Single Parents (2018) s01e23 Episode Script

Ketchup

1 [Knock on door] Angie? I just came to check on you.
You, uh, didn't seem to love sending our kids off to camp.
That bus took my baby! WILL: Angie! I'm having a meltdown.
I don't understand it.
I was so excited for my summer freedom, and then I see that bus pulling away, and I just lost it.
I get it.
It's weird.
We sent our kids to space! Or a simulated version of space at a camp in the desert two hours outside of Los Angeles.
But hey, they are in good hands.
I met Lance Bass, and he really is I know you met him! Stop name-dropping Lance Bass! Okay, I can tell that you are on edge, and I get it.
You know, we can focus on all the things we can do now that we're kid-free.
- Yeah.
- I mean, booze cruise.
We've always wanted to try stand-up.
Oh! Grown-ups-only pizza party question mark? Oh, I got it.
I'm gonna go pick up Graham.
- What? - Yeah.
I can't do this.
I'm gonna go get him.
Okay, did you hear the thing I said about booze cruise? 'Cause I think that's a healthier area But then I wouldn't be with Graham.
If I go pick up Graham, then, I'm gonna be with Graham.
And I can still drink.
Okay, then I'm gonna drive you.
- Really? - Yeah.
I don't want you to be alone right now.
That means a lot to me.
Because I'm out of gas like, all the way out.
Road trip! And I look out my car window, a-and there she is Poppy, with Ron, necking like a couple teens on V-J Day.
- Yo, D-Glass! - We're home, Dad.
Hey, Miggy.
I'm dealing with something here.
Can you come back in 10 years? No, no, no.
There's something we got to show you.
And get dressed, old man.
You're not retired yet.
[Miggy grunts] Hey, hey! What the hell?! Oh, no! There's sand in my sneakers.
There's got to be a better way.
Presenting Beach Sneaks.
Using proprietary Beach Sneaks technology It's a bag on a shoe.
I get it.
Well, then, let's cut to the chase.
I'm giving you the chance to get in on the ground floor.
What do you say? Take every penny I have.
- Yay! - Oh! - Yes! - That was insincere.
I will give you nothing for this idea.
Off you go.
Your idea stinks.
And if it didn't, I still wouldn't invest, because you clearly have no idea about business.
We need to talk about last night.
No, we need to talk about an opportunity - that'll change your life, right? - Nah.
You're leaving.
- Terrific.
- Everyone loves to wear sneak - Can I pose a quesh? - [Sighs] How's Graham gonna feel about us showing up? What if he's not happy being the only kid taken out of camp the first day? I don't want to focus on that.
I just want to focus on the part where he's with me, in our house, staying there, and not leaving.
Angie, is it possible you have abandonment issues? [Scoffs] Me? Well [Sighs] Fine.
Make it about me.
But, you know, if I do have "abandonment issues," it's only because everybody leaves.
That's how the world works.
- Everybody? - Yeah, everybody.
Grandparents, pets, Bobby Fischer - where the hell is that guy? - I don't know.
Every teacher at the end of the school year just gone, like it all meant nothing, Graham's dad, every pen I've ever owned.
O kay.
Let's go back one.
Where do all the pens go? They can't all be in the couch cushions.
Graham's dad? You never say anything about him.
Can we talk about that? I don't like to talk about it.
I get super pissed.
Angie.
[Sighs] Fine.
Uh I was working the merch table at a music festival.
I'd just been fired from American Eagle.
[Rock music plays] And one night, I was jamming on a churro, when I hear a killer scream coming from the stage.
[Singer screams in deep voice] I look up, and there is the sexiest man I had ever seen, shredding on his guitar.
Derek.
We locked eyes.
It seemed like fate.
He threw me his guitar pick.
That night, I joined them on tour.
I was on that bus all summer.
It was super stinky, but I loved it.
And I loved him.
Oh, my God.
You lived on a tour bus? Did you and the band members go sightseeing on Shut up! You asked for this story! Anyway it was magical.
But then about six weeks into the tour, I told him I was pregnant.
And he seemed really happy.
We talked about how cool it would be to raise a kid on the road.
- Next thing I knew - [Coughing] he left me at a bus stop in Sacramento.
So it's mostly abandonment issues.
But I got a bus thing, too.
Oh, Angie, I'm so sorry.
[Scoffs] Damn it! Now I'm pissed! I knew this would happen! - I need to rock! - [Click] WOMAN ON RADIO: There's only one veterinarian who should be allowed to neuter dogs, and his name is God.
Damn desert stations! I'm plugging in! [Sighs] Ain't it funny how everyone tells you - Stop apologizing.
- But I feel bad.
About what? You seeing me kiss Ron, after you and I had our thing last week.
