Single Parents (2018) s02e17 Episode Script

Untz, Untz, Untz

1 So, yeah, the first 10 years of my life, I called it a "teethbrush," but in my defense, you brush your teeth, not your tooth! Hey, you guys even listening to me? We most definitely are not.
Uh, sorry, Miggy.
I realized I forgot my floss again.
You carry floss around with you? Like in the container or loose? Container, Miggy.
It's for my overnight bag for Douglas'.
I'm always packing and repacking it.
Forgetting things.
Spent a whole day without a bra once.
Felt unhinged.
And a little sexy.
Hey, doesn't Douglas ever sleep at your house? Never.
My place is more comfortable.
We're happier there.
Excuse me? I don't remember you asking me how I felt about it.
My sheets are hand-loomed in the fjords of Norway.
They only make two sets a year.
I just thought it was safe to assume.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys! - Stop fighting! - We're not fighting.
We're just having a playful back-and-forth.
Okay, I'll fix this.
Douglas, tonight, you have to spend the night at Poppy's.
Don't bother, Miggy.
Douglas is stuck in his ways.
Hey, I take issue with that.
You know, in 1972, I camped out for three nights on a Buffalo sidewalk just to get Sabre tickets? We had to huddle together for warmth.
But with close proximity comes disease.
Gregory Oh, anyway, listen, Poppy, if you want, I'll, uh I'll spend the night at your place.
Aww! Wait, should we talk about Gregory? 'Cause You know what? Forget it.
Turn your head, Miggy.
I'm gonna kiss this man.
- Bring it in.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mwah! - Aww.
Get ready for the best night of your life.
- Hey.
- Damn you.
Last night was the worst night of my life! High five, my man.
Nowhere to go but up! Gregory.
It smells weird in here.
It's probably Graham's lunch.
Yeah, we only had eggs, so I boiled six, called it a day.
- Oh, hey, Colin.
- Oh, hi, Angie.
How's it going? Oh, you know, pretty bog-standard day so far.
That's good.
Well, uh, yeah, cheers.
- Hee-hee.
- Yeah.
What in Cupid's tiny grave just happened? I have goose bumps and obviously not the good kind.
Things with Colin and me kind of cooled down since Valentine's Day.
Really? Why? I thought you guys shared some heat on the swing set.
You were all Okay, what did I tell you about fist pumping? - No.
- Right.
And, yeah, we did have heat, all right? So much that it was probably inappropriate on school property.
- But nothing has happened since.
- Ohh.
Do you think maybe he just sees you as a mom from class? A mom from class?! Excuse me? Uh, sir, I invite you to check out the merchandise.
Not too much.
All I need to do is get Colin alone, bust out my A-game, and he'll be powerless.
I just need an in.
What about Sophie? I mean, she's desk mates with Colin's kid.
Percy? I don't know if Sophie likes him very much.
No one likes him.
Kid's obsessed with apples.
The way he talks about Fujis is chilling.
God, I'd kill for a hobby.
Anyway, thanks, kids.
Beat it.
Oh, my God.
Will, that is perfect.
I'll just invite Colin over for a playdate tonight.
Can I borrow your daughter for bait? Ho'd up.
I thought we were taking Graham and Sophie for pizza tonight.
We've been planning this for a while.
I have been micro-dosing LACTAID since Monday.
Sorry, bro, this is more important.
Here comes the apple man.
Why would you force me to sleep at Poppy's? My whole body is destroyed.
Here, feel this.
It's the L5.
That disk wants out.
Yeah, the whole experience was a nightmare, from soup to nuts.
First of all, I couldn't have my usual nightcap because Poppy doesn't have any single-malt whiskey, so I had to drink red wine like a maître d' closing up for the night.
Then I'm in her bathroom, which is the size of an Alfa Romeo.
Not a reference I get.
- It's a small car, Miggy.
- If you say so.
I go to brush my teeth, and there's nowhere to put the brush down 'cause of the hundreds of candles and trinkets and just the tops of so many things.
So I put it on the back of the toilet like a gigolo in a Denny's bathroom.
Then the clock strikes 8:45, so I gotta make.
Make what? Make peace with my dinner.
Still don't get it.
Dookie, Miggy! - Oh.
- Drop anchor! Release the hounds! Come on! But the problem is the toilet is just 6 inches from her bedroom separated by a wall the width of a grape nut.
