Oh, well, lookee here, Mr.
Popularity.
- Mr.
Viral Sensation.
- Okay.
Mr.
King of the Queens.
Kind of hoping they'll lose interest.
Yeah, well, there's more and more of them every day.
They're blocking the garage door.
I'm gonna have to park the ambulance outside by the curb so I don't accidentally run somebody over.
What do they even want? Uh Guess they just want to be seen by someone who sees 'em back.
Oh, please.
Looks to me like they want to douse you in syrup and slurp you up with a spoon.
Could be down for that.
[VERY SOFT LAUGH] That chair suits you.
Might be the first time I bought something I didn't actually need.
Beautiful, functional everyday objects should be affordable.
My idea of affordable is looting the house of the neighbor who just OD'd so I don't gotta buy new shit.
I've got an old coffee maker that needs a loving home.
Ooh.
Now you're talking.
Maybe I'll come by your place later? - Pick it up? - I got plans tonight.
I'll drop it off tomorrow.
[FAUCET SQUEAKS] [WATER SPLASHING] How long have they been in there? About 20 minutes.
- Are they bathing? - [CHILD LAUGHS] I think they might be.
[SOFTLY] Why would they do that? You think they're homeless? - [TRINA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] - [WATER SPLASHING] [DOOR CLICKS] [LOCK TWISTS] Jesus, you startled me.
I didn't think anybody else had keys.
I'm sorry, who are you? Oh, I'm Lip.
Um.
Phillip Gallagher.
Who are you? I'm I'm Tabitha, his daughter.
I um, are you a student? No, I was.
I was helping him after the accident.
Accident? I thought he was arrested for a DUI.
You know what? It's okay.
I don't even want to know.
[SIGHS] Jesus Christ, this week.
You you do know he's dead, right? What happened? He had, uh, a seizure.
Alcohol withdrawal.
Hit his head.
- Jesus.
- Yeah.
There's a memorial service tomorrow, and the students are welcome to say a few words if you like.
Oh, no one told me.
The school said they sent out an email.
I-I-I'm sorry, who are you again? I picked up your dad from jail, after the DUI.
I bought him groceries.
I Did he pay you? No, he didn't pay me.
He covered the cost of my rehab.
And he got me an internship.
He-he tried to convince the school to revoke my expulsion.
He listened to me.
He listened to me about everything.
Well, glad you were so well-parented by my dad.
Look, I-I have this covered.
You can leave your key on the way out.
Thanks.
Sure.
[SIGHS] [UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] Here you are, sir.
On the house.
- Oh, thank you.
- Of course.
Our elders are a precious resource.
Thanks for staying alive.
I'll drink to that.
'Cause You dance My, my.
You must be Svetlana.
Wow.
What a knockout.
Good evening, ma'am.
May I procure you a cocktail? Vodka.
Your profile was, uh, quite provocative.
You were an escort for a time, weren't you? Hand whore.
Occasional cocksucking and fucking.
What is your name? - Gerald.
- "Gerald.
" Sounds like bald man drowning in hot soup.
Huh? There you are, m'lady.
[GERALD] What would it run me if, uh, you and I were to take a walk out to my vehicle and you were to keep me company for 30 minutes? $900,000.
[LAUGHS] [CHUCKLES] Forty bucks.
And you take off your shoes so I don't get any dirt on my seat.
- [BLOW LANDS] - Oh! [GRUNTS] You got hotness To get your body Could've gone worse.
Don't know how.
It sucks when people use God as an excuse for their own hatred, and when it's your family, it's the worst.
Look, I know you don't want to hurt your parents, but sometimes they forget.
God creates us all in his own image.
We gotta jog their memory.
If they believe that God hates the same people as they do, well, they're creating God in their image.
- [CROWD MURMURS, SNAPS FINGERS] - That's right.
That's right.
[IAN] We all have a Holy Spirit.
- We're all holy.
- [SNAPS FINGERS] - We're all divine - [KASSIDI SIGHS] Jesus, listen to that.
[KASSIDI] Oh, I know.
He's like a prophet.
And he's super hot too.
Like hot gay Jesus.
