Shameless US s09e07 Episode Script

Down Like The Titanic

1 Hey, buddy! You missed it, didn't you? Last week.
Want to know what happened? Huh? Give me a buck.
Ooh! Met a woman.
Crazy as a loon.
Made my heart stir and my loins moist.
Dr.
Jones? Dr.
Ingrid Jones? My medications were off.
Wasn't the real me.
I think it was the real you, and I loved it.
[TAMI.]
Probably the worst lay I've ever had.
[RETCHES.]
You fuck for shit.
Fuck you, I fuck for shit.
See you later, Jabby! [LIP.]
You sure Fiona said she was gonna drive you? [IAN.]
Yep.
I'm gonna miss you.
[IAN.]
I love you guys.
[GATE BUZZES.]
If I don't come up with 25 grand, I'm gonna be in default on my partnership agreement and lose my $100,000 investment.
Then I'll have to foreclose on my apartment building.
- Is Ford here? - I got this, Patty.
You said Patty was your mother.
I'm his wife.
I'm such a fucking idiot! - Take your fucking hands - No! - off my car! - Fiona! [CRYING.]
[CRASH.]
[GROANING.]
Fuck.
Fiona! [Rock music.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [ALARM RINGING.]
[LIP.]
What the fuck? - [CARL.]
Jesus fucking Christ.
- [DEBBIE.]
Smoke? Does anyone smell smoke? It's not the smoke alarm.
Where is that sound coming from? You know, it could be a bomb.
It's not a bomb.
Watch out, bud.
[GROANS SOFTLY.]
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, fucker.
Ian.
[CARL SCOFFS.]
Shithead.
[LAUGHS.]
Genius.
Oh, that's so sweet.
He doesn't want us to forget him.
[LIP.]
Yeah, it's real sweet.
All right, go to bed, guys.
[LAUGHS.]
[rock music.]
[INGRID.]
Three, two, one, go! Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
Wha-ho! Well? - Five and a half seconds.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes! I knew it! I knew that Vaseline would make better lube than lube.
We're smoking now.
I got - some velocity down there.
- [KNOCKING.]
[RANDY.]
Ingrid? You okay in there? Your neighbors are a pain in the ass.
- No, it's my ex-husband.
- [FRANK COUGHS.]
He thinks he can look after me just because we share a duplex wall.
Oh.
[INGRID.]
I'm fine, Randy! Go back to bed! [RANDY.]
You sure, hon? Maybe I should come in.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm on a date.
Never been better.
Bye! [CHUCKLES.]
Man.
I never realized how much fun indoor tobogganing could be.
- It should be a thing.
- [LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
You know, you shouldn't have to be off your meds to have this much fun.
It is fun.
- Fuck, you have strong weed.
- Uh-huh.
It's supposed to make you really sleepy, but I don't know.
It just makes me all Vroom alive.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, when you wave that flag in front of me, I feel like a bull standing before a matador in "Barthelona.
" - [GROWLS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
My little Spanish-English muffin.
All right, my turn.
- All right, suit up.
- Okay, lube me up.
Let's go.
- To the top! Here we go! - Okay.
- Whee! - [LAUGHS.]
All right, guys, cereal or toast? Do you have the stuff to make pancakes? Pancakes? Let's make pancakes.
All right, let me rephrase.
Cereal, toast, or nothing? [DEBBIE.]
Toast.
Cereal.
[DEBBIE MURMURS.]
Oh, what's with the suit? Somebody die? No, Brad's baby's getting christened today.
Christening? Is that where you get the wine and shitty little cracker? No, that's confirmation.
Christening's when you waterboard the baby.
[LIP.]
All right, we gotta divide and conquer now that school's out.
Who's gonna watch Liam today? - [CARL.]
Nope.
- [DEBBIE.]
Not me.
I'm in sixth grade.
I don't need a babysitter.
Yeah, scholastically, you're in sixth grade.
In real life, you're nine.
By the time I was nine, I had three years' experience being a full-time nanny.
In fact, how would you like to make five bucks an hour this summer, Liam? Ten bucks and one-hour lunch.
Deal.
No, Liam's a minor, all right? He's got to have another adult around to watch Franny.
Better Liam than some shitty day care that'll cram her into a Pack 'n Play with eight other toddlers.
[GASPS.]
You love your Uncle Liam, don't you, girlfriend? Hey, Carl, what you got today? Kelly's coming over later to help me move.
They can hang out with us, as long as you guys disappear when we bone.
- Move? Where you going? - [CARL.]
Leveling up, son.
Liam's got Fiona's room.
Debbie's got Debbie's.
Figure since Ian's out of the house, I'll take Frank's room, let you rock with the boys' room solo, if that's cool with you.
Yeah, sure, sounds good to me.
[DEBBIE.]
We can't not have a bed for Frank anymore, can we? - [LIP.]
Of course we can.
- Fuck Frank.
Shouldn't we get Fiona's opinion first? - No.
- I'm kind of worried about her.
She hasn't responded to any of my texts or calls.
- Have you guys heard from her? - Mm-mm.
To stand Ian up on his last day before prison and not drive him when she said she would It's not like her.
Uh, it's called passive-aggression, Debs.
She's still mad at Ian.
[GROANS SOFTLY.]
[VERONICA.]
