Sick Note (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

Stay Hydrated

1 - Okay.
- Welcome to Acti-Wrist.
Fitness made easy.
- Thinking - Ready to pair device.
Pair device.
- Pairing device.
- Searching for device.
Cannot find device.
It's right here! It is here.
Come on.
Searching for device.
- Cannot find device.
- Heavens to Hertfordshire! - Still searching for device.
- Oh, here we go.
Cannot find device.
Please call Pairing Technical Support.
I just want to get fit! You have reached Pairing Technical Support.
- The line is now closed.
- Ah! Goodbye.
Sirens of Titan! So I was hoping you and your old man could get a shandy sometime.
What? I'm on the phone! Um, anyway, do give me a ring when you get this.
What are you laughing at? Ah, where Vanessa scattered Ash's ashes.
Looks like a police outline of a dead body.
- Yeah, it does.
- Like, I dunno, someone fell from the roof into the garden and died.
Yeah.
Yeah! You'd better get to work.
Why, what's? Oh, wow, I didn't realize it was so late.
- See you guys later.
- Bye-bye.
Can you just please stop doing that? I told you, I'm gonna get you the money, okay? Well, until you do, I'd like to have a bath.
Okay.
Fine.
You know where it is.
I want you to run it for me.
Why did Daddy change his passcode, Benny? What was he up to? Will! Your bath's ready.
Fucking half-faced prick.
You called? Yeah.
Your bath's ready.
Thank you, Daniel.
Well? Don't just stand there.
Get undressed.
What? We're gonna take a bath together.
Joke! Now get out.
Annette! I'm back from my run.
In here, darling.
Oh, this fitness bracelet is 50 meters.
No, you haven't.
I have.
You've bought me a bike! Oh, I love it! And I got you these too.
Now, you have to promise me to wear the helmet at all times.
I don't want anything happening to that beautiful head of yours.
Oh! Oh, it's got a little camera.
I can film my bike rides.
Hello! - Oh, Annette, I love you.
- Oh! So can we pay, um, for our club membership soon? It's just £6,000 for the year.
Right.
- That okay? Can we afford it? - Um Yes, yes.
Yes, of course we can.
- I love you too.
- Oh, I No, Iain, Iain, I've got to get on.
Please, just a We'll come back to this later.
Michael, this is just what you wanted.
Did you leak that story? Because I think you did.
Er, well, no I can assure you, Miss West, I I am as distraught as you are.
Michael, when a gorilla lies, it scratches its ear.
Well, I did not want this, okay? My wife is furious now that she knows my daughter saw Kenny in his state of deathly ecstasy.
Whatever.
It is what it is.
It is what it is.
Oh, I have to take that.
It's a family call.
It's my office.
It's my This But, yeah, I'll give you some space.
Hi, babies.
Mummy's coming home soon.
Ryan! Ryan, that's your sister! Oh, God.
No, don't lick it! Where have you been? You can get me a cranberry juice.
What? I thought you were Daniel.
What are you doing here? I decided to have lunch at home.
Have you eaten? Not yet.
Do you want me to make you some eggs? Oh yes, please, Becca! - Thank you.
- Okay.
So he knows everything? Absolutely everything? Yeah.
This is not good, Daniel.
This is not good at all.
I'd already started work on your new scans.
I'd booked in your fake "surgery" too.
Yeah, we could still do that.
First Will wants money.
He what what? And then he will leave us alone.
I think he's a bit unhinged.
Oh, he's unhinged? You don't say.
Do you remember this? You remember this? Yeah, I know.
What is that noise? Oh, it's an application on my phone.
It reminds me to drink water, stay hydrated.
How much does he want? Ten grand.
Then just pay him.
You've got your We Cover insurance money.
It's all gone.
Ash's funeral cleaned me out.
Oh, right, and you think I have it? You're a doctor.
You know, you must earn pretty good money.
Well, I don't.
Okay, what about some drugs we can sell? Like medicinal cocaine, heroin, methadone Yeah, yeah! Right here in my drawer.
Full of methadone.
This one's full of ecstasy and this one's got cocaine in it and there's gold bars in there and in the corner I've got a big bazooka, should the plop-plop really hit the fan.
Yeah, well, what is all that? That is your cancer medication.
I've been meaning to throw it away, but I haven't had a chance to smuggle it to my car.
Is it is it worth anything? Well, yes, I mean, of course it is.
Who's going to buy stolen cancer drugs? Drug dealer might.