[SOFT LAUGH] "Hot gay Jesus.
" Bet we can make money off of that.
How? Ring the right bell for the right causes, the guilt-ridden pry open their wallets.
It's Pavlovian.
Righteousness is very marketable.
[FIONA] What's that all about? Uh, just a queer religious rebellion led by your gay brother.
No biggie.
[IAN] We all have the Trinity inside of us.
I'd like to read a passage from Romans now.
[ROUSING JAZZY MUSIC] - Who are we hiding from? - [FARHAD] The union workers.
We gotta wait till they leave for the night.
- How do we get paid? - Cash.
We meet tomorrow, location TBA, and they'll text the address.
My God.
This is so exciting.
Everybody, let's go, let's go.
OMG.
That was amazing.
Your brother is, like, everything.
And they all ate my popovers.
God, I am really fucking happy.
- Are you? - Yeah.
But are you, like, really fucking happy or are you just, like, meh? I'm really fuckin' happy.
Yay.
[SOFT SQUEAL] - Hey, what you writing? - A list.
"Swiss Army knife, stun gun, retractable night stick," what-what is this shit? List for school.
Give it back.
Wait, military school? You said that you weren't going back.
We're engaged! I never said I wasn't going back.
I've been packing my duffel bag all week.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I've been just too busy buying your fuckin' family shit and-and making a fucking life for us.
Meanwhile, you've just been shitting all over it.
Why did we even bother getting engaged? Why did I fucking cut myself for you? [CARL, MUFFLED] We'll make it work, you'll come visit.
- [CARL] We'll scout motels.
- [KASSIDI, MUFFLED] Motels? What am I, a prostitute? [CARL] No, I never said that! [KASSIDI] You are so full of shit, Carl! - You don't even love me! - [CARL] Of course I love you! [KASSIDI] Well, you don't love me enough! [CARL] Then how do I prove it to you? [KASSIDI] Um, you're not supposed to ask how you prove to love somebody, you should just prove it.
[CARL] Well, obviously it's not fuckin' enough.
[KASSIDI] Uh, yeah, because your real goal is to go back to military school.
Of course that doesn't make me think that you love me! [MUFFLED ARGUMEN CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] [SOMBER AMBIENT MUSIC] [KASSIDI, YELLING, MUFFLED] I want you to stay here and be my husband! Reverend Murph, this is my sister Fiona.
- Pleasure.
- Hi.
I'm super impressed, dude.
The only way I can get that many people is if I offer free pizza.
[SOFT LAUGH] No, it's just 'cause of that video.
No.
You got something, man.
Bunch of folks who couldn't make it already messaged me about the next one.
Oh, I definitely can't fit more people in here than I did tonight.
Would you feel weird about using our parish hall? No pressure.
Just shoot me a text when you decide, I'll send you the address.
- Thanks for the beer.
- [BOTTLES CLINK] [DOOR OPENS, SHUTS] How's the new place? Small.
Quiet.
- I bought a chair.
- Oh.
Your, uh, fellowship thing seems to be doing well.
First Gallagher to become famous for something other than larceny or assault.
Ha, yeah.
It's, uh it's getting pretty out of hand.
I got people showing up at my home, church place, work.
I had to shut down my Facebook page.
So why not quit if you hate it so much? I don't.
- Just trying to manage it.
- [FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING] [SIGHS] She's back to flipping out again about military school.
Says I can't go 'cause we're engaged.
Wait, you're actually engaged? - I thought that was a joke.
- Don't marry her.
I can't lose her.
She's fun, hot, rich, hot.
She loves me.
No one's ever loved me this hard.
Do not marry her, okay? She is a fucking psycho.
- [FRANK] Marry her.
- [DOOR OPENS, TOILET FLUSHING] Hear me and heed me.
Do not let that frothing piece of lady meat out of your sight.
[FRANK] She has a trust fund.
Get joint checking.
And whatever you do, do not sign a prenup.
Hey.
It's Gay Jesus.
