Shameless US s09e03 Episode Script

You Haven't Done This Before Have You?

1 Fuck you guys want? It's the recap shit.
What, you guys miss last week's episode? Eh, we should probably show it to 'em.
I guess.
Go! You want to volunteer? Here? Yes, sir.
In need of some documentation, community service.
Trying to get into West Point.
Only takes three or four minutes if you get the, uh, hose on the tailpipe right.
You're killing dogs? All right, well, you guys just relax.
Just die naturally.
Where are all the female employees? - [MEN.]
At the woman's march! - [MEN.]
Selling pussy hats.
"Jugs"? I lied to you this morning.
- There is a woman on my site.
- Who? Me.
A-are they giving you your meds in there? I-I'm protecting defenseless lambs from having their emotional and physical spirits slaughtered.
[PHONE CLATTERS.]
[GUARD.]
Gallagher! You made bail.
Your disciples! We crowd sourced your bail to get you out.
Gay Jesus! [CHEERING.]
- Commercial real estate? - Yeah, you're the one who told me to invest.
Max Whitford's just gonna try and fuck you, trust me.
You seem savvy.
We're putting in another Sunset Brooks senior care center.
You'd need a hundred to play.
Then I got a hundred in my pocket.
[POP.]
We did it.
[LAUGHS.]
- I need a sponsor.
- Me? Helping another AA member's a hell of a lot better for your sobriety than chasing after a kid who's not yours.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, I'll sponsor you.
Come on.
We someone who will promote and protect our values! What about Mo White? Let's make Chicago White again! [CHEERING.]
Mo White? Yeah.
Who are you? Your country needs you.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Uh-huh.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [ROCK MUSIC.]
That'll show those misogynistic motherfuckers.
[QUIETLY.]
Fuck, yes! [LAUGHS.]
Only two dicks left.
Clearly you haven't had much experience around a dick.
It's more like this.
Ooh.
Hey.
- En garde! - Ooh! - Ooh! [LAUGHS.]
- [DISTANT CHEERING.]
[QUIETLY.]
Shh, shh! [BOTH LAUGH.]
[ALEX.]
Yeah, we're gonna get busted.
Okay, who's next? Uh, this one.
Oh, hell, no.
Yo, yo, Darryl fucking Feathers, man! He was the foreman at my last job.
Oh, shit.
This one gets two dicks.
[WELDERS CLANK.]
[DOGS BARK DISTANTLY.]
Hey.
Hey.
[TRAIN HORN BLOWS DISTANTLY.]
Um The fuck you doing? Waiting.
- Waiting for what? - Shim.
Good morning, my indigenous South Siders! Don't mind me.
Just showing our support for a better tomorrow.
Huh? Hi.
W-what's a "shim"? Shim.
God.
But God doesn't have a gender, or maybe it's both genders, so she, him Shim.
Mother-father God.
And you're waiting for Shim to Talk to me.
Tell me what to do next.
Does that happen a lot? Used to all the time in jail, but since I've been out, nothing.
[FRANK.]
That's because it never happened.
Shim, a higher power, the great I Am, Great Spirit Call it whatever you want But it ain't talking to you.
And we weren't talking to you.
Enlightenment, or whatever these new-fangled hippy-dippy religions are selling, is a waste of time.
Gay Jesus, Taoism, Scientology, Christian Science, Joel Osteen, Deepak Chopra It's like going to one of those flaky schools where the students create their own curriculum, then don't get graded on it.
Religion isn't a startup, Ian.
You want God to talk to you, you gotta stick with the classics: Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity.
And if you break the rules, you burn in hell for all eternity.
And there's your enlightenment.
In the meantime, I shall be saving the South Side from the endless caravan of immigrants.
[LIP.]
All right.
You guys should get going, huh? Come on.
You don't want to be late for your first day of public school.
That's the one thing they care about.
Oh, wait.
[LIP GRUNTS.]
Oh.
There.
Later.
Hey, buddy, Liam, might want to lose the tie.
No? Okay.
[POP/ROCK MUSIC.]
We're making sandwiches now, Pops? You think that's weird? It ain't hard to see What's going on with me Got what I want And a little bit of what I need Something smooth so fine so sweet Something good's got ahold of me Make it hard for anyone to leave When we gotta Here you go, Miss Riley.
I can assure you, there was no suffering.
Bless you, sweet boy.
Sparky's in a better place.
Mm.
[FORD, INDISTINCT.]
We done? [FIONA.]
Ta-da! What do you think? [FORD, PANTING.]
It's an empty lot.
Yeah, 1/10th of which belongs to me.
But it's not about what it looks like now.
It's about what it's gonna be.
You're looking at the future site of Sunset Brook Senior Care, phase two.
