Shameless US s09e08 Episode Script

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far from the Alibi

1 Jesus Christ, it's you again? I guess we've been gone for a while, so here's what happened.
Oh, shit.
[laughing.]
Wait.
You guys invited Jabby? Last time I saw you, you asked me to dinner.
That offer still good? What, you want to go on a date now? You know, I haven't fucked that much since seventh grade summer camp.
You wanna do this again? Yeah.
[rock music.]
- For our future baby.
- Hell no.
Over my dead damn body.
You think I'm fucking getting pregnant again? If you wanna talk about adopting a newborn, we can discuss it.
- We're gonna have a baby? - [laughs.]
Not really.
Major Keefe? He's my dad.
Is that a clip-on tie? Yeah.
I don't know how to tie a real one.
No shit.
There's a loophole for West Point.
It's there in the fine print.
- I want you to get in.
- Why? Because I want my boyfriend to be West Point, Cadet.
- I'm your boyfriend? - Yes.
Since when do you have a lady, Frank? She does run a bit hot in terms of mental illness.
Eat the Brie.
Well, it's not about what it looks like now.
It's about what it's gonna be.
Is this the thing Whitford sucked you into? Don't forget my 25K.
[woman.]
Yeah, you don't have enough revenue to carry a third loan.
Patty and I are separated.
- That didn't look separated to me.
- We're getting a divorce.
Why wouldn't you just tell me that you're married? Take your fucking hands off my car! You know, let's figure this out.
I mean, how deep are you in the hole? I listed my building.
Gonna be an open house at 1 p.
m.
Wait, you wanna buy it? Could pay off your mortgages and walk away.
But that-that'll leave me with nothing, Max.
Back at the Gallagher house.
[sniffles, sighs.]
[chuckles.]
[rock music.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [jaunty music.]
[phone alarm beeping.]
[groans.]
[sighs.]
Oh, you feel it creep Creeping at the tempo Don't you need it pump Pumpin' till it crumble Trouble, trouble's what you need Oh, Christ.
That's what you gettin' with me What you need From the bottom of your So-o-o-oul Shame, shame, shame, shame Devil woman wants to roll, ooh I can make you shake Rattle your bones [watch alarm beeping.]
- Carl? - Hmm? We gotta go.
The major will be up soon.
Man, I slept like a rock.
Me too.
I love sleeping outside.
We don't really have a choice.
Shut up.
I can't help it if I'm loud.
Rattle your bones Move it.
We're gonna get caught.
[sassy horn music.]
Wow, wow, wow, wow Shake it, shake it up Uh-huh, shake it up I'ma stir it up Like a cherry in the cup Shake it, shake it up, uh-huh, shake it up I'ma stir it up like a cherry in the Cup, ooh It's that time of night and, ooh The feeling's right and, ooh If you want to change it up Come shake it up with me Shake it, shake it up, uh-huh, shake it up I'ma stir it up like a cherry in the cup Shake it, shake it up, uh-huh, shake it up I'm a stir it up like a cherry in the Cup Stop staring at me, weirdo.
[laughs.]
- I'm fucking hungry.
- Yeah.
[door opens.]
Oh.
- You forget how to knock? - Sorry.
Thought you were asleep.
[scoffs.]
- What are you what the hell? - I'm out.
- So you use mine? - Thank you.
Hey, Jabby.
Jabby? Fuck.
Kick, kick it up, uh-huh, let's kick it up Money on the floor - [Debbie.]
Morning.
- [door slams.]
Yep.
[Debbie.]
What time did you get home last night? I don't know.
Late.
Ah! Sorry.
Good morning, go-getters.
[Fiona.]
Does anyone else wanna come in this bathroom while I'm in the shower? Should we invite the neighbors? I gotta piss like a racehorse.
Ugh! [urine trickling.]
[groans.]
Shake it, shake it up, uh-huh, shake it up I'ma stir it up like a cherry in the cup - [Byron.]
Hey.
- Morning.
[woman.]
Morning, Jabby.
- Seriously? - Aw, is Jabby grumpy this morning? Here you go.
Oh, thanks.
Yep.
Five bucks.
Or you can just net-net it.
- Five bucks? - Dude.
It's single origin.
Hey, I'm gonna hit a spin class before work.
- You wanna come? - Do I look like I spin? Hey, Jabby, if you're gonna be here every night, I'm gonna need you to start pitching in for rent.
What? No.
I mean, Byron practically lives here.
He's never paid a dime.
- I buy the coffee.
- Okay.
What is your actual job, Byron? [woman.]
Byron is designing an app.
Byron's a feckless little bitch.
- Hey, watch it.
- You watch it.
Okay, why don't we all breathe? - Breathe a dick, Byron.
- [woman laughs.]
Later, Major.
Hey, sports fan.
[chuckles.]
Destroyer escort.
Kola class.
USSR.