[SOFT LAUGH] [DOOR SHUTS] Can I have this? [MACHINERY GRINDING] [MAN] Hey! Scabs! - [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] - [TOOLS CLANKING] - [MAN] Go, go! - [MAN] Fuckin' run! - [MAN] Oh, fuck! - [MAN] Get back here! Debbie! Debbie, run! [HEAVY ROCK MUSIC] Come here, you motherfucker! [GRUNTS] [TRAIN SCRAPING STEADILY] [SOFT MOAN] [SIGHS, SNIFFS] [AMBULANCE HONKS TWICE] [ENGINE RUMBLING] [BRAKES SQUEAK] Hey! [FIONA] How ya feeling? Like shit.
Sorry to hear that.
Your boss emailed me.
He finished the job, sent me an invoice.
[FIONA] Probably want to track him down so you can get paid.
Thanks for the heads up.
[SIGHS] Okay.
You did really well last night.
[VERONICA] However, we need to tone down the rage a little.
You're not gonna get anywhere if your date thinks you want to murder him the second he ties the knot.
- What if I do? - Great question.
Which brings us to Part A of our plan, etiquette.
[CLEARS THROAT] Rich guys are old school.
They want a lady to be a lady.
A man wants to feel powerful.
Really powerful.
So let him dominate the conversation.
Act like he's totally fascinating.
I cannot do this.
Okay, this brings us to Part B of our plan.
[SIGHS] This is a tiny microphone.
Attach it to your shirt.
[MISCHIEVOUS JAZZY MUSIC] [SIGHS] This is a tiny earpiece.
Put this in your ear.
Oh, come on, Svet.
You're Russian.
This is spy shit.
It's in your DNA.
Testing, testing.
Can you hear me? You are right there.
I meant in the thingy.
Can you hear me? Yes.
[KEV] Okay.
Do everything I say.
Scratch your nose.
Tuck your hair behind your ear.
Excellent.
Say, "Kevin Ball has a sexy voice.
" Why should I lie? Say it.
Kevin Ball has a sexy voice.
Mmm.
What the fuck was that last night? I never said it was risk-free.
[SCOFFS] You also never said we'd be running for our lives.
Why'd they hire us instead of hiring their own guys? Scabs are non-union.
Union guys get overtime, pension, health.
So we're screwing over a union we want to join someday? If we don't take the work, someone else will.
It's wrong and it's dangerous.
I'm never being a scab again.
[CELL PHONE HORN BEEPS] Hey, just got a tip for another gig.
Pays even more.
Five hundred.
I'm in.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC] Hi.
What you got there? - Free appliance.
- [SOFT LAUGH] Works great if you're patient.
Is that a shitty, old percolator? It's Italian.
It's art.
[SOFT LAUGH] Hey.
What are you guys still doing here? We can't leave.
Rodney won't fit in the car with his leg.
Plus, our AC is busted.
You know anybody with an SUV? Or I can take you somewhere.
Where you headed? Is there, uh, some family you can stay with or maybe an old neighbor? Oh, we've been looking into some charity housing, but they all have a wait list.
I know someone who works with local shelters.
I can ask him if he maybe knows a place that could take you.
- [RODNEY] Wow, you'd do that? - Sure.
[ROCK MUSIC] - [KASSIDI] Hey.
- What the fuck? Hey, baby.
You cut up all my uniforms? Well, I weighed out the pros and cons, and I made a decision for our family.
I think that it's better for everyone that you don't go back to school.
We have a wedding to plan.
[BLOWS] Kassidi.
Don't say my name like that.
- Kassidi - Do not say my name like that, I mean it, Carl.
Kassidi, this is not a joke! I am going back to military school.
I hate you! Hey! - [KASSIDI CRYING] - Fuck.
Wait! [KASSIDI, MUFFLED] You can't leave me! I'll die! Hey, what the fuck! You're not gonna die! We're gonna see each other like once a week! - [KASSIDI] I can't! - Open up the door! - [KASSIDI] I need you! - What the fuck? You kidding me? [KASSIDI] This engagement is bullshit! What? What the fuck? I paid like 100 bucks for that! - [KASSIDI] Fuck you! - Come on! [KASSIDI] Fuck you! Fuck you! Oh, my God! What do you want me to do? Marry me before you leave, dumb-ass.
