Shining Vale (2022) s02e05 Episode Script

Chapter Thirteen: The Miracle

[PAT] Previously on Shining Vale
[VALERIE] Whatever's
plaguing your mother
will eventually come after you.
Wear this medal. It'll offer protection.
[RYAN] My mom always wore hers,
but she wasn't wearing it when she died.
[SANDY] Are you still in touch
with your friend Ryan?
[GAYNOR] He lives
with his cool uncle in L.A.
I might be pregnant.
I'm just focusing on work.
- Fuck off.
- I'm Ennio, from Italy.
[NELLIE] I'm writing a book
about how asylums abuse women.
Who are you?
- I'm Nellie.
I'm Daisy. I used to live here.
- [JAKE] What the hell?
- [DAISY] Jake
- Oh, boy.
My Leo is an angel. He was stillborn.
I'm the worst mom.
Maybe, but you're a genius writer.
You'll have to come speak
at our book club.
[PAT] Sounds great.
- Your dad and I are separating.
- Thank fucking Jesus.
I want two Christmases.
I think you're still hooked
on your wife.
[PAT] This isn't a fucking dream!
Oh, no. They got you, too?
You're fucking kidding me.
Okay, Roxy, one shit for Mommy.
Let's go.
Okay, not for Mommy.
One shit for Roxy.
a deer.

[TERRY] Pat, is that you?
I'm just walking the dog.
Wait. Are you pregnant?
[GASPS] God damn it!

[JOAN] Isn't this nice?
I wish my mother had gone
with me to my abortion.
Yeah. This makes up
for all the missed recitals,
games, birthdays, and graduation.
I'm not getting an abortion.
I just had two really weird dreams.
I want to make sure.
Well, whatever you decide
to do about the baby,
I support you 100%.
But I will say,
having you was the second-best
decision I ever made.
Hmm. I'm not gonna ask
what the first was.
- Getting my abortion.
- Oh, yeah.
Do you how hard it is to find
you a Mother's Day card?
Hi. Um, I'm here for a pregnancy test.
Is it for your daughter?
Oh, I'm not her daughter.
No, it's for me.
When was your last period?
- When was the Challenger?
- Oh, my God.
Can I just take the test, please?
Okay, just have a seat, Gaynor.
Uh, I'm Pat.
Gaynor's my daughter.
[NANCY] Oh, God.
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
She probably shouldn't have said that.
Yeah, probably not.
I texted you three hours ago.
Well, I don't have to answer
to you anymore, sweetheart.
Remember? I'm a free agent.
Plus, I was playing pickleball
with Laird.
Can you believe that?
I do shit like that now.
I'm playing pickleball out there, Pat.
Best shape of my life.
I've scheduled a physical.
Oh, and I, uh, tried spicy Thai food.
And I tried cocaine, and I quit.
My job, not the coke.
I love that little devil's dust.
I think what I'm discovering
is that I love the freedom
of having a life
without the burden of family
responsibility, you know?
- What's this?
- It's a pregnancy test.
- You peed on this?
- That's how you use it.
[SIGHS] Listen, I know
this must be a shock to you,
'cause it certainly is to me, but
You're still focused
on the pee stick, aren't you?
I'm just thinking of a circumstance
where I would hand you
something covered in urine.
I'm fucking pregnant, Terry.
Hey, all right.
How do we know it's yours?
- What?
- [TERRY] I don't know.
With all due respect,
you're a little old
to be getting pregnant.
Yeah, and you're a little old
to wear bike shorts, but here we are.
All right, don't worry.
It'll probably take care of itself.
That's a lot to ask of a baby.
I mean, my body will absorb it.
No, no, no, you know,
let's think about this.
Maybe, uh maybe we don't want
to absorb it, you know?
- Maybe we should do this thing.
- [PAT] Really?
Because about ten seconds ago,
all you could talk about was doing blow
and playing "pickleboard" with Laird.
It's called pickleball.
It's America's fastest-growing sport.
I mean, think about it.
I'm out there
trying to find out who I am.
Maybe I'm supposed to be a parent.
You are a parent.
[TERRY] Well, I mean
of a of a new one, you know?
Wouldn't you like the idea of,
you know, having a little baby
that looks like me and you.
Don't have to imagine. We have two.
- [TERRY] Mm.
- And they were so adorable.
But now they're teenagers.
Yeah, well, we'll be dead
by then for that one.
And, look, we get all the good parts,
and then we leave.
All right, well, don't get
too attached to the idea,
because it probably won't get
too attached to my uterus.
Well, if you don't mind,
I'd like to stick around and find out.
You know, if we're gonna be a family,
I think it's important
for both of us to be around.
Come on, let's tell the kids.
No fucking way. You promised us
you were getting a divorce.
Does this mean that we're
not getting two Christmases?
Sweetie, that was never gonna happen.
I don't think we were gonna do that.
Why would you go back
on the one good thing
you've done for this family?
Why would you promise
a second Christmas?
You know how much
I love first Christmas!
Because your father and I want
to try to make it work.
- And your mom's pregnant.
- Ugh!
- Oh, Terry.
- How did that even happen?
We had unprotected intercourse.
- [PAT] Oh, my God.
- Well, it's true.
Okay, how is it even possible?
You're old.
- People my age can have babies.
- In the Bible.
You're gonna be dead
by the time the baby is four.
- That's the plan.
- From your lips to God's ears.
It's not even gonna be a baby.
I mean, it's gonna be
a sponge with teeth,
and I'm not gonna clean out
its tubes and water it.
Honey, we're a family.
- We're all gonna water it.
You're just trying
to save your failed marriage
by having a baby you're gonna
have to carry around in a ladle.
You're so selfish.
Who wouldn't want more of those?
- I don't know.
- Yeah.
I'll go talk to her.
I haven't talked to you in a while.
I know. Thank you.
I was thinking about your friend Ryan.
If you ever want to talk
about anything that happened with him,
I'm always here.
I'm good.
Oh, you literally meant always here.
I want you know
that I would never judge you
for anything that you had to do
to get through these last few months.
I'm incredibly proud
of how strong you are.
- All jokes aside
if I really had this baby,
I promise you,
I will not love it
any more than I love you.

