Shameless US s09e02 Episode Script

Mo White for President

Ah, for shit's sake, you again? Really, you forgot what happened on last week's episode? It was seven days ago.
Drop the drink and get yourself to a fucking meeting, you loser.
I'm busting my ass to get you out of this shit hole.
My work here's not done.
I-I need a few more days.
You don't think I should bail him out? [FORD.]
If he skips town, you lose all your money.
Could be put to better use.
- How? - I don't know.
Invest in another apartment building.
Buy a café, yoga studio.
Why don't you come stay with me for a couple of days? That'd be cool.
You spend all your time hanging out with that 10-year-old girl.
She doesn't have anybody else.
Call DCFS, bro.
Shit ain't your problem.
Eighteen dollars? I make fifteen.
Well, you're a girl.
Way of the world, Jugs [KEV.]
V, why they got so much energy now? Go get it.
So well-behaved.
What are your plans for after graduation, Corporal? - Sir? - Cadet lieutenants have traditionally gone on to service academies.
West Point? Get a congressman or senator's recommendation.
You really think I could, Sir? There's an epidemic at our school.
Four people have tested positive for virulent strains of multiple STDs.
- I slept with Frank.
- So did I.
- [WOMAN.]
I slept with Frank.
- [WOMAN.]
[Rock music.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Good morning, my day-drinking brethren.
- How's everyone this morning? - We were good.
You smell like actual shit, Frank.
Uh, rye whiskey, V.
Leave the bottle.
Can't pay with cans, Frank.
Why not? There's gotta be 20 bucks in there.
And that's our recycling.
I just put those out.
Right, and now I'm recycling them.
Uh, run a tab? For old times' sake? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, damn, I just peed myself a little.
Guys, can you spot me? We fucking hate you, Frank.
Can I have the keg tray? At least let me drink that.
You wanna slurp warm, day-old beer runoff from a keg tray? Wow, lowering the bar, Frank.
- Disgusting, Frank.
- Every day.
When options are few, the wise man adapts.
One pity beer.
You tight on cash, huh, Frank? [FRANK.]
Tighter than a Mormon virgin.
I know how you can make some quick dough, if you're interested.
I don't do blowies anymore, Hughie.
This lady's paying five bucks for every "Ruiz for Congress" sign you steal from a yard.
You bring the signs over to the alley behind Wyman's headquarters, she gives you cash.
For stolen signs? What's the catch? Just get paid to steal.
All right, thanks.
What's with the uniform, GI Joe? I thought you were off for the summer.
Yeah, aren't you supposed to be "at rest"? At ease.
And there is no ease for a soldier who's West Point bound.
Debs, can you pass me the milk? [CARL.]
Eighty cents.
That's how much women make on the dollar compared to men.
And if you're a woman of color, 65 cents.
This is a sexist shit nugget of a country.
- Don't you forget that.
- [KEV.]
Oh, Debs! Thank God you're not working.
Hey, I need a favor.
I gotta take V to this nursery school tour.
Can you watch the girls for like an hour? They can't come.
Why are you speaking to me? - 'Cause you're Debbie.
Why are you speaking to the only woman in the room, Kevin Ball? Why is childcare a woman's job? Let me tell you why.
Did you know that the average American man works about 17.
5 hours a week doing unpaid home labor? Cooking, cleaning.
While women, however, spend about 28.
4 hours a week.
Now, considering the fact that the average American makes $26.
82 an hour, that's $40,000 a year that women are not getting paid to cook, clean, and wipe baby asses.
- So you can't do it? - [SCOFFS.]
Come on, Franny, let's oppose patriarchal oppression.
Yeah! [SIGHS.]
Lip, just an hour, man.
- [LIP.]
- Just one hour.
I can't.
I would.
I gotta head to a meeting before work.
- I'm sorry.
- Carl! My man.
Yeah, sorry, I got a parley with a superior at 0900.
I can do it.
I don't have school.
Amazing! Thank you so much.
Here's their diaper bag.
Who are you, again? This is Xan, she's staying with us for a while.
Are you sure? I mean, that's really nice of you.
- You're paying, right? - Bless you, Xanadu.
- You're good? Sure? - Yeah.
- All right.
- I gotta get going.
- [LIP.]
Yeah, me too.
- Yeah, Lip, I'm already late for school.
Take me? Yeah, I got you.
- [XAN.]
There you go, Bud.
Hey, Xan, text me, all right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
You know Max Whitford? The guy from the bus benches? Yeah, he's the number one commercial real estate agent in Chicago.
So says bench boy.
He sold Miles that place over on 26th street.
Why? I got a meeting with him today.
I'm gonna start looking at commercial properties.