It's nice, huh? Hm.
"Hm"? What is "hm"? Well, just seems like they could've put a bit more money into the architecture, you know? Well, they're going for a really simple, practical, kind of European vibe.
I love it.
Yeah, well, it's definitely practical.
Is this the thing Whitford sucked you into? [LAUGHS.]
Whitford didn't suck me into anything.
I invested in a limited partnership.
[LAUGHS.]
So Max Whitford makes all the decisions? [FIONA.]
The general partner does, yes.
It's an LLC, which means my liability is limited, so I can't get sued by some junkie roofer.
Ah, so you can only lose all your investment, - which was how much again? - 100,000.
[LAUGHS.]
- 100,000? - Mm-hm.
- Dollars? - With a 30% return expected in less than a year.
Come on.
Still got 12 blocks to go.
[CLOUDLAND'S "RESTART" PLAYS.]
Christ.
Seriously? [DOG WHINING.]
[SIGHS.]
Don't worry, Sparky.
I'm gonna be with you here till the end.
Please take the pride "Pablo would like to play and run.
He'd spend his day in the bright, warm sun.
" Please take my heart Oh, this is how we restart [LIP.]
Hey.
Morning.
Sorry.
The meeting's done already? Uh, they're just getting - started there you go.
- Hey, man.
Thanks for letting me call you at 2:00 a.
m.
Yeah, that's what sponsors are for, you know? Could I get you to sign my court sheet? Yeah, look, you gotta be on time, though, all right? I don't sign for short-timers.
Sorry.
It's all right.
[PAPER RUSTLING.]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[CHIMING.]
Hello? [BABY FUSSING.]
Shit.
Is she okay? Yeah.
All right, okay.
Yeah, I'll be right there.
Yo, I gotta go, all right? My kid's in the emergency room.
You have a kid? [MELLOW POP OVER SPEAKERS.]
We need more dicks.
- I know! - [LAUGHS.]
So I know these women in my trade school welding class.
- I think they can help.
- Mm, cool.
You know if you mouth the words "olive juice," it looks like you're saying "I love you"? - What? - Watch.
[MOUTHING.]
Oh, my God.
It totally does.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Right? Yeah, I don't have many straight friends.
I kind of like this.
[CHUCKLES.]
Me too.
I like having a gay friend.
How old were you when you realized you were gay? Uh, the second they slapped my ass and cut the umbilical cord.
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
- [CAR HORN HONKING.]
- Oh, shit.
Look.
Luh-luh-look.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- I love it.
- [CAR HORN HONKING.]
[DISTANT WOLF WHISTLE.]
[ALEX.]
Hey.
[MOUTHING.]
[CLICK.]
[MOUTHING.]
[LAUGHS.]
What the hell? They made a list of the rapiest bars in the South Side, and The Alibi's number one? I haven't raped anybody in here.
No one's ever raped anyone in here! At least not in the inside.
Out in the alleyway, maybe.
But I knew people thought The Alibi was shitty, but now they think we're rapey? - Who says we're rapey? - Some stupid article.
Give it to me.
Who wrote it? Bethany Pickford-Watson.
Of course she has two last names.
Does she look familiar to you? - Oh, probably some lesbo.
- No.
No.
- I'd hit that for sure.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! "They even pay black prostitutes with fake boobs to walk around in short skirts.
" I'ma kill that bitch.
This is so unfair.
[KEV.]
I mean, look around.
W-w-what's so rapey about this place, anyway? Do your thing, girl What's your preference Man of your dreams or a death wish Somebody to live on the edge with I get nasty voice get raspy I won't tell if you harass me If you got a man dump that lame And bring it over here back up and dump that thing Yeah I don't know, V.
Maybe this place - is a little rapey.
- You think? Craig has his dick out right now.
Craig! Damn it, man! Ball bag was hot.
[ZIPS PANTS.]
Just a little pop quiz to see how your weekend was.
Just kidding.
It's actually ten questions to see if you remember how to diagram a sentence.
[ALL GROAN.]
Liam.
Since this is your first day, I don't expect you to know any of this.
Just do the best you can.
[MRS.
WINSTON.]
Begin.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Psst.
Psst, hey.
Greetings, fellow men of leisure! I brought free shit for ya, so wear it with pride.
I got hats.
Here you go.
Hats for everyone.
V, can I get a little, um What else have I got? Oh! T-shirts.
Check these out.
Pass 'em down there.
These are cool.
One size fits all.
[FRANK.]
What else do I have? Bumper stickers.
Here, pass those down, would you? And, of course, it wouldn't be a political campaign without buttons.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you, V.
"Mo White: Mo Better.
" You know that's racist, right? And, needless to say, your political contributions are welcome and most appreciated.
