Shameless US s09e06 Episode Script
Face It, You're Gorgeous
1 Gah! Now? You want to know what happened last week now? Jesus, what are you, on drugs? Fuck, oh ow, okay.
I'll tell you what happened last week.
Call me a fucking lawyer, that's what happened last week! Okay? You got that? You're making a big mistake! You're looking at the future site of Sunset Brooks Senior Care, phase two.
Is this the thing Whitford sucked you into? Whitford didn't suck me into anything.
I invested in a limited partnership.
Ah, so you can only lose all your investment, - which was how much again? - $100,000.
Why do you have two phones? [SIGHS.]
It's for my mother.
It's an international phone.
Your mother's Patty? - Patricia, yeah.
- Bullshit.
You don't believe me? You want me to call her? [INGRID.]
Hey, looking for Vicodin? Always.
Undo this belt, and I'll I'll get it.
No, I don't think I should do that.
Oh, come on.
You think I could actually get out of here? - [RIPPING.]
- Oh, God! [GROANS.]
Say you're sorry, Timmy! Say you're sorry! [Rock music.]
[SCREAMS.]
[LAUGHS.]
I set fire to a van, and in doing so, I turned what I intended to be a movement of love into a movement of anger.
I was crazy to let it go as far as I did.
Truth is, I am bipolar.
I plead not guilty by reason of insanity.
- What? - [CROWD CLAMORING.]
- [JUDGE ABBASI.]
Order! Order! - [BANGS GAVEL.]
[CROWD SHOUTING.]
[rock music.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Hey.
What you doing up there? Putting away my stuff till I get back.
Hand me those bags.
You decide what you want to do today yet? I could call in sick from work.
Well, I don't think I want to do anything.
Ah, come on, we got to do something.
It's your last day of freedom.
Nah, I think I just want to hang at the house.
You heading into the shop today? I got a job as a sober companion for the next couple hours.
Hey, uh, how about we ride the El up to Wrigley when I get back? Beat the shit out of some Cubs fans? Yeah, I don't need more time added to my sentence.
What's a sober companion? I'm babysitting some rich lush, making sure they don't drink.
Anybody who can't stop drinking on his own is a pussy.
We could take you to a gay bar and get you laid.
Pretty sure I'll get laid a lot in prison.
Yo, what are we doing today? My new lady and I are supposed to go work out, but I could cancel it.
[DEBBIE.]
He doesn't want to do anything.
What? You don't want to steal a car, or drop bowling balls off a freeway? I'm good.
Liam, get your ass up.
Need help.
What's up, Frank? Met a woman.
Crazy as a loon, made my heart stir and my loins moist.
Ew.
She's on a 72-hour eval at the psych ward.
Her name is Ingrid Jones.
Want your opinion of her.
- Why me? - [FRANK.]
'Cause, you're the only little kid left who still needs a mommy.
Rest of them are already cooked.
Can't.
Gotta hang with Ian.
Seriously, guys, I'm good.
I just want to veg at the house, eat a shit-ton of White Castle for dinner.
I spent many a day in prison.
It's a walk in the park.
Three squares a day, lots of friends, free gym membership, and all the books you can read.
I suggest Ulysses.
Shall we? No, go.
Go.
[SIGHS.]
See you later, Taraji.
[Light rock music.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [FRANK.]
Liam! Hey, uh, how come you don't want to do anything? I'm about to spend the next two years of my life in fight-or-flight mode.
I just want one last day where I feel safe and relaxed.
Oh, okay.
Sure? Yep.
I guess I'll go to work then.
I'll be back for dinner, all right? - Yeah, see you at dinner.
- [LIP.]
Okay.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR SHUTS.]
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]
[FORD.]
Have you seen these inglenooks and these lead windows? Did you see the second bathroom? We could each have our own.
Dibs on the black-and-green-tile one.
What's the rent? It's $3,000 a month.
That's crazy.
- We can't afford that.
- Sure we can.
You're gonna get at least 1,000 bucks for renting your place, and I'll cover the rest.
No, then it'll feel like it's your apartment that I'm just tippy-toeing around in.
Well, you can rustle up an extra 500 bucks a month, then.
Maybe.
Come on, you're gonna be loaded off that senior center soon.
Can we look for something cheaper? This place has southern exposure.
I don't even know why that's a good thing.
It means this whole place will be shit-tons of sunny in the winter.
Can we think about it? I got a meeting with Max right now anyway.
We'll let you know.
Okay, um, sure.
I can't guarantee it'll still be available, though.
Come here.
Mm.
I thought we were ready to take this relationship to the next level.
I just didn't realize that would be so expensive.
Well, to get ahead in life, you have to push past your comfort zone.
Okay.
- Yeah? - Let's do it.
Great.
[Rock music.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[KELLY AND CARL GRUNTING.]
Ah! Ah! - [KELLY GRUNTS.]
- [CARL GRUNTS.]
- What are you guys doing? - Survival training.
Kelly has a black belt in krav maga.
She's teaching me some moves.
All right.
Survival training, huh? [SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Ooh! Ah! [SIGHS.]
- Hi.
- Hey.
[MAN ON TV SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
You know what, can you guys show me some moves? - Sure.
- Okay.
[INDISTINCT SPORTS ANNOUNCING OVER PHONE.]
Oh.
Go.
Go! - Hey, man.
- Hey.
Hey, man, thanks for covering for me.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
- Client's in the room now.
- Okay.
Hey, took an Ambien.
She'll probably be asleep till tonight.
Great, yeah.
She got a stockholders' meeting in the morning with Highland Cosmetics.
She's their keynote speaker, Jen Wagner.
If she shows up hammered, the company's gonna drop her as their spokesperson.
You're talking about Jen Wagner, the movie star chick? Yeah, that's the one.
Uh, I didn't know she was a boozer.
Everybody got their demons, right? - Yeah.
- [BARNEY.]
I should be back from dropping off my kid at camp around 5:00 to relieve you.
All right.
Yeah-yeah, I got you.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SIGHS.]
[SNIFFS.]
[BELLS RINGING, SIRENS WAILING ON TV.]
Why does Paw Patrol only have one girl? Shh, I'm trying to watch.
No job is too big.
No pup is too small.
[WHOOSH, CAT MEOWS ON TV.]
This cartoon is sexist.
V, when I watch with the girls, we don't criticize Ryder and his team.
We just laugh and enjoy it.
I've got something else you can enjoy.
[Upbeat electronic music.]
See ya, Paw Patrol.
Let's work off these donuts.
I ate a lot of crullers.
Mm-hmm.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Who is that? Probably a Gallagher.
Or a Jehovah.
I'll get rid of them.
Sister Frances.
- Good morning.
- Good mor Please, won't you come in? Good morning.
Have a have a seat.
Amy brought this in for show-and-tell today.
[BUZZING.]
That's weird.
I wonder where she got it from.
The children were supposed to bring in something that represents their parents' love for each other.
Most brought in hearts or pictures of their siblings.
Amy brought this.
[BUZZING.]
I'm so sorry.
It'll never happen again.
[BUZZING.]
- [CLICKING.]
- [BUZZING CONTINUES.]
It's double-click.
[CLICKS TWICE.]
In order for Amy to return back to school on Monday, Father D'Amico has requested that you come to his office today and speak with him.
You're gonna kick her out because of this? We would love to speak with the priest.
My wife and I just need to say our morning prayers, and then we'll meet you at the rectory.
I can take that Or you can keep it as a parting gift.
Thank you, Sister Frances, for coming.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, Fiona! - Hello.
- [GIL.]
Hi.
Everybody, this is Fiona.
This is Gil, Jessica, and Sandy.
- [FIONA.]
Hello.
- Hey, how's it going? - Hi.
- [MAX.]
Please, sit down.
So, what did the hearing board say about the Sunset Brook project? They denied our request on rezoning.
- Mm.
- What? Yeah, well, we expected that.
I did not expect that.
[JESSICA.]
What were they asking for? Traffic and environmental impact report? Oh, of course.
City's gonna try to force us to do street and sewer upgrades, plus, there was a gas station on that corner in the '20s, so they want to see what's underneath, and we gotta pay for it.
Usual bureaucratic bullshit.
So if they don't rezone, can the old age home still go in there? Of course.
It'll just take longer.
How much longer? A year or so, most likely.
[GIL.]
You know, I've been using Hilford and Carson to get reports on my Glendale project.
Sounds good to me.
How much are they? We can probably get all the reports done that we need for about $100,000, so 20 grand apiece.
[JESSICA.]
Hm.
You cool with PayPal? - [MAX.]
Of course.
- [GIL.]
I'll write you a check.
I don't think I have my checkbook with me.
Ah, just get it to me later today or tomorrow.
Sure, yeah.
[MAX.]
So it's probably time for us to talk about hiring a lawyer, too.
