Single Parents (2018) s01e07 Episode Script

They Call Me DOCTOR Biscuits!

1 [Indistinct talking, cellphone ringing] - I'm dropping her off early.
- I didn't even say hello.
I heard your mouth open.
We're ahead of schedule.
How can you be ahead of schedule on a day at the aquarium? Well, the fish weren't bringing it.
[Tapping] We've already seen you swim.
Do something else.
All right, we're done here.
Can't you drop off Graham first? I drop off in alphabetical order.
"Cooper" comes before "D'Amato.
" My last name is Banks.
Well, you can't drop off Sophie yet because I haven't had time to water the plants! And I can't water the plants when Sophie's here.
So, figure it out! - Goodbye.
- [Cellphone beeps] I fooled him.
For an hour or two.
But you should probably go.
Sophie's coming home? I'm definitely gonna go.
I don't like seeing clients outside of the office.
You call them clients? But you're so good with kids.
Only when they're sick and the power dynamic is clear.
With a healthy kid, I don't know what to say.
Sophie, I I know we haven't known each other for that long, and please forgive me if this seems insensitive, but is it hard for you to watch your dad water plants? No.
Next stop, your house.
[Tires squeal] [Indistinct talking] [Engine revs] Change of plans.
I'm now dropping off in order of projected career earnings.
Graham, since you're the only future white male in the car, - you'll be first.
- Yes! - Are you kidding me?! Stop! - Gosh! Sorry, everyone else.
The world is an unfair place.
POPPY: Ooh! New drama teacher already feeling his oats.
" [Chuckles] Can't wait to see 7-year-olds tackle Rizzo's pregnancy scare.
Well, Rory will be a transcendent Danny Zuko.
Last year, when I saw him step on stage as Captain von Trapp, I knew I could just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride because I was in the hands of a master.
Don't get me started on Graham.
Nazi 12 and Nun 13? Talk about a utility player.
What was his line, again? He had two "Look!" and [wavering] "Maria?" Well, the girls are building sets.
They just drew a papier-mâché Greased Lightnin' that looks street legal.
I'm afraid of my children.
- Whoa! - Wow! - I hate it.
- Me too.
Screw papier-mâché! We need a real car.
Who has a car so crappy we can just - [Engine sputters] - Forward! I want you to go forward! [Tires screech, horn plays "Yankee Doodle Dandy"] Whoa! Douglas! Big boy.
[Chuckles] Thank you with regards to my time management vis-à-vis watering the plants.
You guys know I'm sleeping with Dr.
Dewan, huh? - Yeah.
- Of course.
What are we talking about? Will, how was it having sex for the first time in half a decade? It's been - dehydrating.
- Word.
That's why I've been doing so much eye drops.
But also, it's so fun, and I never want to stop.
But I'm not ready to tell Sophie yet.
And I-I-I'm so bad at hiding it from her.
Yesterday freaked me out.
Yeah, well, close calls are a part of being a single parent.
We've all had 'em.
Choir practice was cancelled.
I know.
Got your message.
Be right in.
And one time, I had to "E.
" a guy.
Made him sit in Graham's stuffed animal closet for two hours without moving.
So, there are a few techniques.
There's only one technique.
Always lie.
- We're home, Dad! - We're home! Girls, uh meet my sister Gail.
- Yay! - We have an Aunt Gail! Oh, Aunt Gail could go all night.
Lie, Will.
It's the only way.
Not for me, okay? Sophie and I have a very transparent relationship.
I've never lied to her, and I never will.
Watch this.
Sophie! Ask me a hard question.
How old will I be when you die? Probably 51.
Hey, Douglas, uh, your girls are measuring my car.
Should I be worried? With them, yes.
Always yes.
I've been cast as Vince Fontaine.
- Who? - The B-list celeb who judges high school dance contests for some reason.
I guess to supplement his income! Well, who the hell got cast as Danny Zuko? I've been cast as Danny Zuko! The lead of the musical "Grease"! Oh I have so many lines, Mom! And I have to say them! On a platform! In front of people! I think that's called a stage, honey.
All that matters is that you do your best and have fun? Fun?! How can I have fun when the universe has totally biffed it?! Thought you might be running low.
How's Graham? I just caught him vomiting mid-hand jive.
So, yeah, he's a little nervous.
How's Rory? He's He's great.
Unrelated, should we go introduce ourselves to the new drama teacher? Just to Just to what? Bum ourselves out? Oh, no, just to see what could be done about this whole casting boo-boo.
[Chuckles] You know, I mean, I never meddle, bu - Poppy.
- Mm? Have you ever met my friend Poppy? Okay.
I meddle occasionally.