Ian's bail money is burning a hole in my pocket, so I'm gonna spend my equity on buying another property.
Commercial real estate? Yeah, you were the one who told me to invest.
I meant maybe buy another building, some apartments.
Those things are mini-malls.
And mini-malls are out of my league? Max Whitford's just gonna try and fuck you, trust me.
Well, I can handle men trying to fuck me.
I've been doing that since I was nine.
Commercial real estate carries more risk.
I did pretty great flipping that laundromat.
I just don't think it's for you.
Who's it for then? It's for people who were born on third base and think they hit a triple.
Oh, so I have to be an un-fuckable trust fund baby to get anywhere in life, that's what you're saying? You know what? Forget it.
Don't worry about it.
I turned a profit on not one, but two properties.
I know you did.
- And you'll do great.
- Mm-hmm.
[Rock music.]
So what are you guys in for? Stole a first grader's Black Amex.
Didn't share my breakfast sushi.
Liam, come in, please.
Are you familiar with the saying "sins of the father"? Think I've heard it at home.
Your father made a lot of Hopkins parents very unhappy, and where there's unhappiness, there's often anger and retribution.
The Committee for Diversity and Advancement who fund your scholarship, they have made some demands and, well, we've loved having you here, son.
Why are you speaking in past tense? We see this as an opportunity for you.
With the step up that we have given you, you can soar now, little bird.
I'm getting kicked out? Yeah.
Are you lost, honey? Cadet Lieutenant Carl Gallagher.
I'm here to see Congressman Ubberman, ma'am.
Why? I seek the honor of his recommendation for West Point.
Are you a constituent? Ma'am? You live around here? Okay, sweetheart, I'll tell you how this works.
First, you set up an appointment, and the first avail we have is in nine weeks.
And you come back with your transcripts and your vitae My what? Your athletic and your academic achievements.
You know, publications, awards, and your exceptional record of your volunteer work in this community.
Volunteer work? You have to work for free to get into West Point? Thought you just had to wanna kill some towel heads.
The 100 hours of community service I did after juvie count? Court-ordered? No.
Here is a list of our accredited volunteer organizations.
Maybe start there.
Any of them pay? When we speak of marriage, what do we speak of? Well, you could turn to the Bible, see what they have to say.
We could try Ephesians 5:25.
"For a man shall love his wife the way Christ loved the church.
He gave up his life for her.
" But that's not very applicable to us, is it? Well, when I see these beautiful couples standing before me today, living under the terms of our newly-negotiated deal, one of mutual consent and reduced aggression, I see a true union, a union that defies categorization.
So, Bob and Hobart, Sameer and EJ, Gary and Turkish, do you come to this courtyard today purely to exchange vows? [ALL.]
I do.
Let's start with you, Bob and Hobart.
You made bail.
- What? - You're out of here.
No, there's been a mistake, all right? I'm in the middle of vows.
My work here is not done.
- I am not leaving.
- Move it, come on, come on.
- No.
- Don't touch Father Gallagher! [HOBART.]
We protect him.
Let him finish! I don't wanna go! So wait, are they married or not? Say they're married, Gallagher.
By the power vested in me and the great state of Illinois - [DOOR SLAMS.]
- [MAN.]
Girls are still doing that screechy dog thing, huh? - [CHUCKLES.]
- [GIRLS.]
Look, Zehra, it's Gemma and Amy.
Oh, I think she's still a little afraid of them.
You their new sitter? Yeah.
Yeah, baby, we can do the slide.
Nice to meet you.
What're you doing with my wallet? Are you stealing from me? Uh, n no.
Hey! Give me my wallet back! [Upbeat pop music.]
What the hell are you doing? You can't just leave the girls here.
I love my leather more than ever before I picked it up off some beauty queen's floor [MAN.]
What do you think you're doing? [FRANK.]
No, these are, uh, defective.
The signs are defective, and, uh, they've ordered a recall, the FDA.
The ink was, um, choking hazard, so they're going to be returned.
That's my sign, asshole! No, I I'm gonna bring them back.
- [MAN.]
Yeah, sure, you will.
- I'll return them.
So, how old are your princesses? Uh, four years old.
Well, our program has thrice been awarded the Stamp of Excellence by Good Parenting magazine.
Follow me this way.
Holy shit, are those bunnies real? Oui, oui.
Each child gets his or her own bunny at Beaucoup.
We try to surround the children with soft textures, like in the womb.
Wombs are soft.
[speaking Mandarin.]
Very good, Clover.
I think you are a future surgeon too.
I'm proud of you.
Mandarin Immersion today.
So what do you think? This is where I wanna go when I die.
Here is our applications packet with beaucoup info about Beaucoup.