I can talk to this guy I know, put him on a retainer.
Um.
Should cost us about $5,000 each.
[JESSICA.]
Nice.
Yeah.
Great.
[DISTANT PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, look at that, someone got some pretty balloons! [MAN.]
The hell? You can't visit the mentally ill empty-handed.
Hey, Baxter, what's shaking? Frankie! - [FRANK.]
[SOFT CHUCKLE.]
Hey.
- Wow.
Long time.
That's because my Monica died.
- No.
- Yeah.
I am so sorry, buddy.
Thanks, but it's gonna be okay.
Got a new lady.
[BAXTER.]
Hey, good for you.
And by my calculations, she should be finishing up her 72 hours today.
So my son and I are just gonna hunker down until she gets released.
Wait, this is Liam? Yep.
[BAXTER.]
Wow.
Last time I saw you, you must have been two years old, just talking up a storm.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Hey, listen.
I remember your mom's face just always lit up every time she saw you when she got released from here.
Sure it wasn't the Thorazine? Hey, Baxter, could I get the, uh, remote? Yeah.
[REMOTE CLICKS.]
[EXHALES.]
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
Oh, hey.
Hi.
Hey, are you going somewhere? Who the hell are you? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm I'm Lip.
Um, Philip.
Covering for Barney for a couple hours.
Excuse me? Hey.
- Um, hi! - [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
[LIP.]
W [Rock music.]
Hey, I Ricka-ticka ting ding Whoo-hoo Whoo-hoo [SOFTLY.]
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Well you put it into our pack A ricka-ticka ting ding Now we gotta fight 'em all back Ricka-ticka ting ding Whoo-hoo Hi.
Thought I lost you.
Um.
Uh, hey, could you wait up? L I'm I'm supposed to To be with you.
My sober companion, yeah, I know, I got it.
I'm just going for a little walk.
I I'm the only one you need Oh I'm the only one you need Hey, you could slow down a little bit? You seem like a nice kid.
I just I just need some space, all right? Yeah, I'm not sure that's such a good idea.
Actually, it's a great idea.
See, this is like a mini-vacation for me.
- Mm-hm.
- Got no work, no husband, no screaming kids.
No one knows I'm in town, so I'm I'm anonymous here.
- Yeah, I'm - I just I just I need some alone time.
I'm concerned you might drink.
Don't be concerned, bunny.
Look, does that mean you are gonna drink, or you're not gonna drink? It means if I do drink, everything's gonna be okay.
You've got a meeting tomorrow.
Yeah, in like 20 hours.
Yeah, a lot can happen in that time.
A few drinks is not gonna kill me.
I I'll be back at the hotel by mid-afternoon.
I'll chug a gallon of Evian, I'll eat a pizza, hit the steam room, get a great night's sleep, and be as good as new for my meeting.
Really, it's no big whoop.
No one will know.
I will.
Aren't you a sweet Boy Scout? No [Rock music.]
Are you serious? The more when they make for less Ricka-ticka ting ding No fun without distress Oh ricka-ticka ting ding No way out [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
No more why Crank it high [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Hey, Barney.
Yeah, no, everything's good.
No, yeah, she's still sleeping.
[LIP.]
Okay.
Talk to you later.
Bye.
- [GRUNTS.]
Stop! - Oh, my God! Hey, look, I'm sorry.
Are you okay? - You gave me no choice.
- Get off me! Not until you promise you're not gonna drink.
Look, I'm not getting off you until you promise! - No! - This is my job! - To sit on top of me? - To make sure you don't drink! Oh, my God, I told you, it's no big deal.
Yes, it is.
All right? Don't fuck up this gig for me.
My brother's going to prison tomorrow.
I need the money for his commissary account.
Are you trying to play on my emotions? Is it working? No, because I don't have any! All right, well, then, suck it up until Barney gets back at 5:00, all right? He can deal with you.
What am I supposed to do if I'm not drinking? Just sit in the hotel room all day, watching SpectraVision? Uh, we could hang out here in the park.
It's a beautiful day out.
You are such a sap.
Look, just relax, all right? Enjoy, and take it one moment at a time, all right? Oh, jeez.
AA crap.
All right, fine.
We'll just hang out in this stupid park.
- All right.
- Okay.
Now I'm gonna get off you, but I swear, if you run, I will tackle the fuck out of you.
You are so dramatic.
Hey, look who's talking, commercial actress chick.
I'll have you know, I have done 17 films and 4 TV shows.
Whatever.
Hey! I'm just kidding, you little shit.
[SILVERWARE CLATTERING.]
What are you doing? Packing for our move.
I'm having second thoughts.
[KEYS DROP.]
We paid a deposit.
We'll just cancel the check.
[SCOFFS.]
We signed a lease.
The realtor won't care.
She said tons of people are interested, anyway.
What's this about? [SIGHS.]
To be honest, I smelled mold in there.
These old apartments, they got so much water damage, and mold is so bad for your lungs.
Hm.
And where's this coming from? I just think we can find something better and cheaper.
What's your excuse gonna be in the next apartment? Excuse me? You're not remotely serious about us getting a place together.
- That is not true.
- Bullshit.
I have a perfectly good apartment right here.
Which is too small for me to move any of my stuff into.
It's not the right time for me to be spending that kind of money.
Well, let me know when it is the right time, and maybe, I might still be around.
- [KEYS JINGLE.]
- Where are you going? To cancel a check and break a lease so God forbid, we don't have to fucking live together.
[Rock music.]
Yo, bitch.
My cell, now.
No way, Larry.
Ow.
See, wrong move.
You just got your throat slit.
- Ah! - [GRUNTS.]
- And now you're dead.
- Shit.
Dude, what the hell did we teach you? Your ass gonna get fucked up in prison.
Run it again.
My cell, bitch.
[CARL.]
You don't roll into the blade.
Use your left hand to grab her wrist with the knife.
[CARL.]
Grab her elbow, then throw.
- [GRUNTS.]
[GASPS.]
You good? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Yeah? Ian here? Who wants to know? My name's Antonio.
Joselito sent me.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm Ian.
Come in.
We talking Joselito from County? How's he doing? Jackass got extra 20 years.
Stabbed a guard.
That sucks.
Uh, is he still with Leo? Nah, they broke up after Leo got released.
That long-distance shit never works.
So what's going on? Joselito wanted me to give you an in-depth safety orientation about Beckman Correctional before they send you up.
[Rock music.]
[DISTANT SHOUTING.]
[MAN.]
[GIBBERING.]
Is that my Ingrid? [MAN.]
[GIBBERING.]
No, it's just some crazy dude.
What's so special about this chick we're waiting for, anyway? Well, son, it's a great gift in this life to know what you're good at.
And, uh, I'm good at crazy.
I'm a caretaker to it.
Makes me feel needed.
It's how I felt with your mother.
Plus, it's never boring.
Look at this.
What the hell is that? [LAUGHS.]
Monica.
I was asleep.
Decided she was gonna light me on fire, one body part at a time.
- Why? - [FRANK.]
Hard to say with a crazy person.
That's the thrill.
You never know what you're gonna get, moment to moment.
Thankfully, she passed out before she could torch the rest of my body.
I'd given up trying to find excitement like that again, till now.
I'm gonna get some more of those, um, fudge stripes, and then I'll tell you about the time Monica shattered my kneecap with a pool cue.
It was the best sex of my life.
[JEN.]
That cloud up there looks like a martini glass.
Nah, it's clearly a beer funnel.
When did you start drinking? Nine? Maybe earlier.
I was 12.
We had a beer keg tapped in our backyard at all times.
Grow up in a fraternity? You ever try and stop? Course.
Life's hard.
Booze is my only escape.
Why'd you hire a sober companion, then? I didn't.
Highland Cosmetics did after the incident, where we're doing this Christmas commercial in the fall, and I was riding a horse through Central Park, and I fell off.
Drunk? - I was plastered.
- [LAUGHS.]
Course, the horse got spooked and took off, and guess what I did? - [SCOFFS.]
- Start chasing after him.
- Sure.
- I was wearing high heels and this snow angel thing.
Yeah.
I almost caught it, and I promise you, - I could've, had I not puked.
- Sure.
I'm surprised you didn't see it.
It was all over the Internet.
You didn't see the gif? - No.
- The [IMITATES VOMITING.]
Aw, man.
Oh.
Let's go get some lunch.
I'm fucking starving.
Sure, yeah.
[CAR BEEPS.]
Hey, Max.
You got a second? Yeah, what's up? Late for a thing.
- I need to get out of our deal.
- What? Another opportunity came up, and I'm short on cash.
What other opportunity? Is it something I want to invest in? I'm not allowed to say, but I gotta act fast.
Are you kidding me? You bullied your way onto my project, and I can't get in on yours? I'm sorry.
My hands are tied.
