Single Parents (2018) s01e09 Episode Script

Ronald Reagan's White House Collectible Pen

Yay! You guys, the Parent Social's tonight! - Just kidding.
That's terrible news.
- Oh, God.
No, no, no, no, no, it's gonna be fun this year, guys.
I'm your Room Parent.
It's kind of my thing.
Douglas is hosting.
But I really, really need your help, guys, 'cause I'm gonna be circulating a petition to get all of the parents in our class to agree not to buy our children phones until eighth grade.
- I call it "Wait Till Eighth.
" - Oh, Will.
- Why? - That's cool.
Guys, seriously.
This is important, okay? Sophie's already addicted to my phone.
Next time you see her, look at her hands.
Her thumbs are frozen like this.
- That's not good.
- So I know that it's lame, but I really need your help gathering signatures, and I will be handing out clipboards.
I'm not holding a clipboard in my own home.
Clipboard's a no-go.
Sorry, Will.
The Parent Social's like high school.
When the kids aren't around, the parent scene becomes a John Hughes movie.
It's all cliques.
And I don't think I have to tell you who the losers are.
- It's us.
The losers are us.
- Yeah, which is fine.
I've never been part of the cool clique or any clique, really.
It was always just me and the stairwell.
But the point is, you know, I'm used to it.
They think we're weird because we're single, but I think they're jealous.
You know they want to sleep in the middle of their beds, and I spread out like a starfish.
- Hm.
- Suck it, marrieds! Be nice to be in love, though.
- Mm.
- Yeah, that would be nice.
And, Poppy, you did us no favors last year.
They called her Sloppy Poppy.
- Ooh! - Hey, I had just finalized my divorce, and there was an open bar.
I was fun.
Oh, please.
I'm the one who threw the damn thing last year, and how was I repaid? My prize possession was stolen.
He's talking about a pen.
It was a Ronald Reagan White House collectible, stolen by that bastard right over there, Mark Rush.
- The sweet dad from our class? - Aww.
Now, that is a kind man.
- Schmuck.
- I even like that guy.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey! Thank you so much for your casserole recipe.
You're so welcome.
Just remember 375, 40 minutes, and then peel off the foil for the final 10.
You're gonna think you died and went to heaven.
- Hey, Douglas.
- Yep.
He's a monster.
Did you forget that Mark worked for me? I mentored him.
I taught him everything he knew.
And then he stole half my patients and started his own practice? And now he's the most popular guy in the school and he thinks he can steal my pen? How do you know it was Mark? You can't just accuse an innocent man.
Yes, I can, because I'm not as good a person as you.
You haven't done a single thing wrong the whole time I've known you.
You You stop completely at stop signs.
You give back extra change.
You're like the Dalai Lama with longer hair.
All right, I know what it's gonna take to get your help with the petition.
Hit me.
- Bingo.
- I need Saturday night.
- I want Tuesday.
- June.
The month of June.
You know what, actually? Let's make a deal.
Saturday nights into Sunday mornings - Yes! - and a Thursday sneak attack - whenever we feel like it.
- She's good.
All right.
- Yes! - Yes! Oh, God, I love exploiting a person in need.
Okay, visual aids are in place, and my special guest speaker is on the way.
Trust me.
The person I am bringing is going - to blow your minds.
- It's Dewan.
- Obviously Dewan.
- The pediatrician you're sleeping with.
Yes, okay.
Douglas, I can't believe you agreed to host this wack-ass party again.
Oh, I have my reasons.
Big plans are afoot this evening.
Well, that's not shady.
All right, until 8:00, you will mingle with parents in your zone.
There's a map on the back as well as talking points.
Angie, your card's already on the ground! I have a weak grip.
Is anybody interested in wearing a cellphone costume later? Super breathable, commercial quality rental We all know who's wearing the costume, Will.
Yeah, and it is my size.
I'm pretty psyched about it.
Okay, gang.
Let's fan out.
Oh, no.
Put me in a different zone.
I have the worst clique.
We don't have cliques.
This is Hilltop.
Oh, you sweet, dumb man.
Look around.
You got the hippies the jocks the power couples the wannabe swingers don't go to their house for a nightcap.
But the scariest are the class trendsetters Jackie, Molly, and Lex.
I call them the We'vers.
We've noticed you haven't picked a dish for the bake sale yet.
We've sent you the SignUpGenius three times.
We've been very disappointed.
Jackie thinks she's so cool because her husband writes for "Gotham.
" All five seasons? Please, don't make me talk to them.
Angie, that's what the note card is for, okay? I think you will find I have a pretty great ear for dialogue.
There are a shocking number of stage directions, but I'll try.
"which puts kids at risk for a permanent hump on the back of their necks.
It's called tech neck.
" I got the jocks.
Where'd they go?! There she is! - Oh.
- My guest speaker! Okay, now, my speech isn't till 8:00, so that gives us an hour and a half to mingle with the parents.
Parents? You said this was a high-profile event.
Uh, it is.
Every single parent is here.
Even Jessica's mom.
She never comes to these things.
Yeah, no, I can't go in there.
They will eat me alive.
Those parents worship me.
It's always, "Dr.
Dewan, can you cure my kid?" "Dr.
Dewan, you're so hot.
" It's a real hassle.
Monica? - Mm-hmm? - These are just normal people trying to enjoy an evening without kids.
It's happening.
They saw me.
This is not good.
None of them are blinking.
They're gonna start to move towards me at some point.
One of the moms just licked her lips.
All right, the traps are set.
All I got to do is sit back and wait for the rat to smell the cheese.
Mark's the rat.
Traps? Really, Douglas? My TV's connected to all the security cameras.
Every room in the house is being watched like the "M.
" finale, especially my study, where I've laid out all of my most valuable, most portable possessions.
And when that Judas steals, everyone's gonna be watching.
As an extra precaution, I got a guy on the ground.
It's me.
I'm on the ground.
- Relax.
- Chill mode.
I'm a "bartender," but I'm really just here to keep an eye on Mark.
Once someone tells me who he is.
Okay, I think this is a terrible plan, and I once took all the kids to the beach.
Let's say he did steal the pen.
So what? He deserves a second chance.
Save it for Earth Day.
He's not a person.
He's a backstabbing turd.
He must be taken off the streets.
This is like "Spy Games," you know? Yeah.
Okay, Miggy.
I hate to break it to you.
- Huh? - You're not gonna catch Mark.
- You don't know that.
- Yes, I do! I stole the pen, Miggy.
Ooh, Miggy conflicted.
Uh, "Did you know smartphone dependence produces the same brain response as a hard-core gambling addiction? Don't love those odds.
" Are you literally reading off an index card right now? Yeah, it's a whole thing.
Will gave me a script.
He scripts everything.
Who does he think he is, Aaron Sorkin? Sorry.
My husband writes for "Gotham.
" Will is obsessed with control.
Let me guess.
He brought a puppet.
Or a tiny smoke machine.
Will is a smoke machine.
Am I right? Well, at least you have better taste in clothes than you do in friends.
I am loving that tuxedo ensemble.
Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't care what my therapist says.
You do know that Will brought a cellphone costume to wear tonight, right? Wait, no! Hot.
I'm dying.
Oh, my God.
Tell us more.
Oh, he has a Hilltop Elementary bomber jacket.
The school doesn't sell those.
That means he made it.
Are you hilarious? I think I am.
We've never really talked to you before.
You actually have, like a hundred times, but it's okay.
Whoo! 7:15 huddle, right on time.
Okay, so, where are we with signatures? My gut tells me 10? - Zero.
- Nothing.
- What signatures? - Really? - No new signatures? - Well, I'm doing great in my zone.
I'm in with the We'vers.
What? Really? That's surprising.
You hate those mean ladies.
Well, that was until I realized that they get me.
They think I'm funny.
You're not funny.
I am when I'm dunking on Will.
Stings a little, but hey, if it gets them to sign on the line.
Could you get them to wear the button? No.
No chance.
But we've been talking, and we've noticed that your girlfriend's hitting the sauce pretty hard.
Did you just "we've" him? Yeah.
I did.
Yes, my lady is on a bullet train to Wobble Town, but for good reason.
Anne, your kid doesn't have ADHD.
That's the sugar you pour down her throat.
I said it.
Sugar's a drug.
Next! You did this.
Keep 'em coming.
My kid still wets the bed.
Zach, your son is 25 years old.
Take them to a urologist.
- Next! - Have I tried cutting her off? Yes.
Not gonna do that again.
Where the hell is that Mark? Probably too ashamed to show his face.
Hey, how are y'all doing? There's the rat.
How dare you show your face? Hey, Mark's so nice.
Look, he brought a full pound cake.
And look, he loves his age-appropriate wife.
Let it go? Did Reagan let Gorbachev go? I will not back down! Miggy, you've got to hold it together.
I'm freaking out, you know? I'm supposed to be Douglas' eyeballs.
Eyeballs don't have secrets.
Eyeballs are supposed to be loyal to the brain.
Be loyal to me.
I'm your boss and your landlord.
And, unless you were lying last week, your favorite person to nap next to.
It wouldn't rock my world to find out Angie was a liar and a thief, but you're my idol.
There's still one question that haunts me.
Why? Haunts you? You just found out 10 minutes ago.
And I didn't steal the pen.
Sloppy Poppy did.
Now that I'm divorced, my life's my own again.
I am taking a pizza-making class, I am become very vocal on Yelp, and I What are you having? Uh them digits.
And the rest is all a blur.
Somehow I woke up at a bus stop in Torrance.
How I got there, I'll never know.
I assume it was by bus.
Anyway, I kept thinking that Douglas would forget about it, but now he's obsessed with taking Mark down, and Mark's the best! So where's the pen? Where is any pen, Miggy? I don't know.
It's a pen.
You got to tell Douglas the truth.
I know.
I should.
But Douglas thinks of me as a saint, and honestly, I love that, because it means I get to yell at him about all the things he does wrong, and yelling at Douglas is one of my favorite things to do.
Now, if he finds out I stole his pen and lied about it for a year, he never has to listen to me again.
I was just about to change his mind about Tucker Carlson.
But what about Mark? You're really gonna let him take the fall? - What about Tucker Carlson? - Uh A tour is not necessary, Douglas.
I've seen your house.
Well, you can see it again, give us a chance to catch up.
- So, how you been? - Not great.
My dad's not responding to the radiation and Yeah, that's rough.
Let's walk, huh? Oh, my God.
Remember the Vegetable of the Day e-mail that Will sent about lunches? - Oh, my God! - The worst.
He cares so much.
Some of us care just as much, and we waited our turn for nothing.
I was supposed to hand down Room Parent to Molly this year.
Being Room Parent was all I had.
I do not want to go back to life coaching.
Will weaseled his way in with a million stupid ideas.
Remember Teacher Sleepovers? Oh.
Pimp My Calculator? - Ugh.
- Or tonight.
These socials are meant for us to blow off steam, but instead, every two minutes, he comes up with a petition saying, "Hey, gang.
" Hey, gang.
How's it going? Just wondering if you got a chance to put your J Hancock on the petition for Wait For Eighth.
- Hey, Will.
- Hi, Lexi.
Oh, my God.
Uh, you know, Will, right now really isn't a good time.
Oh, okay.
I'm so sorry.
I'm off to the ol' sauna to don the cellphone costume.
Sure you don't want to wear it? Last chance.
No? Okay.
Hey, guys! You're so bad, Angie! I hate him so much.
He's Uh, yeah.
It's so great you're on our side about Will.
- Now you can help us.
- Help you what? Take him down.
So Molly can become Room Parent.
Alexa, turn on the trophy lights.
These all yours? Yes.
Go ahead.
Pick 'em up.
Uh, no.
I-I don't need to Pick them up, Mark.
That was signed by Pete Rose, Mr.
Charlie Hustle himself.
I met him at a wet T-shirt contest in Reno.
There's a class act.
"Thanks for making gorgeous so easy.
Best wishes, Bo Derek.
" Her Botox work alone paid for my big car.
Yep, that's just one of the many treasures that I've amassed.
Anyway, I should probably get back to my guests now.
No, no, no, no.
You stay and admire my collection.
Oh, I should really get back to my wife You'll stay and admire my collection.
Alexa, set the temperature to 90 degrees.
The heat is set to 90.
The sauna's occupied! Oh.
Hey, I'm leaving, okay? Some mom had her kid call me so I could hear his cough.
It was just the worst.
Are you dressed like a phone? I am.
And you can't leave.
I need you for the presentation.
What's in it for me? - Oh, you mean sexy time.
- Mm-hmm.
- Boop, boop, boop - Oh! boop.
If I let you dial me, you'll stay? Mm-hmm.
Operator, I got disconnected.
Can you connect me? Ooh.
Yes, ma'am.
We can help you with that.
You could either consult your directory or for ten cents Mm-hmm.
Mark is in the study right now.
Turn on that camera.
He's got Bo.
He's got Bo! Okay, everybody, gather around.
Zoom in, Miggy.
Zoom! Douglas, I'm not the eyeballs you thought I was.
Oh, crap on a cracker.
Someone's having sex in my sauna! Yeah, I know it's roaming, but I still want data! Sorry.
Oh, that's great.
I think that's Will.
By the amount of apologizing happening, it definitely is.
4 and the 6.
Touch the 4 and the 6.
Is that cellphone role-play? - Oh, my - I'm going in the canyon.
Can you hear me? Incoming call.
Did someone just get a text? Will, Will, before you go out there, I have to tell you something.
Gonna have to put that on hold, Angie.
It's 8:00.
No, I really have to tell you something.
- Will you come back No Okay.
- Speech time, baby.
God, what do we do? Check one, check one.
Can I get a level up on this? Nope? Okay.
Uh, welcome, everyone.
Are we having fun? Not as much as you.
That's true.
I am having a very good time.
- But now it's time to get a little serious.
- Angie.
A phone makes our lives easier.
Oh, right.
I'm still popular.
But it also makes our lives less present.
Isn't this hilarious? He has no idea.
- Now, you guys have seen enough of me.
- Yeah, we have.
Ha! I missed that, but let's save all our questions till the end of the speeches, please.
- Will.
- It is my privilege to bring here our very special guest Wait.
taker of tonsils, fixer of boo-boos.
Please put your hands together for Dr.
Monica Dewan.
- Angie.
Check it.
- So, does your child have a cellphone? This is our ticket to take back the room.
But being the Room Parent is really important to Will.
I mean, he got business cards made.
We told him never to pass them out, but still, he's got 'em.
After I e-mail the sex tape to the principal, that dork is out of here.
Assuming the principal's not, like, super into it.
He's worse than Sloppy Poppy.
a personal parenting choice around cellphones.
As a doctor, um, it's not really my field of expertise.
Can I see your phone? I want to re-watch that part of the video where Dewan pulls out his antenna.
So good.
And deleted.
- What?! - I was gonna watch - that video multiple times.
- You know what? Will might be a dork, all right, but dorks are just people who care a lot, and Will cares more than any of us.
I mean, h-h-he shows up on Saturdays at school to pick up trash in the schoolyard.
He buys art supplies with his own money.
And he rented that dumb cellphone costume, which he is never going to get his deposit back on, because our children matter to him.
in closing, please respect my office hours.
They're there for a reason.
Angie, hot water and lemon would be wonderful.
Thank you.
We all saw you and Dewan in the sauna.
- Douglas has cameras everywhere.
- What?! Um, when you say "saw us," do you mean - Yes.
- This is so humiliating.
Nobody touch me.
Just clear a path.
Wait, Monica.
We need signatures.
I'm going home.
I'll meet you later if you bring that phone costume.
Screens are known to impair sleep, and sleep disturbances can cause other health problems, like stunted growth.
And that should be keeping you up at night.
I'm Angie D'Amato, and I'm going to wait till eighth! You memorized your index card.
Yeah, well it was a really long line to the bathroom.
Are you the worst? Yeah! Yeah! I think I am! And you know what? Maybe we all are.
Maybe we're the losers, but I'd rather be one of us than one of you! Except for you, Mark.
You're the best.
Glad you're here, Mark.
You're just such a nice guy.
- Such a nice guy.
- He's the best.
- Love Mark.
- Love Mark.
You're the man, Mark.
It's true.
Mark's a great man.
He's the homey right there.
I am so sick of everyone siding with Mark.
He's a thief.
All right.
No, Douglas, he isn't.
Mark didn't steal your pen.
Yes, I did.
Ha! How? I thought I stole it.
- What? - You did, and then Mmm.
Nice hands.
My grandma used to call brothers like you "easy on the eyes.
" I knew it! Vindication.
I was just trying to even the score.
You worked me so hard nights, weekends.
No matter how many atypical moles I found, it was never enough.
And that gives you the right to steal another man's Reagan pen? It filled the void! And yes, I admit, it made me feel important because it made me feel like you.
- Aww.
- Is that so bad? No.
No, it's not bad at all.
Thank you for telling the truth, Mark.
That's real, bro.
I'm human.
Who cares about Mark and the stupid pen?! - The real thief here is Will.
- What? Molly was next in line for Room Parent.
Well, it looks like you waited in the wrong line, bitch! D'Amato mic drop! Oh, that's a rental.
Oh! Welcome home, Mr.
I'll love you like Nancy never could.
That's a good pen.
I could see wanting to steal that thing.
All right, I know I've given up the moral high ground.
I'm never gonna live that down, am I, Douglas? Correct.
But if I'm gonna be honest, I kind of respect you more.
I mean, you lied to me for a year.
That takes sand.
Well, Cellphone Guy, saddle up next to Sloppy Poppy.
It's not the worst nickname I've ever had.
I used to be the Fur Coat Kid 'cause I had this parka with, like, a fur hoo Oh, and Turkey Hands Will, just 'cause my hands always smelled like turkey.
And Snack Boy.
My mom always packed so many snacks.
Mine was "Elvis," 'cause of my haircut and all my sequined jump suits.
I was in a real weird phase for a while.
Everyone always called me Donna because I looked exactly like my sister, Donna.
May she rest in peace.
Well, look at you now.
Still the losers.
But I'm proud to be a part of this group.
- And now, if you would, drum roll.
- Hey.
How many signatures did we collect? "Herbie Hind.
" Very funny.
Herbie Hind.
So clever.
Thank you, but you don't technically count.
"I Saw Your Weiner.
" That's not even a name.
- I did that! - Thank you.
No cellphones till eighth grade! Also, we're never doing the social night again.
- Absolutely not.
- This was truly awful.
- Never again.
- Horrible! I love you guys.
Oh, gosh.
- And you ruined it.
- What? How did I ruin it? I just was expressing my affection.
- I love you, Will.
- Thank you, Miggy.
I love you as well.
Everybody get out of my house.