Single Parents (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

A Leash Is Not a Guinea Pig

1 Go wild, go crazy Go wild Go crazy Go wild Okay! This next song goes out to Emma and Amy's new guinea pig, - P-P-P-Pickle! - (YoungBloodZ's "Damn!" plays) CHILDREN CHANTING: Go, Pickle! Crank up the fog, Miggy! I'm about to teach Pickle the Eastside Stomp.
- I got you! - (chanting continues) Don't start no won't be no I post up, get to it, drink hand in hand They call me Ladies! Homemade, gluten-free, butterscotch cookies shaped like every kind of cloud while you wait? ANGIE: No, thanks.
I gotta take Graham to basketball sign-up.
I thought he wasn't doing basketball because - he wanted to do the spelling bee.
- Mm, no.
He's psyched.
His hands are finally big enough to hold the ball.
Which is why it was such a tough decision, but, ultimately, my man's heart was in the bee.
Right.
How do you know all this? I don't know.
We talk.
I don't know if I think God's up there with, like, a big long beard, but I definitely believe in something.
I think God's a woman.
(chuckles) That was a Friday Craft Corner to remember, you know? No, I really don't.
Oh, this guinea pig is costing me a fortune.
Only eats little gem lettuce.
Outrageous.
There's smoke coming out of your windows.
Your house is on fire.
Okay, so, in the future, if you think my house is on fire, let's lead with that.
And that's just Miggy's fog machine.
He's deejaying a dance party for the kids.
Hippie's gotta get a job.
Well, he starts at the Winebrary tomorrow, and he's been so motivated.
I think he's really growing up.
Aah! Come quick! We need an adult! - Sophie?! (coughs) - Graham?! - Rory! - Emma and Sally? I mean, Amy? I stomped on Pickle! It's bad! - Oh, it can't be that bad.
- Where is she? Over here.
H-How does she look? ALL: Ohh! - GRAHAM: I held her.
- (cat meows) I saw her drifting away.
Sniff the scarf, honey.
You're okay.
Hey, Lil G.
How you holding up? Not great, Big Dubs.
Can I get a hit of that sweatshirt? Sure.
Hey, Will, doesn't Sophie need you? No, she does not.
When it comes to pets, she's always been my rock.
Amazing grace - How s - Flush it.
It's a goldfish.
- He was also my son! - (toilet flushes) He's in a better place now.
(kids grunting) This machine took our gummy worms! We gotta buy a second one to push the first one out.
No, no, no.
You do that, they win.
Hey, boss! B-B-Boss! Man, I'm so psyched about my first day.
I've been studying so much about wine.
Miggy, I hate to stifle your enthusiasm, but a life hangs in the balance.
We've been waiting for too long! Oh, God.
Is Pickle gonna be okay? Yeah, sweetie, I'm 100% positive that Pickle is gonna be fine.
Pickle is dead.
- (gasps) - What? Who's the owner? - (grunts) Finally! - Yay! AMY: Take that, Big Vending Machine! Today the good guys win.
Girls Pickle didn't make it.
I'm so sorry.
I don't think they heard me.
Pickle died! She's as dead as Versace.
She left this world.
She gone! Want a gummy worm? Douglas, they're not reacting to the death.
That's called "resilience," and your kid could use a little of that.
You want to step in here? Okay.
You got it.
Get it together, Rory.
this is more embarrassing than anything else that's going on in this hospital, and that includes that dog over there that's dressed like Barbra Streisand.
(panting) (crickets chirping) (knock on door) Hey, buddy.
Whatcha doing? Googling "How to make sure no one ever dies + easy steps + 2018.
" Sweetie Look at me.
I'm gonna be here for a very, very long time, okay? I'm worried about Will.
Will? Why is Graham worrying about you dying? He's known you for a month.
He shouldn't care if you die.
We should all care if anyone dies.
Why are you suddenly best friends with my kid? It's weird.
We like all the same movies and magazines and have a kind of undeniable chemistry.
But I don't want to step on your toes.
I w I will back off.
- Right after the colonoscopy.
- What?! Well, Graham read that colonoscopies help prevent death, and he knows that my grandfather died from colon cancer, so I told him I'd get one.
Look, I had a colonoscopy on the books, and I just moved it up when I saw how much it meant to Graham.
Your colon shouldn't mean anything to Graham! He shouldn't want you to be getting a tube up your butt.
The only butt he should care about is mine.
It is, okay? You know how fickle kids are.
He's probably already over me.
Hey, Will, I was just thinking about you.
Let's try the handshake.