So how can I get my money out of the Sunset Brook project? You can't.
I mean, it's been invested.
And the paperwork's already been filed on the partnership, so Well, I wasn't expecting a 12-month delay on the senior center.
None of us were.
So what's the other thing? You getting a better return? Is that, uh Is that why you want to bail? Something like that.
Jesus.
You know, I thought we had a good business thing going here.
I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
- See how you are, Gallagher.
- [SOFT LAUGH.]
All right, don't forget my 25K.
[ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
So we have a little sex toy obsession, do we? Obsession? No, no, I would I wouldn't say that at all.
It's actually the only sex toy we have, Father.
Well, I'm sure you would both agree that exposing Amy to this kind of depravity is not in her best interest.
With all due respect, Father, we're not exposing our daughter to any depravity.
[FATHER D'AMICO.]
Need I remind you that your daughter brought a massive, veiny, vibrating dildo into preschool? Now, you may be asking yourselves how a pious man like myself could have such carnal knowledge of sexual fetishes and addictions.
Yeah, no, we weren't asking that.
I'm actually kind of curious.
Yeah? Well, prior to serving God, I was in the United States Navy.
You have no idea what loneliness is until you're trapped out at sea, away from home for months at a time.
I was at a low point in my life as our ship pulled into Subic Bay.
Little did I know that my life was about to spiral downward.
As we disembarked from our ship, my fellow seamen and I were greeted by the warm smiles of the Subic Bay women.
Let me tell you, a hug from a Subic Bay woman can take away all your loneliness, especially from one woman, named Ming-hang.
Of course, I had to pay for her companionship, but what's a few pesos when you're treated like a king for an hour? Or in my case, a few hours, which turned into days, which turned into weeks, and then, eventually, my going AWOL, and being served a military warrant for my arrest.
Is this $22 for a grilled cheese? Who cares? Get what you want.
I'm gonna splurge and get the Cobb salad.
Final answer.
Oh, salad's splurging? It has creamy dressing.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh.
So what qualifies you to be a sober companion? I don't know, really.
I mean, I've never done it before.
Um.
Barney trusts me, I guess, and I know how a drunk thinks.
Here we go.
Virgin Bloody Mary.
Are you positive it's virgin? It's absolutely, 100%, a virgin.
Uh, and Coke for the gentleman.
[FRED.]
Let me put this tray down.
I'll be right back to take your order.
Kay.
This is, like, an entire salad - on my glass.
- [LIP.]
Oh, yeah.
Guess they have to make up for it being a virgin.
Oh, my God.
Hey, you told Fred the waiter that a virgin meant to make it a double when I was in the bathroom.
Fuck, I miss Barney.
Sh Jesus Christ.
[FATHER D'AMICO.]
Anyway, at first, Ming-hang and I just talked and made love.
Then she introduced me to something called the Hot Carl.
Do you know what the Hot Carl is? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We got it.
[FATHER D'AMICO.]
That quickly led to the Dirty Sanchez, and then the gorilla mask.
It got to the point where I couldn't orgasm unless I was doing the Alabama Hot Pocket.
[Rock music.]
Oh, that's when you defecate Nope, Father.
Too far.
Oh, you're gonna stop him now? Anyway, the next time you reach for that dildo, or that butt plug, or that ball gag, you remember me, an innocent seaman just trying to serve his country while getting choked out to the point of asphyxiation by a Subic Bay woman named [INHALES.]
Ming-hang.
Father, our penance.
Oh, yes, right.
Um, say four Hail Marys and six Our Fathers.
Thank you.
[SUCTION POPS.]
Okay.
- I just need your license.
- Sure.
Thank you.
I see that you already have two mortgage loans with us.
Yes.
How long would it take to get more money against my property? - How much were you looking for? - $25,000.
Well, we would have to start the whole approval process again and run a new credit check.
We would need copies of your tax returns for the last two years, pay stubs for the last three months.
Then we'll review all of your bank statements, just to ensure that you can complete the payments.
After we have everything we need, it usually takes the underwriter about six weeks to approve.
Six weeks? I need the money immediately.
Well, there is an expedited procedure, but that will cost you 10%.
- How expedited? - Ten days.
Do you want to start the application process? Yes.
[VACUUM CLEANER HUMMING.]
Okay.
So this is the layout of Beckman Correctional, all right? This is the area you want to avoid.
Anything on the west side, the showers, this side of the yard, and these cells.
That is a lot of area I'm avoiding.
You'll thank me later.
All the inmates over here are murderers.
Murderer, murderer, murderer.
Jesus.
So this is the primo area at Beckman.
All right? I'm talking about Disney compared to that shit over there.
So over here, you'll get your good weed, your coke, your smoke, and your Snicker bars.
Anything you need.
Assume that anything you get from the west is gonna be laced with some shit - that's gonna fucking kill you.
- Got it.
Now, back in Disney, is where you'll find the guys that give the best blowies.
All right? There's Ralphie.
Clean, quick, easy.
Old Man Stewie? He's good.
The Senator.
Oh, and Sasquatch.
I don't know if he's still there.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Big Pete, Medium Pete.
- All good.
- [DOOR SHUTS.]
- Okay.
- [FIONA.]
Hi.
Anybody got any cash? I need $25,000.
What? For what? I gotta put more money into this investment that I made.
What investment? I put $100,000 into a parking lot that's gonna be [BOTH.]
You got 100 grand? No, the the bank gave me a line of credit against my apartment building.
That's just dumb.
Don't pay it back.
No, then they'll take the building.
You could try to sell something.
What about your car? It's a lease.
I can do you a solid.
Who are you? [IAN.]
Antonio.
He's a friend.
[ANTONIO.]
Pleasure.
I know some guys that know some guys, get you 25 grand, take a cut.
I'm good.
I think I figured it out.
Thanks.
Don't forget, I'm driving you to prison in the morning.
- Okay.
- [KEYS JINGLE.]
Why is my sobriety so important to you anyway? It's not.
My sobriety is important to me.
That makes no sense.
Look, if I help you stay sober, it helps me stay sober.
So narcissistic.
[SCOFFS.]
What if I let you touch these? This is Highland.
This is Cosmetics.
It's nice to meet you, ladies, but I'm I'm not interested.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- Shit.
- What? Barney's gonna be a couple hours late.
Are you kidding me? Look, um, I've got my brother's last dinner, all right? So your ass is coming with me.
Fuck that.
I am going to the bar.
Jesus.
[MUFFLED CLUB MUSIC PLAYING.]
Two Flaming Dr.
Peppers, please.
You got it.
What are you doing? Ordering us cocktails.
Hey, she doesn't want those.
Yes, she does.
Well, I'm not gonna let you do this.
You're such a buzzkill.
It's only alcohol.
Stop giving it so much power.
It's like flavored water, for God's sake.
Booyah! That's what I'm talking about.
Thank you.
Here you go.
Come on, take it, you wuss.
Hm.
Please don't drink that.
Douche-canoe, I'm a grown-ass woman.
If I want to drink it, I'm gonna drink it.
Hey, everybody, look, it's Jen Wagner, right here! Look! Hi.
Hi.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
- [EXCITED CHATTER.]
[QUIETLY.]
You asshole.
Hi.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
I don't think you're gonna qualify.
What? Uh, yeah, you don't have enough revenue to carry a third loan.
Do you have any additional assets, bonds, stocks? No.
Sorry.
I can go ahead and push this expedited application through and we'll see what the underwriter says, but I don't think you're gonna get approved.
[SIGHS.]
Ah.
[KEV.]
You think this stuff makes us depraved? Fuck, no.
Yeah, but the priest said that we're Well, it's his job, Kev, to make us feel like shit about having a healthy sex life because he can't anymore.
When is the last time we used any of this stuff, anyway? Like this butt plug? Watching the White Sox double-header.
Oh, yeah.
The rain delay.
We just need to be more careful with the girls around.
I don't want them walking in on us using any of this anytime soon.
It'll probably just fall out, anyway.
Excuse me? Of me.
It'll fall out of me.
Let's just throw it all out.
Hell, no.
We're gonna have a ceremony, a proper good-bye.
Hey, Fiona, can you take the Sprite off this check for me, please? Um, just, um, comp the whole thing.
[Downbeat rock music.]
Fuck.
- Knock, knock.
- What? Sorry to interrupt, boss.
It's Linus' birthday.
We're gonna have a few drinks later if you want to join.
Sure.
Okay.
[INGRID.]
[SIGHS.]
Is that her? Stay here.
I'll go get your medications.
Yeah, okay.
[BAXTER.]
Hey, hey.
Looking good, Dr.
Jones.
Thanks, Baxter.
Uh, Dr.
Jones? Dr.
Ingrid Jones? That's her? Yes? We met the other day in the ER.
