Shameless US s09e01 Episode Script

Are You There Shim? It's Me, Ian

1 [GIRLS LAUGHING AND SCREAMING.]
No.
No, go away.
I don't have time for this, all right? I have kids.
Just watch the damn show when you're supposed to, okay? Amy.
Amy! See? Thanks a lot.
Way to go.
Amy! Military school? You said that you weren't going back.
Why did we even bother getting engaged? Marry me before you leave, dumbass.
You love me, right? Then what's the point in waiting? Get off the bus, Carl! I love you! [NESSA.]
Saw you took the "For Rent" sign down.
[SIGHS.]
It's about time I got something of my own for a change.
He come with the place too? [FIONA.]
What should I say when I talk about you to other people? Am I your girlfriend? Are you a homosexual, Ian? Any of you queers sick of this bullshit and want to get out of here? [GENEVA.]
It's on YouTube.
It's already got, like, 1,000 hits.
Seriously? [KASSIDI.]
He's like a prophet.
And he's super hot too.
Like hot gay Jesus.
So big, and we do it in God's name.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[IAN.]
My god's a faggot, a junkie, a whore! [EXPLOSION.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Is he off his meds? How the hell would I know? Everyone up! I need sheets.
I need lots and lots of sheets.
[CROWD YELLING.]
- [GROANS.]
- [MAN.]
Debbie! Well, what would the surgery cost? [PATEL.]
It'll run you at least $50,000.
[FRANK.]
I was hoping there was something I could do to help.
[SEERY.]
We don't have enough fathers - on our PTA.
- [FRANK.]
Sign me up.
Pimp my ass.
Now tell me how much you made last year.
Two grand, maybe, and I don't pay taxes.
Ah! Oh, you got a niece? My sister's kid.
Xan.
Any sign of Xan's mom? I'm giving my shit-bag half sister two more days.
Hey, why don't you come stay with me for a couple days? - That'd be cool.
- Cool.
Those rich, white, liberal parents at your school, we gotta take advantage of that.
They'll be gone.
We know the code.
You got the code, right? [KEYPAD BEEPING.]
[ALARM BLARING.]
Fuck! - [PHONE RINGS.]
- You gonna get that? No.
[ALARM BLARING.]
[SIREN WAILING.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [RATS SQUEAKING.]
[JACK BERRY'S "BAD DOG" PLAYING.]
Well, you can write your name in the water [SIREN WAILING.]
But you ain't hardly got the sand And you can lead your sheep to slaughter But you won't get my helping hand - [GROANS.]
- And you can love your maker [PHONE CHIMES.]
From the top of every post that you place And you can weigh your bacon But keep your goddamn grease off my plate But you keep saying I'm built for a cage - [FRANK.]
Oh, shit.
- I have been all along Good reason, there's a real good reason My bite is just as big as my bark 'Cause I'm a bad dog [ZIPPER ZIPS.]
Morning.
- You're up early.
- Yeah.
What you doing? Paint touch-ups for the appraiser.
Want this place to look great so he says it's worth a bazillion dollars and I get a big fat loan for Ian's bail.
Well, keep wearing that outfit, and you'll get anything that you want.
You think that's, uh Is that ketchup or blood? That could be either.
- Doesn't matter now.
- [CHUCKLES.]
We still going to Costco later? Yeah.
Text me when you're ready.
Okay.
Have a good day at work, dear.
[CHUCKLES.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
[AARON RIZZO'S "JERICHO" PLAYING.]
Shit.
Say, Lord Save my soul Ain't got no love I'm a dollar short I ain't got no place to go Don't you know That down in Jericho The ocean's dry No water here to wash me Of my sins Yeah [HORN BLOWING.]
Graveyarders, shift's over! Day crew, let's go! [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
Night crew, paychecks! Thanks, Jacob.
Don't spend it all in one place, Jugs.
- Breakfast? - Ooh, let's do it.
I'm starving.
- [MOANING.]
- [FUNKY MUSIC.]
Brother, sister - Yeah? - No, no.
Superman Okay.
- Okay.
Okay, now.
- [FRANK GROANS.]
Mr.
Superman [BOTH GASPING.]
- [GRETA SIGHS.]
- [FRANK LAUGHS.]
[BOTH SIGH.]
Whew.
[GRUNTS.]
See you later, Greta's vagina.
Thanks for letting me be of service to you.
[GRETA LAUGHS.]
You're a funny guy.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Stay as long as you want.
I gotta get in the shower.
Oh, I got you a great shirt.
[SHOWER RUNNING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[PHONE CHIMES.]
- [jaunty music.]
- [MAN HUMMING.]
Hey, doll, I gotta get going.
