Shameless US s08e11 Episode Script

A Gallagher Pedicure

1 You again? Really? What? What could you possibly have been doing more important than watching the show last week? Here's what you missed.
Come on, Toto.
Stop following me.
We have the God-given right to be who we are, 'cause God hates haters.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
My friend found you a place.
It's a family shelter.
They'll have a room for you in two days.
They can take us in two days? Oh, we've got the tarp if it rains again.
Why don't you just stay here for two nights? Fiona, thank you.
The dude that fell off your roof? He's suing you? "Plaintiff demands judgment against defendants in the sum of $6 million"? Motherfucker.
He murdered my mother.
They let my father out, I'm moving to Mexico.
It's too bad you are still bitter prostitute slave working for poor people.
If you weren't such a cunt, madam, you might be able to marry well too.
[MACHINE BUZZING.]
- [GROANS.]
- [MAN.]
Debbie! Did you just get this pic from Kassidi? I think they got hitched.
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [GRUNTING SOFTLY.]
[SIGHS.]
We're married now, silly.
[CHUCKLES.]
I wanna have 100 baby Carls.
Sure, uh, but maybe I should finish school.
- [BOTH MOANING AND GRUNTING.]
- [BED CREAKING.]
[CARL.]
Kass.
[KASSIDI MOANING.]
[CARL LAUGHS AND MOANS.]
[CARL.]
Kass.
Come on.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES, CHIMES.]
[LIP GROANS SOFTLY.]
[CAR DOOR OPENS.]
Hey, how long you been out here? A while.
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to bother you.
Sierra, wh-what is it? What's going on? They let my dad out.
[SOFT POP MUSIC.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
You remind me Of a love I once had Years ago, I thought I'd never lose control [SIERRA SIGHS, SNIFFLES.]
[SNIFFLING.]
I just I couldn't be there alone.
[SOBS, SNIFFLES.]
Hey, it's all right, okay? [SNIFFLES.]
- It's all right.
- [SNIFFLING, SOBBING.]
[DOOR CREAKS.]
Mommy.
[MICROWAVE BEEPING.]
Morning.
- How's Debbie? - Says she's all right.
I'm gonna go pick her up at the hospital.
- That your lawsuit? - Yeah.
Fuckers.
Morning, Liam.
Liam, you okay? Well, Carl and Kassidi were banging all night, so we didn't get any sleep.
Can't stop love.
Proud of my Carl for putting a ring on that one.
Little minx is loaded.
- Morning.
- [MICROWAVE BEEPING.]
- Morning.
- Who the hell are you? Lucas.
My mom is Sierra.
- What are you doing here? - My mom and me slept here.
What is that, Frank? The final piece of my retirement plan.
Chicken livers? And my Social Security benefit package.
Mr.
, um Jerome Wessels is retiring today.
Who? Uh, a guy that sat next to me on the bus six years ago.
Between my T-shirt business and a few monthly checks from Uncle Sam, I should have a nice retirement, so long as I get to live with one of my loving children.
[BOTH.]
No.
[FRANK.]
I'd pitch in.
Laundry, general housekeeping, like having a live-in maid who speaks English.
You should just die now, Frank, save everyone a lot of trouble.
Mr.
Wessels will kick in his share.
So will, uh, Jamie Ramirez and Mr.
Mark Wilcox.
Not a chance.
Seriously? I give you life and you turn your back on me in my old age? You're breaking the social contract, the very purpose of family.
In Asian cultures, the elders are revered.
That's a great idea.
Move to Asia.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're really stealing Social Security cards? No, I just happened to find these in a bag of liver in our freezer.
- You really got married? - [SIGHS.]
Well, she was freaking out about me going back to school.
So your solution was to marry her? Things just kinda happened.
[KASSIDI.]
Morning, fam.
You're both idiots.
Fiona, can I get a ride to the church? Sorry, Ian, I gotta go to the ER and pick up Debbie, and then I gotta try to talk some sense into this asshole in my apartment who's suing me.
Hey, what happened to Debbie? She hurt her foot last night at work.
Says it's no big deal.
[IAN.]
Good luck.
[GROOVY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
Gracias, Señor Ramirez.
The trauma doc stabilized your toes, but there's a good chance you're gonna lose them.