Yeah, sweetie?
I bet you will love the baby more
because it will help with the dishes.
Because it'll be a sponge or
because it'll have eight arms?

Book sales are up nationally.
And, oh, this is funny.
A woman in West Virginia
who was reading your book
killed her husband with an ax.
What? How is that funny?
Well, it's more ironic than funny.
I You know what?
I actually think it's funny.
I think you're too close to it.
Anyway, women all over are
seeing themselves in Rosemary.
It's like you're saying it's okay
for a an average, middle-aged woman
to go a little crazy,
and they're fucking loving it.
A little crazy? She murdered her family.
Well, I think it's a metaphor.
I-I don't know. You're the writer.
Look, it is all perfect timing
for your appearance at the
Shining Vale Ladies Book Club.
Yeah, it's also perfect timing
for "fat fucking chance."
A woman named Robyn who sounds
like if croquet was a person
said you already agreed.
You're gonna listen to Robyn?
She's fucking crazy.
Well, book clubs are big business, baby.
I think it's great press
to get a picture of you
doing one in your hometown.
So think about it.
And then do it, 'cause it's tomorrow.
Oh, fine. All right, hold on one second.
I got to talk to this little girl.
Hi, sweetie. Oh, my goodness.
Look how cute you are. [CHUCKLES]
Um, can I get, uh, a shortbread,
a peanut butter,
um, another peanut butter.
- Say thank you, Chrissie.
- Thank you!
Okay. Not so fast, Chrissie.
I also want, uh, four mint chocolates.
Okay, I'm done.
Are we shopping for the apocalypse?
I'm pregnant.
Holy fuck!
Sorry, Chrissie.
Are you sure?
'Cause two years ago,
my grandmother thought
that she was pregnant, and
it was really an impacted shit.
I thought it was, too,
but I am pregnant,
and the only people who know
are you, Terry, and the kids.
- Well, how'd they take it?
- [PAT] Thanks.
Well, Terry was excited, Gaynor's mean,
and Jake is Jake, you know.
He's easy. I never have
to worry about him.