[GRETA.]
Okay.
Text you the next time Hal's out of town.
You hear that, Hal? You're a lucky guy.
Taught her a few new tricks.
Hope you like 'em.
You're welcome.
- I've got you! - I've got you! - I've got you! - Got you! - I've got you! - Got you! - I got you! - I've got you! Got you! I've got you! You don't have him, Huntington.
I just need a better grip, sir! Are you trying to screw me out of becoming cadet lieutenant next year, maggot? No, sir.
Well, it sure as shit looks like it.
Drop that cadet, pissant.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Jesus.
Not literally.
Sorry, sir.
Sorry, Raul.
I have my year-end review with the general this afternoon.
Do you know what that might be about, puke-head? No, sir.
Y-yes, sir.
Uh, me, sir? I've had the entire school year to get you plebes into fighting shape, and yet one big, fat turd who can't keep up.
I'll do better, sir! A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and you are my weakest link! Get out of my face! Cadets and Dave Dismissed! Corporal Gallagher is on the move! Left! Left! Left, right, left! Here we go again! Hi, Carl! I see you in there! Walking down the avenue! Only two more days until the end of school! Mrs.
Gallagher is waiting for you! - [RAUL.]
Left! Left! - I'm doing my Kegels.
- [RAUL.]
Left, right, left! - I love you! There are three units on this level and three apartments upstairs.
All super-reliable tenants.
I put a new roof on last year.
Uh, that was broken when I bought the place.
I've been looking for a matching piece.
That won't effect the price, will it? Just gotta take pictures of what I see.
You must be so busy, everyone trying to refinance before the rates go up any more.
Been doing ten of these a day.
Wow, that's a lot.
Yeah.
Sure.
And you live around here, in the city? Uh, Schaumburg, actually.
Oh.
It is so nice out there.
Have you been? Uh, couple times.
What's the real estate like out in, uh, Schaumburg? Nothing like what's happening down here.
You grow up there? Yeah, yeah.
Born and raised.
Interesting.
It [LAUGHS.]
It's not.
My husband and I, we like it, though.
So what do you think this place is worth? $550? $600 at least, right? Gotta do the comps.
Don't see any red flags, though.
Great.
Where's all the mechanical? Uh, downstairs in the basement.
Yeah, right through the door.
Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS.]
Funny, but when you're near me I'm in the mood for love Bright as the stars We're under Oh, is it any wonder Dinner is served.
I'm in the mood For love [ZIPPER ZIPPING.]
[VOCALIZING.]
[COFFEE POURING.]
[VOCALIZING.]
[HUMMING.]
[WITH IRISH ACCENT.]
Well, top o' the morning to ya.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
No time for breakfast [DERISIVELY.]
maid.
I'll just grab something to go.
Hmm.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
- [SILVERWARE CLATTERING.]
- [FRANK GASPS.]
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Hoo-hoo, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Hoo-hoo, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh [ENGINE TURNING OVER.]
Hey [MAN HUMMING.]
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ah, ah, ah Hoo, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh [KNOCKING.]
Hoo-hoo, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Hey, Frank.
[JULES.]
Push.
Push.
Yo, Leo.
My cell, five minutes.
No, thank you.
Yes, thank you.
I need to blow a nut.
I don't think so.
Since when do you get a say in this, bitch? Since I told him that he gets a say in this, bitch.
They're on strike, remember? [JOSELITO.]
You were serious about our fucking hos - being on strike? - Until you agree to mutual sexual respect, they aren't coming back.
- Let's go, Leo.
- [CRIES OUT.]
Release him, jack-hole! [MEN MURMURING.]
Fuck you and your ho strike.
Bye, baby.
You're doing the right thing, Leo.
I know, but I miss him.
Strength through collective action.
It's the only way the oppressed have ever triumphed over the oppressors.
Strength, ladies.
Gallagher.
Visitor.
Yo, Jules, stand guard.
I got it, boss.
Strength.
You sure it's okay you're missing school today for Brad's wedding? Yeah, my teacher just said to bring a note from my mom tomorrow.
Need me to write it? Nah, I can forge her signature.
Okay.
All right.
There we go.
And how do I look? - Stupid.
- Well, good.
That's what I was going for.
Come on, before you make me late.
[GONG MUSIC AND CHANTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
I love yoga.
[PHONES CHIME.]
Ah.
What are you doing? Emergency PTA meeting.
I hope the kids are okay.
We should probably pick up the pace a little.
Yeah.
Up you go.
Oh, God.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[GRUNTING.]
I'm close to getting the bail money.
The court just did an appraisal on my building.
- How soon? - Tomorrow, maybe.
I-I need a few more days.