Are you joking me? Need I remind you, gentlemen and lady, what is at stake here? No one is protecting us.
Mo White is our only hope.
You sure this isn't about the money, Frank? Of course it's about the money, Tommy! Contributions are the lifeblood of a political campaign.
Do you really think the Ruiz or Wyman campaign gives a shit about us? Hell, no! They're too busy whining about equality and cultural heritage.
They're not even from the South Side! [FRANK.]
And I don't know that they were born in this country.
Ruiz? The hell kind of a name is that? I'd like to see that birth certificate.
[LAUGHS.]
[SLURPS.]
Mo White will fight for the things we care about.
Thank you, man.
Thank you.
Gentlemen? - Come on, guys.
Let's do this.
- [MEN MUTTERING.]
I know.
It's a bitter pill.
We gotta do it for our own good.
Here you go.
There you go.
Don't look at me like that.
Come on.
Come on.
- Guys, come on.
- [MAN.]
Come on.
South Side! It's important.
Fine.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If you will excuse me [ROCK MUSIC.]
I got some winnin' to do.
[LAUGHS.]
Make sure you vote! I still can't believe you invested $100,000 in a vacant lot.
[FIONA.]
Yep.
Signing the papers tonight, and then we're gonna flip it quick.
- [CHIME.]
- Ah, I'm meeting him at 7:00.
Does Whitford even know about me? - [ELECTRONIC TONE.]
- Huh? Does he know about me, that we're together? Yeah, we talked about you.
Hm.
Who are you selling it to? Sunset Brook.
They're in negotiations to buy the land.
Hi! So the deal isn't done yet? Why are you shitting on my parade? Just because you don't think it's a good idea doesn't mean you gotta be a dick about it.
I'm not trying to be a dick.
I'm just saying that it might be I thought we were gonna eat together.
We can't sit at the table like normal human beings? Yeah, but then the fries get cold.
- Who likes cold French fries? - Well you didn't even order fries.
Those are my fries.
[FIONA.]
Well, here.
You can't eat them all.
Thank you very much.
Listen, for the record, I do fully support you.
Phase two is is gonna be great.
Well, don't just say it 'cause you think it's what I want to hear.
Be honest.
I was being honest, and then you told me I was shitting all over your parade.
Can I have my cheeseburger, please? Yeah.
Thank you.
I'll be at the table.
Mm-hm.
[SIGHS.]
[TRANQUIL MUSIC.]
Look, I've never been to a Buddhist temple before.
I need Shim to talk to me.
Uh, God.
To talk to me.
Any tips? Repeat.
"I'm here to learn.
" I'm here to learn.
"I take refuge in the Buddha.
" I take refuge in the Buddha.
"Until I attain enlightenment.
" Until I attain enlightenment.
Quick question.
[IAN CLEARS THROAT.]
Once I attain enlightenment, then will Shim talk to me? 'Cause they did for a while.
But then, suddenly, it stopped.
So did Shim stop talking to me, or did I stop hearing Shim? [DOGS BARKING, WHINING.]
I got this, Ralph.
- You sure? - Yeah, don't worry about it.
I'll take care of Bootsie.
Okay.
Thanks, Carl.
See you tomorrow.
Don't worry, Bootsie.
No serenity for you today.
[DOGS BARKING DISTANTLY.]
Get your dumb-ass tote bag out of my space! It's actually not a tote bag.
It's a satchel.
And who the hell starts a new school with three weeks left in the school year? All the private schools were full.
Fucking satchel boy.
I have two daughters.
What kind of father am I if I'm also the owner of the local rapery? V got to you, didn't she? [VERONICA.]
The Alibi should be a sanctuary, a haven where women can come, relax, and only get laid if they want to.
We could all use a place where we could get laid if we wanted to.
In this day and age, you can't say shit to a woman without her crying harassment.
Hell, they'd sue their own reflections if they could.
I'm just not gonna talk to them anymore.
[VERONICA.]
No one talks to your ass anyway.
Yeah, but if they did, I wouldn't say anything.
Creepily glaring at them is not the answer.
Hell, I probably catcalled nine or ten women yesterday.
- You think women like that? - I'm in construction.
I can't just change.
Doesn't matter if time's up or not.
If a chick walks by, I instinctively grab my balls, and yell "Suck on this.
" It's just what happens.
All right, let's start there.
You can't call 'em chicks anymore.
Tail? - [VERONICA.]
No.
- Wool? No.
Women? Mm, I don't think so.
Contains the word "men.
" I got it.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Vaginal enterprises.
Okay, I'm out.
Maybe we should just stick with "women.
" Oh.
Some women - That's better.
- [LAUGHS.]
Some women like to be told they're pretty.
- [KEV.]