CVA Kitty Hawk.
USA.
SSN Nautilus.
USA.
Sea Wolf.
Damn it.
Tie up your loose ends, sailor.
[rock music.]
Yes, sir.
Have fun at softball camp today.
See you tonight.
My manager's slackin' So I gotta move quick I'm lackin' in natural gifts I'm an ugly motherfucker But I work hella harder And you can write a blog about it Can't knock the hustle Ooh-hoo Can't knock the hustle Yeah, yeah - [pounding on door.]
- [Kermit.]
Open up, Kev.
We got a line out here.
Oh, look who's here.
- Good morning.
- Excited to see you too.
- Morning, Hazel.
- Gentlemen.
[Veronica.]
All right, we should get going.
We're gonna be late.
- Where you guys going? - Today is the day I finally get a son.
But don't worry, Hazel's gonna make sure you're not sober.
- But you already got a kid.
- Two of 'em.
Yeah, a foster kid.
Finally got approved.
- How old is he? - Twelve.
- His name is Santiago.
- I wanted a baby, but there was a really long waiting list, so we're gonna get an older one for now.
But I finally get the son I never had.
Little League games.
Boxing.
Tagging trains.
You know you can do all that with the girls, right? [Tommy.]
Be nice to have an older kid around.
Yeah, he can help watch the girls.
Good idea.
I can't wait to leave my children with some random 12-year-old boy.
V, he's not some random 12-year-old boy.
He's our random 12-year-old boy.
We're gonna need a man cave.
Beer on tap.
TVs.
A bar.
- What do you call this? - Work.
All right, we gotta go.
Let's hit it.
- Have fun.
- Hazel, we will be back.
[Hazel.]
Breakfast, boys.
[Carl.]
Greatest war movie of all time.
- [Kelly.]
Nope.
- No? What do you mean? There are too many different kinds.
Are-are you talking World War II? Vietnam? Gulf War? And then are you talking invasion, special ops, or a specific battle? Hell, submarine movies are their own category.
Okay, what's your favorite submarine - Hunt for Red October.
- Over Crimson Tide? - Yes, although Das Boot - Hold on hold Stop the truck.
Look at all these scooters.
They're not even locked up.
'Cause people don't own them.
They share them.
- They share them? - Yeah, they pay to use them, and then they leave them wherever when they're done.
That's stupid.
I could just steal 'em, sell 'em on the South Side, make a good buck.
It has a GPS tracker in it.
[sighs.]
I can get rid of that in, like, two minutes.
You know how many LoJacks I've gotten rid of before? [twangy guitar music.]
Okay.
That's hot.
What's going on? Getting ready to knock it down.
[Fiona.]
What? Why? Making room for condos.
Gonna take up the whole block.
No shit.
[scoffs.]
I used to own this building.
Yeah? I used to own Sears Tower.
[Debbie.]
Hey.
Nice, thanks for getting breakfast.
If I was at softball camp right now, I'd be running laps.
Suckers.
What are you guys up to today? [Carl.]
Oh, you know, same old, same old junk food, binge, junk food, nap.
Uh, run through the sprinkler.
Work on my essay.
- Still watching Dexter? - [Kelly.]
Nah, finished it.
- Now we're on Friends.
- Nice, what's next? On to G.
Gilmore Girls.
I'm living the dream.
Hey, knock-knock.
- [Debbie.]
Hey.
- Hi.
Morning.
Hello, beautiful.
[chuckles.]
Okay, let's go.
[Kelly.]
Where are you going? Uh, don't know.
Ingrid? It's a surprise.
I love surprises! Liam was one.
Where's my Egg McMuffin? - Frank.
- Ugh.
What the hell? [switch clicking.]
Fuck.
[rock music playing over radio.]
[vacuum droning.]
Morning, Dottie.
You have power? [TV playing indistinctly.]
Morning, Ms.
Sink.
You have power too? Who's asking? It's Debbie.
From down the street.
Mind your business.
We're the only ones without power.
We forget to pay the bills? I don't know.
Fiona pays them.
I'll call her.
[cell phone ringing.]
[ringing stops.]
$475,000.
Max, you motherfucker.
You sold my building.
Hey.
We are out of a ton of stuff.
Eggs, straws, ground beef, hash browns, tomatoes, blah, blah, blah.
But I ordered it, 'cause I take initiative.
It'll be here today.
Also, the ice machine's broken.
But don't worry.
I handled it.
The guy's on his way.
I'm good at my job.
And I say this 'cause I love my fellow employees, hopefully you're getting our paychecks out tomorrow? Yep.
Thanks.
You okay? Yeah.
I'm tired.
[Ingrid.]
Okay.
- We're here.
- [chuckles.]
Are you ready? Yep.
Ready.
Ready.
Okay.
Surprise! Where? I froze my eggs.
They're in here.
You want to see 'em up close? Oh, yes.
