Sick Note (2017) s02e02 Episode Script

New Balls

1 [Becca] Can you put the blow-up bed back in our room, please? But we're gonna be using it again tonight.
And? Can we get you anything, Will? Oh, I'll have a cranberry juice, Becca.
Yeah, of course.
Get Will a cranberry juice.
- Well, can't you get it? - And tidy up this pigsty.
You've just told me to do this.
Get the drink on the way back! No, not there.
Can you put it back in the box? Pop it on the table, dude.
Fuck you.
You couldn't make me one of those, could you, darling? What, a fruit smoothie? Yes.
I've been thinking about getting back on track - with my old fitness levels, you know? - Here, have mine.
Oh, thank you.
Mmm! I feel thinner already.
[chuckles] - [knock at door] - I'll get it.
- Oh, Sherry.
- Something's come up.
They've called an emergency meeting at We Cover.
I'll fill you in on the way.
Right.
Need to get a few bits and bobs.
Iain, you've got a little - something in your whiskers.
- Oh, right.
Oh! [laughs] Mmm, mmm! Just a bit of smoothie.
Boiled egg? I can pop one in.
No, no, I'm good.
Did you manage to book the flight? I'll start looking today.
Right.
Didn't you have, like, a wedding? - Becca, boiled egg? - Oh, yeah, lovely, ta.
[text alert] [Daniel] It's Michael from We Cover.
What does he want? He wants to drive me to work.
- Ooh, can I come? - Oh, sorry, man.
They're a bit funny about bringing guests in.
Oh.
Okay.
Good luck booking the flight.
Kenny's dead? It's that image of him I can't get out of my mind.
Horrible! Horrible.
How the hell did he die, Michael? Suicide.
Kenny West dead.
Kenny West, dead.
Well, I can't say I'm surprised.
Always bringing prostitutes back to the club, inviting me and Mrs.
S over for well, God knows what.
Anyway, the incoming CEO wants to meet with all the preferred clinic chiefs and St.
Frederick's is top of the heap because of Oh, because of? You! Your patient, Daniel Glass.
We get preferential treatment because of your hard work, Iain.
Right, so I'm in the good books, am I? Iain, you're an absolute hero.
- Oh.
- I can't thank you enough.
Oh it's just smoothie.
[both chuckle politely] What say after all this we take the afternoon off and go and whack a few tennis balls? If our ladies are free, we could make it mixed doubles, eh? Yes.
Yes, that would be wonderful.
Coming, Sherry.
[Reporter] Here they come! [reporters clamor] Out of the way, please.
This man has a life-threatening condition.
Daniel Glass, was Kenny West murdered by animal activists? - Don't talk to them, Daniel.
- Did Kenny West kill himself? That is a lie, okay? That is fake news.
A man is dead and this this hero is gravely ill with cancer, okay? So you should feel ashamed of yourselves.
- Out of the way! - [reporters shouting questions] [Daniel] Are you in charge now? [Michael sighs] No, no.
Um, Mr.
West's daughter, Katerina, she inherits the role of CEO in the event of a tragedy.
Oh, wow.
Didn't even know he had a daughter.
- Yes.
- What's she like? Well, she is nothing like Mr.
West.
[Katerina] Look at you! A bunch of losers who couldn't sell health insurance even if your worthless lives depended on it.
I should line you all up against the wall and slit your fucking throats, you cum-snorting cunts! That was an impression of my dad.
I was just trying to lighten the mood.
Oh! [laughs] That's very good.
Thank you.
I'm not my dad.
My dad was a psycho and he only cared about one thing - money.
- And he quite liked hunting.
Ah, yes, he loved killing things and then he killed himself.
[chuckles] She really isn't anything like her father.
She's prettier.
You guys have made this company a great success.
You should give yourself a round of applause.
- Is that what I think it is? - No, no.
Um, your father, he soiled himself at the end.
- Nope.
That is what I thought it was.
- What is it? Anyway, I would like you to be the first to know my intentions for We Cover.