- Occasionally? - Bu You beat up spelling bee judges.
You blackmailed the commissioner of T-Ball.
And I still to this day don't know how Rory, as a first grader, gets to edit the yearbook.
He has a vision Sensations! Hmm Don't tell him that's also a condom.
[Sighs] Okay, fine, I meddle.
And no, Rory's not doing great.
- He's a mess.
- Okay, look.
What you call a casting boo-boo, I call a gross miscarriage of justice.
- Right.
- You don't think I wanna meddle? I wanna meddle so hard, it hurts.
But I won't.
Because no matter how hard it is for me to watch, I'm just gonna have to accept the fact that my son, Graham is going to have to carry a school play.
Oh, God.
Okay, fine, so your answer's no.
Fair enough.
We won't meddle.
I won't meddle.
[Knock on door] Mr.
Biscuits? - Hmm? - I need to talk to you.
[British accent] You know, Mr.
Biscuits was my father.
Please, call me Dr.
Why was this horrifying snake earring under our couch? Dr.
Dewan left it here.
- Dr.
Dewan was here? - Yes, she was.
- With you? - Yes.
Why would my doctor come to my house to see my dad? Oh, no.
Am I really, really, really sick? No.
No, honey.
No, you are not sick.
Then why was my doctor here? Because you're the opposite of sick.
Why would she tell you that in person? Or at all? Aren't lots of people the opposite of sick? Not as opposite of sick as you.
Dewan came to our house in person because you are so the opposite of sick that she nominated you for an award.
And you won! Sophia Nairobi Cooper, congratulations! You're the winner of the Healthiest Child in America Award! Healthiest Child In America is an award you can win? - Mm-hmm.
- Yes! I'm the healthiest child in America! - Yay! - Suck it, Gwen! Gwen's a girl at school who won't shut up about vitamins.
I know who Gwen is 'cause I'm such a good father! - Yaaaaaaaaaay! - Yaaaaaaaaaay! aaaaaaaay.
I got your text.
Healthiest Child in America? I hate it.
But I want to tell you something.
I'm proud of you.
All I've ever wanted was to make you proud.
But not for this, okay? I don't lie to Sophie ever.
I can't lie, okay? I have to come clean.
No, no, no, no.
You never come clean.
You double down.
You double down hard.
Kids, Aunt Gail called.
She did 23andMe, and it turns out we're not related after all.
I'm just glad my parents aren't alive to find out.
If they're even my parents.
No offense to the twins, but Sophie's smart.
She's bought the lie for now, but she's gonna figure it out.
She's a child.
Children are dumb.
Daddy, how come the Healthiest Child in America Award doesn't have a website? - Are you sure it's real? - What?! There's no Healthiest-Child-In-America.
com? No.
There's not.
I must have, um Forgot how to teach your daughter to use the Internet? "Dot com"? Come on, this is a clear-cut "dot gov" situation.
The Healthiest Child in America Awards are funded by taxpayers.
Happily, I should add.
My mistake.
I just assumed it came from the private sector.
So, where am I accepting my award, Dad? You mean me? Just 'cause Douglas is a dad, too, so Washington, D.
The He-Chas are always - What he said.
In - in Washington, D.
We're still doing this, huh? All right.
I respect that.
Why would you say it's in Washington, D.
? It's a national award.
Where else would it be held? - She's onto us.
- Okay, so you're trapped in a lie.
You just keep on lying.
Life's a wild ride, huh? What if I can't lie my way out of it? Sophie has learned a lot from "The Good Wife.
" You can.
We can.
Yes, she's a smart child, but even smart children get bored.
All we have to do is just keep dragging out the lie until she loses interest.
We're in a war of attrition, my friend.
Oh, good.
I'm at war.
- With my child.
- Yes.
So, long story riveting, my porridge won.
And that's how I got my honorary doctorate.
And you are? Uh, Poppy Banks.
I'm Rory's mother.
Yes, your son is wildly talented.
Thank you.
But you didn't cast him as Danny.
Too expected.
You see, Ms.
Banks, theater should never be comfortable.
Theater should never be safe anywhere.
But especially especially here in elementary school.
- I couldn't agree more.
- Mm.
I mean, a straight-ahead, down-the-middle "Grease"? Yawn.
[Laughing] And that's not the Biscuits way.
Ah, you've read my book.
Of course.
You know what I'd do if I had my copy o-of "Daddy Never Clapped.
" Yes.
Oh, I would turn to chapter "Sleep with Caution All You Like, But Always Marry Danger.
" And I'd say What about expanding the role of Vince Fontaine? Ooh.
"Grease" as seen through the lens of Rydell High's first African-American celebrity dance contest judge.
