Single Parents (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

Sleepover Ready

1 Okay, here's the grid for the week.
Thursday, Rory's performing at an old-folks home.
They don't ask, but he keeps going.
- Can anyone pick up? - Yeah, I'll get him after Graham's allergy appointment.
Did you know you could be allergic to birds? Like all of them? So, I really wanted to get a smoothie tomorrow sometime after 4:00, if anyone could hold Jack then? Yeah, I might not understand the grid.
Mm.
Douglas, you have the kids for Saturday night sleepover.
And no wriggling out of it.
We're sick of your stupid work excuses.
I'm a doctor.
If I don't pick up my phone, people die.
You're a dermatologist.
If you don't pick up your phone, people go to the store and buy a cream.
Look, Saturday night sleepover's a lot, but you can hack it.
I spend every Saturday night the same way I have two glasses of scotch and I sit in my sauna until I'm lightheaded enough to pass out.
Now, if you want five kids to watch me do that and then they could politely put themselves to bed, be my guest.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Great.
What's up, Grid Squad? I see I'm on the board for Tuesday.
I will not let you down.
Relax, it's a babysitting grid, not "Band of Brothers.
" Okay, sure, but can I just say how much fun I've had with all of you since I got on this thing.
So many great one-on-one hangs.
I mean, Miggy, epic game of basketball with my laundry hamper.
Yeah.
I broke your hamper like Shaq.
Unh! So worth it.
Poppy here is teaching me about sex crystals.
I will say I have one on my body right now.
Won't say where, 'cause it's incredibly uncomfortable.
That means it's working.
But, Douglas, you and I have yet to have our one-on-one hang time.
Yeah, well, see, the grid isn't about friendship.
It's business.
It's a little bit about friendship.
Dude, Douglas doesn't want friends.
I mean, look at him.
He's old as hell.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Why do I know you? All right, how about this you and I go find a steakhouse right now, share our first prime rib.
Rare.
No sides.
- Look at me, Lance.
- It's Will.
It's 8:30 in the morning, all right? I'm not sharing a steak with you.
Yeah, you're right.
Silly idea.
But what if it were bagels? Nothing like a good pumpernickel.
[Chuckles] Yeah, no, you're right, it's a bad idea.
Forget about it.
Okay, we are almost packed for the sleepover.
I've got your sleeping bag, PJs, and some conversation starters, in case there's a lull.
"Pixar", "ice-cream toppings", "Anne Hathaway is it time for a comeback?" Dad, I don't need these.
I'm hanging with my friends.
You're right.
Soph, I'm so proud of you.
A couple weeks in, you've already found your crew.
You okay without me tonight? Are you kidding? I got a ton of irons in the fire.
Bowling alley, bars, horse track.
You're just naming places.
Correct.
I don't know, I was kind of itching for a guys' night.
I haven't had one in such a long time.
Douglas'll come around.
Right?! I mean, we're dudes with daughters.
We should be friends.
I just can't find my way in there.
He's like this 7-foot-tall emotional fortress with no handholds or footholds for me to climb.
I just gotta wait for my window to open and Hold the flippin' - phone.
- Oh, no.
What's happening? The sleepover is my window.
Dad, why are you talking like that? Think about it, Soph.
He's alone.
He's confined.
He needs help with the kids.
Look at us, putting our heads together! I don't want my name on this! I can't believe I have to work on a sleepover night.
I swear, running your own business is like having another child.
Yeah, well, at least your wine bar doesn't sit on the toilet while you take a shower.
Well, I hope one of us is getting some tonight.
You still seeing that guy from work? Uh, Owen? Yeah.
He's great.
We work really well together.
Oh, don't forget, we're singing "Happy Birthday" - to Adam in like 10 minutes.
- Oh, I didn't sign the card.
- I signed it for you.
- Aww.
Too bad it can't go anywhere, because our dates only ever last 90 minutes and then Graham calls, all homesick, needing me to pick him up.
That's just enough time for sex on the couch and one episode of that true-crime doc, "Slick Patio.
" Oh, my God, I'm only three episodes in, but I'm telling you, that slow son did it.
- No kidding.
- Wait, only sex on the couch? Yeah.
We've never made it to the bed.
But the bed is where it all happens.
The kissing, the cuddling, the explaining your weird scars.
Yeah, well, I would be doing all that if my kid were sleepover ready.
- So, this is all about Graham? - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
[Sighs] Oh, hey, Angie! Yo, Poppy, I need to borrow your blender.
Gonna puree this boy some bananas.
Oh, that reminds me I also need bananas.
Oh, and I'm sorry, um, but I'm gonna be late again with rent this month.
But I'll getcha back soon.
I promise.
Poppy, has he ever paid rent? I mean, he'll pay eventually.