Mm-hmm.
- Now, how are we supposed to know the difference between the ones that like it and the ones that don't? Old women like being hit on.
Maybe we should just allow the old women in.
- [KEV.]
Kermit! - Why the hell would we want that? We need a consistent standard.
[VERONICA.]
All right, here's your standard.
Assume you are disgusting, that no one wants you to touch them, and they couldn't care less if you think they're pretty or not There's your damn standard.
[KERMIT.]
I've never been so confused.
[KEV.]
The bottom line is that the bar can't be rapey anymore.
If women stay away, bad for business.
Plus, rapey is wrong.
A-and more importantly, rapey is wrong.
What's that twirly writing? Cursive.
- You know cursive.
- Yes, ma'am.
Wow.
[LIP, WHISPERING.]
Sorry, 'scuse me! Hi.
Hey, I'm looking for a Xan, X-A-N.
Last name? Um, Galvez.
Xan Galvez.
Is she here? She okay? And you are Lip.
I'm her, um her brother.
[KEYBOARD KEYS CLICKING.]
Sorry, don't have any record of a Xan.
Oh, she, uh She has really crazy hair, she came in with a broken arm.
We had a girl come in earlier with a broken arm.
Yeah? [SOFTLY.]
Let's see - Alexandra Galvez? - Yes, that's her.
Have a seat.
We'll be with you in a minute.
All right.
[DING DONG.]
Hi, I'm Frank Gallagher, and, uh, that's Mo White.
- He's running for Congress.
- Hello.
And what is your name, if you don't mind my asking? Evelyn.
Evelyn Thomas.
Well, Evelyn, the reason we're here is that Mo is a proud South Sider, just like yourself.
He grew up two blocks from here, over on Halsted, in what is now a crack den.
Huh? And the point being, Evelyn, it's time for us to take pride in the South Side, and that starts with good people like you.
Sir, I don't give a rat's ass about the South Side.
I don't even have a damn job.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't either, which is why we need Mo White in office! - Right, Mo? - That's right.
Mo wants to bring the jobs back to the working people in the South Side, the people whose parents and grandparents built this city! Pride is what made the South Side safe and strong, and that all starts with one thing, which is what? A job.
A job.
Bingo.
Would you mind if we put a sign on your yard to show your support for Mo? Yeah, I guess that'd be okay.
Sure.
That's the South Side pride I'm talking about.
All right.
South Side pride.
- You bet.
- I like that.
- Yeah, okay.
- Okay.
Oh, sorry.
$10, please.
What? Uh, any contribution is gratefully welcome.
Uh, we suggest 10.
Uh, some people are doing $20.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
Thank you, Evelyn.
Whoa, whoa Who-o-o-o-o-oa Everything is better now No, I got it.
I got it.
Ooh Everything is better now Whoa-o-o-o-oa [TRANQUIL MUSIC.]
Are you awake? Sorry.
Hey, um, have you achieved enlightenment here before? I'm just I'm not really getting anything.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, uh, rough estimate, how long does it normally take? For Buddha, it took one night.
Well, that's not that bad.
After ages and lives of meditation.
Right, okay.
I don't have that kind of time.
I'm sorry.
Uh, namaste.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Hey.
Hey.
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah See what's going on Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah Feel it coming strong Hey, you okay? What the hell happened to you? Fell off the jungle gym.
Made it to the top, though.
Good job.
Does that hurt? - A little.
- Hi.
- Are you the father? - [LIP.]
Ah, no.
Uh, no, no, I'm the, uh, brother.
My dad's a drunk, and my mom disappeared.
Are you the guardian? No, not exactly.
Okay, well, we'll get her over to X-ray and set the arm.
- [LIP.]
Okay.
- And we can only release her to a parent or legal guardian.
Okay, sweetie.
Okay.
Right back this way.
Hey, V.
Shot of Jaeger? Hey, Carl.
No way.
What, I can die for our country but can't get a simple liquor - till I'm 21? - It's an incentive.
[VERONICA.]
You don't die, you get to drink.
But you're not gonna stay alive in the South Side for long if you keep carrying that little poodle around.
It's a Yorkie, and he has cancer.
Probably only a few days left to live.
- For the dog, not you.
- Thank you.
[VERONICA.]
Whatcha doing with a cancer dog, anyway? Community service.
Need it to get into - West Point.
- You're going to West Point? Want to, but it'll probably never happen.
Went to Congressman Ubberman's office, see if he could recommend me, but I couldn't even get an appointment.
Ubberman.
He's a congressman? You know him? White guy? Red face? - Sweaty? - Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
I'll be damned! Hey, babe, did you know that Wubby's a congressman? Seriously? When I was a dominatrix, he was one of my regulars.