Slap it, bump it, chicken wing Being best friends is our thing.
Pumped up your ball for you.
Thanks! You're the best! Oh.
Hey, Mom.
- Oooh! Day 1 realness! - Yeah.
- And I love that tie.
- I got it at the drugstore.
Okay.
Cool.
Oh.
Watch out, Miggy.
Here come the regulars.
They call themselves the "Winebrarians.
" Don't call them a group.
They identify as a collective.
- Ohh.
- Bess, Franny, Lil meet Miggy.
You hired a man? Did he make you do this? He better not hit on us.
Ladies, I know the Winebrary has a feminist mission, but we need male allies.
Exactly.
I love women.
And not just the hot ones.
- Oh, my God.
- O Kay.
Maybe don't talk to them.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Hey.
Guess what, hot shot.
I'm getting a colonoscopy.
My butt beats your butt.
I've got the number-one butt! Yeah, you do! You're better than that, Mr.
Withers.
(whistle blows) - When's your colonoscopy appointment? - Next month.
Ha! Mine's at 4:00 p.
m.
today.
Suck on that.
What is that? Pre-colonoscopy smoothie.
Tastes just like a regular smoothie, except it's disgusting, and I love it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a colonoscopy to get to.
You know that they put you out for the procedure and you need someone to drive you home, right? Of course I know that.
- You want a ride? - Yes, obviously.
Where the hell is Poppy? I'm I'm off the clock.
I got e-mails to do.
All right, kids, scatter, mingle, have fun.
Girls, I am truly, truly humbled that you would allow me, the murderer, to plan Pickle's funeral here tonight.
Was there another option? Sophie, how we looking on that "in memoriam" slideshow? Not good.
The deadline has passed, and I only got two pictures from my dad.
And one was a poorly aimed selfie.
- (whispering) Miggy? - Soph! What's good? (chuckles) What's going on? Are you hiding? No! I'm just crouching and thinking.
Sure.
(sighs) It turns out, there's a really big part of my job that I forgot to learn.
Ladies, it's wine time! You can't use a corkscrew? It's super hard.
Maybe those ladies won't notice there's no wine 'cause their books are so good.
- You see I don't have any wine, right? - Yeah.
- You guys see that? - Yeah.
Yeah, I don't think that plan has legs.
I agree.
- Hey, Miggy, how's it going? - Poppin' and pourin'.
- Corks don't scare me! - Good.
Sophie, I'm gonna get you that picture of Pickle.
I promise.
Not holding my breath.
Rory, I should have given you a budget for this funeral.
- That's on me.
- Come on.
Let's check out the veil I ordered on Amazon.
Spanish lace they claim.
Looks like Pickle's gonna be buried in Gwyneth Paltrow's "Shakespeare in Love" Oscar dress.
Your kid's obsessed with death.
Yeah, well, it's not healthy to bottle up sad feelings.
Oh, I've bred my girls to handle feelings the way I do repress, replace, move on.
We never have emotional conversations.
Oh, that can't be true.
What about when you talk about their mom? We don't talk about her.
You mean never? That's one of my biggest triumphs as a parent.
That and getting them to think that it's their job to make my bed.
Yeah.
On holidays, they they put a little seasonal candy right on the pillow adds a nice touch.
Douglas, Emma and Amy deserve a safe space where they can express their feelings and ask questions.
They're little girls whose mom died.
Really, Poppy? Okay, thanks for the update.
You know what I think I need a safe space where I can parent my kids the way I think fit without being lectured by a woman whose son is treating a rodent like it's JFK! (whistles) So you're just running away? I'm gonna do what I should've done in the first place repress, replace, move on.
All right, girls, get in the Benz.
We're gonna go to the pet store and buy you a new pig thing.
Okay, look alive, ladies.
We're gonna get a new guinea pig.
Let's not stay too long, girls.
We're gonna smell like pets.
Let's motor.
Efficiency.
That's what you want? Robots with braids? They're doing better than your kid.
(crying) I killed your sister! Fine.
Keep doing what you're doing.
Repress, replace, move on.
That's how you want your kids to handle the loss of their pet.
- Yep.
- And the loss of their mom.
You got it.
Is that how you dealt with it? I'm starting to think you didn't deal with it at all.
It's easier this way.
- Dad, we got one! - We're gonna call her "Pickle"! - B-But this isn't Pickle.
- Who cares? It'll be like the other Pickle never existed.
Yeah, Dad, like you said, "Repress, replace, move on.
" Yeah, like you said.