It's Miggy, you know.
He's a work in progress.
Remember how we found him? Pull-ups? Pre-fold? Pockets? Cloth? What are you?! [Groaning] He ended up buying pull-ups for himself that day.
Yeah, and he's taking care of the baby so Jack's mom can go to college.
So, I want to help him.
And he's doing great.
Made a list of potential careers.
Hmm.
Sounds promising.
Have you seen it? He's got it all under control.
Aah! Oh, damn.
- [Jack cries] - Oh, I know.
I know.
I got it, though.
I got it.
Here.
- I'd ask to see that list.
- Yeah.
Um, this is what we're doing tonight? Dad says the trick is making the pieces small enough that he can't get in trouble.
Hey, that jet ski was a business expense.
My conscience is clean.
Your attention, please! This evening, I brought six costume changes to be unveiled every hour, on the hour.
- I hope you all enjoy the journey.
- [Doorbell rings] Anything that says "Vegas" goes in there.
Oh, good.
Another child.
- How's it going, man? - Oh, fine.
Besides a couple kids who are too good for document shredding.
Okay, hurry up.
We're doing my credit cards next.
Well, seems like you got it all under control.
For now.
But in an hour, storm's a-comin'.
- Anyway, good luck.
- W-W-Wait a minute.
What do you mean "storm"? You know, the sleepover storm.
Kids stoned on sugar.
One of them pees in your cacti.
Melted chocolate in places you least expect it.
Hmm.
I suppose it's illegal to drug 'em.
You got this, man.
Unless you want me to jump in Yes! I mean, can you? Are you available? Do you, uh, take checks? Let's see.
I was gonna do Yes, I'm clear! Okay, good.
I'm gonna go tie one on, all right? Make sure they finish the shredding.
The window is opening, and I'm climbing in.
Dad, don't dance, don't dance, don't No.
All right, circle up, dudes.
Important sleepover business.
Miss this, you'll be behind all night.
If he's got a guitar, I'm out of here.
Ha-ha! Joke's on you.
Guitar's in the car, but I don't want to hang out with you at all.
'Cause I'm gonna be chillin' with my boy Douglas.
Dad! Dad! He just wants you to watch us for him.
He doesn't want to hang.
Yeah, but he will once I get us on the friendship train, okay? So, you guys just hold down the fort and, I don't know, be cool.
Anyway, you don't need constant supervision.
- [Whirring] - I'm sorry, what is that? Emma and I are Shawshanking our way to the neighbors'.
I'm gonna pretend I didn't see that.
Have fun.
Looking good! [Chuckles] Whoa! What's in that thing? Just a photo of my mom her scarf [Sniffs] her lotion, her gym shirt, and this! It projects stars onto the ceiling to help me sleep.
Not that I ever sleep at these things.
I always get scared and call my mom.
Like a real loser.
Look at me.
I say you can do this.
[Pounding] MIGGY: Ahhhh.
So, Miggy, how's that job list coming? Maybe we could go over it.
Oh, yeah, sure.
I always have it on me.
So Real talk, it's been hard to find a job where I can get paid and have childcare, but I think I got some prospects.
See, I've found that abbreviated jobs make a lot of money.
So, maybe like CEO, CFO, UTI.
Those are just titles and a bladder infection.
Aha.
"Inventor, apple-sauce hype man.
" - Yeah! - "Patty Jenkins"? How is Patty Jenkins a job? I don't know, but I love "Wonder Woman".
- God, Themyscira.
- Oh, my God, that armor was everything.
- And those boots! - And Amazonians! But you said to focus on what I love.
That's what you did, right? And now you've got this place.
Yeah.
I did say that.
But let's try focusing on options that are more achievable.
Great.
You got it.
Starting fresh.
Okay.
Do not write down "millionaire.
" - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Yeah.
There's my guy! Good news kids are out of our hair.
We're set for the night.
Really? You made it sound like such a gigantic ordeal.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
- My name's Will.
- Yeah.
Pretty solid citrus collection you got there.
Look at this! Blended man.
Kind of a single-malt guy myself.
Ah.
Kind of imagined you drinking Shirley Temples.
[Laughs] Hey, I'm just glad you imagined me.
Yeah.
Well.
all right, I think it's about that time.
- Flip through car magazines? - No.
For my sauna.
Or that, too.
You're right behind me, aren't you? I've never shied away from a sauna.
Dude, no patio is that slick.
The gardener pushed her.
OWEN: If a man is living in a shack behind your house, - he's gonna kill you.
- Uh, yeah.
I'm surprised she lasted as long as she did.
[Cellphone rings] Oh, it's Graham.
Sophie? What's going on? Graham has an announcement to make, and I fully endorse it.
Here is your son.