There's oppression everywhere in here.
W-what are you talking about? I'm busting my ass to get you out of this shit hole.
My work here is not done.
I-I'm saving the submissives from their sexual oppressors.
And I'm getting you a $50,000 gift of freedom.
Look, I organized a strike against the gangbangers who terrorize the gay and trans inmates.
They take out their feelings of inadequacy and repressed homosexuality on us queers, and they practice really bad sexual hygiene.
A-are they giving you your meds in there? I-I'm protecting defenseless lambs from having their emotional and physical spirits slaughtered, Fiona.
[DOOR BUZZES.]
[GIRLS SNARLING, SCREAMING.]
Don't break any bones, girls.
We can't afford the hospital.
V, why they got so much energy now? They were never like this when Svetlana was here.
I think they were scared of her.
Hell, I know I was.
[INSISTENT POUNDING AT DOOR.]
[TOMMY.]
Open up, Kev.
We got a line out here.
- [GIRLS.]
Whee! - All right, I'm coming.
- I'm coming.
- [POUNDING AT DOOR.]
I'm coming! [POUNDING AT DOOR.]
[TOMMY.]
Let's go, while we're middle-aged! [KEV.]
Calm down! All right, girls, just stay.
- Well, about time.
- Oh, relax.
There's still 19 hours left to drink.
Let's go, yeah.
Let's go.
No, no, no, no, no no, no, no.
What are you Molly, how many times have I told you? You cannot bring dogs in the bar.
Oh, come on, Kev.
I just need a shot and a beer.
I've been playing fetch with the beasts for two hours just to tire them out.
All right, fine.
Make it fast.
It's just, I don't want to get shut down by the county.
Having your kids in a cage is what's gonna get you - shut down by the county.
- That's a playpen.
We don't have a sitter with Svetlana gone.
[SOFTLY.]
Which means we don't have sexy time anymore.
Kev, no one needs to know about our sex life.
[KERMIT.]
I do.
Makes me not feel so shitty about mine.
[KEV.]
Hey, what's up, Debs? [DEBBIE.]
Hey.
[FARHAD.]
Pitcher of beer, please.
And a large Coke.
What, are you guys, like, morning drinkers now? Ha.
Your morning is our evening.
Every couple weeks, we have to work a graveyard shift.
It sucks.
Oh, can you cash my check for me, V? - How much is it for? - $720.
Are you high? We don't have that kind of money first thing in the morning.
We don't have that kind of money last thing at night.
Wait, $720? What are you talking about? We worked the exact same shifts - last week.
- Yeah, 40 hours times 18.
$18? - Mm-hmm.
- An hour? I make $15.
- Oh.
- Do you guys make $18 too? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
[SCOFFS.]
Fucking Jacob.
[FUNKY ROCK MUSIC.]
I'm a heat seeker, I'm a revelator If you're trying to stop me, I'ma see you later I'm a heat seeker [GIRLS GROWLING.]
If you really want it, you can get it Treating every day like the sun is never setting If you really want it, then you better go and get it If you wanna ha, ha, ha, ha [HORN HONKS.]
Don't stop what you're doing, get it If you want it, go and get it Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Fuck.
Am I late? Uh, no.
They're just getting started.
Oh, thank God.
I would never hear the end of it from Cami.
The maid of honor? Yep.
Her sister, Tami.
Cami and Tami, huh? Yeah, well, our parents, Pami and Sami, weren't very creative.
I'm fucking with you.
They're Bob and Kim.
Are you the best man? Yeah, I'm Lip.
What's up with your hair? Are you, like, in the Marines or some shit? I was freebasing.
My head caught on fire.
I'm fucking with you.
No, I, uh, fell asleep with gum in my mouth.
That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.
Oh, says the lady with the bouffant and the princess headband.
I spent hours on this.
Well, you can't get that time back, can you? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, I can't wait till this cocksucking ceremony is over so we can hit the reception.
I am fucking starving.
- Let's do this thing! - After you.
Buzz off, will you? What are you doing here? I need you to do me a favor.
I - Hey.
- Hi, Frank.
Nice to see you again.
- It's been a while.
- Yeah.
Take this home with you, will you? Hide it someplace safe.
What's in it? A little weed, some blow.
A couple of oxys.
There's a PTA meeting.
It's probably best not to bring that stuff onto school grounds.
- [SILVERWARE CLATTERS.]
- Hey, would you Doesn't sound like weed.
It's my salary.
Ever since you denied me my big, fat score, I've had to make money the good old-fashioned way: on my back, taking what scraps I can from your little friends' parents.
I'm gonna pawn that stuff after the meeting.
Yes? [SILVERWARE CLATTERS.]
