Skins s03e07 Episode Script
JJ
CRASHING HE PANTS WRISTWATCH ALARM Acknowledged.
JJ! - JJ! - Gay J! - Gay J! - Gay J! Hey, Gay J! Gay J, Gay J, Gay J, Gay J! Messerschmitt ME-262E a Curtis P40 Kittyhawk a Hawker Typhoon Night Fighter or Ground Attack? Ground Attack.
A Focke-Wulf 190 Gloster Meteor Boulton Paul Defiant and Mitsubishi Zero.
I want that in kamikaze spec.
What's happened, JJ? I sold you that one three weeks back.
Collateral damage - quite a lot of it.
Rage incident, y'know.
Another one? 'Fraid so.
You taking those pills they give you? - Of course.
I'm the pill king.
- Maybe they stopped working, yeah? Impossible.
Olanzapine, Risperidone and Dextroamphetamine have unrivalled efficacy rates.
Well, something's up, ain't it? I mean, deliberately destroying a kamikaze spec Zero That's gotta tell you something.
Here, this'll cheer you up.
I got cruise missiles on special offer.
Intercontinental? Oh, yeah.
R62 Matador The real deal.
Nobody fucks ya with one of these babies! Oh, dear.
- Can you remember where I live? - Course I can.
Terry died - and you live with the other ladies now.
- Oh, bugger! WRISTWATCH ALARM - Just take a seat.
- No! I don't want to.
- Come on.
- I'm telling you, I don't like it.
- I can't come here! - Don't be a silly bear.
It'll be fine.
- Really? - Really.
I'll come and check on you later on.
Don't panic, yeah? Next.
Eleven stone three.
Metric, if you wouldn't mind, JJ.
Good, good.
- Why do you always weigh me? - We weigh everyone.
Yes, but why? You don't have to worry about that.
Well, I do.
You know what we say about worrying.
Just don't.
That's right - just don't.
Take a seat, lad.
So, how have we been? It's complicated.
Yes, of course.
Got any new tricks for me? I'm not doing magic any more.
Really? Have you been taking your pills? Yes.
That's the thing.
Nobody likes magic, or there isn't a point.
- Or maybe they just don't like me enough.
- Who? - My friends.
- Your friends don't like you? - I'm pretty sure of it.
- And why is that? Because if they liked me, maybe they'd listen to me occasionally instead of fighting all the time and hating each other.
I'm sure they don't hate you.
I didn't say they hated me.
They hate each other.
Well, there you go.
I've been getting locked on - breaking stuff, - getting into rages.
- Don't do that.
Right.
I'll give you some new little pills.
We can't get enough of them! - Take them at breakfast and supper, OK? - Instead of what? No, as well as, JJ - as well as.
Sitro Teasic Ulvaceous Neoprenes.
Amusing, isn't it? Pretty effective blighters - sort everything out.
I think I think I want to be normal, you know? Yes, so take those twice a day.
No, I That's not it.
Freddie smashed Cook, and Cook stole his girl, and they're my best friends.
- They don't sound like friends.
- No, you don't They're my friends, and they hate each other because of Effy, and - But we love each other, or at least - You love a girl, that's normal.
That's not it.
I do love her, but .
.
but that's not it.
Oh.
I'm feeling angry! - You're worrying.
- Yes! I'm worrying and - I'm worrying, and - So just don't do that, OK? Hi, JJ.
What a surprise.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Emily.
What are you? Oh.
We don't say.
It's OK.
Yes, yes.
It's all right.
It's just, I don't expect I don't usually see people I know in here.
Why not? Because normal people don't come here.
Yeah, right.
Well, I've been having a bit of counselling.
Oh.
Nice.
I asked them to help me to be a bit more honest with people, you know? Anyway, they just gave me these.
Oh! Snap.
Must be good if they can help you calm down and be more honest.
Yeah.
It wasn't really what I was hoping for.
Do you need calming down? Believe me, I totally do.
I'm getting overstimulated just talking to you now.
I mean, you're exciting me.