Let me see my babies.
[rock music.]
Hi.
[chuckles.]
All my life, all I ever wanted was to be a mother.
But Randy was always so against it.
Wouldn't even talk about it.
But now I have you.
You've given me a second chance.
- I have? - Mm.
Frank would you fertilize my eggs? Are you kidding me? I would be honored to introduce my little Frankies to your little Ingrids.
- Oh, Frank.
- [chuckling.]
Thank you so much.
[Debbie.]
But we never got a bill.
No, I'm not still at 4503 Wolfcrest.
That's my sister's old address.
Oh, well, is that where you sent the bill? Okay, well, that makes sense.
Thank you.
[Kev.]
Are you sure this is the right place? [Veronica.]
This is the address she gave me.
Casa De Oro.
Yep.
This is the place.
[exhales deeply.]
Can I help you? Yeah, uh, we're here to see May? Great, have a seat and I'll let her know you're here.
Thank you.
[Veronica.]
Excuse me.
These remind me of my group home.
Aw, they gave you candy? It was our supper.
[children speaking Spanish.]
[speaking Spanish.]
They look like runners.
I bet they're on the track team or something.
Do we get to name him after he's ours? I don't know.
Little Kev.
[chuckles.]
- Kevin Jr.
- Hmm! KJ.
Ooh, that's good.
KJ Ball.
KJ Ball? Are you kidding me? Sounds like a sports name if I ever heard one.
God, I hope he plays baseball.
What if he plays soccer? V, do not ruin this for me right now, okay? [scoffs.]
No one's playing soccer.
You're a gift from above You're a gift from above Child, you were sent here to love Ooh, show them all love Baby, shower your love Baby, all we really need is love They say you can't have nice things And your soles will be worn 'Cause your dirt road ain't paved Your clothes and your self-worth are torn But, baby, you got a song to sing So to hell with that, just shout Saucer on the counter.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
[coins clattering.]
[sighs.]
Sweet Jesus.
Hi.
Pardon me.
Ugh! [scoffs.]
Hey, not the sound you wanna hear when you're eating in a restaurant.
What's up? Have you seen the gum under all the tables? - No.
- It's disgusting.
You know, what do you guys do? Make sure to chew gum on your way over? Like, "Going to Patsy's.
Better chew some gum so I can shove it up under the tables?" Sorry.
God.
- [Fiona.]
Ugh.
- She okay? I'm not sure.
- She's acting kinda crazy.
- Little bit.
[grinder whirring.]
What'd they say? Two and a half months past due.
- That's not that bad.
- Not that bad? Do you not pay your bills or something? We don't use electricity.
It's against the Koran.
- Really? - No, it's a joke.
You think Muslims don't believe in electricity? So they gonna turn the power back on or what? Yeah, once I pay them $800 plus a reactivation fee plus a past due charge.
Fuckers.
That's extortion.
Yeah, no shit.
Would you like me to send a suicide bomber? [chuckles.]
Sweet of you to offer, but no, thanks.
I think I'll just pay it.
Suit yourself.
None of the other bills have been paid either gas, cable, water.
- Whoops.
- [grinders whirring.]
[rock music playing over radio.]
- [Lip.]
Hey.
- [Brad.]
What's up, Tami? Boys.
I found a cool apartment I want to show you.
Wanna check it out? Uh yeah, no, I would.
I'm just, uh you know, working.
Well, you get a lunch break, don't you? Uh, no, not really.
What the hell, Brad? You don't give your employees a lunch break? We got work to do.
We kinda just eat whenever we can.
[laughing.]
What a dick.
Hey, Gordon Ramsay, this isn't Hell's Kitchen.
You know, people get lunch breaks.
You should unionize.
Really? Come on.
Let's eat.
He'll be back in an hour.
It's your sister-in-law.
Yeah, and he's a Brad.
Now all we gotta do is wait.
I can't believe nobody's ever thought of this.
Yeah, you know, if these people can afford to pay for yoga, they can afford to pay me to rent a scooter.
[grunts.]
Uh excuse me, um I think you have my scooter in the back of your truck.
Your scooter? Nah, these are public scooters.
We gotta share 'em.
Yeah, you're not sharing them.
You're hogging them.
Well, I'm happy to rent you one.
- Ten bucks.
- What? No, I that that's extortion.
Technically it's racketeering, but sure.
Okay.
I'll call Better Business Bureau.
Okay.
Whatever the fuck that is.
Come on.
We need these to go get a boba.
And I, for one, am not walking.
Yeah, we're going to get boba.
Well, maybe if you took a walk every once in a while, you wouldn't have to spend 25 bucks on yoga.
I need a scooter, dude.
I just did an hour of hot yoga.
I don't know what to tell you, dude.
- They're already on the truck.
- Them's the rules.
Fine.
Ten bucks.
- It's 15 now.