[MILITARISTIC MUSIC.]
[GENE.]
Enter.
At ease, soldier.
Sir, I'd like to discuss the cadet lieutenant position.
I know it comes down to me and Lawson and that one of my men is not up to the high standards of military cadets that we expect, but I promise you, if given that position, I will get him there next year.
What are your plans for after graduation, Corporal? Sir? Cadet lieutenants have traditionally gone on to service academies.
West Point? You have the discipline, the fighting spirit.
Get a congressman or senator's recommendation.
You really think I could? You'll have to handle your personal situation.
There's a civilian outside the wire in a tent.
Gallaghers have always attracted crazy, sir.
My brothers have.
Sisters too.
My mother was crazy.
Well, if you can straighten out your platoon and personal issues, son, there's a good chance you'll be cadet lieutenant next year.
Costco or bust.
Hey.
Let me just get my stuff.
- How was Ian this time? - Crazier than usual.
Wants to stay in jail.
Needs time to negotiate a strike between the gangbangers and the lambs.
No idea what he's talking about.
That's extra-crispy crazy.
Yeah.
Anyway, here.
You left your coat at my place.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
All right, lads.
I'm off.
I'll see you later, yeah? All right, man.
See you.
[DOOR BUZZES.]
Yo, gay Jesus! You need to release our hos now.
You ready to negotiate better conditions for these children of our Lord? Last night, I fucked my sink.
- My balls are so blue.
- Yeah, that's right.
Then shall we talk, try to agree on the proper ways to manage our relationships with those we love and care for? Sure.
Whatever the fuck you say, as long as I get my ass eaten out.
[MEN MURMURING.]
All right.
Let's break bread and drink wine together.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Ow Smooth Smooth like butter I never thought she'd stick around.
Ah, well, you did the work.
You know? You faced your demons.
[BRAD.]
A kid and the love of a good woman will do that to you.
- Should try it sometime.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Get out here - Let's go! - and dance! - Go get 'em.
No, no, no, if I'm doing this, come on, you're coming with me.
- Come on, man.
- Come on.
Lip, we're doing our nerdiest dance moves.
- Yeah? - [XAN.]
Watch, okay.
Okay.
Like a slippery slope Oh, baby, yeah, this is dope - I got one better.
- [LIP.]
Yeah? Oh, boy, let's go - [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh, my God.
All right, all right, all right.
Now, uh, no matter what dance move I do, it's gonna be the nerdiest.
- You ready? - Yeah.
Sure? Okay.
- [TAMI.]
Oh, Jesus.
- What? That's good! That's awful.
- What's up? - Nothing.
[TED.]
Wanna dance? Okay.
Melt me up Who is this kid? He has a beard.
Yeah, that's what the hormones in milk will do to you.
Chillax, Grandpa.
She's having fun.
Come on.
Uh, where? The maid of honor and best man always hook up at these things.
Smooth like butter Good afternoon.
Thank you all for coming in on such short notice.
Earlier today, I was contacted by the county health department.
- [GRETA.]
Lice again? - [SEERY.]
I wish.
[LEN.]
Then what? I got an open house in 30 minutes.
There's an epidemic at our school.
- Measles? - [ED.]
It's because of those anti-vaxxer French kids you let in, isn't it? It's not the measles.
We're talking about a very delicate issue: a sexual epidemic.
In elementary school? That's the French.
My kid's nine.
And she's a giant slut.
Honey, stop.
I'm serious.
You should see what her daughter wears out of the house.
It's called style.
Maybe your son should take a few pointers.
Please, enough.
I'm not talking about the children, for God sakes.
I'm talking about you people.
The epidemic has been traced to this PTA.
[WOMAN.]
What? [SEERY.]
I'll turn this over to Dr.
Jonathan Rosenbaum from the county health board to further explain.
[ROSENBAUM.]
Ah, thank you.
Um, as mentioned, uh, this is a sensitive issue, but one that we do not take lightly.
Over the past few weeks, four people have tested positive for virulent strains of multiple STDs.
The only thing these people have in common was this PTA group.
[ROSENBAUM.]
In all my time at the county health department, I-I've never seen symptoms of all three venereal diseases Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis In four people at once.
Who the hell are the four? - Not me.
- [COUGHING.]
Bullshit.
[ROSENBAUM.]
Uh, I can't reveal that information, but swift action must be taken so we can learn who these individuals came in contact with so we can contain the epidemic.
You're saying these four people may have - given it to the rest of us? - [ROSENBAUM.]
Yes.
But that could only happen from sex.
You you don't get an STD from a toilet seat.
This is absurd.
If you excuse me, I have a root canal to perform.