- I'm selling it.
- What? No, you can't.
We Cover is your father's legacy.
That's his legacy.
I But what about me? Well, me and the staff, all of us? Well, I'm sure the buyers will keep you on until they find someone better.
Don't you think it a trifle rash to sell? We Cover is a potential gold mine, what with the state of the NHS at the moment.
No, I'm selling because I have to get back to my family in Nigeria.
Oh, I didn't realize you had family.
Oh.
Okay.
- Are you breastfeeding that monkey? - It's an orphaned gorilla.
- [Iain] Yes, well - Why, does that bother you? No, it's just Mother's milk.
Oh.
How do you produce the milk? Hormone injections.
But they do give me vivid night terrors.
Look, in order to sell, we're going to have to keep a tight lid on all the things surrounding my father's death.
The only people who know what really happened are us four, Michael's daughter and Sorry.
I mean, what what happened? What? Okay, the three of us and the staff member - that found him.
- Linda.
Mr.
West didn't hang himself.
It was a sex game.
What? You know, where people strangle themselves while masturbating.
Oh, my God! And also of course.
Just keep it to yourself.
Oh, don't worry, you can trust me.
And you can trust me too.
Okay.
You can get your life back.
No more Kenny, no more bullshit.
First, end things with Becca, move out.
Second, tell Glennis we're ending this cancer shit.
Third, ask Linda out.
She's into you.
Fourth, tell Will to fuck off home.
- Who's Will? - Jesus Christ! Why did you sneak up on me? I didn't sneak up on you.
I've just come in for a little tinkle.
Listen, I want to get better quicker.
Well, I mean, you've barely been diagnosed and you've only just started your "chemotherapy.
" Can't we fudge the timeline? You know, fake some new scans? No one will believe that.
We could fast-track "surgery.
" Okay, great.
So, like, in a few weeks? Yes, okay.
Kenny West's daughter is planning on selling the company, so she can continue to breastfeed monkeys.
It would be nice to be out of this pickle.
All right, well, let's use this time and we'll book you in for your "operation.
" - Stop doing that.
- I'm sorry.
Ah, weeing, the great leveler.
- Can you keep a secret? - What do you think? Oh, yes, the cancer.
Well, here's another one for you.
Kenny West hung himself.
- It was autoerotic asphyxiation.
- No, no, no, no! [laughs] No, he didn't kill himself in a car.
He hung himself in Michael's office.
Believe you me, I've seen the stain.
- Just look it up.
- Oh.
What the fuck? However high you are bang! If you land on the right position, you can survive the highest height.
Oh, Daniel, here's your friend Will.
Yeah.
What are you doing here? What, a best friend needs a reason to come and see his best friend? Oh, that's nice.
We were just talking about your other friend, Ash.
Well, Will was saying he fell, but It wasn't a fall.
He was in a hit and run.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I always make that mistake.
It's because his injuries made it look like he'd had a fall, so Oh.
Okay, so I was thinking we could go grab a bite to eat.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, there's a café downstairs.
- Cool.
Okay, well, Linda, bye-bye.
- Bye.
"The loss of oxygen delivery increases pleasure, heightening masturbatory sensation.
" Why would someone strangle themselves mid-coitus? Glennis.
No! Are you kidding me? The famous Dr.
Glennis? Oh! [laughs] Ah, well, thank you.
I wouldn't say famous, although I have been getting some rather positive feedback for my work recently.
And you are? This is my American friend.
- Er, from America.
- Hey.
Will.
We're just gonna get some lunch.
Right.
Well, I would love to join you, but I have a rather important meeting with a senior doctor and believe it or not, we're having a game of tennis! [laughs] - [sighs] Right.
- Right, well, I'm off.
Yeah, we're going the same way.
- Oh, great.
- [Iain laughs] - After you.
- Yes.
[recording] We want to give our customers Going down, guys? We're on the top floor.
Oh, yes, of course.
- That's a very unusual mask.
- [Daniel, whispering] Bollocks! Haven't seen one of those for many years.