- What? Yeah, 'cause you're ungrateful.
You know what? This is such bullshit.
This neighborhood's going to shit.
Fuck this.
I'm out.
- Thank you for your business.
- Mm.
We good? So far.
We're very excited.
Need both of your initials everywhere there's a blank.
Be right back.
[child crying.]
Oh, this is good.
[people speaking Spanish.]
This is Santiago.
Santiago [speaking Spanish.]
They are your new adoptive parents.
Doesn't speak a word of English.
- No problem.
- Great.
No problemo.
He knows the national anthem, though.
Oh, say, can you see By the dawn's early light That's beautiful.
- What so proudly - This is gonna be so great.
- We hailed - So great.
Living area.
Master bedroom.
Stainless steel appliances.
This place is huge.
I don't need this much space.
Hey, just look at it.
See the outside? Your own private patio? - Yeah.
- So you can smoke.
Look, if I get an apartment, it's gonna be a studio.
Fine.
But I'm not fucking on some daybed next to a kitchenette.
Why not? We also offer a large amount of community amenities state-of-the-art gym, sauna, quartz crystal fire pit.
What, like a grill? No, no, like, on our rooftop social area.
We got a 50-inch outdoor fire pit.
Good for hanging out with your friends during the winter.
Drink some rosé.
Chill.
Why would I want to freeze outside when I could be inside? There's heat lamps, buddy.
Okay.
[whispering.]
Yo, yo, yo.
All right.
I'm gonna tell you something.
But when I tell you, don't look, all right? Okay.
This guy has maybe the biggest dick I've ever seen.
How do you know? It's bulging through his pants.
It's like a fucking balloon animal.
Don't look, though.
Don't look.
Whoa.
- You like? - Dude.
No way that's real.
It's real.
Bullshit.
You seriously walk around with a giant rubber dildo in your pants? Come on.
We gotta go.
I can't live here, all right? - If you don't believe me - Hey, no, we believe you, man.
- We believe you, okay? - That's not real.
- It's not.
- Either way, I don't want that guy fixing my sink.
[smooth hip-hop music.]
[Kelly.]
Hey, champ.
Need a scooter? Go to hell.
We got one left.
Yeah, man.
You look exhausted.
You know, you guys are assholes.
[Kelly.]
Assholes with scooters.
You want one? Do you really have nothing better to do? Hey, you're the one that's walking around in the middle of the day.
Yeah, at least we're racketeering.
We're still here.
[laughs.]
That was totally worth it.
We should run over that fucker.
[laughs.]
Mr.
Gallagher? There's a collection room around the corner, and this is for your semen collection.
My semen collection.
A new line of menswear.
Peacoats.
Captain's hats.
Just get your stuff inside the cup.
And make sure you wash and rinse your hands thoroughly beforehand.
Things to look at? There will be some material in the restroom if you need it.
Thank you.
I'm going to the bank.
What about gum patrol? Keep an eye.
See you later.
- [Ilya.]
My favorite customer.
- What's up, Ilya? What is up? You know.
Living American dream.
- Huh.
- My own store.
What can I say? Yeah.
Can I get a half pint of Stoli, Marlboro Silvers, and a scratcher, please? The crossword one.
Russian lunch.
Yeah.
No.
That's joke.
Not really Russian lunch.
We like many foods.
Do you need matches? No.
Nobody ever needs matches.
If you say so.
That's twenty-eight.
Here's your change.
See you tomorrow.
You bet.
- That was quick.
- Here's the thing.
That material, as you call it, is subpar.
It's from the '70s.
It's on videotape, for Christ's sake.
The women have pubic hair.
I feel like I'm watching my parents have sex.
It actually made me sad.
So needless to say, my cup is empty, as is my desire.
Do you have anything else? Something from the early '90s? Some Nina Hartley? Racquel Darrian, perhaps? - Sorry.
- What about crazy? You got any videos of crazy people having sex? No, sir.
That's all we have.
Okay.
Work with me here.
What about my girlfriend? Could I bring Ingrid in to help me bust a-a collection? That would be fine, but you both need to thoroughly, thoroughly wash and rinse your hands.
And saliva and/or lubricant are prohibited, as they will pollute the sample.
Fine.
Thank you, Dawn.
I'm off to Spunkytown.
[sighs.]
Why are we looking at apartments? Uh, 'cause you still live with your brothers and sisters in a sad house? - [laughs.]
- So? You live with two bitches and Byron.
- Is that better? - No, it's not.
That's why you need a place.
What, you want to move in together? [laughs.]
No, in your dreams.
No, all I'm saying is, one of us needs to have an apartment so that we have a fuck pad.
So man up.
Get your own place.
Why don't you get your own place? I can't.
My name's on the lease.
- Those bitches sublet.
- All right, well, I can't either.
You know, I don't have your life single-origin coffee, spin class, Murphy's Bleachers - I live in West Town.