You lured me in with Vicodin? Bitch-slapped me, called me Timmy? You kissed me on behalf of Sarah Beth? You must have the wrong person.
Baxter, tell Randy I'll be in my car.
Oh, but uh Um She was so different the other day.
We really had a connection.
She's so normal now.
Well, they're always that way when they get released from here, Frank.
You know that.
I guess it's been a while.
That man she was with, Randy? Yeah, her ex-husband.
Good to know.
W-w-what do you think? [LIAM.]
I don't know.
Looks like she could shatter your kneecap.
She really does, doesn't she? Come on.
- [MAN.]
That's some bullshit! - Where's my shit, motherfucker? You didn't tell me we were having dinner in the ghetto.
Hey, you had me running around the city all day.
Least you could do is hang here until Barney comes to pick you up.
[SCOFFS.]
Hope I don't get mugged in the meantime.
Hurry up.
You're gonna be late for your gang initiation.
[Rock music.]
- There she is.
- [ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
- [LIAM.]
They're leaving.
- Shit.
What? Frank, what about me? Uh, take the, uh, number 16 bus.
[IAN.]
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, I have a better one.
So Carl's, like, five or six years old, right? [CARL.]
Enough with these Carl stories.
- Hey, let me get that.
- No way.
I want more.
Me too.
Wow, looks like you're the one going to prison.
Mm, this is amazing.
I can't believe you've never had White Castle before.
I only eat carrots, and then I throw them up.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Come on, tell the story.
All right, so he's five or six years old Wait-wait-wait, is this the penis or the cat story? - Penis.
- [CARL.]
Shit.
[IAN.]
And he thought pee was stored in his scrotum.
- [KELLY.]
No.
- But he called it his - [BOTH.]
Bubble gum.
- Yeah.
'Cause it looks like bubble gum.
He took a screwdriver - [BOTH.]
No! - Yeah.
Yep.
- Is that what that scar is? - Uh-huh.
Well, and why the hell'd you do that? I thought I'd save some time, bypass the penis.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Creative.
See? I'm a genius.
Yeah, you're a genius.
Did pee come out? It smelled like pee.
- [JEN.]
Oh, God.
- What a genius.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
I got stuck on the El for 20 minutes.
- Nice.
- Hey, what's going on, Deb? [DEBBIE.]
Ooh.
Yes.
- [LIP.]
Was it two? - [CARL.]
Was it? Why is that chick from those makeup commercials having dinner with us? Oh, shit, that's you.
- Mm.
- Hey, she's also done 17 movies and 4 TV shows.
And nominated for three Golden Globes - and a People's Choice Award.
- [BOTH.]
Whoa.
You're famous.
You make a lot of money doing those commercials, huh? Hey.
What? Say the line.
- No.
- [LIP.]
Oh, you guys, come on, come on, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Face it.
You're gorgeous.
Wow.
[LIP.]
Whoo, whoo! Nice.
Okay, now the Carl cat story.
- Debs, you take this one.
- [CARL.]
Shit.
[Upbeat electronic music.]
[WOMAN.]
Just enjoy your life Just enjoy your life [WOMAN.]
Hey, turn off the music! [ALL.]
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Dear Linus Happy birthday to you [ALL.]
Whoo! Yeah! Ugh, I ate more tonight than I've eaten in a month.
Hey, uh, you realize you haven't talked about having a drink since you've been here? I guess I felt comfortable.
Plus, I can't drink after 7:00 anyway, because everyone's gonna smell it on me at my meeting tomorrow morning.
Aye.
[IAN.]
How's my shiv looking? Mm, sharper.
That thing can't puncture flesh.
E see, look at mine.
Mm? [IAN.]
Oh, wow.
Take that, you rape-y pillow.
Uh, can I give my two cents about prison? Sure.
Find a hobby.
Makes the time go so much faster.
Oh, papier-mâché's good.
Easy to do with toilet paper, glue, and water.
You learn that from one of your movies? Bitch, please.
I served time.
48 hours for DUI.
Oh, I didn't know I was in the company of such a badass.
Maybe I should go to prison, too.
Seems like the only way I'll find a real relationship.
That's not true.
It is.
I'm unlucky in love.
Men, women Hey, you're a special woman.
You don't want just anyone.
No, you you want somebody who gets you.
I played a lesbian once in a movie.
- Whoa.
- Wow.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [ALL.]
Face it, you're gorgeous! [LAUGHS.]
If I don't come up with 25 grand I'm gonna be in default on my partnership agreement and lose my $100,000 investment.
I got my car repo-d this week.
And I'll have to foreclose on my apartment building, and my credit will just be ruined.
My mom and I are getting kicked out of our Section 8 housing.
That sucks.
[DISTANT TRAIN HORN.]
I'm sorry.
[SPLASH.]
[SPLASH.]
What was that? Looked like a dick.
[DISTANT TRAIN HORN.]
[SPLASHING.]
Huh.
Bye-bye, hot pink anal beads.
We never really used them, anyway.
I did.
When you were visiting your mother.
You did? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, yeah.
I was so stressed that night.
I thought I lost one inside me.
I couldn't remember if I started out with five or six beads.
[SIGHS.]
Good riddance.
[SPLASH.]
Someone is up there, throwing stuff.
No.
[LAUGHS.]
I I can't.
I I I have a boyfriend.
Oh, and I I lied to him, and he's really mad at me.
[SIGHS.]
I might've fucked the whole thing up.
I have to apologize.
[DOOR CLOSES, CAR ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
[ENGINE REVS.]
[easygoing music.]
[GROANS.]
Hey.
For your commissary account.
I'll pay you back.
No, you won't.
[DISTANT DOG BARKING.]
[energetic rock music.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[KNOCKING.]
Are you stalking me? Do I need to call the police? I know it was you.
I was having a bad day.
My medications were off.
Wasn't the real me.
I think it was the real you, and I loved it.
[LAUGHS.]
What? You don't have anything to be ashamed of.
You are fantastic.
I wish I were normal.
Why? I-I don't really like that part of me.
I do.
I'm moving on [SIGHS.]
Heading my way, Columbia Hi, it's me.
I'm moving on I'm sorry about our stupid fight.
I'm moving on [SIGHS.]
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
When the tables finally turn I'm gonna be You Your lesson learned Hi, it's me.
You didn't come home.
Call me.
Oh.
I'm rolling down the tracks [SIGHS.]
Oh, I can't Well, I'll be all right I'll be just fine I'm a heartbreaker, baby I'm one of a kind [MUSIC STOPS.]
[DISTANT HORN HONKS.]
[TIRES GRIND.]
[DOORBELL CHIMES.]
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Hi.
Is Ford here? Do you know what time it is? [FORD.]
What's going on? Fiona.
[SIGHS.]
I got this, Patty.
Patty.
You s You said Patty was your mother.
I'm his wife.
[FORDIE.]
Daddy [PATTY SIGHS.]
I can't sleep.
Oh, come on, sweetheart.
Let's go back to bed.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Fiona I'm such a fucking idiot.
Fiona, wait.
Patty and I are separated.
That didn't look separated to me.
We're getting a divorce.
Why wouldn't you just tell me that you're married? We stayed together for the kid.
Oh.
Holy shit, you're a fucking asshole.
Fiona, just listen to me.
Fiona.
Can't believe this Fiona, listen to me for a second.
This is fucking take your fucking hand off my car.
Don't do this, Fiona.
- Take your fucking hand - No way! Fucking no! Take your fucking hands off my car! Fiona! Fiona! [CRYING.]
[disquieting rock music.]
[FORD.]
Fiona! Fiona! Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.
- Relax, relax.
- Fu-fuck.
She's bleeding.
She's fucking bleeding.
Oh, fuck - Fiona - Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
Fiona! [PANTING.]
You sure she said she was gonna drive you? Yep.
Still going to voice mail.
How about Uncle Kev drives you? I'll go get my truck.
Thanks, man.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[tender string music.]
All right.
I, uh thought Geneva and some of the others would be here, but [SIGHS.]
You can only count on family, dude.
I'm gonna miss you.
Don't get too raped in there, all right? - Kevin! - I'm sorry.
I don't know what to say in these situations.
How about "Bye" and "I love you"? B-bye, man.
I love you.
I love you guys, too.
Hey, uh Thanks for being my brother.
Uh, never had a choice.
All right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
See you guys.
[MAN.]
Have a good one.
[MAN.]
See ya.
[MAN.]
Open up! [DOOR BUZZES, OPENS.]
[MAN.]
Let's go.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER, JEERING.]
Knock it off.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
[DISTANT INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I rolled on the cartel I was working for, and in exchange, guess who gets to pick where he gets locked up? Holy fuck.
Oh, hey, I got bottom, so you're on top.
[Smooth music.]