Sir, you're gonna stay and be tested.
[WELLS.]
Can't keep us here against our will.
[ROSENBAUM.]
Actually, I can.
The Illinois Sexual Transmissible Disease Control Act states that we can order the testing and the isolation of an individual to stop the spread of an STD until such time that the danger to the public health is eliminated.
That's the law.
- What? - Are you kidding me? - Folks! - What is going on here? As soon as everyone is tested, we can determine who can leave and who will need intravenous antibiotics.
Thank you.
- [MAN.]
This is - [MAN.]
What the [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
You pay Farhad more than me.
You know what, Jugs? I don't even have you on the schedule till tomorrow morning.
He gets $18 an hour.
Everybody does.
- I don't.
- Well, you're a girl.
What does that have to do with anything? Uh, you take a lot of bathroom breaks Peeing, getting your period and whatnot and I timed you.
- What? - [JACOB.]
Twenty-four minutes in the can during an eight-hour shift.
That's because your port-a-potties are fucking disgusting.
You guys piss all over the seats.
It takes me five minutes to clean it and build a nest before I can sit down and pee.
Way of the world, Jugs.
You don't like it, find another job.
[GRUNTING.]
Wedding fucks are the best.
- You've done this before? - Seven times.
You want my wedding pussy, don't you? Your version of dirty talk? Why, is it working? Sure.
Ah, your cock is making me really dizzy.
That a good thing? Fucking hallway's spinning around right now.
Oh, hey, you want me to stop? - [TAMI.]
Ah - Fuck.
[LIP.]
Hey, are you all right? Man.
I feel a lot better.
Okay, yeah, let's finish this thing.
I need another drink.
[DANCE MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS.]
[SIGHS.]
[DARREN.]
Whoever you four fuckers are that are infected, I just got a foot-long Q-tip just shoved up my dick.
I understand your anger and your frustration, and we appreciate your cooperation.
At this time, everyone has been tested.
[ROSENBAUM.]
Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[ROSENBAUM.]
Uh, Donald and Eliza Watts, Paula Dowd, Leah and John Alperin, Tod Carney, Kate and Lina Thomas.
You're all free to go.
- [LEAH.]
Yes! - [WOMAN.]
Fuck.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
What about the rest of us? You all tested positive.
[WOMAN.]
No, that's impossible.
[WOMAN.]
I'm calling my lawyer.
That's ridiculous.
[ROSENBAUM.]
Look, folks, we have to trace this communicable web to see if anybody is infected that is not in this room.
[ROSENBAUM.]
Look, I can't force you to reveal your sexual partners, but any information you give us could very well save lives.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
I slept with I-lrene Bragg.
Asshole! Fucking whore.
Ed.
Charlize Stewart.
[SIGHS.]
What? [MAN.]
I slept with my tennis pro.
[MAN.]
I slept with our nanny.
[WOMAN.]
I had sex with my gynecologist.
I always fantasized about having enough money to stock up on toilet paper.
Lofty goals.
Hey, when I was a kid, we had to use whatever we could find.
Christmas napkins, paperbacks, coffee filters.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
You don't answer it? No.
Got boxes to unpack.
I've got a bathroom to clean.
I clean it every week.
It's not that dirty, is it? - Ever look behind the toilet? - [PHONE CHIMES.]
No, and I never plan on doing so.
Uh-huh.
The appraisal report came in.
I can get the bail money.
What? Nothing.
What? [LAUGHS.]
Better not to get involved.
With me? With your family.
If you're involved with me, you're involved with my family.
Let's talk about your dirty toilet.
You don't think I should bail him out? Didn't say that.
You didn't say anything.
It's like talking to a wall.
"Uh, excuse me, Mr.
Wall.
I just got the money to bail out my brother.
Isn't that great?" "Why, yes, Fiona.
That is fantastic!" I doubt the wall would say that.
Yeah? Well, what would the fucking wall say, then? Ian set a a van on fire.
Coulda killed somebody.
He has a Jesus complex.
You said he's on and off his medication.
So I shouldn't bail my own brother out? What if he doesn't show up for his trial? - He wouldn't do that.
- You sure? He knows my ass is on the line.
If he skips town, you lose all your money.
Could be put to better use.
- How? - Don't know.
Invest in another apartment building.
Buy a café, yoga studio Anything but your brother.
Beverly.
[SIGHS.]
My gardener, Pablo.
[BEVERLY.]
I, uh I don't know his last name.
Uh, Kurt Alvarez.
Our pool guy.
And, uh Frank.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
I slept with Frank.
So did I.
Me too.
Yep.
Frank.
- [WOMAN.]
I slept with Frank.
- [WOMAN.]
I slept with Frank.