- So what? So you hate staying at my apartment.
I hate sleeping at your place.
We gotta figure something out.
[sighs.]
All right, you know, I've been thinking about turning our basement into a bedroom.
Okay, is it nice? No, but it could work.
All right.
We just we gotta figure something out before I murder Byron.
Guy's a vegetarian.
- He wears pajamas.
- That guy's an asshole.
Also, we used to date.
What? How? I was experimenting, okay? Instead of a lesbian, I chose Byron.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Ugh, I know.
Blegh.
Look.
I'm not getting an apartment right now, but, uh, let's stay at my house tonight and we'll see if the basement'll work.
Fine.
Okay, but If I'm staying in that dump, we gotta make some changes.
All right.
What are you getting here? Uh, Chicago dog.
Cool.
Get me one too.
Hey, everyone.
I'd like you to meet our son, Santiago.
Santiago these people.
- Cheers.
- Welcome.
- Hi.
- Does he speak English? Uh, no.
But he sings it.
He knows how to sing "The Star-Spangled Banner.
" Oh, say - Sorry.
- Can you see By the dawn's early light He really, really loves this song.
Yeah, sang it all the way home.
What so proudly we hailed At the twilight's last gleaming Whose broad stripes and bright stars Through the perilous fight O'er the ramparts we watched Were so gallantly streaming Oh, say, does that star-spangled Banner yet wave O'er the land Of the free And the home Of the Brave [cheers and applause.]
Hey, Tommy, you know Spanish, right? From your job sites and shit? Yeah, a little bit.
Can you talk to Santiago for us? - Sure.
- Thanks, man.
Santiago.
Andale.
Trabajo.
Vámonos.
Really? Sorry, that's all I know.
- [Frank moaning.]
- [Ingrid.]
You little spaceman.
You dirty little astronaut.
- [slap.]
- [Frank.]
Ouch.
[Ingrid.]
Where's your rocket, bitch? - [Frank.]
Okay, yeah, yeah.
- [slap.]
- [Ingrid.]
Ooh! - [Frank.]
Yeah, there we go.
- [Ingrid.]
There, we see it now.
- [Frank.]
That worked.
- Yeah.
Oh, Houston.
- [Ingrid.]
Okay.
Okay.
[Frank.]
Houston, we have liftoff.
[Ingrid.]
That's right.
There we go now.
- [Frank.]
Look at that.
- [Ingrid.]
You're gonna go.
- [Frank.]
Get the bottle! - [Ingrid.]
I got it! I got it! - I got it.
- [Frank.]
Okay.
[Ingrid.]
Blastoff! [Frank.]
Mm.
I recently lost my father to a skydiving accident.
The propeller.
I can't talk about it.
He was all I had.
If you take away my cable, oh, I might have to hang myself.
You're evil.
[energetic electronic music.]
Hey, Carpool.
[lighter flicks.]
[sighs.]
Fucking Max Whitford.
It's a hell of a view.
Yeah.
You know what I love about afternoon? Evening is just around the corner.
Happy hour.
Everybody's in a good mood.
And then right after that, nighttime.
You get to celebrate the end of another day.
So how'd you wind up here? - You mean homeless? - Mm-hmm.
I was a music producer.
- No shit, really? - Yeah.
Big-time.
Jazz.
What happened? MP3s killed the industry.
[laughs.]
Hey.
[chuckles.]
[upbeat music.]
Hey, I won two bucks.
No shit.
Awesome.
Prison cell and paradise Should've kept my dirty laundry And my hands to myself I gave you every reason I did a bad, bad thing Hi.
Unfortunately I can only pay half right now.
But please don't turn off my gas.
It's the only way I can heat up the MREs my husband sends me from Yemen for our daughter.
Actually, I was hoping you could give me a break on the late fees.
You see, I was recently diagnosed with I don't want to bore you with the details.
But I only have a few months left to live.
As a proud organ donor, all of these will be up for grabs pretty soon.
Except for the colon.
Not the colon.
I did a bad, bad thing All right, we have the results back from your sperm analysis.
Fantastic.
Wait, I want Ingrid to-to hear this.
Uh, uh, I-I wouldn't.
I-I'm afraid your motility score, which is the percentage of sperm that are moving, is very low.
In fact, you had only one motile sperm.
What? How is that possible? - One.
- Bet it's a fighter, though.
- Right? - He's barely moving.
You also have a very low concentration of sperm in your semen.
Are-are you sure you tested the right sperm? I'm as fertile as a bumblebee.
I got six ungrateful kids to prove it.
Well, take a look.
Is this slow motion? I wish.
The rest are dead.
Look at him.
Jesus.
Poor little bastard has no idea.
Are you currently taking any medications? Well y-yeah, there's the anti-rejection medication I take for my liver transplant.
The occasional random pharmaceutical.
That could be affecting your motility and concentration.