What's this, uh, number here? Is that a year in the future? No, that's our tuition.
- For a year? - For the month.
For a month? Uh, that's three times our mortgage.
Oh, dear.
Yes, these numbers can seem a little bit high, but it's pretty standard in Chicago.
Are there scholarships? Not at Beaucoup.
Why don't I recommend you somewhere that's a little more budget-friendly.
Okay? [Rock music.]
Hello, everyone! My name is Debbie Gallagher, and I am a proud welder with a vagina, and I will stand for the wage gap no longer.
I am here to look for strong, independent women who will stand up with me and say no.
We need equal pay.
We need to unite, ladies.
We need to stick together, ladies.
We Uh, excuse me, sir, where are all the female employees? Buying pantsuits.
- [MAN.]
At the women's march.
- [MAN.]
Sewing pussy hats.
Leanin' in! [MAN.]
I wish they'd lean over.
Nice, nice, misogynistic dick.
All right, um, so my name's Jason, and I'm an alcoholic and an addict.
- Hey, Jason.
- Hi, Jason.
Sorry for having a kid with me.
I didn't have anywhere else to take her.
Her mom got busted six days ago.
And I keep trying to take her to a shelter, but shelters don't let men with babies in, so, a lot of hard nights in the car.
Uh, I was sober four days last week.
Blew it two days ago.
Blacked out.
Woke up to her screaming.
What I really want is a fucking hit.
But I came here, so [MAN.]
Thanks for sharing, Jason.
Anyone else? Okay, that's our time for today.
- All right, see ya.
Wanna hit Patsy's for pie before work? It's kind of early for pie, no? It's never too early.
Besides, they have breakfast pie.
- It's called "apple.
" - [SCOFFS.]
Hey, uh, thanks for your share, man.
Was it okay? I I mean, it's weird telling everybody your shit.
Yeah, no, you did good.
Just, uh, keep coming back.
Hey, actually, can I ask you something? Uh, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know how this is supposed to go.
I Feels like I'm asking you out on a date or something.
I need a sponsor.
Wondering if you You'd be up to sponsoring me.
Me? No, man, I'm I'm the last guy you'd want to sponsor you.
But, uh, you know, maybe ask Marshall.
The guy with the walker? [LIP.]
I need somebody born after 1990.
I mean, these people are all fucking dinosaurs.
No offense.
None taken, shithead.
I feel like I could talk to you.
Yeah, let me think about it, all right? What? [BRAD.]
Let me think about it? It's unity, service, and recovery, man.
That guy needs you.
I got enough people that need me.
You're loved and in demand.
Excuse me.
Hello? Yeah.
Shit, okay.
Yeah, I'll be right there.
All right.
Yeah, I'll catch you later! [CHARMAINE.]
So Congressman Ubberman's office sent you over? Where's that form? Oh.
Couple of routine questions.
Why do you wanna be a mentor? I don't.
Then, why are you here? I have to volunteer somewhere.
What academic subjects could you tutor your mentee in? None.
Special skills? Steady hand with a knife, ma'am.
Like to cut things and watch 'em bleed.
I think I might know a place for you, and [CHUCKLES.]
I guarantee you they are in desperate need of volunteers.
Soothing Horizon? Sounds like a nail salon? It's not.
Hi, I'm here, but I'm not here.
I'm super late.
- I just need shoes.
- Okay.
Hey, whose shit is this in my closet? Mine.
What'd you do with that box of shoes? I need those red heels for my meeting.
Oh, yeah, Gallaghers, that's great, just ram 'em under the stairs under some wet, moldy towels.
Thank you very much.
Why aren't you in school? I got expelled.
Why? Frank.
What did he do? [LIAM.]
All the moms.
He gave them venereal diseases.
And they kicked you out? [TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
Get in my car now.
Come on.
- [LIAM.]
Ugh, okay.
- [FIONA.]
Come on.
[Jazzy music.]
What makes a man? What breaks a man? Tell me what to do - Oh.
- Hey.
Sorry, just surprised.
We don't see a lot of your type collecting signs.
How many you got there? Twenty-two.
Nice gig you got here, fencing signs.
I'm the campaign manager.
How do I become a campaign manager? Hard to break in.
Lot of hustle.
Took me a decade of policy law, and an MBA from Yale.
Here you go.
One ten, plus an extra ten bucks for your discretion.
I could be a lot more discreet for 20.
It's the going rate for nondisclosure on the South Side.
Thanks again.
Well, wait, what blocks still have signs? I could have another 50 by end of business.
Oh, we'd rather give the work to the diversity hires.
You understand.
Vote Wyman! Yo, Kev, I'm so sorry, man.