Dude used to like me to whip him - and call him Wubby.
- And now he's a congressman.
Do you still whip him? Ah, I retired years ago.
Leather underwear is not too good for my lady parts.
Would you ever think about coming out of retirement? - Never.
- Even if it meant giving an underprivileged South Side kid a chance at achieving his dream? S&M is not like riding a bike, Carl.
You can't just strap on a pair of stilettos, pop a ball gag in someone's mouth, and start to whipping them.
That is not how you ride a bike.
I mean, that's okay.
Who's gonna let a poor South Side kid become an officer, anyway? I'll just enlist, embrace the suck, retire an old, disabled, sad alcoholic.
[CARL.]
Maybe they'll let me teach high school ROTC from my wheelchair if I'm lucky.
Come on, Bootsie.
I know you gotta eat.
Hello.
I'm afraid you just missed the Chabot morning service.
Oh, actually, I was just, uh, looking for some answers.
I'm the rabbi.
What's the question? If a religion or a movement makes the world a better place, does it matter if it goes in a different direction than originally intended? Well, you pretty much just summed up every religion.
A better question might be "What is God's will?" That's exactly what I want to know.
- Does God speak to you? - I pray to God, yeah, but in the Jewish faith, we believe that the five books of the Torah are the word of God.
Kind of like the Bible.
Mm, just the first part.
Yeah, I read it.
So God did speak to someone? To Moses, and Moses [CLICKS.]
wrote it down.
But he spoke to him, with words? Mm-hm, but only to Moses.
No one else, ever? Not with words.
He did set a bush on fire once.
What is it with religions and setting things on fire? [ENERGETIC ROCK MUSIC.]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Hey.
'Sup, nerd? Got a deal for you.
- Vikes? - What? No.
See that girl over there? Cracker Girl? What about her? She wants to kill me, so what I was thinking what if I help you get better grades? Like, with homework and stuff? For free? No, for protection from Cracker Girl.
I am failing the shit out of this class.
Okay, deal.
Name's Todd.
Liam.
Yes? Oh, wrong house.
Sorry.
Whoa, hold on a second.
Hold on a second.
Uh, you a Wyman supporter? I am.
Mo White.
And you are? Dee Sanders.
Well, Dee, it is a pleasure to meet you.
Look, I know Wyman is an African-American, but is that why you're voting for her? Absolutely.
I always do.
And that is terrific, unless you want your street repaved.
Look at these potholes, Dee.
Wyman's been in Congress for ten years.
[MO.]
You still have potholes.
We need to repair our infrastructure.
The South Side was the crown jewel of Chicago: Clean, safe parks where families and friends could picnic and unwind.
[MO.]
We were a community.
We looked out for each other.
We we were a family.
Now, it's a liquor store on every corner, graffiti on every sign.
Yeah, it's just sad.
[MO.]
My question to you is, will a Martin Luther King African Arts Center fix that? We could use that money to repave your street, clean our parks, make the South Side proud again, and that's why I'm running for Congress, Dee.
South Side pride.
And I'd really appreciate your vote, Dee.
South Side pride.
Help me make it happen.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
There'll be no doubt about it I'm Mo White.
- I'm running for Congress.
- [FRANK.]
Mo White! - Mo White.
- Mo White.
Mo White.
We'd like to put a sign in your yard.
Don't need to worry Now the good times are here - I'm running for Congress.
- Mo White.
Mo White.
You're not gonna find him on the ballot.
I don't just like you baby [MO.]
Look what we've got for you.
I love you Ah.
Want a hat, too? Yeah, yeah, yeah I love you Yeah, yeah, yeah - [MO.]
That looks good.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah I love you Ugh, too sexy.
That's nice.
Ah, think it's too casual.
God, that's boring.
Is that even mine? Ugh! [SIGHS.]
No.
No.
Fuck.
What the hell do you wear to a 7:00 business meeting at a hotel bar? - It's in a bar? - Uh-huh.
Where? Just gonna be you and Max, or will there be other people there? Yeah, it's me and Max at a bar, signing papers.
[FIONA.]
Super exciting.
Can I tag along? No.
[SCOFFS.]
It'll make me look weak if you're there.
Like, "Hi, I'm just a stupid woman.
I can't sign a document myself, so I brought along some dude.
" [TOP CLATTERS.]
- Some dude? - [FIONA.]
You know what I mean.
No, I don't know what you mean.
I don't know what the fuck we are.
[SCOFFS.]
So now you want a relationship? What the fuck? I was asking you how you feel about us normal question.
Why are we having this conversation now? Do you not trust me? I trust you.
I just [LAUGHS.]
I don't trust Whitford.
So you're jealous? Yeah, I'm fucking jealous.