Thing? Wha Wha Wha What thing? I-I'm sorry.
I really don't remember.
I'm a very busy single dad, trying to have it all.
Come on, Douglas.
We kissed.
You know, you were here, I was there.
We pushed our faces together, and then we pulled apar [Slaps legs] Now I'm just explaining what a kiss is.
R-R-R-Right.
All right, well, look.
Don't feel sorry for me, because I got to be honest I barely remember our encounter.
- Is that right? - You seem skeptical.
- I am.
- Because? Well, for one thing, you were sitting in front of my house last night in your car.
I could hear the Simply Sinatra station from my porch.
Hmm? What were you doing there? I-I was returning a-a blazer that Yeah.
Returning a blazer? Yep.
Yep.
Rory's special purple blazer the one he calls "Liza.
" I must have mistakenly grabbed it, thinking it was mine.
Oh, I know Liza.
I iron her once a week.
So, you thought that a tiny, grape-colored blazer was yours? - That's right.
- Not buying it.
Well, buy it or don't buy it, baby, 'cause that's the truth.
You're too scared to tell me the truth because you're weak.
I-I'm weak? You're the one that's getting back together with your ex! Look, you don't know anything about me and Ron.
Well, I know he's getting married today.
Actually, he called off the wedding.
You know why? Because he's not afraid to tell me how he feels.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?! Bye, Douglas.
All right? I'll see you the next time you want to return a blazer.
[Door opens] [Door slams] Her name is Liza! [Heavy metal music playing] - [Click, music stops] - Are you crazy?! That's the best song on the album! We've been listening to different songs? I thought that was just one 55-minute scream.
Which I support your need to listen to.
I mean, Angie, it seems like you got a lot of unresolved anger issues.
I mean, what Derek did to you is unforgivable.
Who abandons their pregnant girlfriend? And how dare he not even try to meet Graham.
Especially since he lives in Barstow! It's only two hours away! It's like, fire up an audiobook and go do the right thing, you hot doofus! - Angie! You know where he lives? - [Sighs] I may have done a light dive into the Internet.
Turns out that he's still trying to make the music thing happen, but now he's really into meditation and past-life regression, and he works at a fast-food place called Ratso's.
You knew all this, but you didn't try to find him and and let him have it? And say what? "Hey, Derek, you suck! How dare you turn your back on us! Chilling in Barstow after you leave me on the side of the road to rot, like a bag of trash!" Damn right! You are not a bag of trash.
No! He is! And he needs to know it! You know, forget Space Camp.
We're going to Barstow right now! This is nuts! But yes! Let's do it! I want to give Derek a piece of my mind! And I'm gonna use all the cuss words! And I'm gonna maybe make up a few new ones like Shoe-butt, or Honk-head! I don't know, I'm gonna come up with them in the moment.
But yeah! Let's ride! - [Music resumes] - Whoo! [Singer screaming deeply] - [Click, music stops] - I just can't.
- I can't.
I'm sorry.
- No, I-I know.
I know.
I know.
It's fine.
You can listen to your music now.
[Sighs] "Ratso's Burgers, Burritos, and Teriyaki.
" That's way too many cuisines for this food to actually be good.
I am amped for some confrontation, right? Like, Derek-style! Let's do this! Yeah! All right, so, what's the plan? Are we gonna storm in there and confront him? Or Or should we wait by his car? You're the boss.
I'll follow your lead.
I don't know.
Let's just see if he's here first.
Do a lap.
Cautious, but efficient.
- Yeah! - Hell yeah! I'm gonna get my burns ready, Derek! D'Amato coming in hot! Hold up.
Are Are we in the drive-thru lane? What? Oh.
Welcome to Ratso's.
This is Derek.
May I take your order? Oh, my God.
That's That's his voice.
That's him.
That That's Derek.
Okay, great.
Now you can talk to him.
- I can't do this.
- Yes, you can.
We drove all this way, Angie.
- You have to get this off your chest.
- No, I don't.
I continue to welcome you to Ratso's.
Hello? I can't hear you.
Please speak directly into the rat.
Reverse.
Reverse.
I can't now.
There's a car behind us.
Well, just go over it, like monster trucks do! This isn't a monster truck.
Damn it! Every time, it's not a monster truck! Are you there? The welcome to Ratso's is ongoing.
- I would love to take your order.
- Order some stuff.
Stall him.
Um, yes, hello.
I would like to talk to you about the menu.
Not now.
I'm not hungry.
- [Door closes] - Douglas! [Miggy clears throat] We're here to tell you you made a big mistake.
Huge.
After passing on the biggest opportunity of a lifetime, we pitched Beach Sneaks to a real business genius.
I'm in.
Your "business genius" was Dwayne? Yep.
- [Cellphone buzzes] - Oh.