GRAHAM: Hello, Mother.
I want you to know I'm spending the night tonight.
I will not need you to pick me up.
Uh, honey, are you sure? Yes.
Just know that I love you.
No matter what happens I love you.
[Cellphone beeps] Wait, does this mean we're finally spending the night together? I guess yeah, it does.
- [Chuckles] Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! - Oh.
- Come on, let's get you into PJs! - Okay.
Ooh! You want my Syracuse T-shirt? Super comfy.
Oh, also, uh, I fall asleep to "Frasier.
" Do you like "Frasier"? There's so much I don't know about you.
I have so many questions.
Poppy, great news! Graham decided to sleep over, so that means that I get to sleep over, too at Owen's! [Chuckles] Fun, huh?! Yeah.
So, why are you here? I left him in bed and drove away like a crazy person.
Your friend is a crazy person.
Yeah.
Glass of wine? Lord have mercy! You have a sauna in your house, and you only have one robe? Really tells a story.
Yep.
Such a shame.
It is hot.
Hot room.
So, where are you from? Buffalo.
Any siblings? Two sisters.
One's a looker, other's a miss.
I would love to meet them.
Both dead.
Whoa.
Okay.
Uh, favorite movie? [Steam hisses] [Chuckles] Wow.
Okay.
This This is fun.
I think I will take the sweatshirt off.
You'll keep it on.
Okay, Doug, I'm just gonna say it.
It feels like you're trying to steam me out.
Why are you so dead set against being my friend? - Because we have nothing in common.
- [Scoffs] All I wanted was a Saturday night by myself.
Well, a thousand pardons! You don't want to hang out with me? That's fine.
That's your loss.
You act like you don't need anybody, but I know that's not true.
You're lonely, Doug, and it's your own fault.
You push people away! You put up walls! And yet, somehow, you're still here.
You know what? I never should've taken your help.
Hosting a sleepover is a one-man job.
I couldn't agree more! And I believe you have two robes! Oh, no! My turtle! I-It's destroyed! So, there's been a murder.
- But by whom? - We did it.
But we'll never know when! Ten minutes ago.
- Okay, I give up.
- I-I need my turtle! I-I can't do this without stars! I'm calling my mom.
You don't need your mom.
- [Sighs] - AMY: We can make it up to you.
Emma and I can get you stars.
You love, you learn You cry, you learn You lo-ose, you learn You bleed, you learn You scream, you learn What the hell?! Where are you going? To get a drink! I thought you were watching the kids.
I thought you were watching the kids! Oh, this is a disaster.
I'm going back.
I'm going back! [Engine revs] You gotta be kidding me! I signaled with my blinker! I want your insurance information! You can get it from my attorney! - You don't have an attorney! - I'll find one! WILL: You totally hit me! Oh, who taught you how to drive, anyway? Mr.
Murray, my high school band teacher, who I'm still in touch with! Oh, my God.
They're gone.
Look at me.
I finally have a chance There you go to spend the night with Owen, and here I am, drinking with you.
Ang, do you know why I had a bottle of White Zin on ice tonight? Mmm! Because it's the freakin' best.
It's literally the worst wine in the world, and you have the palate of a basic bitch, and we'll get to that later.
But no.
It's because this is what you do.
Every time you get close to a guy, you wind up back in this seat, making excuses.
- Wait, really? - Yes.
I don't even carry White Zin.
Every time you do this, I have to go pick it up from a gas station.
Oh, my God.
I'm so screwed up.
You're not screwed up.
You're just scared.
Look, what happened with Graham's dad, I know, it was years ago.
But he left, and that had to have hurt.
[Sighs] Whatever.
He's a jerk.
Yeah, but at some point, you must've cared about him.
Yeah, I don't know, for some reason I loved him.
Been there.
We've all been with people who sucked.
But what if I just don't know how to pick people? What if my radar's off, and there's all these red flags that everyone else sees and I just miss? Well, there's no guarantees.
Owen could suck, too.
But you'll never know if you don't give him more than 90 minutes.
I think you like him.
He was gonna make me blueberry pancakes.
- Oh, Ang, that's huge.
- Mm-hmm.
You gotta give him a chance.
- You're right.
I'm gonna do it.
- Do it.
I'm gonna go get in that bed.
You're gonna give me those keys.
I'm gonna give you those keys, yeah.
- I'm gonna get in that bed.
- Yep.
Do it.
- I want a full report.
- Yo, Poppy? Yo, I got it.
I have the perfect job.
I'm gonna be a celebrity chef.
That's your realistic job option? - Yeah.
- Okay, Miggy, enough.
- You're not gonna be a celebrity chef.
- How do you know? Because you're not a celebrity or a chef.
Well, not yet.
But you should see the purees I put together for Jack.