What?! How the They're seven! How would you like for your car to become the Greased Lightnin'? You want my car for your play? Aw, look who came to class.
Don't you want a cool car? Sure, but look at this heap.
It'll never be Greased Lightnin'.
This car could have AC and heating.
[Note blares] Zero leaking.
[Note blares] BOTH: Upholstered seating.
- [Note blares] - This car could be Greased Lightnin'? We'll get some overhead lifters And four barrel quads, oh, yeah Keep talkin', whoa, keep talkin' With a four-speed on the floor They'll be waiting at the door, Greased Lightnin' Go, go, go, go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go Go, Greased Lightnin' You're burnin' up the quarter mile Greased Lightnin', go, Greased Lightnin' You are supreme, the chicks'll scream Uh-huh, uh-huh For Greased Lightnin', yeah Go, go, go Go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go Yeah, I said go, Greased Lightnin', go I said go, you crazy car I said Greasy Lightning, Greasy Thunder Sca-ba-doo-bow-boo-ba Why did Vince Fontaine stop the dance contest to sing "Greased Lightnin'"? And who invited him to the girls' sleepover? He pierced Sandy's ears! You totally meddled! Okay, yes, I meddled so that Graham could have less lines.
- I thought you'd be happy.
- Happy? Please, I'm thrilled Graham has less lines.
But that's me just being selfish.
What if it would be a good thing for Graham to be a lead in the play? What if, I don't know, it got him out of his comfort zone? What if he is one of the great actors of our time? Help! The grease in my hair is attracting bees! Aah! Don't pretend that you meddled on Graham's behalf.
You've never done it before, and he struggles all the time.
Struggling is his brand.
You rewrote "Grease" because you couldn't stand to see Rory struggle.
[Gasps] I did not rewrite "Grease.
" A meddler operates in the shadows.
All I did was ask Biscuits if he could explore the idea of expanding the Fontaine-i-verse! What the hell is Biscuits?! I the hell am Biscuits! Take five, everyone! Everyone but you two.
So, that's the new drama teacher? Yeah, that's Biscuits.
Biscuits is a person.
And that's why, if we are forced to have them, the 50th Annual He-Chas will be the crown jewel of the D.
banquet season.
Now, I have some broadsheets in the car.
Where do you keep your easel? Where don't I keep my easel? [Doorbell rings] - Hey! - Hey.
Uh, what are you doing here? You texted me to come over.
No, I didn't.
How could I have texted you? I don't even know where my phone is.
Your passcode is Al Roker's birthday? Pretty weak, Dad.
Please, come in.
There's much to discuss.
And so it begins.
Okay, I know you only like being around sick kids - Clients.
- So weird that you call them that, but okay, fine.
Your client, Sophie, my daughter, is not sick.
Then what am I doing here? I need you to help me outsmart her, okay? I can't let her find out about you.
Oh, God.
I told you to just tell her.
Well, we are past that, and if she finds out I'm lying, I'm gonna have to spend all my time trying to regain her trust, and I will not have time to bed you.
And you know how well I do that.
I do.
Nothing has surprised me more.
All right, what do you need me to do? Memorize this you nominated Sophie for The Healthiest Child in America Award, and the ceremony's in Washington, D.
's Ritz-Carlton.
The appetizers are in the lobby, and the banquet's in the Crescent Room.
Got it? Got it.
Just one question.
Is there a vegetarian option? Ohh, you - [Giggles] - [Moans] I don't know.
I'll have to check with Douglas.
Come on.
[Sighs] You sit here, Dr.
[Clears throat] Dr.
Dewan, am I the healthiest child in America? I wouldn't have nominated you if you weren't.
[Whispering] You got one hell of a woman on your hands here.
Will I be expected to change gowns between appetizers in the Crescent Room and the banquet in the lobby? Sorry, appetizers are in the lobby and the banquet is in the Crescent Room.
And I'm sure that one gown will be plenty.
Exquisitely handled.
Frankly, she's too good for you.
- [Scoffs] - Just one more question.
There's been rumors going around saying that the banquet might be rescheduled.
Is that true? Uh um A-A ru A rumor? Uh, that's news to me.
That's right, Sophie.
The rumors are true.
The banquet is rescheduled.
- For when? - For tonight.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Bring it.
When was the banquet originally scheduled for? - Christmas Eve.
- Why is it being rescheduled? Because there's a forecast for inclement weather.
But it's an indoor banquet.
Main course indoors, dessert course outdoors.
- What's the dessert course? - Ice cream bar.
Outdoor ice cream in December? Coats provided.
- How late will it go? - All night long, baby.
Washington, D.
, has a 24-hour, year-round, - outdoor ice-cream venue? - You heard me.