And he just texted the link to our website! Look! Why does it say "Beach Sneaks by Dwayne"? I thought it was your idea.
Huh? [Groans] This is hard to watch.
We're going to the shed.
W A Only an idiot would trust Dwayne.
You know what? I'm tired of you telling me I'm an idiot.
At least I do more than criticize from a distance.
You just hide in your house behind your handsome butler.
Oh! You should've seen him in his prime.
They used to call him "The Lady Killer," and not just because his first wife disappeared.
But at least I lead with my heart.
And And sure, it almost never works out, but I put myself out there.
When's the last time you did that? Hey, I put myself out there, too.
Right, Tony? Tony? Tony! - Tony!! - [Gasps] Oh, thank God.
[Chuckles] Every day's a blessing, huh, Tony? - [Horns honking] - WILL: Uh, yep.
That's right.
Four egg rolls, cinnasticks, and a spicy chicken teriyaki sandwich, hold the pineapple.
DEREK: Does that complete your order? I can't face him.
Just keep ordering.
I've ordered everything.
Anything else you want to add? Uh yeah.
Could I get a chili cup? - Another one? - Yes.
Okay.
So, that's three chili cups, a four-piece nuggets, beef bowl with ponzu sauce on the side, fatty kids meal with Asian barbecue wings instead of fries.
Also, a plus-size milkshake, a spicy teriyaki chicken I'm gonna hold that pineapple for you.
And I have you down for a grilled tilapia and side of steamed rice, two apple pies, cinnamon sticks, and a fruit cup.
Now, does that complete your order? Ask him about the secret menu? - [Horn blares] - Angie, it's time.
Yep! That'll do it! Don't worry.
He probably just takes the order.
Okay.
I'll see you guys at the window.
I'm out.
Can't do this.
No, no, no! Now it's gonna look like I ordered all that food for one person! By the way, if you find the banana smell, let me know.
I smell it.
Ugh! Ewwwwww! [Window creaks] So, you're Derek.
Yes.
Will, get the food and go! You're the Derek.
Derek yeah.
Thanks for noticing.
What's your name, buddy? Your worst nightmare Cooper.
I see you're alone.
When somebody orders this much food for themselves, I feel ethically bound to ask if they're okay.
Actually, Derek, no, I'm not okay.
- I'm pretty keyed up! - [Thump] - Will, what the hell are you doing?! - [Horn honks] - MAN: Come on, man! - He just walked out on you.
- I was there.
Now just drive! - WOMAN: Move it! - [Horn honks] - I can't.
Cooper's pissed.
Could you run that as debit, please? Go! Go, go, go! Hey, I know what it's like to feel down.
But hope can come from the most unexpected places, like, uh, the hug of a stranger or a new song that feels like it's speaking directly to you.
Check out track 6 "Crowd of No One.
" I hope you like it.
And if you respond, and you know anyone in the music industry or in YouTube I don't want your stupid music, Derek! Not the first time I've heard that.
Thanks for coming to Ratso's, and, uh have a great day.
Drive! I am begging you to just drive this car! Ohh.
He still looks great.
[Exhales sharply] You forgot the ketchup! I know.
We ran out.
And believe me, however mad you are, I'm twice as embarrassed.
You're really gonna tell me you've run out of ketchup from behind the safety of your little window? At least have the decency to say it to my face.
WOMAN: Come on! Will! Where are you going?! - [Horns blaring] - Will! Get back here! Shut up! Don't antagonize strangers! Well! Look who came out to play.
Okay, I don't know what's going on, but I don't want any trouble.
And, again, the more we talk, the more I feel like you could really use track 6 especially the drum solo.
- No.
- Okay.
Again, not the first person to do that.
And I really am sorry about the ketchup.
But you made the fries! - I know.
- And when you make the fries, you have a responsibility to provide ketchup.
You don't walk away, leaving the fry in the world, letting the salt do all the work! You're not gonna believe this, but I just found some.
So problem solved.
It's too late, Derek! Because here's the thing the fry is amazing, because salt she's incredible.
She's so strong, and she's so brave that the fry, even without any help from the ketchup, managed to turn out awesome.
You're going crazy about French fries! This is what our comment box is for.
[Screams] Running away again, huh? Typical Derek! - Things get hard, and you just take off! - No! - Well, not this time, you shoe-butt! - Stop.
- You honk-head! - Language! Ratso's is a family establishment.
[Both scream] Agh! Okay.
Please stop, 'cause you're you're hurting my face.
No.
'Cause unlike you, I'm not a quitter.
Angie? Oh, my God.
It's you.
[Window whirs] Hi.
Is this lunatic your husband? Whatever.
It doesn't matter.
There's so much I want to tell you.
Can we talk? No.