It's critical that you see a surgeon today.
Here's your referral.
They said they can squeeze you in this afternoon.
Sign here and here.
You'll need these when the local anesthetic wears off.
Twice a day as needed for pain.
And here, oh.
I stole this from the lost and found.
One? You want two, the hospital will charge you 120 bucks.
Thanks.
- [DEBBIE SIGHS.]
- [FIONA.]
Hi.
- Hey.
- You okay? [SIGHS.]
Yeah, sure.
This thing fell on my foot.
[GRUNTS.]
Does it hurt? A little.
Still pretty numb.
- Thanks for picking me up.
- Yeah.
[DEBBIE GRUNTS.]
[SIERRA CHUCKLING.]
- Hey, good morning.
- Yeah, morning.
Hey, you guys get something to eat? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Coffee.
- Right.
Go get your stuff, okay? Gotta drop you at day camp before work.
Okay.
[EXHALES SLOWLY.]
I'm sorry for freaking out.
No, don't be.
You can always call me.
When I heard he got paroled, I I couldn't think straight.
[SCOFFS.]
I've never been able to get that night out of my mind.
[EXHALES SLOWLY.]
Yeah, you, uh never really told me what happened.
[SOLEMN MINIMALISTIC MUSIC.]
He came home wasted almost every day.
That night, he found a towel on the bathroom floor and started slapping her around.
Mom was screaming.
He told her to shut up, but she didn't.
So he punched her and kept punching her [BREATHING SHAKILY.]
until her face just [BREATHING SHAKILY.]
blood and bones and hair.
You were there? [SNIFFLES.]
Me and Neil, yeah.
Told us if we ever said a word to anybody about it, he'd fucking kill us both.
Took a blanket from Neil's bed wrapped Mom up [BREATHING SHAKILY.]
and threw her in a dumpster.
[SNIFFLES.]
Policewoman gave us Cokes.
We never got Cokes.
How old were you? Ten.
We testified against him, both of us.
[SNIFFLES.]
And they just let him out.
[SNIFFLES, EXHALES SHAKILY.]
Can you go to my apartment with me later to pick up a few things? - Yeah, of course.
- [EXHALES.]
Thank you.
[BREATHES SLOWLY.]
I'm sorry.
- [CROWD CLAMORING.]
- Dude, it's really him.
Hi.
[MAN.]
Hey, Ian.
Thank you so much.
This is Bic.
He wants to help.
Hey.
What the hell is this? Your life is no longer your own.
[MAN.]
Please, my dad's trying to kidnap me! He hired men to take me.
Please! Please, my dad's trying to kidnap me! Be patient! We'll be opening soon! [KID LAUGHING.]
[TRINA MUMBLES.]
Hello? Rodney? It's Fiona.
[TRINA SHUSHES.]
- [ROCK MUSIC.]
- I know you're in there.
Rodney, Trina? Let's just talk, please, like adults.
Open the door, please.
I need to get my dog.
This is stupid.
I was fair to you.
I let you stay in my apartment and you sue me? - Why am I the bad guy? - [DOG BARKS.]
Hey.
Rusty? Have you guys been feeding him? Is there water in his bowl? I will kill you with my bare fucking hands.
Okay.
That's fair warning.
I am the owner.
I have a right to enter these premises.
I'm coming in.
[DOG BARKING.]
Are the locks changed? This is my apartment.
Hello! Did you change the locks on my apartment? [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[YELLS.]
What? [DOG BARKS.]
Oh.
Sorry.
Sure.
[STAMMERING.]
I'm coming right out.
[DOG BARKS.]
There had better be water in his bowl.
[DISTANT SIREN WAILING.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
- Hmm.
- Is that bad? I mean, they're roofers, right? You would think the one thing they'd know how to do - is not fall off.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I am covered, right? - Uh-huh.
Minimum liability up to half a million.
Half a million? They're suing me for six million.
People rarely get what they're asking for.
We settle almost all of these.
- Well, that's good, then.
- Could be.
In any case, your contractor's on the hook for it.
We're gonna go after his insurance company.
You got the contractor's info? Uh, yeah, cell phone number.
That's all you've got? Yeah.
Why? [PEN SCRATCHING.]
[BOTH PANTING.]