Uh, sometimes prescriptions can negatively affect the sperm count.
I'm sorry, but we won't be able to successfully fertilize Ingrid's eggs with your sperm.
Can I have another chance? I-I really think they were lethargic because of the sterile environment.
If I could do it at home with some decent visual aids, I think you'd really see what my boys can do.
- [hip-hop music.]
- What, what Who do it better Tell me, who do it better Take the cup.
But we need the specimen back within two hours of it exiting the body.
And it needs to be kept warm, so keep it close to the body.
And please don't use any condoms or lubricant, as those negatively affect the sample.
No condoms.
No lube.
Two hours.
Got it.
What'd she say? Tell me.
- It's all good news.
- Really? That's great.
But they-they're not gonna fertilize the eggs just yet.
Why not? They-they just want to observe the sperm for a couple hours, you know, so they can select the strongest swimmers.
So I was gonna pop out and run a few quick errands.
Perfect.
I'm so happy.
Hey, I left my debit card at home.
Could you spot me some walking-around money? I'll pay you back.
Oh, sure.
Of course.
Here you go.
- You're perfect.
- Mm.
- Thanks for driving.
- No problem.
There she is.
Hi.
Hi, pretty girl.
- Did you miss me? - [Franny giggles.]
Do you remember Farhad? Say, "Hi, Farhad.
" - Beer? - [Debbie.]
Yes.
Thanks.
Jesus, why is it so cold? Beer doesn't need to be cold.
It's delicious enough as it is.
Five? What the fuck? Carl! [Carl.]
What? What? Could you come to the kitchen, please? Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt nap time.
No.
It woke us up when the power came back on.
Scared the shit out of us.
Yeah, you're welcome.
I took care of the bills, by the way.
Cost 1,700 bucks.
- Damn.
- Yeah.
You can pay me back.
I've been giving Fiona money for the bills.
So has Lip.
She just hasn't been paying them.
Just because Lip and I both have jobs doesn't mean we're gonna be paying for everything now.
Especially now that Ian is in prison and Frank is Frank.
So the squirrel fund is back.
Everyone needs to step up.
Damn.
Debbie has the con.
[TV playing indistinctly.]
He is a hard worker.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Tommy.
Now I can't get him to stop.
Hey, can I borrow him? My mom's yard looks like shit.
Did-did he come with a leaf blower? [Kev.]
Santiago.
Baseball? Good catch, buddy.
Toss it back to me now.
[exhales deeply.]
[inspiring music.]
[crowd cheering.]
Kid brought the heat.
Oh, my God, he's got a cannon.
This is gonna be the best summer ever.
I am so proud of you.
You remember Mrs.
Hernandez from the dry cleaners'? Of course.
How you doing, Mrs.
Hernandez? I'm fine, thank you.
Mrs.
Hernandez, this is Santiago, the boy I was telling you about.
Mrs.
Hernandez, we were wondering, though, if you could ask some questions of Santiago for us.
His favorite snacks.
- His favorite movies.
- Favorite toys.
- Okay.
- [speaking Spanish.]
Hola.
Ask him if he knows how to throw a changeup.
He crossed the border with his father and sister.
They were looking for asylum, but they got separated.
And now he doesn't know where they are.
Hmm.
Wait, he has family here? They come here 'cause they're afraid to be killed.
[Kev.]
Well, he's ours now.
We signed the paperwork.
And I love him.
We can't keep this kid.
Yes, we can.
He has an amazing arm.
He has a family.
[sighs.]
Mmm.
Damn.
These are tasty.
All we ever had at my house was trail mix and oranges.
Can I have another beer? Yeah, sure.
Damn.
Why are these warm? One? It's supposed to be at five.
What the fuck? You know, I got the GPS out of this thing, but it still won't work.
Hmm.
Wait, hold on a second.
- What's up? - Their website says that if you recharge the scooters, - they'll pay you.
- How much? Uh, between five and 20 a scooter? - Per scooter? - What? - Holy shit.
- All you gotta do is sign up.
And find a bunch of them bitches, though.
I can help you.
How you two doing? Fine.
Yeah? How 'bout you? How you doing? Great.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Hey, could I talk to you upstairs? I'll be right back.
All right, what do you want, Frank? Kelly seems nice.
A little sad.
Yeah, well, she's not sad.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I recognize that vacant stare.
I've known a lot of women, Carl.
And that woman is not getting what she wants in bed.
Shut up, Frank.
You know what it is.
She wants sex.
Ten times a day.
Not fucking snack time.
Act like a Gallagher, for the love of God.
Okay, I can have sex anytime, anywhere.
Oh, bullshit.
I got 20 bucks that says you can't go in that bathroom That's a hundred.
Holy crap.
Well, 20 of it says you can't go in that bathroom right now and rub one out in under three minutes.
I'm trying to help you.
If that woman downstairs yells, "Jump," you better answer, "How hard?" Make it a hundred.