Hey, you girls all right? They're all right.
Hi, hey, ma'am.
Are you the one responsible for that little hood rat who stole my wallet? Yeah, look, I I'm so sorry about that.
Um, how much did she take? I I can pay you back.
She took the whole damn wallet.
Eighty bucks, my ID, my credit cards.
Okay, all right, we can take care of that.
Uh, here you go, there's 80, and, uh, I'll find it for you.
I'll get it back to you, all right? I promise.
Um Hey, did you see which way the the girl went or Not my problem.
Tell that girl if I see her in the park again, I'm calling the cops.
What about Briar Lane Academy? - Mm, where's that one? - Skokie.
How're you gonna get up there every day? Those schools are for kids with nannies and drivers.
You gotta find a school way closer to home.
Or just go to Dyett.
I can't go to public school.
- Why not? - Hopkins made me soft.
I have manners now.
I eat paté.
I put apricot oil on my cuticles.
Well, there's three weeks of school left, - and you gotta go somewhere.
Max Whitford says he's gonna be late.
Classic power move.
Can't we just see if Briar Lane Academy has a spot? Maybe they provide transportation? [FIONA.]
Fine, here, put the number in.
Hi, there, I was calling to see whether you might have room in your [WOMAN.]
Ethnicity of the student? Black.
Sorry, we already have one.
One what? [WOMAN.]
Black student.
Thanks for calling.
I'll take you over to public school tomorrow.
But today I have to impress this Whitford guy.
Real estate agents always have something better than whatever it is they're showing you.
You just have to convince them that you deserve to see it.
He's also got fiduciary duty.
We covered that in Ethics.
And if you wanna impress him, use the word "artisanal" a lot.
It's how fancy people say good.
Artisanal cheese.
Artisanal soap.
Wow, where did you learn all this? Artisanal private school.
[Upbeat music.]
Can I help you, sir? Yeah, I I need to speak to the campaign manager.
It's a it's a matter of some urgency.
He's at a fundraiser, but I'm the operations manager, Diego.
All right, Operations Manager Diego, are you aware there are two whole city blocks with no Ruiz signs on them? Oh, I know, it's a problem.
Crooked Eleanor Wyman pays the homeless to do it.
- I mean, it's deplorable.
- It's despicable.
She's evil.
Well, luckily, I have, uh, some experience in erecting signs.
Maybe I could go around and replace them for you.
- What do you guys pay? - Five bucks a sign.
But, um, we try to hire local people.
Hey, I'm as local as they come.
South Side, born and bred.
Uh, local Hispanic people.
I am Hispanic.
Frank Rodriguez.
- Rodriguez? - Yeah.
My dad was, uh, Irish, but, uh, mamacita was Mexican.
I'm a big, fat chimichanga.
Hey, I'm gonna take 22 of these.
Do you guys pay in advance? You're gonna have to meet us at the debate afterwards to get paid.
That's where Alejandro, the campaign manager, is.
All righty, then.
Got it.
- Go Wyman! - You mean Ruiz.
What? Go Ruiz.
Arriba, arriba.
Ian, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, can you believe it? We raised every dime ourselves.
- We? - Your disciples.
We crowdsourced your bail to get you out.
I wasn't really done in there, though.
Those guys need me.
Oh, my God, so much exciting stuff has happened.
We have sponsorship now.
We're in 45 states, 1 mil strong on Insta.
We're getting some of those conversion facilities closed down.
Got money and pro bono lawyers working on it.
Got you a defense attorney.
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm talking so fast.
I'm just I'm really happy to see you.
You ready to face your public? Come on.
Come on! They've been waiting for hours.
Here he is.
My name is Debbie Gallagher and I am a welder with a vagina, and I am here to stand up to patriarchy! I am looking for any and all female employees - [MAN.]
Show us your pussy! - To stand up with me, and say no! We need to stick together, ladies.
- [MAN.]
Sup, double Ds? - We will not be silent! Ow, you fucking dickhead.
You almost hit my kid.
'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, yo, lady, you gotta go.
- You distracting my men.
- They're a bunch of pig fucks.
We see boobs! I am not leaving until I get to speak to one of your female employees.
There aren't any.
You don't have one female employee? No.
So get your smelly cunt out of here.
[rock music.]
Yeah, well, I just think it's a little tacky to be doing business at a funeral, David.
All right, well, you can tell him to come back with 740 firm or he can go fuck himself.
Sorry about that, I'm just slammed today.
What can I say? Abundance, it's a real thing.
So, what do you think? It's got good bones, but I'm really looking for something more upscale.
More, uh, artisanal.
Uh, I see.
I think we know someone in common.