I don't think there's any skin left on my dick.
[LAUGHS.]
I just can't get enough of my husband.
I need more Carl.
[SIGHS CONTENTEDLY.]
I wanna know everything about you.
Remember when you said that you and lan You guys ran away from that foster home and lived under the bridge? Did that really happen? Yeah.
- Show me.
- What? Your life.
Uh, where where you lived under the bridge, where you sold your drugs, where that guy chased you with a hatchet.
I wanna see it all.
I mean, I am Mrs.
Carl Gallagher now.
I need to know the life you lived.
Come on.
I'll rub lotion on your dick and we'll go.
We can't just keep attacking people doing these conversions.
We need to bring Ian's message directly to the disenfranchised, wherever they are.
Oh, you're saying we should preach in gay nightclubs? Why not, hmm? Nightclubs, street corners.
Ian, two big dudes just showed up.
They're trying to take one of the kids.
[DRIVING ROCK MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[IAN.]
Hey! Hey! Wait! Wait! [CROWD CLAMORING.]
[ENGINE REVVING.]
- [LAN.]
Stop! - [HORN HONKS.]
- [TIRES SCREECHING.]
- [MAN.]
What are you doing? - [WOMAN.]
Look out! - [HORN HONKING.]
- [MAN.]
Now what? - [MAN.]
Get down.
[WOMAN.]
Everyone down.
[ENGINE REVS.]
[MAN.]
He's out! [VAN DOOR CLOSES.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[MACHINE WHIRRING, GRINDING.]
Hey, morning.
Hey, uh, why don't you go grab a broom? [UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO.]
- Morning.
- Morning.
Um hey, any sign of Xan's mom? I'm giving my shit-bag half sister two more days.
Well, she seems like a really good kid.
There's nothing wrong with the kid.
Just didn't sign up for one, you know? Right.
Hey, um, Brad's delivering that Fatboy, and, uh, I gotta run out somewhere at lunch.
- Can you cover? - You doing a meeting? No.
That, uh, friend of mine, you know, Sierra? Well, her old man just got out of prison.
Her and her kid, they've been staying with me for a few days.
Told her I'd go by her place, help her pick up a few things.
You and the fucking drama.
You gotta be kidding me, right? So you think you can get your roof fixed for $500 from a guy that's got insurance? - [SCOFFS.]
Come on.
- You don't have insurance? Hey, I do honest work, and I pay my men exactly what I say I'm gonna pay 'em.
There's always some asshole gaming the system, saying, "Oh, I'm hurt.
" He's got pins in his ankle.
I think it's fair to say that he's hurt.
He fell.
Whose fault is that? Fuck him.
Let him sue me.
The only thing I own in this world is that truck.
He'll have to kill me to get it.
[SCOFFS SOFTLY.]
[RELAXING POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Wow.
This fucking place, huh? I found it on Belarusian whore website.
More billionaires stay here than any other hotel in Chicago.
What are you doing? Comparing my skills to those of Freelania.
These are my skills on this napkin, and these are hers.
There's nothing on that napkin.
Hmm, precisely.
She is sub-mental.
Not as attractive, not as charming.
Look at my ass.
It's perfect.
I would fuck my own ass.
She has flat ass of Filipino boy.
$28 for a vodka tonic? $18 for a beer.
You'd have to be a billionaire to catch a buzz.
[WHISPERING.]
Hey I think that guy at the end of the bar wants to talk.
Bring him over.
- Hey, how you doing? - Hey.
We are having a little party upstairs.
Great, I'm Kevin Ball We-we just need the chocolate one.
A thousand for the hour.
The chocolate V? That's my wife.
[CHUCKLES.]
Fifteen hundred.
Two thousand if it runs over.
Look, pal, my wife isn't $2,000? Three thousand.
I mean, look, she's worth it, but you should really meet the other one.
Crazy in bed, and she knows accounting.
Let me invite her over.
Hey, we're not hiring a bookkeeper.
Four grand for the black one.
Final offer.
So? Did you get her a date? Why didn't you invite him over? They prefer you.
You explained we're married and Svet's single? The guy offered me $4,000 for an hour with you.
Hmm.
- He thinks I'm a whore? - Of course.
No, it-it's just a misunderstanding, V.