Nah, I'm not interested in cancer meds.
Okay, but do you know anyone who is? - Yeah, Shank.
- Sorry, who? - Shank.
- He's called Shank? Yeah, Shank.
Like a prison knife.
I'll set up a meeting.
Thanks.
Now, listen, it's half price on Moroccan.
Hey, son, just your old dad again.
Just wondering if you had time for that chat any time soon? Let me know.
Argh! As if this will work.
One, two, three, four.
Oh, my God! Yes! Yes! No! No! No! Oh! No, no, no! I wanna talk about stress thumbs.
Well, Mr.
West was trying to get them into development but Common sense won out.
Shut up.
I like them.
It's really hard to get gorillas to take medicine, and this could really help.
Plus, if it works on the gorillas, we can try it on humans.
- Yes.
- Really? Because your father didn't think they were a good idea.
No, but he did think that strangling himself while masturbating - was a good idea.
- True, yeah.
Um, I'm just not sure that thumbs for monkeys are going to get We Cover stock back up.
Michael, can you just give us the room? Okay.
Well, yeah, just enjoy my office.
This company's full of Michaels.
I want more Lindas.
So any other ideas you have? Well, actually Presenting the office bracelet.
It has a torch for finding stationery in dark cupboards and it's magnetized for paperclips.
That's that's fantastic.
Keep thinking, though.
Also, I wanna let you know Michael's office is now yours.
So take a seat.
Thanks.
Okay, see you soon.
So how long have you been doing this for? Two years.
I'm trying to rid my body of pollutants.
Eggs are nature's purest food source, so Oh, I'm I'm sorry.
- What for? - Staring.
- It's okay.
I'm used to it.
- I just I want to see.
Please, Becca I won't be scared.
Now do you trust me? No.
Oh, what the fuck is wrong with me? Feel like we're in an episode of Cagney & Lacey.
Right.
What is this drug dealer's name? Sh Timothy something.
Good.
Please don't use my real name.
He cannot know anything about me.
Can you just stop being so dramatic? Okay, my weed dealer said he's fine.
Let me just point something out to you.
This is a man who makes his money by selling drugs.
Could you just turn that thing off? No, I won't.
I'm staying hydrated.
Don't get mad at me.
This is all your fault.
My fault? Who was it that misdiagnosed me with cancer? How many times? Hmm? Once.
It was an honest mistake.
Yeah, which has led to this.
- Look, I'm - No! - No, give it to me.
- Don't you dare! - Give it to me.
- Give it me back! Get off! Oh! Right.
I'm sorry, okay? Well, congratulations.
Now you've got your wish.
Let's get this over and done with, shall we? And please, keep a low bloody profile.
I'm bloody wet in the willy! I'm sorry.
Please come out.
I don't know what you must think of me.
What with Daniel being sick.
But I'm just so confused.
We'd split up and then he got his bad news and I couldn't just leave him alone.
I get it.
But I I don't think I want to be with him any more.
I want to be with you.
Why? You're you're just like no one I've ever met before.
- Because of the mask? - No! Well, maybe that is a part of it, but - Have you heard of Florence Nightingale? - What? She was this nurse who No, I know who Florence Nightingale was.
Well, they call it the Florence Nightingale effect when people are turned on by sick people like me.
No, I don't just like you because you have a disfigured face.
Willy water! Hello.
Please do not use my real name.
For the hundredth time, I won't.
Hello.
Hello.
- Hi.
We're here to see Shank.
- Shank? Yeah, Shank.
- Yeah.
- After you! Oh, it's not what you think.
It's water.
I spilt my water bottle.
- Come in! - Oh, fine, I'm going in.
Hello.
Ooh, a bit gloomy in here, isn't it? Pop a light on.
Tell me, which way are we headed? Thankingtons! You got 'roid rage? - Please shut up.
- Yes, of course.
Ah! Hello.
You must be Daniel.
And you are? Dr.
Iain Glennis.
No, I mean Doctor? This should be good stuff, then.
- Can I see it? - Yeah, yeah.
Show him the shit.
Oh! Oh, my word! Excellent, excellent.
I'm in up to my eyeballs in Citalopram, Demerol, but Docetaxel that's a little bit harder to get your hands on! Ah! - Just trying to stay hydrated.
- Yes, very wise.
Ha ha! You should know! So, er, your name's Shank, is it? Yes, short for Shankowic.
My dad's from Belarus.