Hey, girls are in school.
Coffee's hot.
We're out of milk.
Laundry is clean.
I'm late to open.
How was closing? Oh, it was fine.
Oh, but I think I forgot to turn on the dishwasher.
What's all this stuff? [VERONICA.]
Oh, that's our old baby stuff.
Purging all those sex toys made me realize how much old shit we still had lying around.
My girl Shawntelle's coming for it.
Who the hell's Shawntelle? Shawntelle, the one who does my locks.
I told you about her.
Six kids, one has Down syndrome, no baby daddy, set of twins on the way? You're giving away all our baby stuff? What, you think I can get money for it? No, I don't think you should be giving away Gemma's froggy bib or Amy's Little LambLamb.
Well, I saved all of their favorite stuff.
Plus, we need to make room upstairs for the twin beds.
Twin beds? V, they're not ready for that.
They're tiny little squishy babies.
They're not, Kev.
They're four years old.
Amy can pick up her toddler bed and bench it.
Plus, we don't need to be holding on to old baby shit when we're done having babies.
Done having babies? You said we were gonna talk about that down the line.
Sure, we're gonna talk about it down the line.
Of course we will, but not when I'm late to open, okay? Okay, let's just say, upon talking about it down the line, we decide to have loads more babies.
Kev, we don't have room for all this shit in this small-ass house.
If you want to pick out five items for sentimental reasons, fine, but the rest is going to Shawntelle.
Five total or-or-or five per daughter? I don't care! [DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
[CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
[mellow rock music.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- [DEBBIE.]
Fiona? - [KNOCKING.]
Fiona, are you in there? - Open up! - [KNOCKING.]
Come on.
I'll take your door off! No, hang on.
I'm coming.
[GASPS, GROANS.]
Holy shit.
- It's fine.
- Your face! - This is not fine, Fiona! - I'm fine.
I'm fine.
You need stitches.
What happened to you? It's nothing.
It was a car accident.
You got into a car accident? Oh, my God, are you okay? Fiona! Why didn't you call us? We had no idea that you were in a car accident.
We just thought you stood Ian up because you were pissed.
Oh, my God, Ian.
[CRIES.]
- Oh, hey.
- Oh, my God.
No, no, no.
Fiona, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Shh, shh, shh.
No, no, no, no, no.
Come on.
You can't sleep.
You may have a concussion, okay? We're gonna get you to a doctor.
Do you know where your car is now? [LAUGHS.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
[CARL.]
Come in! [INDISTINCT SPEECH ON TV.]
Hey, what's up? Come help me move.
Where? My new bachelor pad, where no one'll be.
I'll help you move later.
We're supposed to do West Point application prep today, remember? W-wait, can't we at least move some furniture? We'll start with an ACT practice test, since you need a minimum score of 28 on that.
West Point requires you to have a 3.
75 GPA, and that's including four years of English, four years of college-preparatory mathematics, including algebra, geometry, trigonometry Uh, yeah, I've waited 17 years for my own bedroom that has a door that locks.
Liam, you'll proctor for us, won't you? Franny's napping.
I'm on my union break.
You just have to hold the stopwatch.
Forty-five minutes for part one, 45 minute for part two, and 90 minutes for part three.
Can we at least move some furniture first? We all gotta do things we don't want to do sometimes, like the 10K I have to run right now to stay Annapolis-strong.
Part one.
Go! [STOPWATCH CLICKING.]
Psst, nerd.
What does this word mean? "Assessment.
" It's a noun.
An evaluation or estimation of someone's ability.
Oh, fuck me.
So what's the plan here? You're shaving me? Just from the chin down.
I am gonna make you my adorable little hairless mouse boy.
[LAUGHS.]
Unless you'd prefer rat boy.
I'm gonna go mouse.
- Mm.
[LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
Aw, thanks for riding this wave with me, Frank.
It is so nice to have company.
- Freak flags must fly high.
- Mm-hmm.
Besides, there's nothing you could do to scare me.
I've seen it all, smoked it all, and handled it all.
Well, you are a mouse boy among men.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [INGRID CHUCKLES.]
What would you be doing right now if you weren't hanging out with me? Um I like to keep my options open, live life.
Oh, that is so healthy.
Twenty-two years of being a psychotherapist, I don't think I've ever heard anything so healthy.
You're a psychotherapist.
Uh No disrespect, but aren't you a little Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The best of us have personal experience with mental illnesses.
That's why we're good at our jobs.
I mean, even Randy.
He's a psychotherapist, and he has boundary issues.
That's why he's in my bathroom right now.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [RANDY.]
Ingrid Jesus fucking Christ, man! I told you that that key was for emergencies.
You are now violating our agreement! - [RANDY.]
I-I - [INGRID.]
Violator.
I think this is an emergency, Ingrid.
I heard tobogganing at four in the morning.
Now you're blowing off work, and you're clearly not taking your meds.
My first patient isn't until 1 p.
m.
Do you not think that's a little irresponsible to counsel others when you have not taken your meds? Oh, you don't think it's irresponsible for you to neglect your patients so that you can micromanage my mental illness? I'm Frank, by the way.
Stay out of this, Frank.
You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.
Hey, this has a cycle, see? Super fun at the beginning.
Stay up all night.
It's great.
But by tonight, things will be very rough.