(guinea pig squeaks) Douglas, are you okay? N-N-No, I'm not.
Okay? I'm I'm upset, actually.
And why are you upset? I'm upset because this guinea pig is a total loser.
It's like God was trying to make a possum and gave up.
We have to find a better one.
I was about to go on break.
No, you're not gonna go on break, Raj.
Not until we find a perfect replacement for Pickle! I don't care if we have to stay all night.
We only have seven to choose from.
Then we'll start there.
(straining) It's about to be lit! (sighs) - You still can't use a corkscrew, can you? - (gasps) Shhhhhh! They'll hear you, okay? Look, I don't know what to do.
I already used up all my best methods of distraction.
So, I understood the first women's march, but what was the second one about? The organizers didn't have the resources! - You don't get to ask that.
- I don't know, but the third one is coming straight to your house.
I'm gonna watch this "Corkscrews for Dummies" video on YouTube one more time and just pray for a miracle.
You do that, and I'm gonna go use my best method of distraction.
I'm thinking of being a princess for Halloween.
Thoughts? - Do you want to live in a box? - Do you want to make change in the world? Do you want to live in a box? Oh, honey, sit.
(guinea pig squeaking) Is this one even American? All right, do you have any others in the back? No, sir, we don't keep secret extra guinea pigs in the back of the store.
Have you had a chance to check out our leash selection? Oh, goodie! A leash! Maybe I'll take one home and call it "Pickle," and I'll feed it little gem lettuce.
Do any of your guinea pigs even eat little gems?! Dad, we don't have to get a new guinea pig today.
Yeah, we found a cool leash with rhinestones to buy instead.
But a leash is not a guinea pig! - Attention! - Douglas.
- Attention, everybody! - Douglas.
It's important you know this.
It is possible that any one of these animals can die at any moment, and this God-forsaken rat farm will not guarantee a replacement! - Yeah.
You have to - Put it I know what I'm doing.
Just got to - I'm taking the leash! - Okay.
And I hope it comes out of your paycheck, Raj! "Procedure may cause tear in rectum wall"? "Photos may be used for teaching purposes"?! (tapping) Just checking in.
Also, there's a guy in the waiting room who keeps telling me and Graham about his GERD.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm just reading about colonoscopy risks, and one is death.
- So, yeah, thanks a lot.
- What? I didn't force you to get an emergency midday colonoscopy.
You basically did.
I am defending my honor as Graham's mother.
All right, that's it.
I'll accept the blame for a lot of things Sophie's flat feet, the lack of coverage of Hurricane Nate It was a category-one.
We had bigger fish to fry.
Okay, I don't understand.
Are you a weatherman? How many times do I have to say it? It's very simple.
I'm a stay-at-home weather researcher.
- Oh! - But I will not accept the blame for you sitting here in a very see-through robe I apologize waiting to get a colonoscopy! Is it weird that I was gonna get one for Graham? (scoffs) Yes.
But isn't it weirder that you were threatened by that? Of course I was threatened! It feels like you're trying to be a father figure to my son, and I-I'm the only person he needs.
I'm his father and his mother.
Last Father's Day, I took myself out to a dope-ass brunch and bought military fiction in hardcopy! (sighs) I I want to be enough for him.
You are.
You're doing a great job as the dad.
- (scoffs) - Honestly.
You give off angry-dad vibes all the time.
Like, I'm looking at your face right now, and I'm like, "That dad is pissed.
" Sorry I overreacted today.
No, you didn't overreact.
I've just never seen Graham legitimately bond with a man before.
It's freaking me out.
He's never met his father.
Yeah.
Angie, you have to know that you're Graham's whole world.
The undeniable chemistry that he and I have - is no match for the love he has for you.
- (sighs) Can you please stop calling it "undeniable chemistry"? I have to call it what it is.
I don't need a colonoscopy.
This was a crazy move.
- Yeah.
- I feel better.
Weirdly calm.
Well, the sedative should've fully kicked in.
- It's showtime! - Oh, my God, I'm getting a colonoscopy! You totally are! It's oddly inspiring! You're a great dad, Angie! Okay, this year for Halloween, I will be Pingyang, Chinese warrior princess born in 598 A.
D.
And you let me know if you need to borrow my sword.
I think our work here is done.
To Pingyang.
- To Pingyang.
- Yes! - No.
- All right, where's our wine.
- He never filled our glass! - I want wine! - Miggy, did the video work? - No.
Look.
- You're bleeding! - What's going on? Are you waiting for a man to come buy us drinks? Are you ignoring us because you don't see us as sexual beings? No, you're very sexual.