Yeah.
You happy? I'm doing a business deal with Max.
We're going to communicate.
We're going to text.
We're gonna have meetings.
If that makes you jealous, I'm sorry.
But it doesn't mean that I'm gonna sleep with him.
What it does mean is that I need new fucking clothes.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
Unh You gotta put it on the line To make it stick Gotta tell them baby Ugh.
No way I'ma be able to get my post-baby feet in these.
Say what you wanna say Whew! I should put those in the dry cleaner.
Do your thing Hello, old friend.
Come on, don't stop Do your thing Yeah [WHIP CRACKS, GLASS SHATTERS.]
Unh [BRAD.]
Sorry, dude.
I got here as quick as I could.
Is she all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She got a broken arm, but she's fine.
Look, I need you to be her dad.
What? They'll only release her to a parent or a guardian, so I need you to pretend to be her dad.
- Also, you're a drunk.
- I'm not doing that.
Brad, come on, help me out here.
So you want me to impersonate her father? Yeah, and sign some paperwork, but I already filled out most of it.
Well, why can't you do it? I'm not old enough to be her dad, and plus, I already told them I was her brother.
So I'm your father, too? Yeah.
Father, stepfather, whatever.
I'm not old enough to be your father! Yeah, but you look old.
Dude, I'm married now.
Okay, I just got my shit together.
No way am I getting sucked into your weirdo Gallagher vortex.
What the fuck? Brad, please.
Look, if I don't get her out of here, they're gonna call DCFS.
You can't just walk into an emergency room - and pretend to be some kid's da - Shh! This is the universe telling you to do the right thing.
What if Xan was seriously hurt? You ever think about that? You're not her parent.
You wouldn't be able to help her.
- Look, Brad - Sorry, dude.
Brad.
Was that the father? Yeah.
There he goes.
Mr.
Reliable.
God, this feels good! We're doing important work here, Frank! South Side loves you.
We're doing great.
And I love the South Side.
You know, the least I could do is help these people remember what our neighborhood stands for, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
Mo White is back! - [ZAPPING SOUND.]
- Oh! Oh.
What happened? Uh, uh, nothing, nothing.
You sure? Yeah, yeah.
Everything's fine.
- [ZAPPING SOUND.]
- Oh! Oh, geez.
L-le-le-let's go this way.
What the hell is happening? Are you all right? Never better.
Never better.
Are you in pain? Mo, I'm your campaign manager.
If you've got a health condition, you gotta tell me about it.
I don't have a health condition! I just have to watch where I walk.
That's all.
Hey, is is, uh, is there a school nearby? Why? Ankle bracelet.
Whenever I get within 100 yards of a school, - I get this little shock.
- What? Why do you wear an ankle bracelet that shocks you when you get near a school? It was years ago.
She told me she was 18, but But? But what, Mo? - She wasn't.
- What? Look, we were in love.
We were together for five years.
She left me! On her 20th birthday.
Oh, so she was 15.
Frank, will you calm down? I paid my dues.
Well, then why do you have to wear a fucking ankle bracelet? It's only for another six months, until Until I'm off parole.
Huh? Frank, listen.
Don't give up on me.
These people huh? They need me.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
So please pardon the aftertaste I'm not gonna be your saving grace It's all a game till your heart breaks And you're picking up the pieces in empty space Hi.
My name is Tyrell.
What the hell is this? [KEV.]
This is a consent form.
From now on, any woman you want to harass has to give her written consent before you're allowed to bother her.
No woman's gonna sign this unless she's hammered.
She has to be sober.
I'm never, ever getting laid again.
Did you ever think you were? Also, The Alibi will no longer be serving any drink called Sex on the Beach.
It will only be known as "The Beach.
" What is this, Acapulco? Nobody drinks those.
Women do.
TV-wise, while we'll still be showing the White Sox games, we're gonna be introducing some alternative programming for the ladies.
- [CRAIG.]
Like what? - [TOMMY.]
Cooking shows? Ellen? This is Us.
Let's not get carried away, Kermit.
[KERMIT.]
What? [SOFT CHORAL MUSIC.]
Got it on eBay for $21.
Really? No.
That thing's, like, 300 years old.
You thinking about converting? What? You're wearing a yarmulke.
Ah, uh, y no.
Just, uh, looking around.
Well, let me know if you see anything you like.
Wait.
Do you know what God wants us to do next? - I have a pretty good idea.
- You do? How? Did God talk to you? No.
Someone's gotta have answers.
It's called the Bible.
Read it.
This stuff's been figured out since day one.
Day 39.
Whatever.
Whenever Eve ate that apple.
You really believe there was an Eve? Don't overthink it.
You want to know what God wants you to do? Start with the Ten Commandments.