I I'm not ready.
Will, get in the car.
[Grunts] Well, when you are ready my e-mail's on this broken CD shard.
His name is Graham.
So that was Derek.
[Knock on door] Hi.
Hey.
I'm done with Ron.
And I mean it this time.
I told him to marry Sharon.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Why? Last night, when I came by, I, uh, I wasn't returning a blazer.
I-I wanted to come to tell you that I feelings I know, Douglas.
Okay.
I'm not sure what happens now.
Yeah, me neither.
[Both laugh] I do know that my ex-husband's getting married in half an hour, and I have to get dressed and go to it alone.
That's not gonna happen.
Well, Rory's in it.
He's "stage managing" the whole thing, so I have to go.
No, I-I mean you're not going alone.
Hmm.
I can't tell if these are supposed to be sesame seeds or sand or possibly little pieces of bone.
Ew! Man, you were genuinely scary back there.
You broke his CD in half.
Yes.
You're welcome.
Now you have his e-mail.
What do you think you'll do with that? Oh, I don't know.
I haven't decided yet.
I mean, part of me wants to just sign him up for a bunch of mailing lists.
[Laughs] That'd be awesome.
And the other part of me wants to reach out and maybe talk for the first time in eight years.
Hmm.
Well, you'll figure it out.
Yeah.
Thank you for Hulking Out for me.
I did not know you had that in you.
I did not, either.
God, that was embarrassing.
No need to be embarrassed.
Derek is the one that should be embarrassed.
- Did you see his necklace? - Mm-hmm.
It said - "Breathe.
" [Laughs] - "Breathe.
" Yeah, I wouldn't have guessed that that was your type.
Pfffft.
I mean, it it used to be.
I like different things now.
What's your type? Huh? It's like a flustered newswoman with perfect hair - who's like - Yeah.
- S-She's really hard to make fun of.
- Yeah, that.
[Chuckles] She's She's lovely.
Yeah, she is.
But I have other types.
Oh, yeah? Like what? I did make a baby with a human granola bar.
Right.
Mm-hmm.
Well thanks for saying all that stuff.
You made a lot of good points about fatherhood and ketchup.
[Chuckles] [Laughs] What can I say? I care deeply about condiments.
Mm-hmm.
And you.
No one's ever stood up for me like that.
It's always been me and Graham against the world.
Well not everybody leaves, Angie.
[Cellphone buzzes] Oh.
[Chuckles] - [Cellphone beeps] - [Gasps] - Sophie! - Hi! Dad, this is so cool.
We're about to go into the space simulator, and then Lance is gonna teach us the choreography from "Chicago"! - No way! - [Laughs] Hey, Soph, is Graham there? I need a proof-of-life.
Hi, Mom! Can't talk.
Having too much fun.
Love you! Three, two, one, blastoff! [Smooches, blows] Bye! [Cellphone beeps] Am I a monster for wishing - he was sad and missing me? - [Laughs] Am I a monster for being so jealous that they're learning that "Chicago" choreography? - Gosh, I want to go to Space Camp! - Me too! I could probably get in, too.
I have Lance Bass' cellphone.
- He follows me on Instagram.
- And I'm done.
[Sighs] Well, I guess I got to go in at some point.
Eh, give it a minute.
Ooh! There they are! Hey.
We came as fast as we could.
Oh, my God! Everybody's here.
See, when I told you you wouldn't have to go in alone, I meant you wouldn't have to go in alone.
Here's the thing Angie and I do not smell good, but we do have multiple pounds of tilapia if anybody's interested.
Yeah, um, we're gonna need to break this down for, like, a thousand hours when this thing is done.
Girl, you have no idea.
Hey, I got you something.
Look.
You bought me a website? Yeah.
It's for all the sneakers you're gonna design.
I think you have a future, and I believe in it.
Man.
Wait, you you you know my name isn't Mickey, right? What? No, it it's Mickey, like the mouse.
No, it it it's two G's, man.
It's [Chuckles] You know what? It's the thought that counts.
- Thanks, D-Glass.
- There you go.
That's right.
People, let's go! Sharon's in first position! It's go time! Aww.
He's wearing Liza.
[Sighing] Yeah.
Well, I guess this is it.
I'm so glad you guys are here.
Of course.
We're your villa Nope.
Never mind.
Okay, you get one.
- Go on.
Say it.
- For real, for real? For real, for real.
We're your village.
We are your village! Oh, my God.
This is why we don't give him one.
He can't say it just once.
[Chanting] Village.
Village.
Village! Villaaaaaaage! When I'm with you, baby, I go out of my head And I just can't get enough I just can't get enough All the things you do to me and everything you said I just can't get enough I just can't get enough You're like an angel, and you give me your love And I just can't seem to get enough