Frank.
V, look how hard I am for you.
My dick is so hard, it's holding up this Kev! Jesus, V, you're supposed to be putting them to bed! They won't sleep.
I'm trying to tire them out.
Did you sing that Russian lullaby to them? A thousand times, and I read to them, and I rocked them and I cuddled them and I threatened them.
We should rub crème de menthe in their mouths.
- What? - [KEV.]
All my foster parents used to give us booze for us kids to go to sleep.
That's not a great selling point.
[KEV.]
Then what are we gonna do, then? [CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
[JAUNTY MUSIC.]
Come on.
Come on, let's go.
- What are you doing? - We're gonna go play fetch.
It worked for that dog-walking lady.
Maybe it'll work for our kids.
She's still at it.
Carl, Carl, he's my man If he can't fuck me, no one can 'Cause of that crazy bitch out there, and this maggot being a fuckup, I'll never get that promotion.
[KASSIDI.]
I love you! Whoo! Hi! I see you! Carl, Carl, he's my man If he can't fuck me, no one can Carl, Carl, Carl Okay, girls, you ready? You ready? Go get it! Go get it! Bring it back.
Run fast.
Good girl! Okay, drop it.
Drop it.
Drop it.
There's 50,000 reasons for us to be free Now fetch! Good girl.
Fifty thousand questions, but they're all the same Move fast! Use a lot of energy.
Fifty thousand reasons for us to be free Come on, baby, that's a Oh, baby, that [LAUGHS.]
Hey, what are you laughing about? Video chatting with Ted.
He is so funny.
Say hi, Ted.
Hey.
Ah, hell, no.
Bye, Ted.
Hey! [LIP.]
He has a beard.
Put on Paw Patrol.
[LIP.]
Oh! Look at all this shit Frank stole from my friends' moms.
They know about it? I don't think so.
Ah, you should pawn it, then.
Gonna give it back.
What, to Frank? To my friends.
How are you even a Gallagher? Hey, uh, dinner's ready! [DEBBIE.]
Be there in a sec.
Why, what are you doing? My boss said I pee too much.
That's why I get paid less than the guys.
So tomorrow, I'm not going to pee at all.
Get paid less just for showing us that.
Screw him.
Like guys don't piss.
It's total discrimination.
Hey, I come bearing gifts.
Oh, uh, Debs won't need any.
What is that? It's best not to ask.
So I can get Ian's bail money.
[DEBBIE.]
That's great.
Yeah.
You guys don't think he would skip out on me, do you? Is he taking his meds? Maybe not.
Is he gonna be able to get his old EMT job back, or go back to being Gay Jesus? Beats me.
Is he gonna pay back his bail? I don't know.
Does any of that shit matter? How many times have we bailed out family before? Isn't that just the cost of being a Gallagher? [ROCK MUSIC.]
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh V.
[WHISPERING.]
V! [WHISPERING.]
You did it! It's go time.
Thank you all for staying.
You're all to be commended.
Um, at this point, you've all received your first IV dose of amoxicillin.
In four hours, you'll receive another dose, followed by your final dose, four hours after that, until you are no longer a public health risk.
Have fun.
How are we supposed to relax in this place when we are trapped like rats? If you hadn't spread your legs for half these guys, - we wouldn't be here.
- Don't blame this on me.
You screwed just as many people as I did.
[SASHA.]
I don't understand why we can't leave.
It's not like we're gonna have sex and infect the rest of the world.
[DARREN.]
You're definitely not gonna have sex.
I mean, you don't want to have sex more than quarterly.
I have post-partum! For three years? Uh, in my experience, she's got quite an active libido, but hey, let's not fight.
We gotta make the best of this situation.
The best of this situation? You fucked all of our wives, Gallagher.
Probably the reason for this whole damn thing.
[LEN.]
Yeah.
Yeah, let's kill him.
- [WELLS.]
Yeah.
- [FRANK.]
Oh, will you - Would you calm down? - Stop.
Careful.
Stop it.
Look at the bright side! We're getting free medical care.
Free medical care! You destroyed my marriage.
I did you a favor! My penis might have actually helped you to heal.
Did you ever think of that? [WELLS.]
The hell are you talking about? Your bodies are developing immunity to a horrible disease thanks to me! Three horrible diseases.
The fact that you're all cheating is a lot more serious than a couple of silly sexually transmitted diseases.
I think you should use this time to reexamine your relationships.
There's nothing wrong with our relationships.
Is that what you think, Charlize? Because you told me you feel sexually invisible in front of Wells.
What? That's bullshit.
She said you don't find her attractive since she had your child.
You saw the baby come out of that thing, and it grossed you out.