I'm telling you
that thing was ringing.
And that wall just opened up
out of nowhere.
It hasn't done that before or since.
Sorry, girl.
I just don't think it's happening.

I told you!
[JAKE] Roxy!

Oh, no way, perv.
Okay, if you're here to stalk me,
you should know I come from
a long line of insane women
who chop up men and get away with it.
[ENNIO] Gaynor.
It's nice to see you again.
Hey, did you know the Valerie "Hee"?
Okay, it's pronounced Valerie He,
and, uh, no, I've never heard of her.
You wear medals just like hers.
All right. Are you a cop?
I am exorcist.
Okay, come in.
[ENNIO] Grazie.
You've had a remarkable recovery, Terry.
I'll see you in six months.
Actually, there is one thing
I'm a little concerned about.
That's not cocaine. I had
a sesame bagel this morning.
[CHUCKLES] It's this right here.
The O?
I think it's a blood type,
Doctor. [CHUCKLES]
That's your testosterone. It's a zero.
What? What does that mean?
It means [SIGHS]
on paper, you're a woman.
Well, just run it again.
I think all the cocaine's
messing with my numbers.
The good news is,
it's extremely treatable.
There's a testosterone cream
that's popular,
but in your case, I'd recommend
a rigorous regimen of injections.
- And I'd start yesterday.
- [TERRY] Yeah.
Well, this is bullshit, okay?
'Cause I'm fine.
I'm fine, motherfucker!
I got a baby coming, and I got a beard.
And Mrs. Phelps is knocked up.
She's fucking pregnant.
It's up to you, but if left untreated,
you can expect bone loss,
decreased muscle mass,
hot flashes, depression,
even breast growth.
You can always get a second opinion.
You want a second opinion?
How about you talk to my wife's vagina?
What are you fucking looking at?
- Roxy!
Sorry, rat.
Roxy, where are you?
I met Ryan at chastity club,
and me being me, I stupidly
had unprotected sex with him.
So, while he goes to move in
with his really cool uncle in L.A.,
I'm stuck here
dealing with this shitshow.
Wait. Uh, sorry, what did you ask me?
I ask if you like steamed milk.
This is a special cappuccino.
If you no like, you get your money back.
Look, I-I work in a coffee shop, so
- Christ, that's really good.
- I have a magic touch.
And we have the same
coffee machine in Italy.
- It's a very good one.
- Oh, yeah.
My dad stole that
from the guy my mom boned.
[CHUCKLES] You are funny, Gaynor.
Listen, um
I came here because the Valerie He
sent a lot of letters to
the Vatican about this house.
She believed there is, um
a demon living here.
Oh, yeah. She's not home right now.
Then I'll come back another day.
Or night.
Uh, day, um, is probably better.
- Whatever
You have, uh

[CHUCKLES] Eh, I will go now.
Ciao, Gaynor.
Yeah, I have a type.
What the H is this place?