No.
The bet's 20.
No, wait.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Okay.
Fine.
It's all right.
Jesus Christ.
A hundred.
- What the fuck is that? - I gotta have proof.
You want me to come in there with you and watch? [upbeat music.]
Under three minutes.
- No lube, no saliva.
- No problem.
Hey, Carl.
Remember the time we walked in on Aunt Ginger and saw her tits? [Carl.]
Hey, Frank.
Shut the fuck up.
Were they something? Been watching this thing on the, uh, nature channel about hippopotamuses, their balls All right, all right.
That's just cheating.
Their dicks are about two feet long.
Sorta pink.
Slimy pink things.
Big bulbous head on it.
[whistle blowing.]
Ladies and gentlemen, if I can have your attention, please.
[rock music playing over radio.]
[sighs.]
This is a jar full of gum from under the tables.
Yeah.
Yummy.
Is this a reprimand? No.
I'm a fun person.
I like to have fun.
So whoever can correctly guess how many pieces of chewing gum are in this jar wins a 12-pack.
We will pass the jar around.
You can write down your guesses and hand 'em in to your server.
[rock music.]
An 11-pack.
[chuckles.]
Thought you could take control Betrayin' players all Whoa, yeah Thought we would close our eyes As you plan our demise Whoa, yeah And so you find out when we'll bring this to an end 'Cause we will make a stand Sure, we will make a stand Tell me what you're thinking 'Cause I know you feel the same Yeah, tell me what you're thinkin' 'Cause I know you feel the same There ain't no other option But to find Another way You could get another shift tomorrow night, maybe.
- [Farhad.]
I hope so.
- [Lip.]
Hey, Debs.
- Hi.
- All right - There you go.
- Thanks.
Yeah, I can get you more if you need, all right? - [Lip.]
What's up, Farhad? - What's up, man? - This is Farhad.
- Don't-care-had.
Nice to meet you.
And I'm going home.
[Lip.]
All right, I'll see you later.
- Thanks, Debs.
- [Debbie.]
See you guys.
[sighs.]
Huh.
So what do you think? I mean, this could work, right? You know, when you said basement, I was like, "The only people who live in basements are serial killers or 14-year-olds.
" This is way worse.
Smells like something died down here.
Oh, yeah.
Lots of things died down here.
Were they babies? No.
Dogs.
Ah.
[scoffs.]
Was this also a homeless encampment? Kinda.
Okay, was Silence of the Lambs filmed down here? I mean, where's the pit? You know, it's actually out back.
Come on, I'll show you.
Come on.
Finally.
The chance to have what everyone else has.
Children.
You've given me that, Frank.
I don't know that I can ever thank you enough.
Should we say a little prayer? That's a great idea.
I'll do it, since I was Catholic.
- [clears throat.]
- Mm.
Heavenly Father, sweet Mary, that donkey, little drummer boy, as my swimmers swim through the valley of the shadow of death, may they fear no evil.
May my rod and my staff have power and glory forever and ever, amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
That was beautiful.
Hello, Doctor.
Frank, Ingrid.
How are we looking? It's a miracle.
Your motility and concentration scores are through the roof.
- [laughing.]
- Whoo-hoo! Some of the highest I've ever seen.
Yeah.
So my boys can swim, eh? Swim? [Ingrid.]
Whoa.
- [Frank.]
Hello, laddies.
- [Ingrid gasps.]
Half of them tried to leap out of the Petri dish.
That's my boys.
So, uh, you think our chances are good? - I'm extremely optimistic.
- Whew.
Thank you.
That's amazing.
Th-thank you, Dr.
Kwan.
Don't thank me.
Thank Frank.
Frank, thank you.
- Thank you.
- You bet.
Thank you.
[Tami.]
You guys have got to start living like grown-ups, and that starts in the bathroom.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, okay, okay.
So you've got, uh, a bottle of dishwashing liquid in the shower and a bar of soap with five different colors of pubes on it.
Wait, you guys can't all share one bar of soap.
No, no, I don't.
That's why I have the dishwashing liquid.
Is that why you always smell like lemons? Yeah, I like lemons.
[chuckles.]
Once you're in your 20s, you should have at least two bath towels that match.
Now that I'm in my 20s, I'm just glad I'm not in fucking jail.
[chuckles.]
Fair.
Cheers.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
[sighs.]
Oh, uh, miss? Hi.
Um, I asked for no dressing.
- You sure? - Yeah, positive.
Yeah, this dressing contains mayonnaise, and I'm allergic to eggs.
I'm allergic to people with allergies.
You don't hear me whining.
[chuckles.]
Excuse me? I'd like to speak to the manager.
Okay.
Hi.
You wanted to speak to the manager? What seems to be the problem? - You're the manager? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, you're rude.
- Okay.
- Oh, no, are you leaving? - Yeah.