You gotta get over it, man.
Who the hell are you, to tell us what to do? I'm the guy who supplied your wives a service.
That's who.
You men have been neglecting them.
Been off screwing other women because it's more exciting, but you have not put the time into your marriages, so I've had to do the work.
Thank God I'm great at sex.
It's probably 'cause I've had a lot of practice.
A lotta practice.
Lotta, lotta, lotta practice.
I'm gonna kill him.
What is your problem, man? Will you [PEOPLE SHOUTING.]
[MAN.]
Come on, kill the bastard! Get off! Come on! Look! Look, Frank might have a point.
- He does? - Yeah! Listen to Darren.
The truth is, Sasha, I've been working too much, and I haven't haven't been a very good husband, or a very good father, and maybe we could just, you know, go somewhere and And talk about it.
- Fine.
- Yeah? [FRANK.]
Did you see that, people? The flame of love, relit right in front of your eyes.
Does anyone else want to talk, try to come up with a solution? [ED.]
I don't.
Irene can rot in hell, for all I care.
You'll be right there next to me.
Well, maybe some people need a little longer to process.
Len, we haven't had sex in ages.
Honey, let's not air out our laundry here.
Len, please, let her Let her continue.
You denied having sex with every woman in here, yet you tested positive.
That doesn't make sense to me, Len.
They must have made a mistake.
Tell them about us, Len.
[GUITAR MUSIC.]
Okay.
Fuck it.
It's true.
[LEN.]
Richard and I are having an affair.
Well, I didn't see that coming.
You see, folks? Love is love is love.
[CRYING.]
I'm so sorry.
[CRYING.]
[NEWSCASTER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TELEVISION.]
Ah [ROCK MUSIC.]
[PHONE CHIMES.]
What are you doing? I thought you were asleep.
Why do you have two phones? It's for my mother.
It's an international phone.
Your mother's Patty? Patricia, yeah.
Bullshit.
[LAUGHS.]
You don't believe me.
Should I? You want me to call her? It's early there.
She's old.
Probably wake her up, but if you insist [SIGHS.]
No, it's okay.
[LAUGHS.]
All this Ian stuff is making you paranoid.
Fine.
- Keep it.
- Why? You don't trust me, so take it.
If it rings, answer it, and have a nice conversation with me ma.
Tell her I said hi.
[DANGER TWINS' "GOTTA BE YOURSELF" PLAYING.]
Yeah Mama always said gotta be yourself Gotta be yourself Mama always said don't worry, don't worry About no one else We do it like we do it, do it We do it like we do it, yeah Gotta be yourself Gotta be, gotta be yourself Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Daddy always tell me that you gotta be tough You gotta be tough Everybody's gonna see what you're made of What you're made of Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah - Hey! - [LIP.]
Hey.
[SIGHS.]
I got a broken cam bearing.
Grab that flashlight.
Help me take a look.
Yeah, sure, sure.
You're in a good mood.
I'm fucking married.
That was the best day of my life.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, looks like the breather gear took out the cam.
Eh.
Valves are bent too.
I'm gonna write an estimate.
Yeah.
So you and Tami hit it off at the wedding.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, yeah.
She's cute.
Uh, we hooked up.
She was drunk.
Puked on me.
[LAUGHS.]
Sober sex is weird, huh? Take her out on a real date.
Go out for a steak or something.
There's nothing like a good woman to ground you.
She could be the one.
You never know.
Nah, no, I think I'm too busy for anything like that.
Yeah, because you spend all your time hanging out with that ten-year-old girl.
It's getting kind of skeevy, man.
Hey.
She doesn't have anybody else.
[SIGHS.]
Call DCFS, bro.
Shit ain't your problem.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
I love my baby That's why she has to die Mm, I love my baby That's why she has to die Oh, I can't have these feelings for you, girl I'm not that type of guy Mm, I love my baby You know I love her so [DIALING PHONE.]
Mm, I love my baby [PHONE TRILLING.]
And that's why she has to go Fuck! No, no, fuck.
Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuck.
Ugh! Fuck.
Fuck.
Ooh, oh, oh Ooh, oh, oh, oh Ooh, oh, oh, oh [GIRLS LAUGHING.]
They're not even getting tired.
The dogs are, though.
[LAUGHTER.]
I've got to get them back to their owners at some point, you guys.
Uh, Molly, just ten more minutes, please.
Your next beer and shot's on the house.
Hey! She's doing a public service.
[TEACHER AND KIDS.]
How I wonder Hey, look at that.
Up above the world so high They're so well-behaved.
They're, like, the same age as the girls, and they can sing.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star - [VERONICA.]
Preschool.
- [KEV.]
Preschool.