- That's all.
- Oh.
$4,000? V No Look, I'm sorry, but damn, that's a lot of money.
And it's not like the guy is ugly.
- V! - Good afternoon.
Oh, good afternoon.
- I am Aviv Ben Yellin.
- I am Svetlana Yevgenivna.
These are my friends Veronica and Kevin Von Ball.
- Please, join us.
- Thank you.
Regrettably, I can't accept your invitation.
I'm director of hotel security, and it is my unfortunate duty to inform you that the hotel has a strict "no prostitution" policy.
We're not prostitutes.
No, no, no, they are, those whores at the bar.
Like you don't know.
Please.
Let's go to the Ritz.
[SIGHS.]
[SVETLANA.]
No.
No more.
I think I know what to do.
I need to go humble myself before that slut Freelania and see how she managed such a miracle.
[LINE RINGS.]
- Four thousand? - Dollars.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can't believe that you lived down here.
It's like freakin' Mad Max.
Yeah, I remember this one time, a guy tried to steal Ian's coat.
We beat him with a can of tuna wrapped in a tube sock.
That's so hot.
[CHUCKLES.]
Think it's over here.
[KASSIDI.]
Oh, my God, you lived there? - Yeah.
- I have to see it.
[GRUNTS.]
Hey! You okay? [GASPING.]
Oh, hey, man.
Sorry, didn't realize someone was sleeping here.
[FLIES BUZZING.]
Hello? Is he dead? Is that a dead body? Hey, come on, let's just get out of here.
[GASPS.]
I've gotta Snapchat this.
Uh, it's just a dead guy.
Let's go.
- Roll him over.
- What? So I can see the face of death.
Oh, Kassidi, come on.
Carl, roll him over.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
I'm gonna story the shit out of this.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
[GAGS.]
Making my mark Get it done, get it, get it Working real hard Till we done did it, did it Breezing through the city like hello Like nothing gonna stop me [MUTTERS.]
The fuck? Everybody want a little piece of the action Try to show up Let's talk, make it happen Going all in 'cause I can't fail [WOMAN.]
Number nine? Don't you know the devil's in the details? There's no question, no, there's no question [WOMAN.]
Number nine? No, no, no, no, no There's no question, no, there's no question - Hi.
- [MOUTHS WORD.]
I'm retiring.
I'd like to start receiving my Social Security benefits.
[KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING.]
[COMPUTER BEEPS.]
Hmm.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Wessels.
It says here you're already collecting your benefit.
What? How can that be? Are you suggesting someone has stolen my identity, committing fraud? It's a possibility, yes.
Oh, my God.
I'm number nine.
Sorry.
I was in the bathroom.
Prostate, you know.
[CHUCKLES.]
Size of a basketball.
Hi.
I'd like to start my benefits.
[KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING.]
[COMPUTER ALERT BEEPS.]
Um Mr.
Ramirez? It says here you're dead.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, I'm-I'm number nine.
Hi.
Can you tell me what my benefits would be if I were to retire right now? Of course.
[KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING.]
[COMPUTER BEEPS.]
Um, Mr.
Gallagher, it says here you only worked six weeks your entire life.
Well if you mean a "formal job," yes, but I I've had various enterprises that contributed significantly to the economy.
Mm-hmm.
Well, as it stands, this will be your monthly benefit.
Three dollars and 42 cents? Gee.
That's not a lot, is it? - Sorry.
- A guy works his whole life.
No, there ain't no doubt I was born for this How's the pain? It's starting to hurt a little.
The trauma doc was inclined to amputate, which may have been warranted.
All three toes are severely damaged, crushed, for lack of a better word.
There's not enough blood circulating to ensure they won't go necrotic.
- W-what does that mean? - Die.
And if your toes die, then you're talking gangrene, and next thing you know, you lose your leg.
But you can fix 'em, right? Surgery's only part of the process.
You'll be off your feet for months, and then at least year of physical therapy.
A year? I-I can't Well, what would the surgery cost? It'll run you at least $50,000.
Holy shit.
For three toes? W-what happens if I can't afford the surgery? - I just die? - No.
We remove the toes, and then you're back on your feet in a couple of days.
Costs $6,000, $7,000.