[ROBYN] We are so lucky
to have the author of this month's book,
Rosemary's Revenge.
Hi, Pat.
Hi, Robyn.
- And ladies.
- [ALL] Mm-hmm.
Okay, so who's gonna be first?
Mrs. Stephen Edwards.
Well, I loved page four.
[EMILY] Page four was great,
but page 13 really hit the spot.
Did anyone actually read the book?
I read it.
And then I read it again.
Oh, good.
And again.
And I fucking loved it.
Oh, thank you, Principal Woodcock,
for your passionate endorsement.
No, thank you.
Yeah, put this directly in my veins.
So visceral.
It's like you were inside me.
Okay, why don't you settle down, Sandy?
Why don't you fuck off, Robyn?
I didn't jump up your asshole
when you lost your dick
to that book about
the singing crawfish last year!
- Oh.
- Okay, wine break.
- Oh, yay.
- [ROBYN] Yeah.
I really am a big huge fan of yours.
- I can tell.
- Okay.
[WHISPERING] I'm so sorry.
she actually reads the book.
Okay, I just I need
a quick picture for my editor,
and I've got to get out
I don't feel good.
I mean, you have to have
a glass of Chardonnay at least.
- It's a book club.
- Yeah, I'm not drinking.
- Sushi?
- No.
- Soft cheese?
- I can't.
- Oysters?
- Pass.
- Cigarette?
- I wish. [CHUCKLES]
- Chardonnay?
- You're on a loop.
The truth is, I am pregnant,
and please, please don't say anything.
Oh, Pat!
Congratulations! Congratulations!
[GASPS] You have to see Dr. Skapoli.
We all use him.
Oh, Dr. Skapoli?
- Oh, yum. I love that man.
You know, I actually trim up
my hoo-ha before I go see him.
Okay, Mrs. Stephen Edwards. Ugh!
Is someone pregnant?
- [ROBYN] Pat's pregnant!
- We are so excited for you!
- Congratulations!
- That's amazing!
- Oh, my God.
- You're really glowing!
- We love you!
- We'll be there for you.
- You're so beautiful.
Can everyone just shut the fuck up?
I'm sorry.
I just want a picture.
- Ooh, that's a great idea.
- Oh, that's a great idea.
[WOODCOCK] I need to be in the front.
You suck as a parent,
but you are my fucking hero.
[WHISPERING] I wish I was
that baby inside you.
- Okay.
[PAT] What the fuck?
[GAYNOR] So, uh, what exactly
are you looking for?
This, that, vapors
demon-y stuffs.
Don't move.
Jerk, you scared me.
- Give me that.
- No, no.
- [GAYNOR] Stop. Ow.
[GAYNOR LAUGHING] Wait. No fair.
- What happens here?
- That's up to you.
No, I mean this bar.
It feels cold.
Ah, it's probably the ice and shit, hmm.
All done.
Don't you have to, like, bless
it or something?
No, I will send this to the Vatican,
except for this one.
This I keep for good luck.
Shut the fuck up.
- Wait. Okay.
I'm gonna take one of you.

I go now.
Listen, if you feel
or you see anything weird,
you call me, yes?

Ciao, bella.