Yeah, yeah, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah That's the way every day goes Every time we've no control If the sky is pink and white If the ground is black and yellow It's the same way you show me Glory from above Regard my dear It's all downhill from here
I'll tell you what happened last week.
Call me a fucking lawyer, that's what happened last week! Okay? You got that? You're making a big mistake! You're looking at the future site of Sunset Brooks Senior Care, phase two.
Is this the thing Whitford sucked you into? Whitford didn't suck me into anything.
I invested in a limited partnership.
Ah, so you can only lose all your investment, - which was how much again? - $100,000.
Why do you have two phones? [SIGHS.]
It's for my mother.
It's an international phone.
Your mother's Patty? - Patricia, yeah.
- Bullshit.
You don't believe me? You want me to call her? [INGRID.]
Hey, looking for Vicodin? Always.
Undo this belt, and I'll I'll get it.
No, I don't think I should do that.
Oh, come on.
You think I could actually get out of here? - [RIPPING.]
- Oh, God! [GROANS.]
Say you're sorry, Timmy! Say you're sorry! [Rock music.]
[SCREAMS.]
[LAUGHS.]
I set fire to a van, and in doing so, I turned what I intended to be a movement of love into a movement of anger.
I was crazy to let it go as far as I did.
Truth is, I am bipolar.
I plead not guilty by reason of insanity.
- What? - [CROWD CLAMORING.]
- [JUDGE ABBASI.]
Order! Order! - [BANGS GAVEL.]
[CROWD SHOUTING.]
[rock music.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Hey.
What you doing up there? Putting away my stuff till I get back.
Hand me those bags.
You decide what you want to do today yet? I could call in sick from work.
Well, I don't think I want to do anything.
Ah, come on, we got to do something.
It's your last day of freedom.
Nah, I think I just want to hang at the house.
You heading into the shop today? I got a job as a sober companion for the next couple hours.
Hey, uh, how about we ride the El up to Wrigley when I get back? Beat the shit out of some Cubs fans? Yeah, I don't need more time added to my sentence.
What's a sober companion? I'm babysitting some rich lush, making sure they don't drink.
Anybody who can't stop drinking on his own is a pussy.
We could take you to a gay bar and get you laid.
Pretty sure I'll get laid a lot in prison.
Yo, what are we doing today? My new lady and I are supposed to go work out, but I could cancel it.
[DEBBIE.]
He doesn't want to do anything.
What? You don't want to steal a car, or drop bowling balls off a freeway? I'm good.
Liam, get your ass up.
Need help.
What's up, Frank? Met a woman.
Crazy as a loon, made my heart stir and my loins moist.
Ew.
She's on a 72-hour eval at the psych ward.
Her name is Ingrid Jones.
Want your opinion of her.
- Why me? - [FRANK.]
'Cause, you're the only little kid left who still needs a mommy.
Rest of them are already cooked.
Can't.
Gotta hang with Ian.
Seriously, guys, I'm good.
I just want to veg at the house, eat a shit-ton of White Castle for dinner.
I spent many a day in prison.
It's a walk in the park.
Three squares a day, lots of friends, free gym membership, and all the books you can read.
I suggest Ulysses.
Shall we? No, go.
Go.
[SIGHS.]
See you later, Taraji.
[Light rock music.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [FRANK.]
Liam! Hey, uh, how come you don't want to do anything? I'm about to spend the next two years of my life in fight-or-flight mode.
I just want one last day where I feel safe and relaxed.
Oh, okay.
Sure? Yep.
I guess I'll go to work then.
I'll be back for dinner, all right? - Yeah, see you at dinner.
- [LIP.]
Okay.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR SHUTS.]
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]
[FORD.]
Have you seen these inglenooks and these lead windows? Did you see the second bathroom? We could each have our own.
Dibs on the black-and-green-tile one.
What's the rent? It's $3,000 a month.
That's crazy.
- We can't afford that.
- Sure we can.
You're gonna get at least 1,000 bucks for renting your place, and I'll cover the rest.
No, then it'll feel like it's your apartment that I'm just tippy-toeing around in.
Well, you can rustle up an extra 500 bucks a month, then.
Maybe.
Come on, you're gonna be loaded off that senior center soon.
Can we look for something cheaper? This place has southern exposure.
I don't even know why that's a good thing.
It means this whole place will be shit-tons of sunny in the winter.
Can we think about it? I got a meeting with Max right now anyway.
We'll let you know.
Okay, um, sure.
I can't guarantee it'll still be available, though.
Come here.
Mm.
I thought we were ready to take this relationship to the next level.
I just didn't realize that would be so expensive.
Well, to get ahead in life, you have to push past your comfort zone.
Okay.
- Yeah? - Let's do it.
Great.
[Rock music.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[KELLY AND CARL GRUNTING.]
Ah! Ah! - [KELLY GRUNTS.]
- [CARL GRUNTS.]
- What are you guys doing? - Survival training.
Kelly has a black belt in krav maga.
She's teaching me some moves.
All right.
Survival training, huh? [SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Ooh! Ah! [SIGHS.]
- Hi.
- Hey.
[MAN ON TV SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
You know what, can you guys show me some moves? - Sure.
- Okay.
[INDISTINCT SPORTS ANNOUNCING OVER PHONE.]
Oh.
Go.
Go! - Hey, man.
- Hey.
Hey, man, thanks for covering for me.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
- Client's in the room now.
- Okay.
Hey, took an Ambien.
She'll probably be asleep till tonight.
Great, yeah.
She got a stockholders' meeting in the morning with Highland Cosmetics.
She's their keynote speaker, Jen Wagner.
If she shows up hammered, the company's gonna drop her as their spokesperson.
You're talking about Jen Wagner, the movie star chick? Yeah, that's the one.
Uh, I didn't know she was a boozer.
Everybody got their demons, right? - Yeah.
- [BARNEY.]
I should be back from dropping off my kid at camp around 5:00 to relieve you.
All right.
Yeah-yeah, I got you.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SIGHS.]
[SNIFFS.]
[BELLS RINGING, SIRENS WAILING ON TV.]
Why does Paw Patrol only have one girl? Shh, I'm trying to watch.
No job is too big.
No pup is too small.
[WHOOSH, CAT MEOWS ON TV.]
This cartoon is sexist.
V, when I watch with the girls, we don't criticize Ryder and his team.
We just laugh and enjoy it.
I've got something else you can enjoy.
[Upbeat electronic music.]
See ya, Paw Patrol.
Let's work off these donuts.
I ate a lot of crullers.
Mm-hmm.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Who is that? Probably a Gallagher.
Or a Jehovah.
I'll get rid of them.
Sister Frances.
- Good morning.
- Good mor Please, won't you come in? Good morning.
Have a have a seat.
Amy brought this in for show-and-tell today.
[BUZZING.]
That's weird.
I wonder where she got it from.
The children were supposed to bring in something that represents their parents' love for each other.
Most brought in hearts or pictures of their siblings.
Amy brought this.
[BUZZING.]
I'm so sorry.
It'll never happen again.
[BUZZING.]
- [CLICKING.]
- [BUZZING CONTINUES.]
It's double-click.
[CLICKS TWICE.]
In order for Amy to return back to school on Monday, Father D'Amico has requested that you come to his office today and speak with him.
You're gonna kick her out because of this? We would love to speak with the priest.
My wife and I just need to say our morning prayers, and then we'll meet you at the rectory.
I can take that Or you can keep it as a parting gift.
Thank you, Sister Frances, for coming.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, Fiona! - Hello.
- [GIL.]
Hi.
Everybody, this is Fiona.
This is Gil, Jessica, and Sandy.
- [FIONA.]
Hello.
- Hey, how's it going? - Hi.
- [MAX.]
Please, sit down.
So, what did the hearing board say about the Sunset Brook project? They denied our request on rezoning.
- Mm.
- What? Yeah, well, we expected that.
I did not expect that.
[JESSICA.]
What were they asking for? Traffic and environmental impact report? Oh, of course.
City's gonna try to force us to do street and sewer upgrades, plus, there was a gas station on that corner in the '20s, so they want to see what's underneath, and we gotta pay for it.
Usual bureaucratic bullshit.
So if they don't rezone, can the old age home still go in there? Of course.
It'll just take longer.
How much longer? A year or so, most likely.
[GIL.]
You know, I've been using Hilford and Carson to get reports on my Glendale project.
Sounds good to me.
How much are they? We can probably get all the reports done that we need for about $100,000, so 20 grand apiece.
[JESSICA.]
Hm.
You cool with PayPal? - [MAX.]
Of course.
- [GIL.]
I'll write you a check.
I don't think I have my checkbook with me.
Ah, just get it to me later today or tomorrow.
Sure, yeah.
[MAX.]
So it's probably time for us to talk about hiring a lawyer, too.
I can talk to this guy I know, put him on a retainer.
Um.
Should cost us about $5,000 each.