So the chickens can't come home to roost, if you know what I mean.
You know I've never seen a chicken in real life? So, I'm blocked like a stalled cement truck and just want to relax, but Poppy's watching "Frasier," full volume.
You know what Roz's voice sounds like with a subwoofer? She was laughing like it's brand-new.
Roz, you tell it like it is! And she keeps it on while she falls asleep.
But here's the worst part the bed! That mattress came after me like I had done something to its family.
Some night.
I hate to see a tall, rich white man suffer like that.
So, what are you gonna do? I-I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I-I can't say anything, 'cause I don't want to hurt her feelings.
Hey! I thought I heard you clomping around up here.
Either that, or Miggy bought a pony.
Anyway, I just wanted to say last night was amazing, and it just it means so much to me that you stayed over.
You know, it's funny I was just telling Miggy how much I loved it.
Oh, he was! He was.
I was like, "Did you love it?" And he was like, "Yes.
" And I was like, "How much?" And he was like, "A lot.
" And I was like, "No, no, quantify it specifically.
" And he was like, "Five stars.
" And I was like, "Out of how many stars?" And then you walked in.
- In fact, he wants to do it again.
- Really?! Tonight! Ohhh! It would be my pleasure.
Aww! Mm.
- I would love it.
- Thank you.
Mmm! Pizza, root beer, empty stage where the creepy animatronic gondoliers used to perform.
This is what it's all about.
We don't need your mom or my daughter.
Yeah, we're better off without 'em.
We got a fresh batch of plushies being loaded to the perfect height.
I better go stop the plushie stuffer before he packs them in too tight.
Hello, good sir.
My name's Louis.
Don't call me "sir.
" It feels condescending.
Um, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind not packing the stuffies too tight.
Listen, I have very little agency in this job, except when it comes to this machine.
I stuff how I want.
I totally support you all the way.
It's just, my friend and I, we're kind of having a guys' night.
We're looking forward to bro-ing out and clawin' us a stuffed gorilla or two.
Looks like your bro's busy.
Check this out.
Gushers: Oops All Gush.
It's just the juice from the middle.
Wouldn't the juice just get everywhere when you open the packet? Not if it came with a straw.
- Ah.
- Hey, buddy, machine's free.
You ready to claw 'til we can't claw na mah? I'll handle this sad stranger.
Do you need help finding your family, sir? Are you pretending to Oh.
You know what? I mistook you for a friend of mine.
My apologies.
I will be on my way.
Wow, "sir" really is condescending.
Tell me honestly do you think this shade makes me look too Ugh, how do I put this? friendly? You look like a hot cartoon mouse.
Thank you! Isn't this fun? Just us two gals getting me all dolled up for a date? Is it a date? Because last time I checked, 9-year-olds weren't famous for making things spicy.
This is Angie D'Amato you're talking to.
You don't got to worry about spicy.
We're really walking a line here, huh? Okay, look, I just need you to hang out with Percy for a couple hours while I have some alone time with his dad, all right? Bright smile, Sophie! Good day! Come in.
Come in.
Make yourself comfortable.
Should we take off our shoes? Oh, if you want to start that way and see where the night takes us.
I'm kidding.
Hi, Percy.
Do you want to see my - friend Graham's room? - Sure! Can we play Orchard? Maybe.
Where is, uh Where is Graham? Oh, loving life.
Uh, can I, uh, pour you some wine? Actually, would you mind if I just ran out and just took care of a few errands? Heh? I don't know about you, but we go through paper towels like crazy.
I saw this lady on TV wring one out and then just keep using it.
No one really does that, right? Yeah.
Yeah! Pbht! Get out of here.
I already got a man.
Thanks so much.
Listen, it's, uh it's just so nice to know another single parent who understands the juggle.
- Yeah.
- Anyway, give me a call if there's a problem.
Actually, I don't have your cell Fun.
Looks like you're free to play Orchard with us.
You ate too many apple seeds, and now you have arsenic poisoning.
Time to go to the apple hospital.
Again?! Why do we still have to play with this creepshow? I can't go through another harvest.
- You already blew it with Colin.
- I did not.
I just need more time, that's all.
You just watch.
When he gets back, I'm gonna burn his face off with my spice.
No more hospital beds.
You go rotten.
Hey! Thanks so much for watching Percy.