You'll be a little wobbly at first.
Need a special shoe.
Let me know what you decide.
[EXHALES SLOWLY.]
Well, why is it so important for you to know what it's like to live on the street? 'Cause you grew up free.
I grew up trapped in an 8,000-square-foot suburban prison.
Cable fucking TV, cheerleading camp, cross country, and Mom always ragging on me to study.
And for what? So I could end up like them? I mean, they're miserable.
Please.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, this is it.
This is where my first shop was.
[KASSIDI.]
Selling crack? That is so cool.
Yo, you gotta buy or walk.
This is my corner.
I used to work this corner.
Where's G-Dog? That's his brains right there - [GASPS, CHUCKLES.]
- that dark spot.
[ENGINE REVS.]
- [TIRES SQUEALING.]
- Damn! Shooter! Down! - [GUNSHOTS.]
- [CARL.]
Get down! [TIRES SQUEALING.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God! They shot at us! This is epic! - [PANTING.]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Hey.
Ready? - Hey.
Yeah.
I'm going on my break.
Thanks for coming with me.
I-I know it's stupid, but I keep thinking he could be trying to find me.
Right.
- Um - [SIGHS.]
why don't you tell me what you need from the apartment? I'll just go get it.
No, I can't let you do that.
Look, nothing's gonna happen, all right? - [SIGHS.]
- It's not a big deal.
Look, y-you got a picture of him? You know, if I see him hanging around your place, we'll go to the cops and get a restraining order or something.
Only photo I have is pretty old.
Okay.
Hey, they tell you where they paroled him to? Some halfway house over on Seventh.
Okay.
I'll make a list of stuff that I need from the apartment.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, cool.
[GRUNTING.]
Hey.
What are you doing? Googling St.
Croix.
[SIGHS, GRUNTS.]
- What's that? - Some island.
I'm gonna go yachting there.
Right.
Hey, Google something for me, will ya? - Sure.
- Google "do you need your toes?" Please.
What do you plan to do with him? We'll find someplace for him.
The father has a legal right to take his son.
- Uh - The kid's still a minor.
Just 'cause it's legal doesn't make it right.
Ian, I feel like part of my role here is to make sure you understand the realities of what we're getting into.
You we are harboring a runaway 14-year-old.
Legally, you have no standing as his protector or guardian.
Then who will protect him? Are you saying we shouldn't be helping people just 'cause it could be dangerous? 'Cause if so, what the hell are we doing here? - It's not your place - [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Blake's old man is here.
He wants to talk to you.
You think we're horrible for trying to kidnap our own child.
But we will do anything to save him.
So please, give him back to us so we can get him help.
We're not bigots.
We love our son.
We don't think Blake needs to be heterosexual to be a good person.
But he's living on the streets, he's using drugs, and I know that he's prostituting himself.
He's out of control.
We think We believe he may be mentally ill.
So you let them stay in your apartment? - Well, yeah.
- You shouldn't have done that.
Why? Because that's an admission of responsibility.
But I-I didn't do anything wrong.
Your contractor had no insurance.
You only have a half a million in liability.
[SIGHS.]
S-so what's the worst case? You lose in court and your insurance pays out 500,000.
That leaves you owing 5.
5 million.
Other assets? Well, you sell your building.
You got about 50 grand in equity there.
And, uh and your family home is worth, um, I don't know, maybe 62? So that leaves you only owing this Rodney asshole $5,388,000 forever.
The jury's gonna take one look at that man and his starving family and the slumlord bitch that ruined their lives by hiring an unlicensed contractor, and you're gonna be lucky if they don't put you in jail.
He spoils me, but I deserve it.
He likes his little penis rubbed, and honestly, all he really cares about are my feet.
He can't stop buying me shoes.
[CHUCKLES.]
Such a simple man.
Oh.
Vera made this for me.
Mazel tov.
I must admit, the greater part of the joy I feel is knowing how devastated you must be.
Humiliated.
I had imagined you humbled like this so many times.
I was worried it would be anticlimactic.
- It's not.
- Freelania [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
you have everything we have ever dreamed of.
After all the tubs of hand lotion and stained sheets, thousands of Handi Wipes, I am truly humbled by your success, so I ask you to pity me and tell me how.