They're commandments.
Okay.
[BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
Greetings, Mo White supporters.
Hey, Kev, couple of cold ones for your future congressman and his loyal campaign manager.
[MO.]
And two whiskey chasers, please.
Gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please.
[MO.]
The fact that you might want me - as your congressman again - [QUIETLY.]
Kev! [MO.]
That means a lot.
I would like to clear my existing tab, and here's a hundie for the next one.
Thank you, my good man.
Thank you, Frank.
And nobody understands the people of the South Side - better than Mo White.
- That's right.
- You want better jobs! - [ALL.]
Yeah.
- You want safer streets.
- [ALL.]
Yeah.
You want more affordable housing.
- [ALL.]
Yeah.
- Well, then, I humbly, humbly, ask for your vote.
Cheers.
- [CHEERS.]
- Another round! And, uh, you are? If I could just have you sign this right here.
[KEV.]
Thank you.
Consent form.
Here we go.
For the thousandth time, there was no way I could know that girl was only 15.
What? And my relationship with Heather is long behind me now.
[MO.]
And did you know that in China, the age of consent is 13? And that is a country on the rise.
Shit.
Okay, thank you, Mo.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
All right.
We will see you at the polls.
I remember this dude! They hiked the Appalachian Trail together.
Said he was helping her get a merit badge.
Mo left Congress to care for his dying wife.
Mo left Congress to bang a 15-year-old.
She said she was 18, and you should've seen her.
Look at this, you tell me this girl looks 15, huh? [TOMMY.]
Jesus! She looks like she's ten.
12, maybe.
Okay, okay.
Did Mo make a mistake? Yes, he did.
But he regrets it, and what's more important, he paid for it.
He went to jail.
He's been rehabilitated.
The system works.
I think what we all have to keep in mind here is that Mo's a great congressman, and before that, he was the best football coach that Robert E.
Lee High ever had, and do you know what's even more American than football? Second chances.
Hell, this whole country was built on second chances.
- [PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
- O.
J.
got one.
He blew it, but he got one.
Teddy Kennedy, the man you don't want behind the wheel if you need a ride to the other end of the bridge? Reelected seven times.
And admit it, we're all pulling for Tiger every time he walks on the course.
My point is, we all make mistakes.
Don't we all want a second chance? Man, I know I do.
And for the South Side, Mo White is that second chance.
[SLOW CLAPPING.]
You got my vote, Mo.
Mo White.
- Mo White! - Mo White! [MORE CHANTING.]
Mo White! Mo White! Mo White! Mo White! Mo White! Mo White! Mo White! Mo White! Another round! Let's go! [PATRONS CHEERING.]
[WOMAN.]
Oh, yeah! [LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry to bother you, Mr.
Congressman, but there's a, uh - Lenora.
- Lenora here to see you.
She says she has an appointment, but I don't have it on the calendar.
Congressman Ubberman will see you now.
Thank you so much.
[CURTAIN RINGS CLATTER.]
Hi, I'm Denise.
Are you Alexandra's guardian? - Um, yeah.
- Great.
Can I have your driver's license and insurance card, please? Um look, Denise, uh, technically, I'm not her legal guardian.
All right? But I'm I'm looking out for her until her mother gets back.
But you don't know when that's gonna be? No.
You know where she is, though? No.
Okay, I'm a social worker here at the hospital.
They sent me down here because they have concerns about Alexandra's household.
What does that mean? You say you're her brother, and then you're her guardian.
A man shows up and then leaves, and now you say you're taking care of her until her mother comes back, but she said her mother's not coming back.
Okay, I understand that that sounds We will sort all this out when DCFS gets here.
Right.
[SOFT GUITAR MUSIC.]
- You ready? - [LAUGHS.]
Wubby missed you so much.
It's been a while.
- What made you - No talking! Harder.
What did I just say? - Harder! - You want harder? - [WHAP.]
- Oh, my God! [ROCK MUSIC.]
There's a kid I want you to recommend to West Point.
Oh! Good kid.
Big heart.
Born to serve.
Ow! [PAINED EXHALATION.]
I already recommended someone! - [WUBBY.]
Oh! - Bitch, I'm not asking.
[WINCES.]
What's his name? Carl Gallagher.
Ah! [WHIMPERS.]
Maybe maybe I could, uh, un-recommend the other kid.
Maybe? [WUBBY.]
Oh! [WHAP.]
Yes! Yes! Yes! - [WHIP CRACKING.]
- Yes! Yes! Yes! [JAUNTY MUSIC.]
[SNAPS.]
You know where I'm goin' You know where I've gone When you show off a little I said, baby, please it's my time [AIR HISSING.]
[MONITOR BEEPING, FLATLINING.]