Ingy, Ingy, honey, you just got out of the psych ward, sweetie.
You need your medications.
I am missing my life, Randy.
I am missing it! And besides, Frank loves me just as I am.
- I do.
- [INGRID.]
He does.
You can find your way out R-Randall? [INGRID LAUGHS.]
It's Randy.
Randy.
[LAUGHS.]
Give it up.
[JAMAL.]
Here you go.
RAV4, right? Oh, my God.
This car is totaled! - Oh, my God.
- [JAMAL.]
Yeah.
Insurance will cover a hit-and-run.
Y-you have insurance, right? [LAUGHS DRYLY.]
[DEBBIE.]
Did you call the police? Did you file an accident report? You gotta find whoever did this, Fiona.
I did it.
You did what? I did this.
I was drunk, and I didn't call the police 'cause I was drunk.
You were driving drunk? The hell is going on with you? It's adult shit, okay? Fuck that.
I'm not a kid.
I have a kid.
All right, fine.
Uh the zoning fell through on my old-age home yesterday, which means I got Max Whitford stalking me for $25K, or else I lose my entire $100K investment, which fucks me, 'cause without an immediate profit off that, I actually cannot afford my first and second mortgages on my apartment building, and that means I'm gonna have to sell my building.
Also, it turns out that Ford's married.
Yeah.
I found that out right before I totaled this car, which is gonna cost thousands to fix.
So that on top of the $1,800 that I just spent at the ER and the $500 that this tow place just charged me means I'm so far up shit's creek, I don't even have lunch money.
And I'm such a fucking piece of shit that I forgot my own brother was going to prison.
[CRIES.]
So what you're saying is, you've had a shitty couple days.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I know, right? It's gonna be okay, Fiona.
It's gonna be okay.
[SNIFFLES.]
Yeah? You got a spare $25K lying around? No.
But I got a friend who might be able to help us out with the car, at least.
[SINGING ALONG WITH RECORDING.]
I'm a little teapot Short and stout Here is my handle Here's my spout [MAN ON RECORDING.]
When I see the teacups Hear me shout Tip me up and pour me out There you go.
[GASPS.]
No way.
Aw! Talk-a-bear? That monster threw out Talk-a-bear.
[KEV ON RECORDING.]
Hi, Amy and Gemma.
This is Daddy, and we're talking into our Talk-a-bear.
[AMY AND GEMMA BABBLING.]
- [KEV.]
Can you say "Daddy"? - [GIRLS BABBLE.]
- [KEV.]
"Daddy.
" - [AMY.]
Doggy.
[KEV.]
That's "doggy.
" Woof, woof.
[GIRL.]
Dada.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Yeah, who is it? [SHAWNTELLE.]
V's friend Shawntelle.
You must be Kevin.
Nope, wrong house.
Well, this is 2113 North Wallace, ain't it? No parlez anglais! - Go away! - V told me she had some cribs and six bags of baby stuff for me.
I borrowed a truck.
[DEEP VOICE.]
V and Kevin are dead! What? That's right! I murdered them! Yeah, there's blood everywhere.
And you're next, Shawntelle.
Ruh-rar-ar-ar-ar-ar! Yeah, that's a chain saw! [RAPID FOOTSTEPS.]
[GATE CLATTERS.]
Whoa.
Look at this! This is impressive.
Oh, look at you.
You sexy librarian, you.
You think these are hot, wait till I put on my sexy therapist blazer and use Randy's prescription pad to write you 200 milligrams of Wellbutrin.
[FRANK.]
Excellent.
Excellent.
How long's this gonna take? Uh, I got three patients.
- Fifty minutes a session.
- Jesus.
People have 50 minutes of shit to whine about? You know, there's a Starbucks right on the corner.
Why don't you just go ahead and hang out there - for three hours or something? - No, I don't want to be away from you that long.
Can't I hide here and watch? Oh, no.
No, no, you-you won't even know I'm here.
I will be quiet as a hairless mouse.
Oof.
Yikes.
So what do you think? Can you hook us up, Farhad? [Speaking Farsi.]
[speaking Farsi.]
What'd he say? He's gonna strip it, give you 600 bucks for parts, and then we'll dump it in the weeds behind that empty lot off 16 and Michigan.
Take the cops, like, a week to find it back there.
And then you just contact your insurance company, tell them it was stolen, and they'll pay off your lease.
Really? Yeah, we do it all the time.
[RAMI.]
Issa! Abdul! [Speaking Farsi.]
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO.]
All right, go.
Go do whatever you're gonna do today.
You sure? Yeah, I'm just gonna - be here - [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
being a felon.
[SIGHS.]
- Maybe I should hang out.
- Nah, go.
I'm gonna get my 600 bucks, head over to Patsy's, list my building online.
Go.
You got better shit to do today.
Okay.
I'll see you later.
Hey, Farhad, what are you doing today? - Pretty busy, actually, with - No, you're not.
I'll be back for you in three hours.
Why are you at your desk this week, Dr.
Jones? You're always in your chair.
Yeah.
It seems to bother you that I'm not in my chair.
Let's, um let's talk about that.
Why? [ZACH.]
It's just, I don't like when things change suddenly.
[INGRID.]
Ah, because of your mother.
[Sultry music.]
Yes.
Yeah.