[JESSICA.]
Nice.
Yeah.
Great.
[DISTANT PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, look at that, someone got some pretty balloons! [MAN.]
The hell? You can't visit the mentally ill empty-handed.
Hey, Baxter, what's shaking? Frankie! - [FRANK.]
[SOFT CHUCKLE.]
Hey.
- Wow.
Long time.
That's because my Monica died.
- No.
- Yeah.
I am so sorry, buddy.
Thanks, but it's gonna be okay.
Got a new lady.
[BAXTER.]
Hey, good for you.
And by my calculations, she should be finishing up her 72 hours today.
So my son and I are just gonna hunker down until she gets released.
Wait, this is Liam? Yep.
[BAXTER.]
Wow.
Last time I saw you, you must have been two years old, just talking up a storm.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Hey, listen.
I remember your mom's face just always lit up every time she saw you when she got released from here.
Sure it wasn't the Thorazine? Hey, Baxter, could I get the, uh, remote? Yeah.
[REMOTE CLICKS.]
[EXHALES.]
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
Oh, hey.
Hi.
Hey, are you going somewhere? Who the hell are you? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm I'm Lip.
Um, Philip.
Covering for Barney for a couple hours.
Excuse me? Hey.
- Um, hi! - [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
[LIP.]
W [Rock music.]
Hey, I Ricka-ticka ting ding Whoo-hoo Whoo-hoo [SOFTLY.]
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Well you put it into our pack A ricka-ticka ting ding Now we gotta fight 'em all back Ricka-ticka ting ding Whoo-hoo Hi.
Thought I lost you.
Um.
Uh, hey, could you wait up? L I'm I'm supposed to To be with you.
My sober companion, yeah, I know, I got it.
I'm just going for a little walk.
I I'm the only one you need Oh I'm the only one you need Hey, you could slow down a little bit? You seem like a nice kid.
I just I just need some space, all right? Yeah, I'm not sure that's such a good idea.
Actually, it's a great idea.
See, this is like a mini-vacation for me.
- Mm-hm.
- Got no work, no husband, no screaming kids.
No one knows I'm in town, so I'm I'm anonymous here.
- Yeah, I'm - I just I just I need some alone time.
I'm concerned you might drink.
Don't be concerned, bunny.
Look, does that mean you are gonna drink, or you're not gonna drink? It means if I do drink, everything's gonna be okay.
You've got a meeting tomorrow.
Yeah, in like 20 hours.
Yeah, a lot can happen in that time.
A few drinks is not gonna kill me.
I I'll be back at the hotel by mid-afternoon.
I'll chug a gallon of Evian, I'll eat a pizza, hit the steam room, get a great night's sleep, and be as good as new for my meeting.
Really, it's no big whoop.
No one will know.
I will.
Aren't you a sweet Boy Scout? No [Rock music.]
Are you serious? The more when they make for less Ricka-ticka ting ding No fun without distress Oh ricka-ticka ting ding No way out [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
No more why Crank it high [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Hey, Barney.
Yeah, no, everything's good.
No, yeah, she's still sleeping.
[LIP.]
Okay.
Talk to you later.
Bye.
- [GRUNTS.]
Stop! - Oh, my God! Hey, look, I'm sorry.
Are you okay? - You gave me no choice.
- Get off me! Not until you promise you're not gonna drink.
Look, I'm not getting off you until you promise! - No! - This is my job! - To sit on top of me? - To make sure you don't drink! Oh, my God, I told you, it's no big deal.
Yes, it is.
All right? Don't fuck up this gig for me.
My brother's going to prison tomorrow.
I need the money for his commissary account.
Are you trying to play on my emotions? Is it working? No, because I don't have any! All right, well, then, suck it up until Barney gets back at 5:00, all right? He can deal with you.
What am I supposed to do if I'm not drinking? Just sit in the hotel room all day, watching SpectraVision? Uh, we could hang out here in the park.
It's a beautiful day out.
You are such a sap.
Look, just relax, all right? Enjoy, and take it one moment at a time, all right? Oh, jeez.
AA crap.
All right, fine.
We'll just hang out in this stupid park.
- All right.
- Okay.
Now I'm gonna get off you, but I swear, if you run, I will tackle the fuck out of you.
You are so dramatic.
Hey, look who's talking, commercial actress chick.
I'll have you know, I have done 17 films and 4 TV shows.
Whatever.
Hey! I'm just kidding, you little shit.
[SILVERWARE CLATTERING.]
What are you doing? Packing for our move.
I'm having second thoughts.
[KEYS DROP.]
We paid a deposit.
We'll just cancel the check.
[SCOFFS.]
We signed a lease.
The realtor won't care.
She said tons of people are interested, anyway.
What's this about? [SIGHS.]
To be honest, I smelled mold in there.
These old apartments, they got so much water damage, and mold is so bad for your lungs.
Hm.
And where's this coming from? I just think we can find something better and cheaper.
What's your excuse gonna be in the next apartment? Excuse me? You're not remotely serious about us getting a place together.
- That is not true.
- Bullshit.
I have a perfectly good apartment right here.
Which is too small for me to move any of my stuff into.
It's not the right time for me to be spending that kind of money.
Well, let me know when it is the right time, and maybe, I might still be around.
- [KEYS JINGLE.]
- Where are you going? To cancel a check and break a lease so God forbid, we don't have to fucking live together.
[Rock music.]
Yo, bitch.
My cell, now.
No way, Larry.
Ow.
See, wrong move.
You just got your throat slit.
- Ah! - [GRUNTS.]
- And now you're dead.
- Shit.
Dude, what the hell did we teach you? Your ass gonna get fucked up in prison.
Run it again.
My cell, bitch.
[CARL.]
You don't roll into the blade.
Use your left hand to grab her wrist with the knife.
[CARL.]
Grab her elbow, then throw.
- [GRUNTS.]
[GASPS.]
You good? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Yeah? Ian here? Who wants to know? My name's Antonio.
Joselito sent me.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm Ian.
Come in.
We talking Joselito from County? How's he doing? Jackass got extra 20 years.
Stabbed a guard.
That sucks.
Uh, is he still with Leo? Nah, they broke up after Leo got released.
That long-distance shit never works.
So what's going on? Joselito wanted me to give you an in-depth safety orientation about Beckman Correctional before they send you up.
[Rock music.]
[DISTANT SHOUTING.]
[MAN.]
[GIBBERING.]
Is that my Ingrid? [MAN.]
[GIBBERING.]
No, it's just some crazy dude.
What's so special about this chick we're waiting for, anyway? Well, son, it's a great gift in this life to know what you're good at.
And, uh, I'm good at crazy.
I'm a caretaker to it.
Makes me feel needed.
It's how I felt with your mother.
Plus, it's never boring.
Look at this.
What the hell is that? [LAUGHS.]
Monica.
I was asleep.
Decided she was gonna light me on fire, one body part at a time.
- Why? - [FRANK.]
Hard to say with a crazy person.
That's the thrill.
You never know what you're gonna get, moment to moment.
Thankfully, she passed out before she could torch the rest of my body.
I'd given up trying to find excitement like that again, till now.
I'm gonna get some more of those, um, fudge stripes, and then I'll tell you about the time Monica shattered my kneecap with a pool cue.
It was the best sex of my life.
[JEN.]
That cloud up there looks like a martini glass.
Nah, it's clearly a beer funnel.
When did you start drinking? Nine? Maybe earlier.
I was 12.
We had a beer keg tapped in our backyard at all times.
Grow up in a fraternity? You ever try and stop? Course.
Life's hard.
Booze is my only escape.
Why'd you hire a sober companion, then? I didn't.
Highland Cosmetics did after the incident, where we're doing this Christmas commercial in the fall, and I was riding a horse through Central Park, and I fell off.
Drunk? - I was plastered.
- [LAUGHS.]
Course, the horse got spooked and took off, and guess what I did? - [SCOFFS.]
- Start chasing after him.
- Sure.
- I was wearing high heels and this snow angel thing.
Yeah.
I almost caught it, and I promise you, - I could've, had I not puked.
- Sure.
I'm surprised you didn't see it.
It was all over the Internet.
You didn't see the gif? - No.
- The [IMITATES VOMITING.]
Aw, man.
Oh.
Let's go get some lunch.
I'm fucking starving.
Sure, yeah.
[CAR BEEPS.]
Hey, Max.
You got a second? Yeah, what's up? Late for a thing.
- I need to get out of our deal.
- What? Another opportunity came up, and I'm short on cash.
What other opportunity? Is it something I want to invest in? I'm not allowed to say, but I gotta act fast.
Are you kidding me? You bullied your way onto my project, and I can't get in on yours? I'm sorry.
My hands are tied.
So how can I get my money out of the Sunset Brook project? You can't.
I mean, it's been invested.