- Oh, God damn,
that's a hot exorcist.
- Huh?
A little stork told me you're expecting.
- Wow, that got around quick.
I brought you some of Leo's things
Diapers, onesies
and shoes never worn.
[PAT] You kept everything?
Well, you can only bury 'em
in one outfit, right?
- Yep.
- [RUTH] So
you got a good OB-GYN?
I hear Dr. Skapoli is amazing.
Yep, he seems like
the go-to guy in Shining Vale,
but I see Dr. Bellamy in Manhattan.
Bellamy? I never heard of him.
You sure you don't mean Schwartz?
No, it's Dr. Bellamy.
He delivered both my kids.
Well, that's ancient history.
When was the last time
you had your hoo-ha checked?
I don't know,
but it wasn't that long ago.
Your biscuit is not my business,
but that being said,
I will not leave
until you make an appointment.
Okay, fine.
Hi. Uh, I'd like to make an appointment
with Dr. Bellamy uh, for early
next week, if that's possible.
This is Pat Phelps.
What? When?
Okay. Um, yeah, you too.
Thank you.
He died seven years ago.
Well, that's great. It's settled, then.
We'll set you up with Dr. Skapoli.
You know, I got a great feeling
about this baby,
and I've never been wrong.
Except once. [CHUCKLES]
I'm so sorry you're not a mom.
You know, it doesn't seem fair
that someone like me
could possibly have a third
and you've never had a shot.
One thing I know
anyone who is as critical
of her maternal skills
as you are is a damn great mom.
Then I must be the best
'cause I am the fucking worst.
I love you.
Other people, they see me
maybe as some kind of kook.
You let me in,
and that means the world to me.
So I'll just give Uh
make sure you call Skapoli.
I love you.
- That is one kooky bitch.
Come here, baby. Come here. Ooh.
Why are you so dirty?
- [JAKE] Mom?
- Yeah.
I'll I'll be right there.
[JAKE] Mom!
[TERRY] Pat, I think I got man tits.
Well, I'm disgusted by it, too.
I got an ass. I
My features are so soft.
I think this makes you a lesbian.
- Really?
That's supposed to be kind of
in these days, you know?
- [PAT] Ahh.
[TERRY] Oh, God.
[PAT] Uh, I'm sorry.
What were you saying?
I-I couldn't hear you.
Can you open this for me?
I literally lost the gap
between my thigh and my ass.
It's like a big flap.
Oh, my God, Terry.
Just take the testosterone.
Yeah, it was one thing
to do a bunch of coke,
but do I really want
to put a bunch of
weird chemicals in my body?
- God damn it.
Well, you're talking
to the wrong person.
[TERRY] Maybe I'm too old to be a dad.
Well, you got the tits to be a mom.
- [TERRY] What the hell, Pat?
God, why don't you just
finish me off with the ax now?
[SIGHS] I'm sorry, sweetie.
I've just been hearing all week
how old I am.
[TERRY] You can take it.
You're beautiful.
[PAT CHUCKLES] Thank you.
It's just been a lot.
Well, guess the good news is at
least we're doing it together.
I'm glad you came back to die with me.
Yeah, me too.
[DR. SKAPOLI] Abe Bellamy, hmm?
Well, there's a name from the past.
He delivered both of our kids.
Oh, you know, he delivered my wife.
All right, so your uterus
has a nice, beautiful thick lining,
so I think you've got
a pretty good chance
- at seeing this through.
- Through what? A jar?
Um, I've seen older pregnancies.
In humans?
No, but, you know,
getting pregnant at your age,
that's the hard part, right?
You have got a good shot
at a healthy baby.
So you're saying I'm I'm just
gonna have a normal pregnancy?
Well, it would be a geriatric pregnancy.
- Forgive the term.
- I wasn't offended
when I had my first geriatric
pregnancy 18 years ago.
Oh, okay, so then you know
that we just need
to take a little bit
of extra care that's all.
Okay, so do you guys want a picture?
Yeah, sure.
- No, no, no, honey.
He means of the baby.
- [DR. SKAPOLI] Huh.
That's weird.
Must be a loose cable.
Let me just, uh, check it.
Oh, and there is one more thing.
Given your mental-health history,
there is a teeny, tiny risk
of pregnancy psychosis.
Now, we think it has to do
with increased hormone levels,
but, really, it's amazing
how much we don't even know.
Anyway, the symptoms
include hallucinations,
delusions, mood swings, and depression.
Again, it affects such an
itsy-bitsy percentage of women.
I am just ethically obligated
to mention it.
Here, meet your new baby.
[TERRY] Aw, look at that.
- A little a little ba oh, no.
- [PAT] No.
[TERRY] Yeah.
- Oh, God.
- [TERRY] God!
- Ah, you're such a baby!
- God!
- It's just a testosterone shot.
[GROANS] I think I already feel it.
Look at this.
You'd tell me
if I get too jacked, right?
[PAT] I promise.
[SIGHS] Or if my balls shrink?
That's a real thing.
Honey, I honestly
don't have the bandwidth
to talk about your balls today.
What's wrong with you?
I don't know. I'm just thinking, um
What if I pass my crazy on to the baby?
You're gonna pass so many amazing things
on to this little baby,
and if one of them's crazy, then
they'll fix it
just like they fixed you.
I'm gonna take a shower.
You think I should take a
before picture of my testicles?
Yeah, I do.
Okay, I will.
[LAUGHS] Oh, God.
You're gonna be okay.
You're gonna be fine.
Oh, come on.
- Jake?
- Where are you?
- [JAKE] In the wall!
Which wall?
[JAKE] I think I'm downstairs.
I'm here!
Don't stop banging!
Don't stop banging!
Why did you stop banging?
Oh, hey, Mom.
Oh, my baby.
Oh, my God, you are a mess.
How long have you been in there?
Uh, only, like, four hours
and, uh, three days.

Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
[SIGHING] Oh, God.
I promise you
I'm gonna be a better mom.
I am. I'm gonna be better.
- [JAKE] Okay.
- Okay.
Go shower.
- Oh, my God.
- [JAKE] Oh.
Can I tell you
about what I found in there?
Spoiler alert
it's old-timey boobs and candy.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, let's go.
Oh, babe.

- Stay away!
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