[ZACH.]
Yeah, she's the reason that I have body dysmorphia and can't get out of bed.
Oh.
Do you know she even lords it over me that she pays for this therapy - [INGRID MOANS SOFTLY.]
- [ZACH.]
at $275 an hour? [INGRID.]
Mm.
Um, let's just talk some more about that body dysmorphia.
[BREATHILY.]
Tell me about that.
[ZACH.]
Well, it's my head.
It is disproportionately large.
Yes! [GASPING.]
Um Jesus Christ, did I get any right? [KELLY.]
You know what? Who cares about scores? This is just a tool to see where your strengths and your weaknesses lie.
[CARL.]
But what was my score, though? Think you got a couple of them right maybe.
[KELLY.]
You know, it doesn't matter.
Now we know that we need to brush up on comp lit, algebra, geometry, trigonometry, U.
S.
history, government, and reading comprehension.
Well, that's, like, all the subjects.
Liam will help us.
Won't you, Liam? Let's start with the Bob books.
"Bob has a dog.
Pat likes cats.
" - I love those books.
- [RAPID FOOTSTEPS.]
He's not kidding.
So Fiona didn't blow Ian off because she was pissed at him.
She got into a fucking car accident.
That's why she didn't show! - Wait, is she okay? - No, it's really bad.
She totaled her car, and she broke her wrist, she's nonstop ugly-crying, and I've never seen her this bad before.
And wait, Ford is married and has a whole other family and life and a bunch of kids in Chicago.
- Wait, wait, wait, what? - Motherfucker! And now Fiona has to sell her building today because she doesn't have money for lunch.
Okay, Debs, where is she now? I don't know.
We were dealing with the car.
She said she could handle it.
What, and you left her? What was I supposed to do? She said she's fine.
She's going to Patsy's.
All right, fine.
You tag out.
I'm gonna go find Fiona, all right? And I'll handle Ford.
[Rock music.]
[FRANK.]
Oh, God.
That was so hot.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, now it's your turn.
- I'm gonna get under the desk.
- What? Yeah, yeah, just tell my next patient I'm out sick.
It's not hard.
It's not hard.
All you're gonna do is listen and nod.
Now, if you get in a jam, you just repeat back what they said in an empathetic tone.
[LAUGHS.]
[KEYBOARD CLICKING.]
Shit.
[SIGHS.]
Debbie told you? Yeah, course she told me.
- Fuck, you okay? - I'm fine.
Debbie thinks you're gonna kill yourself.
[SCOFFS.]
I'm fine.
You know, nine stitches, no concussion, wrist'll take eight weeks, but I'll be fine.
Why are you in a suit? Oh, Brad's baby's getting christened.
But, you know, I can skip it.
You know, let's figure this out.
I mean, how deep are you in the hole? No need.
I listed my building.
There's gonna be an open house at 1 p.
m.
You don't have to do that, though.
I want to sell it.
Give me that.
So how was Ian when you dropped him off at prison? Was he upset? No.
No, he was okay.
You know, he stayed strong.
Yeah.
I'm gonna get up there first visiting hours I can.
You got a hell of a good excuse.
All right? He'll be cool.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Debbie.
Who's he? Farhad.
What's going on? [SIGHS.]
Nothing.
I just have this giant prick of an asshole who I'm gonna torture today.
Committed a crime against womanhood way worse than any of those misogynistic assholes we hit with welded dicks.
I mean, this guy deserves the fucking works.
Was wondering if you wanted to join us, for old times' sake? [Slow rock music.]
What kind of torture we talking? True, brutal, and unrelenting.
- Can we use power tools? - Hmm! What do you think? Should we start? [CAMI.]
Y-yes.
So sorry, Father.
Brad, Camille [JASON.]
Thanks for inviting me today.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
Worst thing you can do when you're having a tough time is be alone.
[FATHER HENRY.]
responsibility for his training [DOOR SLAMS.]
Fuck me, that door is heavy.
[PEOPLE MURMURING.]
Shit.
[TAMI.]
Hey! 'Sup, Denis? Oh, yas, queen.
Aunt Gayle, looking good, sister! [JASON.]
You know her? No, we, um, hung out at Brad's wedding and we fucked - badly.
- Oh, shit.
[WHISPERING.]
Really, Tami? Twenty minutes late.
Slow your roll, okay? - There was no parking.
- You're the godmother.
We were about to get my cousin Jennifer to fill in.
Well, I'm here now.
Let's do this.
Hi.
Okay, sorry, Father.
Please continue.
[FATHER HENRY.]
Uh, Brad, Camille, you have asked to have your child baptized.
It will be your responsibility Oh, shit.
[LAUGHING.]
Wait.
You guys invited Jabby? [PEOPLE MURMURING.]
[TAMI LAUGHS.]
[somber rock music.]
[SIGHS.]
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
[CELL PHONE WHOOSHES.]
[SIGHS.]
[CELL PHONE CLATTERS ON TABLE.]
- [rock music.]
- You got that pressure And if we put a six-foot platform here, so many people would see it The foot traffic alone.
A six-foot platform? That's too much effort.
Can't we just castrate him with Farhad's goat knife? Or stone him.
In Islam, we bury adulterers in the earth with their heads sticking out, - and then we stone them.
- No.