And the paperwork's already been filed on the partnership, so Well, I wasn't expecting a 12-month delay on the senior center.
None of us were.
So what's the other thing? You getting a better return? Is that, uh Is that why you want to bail? Something like that.
Jesus.
You know, I thought we had a good business thing going here.
I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
- See how you are, Gallagher.
- [SOFT LAUGH.]
All right, don't forget my 25K.
[ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
So we have a little sex toy obsession, do we? Obsession? No, no, I would I wouldn't say that at all.
It's actually the only sex toy we have, Father.
Well, I'm sure you would both agree that exposing Amy to this kind of depravity is not in her best interest.
With all due respect, Father, we're not exposing our daughter to any depravity.
[FATHER D'AMICO.]
Need I remind you that your daughter brought a massive, veiny, vibrating dildo into preschool? Now, you may be asking yourselves how a pious man like myself could have such carnal knowledge of sexual fetishes and addictions.
Yeah, no, we weren't asking that.
I'm actually kind of curious.
Yeah? Well, prior to serving God, I was in the United States Navy.
You have no idea what loneliness is until you're trapped out at sea, away from home for months at a time.
I was at a low point in my life as our ship pulled into Subic Bay.
Little did I know that my life was about to spiral downward.
As we disembarked from our ship, my fellow seamen and I were greeted by the warm smiles of the Subic Bay women.
Let me tell you, a hug from a Subic Bay woman can take away all your loneliness, especially from one woman, named Ming-hang.
Of course, I had to pay for her companionship, but what's a few pesos when you're treated like a king for an hour? Or in my case, a few hours, which turned into days, which turned into weeks, and then, eventually, my going AWOL, and being served a military warrant for my arrest.
Is this $22 for a grilled cheese? Who cares? Get what you want.
I'm gonna splurge and get the Cobb salad.
Final answer.
Oh, salad's splurging? It has creamy dressing.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh.
So what qualifies you to be a sober companion? I don't know, really.
I mean, I've never done it before.
Um.
Barney trusts me, I guess, and I know how a drunk thinks.
Here we go.
Virgin Bloody Mary.
Are you positive it's virgin? It's absolutely, 100%, a virgin.
Uh, and Coke for the gentleman.
[FRED.]
Let me put this tray down.
I'll be right back to take your order.
Kay.
This is, like, an entire salad - on my glass.
- [LIP.]
Oh, yeah.
Guess they have to make up for it being a virgin.
Oh, my God.
Hey, you told Fred the waiter that a virgin meant to make it a double when I was in the bathroom.
Fuck, I miss Barney.
Sh Jesus Christ.
[FATHER D'AMICO.]
Anyway, at first, Ming-hang and I just talked and made love.
Then she introduced me to something called the Hot Carl.
Do you know what the Hot Carl is? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We got it.
[FATHER D'AMICO.]
That quickly led to the Dirty Sanchez, and then the gorilla mask.
It got to the point where I couldn't orgasm unless I was doing the Alabama Hot Pocket.
[Rock music.]
Oh, that's when you defecate Nope, Father.
Too far.
Oh, you're gonna stop him now? Anyway, the next time you reach for that dildo, or that butt plug, or that ball gag, you remember me, an innocent seaman just trying to serve his country while getting choked out to the point of asphyxiation by a Subic Bay woman named [INHALES.]
Ming-hang.
Father, our penance.
Oh, yes, right.
Um, say four Hail Marys and six Our Fathers.
Thank you.
[SUCTION POPS.]
Okay.
- I just need your license.
- Sure.
Thank you.
I see that you already have two mortgage loans with us.
Yes.
How long would it take to get more money against my property? - How much were you looking for? - $25,000.
Well, we would have to start the whole approval process again and run a new credit check.
We would need copies of your tax returns for the last two years, pay stubs for the last three months.
Then we'll review all of your bank statements, just to ensure that you can complete the payments.
After we have everything we need, it usually takes the underwriter about six weeks to approve.
Six weeks? I need the money immediately.
Well, there is an expedited procedure, but that will cost you 10%.
- How expedited? - Ten days.
Do you want to start the application process? Yes.
[VACUUM CLEANER HUMMING.]
Okay.
So this is the layout of Beckman Correctional, all right? This is the area you want to avoid.
Anything on the west side, the showers, this side of the yard, and these cells.
That is a lot of area I'm avoiding.
You'll thank me later.
All the inmates over here are murderers.
Murderer, murderer, murderer.
Jesus.
So this is the primo area at Beckman.
All right? I'm talking about Disney compared to that shit over there.
So over here, you'll get your good weed, your coke, your smoke, and your Snicker bars.
Anything you need.
Assume that anything you get from the west is gonna be laced with some shit - that's gonna fucking kill you.
- Got it.
Now, back in Disney, is where you'll find the guys that give the best blowies.
All right? There's Ralphie.
Clean, quick, easy.
Old Man Stewie? He's good.
The Senator.
Oh, and Sasquatch.
I don't know if he's still there.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Big Pete, Medium Pete.
- All good.
- [DOOR SHUTS.]
- Okay.
- [FIONA.]
Hi.
Anybody got any cash? I need $25,000.
What? For what? I gotta put more money into this investment that I made.
What investment? I put $100,000 into a parking lot that's gonna be [BOTH.]
You got 100 grand? No, the the bank gave me a line of credit against my apartment building.
That's just dumb.
Don't pay it back.
No, then they'll take the building.
You could try to sell something.
What about your car? It's a lease.
I can do you a solid.
Who are you? [IAN.]
Antonio.
He's a friend.
[ANTONIO.]
Pleasure.
I know some guys that know some guys, get you 25 grand, take a cut.
I'm good.
I think I figured it out.
Thanks.
Don't forget, I'm driving you to prison in the morning.
- Okay.
- [KEYS JINGLE.]
Why is my sobriety so important to you anyway? It's not.
My sobriety is important to me.
That makes no sense.
Look, if I help you stay sober, it helps me stay sober.
So narcissistic.
[SCOFFS.]
What if I let you touch these? This is Highland.
This is Cosmetics.
It's nice to meet you, ladies, but I'm I'm not interested.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- Shit.
- What? Barney's gonna be a couple hours late.
Are you kidding me? Look, um, I've got my brother's last dinner, all right? So your ass is coming with me.
Fuck that.
I am going to the bar.
Jesus.
[MUFFLED CLUB MUSIC PLAYING.]
Two Flaming Dr.
Peppers, please.
You got it.
What are you doing? Ordering us cocktails.
Hey, she doesn't want those.
Yes, she does.
Well, I'm not gonna let you do this.
You're such a buzzkill.
It's only alcohol.
Stop giving it so much power.
It's like flavored water, for God's sake.
Booyah! That's what I'm talking about.
Thank you.
Here you go.
Come on, take it, you wuss.
Hm.
Please don't drink that.
Douche-canoe, I'm a grown-ass woman.
If I want to drink it, I'm gonna drink it.
Hey, everybody, look, it's Jen Wagner, right here! Look! Hi.
Hi.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
- [EXCITED CHATTER.]
[QUIETLY.]
You asshole.
Hi.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
I don't think you're gonna qualify.
What? Uh, yeah, you don't have enough revenue to carry a third loan.
Do you have any additional assets, bonds, stocks? No.
Sorry.
I can go ahead and push this expedited application through and we'll see what the underwriter says, but I don't think you're gonna get approved.
[SIGHS.]
Ah.
[KEV.]
You think this stuff makes us depraved? Fuck, no.
Yeah, but the priest said that we're Well, it's his job, Kev, to make us feel like shit about having a healthy sex life because he can't anymore.
When is the last time we used any of this stuff, anyway? Like this butt plug? Watching the White Sox double-header.
Oh, yeah.
The rain delay.
We just need to be more careful with the girls around.
I don't want them walking in on us using any of this anytime soon.
It'll probably just fall out, anyway.
Excuse me? Of me.
It'll fall out of me.
Let's just throw it all out.
Hell, no.
We're gonna have a ceremony, a proper good-bye.
Hey, Fiona, can you take the Sprite off this check for me, please? Um, just, um, comp the whole thing.
[Downbeat rock music.]
Fuck.
- Knock, knock.
- What? Sorry to interrupt, boss.
It's Linus' birthday.
We're gonna have a few drinks later if you want to join.
Sure.
Okay.
[INGRID.]
[SIGHS.]
Is that her? Stay here.
I'll go get your medications.
Yeah, okay.
[BAXTER.]
Hey, hey.
Looking good, Dr.
Jones.
Thanks, Baxter.
Uh, Dr.
Jones? Dr.
Ingrid Jones? That's her? Yes? We met the other day in the ER.
You lured me in with Vicodin? Bitch-slapped me, called me Timmy? You kissed me on behalf of Sarah Beth? You must have the wrong person.