And I'm never coming back.
Okay, 'cause what I could really use are some more customers who are allergic to food.
Bye.
[Tami.]
This is alive.
[Lip.]
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me see.
- What are you doing? - Sterilizing it.
Just a minute.
Kills the bacteria.
No, you guys.
That's a myth.
It actually creates super bacteria, which is even more dangerous.
Oh, you see, we're a bit more worried about super-tweaky meth freaks, so Okay, well, sponges are, like, five for a dollar, so you shouldn't have a maintenance plan for your sponge.
When it gets dirty, just throw it away.
[Debbie.]
Gotcha.
Do you guys reuse your Q-tips? No, don't answer that.
Also, there's one more thing.
- What is this? - It's a box of clean underwear.
Yeah, we share our underwear.
I don't have time to fold.
Do you, Debs? - Nope.
- Oh.
Okay.
All right, I'm a little surprised I have to say this, but you guys should each have your own underwear.
Why do you give a shit? No one's asking you to stay here.
You can go.
We had a mom once.
She didn't stick around.
Okay, sorry.
I was just making a suggestion.
So was I.
Hey, I thought I was the angry one.
- What are you doing? - Vampire power.
Appliances use electricity just from being plugged in.
So that's why I'm going to make sure shit stays unplugged from now on.
- [Tami.]
That's smart.
- [Lip.]
Whoa, watch out.
- Whoa, Jesus.
- What's up? - [Debbie.]
Hi.
- Here.
- Where'd you get this from? - [Carl.]
Yeah, I won a bet.
[Debbie.]
God, you guys, seriously.
We do not need this fan plugged in.
I could fly a fucking kite in here.
What what the hell is going on? So for every one of these we recharge, we make, like, 15 bucks.
So we're gonna go out every single day, - collect 'em, and recharge 'em.
- Mm-hmm.
- Carl.
- What? I just paid an $800 electric bill.
You cannot be charging scooters in here.
Power's not free.
I'm not using our power.
[rock music.]
Got your mind on a mission A sick city vision The sun and moon are kissing for you Hey Just so you know, this is considered stealing.
Hey, just so you know, the people that live here have a sign in their front yard that says "Drive like your kids live here.
" Plug that fucker in.
Hey, gotta get down, gotta shake it to the ground I'm a runaround All right, turn this into more drinks, please.
Evening, dream team.
Can I get a a beer and a bump? - What? - That's my stool.
[laughs.]
Well, tough shit.
Looks like it's my stool now.
Come on, it's my stool.
That's where I sit.
Come on, let me sit here.
Get fuck.
All right, fine.
Jesus.
Who's the new barback? [Veronica.]
That's Santiago.
He's staying with us until we find his father.
Wh-where'd he come from? [Kev.]
What we thought was Child Services.
Santiago said that there are 1,000 boys living there.
Got separated from their families.
Crying, sleeping on the floor.
Wearing tinfoil blankets.
- What the fuck? - It's like the Trail of Tears.
I don't remember exactly what that was, but they wouldn't call it that if they weren't crying.
Well, they are here illegally.
[Veronica.]
They were escaping violence.
They came to Chicago to escape violence? I don't see what the big deal is.
They got some hot meals, somewhere to sleep.
It's kind of like a summer camp for them.
It's gotta be better than where they came from.
Yeah, Tommy, it's a regular fucking country club.
What are you doing? I am not with you on this.
They got separated from their parents.
You know, their lives were so shitty that they risked everything to come to this country, of all places.
Yeah, land of the free.
Home of the brave.
Yeah, at least the brave part is still true.
- Oh, say - No, no.
Silencio.
Por favor.
Silencio.
Can I buy you a drink? Yes.
Hey, pump the brakes, cool breeze.
- She's had enough.
- [Fiona.]
What? Let the guy buy me a drink if he wants to buy a girl a drink.
Two rum and diets, please.
- Do you wanna party? - Sure.
No.
Nope, no, no.
Nope.
Nope, nope, no.
Come on.
- What'd I do? - I don't like you.
[man.]
But I dropped something.
[faint scratching.]
What the fuck is that? What? What? That scratching noise.
[silence.]
I don't hear anything.
Something is crawling around inside your walls.
It's probably rats the size of toasters.
- [faint scratching.]
- There, that.
There it is again.
[squeaking.]
[silence.]
There.
Fixed it.
[Kev.]
Hey, Gallaghers.
Got a present for ya.
[groans.]
Now what? [soft rock music.]
[Carl.]
Shit.
Jesus.
[Veronica.]
She's fine.
Just passed out.
Sweet dreams, baby girl.
Well, she's all yours.
We gotta get back to the bar.
- Thanks, guys.
- [Lip.]
Thanks.
She do this a lot? [Lip.]
Yeah.
Well, lately.
[Santiago singing "The Star- Spangled Banner" in Spanish.]