I got so many errands done at your big American Target.
You know, now that I'm a single dad, it's so hard to find the time to feed your child and then go shopping for all the food that is required for the feeding.
Aah! They make cat feeders, why not kid feeders? Right? - Right, we'll be off.
- Oh, really? Already? But Sophie and Percy are having so much fun.
- Really? - Yeah.
This is huge.
I Percy sometimes has trouble making friends because of the - breakup.
- The apple thing? Yeah.
That, um But, you know, if there's one person that can nerd out on a single topic, - it is Sophie Cooper.
- Okay.
Well, then shall we let this friendship bloom? - Mm-hmm.
- I'll stick around for a bit? Yeah, I'll get my lava lamp warmed up, - we can take our shirts off.
- Oh.
I'm just kidding.
I don't have a lava lamp.
That is really good.
That man's still staring at us.
Should we call a grown-up? I got this.
Dude, you're freaking out Taylor.
Oh, is that her name? Yeah, I wasn't introduced.
- Cut it out! - I will not cut it out.
This was supposed to be our night! Yeah, well, I had to see about a girl.
You wouldn't get it.
I wouldn't get it? As a Good Will myself, I completely get it.
I'm just surprised you would stoop this low just to break your dry spell.
- My dry spell? - Yeah, I said it.
Last year at this time, you were on fire.
Bunny Ears, Louisa, my daughter and from all the texts Lance sent me, sounds like you cleaned up at space camp.
But so far, in second grade? Goose egg.
Don't take it out on me because my mom has someone and you don't.
Meanwhile, your boy's having an older woman feed him mozzarelle.
Ugh, Graham, we get it.
You're Italian.
Like one-eighth of most of us! Esci da questo ristorante, meteorologo! That's Italian for "Leave this restaurant, weatherman!" Nothing would make me happier.
But I can't.
'Cause you're nine and that's not cool.
Just go! Fine.
You do you.
I will go.
I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go.
I'll just go.
Watch me how I go.
All right.
Round 2.
Sleepy time.
Sleepy, sleepy.
This is a treat.
Okay, Douglas.
- Uh-huh.
- Can I tell you something? Anything.
- I hate this so much.
- What? - You hate this, too? - You in my bed is like sleeping with Frankenstein being lightning-ed to life.
Last night was awful.
Floppy flop flop.
Not even "Frasier" could soothe me.
So, why didn't you say something? Because it was progress.
You, you came into my world.
You slept in my dumb bed.
You were on my turf for once.
Oh, I didn't know this was a turf thing.
I-I just thought we were more comfortable at my house.
Well, of course we are.
You live in the house of a James Bond villain.
And because of that, I'm always the one schlepping to you.
Face it, Douglas, you call the shots.
Oh, come on.
If I decided things, our kids would be in boarding school and we'd be eating shrimp at the tropical tax shelter of your choosing.
I'm doing the best I can, Pops.
I know, but this isn't gonna change.
And I just need to decide if I want to be with someone whose world will always be a little more important than mine.
Oh, come on, that's not fair.
I do my part.
I-I babysit Rory.
I pretend to keep an open mind in conversations like the one we're having now.
Okay, we're both exhausted.
Let's just say good night and sleep in our own damn beds, all right? I need to be alone.
Well, alone with "Frasier.
" You know what? Just for the record, everyone knows that this country has not made a great TV show since "JAG.
" What's "JAG"? Huh? Okay, you know what? I can't talk to you when you're like this.
Colin! I'm parched! Hurry! Oh.
You caught me dancing.
Um, I'm not sure how I "caught" you doing anything, considering you just sent me to the kitchen and then told me to hurry back.
You know, I just realized that I never offered you a snack.
Oh, no.
Strawberries and chocolate? Normally, I like to use Strawberry Quik, but tonight I wanted to take my time.
Uh, can I just say I'm feeling a bit strange about this? About eating chocolate on a pristine couch? We're bad, aren't we? Aw, you're wiping so much jam on that pillow.
I'm sorry, I just have to clear the air.
Are we on a date? 'Cause, uh, I don't think that would be a good idea.
W-What? No.
Uh a date? You're hilarious.
No, this is You thought this was a date? Well, oh, yeah, becau well, 'cause of the candles Oh, my eyes were strained from the big lights! And the seductive island rhythms I'll change it! Computer, play Puddle of Mudd.