How did you make this all happen? You mean how did these shoes happen? Yes.
How did this Gaultier gown, which I have never worn, happen? Uh-huh.
[HACKING.]
[SPITS.]
I would give it to you now that it's soiled, but you're too fat to fit into it, so I will throw it away instead.
Svetlana Yevgenivna, you were born a whore.
You will die a whore.
[LIVELY ACCORDION RINGTONE PLAYING.]
Mm.
My caterer.
Excuse me.
Alain [LAUGHS.]
Bonjour, mon amour.
Ublyudok.
Hello, hello.
Hello, sweetie.
Don't you look lovely today? I'm headed for the club.
Don't forget dinner at The Grill.
I wanna show off my beautiful bride-to-be.
Hmm.
Toodle-oo.
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
I'm going up the chimney.
I have investigated every possible retirement scenario, and they all lead to homelessness, hunger, despair, and decrepitude.
How's that any different than how you live right now, Frank? It's as if we think the elderly are irrelevant, disposable.
My own children have said they won't care for me in old age.
What does tell you about the decline of Western civilization? That you didn't raise any fools.
I believe that Alzheimer's is an evolutionary advantage that we've developed so we won't have to be aware of the depth of misery we face in our dotage.
And yet here I am [CHUCKLES.]
as loose as the day I was born.
Retirement is for rich people.
My old man was at GM for 40 years.
Six months short of retirement, the pension fund went tits up.
Forty years and dick to show for it.
- But he got lucky.
- How's that? Well, he died on the line.
Keeled over into the stamping machine.
Got pressed into a rear fender for a Buick Skylark.
Never even stopped the line.
How's that lucky? Well, he didn't have to worry about retiring.
Ah Fucking A, this one's to the workingman.
Fucking A to the workingman.
[SLOW, GRUNGY MUSIC.]
Talked to your dad.
Says you're using.
Sometimes.
You're selling yourself? You can't be living on the street.
It's dangerous.
I can't go home.
When I came out, they lost it.
He says that they're okay with you being gay.
That's bullshit.
They put me into therapy, three days a week.
Started going to a church where this asshole was always talking about sodomy and God's will.
They wanna lock me up with other kids whose parents don't wanna deal with who their kids really are.
He says your therapist thinks you may be mentally ill.
They put me on these drugs, knocked me on my ass.
I couldn't even get out of bed.
I couldn't get an erection.
That's what they really want, so that I can't have sex with another boy, you know? Ever.
Well you can't stay here.
We have to find someplace where you can be safe, where you can be yourself.
So you'll help me? This is it, first group home.
John McKimmey chased me around the basement with a hatchet on his birthday.
[BENSON.]
Carl? Benson? [LAUGHS.]
Hey, man.
Hey.
This is my wife, Kassidi.
This is Benson.
- We used to live here together.
- Well, I still do.
Oh, no shit.
Yeah, nobody ever claimed me.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
Oh, wow, I'm sorry, man.
How long have you lived here for? My whole life.
My mom left me in a dumpster behind the Save-A-Lot when I was a baby.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Heard you were in the army or some shit.
Yeah, I'm a cadet corporal over at Millberry Military Academy.
That's dope.
Wow.
What are you doing back here? I came home for the summer.
- I go back in a week.
- [SCOFFS.]
[BENSON.]
Man, you got it all figured out.
Well, I gotta get back before they put lunch away.
Snackables today.
I love those little cheese wedges.
- Well, later.
- All right.
Hey, baby, wait! - Kassidi! - I'm sick of all your shit! Kassidi, wait up! Frank, can I please go yachting in the Caribbean with Dylan's family? Son now is not the time to badger your father.
I'm a little preoccupied with coming up with several hundred thousand dollars so that my retirement can have a modicum of Yachting? I've always wanted to ride a Jet Ski.
Dylan said I could use the yellow one.
Did he? Well, look at that.
You know, the Caribbean's far from here, past Florida, way down there.
They have their own jet, so we can fly there and then yacht around.
Wow, that's impressive.
What does Dylan's father do that he has a yacht and a private plane? Finance.
Dylan said I could do it someday because I'm good at math.
So you'd be gone, what, - a couple weeks? - Yeah.