Ford Kellogg? Uh oh, God, the Irish guy? You're friends with him? Oh, no, not really.
I just know him a little from around.
Yeah, my boy Tobey hired him on a remodel.
That joker took six months longer than he said he would.
Charged three times more, and threw a temper tantrum about taking out some fucking wainscoting.
Anyway, need a wood guy, just call me.
Okay, I appreciate that.
So it's, uh, 540 firm, and I've got another offer on the table, so What do you think the rental increase per square foot is gonna be year to year, with gentrification? At least 20%.
Maybe more.
Really? Huh.
Aren't things actually leveling off, down a few percentage points last quarter? [FIONA.]
CBD heading towards an equilibrium? Sorry to interrupt.
Fiona, gotta get you to your next closing by 1:00.
Who's this little guy? [FIONA.]
This is my intern, Liam.
He's a prodigy.
Anyway, nice to meet you, Mr.
? Whitford.
Hey, you know what? You seem savvy.
Why don't you let me show you something else? I got another property just off Malcolm X, not even listed yet.
What do you say, can you push your 1:00? [Smooth funk music.]
Okay, just this once.
I'll text you the address.
- [MAN.]
Look who's back1 - I'm bringing 'em back.
What the hell are you doing now? I'm bringing 'em back, asshole, just like I said I would.
See? I'm bringing 'em.
Here they are.
I didn't ask for that sign! [FRANK.]
Brand new, see? They were defective.
I don't want any more signs! It was defective.
What are you, an idiot? Jesus.
Who you calling an idiot? [BELL RINGS.]
Can I help you? Yeah, heard you guys might be in need of some volunteers.
You wanna volunteer? Here? Yes, sir.
I'm in need of some documented community service.
Trying to get into West Point.
Well, great.
Military boy, huh? Yeah, strong stomach.
How much can you bench, son? 'Cause these sons of bitches can get heavy.
Uh, what is it exactly you guys are doing here? Well, come on back, I'll show you.
Got a, uh, 15-year-old Rottweiler in there and a pair of 16-year-old Mastiffs.
Should be done in a second.
Done? Yeah.
Only takes three or four minutes, if you get the, uh, hose on the tailpipe right.
You're killing dogs? Yeah.
That's the service we offer the community, son.
Euthanasia for elderly, and, uh, terminally ill dogs.
I'm a retired vet.
Had my own practice for, uh, 38 years.
And I got sick of seeing these poor people around here shooting their own dogs in the street when they got old, toss 'em in dumpsters and drop 'em off the bridge with a with a cinderblock tied to their paw.
And all because they couldn't afford the $150 to put 'em down at the vet's.
Well, now they can call Soothing Horizon.
We pick 'em up, bring 'em here, and let 'em go peaceful.
In a gas chamber? Yep.
Uh Banjo and Lucky are dead.
Skippy too.
Come on, grab a leg.
Did you see his face when I called out his 20% lie? He was like, "Ah, damn!" God, we crushed it back there.
Did you find another private school? No, but there are 57 private schools in Chicago.
One must need a token.
And stop fidgeting with your hair.
It reads weak.
[Foreboding rock music.]
Two hundred grand Campaign Manager Alejan [RUIZ.]
Speaking engagement at the Black Corporate Officers of America Conference.
And where did my opponent - [RUIZ.]
put that money? - Are you Alejandro? Right in her pocket.
If by "pocket" Isaac Ruiz means my campaign - [WYMAN.]
then yes - Alejandro? - No.
- [WYMAN.]
I am guilty.
Guilty of trying to represent my constituents by staying in office.
And Isaac Ruiz is one to talk.
He's a Republican businessman.
Took a $500,000 donation from the Mexican Youth Soccer Organization and then announced massive plans to turn our baseball fields into turf soccer fields.
Hey, what what's going on here? [MAN.]
It's the Ruiz/Wyman debate.
They are the congressional candidates from this district.
Congress, huh? To turn this condemned eye sore into an LGBTQ Latino Center of South Side.
What about the hardworking African-American citizens who want a Martin Luther King African Art Center in that brewery? Hey, um you Alejandro? Uh, yes.
Uh, sir, uh, sorry.
- Contributions are over there.
- No, no, no.
I I wanna get paid.
I, uh I put up signs.
A hundred and ten dollars.
You must be Frank Rodriguez? In the flesh.
Thank you, mi amigo.
Here at Basic we have a strict "no nothing" policy.
No acting up, no crying, and no snitching.
What happens at Basic stays at Basic.
That toilet's not gonna clean itself, little missy.
Get down in there.
Come on, keep coming.
Through here.
[Downtrodden rock music.]
This is our infant area.
And out here is where we hold our older kids.