Puddle of Mudd not found.
Okay, uh, well, sorry.
I misunderstood.
Well, it is, uh it is getting late, so we should head out.
Okay, yeah, sure.
Of course.
I'll go grab Percy.
Drop-off playdate successful.
Jig is up.
Playdate not successful.
I guess your dad was right.
I'm just a school mom with no spice.
- But good news, we done.
- Oh, no.
- That's bad news.
- How do you mean? I think I love Percy now.
Something switched.
Now all I want to do is talk about apples.
- Forever.
- What? Look, I am in a bad spot here, okay? But if they leave right now, maybe I get out of this alive.
Not gonna happen, babe.
- They stay, or else.
- Or else what? This is already a disaster.
Or else I tell Colin this playdate was a trap baited with children.
Yeah, that's definitely the worst way you could say it, but you wouldn't.
Colin! Angie organized this whole thing so she could go on a date with you! Aah! Oh.
She said it all, huh? Yeah.
I realized in the air I was too late.
So, um, how do you feel about oranges? Hey, look, Colin.
I'm sorry that everything I've done today has been crazy and legally actionable.
Do you mean when you tackled the small child to hide the fact that you like me? Is That is what happened? That That d Yeah, I think Yeah, that's right.
I guess I-I couldn't handle the fact that you just see me as a mom in a class.
Angie, I-I do like you.
You're beautiful and strange, and you say "butts" a lot Ha.
But this single-parent thing is is new to me.
I'm just trying to keep my head above water.
I-I don't know how I'm supposed to get Percy to school on time and date.
I-It's just so overwhelming.
- How do you do it? - Nine years of practice.
And if today proves anything, it's that I-I haven't figured it out yet.
But, yeah, you'll get there.
I can help you.
- I'd like that.
- Oh.
Eventually, everyone buys the merch.
Hmm? Nothing.
Ignore me.
Oh, um Hey.
Hey, Poppy.
This is, uh, Douglas Fogerty.
I know.
- Your name came up.
- I know.
I was just trying to be cute.
It was a miss.
- Can't sleep? - Nah.
I just miss your face.
Hey, should we try that, uh, Face Phone thing? - Oh, FaceTime? - No, I don't think that's it.
I want to say, uh, Face Guy.
What Okay, well, now it's screaming at me.
What Okay, just hit "accept.
" Oh, you did it! There you are.
You're so beautiful.
Hey, do you think our boys and girls in Afghanistan know that they can use this to see their loved ones back home? I'm pretty sure they do, yeah.
That's good.
Listen, Poppy, I've been thinking.
It's not about stuff or whose mattress is more comfortable.
I just need you.
How about I move in? Seriously? Uh, I mean, that's sweet but crazy.
The tandem parking alone would kill you.
Plus, where would the kids sleep? Weird how that never crossed my mind.
Okay, revision you and Rory, you move in here.
A-And not on my terms.
You could You could change anything you want.
You Uh Uh - Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, yeah.
- What happened? Where's Poppy? I wanted to see how things were going.
Uh, I-I feel bad.
Did I ruin things? Hang up! I'm on with Poppy.
Oh, merge me! Goodbye! Hey.
Where were we? Uh, you asked me to move in with you, which is an amazing offer.
I'd like to sleep on it? As long as I get to sleep next to you.
Good night, Poppy.
Good night, Douglas.
That's it.
I'm taking myself off the market.
Frasier Crane has Hmm.
Nope! Hey, man.
You've been playing for half an hour.
- Give someone else a chance.
- Leave me be! My friend Angie and my daughter both abandoned me, and now I've lost my best child friend.
No, you haven't.
What happened? You run out of luck with your new woman? No, I got her number.
Well, her mom's number.
You get it.
But this was supposed to be a bro night.
I shouldn't have ditched you for a pair of cute peepers.
- So, why did you? - You were right.
Second grade's been a desert.
But you know who's been with me the whole time? Me? - No, my mom.
- Oh.
But also you.
That's why I told Taylor I had to see about a grown man.
Thanks, man.
- You want to claw? - Yeah, let's win some plushies and love them super hard for the rest of our lives.
All right.
Take it away.
Yeah, all right.
- No, no, no, too forward.
- Yeah.
- Forward? - No, go - What are you doing? - Which way?! Get your head in the game! Stop yelling! This is stressful!
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