Can I go? Yes, well uh, fun or no fun, I am your father, and I am responsible for your safety.
I gotta meet his parents before I'm going to give my permission.
I'm not just gonna turn you over to a stranger.
I mean, he could be a drug lord or a congressman.
I'll text him right now.
Kassidi, don't! Kassidi, I love you! Come on! Just forget about it, Carl! Forget about me.
Forget about us.
I'm going home.
We'll just we'll get a divorce.
I mean, what do you care? You're leaving me anyway.
Leave or die, fucker! Come on! I thought you would be okay with me going back to school now 'cause we're married! I will never be okay with being away from you, bae! Never! Okay.
Okay.
I won't go.
I won't ever go back to school.
I'll stay here with you.
[CHUCKLES HAPPILY.]
No one is ever gonna love you as hard as I do, Carl Gallagher.
Remember that.
No one.
I love you! I love you! I love you! Frank, listen, I get it.
I was raised in Camden.
My old man taught junior high.
We ate SpaghettiOs out of a can.
- Only way to eat SpaghettiOs! - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I didn't have a TV in my room until I was 12.
So when Dylan told me he wanted to invite one of the less fortunate kids from school, I told Carrie, "Hey, why not?" You'd be a great role model for him, Andrew.
Well, thanks, Frank.
And I'm sure you're a terrific dad.
- Well - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Honestly, I'm surprised you wanted to meet.
Most of these parents, they would've just shipped their kid off without a phone call.
Doesn't sound very responsible, if you ask me.
That's a nice sword.
Harumaki, early Edo.
Paid nearly half a million for that outfit.
Those Samurai, tiny dudes.
That helmet? Couldn't even fit on my dick.
[LAUGHS.]
Andrew, I-I truly appreciate your generosity.
Well, Frank, being poor isn't a sin.
It just sucks, am I right? Suck it does.
That's a pretty cool cowboy.
[LAUGHS.]
Looks so real.
Remington.
That son of a bitch ran me a million and a half.
Stop.
But you know what? Worth it.
That bastard's running all out.
[WHISPERS.]
I like it.
I like to think of myself that way.
Instead of a pony, I ride the market, balls out.
- Nobody's gonna give it to ya.
- No, they will not.
You gotta reach out and take it.
No truer words were ever spoken.
Yippee-ki-yay.
You're doing the right thing trying to suggest a compromise.
It's gonna be my final offer, I swear to God.
You could pump just enough carbon monoxide into the apartment to give 'em all brain damage.
[FORD.]
What'll you do if they don't go for it? I'll settle it, with a shotgun.
You don't wanna act in anger.
'Cause if you gas 'em just right, then they'd all wander around like zombies and probably never even remember to go to court.
- Not helpful.
- Christ, you're boring.
I hope our kid isn't as boring as you.
Hi.
- [TAPS WINDOW.]
- Trina, let's talk.
- Really? - Easy.
Don't let her get under your skin.
Come on, let's handle this like adults.
Drop the suit, and you can live here rent-free for a year.
I'll even pay your hospital expenses.
That way, Rodney will have time to get back on his feet and get a job.
That's fair, right? That's more than fair.
I haven't done anything wrong.
I'll even buy you groceries.
Hey.
- [KID.]
Down! - [DOG WHIMPERS.]
Rusty? Hey! Fuck all of you! Give me my goddamn dog! Rusty! They are going down.
Fuck! Hey, what's going on, man? - Hey.
Hey, man.
- Can I help you? Yeah, you, uh you got a square? - Yeah.
- Oh, thanks.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, perfect.
A light? - Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Hey, you, um you're Norman, right? Do I know you? No, I'm a friend of the family.
Fuck off.
Hey, um but is it is it true that you like to beat women? You know, 'cause where I'm from, guys that beat woman, well, they're bitches, right, so I guess what I'm asking is, I mean, is that true? Are you a little bitch? [DISTORTED ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF.]
No, I mean, are you a little bitch woman beater - [PUNCHES LANDING.]
- [GRUNTING.]
[BOUNCY ROCK MUSIC.]
[GASPING, GROANING.]
Fucking kill you, you motherfucker! Ah! [GRUNTING.]
You're a dead man, motherfucker! Let go! You're fucking dead! I'll fucking kill you, you motherfucker! You hear me? You're a dead man, motherfucker! A fucking dead man! [PANTING.]