You love me, right? Then what's the point in waiting? [SIGHS] Okay, fine.
- Today? - Yeah, sure.
[EXHALES] I was in so deep But do you have a fake ID? - Yeah.
- [EXHALES] [KISSES] My same ole story And the weight is all The weight is all on me - Hey.
- Hey.
Where's Ian? I don't know.
I haven't seen him.
Fuck.
He was supposed to be here like an hour ago to help set up.
Doing this thing about careers in emergency services for our Life Skills program.
Shit-ton of people signed because of him, but whatever.
What's up? Uh, one of the guys who was working on my roof got hurt.
He's gonna be out of work for a few months, and his family's living out of a car.
I was wondering if you might know any family shelters that could take him? Um, I might, actually.
Follow me.
So, uh, what's your take on this whole, uh, Ian ambushing all those ministers? Uh, [SIGHS] not really sure what to make of it.
Ah, yeah.
I mean, part of me is psyched that he's helping people, but another part is, I don't know, kind of bummed that I have to crowbar my way into his life if I want to see him.
Oh.
This place is decent.
I'll call over and get everything squared away and let you know.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
And, hey, if you see Ian, please - Yes.
- Thank you.
Will do.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
[SNIFFS] [FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING] The fuck is this, Frank? [FRANK] Son, I don't think I've articulated how impressed I am with your recent endeavors.
I knew you were talented, but, uh "The Church of Gay Jesus.
" Is this a jumbo shirt? To reach the masses, you've got to embrace merchandising to take your brand to the next level.
Uh, how about T-shirts proudly displaying your message? Well, I-I don't have a church.
And I'm not fuckin' Jesus.
Tongue in cheek, son.
When you repurpose a-an iconic logo for the-the sake of kitsch, you present an ironic critique of American consumerism.
And if that logo just happens to resemble a giant, throbbing penis, what could be more counterculture? It looks like a hot dog.
And the lettering sucks.
Revolutions don't come wrapped in a cute ribbon.
You want to bring down power structures? You want to get in the face of people who are peddling corroded ideals? You need a uniform that screams authenticity.
We didn't pay Chinese factory orphans three cents an hour to make these.
No, this is our living room.
Our hands.
Our sweat.
Talk about grassroots.
[SIGHS] I have a meeting tonight at Trinity and Life Evangelical.
You can hawk your shit there, but everything you make has to go to Trevor's kids.
Oh, come on! This is my retirement fund.
Twenty percent.
Thirty? Okay, 95 percent, and we appreciate your business.
And this has been a rough few years.
[SOFT LAUGH] Needless to say, it hasn't been that easy being around my dad.
But my favorite memory of him is this thing that he would do.
[INHALES] So he would be in his office, hunched over paperwork, and I'd knock.
And he'd look up, confused.
And then, boom.
It's the the biggest, warmest smile.
That is the version of my dad that I'm going to remember.
And I'm grateful for every moment that I had with him when he was just him.
[SOFT SOMBER ROCK MUSIC] You hear about these professors who go the extra mile to help a student.
But what Youens did for me went above and beyond that.
Got me my first real job.
Listened to me bitch about my family.
He was there for me.
[WENDY] He got me internships, wrote dozens of letters of recommendation, personally called the dean at Carnegie Mellon to get me into the robotics doctoral program.
Told me once, he wished he'd been a poet.
And he showed me something he'd written.
Said I was the only person he trusted enough to show.
- That poem was awful.
[SOFT LAUGH] - [CROWD LAUGHS SOFTLY] And no matter how busy he was, Youens always made time to talk to me.
He helped me with whatever I needed, listen, offer advice, wise counsel.
Day or night, it didn't matter, when you called or knocked on his door, he always answered.
Always.
You could ever really love me [JOHN] He was like a father to me.
I honestly don't know where I'd be without him today.
It's in your head [JOHN] He invested his time and energy to make sure I didn't become a total fuck-up.
He didn't have to.
[DOOR OPENS] I'm still not sure why he did.
Okay.