We really gotta make this one hurt.
Gotta humiliate this motherfucker.
We can do this.
We are three skilled laborers! Hands in! - [DEBBIE.]
Go, team! - Go, team.
[ALEX.]
Okay.
- Go, team.
- Yes.
Name the three branches of government.
Pentagon, DMV, cops.
Who was the first American president? Easy.
Lincoln.
Who coined the term "domino effect" to describe the spread of communism? Oh, Rovey Wade? Hey, yo, Gallaghers, how you doing? And person I've never seen before.
I'm gonna stash some shit in your basement for a while.
It's a secret from V, so - don't tell V, okay? - [CARL.]
Uh, yeah.
Why are you saving baby stuff, though? Aren't the girls, like, four now? [LAUGHS.]
You shut your mouth, Carl.
[KELLY.]
Next question.
Who was the first American president to serve two nonconsecutive terms? Oh, fuck if I know.
Grover Cleveland.
Oh, from Sesame Street? Oh, my God.
I don't understand.
Dr.
Jones is just out sick? Therapists can't do that.
Why not? They get sick, just like us.
Okay, go ahead.
Uh, what's your problem? Tell me quickly.
Sor s-somewhat quickly.
Not a great week this week.
I couldn't get out of bed yesterday - because I kept thinking - Jesus, you too? What is it with you people? - Get the fuck out of bed.
- [ZIPPER ZIPS.]
[SIGHS.]
Well, my ex, Jeremy, keeps calling me and calling me and calling me, and I'm trying to have boundaries, but I also want him to call, which I recognize is crazy.
I just don't know what to do.
Okay, slow down.
That's that's too fast.
Uh, um, okay, first of all Jazmin, you're not crazy.
There are crazy people out there.
Um I have bipolar depression.
Ah, that's good.
That's good.
Bipolar, yes.
Uh "bi," from the Latin meaning "two," meaning half the time, you're kind of interesting, and the other half, you're not very interesting at all.
Right now, talking about your ex-boyfriend, you-you're not very interesting.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Give me your phone.
[Sultry music.]
[SIGHS.]
[GASPS.]
God.
- Does that feel good or what? - [JAZMIN.]
No! That was the new iPhone NYP.
That's it.
Not your problem.
Get a new phone number so he can't call you anymore.
Get a more flattering haircut.
Stop walking around like a sorry sack of shit.
End this now.
You gotta finish it.
- [JAZMIN.]
NYP.
- Finish it now.
Not my problem.
Wow.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
- [MAX.]
What the hell, Gallagher? Is your phone broken? Holy shit.
What happened to your face? I'm fine.
Just a little hit-and-run.
[LAUGHING.]
God, that looks terrible.
Like, my brain is rejecting that an otherwise very hot girl can look this bad.
Anyway, I'm late for my spin class, and your PayPal didn't come through, girl.
Yeah, I Tacky to make me come find you.
Selling this place? Yeah, sorry.
I've just been swamped, and I was in the hospital most of the day yesterday Totally get it.
No bigs.
Just PayPal me right now.
I'm @maxwhitfordsaysyas.
Y-A-S.
Do you not have the app? I don't have the $25K.
You don't have $25K? Who doesn't have $25K? - Me? - [MAX.]
All right, so borrow it against your portfolio.
Call your guy.
I don't have a guy, Max, and I got rejected for a loan.
I got nothing.
What about your other properties and investments? Anything liquid you can unload? Oh.
Oh, you overleveraged? You told everybody you could swim, and now you're drowning? Yeah, going down like the fucking Titanic.
Oh.
You got anybody you can call? Uncle, mom, something? Nobody in my life has that kind of money.
That's why I'm selling this place.
Even if I could, you just you're not gonna clear 25 large in a couple days.
Come on, buyer will need to do due diligence and inspections and probably try to back out at the end of escrow, try to fuck you with a lowball offer last-minute.
I mean, you're not gonna have cash in hand for at least 90 days.
Who's your listing agent? [LAUGHS.]
I can't afford you, Max.
Maybe I waive my commission for you.
You'd do that? Yeah.
I am not as big an asshole as you think I am.
Come on.
[LAUGHING.]
Pour me some warm chard and roll out the tour.
I might have a couple possible buyers interested in a quick sale.
Okay.
My new chosen career.
You never can tell.
I know.
I think you might be really good at it.
You headed over to First Monday? Jesus Christ, Randy! We're gonna have to put a cowbell on you.
Ingy, First Monday.
You haven't forgotten, have you? No, no, we have not forgotten First Monday.
We're gonna definitely be there Frank and I.
Bet your ass we're gonna be at First Monday.
Good.
We'll see you there.
First what? Oh, all the therapists in this building get together on the first Monday of every month.
- Mm.
- It's usually, uh, somebody's birthday or You know, it'll be quick.
We'll just make an appearance.
[LOCK RATTLING.]
Motherfucker! - [INGRID YELLS.]
- What? What happ what? Are you all right? Yeah, lock got stuck.
I just got frustrated.
You ready? [Upbeat music.]
Jabby! Hey! I was hoping you'd be here.
I've been having a lot of really great sex recently.
- Uh-huh.
- Let's go bang one out, get my average back in the shitter, where it belongs.
Yeah, you know, I could use some fresh puke on my shoes, - so that'll be good.