[BLOWS, SNIFFLES.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- How'd we do? - He swung first.
Oh, yeah? Let me see.
All right.
That's excellent.
That's excellent, all right? [INHALES SHARPLY, EXHALES.]
Uh, yeah, I'd like to report an assault.
- [DRILL WHIRRING.]
- You hear that? Drop the lawsuit, I'll let you out.
Or starve.
Your choice.
I feel like I'm finally getting to know the real Fiona.
[DRILL WHIRRING.]
Foghat? It's a classic.
It was either this or "Yellow Brick Road.
" [CLASS ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Here.
I've never been an accomplice before.
Enjoy the shit-filled toilets, you fuckers! [SAW WHIRRING.]
'Cause I'm a fool for the city I'm a fool for the city Mom, that lady's stealing Sparkles! - [DOG WHIMPERS.]
- [BOTH GRUNT.]
Take him! - Take him! - I gotcha.
- [GRUNTS.]
- I ain't no country boy [GRUNTING AND YELLING.]
Ha-ha-ha! Is this fun or what? Ha-ha! I'm a fool for the city I'm a fool for the city I'm a fool for the city [DRILL WHIRS.]
I'm a fool for the city I'm a fool for the city - A crazy fool - [FIONA GIGGLES.]
Fool for the city - I'm a fool for the city - [GRUNTING.]
Fool for the city La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la [UPBEAT POP MUSIC.]
[SIZZLES.]
La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la [GROANS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[PANTS.]
Whoa.
Okay, just how we practiced.
Start with the little one.
Cut at the joint.
Once you start, do not stop until you cut off all three.
Go wash your hands again.
I know it's coming I can see it in your eyes now Ugh.
Oh-oh-oh Ugh.
no surprise now Okay.
If I pass out, keep going.
Do not forget to call 911.
Ow! Fuck! Ugh! Mm! Okay.
Let's do this.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I know you crave it [GROANS.]
So what ya waiting for? Do it! [GROANS.]
So what ya, what ya La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la What ya waiting for - [BODY THUDS.]
- Shit! Liam! - [SIGHS.]
- What ya waiting for? I got a feeling you'll be ready When it goes down Oh, fuck me.
'Cause I got a fire and it never ever goes out Liam! I had a wonderful visit with Dylan's father.
There's only one way this can go What ya waiting for? I know you like it I know you do I know you crave it I know what you want, know what you want So what ya waiting for? La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la So what ya, what ya La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la What ya waiting for? La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la So what ya, what ya What ya waiting for? Hey! La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la So what ya waiting for? La-la-la-la I know you like it [KNIFE SIZZLES.]
Hey! So what ya waiting for? La-la-la-la I know you like it La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la So what ya, what ya La-la-la-la Smells like steak.
La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la So what ya, what ya What ya waiting for? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[VAN DOOR CLOSES.]
[BIC.]
They're back.
They're never gonna give up.
Get the kid.
Hey.
- [SNORTS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
What? What is it? What? Mm.
- He's back in jail.
- What? He got into a fight.
They revoked his probation.
- Wow.
- [LAUGHS.]
What's that? Uh, it's, uh, nothing.
A wrench slipped at work.
Oh, baby A wrench, huh? Yeah, a wrench.
[SLOW ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Jesus, it looks like somebody sawed them off with a hacksaw.
Work accident.
A pipe fell down and cut 'em right off.
Did the pipe cauterize them too? Could you please just stitch 'em up for me? I got welding school next week.
[PURPOSEFUL ROCK MUSIC.]
[ENGINE TURNS OVER, REVS.]
[CHUCK.]
Son, please.
Blake, I'm only trying to help you.
- [FLAME WHOOSHES.]
- [CHUCK.]
I love you, son.
I'm-I'm doing this for your own good.
My God's a faggot! My God's a dyke.
My God is trans, a junkie, a whore! [EXPLOSION.]
We will not be victims.
[CROWD MURMURING AND LAUGHING.]
[GRUNTS, SIGHS.]
Jesus.
What do you got in there, a dead body? I do not believe she's dead yet.
[ENCHANTING ROCK MUSIC.]
We're livin' the dream