My friend found you a place.
It's a family shelter.
They'll have a room for you in two days.
Girls, we've got a place to live.
They can take us in two days, you said? Mm-hmm.
Oh, we've got the tarp if it rains again.
Why don't you just stay here for two nights? Really? Yeah.
Not a problem.
I'll just, uh, I'll crash at my old place.
- [EXHALES] - Oh, my God, Fiona.
Thank you.
You're a lifesaver.
[UPBEAT ALTERNATIVE MUSIC] We should go get a blanket and a bottle of champagne, go in the park, and lay in the grass as man and wife, and let the moon and the stars bless our union.
[SOFT SQUEAL] [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] [SQUEALS] Cute! [LYNN] Now serving, 103.
Oh! Yay! That's us.
Okay, come on.
[EXHALES] All set.
Your marriage license is valid for 60 days in Cook County only.
There's a one-day waiting period before the license becomes effective.
Wait.
So we can't get married today? You can get married at this exact time tomorrow.
What the fuck? This sucks.
[SCOFFS] [SIGHS] I look like a fucking First Lady.
Here.
Go cross your legs and pretend to be captivated.
Smokey to Bobcat.
Do you hear me? Over.
What are you guys up to? We're trying to get Svetlana married off to a rich dude.
So you just gave 'em your place, just like that? What else was I supposed to do? Man, I was really digging my quiet mornings away from Gallagher chaos.
And it's extra bad right now 'cause of lan's gay messiah shit.
He should read Pope Leo the 13th's encyclical on property rights.
I'll pass it on.
You know, whiskey is actually clear when it comes off the still.
It gets the caramel color from the barrel You know, I'm just I'm just gonna say this.
Sometimes it feels like it doesn't even matter that I'm sitting here.
I know all the places you've lived.
I know all the languages you speak.
I've met your exes, your baby mamas, your spawn.
And yet, you have never asked one question about me.
Did you know that I became legal guardian of my siblings when I was 23? Or that I dropped out of high school, but then I got back and I got my GED? Yes, actually, I did.
And I know you did it to convince your genius brother who's a recovering alcoholic to stay in college.
I know you got left at the altar by your junkie fiancé with whom you were very much in love.
- How? - 'Cause I ask around.
There's some other stuff I know.
You're fiercely protective of your family.
You're generous.
Like today, for example, you gave your apartment to a homeless family.
You are so very much yourself.
You don't even have to try.
And frankly, you scare the fuckin' shit out of me.
[CHUCKLES] [DOOR CREAKS OPEN] [KEV] It's him.
It's him.
Svet, Svet.
The buzzard is in the tuba.
The buzzard is in the tuba.
- The what? - I have no idea.
I've never done this before.
[SOFTLY] What's she saying? I can't hear anything.
I can't hear anything.
We never tested the microphone.
All right, well, she needs to relax.
Tell her to lean in a little.
Svetlana, lean in a little.
Too far.
Too Far.
[KEV] Too far.
Too far.
Take a sip of your drink.
[KEV] Sip, not gulp.
Tell her to-to ask him about something.
All right.
All right.
All right, Svet.
Ask him about his mother.
No, not his mother.
[KEV] Ask him about his favorite sports teams.
Allergies What the hell do people talk about on dates? [VERONICA] Did she just drop her earpiece in her drink? [KEV] Oh, no.
She's gonna grab his cock, isn't she? Mm-hmm.
Called that one.
[BOTH] T-shirts! Each garment has been worn by the man himself.
- And blessed! - T-shirts.
$50 suggested donation.
The white one? Okay.
Thank you.
T-shirts, T-shirts.
T-shirts, get your T-shirts here! Nice turnout.
Only half of them are regulars.
You did great.
I just sat there while people talked about how horribly they'd been treated, by family, co-workers Can you please sign this, please? - strangers.
- Thank you.
Sometimes that's all they need.
Tomorrow's our weekly service - Thanks so much.
- where we invite speakers to come up and discuss how to turn personal pain into positive action.
We call it "A Night of Good Grief.
" The name is silly, but the idea isn't.
You up for it? Well I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said.