Wait! That's not - Bugger! Shitification! - It's all right, JJ.
It's hard telling people things about yourself, isn't it? Yeah.
But I'm gonna try.
It's no big deal.
- Probably couldn't care less.
- About what? I want to have sex with girls.
Right.
Yeah.
I like girls.
I like sex with girls.
I like their rosy lips, their hard nipples, bums, soft thighs.
I like tits and fanny, you know? There, I've said it, and now Oh, fucking hell.
Priazapan Moraglutomol Triculine Rizzalin - The veritable Stun, as of today.
- That is a lot of drugs.
Dietary supplements Ah, here's my vitamin C.
I do about 20 of these a day, cos they're nice and fizzy.
Go on.
Try one.
You're supposed to dissolve them, but they've got a better kick this way.
Go on.
Go! Mmm.
All right.
FIZZING - Urgh.
Urgh, uhh! - I don't think you want to do that! SHE CHOKES Emily? Emily! Holy shit! JJ I think you've got your hand on my tit.
I know.
I mean shit, sorry.
Well, I've had a lovely time.
I've screwed this all up, haven't I? Truth is .
.
you're nice, JJ.
I'm unusual.
Yeah? That's just code for "not normal".
I'd give anything to be normal for a whole day.
Hey If you were normal, what would you do? I'd lose my virginity first, several times.
Then have a choccy nut milkshake without going into anaphylactic shock.
Then I'd tell Freddie and Cook to stop fighting over Effy before they hate each other forever, and not make me take sides.
And they'd listen to me for once and not fucking ruffle my hair! And then I'd tell Effy I loved her and lose my virginity a few more times.
You love Effy? Did I say that out loud? 'Fraid so.
Retard! I'm a retard! Nut job! Bat case! - Spazzo! Mong! - JJ Autistic fucking fruitcake mental basket! JJ, you're getting locked on! Shitty Looney Tune.
One Flew Over The Fucking Cuckoo's Nest! JJ! Look at these! That worked.
Last guy to see my tits wasn't quite as impressed.
I suppose I should be leaving.
You know, J, all those things you want, you don't ask for them.
Why don't you just ask? Can I see your breasts again? No.
Let's start with the easy stuff, yeah? - So, where do we start? - We? - I'm going to be normal.
- Right.
- Normal, normal, normal.
- Ring the bell, JJ.
DOORBELL RINGS So what are you going to say? I'm gonna ask him to make up with Cook.
Gonna ask him to forget Effy, because she's not good for us.
Gonna ask him to stop ruffling my hair.
OK.
Don't let anything stop you.
Right.
- Hello, JJ.
- Uhh! Tell her.
Karen, if you don't mind, would you please not ruffle Hang on.
What are you doing here? Um Do I know you? Oh, fucking hell! Karen, I want to see Freddie, and I want to see him now.
Um It's OK, Karen.
I know which bedroom it is.
Yeah, but this is going to be good.
It's uncanny.
What? He's definitely in there.
Freddie? Yeah.
Um I'm just a bit busy at the minute, J.
Sorry.
OK.
We'll do this another time, then.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
Get out of the way! SOFT GROANING KAREN CLEARS HER THROAT KATIE GASPS Now, does everybody know each other? Oh, that's great.
Brilliant, Karen.
For Christ's sake, Katie, what are you doing?! I'm doing the Great fucking Northern Run, what does it look like? - Guys, could we please just? - Katie! Why didn't you tell me? Oh, I'm sorry.
Maybe my postal application hasn't reached you yet Now, do you mind? We're sort of in the middle of something.
But that's not right.
You want Eff and she's not It's a free country, JJ.
Hey, maybe my weirdo sister's up for it.
No, that's ridiculous, Emily's gay.
I wanted to talk to you, Freds, but we can do this another time and Quality! - Uh-oh.
- That's not true.
Is it, Ems? Because you promised me that wasn't true.
Shed.
So what did you want to tell me, J? Has she gone yet? None of your business! Right arse you made of it.
Jesus.
I want I want things to change, Freddie.
Things have changed.