It's old.
Health care in the US costs so much.
I'm saving up for a transplant.
Ah, right.
What's it covering? Okay, so I'm eight years old.
Mom had been ironing in our trailer.
She left the iron on.
I was standing on a stool, reaching for the cookie jar and the stool gives way, so I come down, bring the ironing board with me and - [Iain] Tragic tale.
- Yeah.
- Let's have a little look - Oh, no! - Honestly, it's fine.
- I'm highly trained.
I might be able to sort something better out for you.
Er, no, I'm great, thank you.
I have seen all sorts.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
Let's have a peek.
[Will roars] [Iain screams in agony] - Will! - [Iain whimpers] - He bit me! - Sorry.
Oh.
Dr.
Glennis, I I'm really sorry.
I just don't like people looking at my face.
[phone vibrates] Oh, it's my wife.
I should get going.
Dr.
Glennis, again, I really am No.
You've done enough.
You bit my doctor! Daniel, you don't know what it's like having this hideous visage.
I'm a monster! Lunch? Although technically, I've already eaten.
[chuckles] Daniel? Hello.
I'm Linda.
- Hi.
- I'm so sorry for your loss.
Don't be.
Are you okay? Do you need see a counselor? Oh, no, I'm fine.
I once saw a man get run over by a tram.
So could you keep the details of what you saw to yourself? You mean not tell anyone? Exactly.
- You haven't, have you? - Me? No, of course not.
What's that? Oh, that's a stress thumb.
You place it over your actual thumb, suck and it releases a Linda, I don't think Miss West has got time for your inventions.
Well, you must be stressed with everything.
They're usually £20, but please, take one.
Mmm.
Looks like something my dad would've used in one of his sex games.
I daresay he did.
[Annette] I've bought you a new racquet.
Oh, thank you, my love.
Jesus Christ! [sobs] What's wrong? Are you okay? Oh! I've got a bit of cramp.
Is there anything you need? Hang on one second, darling.
I'm just going to put you on hold.
[groans] Ah! Um how about a sweatband? Already got you one, my sweaty husband.
See you in an hour.
- I'm so excited! - Yes.
Yes, me too.
[whimpers] [wails] Eugh! Omelets! I can't believe they don't do hard boiled eggs here.
I mean, God knows what's in this.
So you, er you booked your flight yet? Wow! Anyone would think you wanna get rid of me.
[chuckles] No! No, it's just It's not that.
It's just You know, we've talked online for years, but I've really known nothing about you.
But, dude, I mean, that can totally change now, you know? I mean, isn't it great to finally put a face to the name? Or you know [laughs] half a face.
- [guffaws] Half a face! - Yes, good one.
So, I was thinking, after my cousin's wedding, I could come back permanently.
Fill the void that Ash's death created, you know? Yeah, yeah, that that's not gonna work.
Dude, of course it's gonna work.
I'm your best friend [chuckles] No.
No, Will, we're not best friends.
Yeah, we are.
No.
We're not.
You know, we're we're online best friends.
Got it.
Look, listen Things are changing, okay? Me and Dr.
Glennis, we're ending the lie, okay? And I'm leaving Becca, so What? Why? She was shagging my best friend.
Oh, Ash this, Ash that! Like he was ever that great.
You know what, Daniel? I would never do that to you, dude.
No, never! I'm sorry, Will.
But it's just time to move on.
You, know Daniel, you've been through so much already.
I'm just sorry I haven't been more understanding.
No! No, you've been great, you know? I've loved - Yeah.
- You know.
But I just think it's time for me to kind of do this on my own, you know? Well, see you on the battlefield, soldier.
- Yeah.
- I gotta get to the airport.
Fucking hell! Tick.
Ah! That's the ticket.
Oh! [exhales] Andrew Agassi, eat your heart out.
Right.
Hey, Linda, I was Oh, I meant to ask you, are you allowed to drink on your medication? Er, yeah, yeah.
Er, why? Oh, well, some of us are going out after work to celebrate Mr.