You say it again.
It can't be said enough, not until queer kids stop being told there's something wrong with them.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER] - [MAN] It was so worth it.
[BROODING ALTERNATIVE MUSIC] [DOOR SLAMS] Solid as a stone All is almost lost And it starts to show And it's home but it's gone - [SHOUTS] - [METAL CLATTERING] Fuck! [CLANKS] - [METAL CLANKS] - [HISSING] Tear down your Suffering Bolt By Bolt [SNIFFS] [SOFTLY] Hey.
- Hm? - Hey.
We need to talk.
What? What? You gotta promise not to freak out.
I promise.
Okay.
First of all.
You're, like, the best thing that's ever happened to me like, by like a bazillion.
But when we were at the clerk's office, and she said we had to wait I was relieved.
A little.
'Cause I feel like we rushed into this.
And I totally want you to be my wife, my little sweetie boo.
Would you hate me if we stayed engaged a teeny bit longer? Until we're both no doubt, positively sure we're ready? I could never hate you.
[EXHALES] - For real? - Yeah.
And thank you for being honest with me.
That's, like, super important for a healthy marriage.
[EXHALES] You are awesome.
I love you.
Mm, I love you too.
Mm.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] [PANTING] Okay, okay.
Okay, now.
- [GRUNTS] - [MOANS] [MOANS INTENSELY] [EXHALES] [BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY] [INHALES] You're getting pretty good at that.
Fourth time's the charm.
[SOFT LAUGH] Well, two left.
Better hope you tire out soon.
Do you think I'm the only person on Earth who doesn't want your babies? I don't want my babies.
That's why I keep letting other people have them.
I dig this candid version of you.
Now ask me something about myself.
What's the one thing about Fiona Gallagher that might surprise me? That's a tough one.
You seem to have me all figured out.
That's my gift.
How about I think I might not want to have kids.
But you're a woman.
How is that possible? [SNORTS] - Well, my siblings are my kids.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZES] [SIGHS] - [BUZZING CONTINUES] - It's Nessa.
Mm-hmm.
[KISSES] I'm supposed to be analyzing your skills and reporting back.
And how am I doing so far? Overall positive.
- Happy to give you more data.
- [SOFT LAUGH] Hi.
Can I call you back later? [KISSING] You're fucking kidding me.
- Thanks for the heads up.
- Any time.
FYI, they just dragged in two sleeping bags and a pull-up bar.
[FIONA] Hello? - [TRINA] uh-huh.
- [FIONA] Hi.
Now, everyone, this is the lady who has been helping us.
This is, uh, my sister, my cousin, his wife, and their son.
What's going on? They're paying us to crash here so we'll have some cash for the shelter.
Oh, fuck! My chair! Ooh, sorry about that.
Good thing it's an old chair, right? [BROODING ROCK MUSIC] Hey.
Sorry about last night.
Something came up last minute, and I'm trying to juggle everything but it's snowballing and And I - [SOFT CHUCKLE] Hey.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] - Yeah.
- [IAN] It's snowballing.
I had like 40 people show up to this meeting yesterday.
Yeah, and I had 50 kids show up to a career symposium about being a paramedic.
But I guess since yours is about God, you win, right? - Hey, hey, Ian.
- One second, guys.
I'm helping people in need, same as you.
Are you saying it's only cool when it's your idea? I don't ask a lot of you.
This was one thing that was important to me.
You know, maybe what you're doing is worth pissing off the people that care about you.
That's fine.
But don't insult me by acting like it's not happening.
Hi.
You didn't speak at the service.
Uh, I was gonna, but everything I was gonna say was already said.
Sorry for your loss.
Yeah, I lost him a long time ago.
Still doesn't make it easy.
He was a good dad, just, um, not to me.
I guess it's easier to be kind to somebody who looks up to you.
Hey, um, I found this going through his paperwork.
It's a draft of a recommendation letter.
Thought you might want it.
You know, in all of his years of teaching, I never heard him talk about a student like that.
He says he's amazed by your mind.
You don't want to keep it? Oh, I think I'm too angry to keep it.