We call it the Imagination Area.
Where are the toys? Bunnies? See, that's just it.
You use your imagination.
You imagine toys.
- Doesn't look like much.
- Yet.
But this is a killer opportunity.
Trust me, everything on this block is gonna quadruple in value in the next five years.
You could put in a cold slab ice cream store there.
A yoga studio.
Sky's the limit.
Why quadruple? There's a new project coming in down the street.
Not announced yet.
The nursing home rumor is true? Yeah.
We're putting in another Sunset Brook Senior Care Center.
Nobody wants to change parental diapers.
It's sad, right? Lack of gratitude for our most vulnerable.
Anyways, there's a Whole Foods coming in down the street.
Serving this up to you in a silver platter.
Any way to get in on the Sunset Brook deal? [CHUCKLES.]
No, no, I'm sorry.
I'm way oversubscribed on that as it is.
I mean, I had to fight to get my own money into it.
But this is the opportunity right here.
So, interested? In Sunset Brook I am.
Listen, I gotta get to a drinks thing at Fig & Cherry, but if either of the properties I showed you interest you, just give me a call.
Unless you wanna come along for drinks.
Drinks could turn into dinner, it could turn into maybe more.
You should really let me in on this Sunset Brook deal.
I got cash in hand.
I know the neighborhood.
Drinks? Yay, nay? I think I already have a thing, don't I? Dinner with investors.
We needed to leave five minutes ago.
Well, nice to meet you.
Absolutely, let's stay in touch.
I'll see you, Lance.
Stay fresh.
What a douchebag.
Hey! Hey.
Xan, stop! Xan.
Come here.
Come here.
- You stop trying to hit me.
- Get off of me.
I'm not going back to DCFS.
What are you talking [GRUNTS.]
Fuck! Would you stop? I didn't call DCFS, dumbass.
I'm on your side.
Jesus Christ.
The hell's going on with you? Can't leave toddlers in the park, Xan.
The lady was gonna call the cops on me.
Yeah, well, why were you stealing from her? I would've given you the money.
What'd you need the money for anyway? My mom.
Your mom's around? No, but she has a P.
box at the mailbox place around the corner.
That's where she gets her SNAP benefits, so I try to leave a little money there for when I can.
You can't be doing that shit, all right? All right, my mom, she was always disappearing, okay? Always asking me for money, but you can't do it.
She doesn't ask me.
[Gentle guitar music.]
Listen, I'm gonna put some money in your mom's P.
box, all right? But you cannot do this again.
All right.
Where's that lady's wallet, huh? She's pissed as shit.
In a dumpster on Ellis.
- Where are you going? - Dumpster diving.
Coming? [FRANCES.]
And then the puppy said, "Let's be friends, Kitty.
" And Kitty felt afraid, because cats are supposed to be scared of dogs.
But Kitty decided to be brave because dogs and cats can be best friends.
- Great puppet show, Sister.
Thank you.
The children help make the puppets out of donated clothes - and milk cartons.
- [KEV.]
Mm! Teaches creativity and recycling.
Mm! Let's cut to the chase, Sister.
How much? Well, we try to keep tuition affordable, so we only charge $150 a week, but we do need your child to be baptized.
Is your little one baptized? - 100%.
- Baptized.
Dunked in the water.
We're very religious.
We pray every night and we put those dirty crosses on our faces.
He means on Ash Wednesday.
Sometimes Thursdays too.
We are down with the Christ.
Then the one spot we have open is all yours, Mr.
and Mrs.
Sorry, did you say one spot? [FRANCES.]
Yes, you're in luck.
Little Emily-Jo joined her parents on their Sudan mission.
[Upbeat rock music.]
Ian, we love you! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Are you okay? Yeah.
Just used to being in lock up.
- Who are all these people? - They're the movement.
This is Jo, Beth, Sara, Monte, and Kimby, our Senior Council.
Let's get you to the conference room.
We told them only one selfie per person.
- Selfies? - Our donors.
If you give 1K or more, you get a step and repeat - with Gay Jesus.
- Wait.
Geneva, donors? [GENEVA.]
For your bail.
It's exciting, isn't it? How much we've grown.
Because of you, thanks to you.
Oh, give 'em the index cards.
Monte wrote a statement for you.
He used to work in publicity for Leo Burnett.
"My harrowing and abusive time in jail"? Good, right? Prison was inspiring.
Well, just emphasize your oppression as a gay man and the daily violence you endured.
What is this? Oh, that's all the van torchings we've done.
We're doing more tomorrow in your honor.
Why? It's become a symbol of freeing kids from oppression.
We got you this to wear.
It'll make a great picture for the website.