You are what I'm hoping [WHISPERING.]
Hey, Xan, Xan, Xan.
Come on with me, all right? [FLATLINE TONE.]
[NURSE.]
Code blue.
Code blue.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER, PA.]
Hey.
Oh, damn, girl! What you all dressed up for? I could ask you the same thing.
A story for another time.
I gotta look professional.
I got a meeting.
Oh, well, you look good.
Thank you.
It's H&M.
Gonna return the shit tomorrow.
Meeting with a man or a woman? Does it matter? I'd wear exactly the same thing, regardless.
So a man.
Look, I need this deal to happen, okay? If I look good, can't hurt.
[FIONA.]
It's called dress for success.
Preaching to the choir.
So, are there gonna be drinks at this meeting? No, no, we're just gonna sign some papers.
Uh, might have a little champagne to celebrate.
Oh, nice.
Where? At a hotel downtown.
Ford cool with that? [SIGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Fucking Ford.
He's acting weird.
Like, jealous.
Mm.
Wonder why.
Mm, it's not like that.
Then what's wrong? Why is he bringing this up now? I mean, suddenly, he wants to be in a relationship 'cause I got a meeting with a guy? Is the guy hot? Yeah, he's hot as fuck.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah, but the Why is it all on me? Why can't Ford and I just hang out? Why does it have to turn to some official thing? Because when it's not an official thing, people get hurt.
- Hey, what's up, Fiona? - Hi, Kev.
When people leave their options open, you can't trust each other.
When I started dating Kev, I was like, "You're my man, "I'm your girl, and if you're not happy with that, I'll kill you in your sleep.
" It's true.
What's that? I'm trying to make a logo or a symbol or something so I can put it in the window so women know that they're safe here.
- [FRANK.]
Hey, Kev.
- They're not.
I know.
That's why I'm doing a symbol, or a logo.
I need a quick beer and a bump.
This might be the hardest I have ever worked.
Where's your candidate? Kissing babies? I hope he's just kissing.
Disgusting pedophile.
Which is why there's no way in hell he's ever gonna win.
I just need him to shut up, or else people are gonna stop contributing to the campaign.
You are unbelievable.
You know me, daughter of my dreams.
I never stop thinking about tomorrow.
Kev.
Can I get a bump of Jamie, please? Hey, wasn't that Bill Clinton's campaign song? "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow"? That's what we need.
A campaign song.
Well Ugh! Democracy never sleeps.
Unless it's with a 15-year-old.
Hi.
Hey.
Not even gonna ask.
Totally forgot I was wearing it.
[SIGHS.]
How did you know for sure you were gay? 'Cause I was having sex with a man.
Why? I don't know.
I think I might be gay.
You're not gay.
How do you know? Where is this coming from? Is this 'cause - you're a welder now? - No.
I don't know.
I I've just been feeling ways that I've never felt before.
Have you had sex with another woman? Yeah.
I did, once.
It was a long time ago, but I let a woman I was babysitting for go down on me.
Really? Yeah.
Got a great tip.
- Did you return the favor? - No.
Yeah, you're not gay.
You're a pillow princess.
Have you been with a girl since? Yep.
I just made out with one in the bathroom.
Okay, well, that's a start.
What kind of porn do you like? I don't watch porn.
Bullshit.
Everyone watches porn.
- I'm at least bisexual.
- No.
You're not.
[SIGHS.]
Why do you keep telling me what I'm not? I thought Gay Jesus was all about love and acceptance.
Sorry.
Yeah, I don't know what we're about anymore.
The whole Gay Jesus thing has gotten completely out of hand.
I mean, people are doing crazy shit.
Apparently, now I'm the gay Che.
Lately, I'm just feeling like Hey, news flash: you're not Jesus, and you're not gay Che.
You're a bipolar Gallagher who doesn't take his meds.
So why don't you stop trying to save the world and save yourself? I don't know what I am anymore.
At least you know you're gay.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
[WUBBY.]
Lenora obviously thinks very highly of you.
Yes, sir.
So I know of no finer candidate for admittance to West Point than Carl Gallagher.
Damn right, you don't.
Ooh, ooh [ROCK MUSIC.]
Ooh, ooh This ain't no playground But it sure is a lot of fun If you want to get some Ooh, ooh Saturday, you could get wild It's Sunday, you can go to church Find your religion I see you floating Like you're looking for trouble But you can't seem to find it Your feet are smoking Take your goody-two-shoes off Throw 'em in the closet Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh So give me the sign I'll give you a good time And we can feel all right Till daylight What's on your mind We got sugar and wine So give me the sign I'll give you a good time It's a pretty fucking good apology.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
I've been drinking In the evening Because our bedroom has been freezing Better put my money on it