[TEACHER AND KIDS.]
How I wonder what you are [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey.
How's it going? Can I help you? Yeah, it's it's, uh it's Lip.
You know, from the wedding thing.
Oh, yeah.
'Sup? Brad told me you worked here.
It's nice.
Okay.
Um Um Look, I thought maybe you'd want to, uh, um, go out to dinner, or something.
Oh, nah.
I'm good.
You're you're what? Look, I'm sure in some circles, you're badass, or not.
I don't know.
You're just really not that much fun.
You don't drink, you're all angsty about some little girl, and you fuck for shit.
Uh, I don't fuck for shit.
Oh, yeah, no, you fuck for shit.
Hey, fuck you, I fuck for shit.
Have you ever been on the receiving end of your fucking? No.
So how would you even know if you fuck for shit? You wouldn't.
Yeah, well, it's a little difficult to not fuck for shit when you're standing in a puddle of vomit, you know, fucking some gargantuan woman in a closet.
Whatever you need to tell yourself - to sleep at night.
- No, I'm sorry if I wasn't as good as the 73 other best men you've had sex with, all right? Oh, you weren't.
No, not by a long shot.
That was probably the worst lay - I've ever had.
- Jesus.
You were all like, jab, jab, jab.
- Jab, jab, jab, jab, jab, jab! - You know, I didn't even want to ask you out to dinner, all right? Brad made me do it.
I was just trying to be a nice guy.
Nice guy? Okay, well, then you should've fucked me good and hard, 'cause that would've been a nice guy.
You know, have a good life, pukey.
Yeah, see you later, jabby.
[SHOP BELLS JINGLE.]
Hey, Nick! [DEBBIE.]
You going to the port-a-potty again? Third time in the bathroom today? Whoo! What's that, about 12, 13 minutes, Jacob? What's the deal with you, Gallagher? You haven't taken a pee break all day.
Shit, you're right.
Thanks for reminding me.
Gonna go right now.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
All done.
Hi.
Whatcha doing? Signing the loan paperwork to get Ian's bail money, and I don't want to hear a word about it.
Not from me.
I come bearing burritos.
Chicken and bean? [FORD.]
Is that what you like? Yes.
Then of course that's what I got.
Thank you.
I will [LAUGHS.]
I will accept this apology burrito.
- Apology? - Yeah.
For keeping it a secret you got two phones.
Oh, and here I thought you were gonna apologize for snooping through my phones.
Yeah, no, not a chance.
- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
Did you talk to my mother? Nope, never rang.
I did drop it in the toilet, though.
I hope it still works.
- Mmm.
- [LAUGHS.]
Took care of your problem, Corporal Gallagher.
What problem is that? Just wanted to prove my loyalty to our platoon, sir.
The hell are you talking about, cadet? Kassidi.
Don't worry, sir.
Nobody will ever find the body.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
I have good news.
Me too.
I can get the bail money.
Our strike ended.
We were able to negotiate peaceable and non-abusive engagements.
Did you hear what I said? I got approval to take a loan - against my building.
- Now, some of the bangers are slow to pick up on what that actually means, but, you know, with the upbringing they've had, I'm not surprised.
Listen, if I bail you out, are you gonna show up for your trial? I-I have no idea where Shim's gonna take me, Fiona.
Who? Shim.
What the hell is a shim? [LAUGHS.]
I mean, we have no idea if God's a she or a he, do we? Oh.
Shim.
Whoa, I got out, I got out And not a moment too soon [ROSENBAUM.]
Okay.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, thank you again for your cooperation.
Uh, we've contacted your other sexual partners.
Uh, some of you are gonna need to find a new yoga instructor.
Couple of you gentlemen are gonna need to look for a new assistant.
What if I stay with Richard every Tuesday, Thursday, - and alternating weekend? - Perfect.
You're gonna become a "thruple"? Yep.
Thanks, Frank.
Aww, that's just great.
[LAUGHS.]
Let's go, boys.
[SIGHS.]
So, we made it to the other side.
Who knew STDs could bring so much happiness? Hey, Gallagher.
I want to thank you for showing me what a raging whore my wife is.
Well, now, come on [GASPS.]
[GROANS.]
[IRENE.]
Call me, Frank.
And not a moment too soon Oh, not a moment too soon Yeah Hey, Jacob! Looks like I'm the only one who didn't take a pee break today.
Guess you have no choice but to pay me the same as the guys.
$18 an hour, please.
Okay, fine.
You'll see it in your next paycheck, Jugs.
Thanks.
"Jugs"? [JAUNTY MUSIC.]
What the hell is this? I've been getting vibes so fresh and clean I can feel the sunshine calling me