- Am I allowed to take a piss? - Sure, yeah, of course.
It it's around the corner, just make it quick.
Press conference starts in ten.
Watch us disappear Back into the ether One point seven million.
You hear that? And the Sunset Brook up in Evanston sold two years after initial acquisition with a $2 million profit.
That piece of shit is sitting on a golden egg, and he's trying to unload that dump on me that hasn't been renovated since the '80s and has been on the market since I when, Liam? February.
Asking price went down on Looper yesterday.
- Unbelievable.
- 'Cause he's a dick.
I told you that.
The nursing home offering is still online.
It says there's five partnership spots left.
[Funky music.]
Oh, he's a fucking liar.
He's putting the whole thing together and he wrote me off as dollar store trash? 'Cause he's a dick.
I told you that.
Can you stop reminding me that you were right? He try to sleep with you as well? Yes, he tried to sleep with me.
No, he didn't take me seriously.
And yes, you were completely right.
And he's not gonna get away with it.
Sunset Brook is coming to my neighborhood.
It's coming to my backyard.
It's gonna print money.
And I want in.
Come on, Liam.
Where are we going? To take what's ours.
Don't worry, Sergeant, he won't feel any pain.
The injection doesn't hurt.
And he'll be buried in a grassy field down by the lake.
That's a great comfort to me.
Thank you.
I love Biscuit.
Of course you do.
And he loves you.
When you're ready, we'll begin.
Put the music on.
And, uh, toss some rose pedals.
Not all of them.
Save some for the others.
There's my boy.
There's my good boy.
God, he's a service dog? Yep, General Biscuit's been with me since Afghanistan.
I lost an eye.
I gained a best friend.
Through thick and thin, eh, buddy? Lord be with you Till we meet again [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Over there, all right? Yo.
So where the hell was she? Oh, it's a long story.
Sorry I'm so late.
I'll work tonight, make up for it.
Don't worry about it.
Hey, could you, uh, toss me the torque wrench? Yeah.
What's up? I wanna tell you something.
As a friend.
Are you coming out to me, man? You should sponsor that guy with the baby.
It's the next stage in your sobriety, you're ready.
What am I supposed to say to that guy, Brad, huh? "You can do it"? - I can barely do it myself.
- Then so say that to him.
Look, you've already been a sponsor without knowing it.
Look what you did for Youens, and for me.
I got enough shit to be stressed about, all right? Lip.
Helping another AA member is a hell of a lot better for your sobriety than chasing after a kid who's not yours.
Gallaghers don't sponsor.
We get sponsored.
It's in our DNA.
Well, maybe you're more than your DNA.
At least I think you are.
I gotta take a leak.
You take 'em in there and, uh, give 'em some treats and, uh, make 'em feel real comfy and then get started.
Uh, you know, maybe we could wait a second.
Wait for what? I mean, let 'em die naturally.
They're practically dead.
Plus Biscuit's a vet.
Deserves better.
I couldn't agree with you more, son, but I'm a not-for-profit.
I get 20, 25 dogs through here a week.
That's a lot of dog food, doggy diapers, medications.
Some of them need a senior diet, and that's twice as much.
So, uh, get started.
Chop chop.
It's open! I'll be right down, Farhad.
Hello? Looking for Debbie Gallagher.
What the fuck are you doing here? [ALEX.]
Can I talk to you a minute? No.
How did you find me? You told everyone in Chicago your name is Debbie Gallagher and you're a welder with a vagina.
- [ALEX.]
Not hard to find.
- What do you want? - I'm gonna be late.
- I lied to you this morning.
There is another woman on my site.
Who? Me.
You're a woman? I don't wanna get paid 1/3 of what the dudes make.
It's bullshit.
My last job I was the best electrician on site.
Foreman paid me 1/3 of what the guys got.
Now, I got a good gig, but you saw how Neanderthal them jokers can be.
I'm in the lion's den.
I had to pull a Boys Don't Cry.
That's hardcore.
You can't tell.
My foreman's a piece of dog shit.
[Rock music.]
Oh, sorry, I don't mean stare at you.
You just really look like a dude.
Yeah, yeah, I I know.
Ah, shit, I gotta go.
I'm gonna be late for work.
Um [ALEX.]
what time do you get off? Maybe you wanna grab a beer later, topple the patriarchy? Hell yeah.
I'm off at 9:00.
All right, then, it's a it's a date.
Because I don't know if anybody's gonna be there to pick me up.
You still got five limited partnerships available on that Sunset Brook lot.
So what the hell, Whitford? Do you think I'm not smart enough? Or you just like making women feel like they need to fuck you to join an LLC? Um This is Fiona Gallagher.
She's she's very passionate about real estate.