West's death.
Oh, you mean to celebrate his life? Yeah.
You can bring your girlfriend.
Oh, yeah, actually we're we're kind of breaking up, you know.
How interesting.
Well, just bring yourself, then.
[laughs] Yeah.
Perfect.
Tick.
So, do you want to hit a few balls before we start? - Well, let's just get going, shall we? - Right-o.
[Annette] Good luck.
Let them win, remember? Yes, my treasure.
[roars] [moans] - Nice drop shot.
- Yes, thank you.
Love-15.
[groans with pain] Argh! [Iain whimpers] You've got a deft touch.
I keep on expecting a fast one with all the oomph you keep on putting into it.
Ah, yes, thank you, Sherry.
[sobs with pain] - You're supposed to let them win.
- I am trying, Annette.
Oh, hi, darling.
- Good day at work? - Yeah.
Yeah, it was, actually.
Yeah.
- And we've got something to talk about.
- Yeah, go on.
What? [crunching] Will, I I thought you were leaving? I couldn't find any flights.
[stammering] What about your cousin's wedding? Oh, my cousin's a tool.
I'd much rather stay here with you guys.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Becca said - No.
Will can stay as long as he likes.
He is a great house guest.
And you need a friend right now, Daniel.
This one for the match.
[chuckles nervously] [groans] [Dr.
Samson] An ace! Game, set and match.
- [groans] - You were supposed to let them win! I tried, my darling.
- Is your hand all right? - It's just a friction burn.
Darling, have you been sneaking in lessons? - Iain, well done! - Argh! Now, listen, as Kenny West's membership has expired, there's an opening.
Would you be interested in a spot? Yes, yes.
Yes, we would.
- Good.
- [Iain sobs] Iain, we're going to be members! They seemed interested.
Well, Seamus Wayne have bought and dissolved three health insurance firms in the last 18 months.
We're going to be on the streets busking for change.
Finally you'll make an honest living.
No, but seriously, I've worked very hard for this company - You've gotta be fucking kidding! - No, I promise you, - there's years of unpaid overtime - No, this.
It's all over Reddit.
I knew it was gonna come out.
Okay, what's Reddit? Just look at BBC News in about two hours.
My dad's death, all the gory details.
Oh, and come on, they've got memes already.
Oh, not meme What are memes? - [phone rings] - Kenny West CEO wanks over insurance Seamus Wayne.
Hello again.
Yes it is rather unfortunate.
Well, I will tell Miss West the bad news.
[sighs] Well, that's a shame.
It is what it is.
[under her breath] It is what it is.
It is what it is.
It is what it is.
[groaning] [Annette] Coming to bed, my tennis pro? Er, yes, darling.
I'm just going to finish my victor's drink.
[laughs] Well, somebody deserves a cuddle for getting us on the list for club membership.
So don't be long.
I'll be up as soon as I can, my darling.
[retches] [Becca] It's so lovely to have you here, Will, it really is.
So, who fancies a film? Oh, yeah.
Yeah? Daniel, do you want to choose one? Yeah, fine.
I'm just gonna go to the loo.
Can I get anyone a drink on my way back? Oh, you know, I would love a cranberry juice, Becca.
Mm-hm.
Right, how long are you staying? As long as I like.
I told you, I'm leaving Becca.
I'm gonna tell her.
Tell her? Everything.
You faking cancer, how Ash fell from your window, - how you put him in the road to make it - Don't.
One thing you were right about today.
We're not friends.
Okay, look - I'm sorry what I said earlier, okay? - I'll tell you what.
You give me ten grand and I'll disappear without telling anyone.
I don't have ten grand.
Then find it.
Otherwise you'll have a shit ton of explaining to do.
God, haven't you picked one yet? No.
No, I thought we'd let our guest choose.
Do you guys have The Notebook? Oh! Yes! Yes! Daniel, get it.
Come on, Iain.
What are you up to? [snoring] [muttering] [film on TV] [sniffling] - [sighs] - [text alert] [Becca sniffles]