- [TAMI LAUGHS.]
Who's this guy? Jason, this is Tami.
Tami, this is my friend Jason.
Lip's my sponsor.
Sponsor? At, uh, AA.
Alcoholics Anonymous.
So you're at this sober? Yeah.
It's nice, right? It's good juice.
I mixed apple and cran.
What, do you collect weird sidekicks? What happened to the last one, that little girl with the Afro? - Her mother took her back.
- [JASON.]
Hmm.
Yeah, running theme today.
Lost my baby too.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
All right.
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
Any of you kids wanna do something fun with your Auntie Tami? - [KIDS.]
Yeah! - [TAMI.]
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, well, who's never smoked a cigarette before? - [KIDS.]
Me! - Oh, you haven't? Okay, well, the first one's the hardest, but you guys are gonna be great.
Come on.
Follow me.
Follow your Auntie Tami.
Well, if you had the time, you could probably get $425K for it.
That's what I was thinking.
But it would cost you $40K in closing costs, plus 120-day escrow, and you don't have that kind of time.
[SIGHS.]
How much is your mortgage? I've got two.
One is What's the total? $292,000.
All right.
I'll give you $292,000 for it.
- Wait, you want to buy it? - [MAX.]
Yeah.
I'll take it off your hands today, in cash, as is, no inspections, close in 30 days.
Could pay off your mortgages and walk away.
And I'll take care of the $25K you owe the partnership so you don't default, but I'm gonna charge you interest on that.
But that-that'll leave me with nothing, Max.
It'll leave you with your credit intact, and you didn't get foreclosed on.
You're pretty, but I'm not a charity.
[Smooth music.]
Baby, I just flew in Tell me what you're doing Wow.
What's all this? I just love and appreciate my beautiful wife, the mother to my wonderful children, and I thought you might like some food that's slightly aphrodisiac-y.
[SMOOTH MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Did you cheat on me? No.
But I did get you a gift.
I like the shape of the box.
Jewelry? Better.
For our future baby.
Our what now? We should have another baby, V.
We always talk, we're gonna have this conversation down the line, and down the line is today.
I want another baby.
Yay.
Hooray? Say something.
So much to say.
No.
Hell no.
Over my dead damn body.
You think I'm fucking getting pregnant again? You said that we were gonna have this conversation down the line.
That's what women say when they mean no.
Down the line, no.
But babies, V.
Baby tushies and-and-and-and baby toesies, baby mullets and baby fat rolls.
You honestly don't feel anything when you look at this? I feel grateful for our two beautiful girls that we can't put in day care without committing identity fraud and making them be the same damn person.
We're too broke to have more kids.
Yes, yes, okay, but look.
I will do everything.
You just have to be inconvenienced for nine months.
Inconvenienced? No, Kev.
N to the fucking O.
[ELEGANT MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
So how long has she been awake, Frank? Thirty-six, 38 hours.
There's a woman wearing plastic bags, and no one's talking about it.
It's gonna get really bad really soon You know, her symptoms.
I can handle the symptoms, Randy.
Listen, no.
Not like this, Frank.
Manic adulations, violent delusions, insomnia.
Self-harm.
You won't understand her diagnosis, but in layman's terms, she's batshit crazy.
Look at this.
She's stabbed me 14 times over the years.
Every time, she was off her meds.
The switch will go off soon, and when it does, you won't know what hit you.
Thank you for the FYI, but I'm a pro.
Well, I wouldn't let myself fall asleep if I were you.
[LAUGHS.]
Be safe, all right? Your super-sad friend had to go, Jabby? Yeah, he's, uh, headed off to a meeting.
Come smoke with me.
There you go.
Thanks.
[LIGHTER CLICKS.]
My family is a lot.
I can't believe you're here voluntarily.
Ah, you want to see a lot? Swing by the Gallagher house sometime.
So last time I saw you, you asked me to dinner.
That offer still good? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
What, you want to go on a date now? Guess so.
Fuck me.
I mean, I must be really hard up.
Come on.
I know a great place, loser.
You're driving.
[Gentle rock music.]
[SIGHS.]
Come on, Rusty.
Let's roll.
Come on.
Come on, Rusty.
Let's go.
What's the matter? You don't wanna leave? [SNIFFS.]
[GLASS SHATTERING.]
- [INGRID YELLS.]
- [GLASS SHATTERING.]
- Ingy? - [GLASS SHATTERING.]
[INGRID.]
Motherfucker! [YELLS.]
I fell asleep.
[GLASS SHATTERING.]
[MAN SPEAKING ITALIAN ON STEREO.]
Hey.
- What's up? - Hey.
- Hi.
Hi.
- [LAUGHING.]
Hi.
I'm just, um, reorganizing my books by years of publication whi-whi-while learning Italian.
[LAUGHS.]
[HALTINGLY.]
[speaking Italian.]
Neat.
I-I heard a, uh A big crash in here.
Did something break? - Oh, no, no, no.
- No? [INGRID.]
No, I, uh I made a snack over there, if-if that's to which you are referring.
Uh maybe it's time for us to get some shuteye.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I c I can't abandon my project.
That is a fool's game.
Winners finish projects.
Honey, do you feel all right? You know, I made a savory snack.
A nice big piece of Brie with some crackers.