How can I see you as anything but? Well, what are you waiting on, then? What's going on? Do I need to jump over this counter and get my own wine? Please don't hurt me! Whoa, whoa, whoa! He can't use a corkscrew, okay? Oh, my goodness.
Making a child defend you? Please! No one is that stupid.
I am! I am that stupid.
There's $1,000 of broken wine bottles - in the trash to prove it.
- Oh! And it sucks 'cause I really want to crush this job.
Poppy's the best person in the world.
And that includes this dude Dwayne you guys don't know.
And for some reason, she believes in me, and I want to give her a reason to believe.
But I can't.
So, it's it's time for me to hang up my wine tie.
- Oh! - I don't deserve this job.
Okay.
It's a clip-on.
- What happened to that boy? - We have to help him, don't we? - Yeah, we do.
- Ugh.
- It's screw time.
- Screw time.
- (groans) - Come on, twist! Come on.
Come on.
Don't be afraid to make a little noise.
- Get your legs involved! - No, clockwise! Clockwise! - (overlapping shouting) - Okay.
- (straining) - (shouting) I almost got it! - (pop) - (all cheering) - Yes! - Yes! Yes! - Ohh! - Oh, wow.
- Thank you.
I did it! - Really, really good.
Hey! What's everyone cheering about? We're cheering because Miggy is so great.
FRANNY: First straight man I've ever respected.
(chuckles) Also, whose kid is this? Miggy! (cheering) He's one of the good ones.
(organ plays Pachelbel's "Canon in D") Hello.
Welcome.
Please remember that this is not a funeral.
It's a celebration of life.
- Daddy! - Sophie! I can't wait to see the slideshow! - You can wait.
Trust me.
- Mm - Ohh.
Can I get a womp-womp?! - All right.
Whose birthday party is this, anyway? What's wrong with your mom? She got a colonoscopy today for pretty much no reason.
To the brim.
I got you.
(imitates whooshing) Sorry.
We should talk about what happened at the pet store.
- I'm worried.
- Oh.
Me too.
Raj is so bad at his job.
Okay, I had a breakdown at a pet store on Cahuenga.
(sighs) Maybe you're right.
I-I I haven't dealt with Rose's death.
It was all a blur.
You know, she died, and I had 10-month-old twins.
They were teething.
It was scarier than the draft.
I didn't have time to grieve.
I-I was doing the best I could.
They were so little.
Douglas, what you did was amazing.
But they're not little anymore.
They're They're looking to you for guidance.
Ave Maria (whispering) It's all I had.
Thank you all for coming.
If you are moved to speak about Pickle, please do so.
I want to say something.
Life is crazy.
I just got a colonoscopy! And the results are in.
I got an A-plus butt.
Yep.
Will's got a butt, too! - Ah.
- I'm down with that.
I guess a lot of us have butts, when you really think about it.
We're not that different, after all.
R.
I.
P.
Pickle, you were one hell of a cat.
- That's all.
- Thank you, Angie.
Now I'll share.
Pickle was funny, kind, and, my God, could she nap.
(crying) RORY: The pet store says the price of a guinea pig is $25, but you can't put a price on Pickle.
I don't know what it all means, - but I do know one thing - (sniffles) Heaven just got a little furrier - and a lot cuter.
- (crying) Good night, sweet princess.
(smooches) Now, I would like to invite Pickle's two moms, Emma and Amy, up to the podium.
(whispering) Girls.
Look, it turns out, you can't replace a pet.
Or people.
And it's important to remember her, and it's okay to feel something.
Okay? So, if you feel like you want to speak, then you should speak.
(whispering) All right.
(applause) Pickle was a guinea pig.
She was brown and white.
She liked cardboard.
Once, she sneezed, and it sounded stupid.
She would eat like this.
They're really opening up.
Also, Rory, we forgive you.
Ohh! Thank you! I think Pickle would want me to dance again.
Miggy! Drop the beat! - Bam! Yeah! Yeah - Okay, Rory! Okay, okay.
I see you! I see you! - Yeah - Lil Jon (groans) Stop.
I want you to know more about your mom.
Which means I need to start talking about her.
So here we go.
I'll tell you everything, beginning with the first place we met.
It was right here.
It was love at first sight.
- Hot Twists! - That's so cool.
Did she make pretzels? Not exactly.
Was she a professional Twister player? In a way.
I bet that's why we're so good at Twister! Tell us more about her.
Yeah, take it away, big guy.
Well, as you know, her real name was Rose but her stage name was Rosé.