[CRIES] [CRYING] [ROUSING ROCK MUSIC] Kass? [CARL, MUFFLED] Where you at? One, two, three, four, blowing down my door - Five, six, seven, eight - Babe? - [RASPING] - Kass! [GASPING] Oh! [GASPING] [GASPS] You saved my life! - You really do love me! - Yeah.
[GASPS] What time is it? Like 4:00? The County Clerk's office is open til 5:00.
Nothing's gonna stop me now [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES] That your new chair? Why's it over here? So that the pile of assholes who are squatting in my apartment won't destroy it.
Who aren't actually assholes.
They're just poor and broke and taking advantage of the situation.
Just like I've done 100 times.
And they aren't squatting.
I told them that they could stay there.
[PHONE CHIMES] - [EXHALES] - [PHONE BUZZING] Did you just get this pic from Kassidi? [IAN] Yeah.
"Birth, marriage, death.
" What the hell is that? - I think they got hitched.
- What? Yeah, I told him not to.
[IAN] Not legally, right? She's, like, 15.
- Hey.
- [LIGHTER CLICKS] Can I get a ride to this church? [INHALES] Supposed to speak at this thing, and I don't know.
Kinda scared shitless.
I mean I don't do speeches.
So don't do it.
Sorta feel like I have to.
Everyone thinks that I have something to say.
What if I don't? [ROCK MUSIC] When they're gone, they're gone, folks, so don't miss out.
All profits go to help gays across the planet.
Can you give me just one second? Are we really gonna give all of our money to Ian? No, of course not.
Thank you so much for waiting.
Gay Jesus loves and blesses you.
Get your T-shirts here! Don't miss out, folks.
We're runnin' out.
T-shirts.
Oh, shit.
No wonder you're nervous.
Did you know that all these people were gonna be here? - No.
- Hey.
They all came for you.
Isn't this amazing? [INDISTINCT CHATTER] [MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC] So I just wanna start out by saying that I'm no hero.
I'm just a guy who keeps showing up to these anti-gay churches and hearing shit like, "God created man and woman.
You either look like a man or a woman.
Don't bring us any of your other shit.
" So they're essentially saying, "Don't make me work too hard to see you on your own terms," right? [AUDIENCE MURMURING] But we have the God-given right to be who we are.
Not who others want us to be.
So when they say shit like, "Don't use fake words like nonbinary or gender-fluid, cis-whatever," it's like Those are my terms, bitch.
Mm-hmm, yep.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Mm-hmm.
Which means we have to be so big, so noisy that there's nowhere else to look.
And we do it in God's name because [CHUCKLES] Because God hates haters.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [ROCK MUSIC] [CHEERING CONTINUES] [METALLIC BUZZING] I spotted 12 safety violations.
No wonder they pay so much.
I think I'm gonna bail.
I gotta stick it out.
I need the cash.
Hey, could you grab me a clip light? Can barely see anything I'm doing.
Okay.
[TORCH HISSING AND SPARKING] - [CLANKS] - [BONE CRUNCHES] - [SCREAMS] - Debbie! [DEBBIE SCREAMING] [FARHAD] Call 911! [DEBBIE CRYING AND GASPING] [CAR LOCK BEEPS] [SIGHS] Hi.
This fucking day, man.
[SCOFFS] Find Svetlana a man? No, she grabbed the guy's cock.
[KEY JINGLE] Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Not taking her home to meet Mom.
Where you coming from? Church.
Ian has a cult.
- A what? - Yeah.
They think he's Gay Jesus.
Looking for Fiona Gallagher.
That's me.
You've been served.
"As a result of one or more acts by defendant L.
Donner and defendant F.
Gallagher, plaintiff R.
Latham has been injured, damaged, and incapacitated.
" Who the fuck is R.
Latham? Rodney.
The dude that fell off your roof? He's suing you? "Plaintiff demands judgment against defendants in the sum of $6 million.
" Motherfucker.
Motherfucker! [ROCK MUSIC] Whoa-oh I'm the love he left you with [SINGING INDISTINCTLY] You sound bent out of shape No blood can try to stop me now