They change all the time.
Doesn't it matter what I think? Because I think it should matter more, you know.
So? We're supposed to be friends.
- Forever.
- I can't do it, J.
Just because of a girl.
You don't even want Effy.
Don't tell me what I want! Then tell me what to do.
You've gotta choose, mate.
Either me or Cook.
And what about me? Don't I count? I'm not the one who's telling fibs.
Let it alone, J.
I'm the normal one.
Mum RINGS Gay J, man.
Where you been? Doing stuff.
Been days, J-Lo.
What's going on? Like I said.
Stuff and stuff.
Yeah, well You did that nutty professor thing today, yeah? My assessment.
You remembered? JJ, am I your bestest or what? Anyway, you coming to Thomas's shindig tonight at the Roxie? Non-negotiable.
He's putting a band on an' all, it'll be sweet as! Can I ask you something? Ask me later, J-Lo.
I got business to attend to.
Keep taking them mad pills, yeah, and I'll see you later.
I love that barmy fucker.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Everyone's gotta have a mate who's a twat and who's not going to try and finger your pussy candy.
Like you, babes.
- Yeah? - Mmm You getting it? - Yeah - Yeah? There? - Yeah - How about here? GROANING Like that.
Grab my balls Yeah Yeah Yeah.
Just fucking like that.
Guys Hey, Gay J! Gay J! Gay J! Gay J! I'm not gay.
I'm not anything, OK? Fuck off! Aah! < How come he gets a lolly? < Yeah, that's gay.
Totally gay! - He's so gay.
- Yeah, that's # Lucille, you won't do your sister's will? # Lucille, you won't do your sister's will? # You ran out and married # Hello! #.
.
But I love you still # Lucille # Please come back where you belong # Lucille, please come back # Hallo Effy? Cook? Anyone home? Effy? #.
.
I woke up this morning Lucille was not in sight # I asked my friends about her # Effy? #.
.
Lucille, please come back where you belong # I've been good to you baby Please don't leave me alone # SMASH - Aah! - Aaah! MUSIC STOPS JJ, what the fuck! What the fuck!? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Give me my T-shirt, fucking hopeless perv.
I'm sorry.
The door was open.
I JJ! - I got worried.
- About what? I dunno.
I thought you might have I dunno, OK!? I was pissed at the two of you.
Two of who? I heard what you were saying.
I want you to stop doing that.
JJ, what the fuck? You and Cook.
I haven't seen him for days.
Yeah, well don't dis me while you're having sexual intercourse, because you might think it's funny, but I Sorry? Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
JJ.
Are you going to give me some kind of fucked up hint what you're talking about? I I I usually drink mango juice when I get over stressed.
So? I think it must be these new pills they've given me.
Vivid dreams.
It's a side effect.
Cool.
Let's do a couple now.
Get off our faces.
No.
No, no.
It does other stuff, too.
Like? Calms you makes you tell the truth, allegedly.
What's wrong with that? Dunno dunno.
Come on, JJ.
Don't be pathetic.
It's easy.
Just tell me something true.
Tell me.
- Tell me now! - I love you.
Well, everybody loves me.
That's a relief.
With the possible exception of darling Ma and Da.
They don't love me so good.
Why's that? Cos I won't let them fuck up their lives in peace.
So I'm being a total bitch to both of them.
- What did they? - Oh, she fucked his boss and he behaved like a complete dildo as usual.
Sounds bad.
It's well bad, JJ.
I'm officially off the rails.
You should try it.
No.
No, I can't go off the rails.
My mum she needs me to be OK.
I have to be OK.
Is that why you take all the pills? Pretty much.
Please leave them alone, Effy.
Who? I don't mean to be rude, but Cook, Freddie and me, they're the only friends I've ever had and you've basically ruined everything and I'd like you to stop now, please.
I can't do that, J.
Why not? - Thanks for loving me.
- No problem.
I'd like to be your friend.
BUZZ OF CONVERSATION Nice, babes.
Nice.
Cookie, stop it.
I gotta go I'm going.
I'm coming and coming! