Single Parents (2018) s01e22 Episode Script

Lance Bass Space Cump

1 Can we just talk about it a little longer? There's nothing left to say about me and Douglas.
Come on, I need this.
Look.
Douglas and I agreed that kiss was a one-time mistake.
We both put it to bed.
I've moved on, and apparently, he has, too.
- Who is that mysterious hottie? - No idea.
Maybe a new girlfriend.
- But hey, it's none of my business.
- Okay.
I will never forgive you for being so boring about the most interesting thing that's ever happened.
Wow.
He's already introduced her to the twins.
That was fast.
But, again none of my business.
Let's see about that.
Hey, Douglas! Hey! - Come introduce us to your busty friend! - [Laughs] - Bring her over here.
- Angie, no.
What's the big deal? You said it's not a big deal, - that it's none of your business.
- I did say it's not a big deal, - but you don't have to do this, Angie.
- So what's the harm? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Hiiii! Ladies, this is my mother-in-law.
This is Rose's mom.
Barbara.
So, are you guys lesbians? 'Cause I'm gettin' a vibe.
Yeah.
- Hmm? - She's a monster.
It's a place to make cool graphs Lance Bass Space Camp Rocket ships and lots of math Lance Bass Space Camp Dance and sing from 2:00 to 3:00 Lance Bass Space Camp Oh, my God, I have never loved and hated something as much as I love and hate that amazing, horrible song.
There's a rumor that that's the last song Prince ever wrote.
You know, I understand the rockets and math, but why do they dance and sing from 2:00 to 3:00? Well, because like the man who founded it Lance Bass Space Camp is focused 90 percent on space, 10 percent on the performing arts.
[Sighs] Whatever.
I'm just loving how long it is.
- Four weeks kid-free? - [Exhales sharply] I decided I'm gonna spend the whole thing at a resort.
And since I can't afford that, I'm gonna post-up at Douglas' pool.
Well, I'm jealous you're excited about Graham leaving.
I'm gonna miss Sophie so much.
A day without her is painful, but four wee four weeks [Gags] Are you gonna puke or cry? It's both.
It's sort of a standard puke-cry.
It's gonna happen a lot.
[Gags] I'm fine.
God.
How many waivers do you need to sign to send your kid to fake space? They don't put that in the song.
What waivers? The waivers.
For camp.
- Did you not get waivers? - I don't think so.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's my space camp check.
I never mailed it in.
I-If you didn't mail the deposit, then Sophie isn't signed up for Lance Bass Space Camp Yeah.
That.
Hey, how was your dad's? Exhausting.
He and Sharon are in a fight, - and they think I don't know.
- [Indistinct arguing] MIGGY: Man.
Some relationships are just roller coasters.
When I think about what my ex and I went through Ex? You mean Bobbi with an "I"? The golf pro? - Yeah.
- Miggy, you guys dated for a week.
That's not a serious relationship.
Then why is she still e-mailing me? She's not.
This is her newsletter.
"Golf Tolf"? - Is "Tolf" supposed to be like "Talk"? - [Door slams] - Fine! - Sharon.
[Sighs] Uh, Sharon didn't get the permit for our beach wedding, - and now I'm days away, no venue.
- Really? City permits seem like something a 23-year-old fiancée would have on lock.
[Chuckles] I can't argue with that.
- Mm-hmm.
- I just wish that I knew someone you know, someone who owned a space, a space with a bar and good lighting, reasonable prices, parking, close to the freeway.
Ho'd up.
Are you trying to get your ex-wife - to host your wedding? - Eh.
Okay, that's a freakish level of confidence, even for you.
- Wait.
Shh.
You hear that? - What? Oh, my God.
That's your big heart.
Yes! Boom.
Boom.
"Let's help Ron.
" It's saying it wants to help me! - It's not saying that.
- Shh! There's more! "I can't let two people get married at Burger King!" Please, Poppy.
- Think of everything I've done for you.
- Mm Nothing.
You've done nothing for me.
Puh-lease.
- Don't dance like - [Squeals] - do that dance.
- [Doorbell rings] Hey.
What are you doing here? Getting the good chaise.
Is the kitchen open? I want to put in an order for a club sandwich.
Uh, you know, I already told you, you're not gonna turn my house into a Sandals.
What's with the lesbian and the pool stuff? Screw it.
I'll just text you when I'm thirsty.
Y-You know what? I would rather H-Hey! I need to borrow a tight stocking.
My phlebitis is not taking to this weather.
Okay, Barbara, you're a young woman.
We both know you don't have phlebitis.
Hey.
You don't know what years on the road have done to this body.
But that's the life of a professional cheerleader.
Listen, I know how this works.
You fly in once a year, and you bring the twins tiaras and an autographed card of whatever minor league - baseball player you're sleeping with - [Giggles] and then you hit up King Wallet.
So why don't we just cut to the chase? I'll write you a check, and you can leave.
I don't need your money anymore.
- I won big at Caesars.
- Palace? Little Caesars.
I can't get my morning Mountain Dew without hitting up their slot machine.
If you don't need money, then why are you here? I want you to let the twins spend the summer with me in Reno.
W-With you? [Chuckling] Yeah.
Okay, that's not happening.
T-The twins and I, we already have our summer planned.
We're building a Jacuzzi.
- The girls have already broken ground.
- Douglas.
They're my grandkids.
And I miss them.
They're almost eight.
That's the year that I got my dear Rose, oh, bless her soul, her first pair of jazz shoes and stage teeth.
- [Door closes] - Your room's ready, ma'am.
Girls, how would you like to spend the summer with me in Reno? I'll give you a line of credit, no bedtime, and unlimited gum.
- Yay! - Yay! - Reno! - Reno! - Reno! - Reno! - Reno! - Reno! - Reno! - Reno! WILL: Uh-huh.
I see.
So, barring a flu epidemic that hits all the right children, my kid isn't going to space camp? Okay.
Well, thank you for your time, Crystal.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
I don't know where that came from.
- Goodbye.
- [Cellphone beeps] Sophie isn't going to space camp? What? W-Why would you say that? Big Dubs.
It's me.
Oh, Little G.
I can't lie to you.
I messed up.
Sophie lost her spot at space camp.
She's gonna be crushed.
Yes, she'll be sad.
But Sophie's a reasonable gal.
She'll understand if you just tell her what happened.
Dad? Why are you on the floor with Graham's hand on your shoulder? The thing is, Soph, your father made a mistake.
He forgot to mail in the deposit, and he is so sorry, but you're not going to space camp.
No, I'm going to space camp.
Soph, I don't think you understand Soph understands.
Soph understands very well.
And now you are going - to fix it.
- 'Kay.
See, it worked out.
All you have to do is fix it.
Listen, about Reno.
I just don't think it's best for the girls to go.
Let me guess you got this all handled on your own? No, we do all right.
We have a system I love them, I fear them, it works.
Remember the voicemails that you left after Rose died? - I stitched a few of 'em together.
- [Cellphone beeps] DOUGLAS: Barbara, one of 'em pooped in the tub! I-I won't clean it! You know what? - I'm just gonna sell the house.
- [Cellphone beeps] - Barbara, Emma just ate a bird! - [Cellphone beeps] - Barbara, Amy's swinging a hammer! - [Cellphone beeps] They get more pathetic from there.
And what happens when they get older? You know what's headed your way? Periods.
I-I think I can probably manage.
So, they go to the drug store and they introduce themselves to the pharmacist and he directs 'em to the - sanitary napkin aisle, and there's a - No, dummy.
You said it yourself.
They need a woman.
- Here.
Listen.
- [Cellphone beeps] I can't do this.
Take these kids.
I'm not built for this.
- Please.
- [Cellphone beeps] You got to think about what's best for your girls.
Now, you might want to turn away 'cause I'm gonna let the hogs out.
Wait.
W-Wait.
Wait.
No, no.
Don't worry.
Showing up in person's gonna set us apart.
It's like Wayne Gretzky, The Great One, said "You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don't take.
" Ah, Wayne Gretzky.
The Killer Clown.
That's Wayne Gacy.
What is your mom letting you watch? [Indistinct conversation] SOPHIE: I think all these people are trying to get in.
And they all got here before us.
Cool.
Cool, cool.
Cool.
Thanks for watching.
One last thing before I blast off deposits for Lance Bass Space Camp are due By, by, by March 1st MAN: Three, two, one.
Blastoff! You guys hungry? Want any Goldfish? Soph? Graham? There it is "Son of a Beach, My Beach Wedding Has No Beach.
" I'm not sure how this book is feminist.
That's why we keep it up here.
- Here.
- Thank you.
Appreciate it.
It's really nice of you to help me plan this wedding.
I know it can't be easy considering you're Single? Oh, please.
Ron, don't paint a picture like I'm some lonely crone who's not getting any action.
I am out there, okay? I am having nighttime encounters.
That sounds real.
It is real.
I'm in these streets.
I'm [Snaps fingers] Matter of fact, just the other day, I had a questionable make-out.
Who was it with? It was a mistake.
It made things complicated.
I don't want to talk about it.
You know, uh, for the record, I still don't like hearing about you with other guys.
- Ron, you're getting married.
- Hey.
Remember our wedding? Who could forget every bride's dream? Courthouse at noon on a Tuesday.
Hey, we were supposed to make up for that.
Now, come on.
Remember? We said we were gonna eventually have a big wedding with all of our friends and a band and a cake, our first dance.
Yeah, well, probably best it didn't happen 'cause I've never seen you dance without taking your shirt off.
Oh, come on.
That is - Oh, my God.
- True.
Well, you know what? - I came up with a saying.
- Oh.
- It's never too late.
- Okay, you did not make that up, Ron.
Never too late.
[The Spinners' "Could It Be I'm Falling In Love" plays] Wow.
Shall we? Winebrary, for the first time, please welcome - Poppy and Ron.
- You're keeping your shirt on.
- Maybe.
Uh-oh.
- Could it be I'm falling in love With you With you With you [Knock on door] I didn't take that $20 from your kitchen counter.
We both know that you did, and I don't care.
Listen, I need your advice.
My advice? Why? Well, normally, I'd ask Will and Poppy, but, you know, they're not like you and me.
I mean, we love our kids, but we frequently wish that they'd go away.
Big-time.
Barbara offered to take the twins for the summer.
You know, to teach 'em girl stuff.
And I should be over the moon, but I'm not.
Wait.
Hang on.
I did bring my floating basketball hoop to your house? Yes, I did.
Go on.
All right, see, I was really excited about building the Jacuzzi with them, you know? We We had it all planned.
We were gonna start construction early in the morning, and then we would break for lunch and pretend we're eating on a beam high above 1920s New York City.
And then we would unwind with a-a cold one as we'd listen to a baseball game on AM radio.
Ah, the summer it was gonna be.
I cannot wait to see what those girls turn out like as adults.
But look, i-if you want them here for the summer, then they should stay here.
You think so? Yeah, you're their father.
Wait.
Are you saying if the twins stayed, then I could be soaking in a new Jacuzzi? Well, technically, that was included in the words I said, but I'd hardly define that as "what I'm saying.
" Then those girls aren't going anywhere.
Where are they right now? Well, they're with Barbara.
Uh, but, you know, I really don't feel that you're tending to my emotions the way I imagined when I was driving over here.
Deposits for Lance Bass Space Camp are due By, by, by March 1st GRAHAM: I get something new from this every time.
This camp is going to be amazing! And I 100% get to go! All right, Graham, take a lap.
[Sighs] Sophie, I'm so sorry I let you down.
I don't know what happened.
You didn't mail the check, Dad.
Yeah, I meant sort of more big picture.
But you're right.
I was careless.
You're never careless.
So I'm left to speculate.
If you really wanted me to go, you would've mailed the check, right? So on some level, you wanted me to stay home.
My God.
I think you're right.
And that would definitely explain the dream I had where I buried Lance Bass alive.
It's fine.
I'll stay.
And we'll do the thing we do every summer Will Cooper Couch Camp.
I'll cut out paper hearts while we sit under blankets and blast the A/C for two months.
That does sound like so much fun.
But I can't let that happen.
I'm gonna fix this.
How? There's nothing else you can do.
Oh, there's one more thing I can do.
[Bonnie Tyler's "Holding Out For a Hero" plays] Hey! I'd like to speak to your supervisor.
He's on the third floor.
We don't allow people on the third - The third floor! - Aah! No! I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast And he's gotta be fresh from the fight [Music stops] Oh.
Hello.
- Are you Buzz Aldrin? - No.
Then get out! So, anyway, my daughter is dying to come to this camp, but I forgot to mail in the check.
And now she's gonna have to go to Couch Camp.
Ooh, is that where you learn how to design, build, and mass produce your own furniture line? No, it's where you just sit on the couch with your dad all summer.
I think what you're talking about is trade school.
I don't know.
I love my child, but I worry that I'm holding her back.
- I'm lost.
- I get it.
I have moments where I feel that way, too.
When I get overwhelmed, I go back to what inspired me to start a space camp with a nod to performing arts in the first place.
And what is that, Lance Bass? All my great loves zero gravity, anti-matter, hitting your mark, the heliosphere, Fosse You're right.
I have to go back to what initially inspired me to be a parent raising a daughter who's gonna learn how to fly.
I can't keep keeping her down.
Oh, my gosh.
S-Say that again.
I can't keep keeping her down.
Yes.
Yes.
I've been trying to write a new song for the camp, and I have been stuck.
Check it.
- When you're out on your own - [Piano plays] All alone in this cold town You need to blast up in the sky You gotta learn to fly The world can't keep keeping you down Blast off to Space Camp Lance Bass Space Camp With a nod to performing arts Oooh Space Camp God, it feels good to collaborate again.
Hey, can you stay and jam? Will it help my daughter get into space camp? Depends.
Can you count me in and make it splashy? Her name's Sophie Cooper, and she has all her shots.
Two, three, four! [Piano music plays, tambourine jingles] Douglas.
Orngie.
What are you doing here? You want a vodka? - I've got a flask.
- Okay, listen, Barb.
We got to talk about this summer.
There's nothing to discuss.
I'm taking your girls to Reno.
They'll fit right in.
Just look at 'em.
ANGIE: Oh, my God.
What the hell am I looking at? Dad, check it out.
We're fancy ladies.
Grandma Barb says we look fine as hell.
No.
No.
[Screams] Get this crap off my face! All right, that's it, Barb.
You're not taking Emma and Amy.
Why not? You don't know what to do with two little girls.
They're not little girls.
They're demented maniacs who happen to be awesome because they've got a dad who lets them be exactly who they want to be.
Day laborers.
Hey, look.
I'm not the same selfish 54-year-old boy that you once knew.
I've learned a lot of parent things.
I know how to do a high ponytail.
I've seen multiple movies about trolls.
I know what temperature my oven has to be for chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, and chicken fries.
Okay.
So maybe you've changed.
But what? You can't just send me home.
I want to know my granddaughters.
They don't have their mother, but they do have me.
I know you miss her.
I do, too.
I'll tell you what.
Instead, why don't you just, uh, spend a few weeks with us, huh? But you have to pay for your own booze.
I think I can agree to those terms.
Oh, no! I'm top heavy! Emma, help! Grab her.
Grab her! [Crash] When you're not fully grown, with tiny bones On this planet You need to learn about Mars and neutron stars And why gravity keeps keeping you down And eat space food Freeze-dried space food With a hot meal for your dinner Lance Bass Space Caaamp Oh, my God.
That was so good! It's really good, Lance.
Do you think we could maybe take a quick five? To help with the creative flow.
A pause for the muse.
- Great idea.
- Yeah.
But also to talk about what I originally came in here for.
My daughter, Sophie.
She wants to come to this camp so bad.
If you could just hear her out.
I'll go get her.
- She's just out - Hi, Dad.
Oh, wow.
You're literally right here.
It's Lance Bass Space Camp.
It's cool.
They're with me.
- Well, any friend of Bill.
- It's Will.
This is my daughter, Sophie.
And this is Graham.
- And who's Graham? - Angie's son.
- And who's Angie? - She's a friend.
Oh.
I'm friends with Richard Gere.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
It is.
Sophie, look, I know how bad you wanted to go to Lance Bass Space Camp.
But I do ask that you register I know By, by, by March 1st Actually it's By, by, by March 1st I thought I did that.
That being said, your dad loves you so much, it's inspiring.
It inspired the new theme song.
And now it's inspiring me to make a rare exception you're going to Lance Bass Space Camp, girl! And I don't want to blow your mind, but at the end, you're gonna get to kiss the skull of Yuri Gagarin.
- I don't believe it! - I was already going! [Cheering] Uh, you still have to pay me, though.
And I can't waive the $800 late fee.
I'm so sorry.
- No, I understand.
- Yeah.
- Oh, you mean, like, right now? - Yes.
- Oh, got it.
Okay.
Of course.
Of course.
- Yeah, that would be great.
So, I just make that out to Lance Bass Space Camp? Actually, can you make it out to Lance Bass Space Cump? There was an error in our articles of incorporation.
Yeah.
DOUGLAS: Thanks for sticking up for me.
Hey, I didn't say anything that wasn't true.
Nobody except you could raise those little weirdos.
I think eventually, their interests are gonna grow beyond just simple home demolition, and I won't be able to handle 'em alone.
But it'd be nice for them to have a woman in their life.
Well, you're gonna find someone, Douglas.
Maybe you already have.
Good God.
You know I kissed Poppy.
Guh Wha? Nuh-uh.
Yeah.
Of course I know.
You ladies and your yappin'.
That's exactly what we call it.
But, you know, if you care about her, you should tell her.
Now? [Chuckles] We can finish our drinks first.
[Slurping] Okay, easy.
[Doorbell rings] - Hey.
- Hey.
What happened? You need me to plan your honeymoon, too? No.
I'm here because I [Sighs] I can't stop thinking about you.
Okay.
Ron, walking down memory lane had me in my feelings, too, but you're about to marry Sharon.
At the Winebrary.
You already put down your $10 deposit.
I can't lose you again.
And I think you feel the same.
[Sighs] [Engine starts] Hey, thanks for getting me into space camp.
I know it wasn't easy and you had to fight against all of your natural instincts.
Yeah.
Should I quit my job and become a songwriter? - Mm, no.
- Okay.
- Oh, I love you! - I love you, too.
Go.
Fly.
Make sure to sit in an emergency exit row.
And don't let space become your new father! Okay, we got your EpiPen, Band-Aids, Motrin, motion sickness pills, sleep mask four bottles of cologne? Hey, if Hilltop's any indication, I'll have at least four girlfriends before the end of camp.
Bringing that swagger to space.
I'm a proud mom.
- Be safe.
- Bye, Mom.
Bye, Graham.
Mom? It's, um already time for me to go? To space camp? Lance Bass Space Camp? Mom? I gotta go to space camp! - Bye.
- Bye.
You know, I think I've made progress.
Not sure if I even need these crying shades.
Angie, you okay? Can we go get ice cream? But not, like, good ice cream but, like, cheap, comforting, garbage ice cream? Yeah.
I'll drive.
That bus took my baby! Angie! Angie! You're never gonna catch Oh, wow.
She's pretty fast.