You want some? Uh, I'm okay, but thanks.
[MAN.]
[continues speaking Italian.]
Eat the Brie.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO.]
So one older, two younger.
I'm the almost-middle.
Someone's got to be the problem child, right? Are you that one in your family? All Gallaghers are problem children.
This is spicy as hell.
I told you.
Arturo knows what's up.
Yeah.
Anyway, that's what I like about doing hair.
You can change it.
Grows back.
Hair is never the problem child.
[LAUGHS.]
You got a job? Yeah, I, uh, fix bikes.
You know, over at Born Free.
- Mm, that's right, with Brad.
- Yeah.
You know I totally thought he was gay when I first met him? [LAUGHS.]
Actually, I did too.
Mm.
B-T-dubs, all the women in my family die of ovarian cancer by the time they're 50, so I'm only on this Earth for another 25 years or so.
Oh.
That's a pretty intense first date factoid.
Well, gotta take life by the balls.
I agree.
Want to try and fuck me properly this time? - What, like now? - Yeah.
[Upbeat percussive music.]
Yeah.
[GAGS.]
Ugh.
Mm.
Cheers.
We did it.
Crushed it.
Such craftsmanship.
Shall we add the cherry on top? - Oh, yeah.
- Got the Taser right here.
I got the pulley.
Fucking A.
Let's roll.
So there's a loophole for West Point.
It's there in the fine print.
If your academics are not up to snuff, you can submit a personal statement explaining that you've had hardships in the classroom or at home.
Kelly, I'm tired.
Okay, what's been difficult about your life? Just ballpark.
Was growing up on the South Side rough? No, it's awesome here.
Come on, Carl, try.
I want you to get in.
- Why? - Because I want my boyfriend to be West Point, Cadet.
Wait, I'm your boyfriend? Gross.
Yes.
So this is called the Adverse Childhood Experience Study.
All you have to do is answer yes or no, and you get a point for every fucked-up thing that you've lived through.
Okay.
Before your 18th birthday, did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? Yes.
Oh, which one? All four.
That's four points, Carl.
Finally, a test he does well on.
Uh, before your 18th birthday, did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker, alcoholic, or used street drugs? Yes.
Also, I abused and sold street drugs myself.
Wow.
Okay, great.
That's two points.
Uh, before your 18th birthday, was a biological parent ever lost to you through divorce, abandonment, or death? Yeah, all three.
[Upbeat music.]
Carl, you've had tremendous hardships! We-we can write the shit out of this personal essay! They're gonna beg you to go to West Point.
Oh, and I also microwaved a bunny once too.
Excellent.
[LAUGHS.]
- [THUMPING.]
- [TAMI GRUNTING.]
[LIP.]
Almo V ah! [LIP SIGHS.]
[TAMI GROANS.]
[LIP SIGHS.]
So? Eh.
"Eh"? Like, a - six out of ten.
- What? I-I need a breakdown of that scorecard.
I mean, where-where did I lose points on this? Well, it wasn't jabby, per se, but it was fairly thrust-y.
- What? - Thrust, thrust, thrust.
You have to rotate.
Yeah, well, I'd do a hell of a lot better if we were in an actual bed.
I mean, this is, what, the smallest car in America? I mean, I'm cramping up.
Did the cavemen have beds? No.
Did Tarzan? Did that pro surfer I dated? All right, that's it.
That's it.
We're going again, all right, and I'm not letting you out of this car until I get a ten.
This is my car, punk.
Hey, I don't care how long this takes.
Okay, well, wake me when it's over.
All right.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, God.
Oh! [Rock music.]
Evening, my nightcap-swigging brethren.
I'll take a Jamie, double-double.
Heavy, heavy pour.
[GLUMLY.]
Rocks or neat? Well, Jesus, when you say it like that, neither.
What's wrong with you? [TOMMY.]
Troubles with the lady.
Oh, yeah? Me too, Kev.
Since when do you have a lady, Frank? Well, it's fairly recent, but we're going strong.
She does run a bit hot in terms of mental illness, so I had to step out, take some me time while she gets her fire danger level from "catastrophic" to "low-moderate," but damn her blaze is a glorious thing to behold.
[KEV.]
You didn't answer me, so I made it neat.
Haven't seen him like this since that sports team lost the thing I don't care about.
Yeah, he wants another baby.
But V said no, shut him down.
Hey, Kev, I can get you another baby.
What are you willing to spend? What? There's always an extra Gallagher at my house.
Give you two for one.
You know what, Frank? God, I'm so sad, I can't even tell off Frank.
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
Wow, you actually came back.
What do you mean? Of course I came back.
What the hell happened to her? Thorazine.
Had to be done.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ingrid! Ingrid, are you there? - [GROGGILY.]
Hello.
- [RANDY.]
I had to dose her, Frank.
She was a danger to herself.
Come on.
No, babe, come on.
Let's go take a cold shower.
Come on.
[RANDY.]
Frank, Frank.
You came back.
You're better than most, I'll give you that, but you can clock out now.
Thorazine's gonna level her out.
She's not gonna remember most of this, which is for the best.
How is it for the best, Randy? She's drooling.
Frank, 19 years, I've been with this woman.
The only thing more constant than this happening is me being there at the end of it to pick her up.
So you can clock out now.