Hey! No, but seriously, you're not really a doctor, are you? No, I am, yes.
Private clinic.
St.
Frederick's.
St.
Frederick's? Isn't that in Waterloo? No, it's Baker Street, but - I know it, I know it.
- I don't Well, I'll have to come and visit you next time I'm ill.
Oh! Okay, right, just leave this with me and I'll see if I can shift it.
How how much do we get? That depends.
There's a big market for it in the US, but also Turkey, Tunisia.
Ba ba ba ba ba ba Mmm Ten grand.
Ten? Ten? I could go higher.
Fifteen.
But remember, I've got to source buyers, etc, etc.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
If you can go to 20,000, you've got yourself a deal.
Seventeen and you've got yourself a deal.
Nineteen thousand and you've got yourself a deal.
Eighteen.
You got yourself a deal.
Congratulations.
Oh! Don't forget to stay hydrated.
I see you already are.
Yes, I spilt my Okay, you need to take your phone and put it into a big bowl of rice to extract all of that naughty moisture.
Just leave it in there for 72 hours before you try turning it on again.
What's better than a three-day phone detox? Fuck's sake! Three days? Get outside, commune with nature, maybe spend some face-to-face time with your loved ones instead of FaceTime.
Twat! Your face! It's fine! What the fuck? Give me that back! Give it! You tell a soul about this and I'll tell everyone you tried to rape me! You and Daniel deserve each other! Ash probably didn't even fall from the window.
He probably jumped to get away from you cunts! He was a nice chap, wasn't he? - Couldn't have gone better.
- No, no.
- Four grand each.
- Pardon? Ten grand for Will, then eight divided by two is four.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No.
You see I'm the one that put everything on the line.
You get 10,000 for your lunatic friend and the rest is mine.
- But - Ah! Did you split the 30,000 you got from We Cover with me? No, you didn't.
If we do this again, then we'll split everything 50/50.
Those are my terms.
It's only fair.
Fine.
And you can buy me a new water bottle.
Oh, come in, Michael.
Er thanks.
Oh, I was looking in there for a soldering iron, but I just found bedding and pajamas.
Oh, yes, well, er, things are a little bit tricky at home and I work late in the office anyway, so just, you know, might as well sleep here for a few days.
Office sleepover.
That's fun.
Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell Miss We This bracelet.
What's the little nub on the wrist? Oh, yeah, I'm trying to fix that.
It's where the magnet is hidden.
Also the magnet's too powerful.
It's made out of rare earth.
Well, I think it hits a pressure point that relieves anxiety.
I mean, I've been wearing it all day and I feel great.
Wow! Really? Because I was hoping to disguise it with a staple remover.
No staple remover.
We're going to bring back the charity bracelet, but one that actually does something.
Charity bracelet? Yeah, you know.
They did it for cancer, AIDS Oh, yeah, I remember.
I used to wear one because I loved the colour, but then I found out it was for a charity that wanted to bring back hanging.
And we need a slogan.
Sort of like "live strong.
" No, Michael, it's already been done, you asshole.
Jesus! Yeah, it was an example.
What about "live a great life?" Yes.
Live a great life.
That's perfect.
I love it.
Let's go celebrate.
Okay, well, I'm just gonna hang back and reply to some emails.
You go ahead.
Oh, and Michael, please don't sleep in the office any more.
It's embarrassing.
You look poor.
Mmm! Oh yeah.
Where have you been? I've missed you.
Well, you know, just doing - some stuff.
- Mm-hm? Where where's Will? Oh, I don't know.
I haven't seen him.
I came back and all his stuff had disappeared.
What happened? It's so weird.
I've got no idea.
Maybe he maybe he took that flight to Germany.
I mean, it's weird he didn't say goodbye, but you know, it's because he's because he's a weirdo.
Yeah.
Darling, I'm home.
Where have you been? Oh, er, nowhere.
Nowhere in particular.
Just, er, picking up some membership forms so my beautiful wife, you, and I, can become members of Barlow Lake Country Club.
Iain - I love you.
- Oh! Everything's getting back to how it used to be.
Oh! Shush! Oh Hello.
You're through to 07700 Fuck! Oh, finally! Where are you? I've been trying to call you for ages.
I don't think you have.
Oh.
Sorry, who who is this? It's Will.
Will? Where have you been? What is up with your voice? I've got your money, okay? Ten grand? I can get ten times that and screw you over in the process.
Everyone's gonna learn the truth about you.
You're fucked dude.