I know the neighborhood.
I know the people.
I know the old people you're gonna put in diapers.
I know the permits.
I know the people that stamp the permits.
I know that block like the back of my hand.
I got 50K in my pocket and I want in.
You'd need 100 to play.
Then I got 100 in my pocket.
So what do you say? Am I in? Or am I out? 'Cause if I'm in, I'll leave.
But if I'm not, I'm gonna keep standing here.
And I'm gonna eat every one of your goddamn breadsticks.
Let me ask you fine gentlemen, Which of these congressional candidates look like you? That's a gay Latino man and a semi-hot black woman, Frank.
American men used to control everything.
Look at a history book.
We used to be the leading men.
Now, we're marginalized.
I attended a congressional debate this afternoon, and you know what I experienced? Reverse racism.
It's all diverse gays and vaginas now.
The tide is changing, gentlemen, and it's changing too damn fast, am I right? [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
Give me a beer.
I'll tell you something else.
They're trying to take the Old Blue Brewery away from us.
They wanna convert it into an LTGB-E-I-E-I-O, or a a goddamn African Art gallery? So? We need a candidate of our own, boys.
A bright, shining beacon of hope.
We need someone who will promote and protect our values.
Someone who'll make sure our culture doesn't disappear.
Someone who sat on a barstool and stared down the gun barrel that is the working class experience.
But who? What about Mo White? - He died.
- [FRANK.]
He did? Are you sure? He did somebody check.
Did he die? Uh, says here he's alive, just retired.
Well, that's perfect.
Mo White is a genius idea.
He was a true American congressman.
He loosened the liquor license rules so that the Irish would have some place to drink.
- [patriotic music.]
- He helped rebuild Comiskey.
He put in bocce for our Italian brothers.
- A and and horse-shoe pits.
- That's right.
Didn't he keep the Chris Columbus memorial from being torn down? [FRANK.]
You bet your ass he did.
Mo White is a friend of the South Side.
We gotta find Mo White and write White in.
We need seed money for his campaign.
Ten bucks.
I'll go first.
Give me that.
Ten bucks.
Everybody, ten bucks.
What do you say? Come on, yeah.
The fundraising starts right now.
The campaign pot is coming around.
Hey, let's make Chicago white again.
- [ALL.]
- Mo White, Mo White - [ALL CHANTING.]
Mo White [patriotic music.]
I got it.
Mo White, Mo White.
Mo White, Mo White, Mo White.
Yeah, I know this isn't the Ritz-Carlton, but the Gallagher basement beats the murder van, guys.
I got you guys some water.
I'm gonna do a Petco run.
Any requests? No? All right, well, you guys just relax, take all the time you need, just die naturally.
All right? Take care.
Jesus Christ.
- When'd you get out? - Today.
Welcome home.
You look good.
Did you lean out in there? So what'd I miss around here? You know, same old, same old.
Well, I gotta go pick up like 80 pounds of kibble.
You know, catch up later? Yeah, yeah.
Wait, who's the girl on my bed? Uh, that's Xan, Lip's kid.
So you're both going to nursery school and you'll both have on the exact same outfit, but you can't ever be in the same room at the same time.
Gemma, Daddy's gonna drop you off at the back door.
And Amy, Mommy's gonna drop you off at the front door.
And Amy, if you're on the play ground that means you, Gemma, you gotta be in the classroom.
And Gemma, if you're in the arts room, then Amy, you're gonna have to hide in your cubby.
And you're both named Amy now.
There is no Gemma.
Gemma doesn't exist anymore.
Only Amy.
And you're devout Catholics, so cross yourselves a lot, like this.
- Good.
This is going to be a super fun secret family game, right? We love you Amy.
We love you, Fake Amy.
We love you, Fake Amy.
[Solemn music.]
How's it going, man? I'm here.
Coming in? [BABY CRYING.]
Hey, man, I tell you what.
Why don't we go in together? Huh? Uh, I'll sponsor you.
Come on.
Come on, sweetie, come on.
Come on, you're okay.
We'll get some pie after and talk.
I know a good place.
I don't eat pie.
Now you do.
- Can I help you? - [FRANK.]
Mo White? Yeah.
Yeah, who are you? [Rock music.]
Sir, your country needs you.
Uh-huh? [FIONA.]
All right, pick your poison.
- Grape or punch? - [LIAM.]
The world Passed it on to somebody else We did it.
Gallagher finally made it off first base.
Whoa Oh Taking bets from Bangkok to France Why sit down when you wanna da [MAN.]
And fire.
And fire.
And fire.
What the fuck? It's 5:00 in the morning, Carl.
It's a goddamn dog, Carl.

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