Baxter, tell Randy I'll be in my car.
Oh, but uh Um She was so different the other day.
We really had a connection.
She's so normal now.
Well, they're always that way when they get released from here, Frank.
You know that.
I guess it's been a while.
That man she was with, Randy? Yeah, her ex-husband.
Good to know.
W-w-what do you think? [LIAM.]
I don't know.
Looks like she could shatter your kneecap.
She really does, doesn't she? Come on.
- [MAN.]
That's some bullshit! - Where's my shit, motherfucker? You didn't tell me we were having dinner in the ghetto.
Hey, you had me running around the city all day.
Least you could do is hang here until Barney comes to pick you up.
[SCOFFS.]
Hope I don't get mugged in the meantime.
Hurry up.
You're gonna be late for your gang initiation.
[Rock music.]
- There she is.
- [ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
- [LIAM.]
They're leaving.
- Shit.
What? Frank, what about me? Uh, take the, uh, number 16 bus.
[IAN.]
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, I have a better one.
So Carl's, like, five or six years old, right? [CARL.]
Enough with these Carl stories.
- Hey, let me get that.
- No way.
I want more.
Me too.
Wow, looks like you're the one going to prison.
Mm, this is amazing.
I can't believe you've never had White Castle before.
I only eat carrots, and then I throw them up.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Come on, tell the story.
All right, so he's five or six years old Wait-wait-wait, is this the penis or the cat story? - Penis.
- [CARL.]
Shit.
[IAN.]
And he thought pee was stored in his scrotum.
- [KELLY.]
No.
- But he called it his - [BOTH.]
Bubble gum.
- Yeah.
'Cause it looks like bubble gum.
He took a screwdriver - [BOTH.]
No! - Yeah.
Yep.
- Is that what that scar is? - Uh-huh.
Well, and why the hell'd you do that? I thought I'd save some time, bypass the penis.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Creative.
See? I'm a genius.
Yeah, you're a genius.
Did pee come out? It smelled like pee.
- [JEN.]
Oh, God.
- What a genius.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
I got stuck on the El for 20 minutes.
- Nice.
- Hey, what's going on, Deb? [DEBBIE.]
Ooh.
Yes.
- [LIP.]
Was it two? - [CARL.]
Was it? Why is that chick from those makeup commercials having dinner with us? Oh, shit, that's you.
- Mm.
- Hey, she's also done 17 movies and 4 TV shows.
And nominated for three Golden Globes - and a People's Choice Award.
- [BOTH.]
Whoa.
You're famous.
You make a lot of money doing those commercials, huh? Hey.
What? Say the line.
- No.
- [LIP.]
Oh, you guys, come on, come on, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Face it.
You're gorgeous.
Wow.
[LIP.]
Whoo, whoo! Nice.
Okay, now the Carl cat story.
- Debs, you take this one.
- [CARL.]
Shit.
[Upbeat electronic music.]
[WOMAN.]
Just enjoy your life Just enjoy your life [WOMAN.]
Hey, turn off the music! [ALL.]
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Dear Linus Happy birthday to you [ALL.]
Whoo! Yeah! Ugh, I ate more tonight than I've eaten in a month.
Hey, uh, you realize you haven't talked about having a drink since you've been here? I guess I felt comfortable.
Plus, I can't drink after 7:00 anyway, because everyone's gonna smell it on me at my meeting tomorrow morning.
Aye.
[IAN.]
How's my shiv looking? Mm, sharper.
That thing can't puncture flesh.
E see, look at mine.
Mm? [IAN.]
Oh, wow.
Take that, you rape-y pillow.
Uh, can I give my two cents about prison? Sure.
Find a hobby.
Makes the time go so much faster.
Oh, papier-mâché's good.
Easy to do with toilet paper, glue, and water.
You learn that from one of your movies? Bitch, please.
I served time.
48 hours for DUI.
Oh, I didn't know I was in the company of such a badass.
Maybe I should go to prison, too.
Seems like the only way I'll find a real relationship.
That's not true.
It is.
I'm unlucky in love.
Men, women Hey, you're a special woman.
You don't want just anyone.
No, you you want somebody who gets you.
I played a lesbian once in a movie.
- Whoa.
- Wow.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [ALL.]
Face it, you're gorgeous! [LAUGHS.]
If I don't come up with 25 grand I'm gonna be in default on my partnership agreement and lose my $100,000 investment.
I got my car repo-d this week.
And I'll have to foreclose on my apartment building, and my credit will just be ruined.
My mom and I are getting kicked out of our Section 8 housing.
That sucks.
[DISTANT TRAIN HORN.]
I'm sorry.
[SPLASH.]
[SPLASH.]
What was that? Looked like a dick.
[DISTANT TRAIN HORN.]
[SPLASHING.]
Huh.
Bye-bye, hot pink anal beads.
We never really used them, anyway.
I did.
When you were visiting your mother.
You did? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, yeah.
I was so stressed that night.
I thought I lost one inside me.
I couldn't remember if I started out with five or six beads.
[SIGHS.]
Good riddance.
[SPLASH.]
Someone is up there, throwing stuff.
No.
[LAUGHS.]
I I can't.
I I I have a boyfriend.
Oh, and I I lied to him, and he's really mad at me.
[SIGHS.]
I might've fucked the whole thing up.
I have to apologize.
[DOOR CLOSES, CAR ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
[ENGINE REVS.]
[easygoing music.]
[GROANS.]
Hey.
For your commissary account.
I'll pay you back.
No, you won't.
[DISTANT DOG BARKING.]
[energetic rock music.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[KNOCKING.]
Are you stalking me? Do I need to call the police? I know it was you.
I was having a bad day.
My medications were off.
Wasn't the real me.
I think it was the real you, and I loved it.
[LAUGHS.]
What? You don't have anything to be ashamed of.
You are fantastic.
I wish I were normal.
Why? I-I don't really like that part of me.
I do.
I'm moving on [SIGHS.]
Heading my way, Columbia Hi, it's me.
I'm moving on I'm sorry about our stupid fight.
I'm moving on [SIGHS.]
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
When the tables finally turn I'm gonna be You Your lesson learned Hi, it's me.
You didn't come home.
Call me.
Oh.
I'm rolling down the tracks [SIGHS.]
Oh, I can't Well, I'll be all right I'll be just fine I'm a heartbreaker, baby I'm one of a kind [MUSIC STOPS.]
[DISTANT HORN HONKS.]
[TIRES GRIND.]
[DOORBELL CHIMES.]
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Hi.
Is Ford here? Do you know what time it is? [FORD.]
What's going on? Fiona.
[SIGHS.]
I got this, Patty.
Patty.
You s You said Patty was your mother.
I'm his wife.
[FORDIE.]
Daddy [PATTY SIGHS.]
I can't sleep.
Oh, come on, sweetheart.
Let's go back to bed.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Fiona I'm such a fucking idiot.
Fiona, wait.
Patty and I are separated.
That didn't look separated to me.
We're getting a divorce.
Why wouldn't you just tell me that you're married? We stayed together for the kid.
Oh.
Holy shit, you're a fucking asshole.
Fiona, just listen to me.
Fiona.
Can't believe this Fiona, listen to me for a second.
This is fucking take your fucking hand off my car.
Don't do this, Fiona.
- Take your fucking hand - No way! Fucking no! Take your fucking hands off my car! Fiona! Fiona! [CRYING.]
[disquieting rock music.]
[FORD.]
Fiona! Fiona! Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.
- Relax, relax.
- Fu-fuck.
She's bleeding.
She's fucking bleeding.
Oh, fuck - Fiona - Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
Fiona! [PANTING.]
You sure she said she was gonna drive you? Yep.
Still going to voice mail.
How about Uncle Kev drives you? I'll go get my truck.
Thanks, man.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[tender string music.]
All right.
I, uh thought Geneva and some of the others would be here, but [SIGHS.]
You can only count on family, dude.
I'm gonna miss you.
Don't get too raped in there, all right? - Kevin! - I'm sorry.
I don't know what to say in these situations.
How about "Bye" and "I love you"? B-bye, man.
I love you.
I love you guys, too.
Hey, uh Thanks for being my brother.
Uh, never had a choice.
All right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
See you guys.
[MAN.]
Have a good one.
[MAN.]
See ya.
[MAN.]
Open up! [DOOR BUZZES, OPENS.]
[MAN.]
Let's go.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER, JEERING.]
Knock it off.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
[DISTANT INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I rolled on the cartel I was working for, and in exchange, guess who gets to pick where he gets locked up? Holy fuck.
Oh, hey, I got bottom, so you're on top.
[Smooth music.]
Yeah, yeah, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah That's the way every day goes Every time we've no control If the sky is pink and white If the ground is black and yellow It's the same way you show me Glory from above Regard my dear It's all downhill from here