What's it called? Event-Boyz Entertainment presents Ice Cream Under The Stars at Arlington National Cemetery.
Okay, you know what? Stop, stop! I can't take it anymore.
Sophie you are not - the healthiest child in America.
- Duh.
Perhaps in an unofficial capacity She's not.
I mean, sure, she's healthy, but let's just say I'm not in love with the ammonia levels in her urine.
Honey Dr.
Dewan and I are seeing each other.
And I lied to you about a fake banquet because I was scared to tell you the truth.
I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry that your dad suffers from a rare disorder that makes him think real banquets are actually fake.
What's it called? Hypo-banquetitis-phrenia Type B.
Fine! You win! There's no banquet! Places.
Biscuits, I'm not sure why Dr.
Or else he'll do an hour on the Porridge Fair.
You are here because you interrupted rehearsal and you made a mockery of everything the cast of "Winter Homecoming: Vince Fontaine's Grease Legacy, Part One" holds dear.
And I would like to know why.
Fair enough.
You know what? We'll hash it out at home and get back to you.
Ah! This is your home now.
A chapel where two friends can bridge the rift that has grown between them.
In the theater, we live, we uncover, and we heal.
I-I didn't understand m-most of that.
None of us understand any of it! And lights up on Oh, me? Uh [Sighs] [Scoffs] - I think - Think as a smoker.
All right, look, speaking for myself, - I just wanted to s - BISCUITS: Unh-unh! No one speaks for themselves unless they're wounded.
And limp.
I know I shouldn't meddle, but there are just so many times that I can't protect Rory.
So when I can, I do.
- Can I take that again? - Yes.
So when I can, I do! Poppy, you are a terrible scene partner.
You're not even looking at me.
I know you are terrified to see your kid fail, but kids need to fail.
It's good for them.
And coming from someone who sees their kid fail all the time, believe me, you get used to it.
And curtain.
I can only pray that your sons can create such truth on stage.
And that you have a loved one that can attend and record it for you.
Because the punishment for disrupting rehearsal is banishment from the theater.
[Gasps] I'm joking! [Chuckles] Just for this play.
Which, by the way, is just "Grease," after all.
I'm saving "Winter Homecoming: V.
One" for summer stock, where the nudity won't be watered down.
I'm really sorry I lied.
And I'm sorry for seeing through your lie, calling your bluff, and forcing you to be honest with me.
So, I guess we both made mistakes.
Sophie, you know that you are the most important person in the world to me, right? And I was just scared that if I started dating someone, you might worry that that's not true anymore.
I get it.
Mom's far away, and it's been just you and me for That's all I needed to hear.
I'll never date again.
No, no.
I want you to.
It'll be weird sharing you with someone, - but also maybe good? - Hmm.
You can be a lot, Dad.
Imagine what it's like being me.
At least you get a break.
Listen, I won't always tell you everything if I think it's for your own good, but I promise you, I will never lie to you.
And if you ever have any questions, I'm always here.
Have you and Dr.
Dewan held hands? Oh, we're doing questions now.
Okay, great.
Yes, we've held hands.
Does it sometimes feel like you're from Mars - and she's from Venus? - Constantly.
What were you guys doing that mashed her earring so far into the carpet? And we've already arrived at something I won't tell you for your own good.
- Sorry.
- Don't be.
When it's for your own good, I don't tell you everything.
I'm glad about that.
That's totally healthy.
[Toy squeaks] This is boring.
Okay, so, I just saw this play performed with all the characters.
Now we're gonna watch it again with just two characters? Why? Because Angie and I were banned from the official premiere.
But not the unauthorized, two-man encore, which leaves 15 roles uncast.
So could be some dead spots.
There won't be any.
'Cause my car steals every scene.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, shh-shh-shh! Here she comes.
[Gasps] Hey, you guys, what's shakin'? Well, I spent most of my time down at the beach.
Is that all you ever think about, Sonny? [Giggles] [Whispering] I'm lost.
Has Danny gone crazy? Dude, I'm watching the same play you are.
So, you got the word, huh? Ease off, Kenickie.
[Breathing heavily] Stop it! I'm sorry you had to see me lose my greatest parenting gift like that.
I'm certain your ability to lie to children will come back eventually.
Yeah, but what if what if it doesn't? Oh, Sandy, you're something else.
[Smooches] - Whoo! - So, what did everyone think? It was the finest play that any of us have ever seen.
- Good job, guys.
- So good.
And we'd like to see it again right now.
- What? - No.
What? I lie, and then I double down.
I've made that very clear.
Come on! GRAHAM: Hey, you guys, what's shakin'? Well, I spent most of my time down at the beach.