- [ROCK MUSIC BLARING.]
- Ooh, ooh, ooh You're so electric Ooh, ooh, ooh I'm gonna get it Ooh, ooh, ooh You're so electric All right, all right, all right I am who I wanna be Who I wanna be, who I wanna be I am moving to the beat, moving to the beat Hi, Carl! Hi, Liam! Hi, stranger! Oh! Stranger danger! You've met her before.
This is Kelly.
What the hell are you doing? I'm throwing myself a little welcome-home party.
Wait, you're moving back in? - She's back? - [LIAM.]
Guess so.
Try to get this fucking beef in the oven.
You gotta get in there, beef! Get in there.
Oh, God.
Just gah.
I am who I wanna be Whoo! Who I wanna be, who I wanna be I am moving to the beat Hey, guys.
Turn that off.
No, put my song on! Come follow me.
Farhad's waiting outside.
I have a surprise for you, Fiona.
Kelly, you watch Franny.
Come on, guys! [DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
[SIGHS.]
I looked at the damn sock.
And? And I don't want to have another baby.
I just don't.
Physically, I don't want to do it, Kev.
But I love you.
And if you want to talk about adopting a newborn, we can discuss it.
Yeah, down the line.
No, now.
I'm a yes.
If you want to look into it, I'm a yes.
Really? [Warm guitar music.]
Really? I wonder where I'll be We're gonna have a baby? Not really.
[LAUGHS.]
I wonder where I'll be going Really not gonna drive me home, huh? What, you think just 'cause you got a 9.
5, I'm driving your ass to the South Side? Fair enough.
You know, I haven't fucked that much since seventh grade summer camp.
I'm definitely gonna have a yeast infection tomorrow.
Well, when that clears up, you wanna do this again? Yeah.
I'll bring you the Monistat receipts for reimbursement.
And maybe get some cranberry juice too.
That's for UTis, dumbass.
Don't call me.
Yeah, already forgot your name.
[LAUGHS.]
Sleep well, my love.
Sleep better than well, my peach.
Do you drink, Randy? From time to time, sure.
Must be tough being her self-appointed caretaker all the time, huh? Sometimes, but it defines my life.
- "Defines my life"? - [RANDY.]
Yeah.
Say some more about that.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
I live next to her, work next to her, protect her.
I mean that's a lot.
Thank you.
But love is love.
Love is love, yes.
You think Ingrid wants you to live your life the way you are, entirely about her? - Probably not.
- [FRANK.]
Mm.
But what can I do? What can you do? [LAUGHS.]
And yet you know what I see when I look at you, Ran? I see a strong, bold, beautiful man who needs a break.
- Really? - [FRANK.]
You're not meant to be cooped up, dispensing drugs all day.
You need some you time.
[SCOFFS.]
Ingrid needs me.
Don't worry about her for a second.
What do you want, Randy? [Upbeat music.]
[LAUGHS.]
Wow.
[FRANK.]
What does Randy want? I want to see Mount Fuji, Frank.
I do.
Then you get your goddamn phone right now and book a flight.
You earned it.
- I have? - [FRANK.]
Don't you think Ingrid wants you to live your life? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
You're right.
[LAUGHS.]
God, you're right.
I'm gonna see Mount Fuji.
[FRANK LAUGHS.]
I know.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you.
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't thank me.
Thank yourself.
We did some good work here today Some real breakthroughs.
We're almost there.
[LAUGHS.]
- [WOMAN.]
What the fuck? - [MAN.]
Oh, man! Right here.
[LAUGHS.]
Wait.
Are you ready? - Uh-huh.
- Open up.
- [CAR HORNS BLARING.]
- [MAN.]
That's awesome! Holy fuck, is - is that Ford? - [LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
[WOLF WHISTLE.]
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, nicely done, Debs.
Great job.
Fucking great work.
[FIONA LAUGHS.]
Someone help, please.
Anyone.
Instead of taking videos, could someone help me get down, please, for fuck's sake? Thinking we got a couple minutes before the cops come, so choose quick.
- Paddle, sock full of rocks - Oh-ho! - [LIP.]
Oh.
- paintball gun, or crossbow, if you want to Katniss Everdeen this shit.
[WOMAN.]
Oh, asshole! [MAN.]
Pissed somebody off, man! [FIONA.]
Does a paintball gun hurt? - Oh, fuck yeah.
- Not if you deserve it.
How much ammo I got in this thing? Uh, probably more than you'll ever need.
All right, everybody take cover.
Come on! [Energetic rock music.]
- [CROWD EXCLAIMS.]
- Oh, fuck! [LAUGHS.]
Get him again! - Ah, fuck! Oh! - [PAINTBALL GUN FIRING.]
Fuck you, Ford! [CROWD CHEERING.]
[CARL.]
Fucking awesome.
Ha, ha! Touch the sun, you're gonna get burned.
Burnt.
Ya burnt! [LAUGHS.]
[MAN.]
Ah, shut the hell up! You shut up! I'm a goddamn mermaid! [CHUCKLES.]
Back at the Gallagher house.
[SNIFFLES, SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS, SNIFFLES.]
She comes swinging from the back of the room She's got a killer left jab to show Mow her tight 'cause when the rip up comes Gotta give her what you came to owe Seems so basic when you watch it now