I mean, they're just totally out the box.
I'll put a mango in with a strawberry.
Mmm! A spinach next to a banana.
Unh! I don't even care! Okrrrt! Miggy, none of that qualifies you to be a celebrity chef.
Well, but you told me to dream big.
Look, Miggy, I know I told you to follow your bliss, but you need to follow it to a paycheck.
Rent's due.
Dang.
- [Jack fusses] - You know, I feel like you didn't - have my back there, buddy.
- [Scoffs] I-I don't get it.
Where would they go? I knew I should've micro-chipped Sophie! Oh, okay.
All right, just relax.
Maybe they went through the Shawshank tunnel.
I'm going in.
[Pounding] Oh, yeah.
They didn't get very far.
Yeah, I re-plaster that every month.
It keeps 'em busy.
O-Okay, look! Look.
Here's a note.
"We went to the golf course to find stars.
" Okay? Relax.
Everything's fine.
How is everything fine? They could be on any golf course in the city! The golf course is my backyard.
You live on a golf course? No, I get in a car and I drive to play golf.
Moron.
Hey.
I, uh I didn't go to get mouthwash.
Yeah, I figured.
It's been two hours.
Look, I'm scared, okay? I I never usually get this far in a relationship.
But that changes tonight, okay? I don't really know what's gonna happen.
I might get scared and run away again but I'm getting in that bed.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'm gonna get under.
- She's in.
- I'm in.
[Both chuckle] - Under the covers.
- [Both chuckle] [Sighs] Doing it.
I'm doing it.
[Cellphone vibrates] Oh, my God.
My kid's on a golf course.
I gotta go.
Okay.
You know, for the record, the golf course is real, mouthwash fake.
Golf course, real.
Well, for the record, I really enjoyed all five seconds of whatever it is we just did.
[Chuckles] WILL: This place is huge.
They could be anywhere.
All right, relax.
If they have any taste, they'll be on the fourth hole.
This is my fault.
I just I wanted a guys' night, you know? Back when I worked at the Weather Channel, I had my dudes.
And then, when I started freelancing to be closer to Sophie, they all kind of fell away.
I-I miss it.
Yeah, well, men need other men.
It's in our DNA to form clans.
That's why I have my dermatology crew.
Right, you already have your friends.
I get it.
I promise I won't bother you anymore.
But they really don't understand the parenting thing, my crew.
You know, especially parenting girls.
Right? I mean, that's a whole different thing.
Don't get me started on bobby pins.
Yeah, what is with that? I-I'll always step on 'em, but when I need one - They disappear.
- Yeah.
They're everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
It makes zero sense.
Listen, you know, you were right back there.
The whole thing about the walls.
No one's ever had the dice to call me out before.
I'm sorry.
I think it was a combination of the dry heat and the wet jeans.
No, I mean it.
Thank you.
There are the kids.
Oh, they're laying on their backs.
I think the coyotes got 'em! - Sophie! - Calm down.
They're looking up at the stars.
Sophie! There they are! Douglas, what the hell? Why am I getting texts that my kid's on a golf course? I-I-I'm sorry.
I'm bad at this.
No, it's my fault.
I-I told the kids they don't need adult supervision It's both of our faults.
We were having a guys' night.
- [Scoffs] - You hug me, and it's over.
- I'm not.
- Well, let's all just be grateful that Douglas lives on a golf course like a cartoon millionaire.
Hi.
God, Rory.
You look like one of the Mandrell Sisters.
Barbara? Sure.
He did it.
You will, too.
We could ride to the stars today We could ride to the stars today [Click, water spraying] WILL: Do you guys hear that? Oh, my God! Sprinklers! [All screaming] RORY: Never again with this chiffon! Hey.
Guess what.
I'm doing it.
Putting myself out there with Owen.
You sent him a pancake and a blueberry emoji? Intimacy.
I'm doing it.
- Yo, Pop, I made a new list.
- Oh, God.
No.
There's only one thing on it.
You want to work for me at the Winebrary? Yep.
Huh.
I could actually use the help.
Yeah? All right.
You can apply online.
- Oh! Come on.
- Ha-ha! Kidding.
You're hired.
- Yeah! - Yeah.
Bye, Dad! Enjoy your breakfast! Thank you, Soph.
Early morning steak not so bad, huh? Ahh.
I can feel my arteries bracing.
- I love it! - Mmm.
Now, this is a single malt.
Is that liquor? On school property? Tell you what.
Here, take a walk.
Yeah, we're trying to enjoy a meal here.
I'm so sorry, Miss Adams.
You gonna eat that last piece? You want to attack it from both sides, "Lady and the Tramp" style? No, I'm I'm kidding.
You go ahead and take it.
Gosh, I love seeing you happy.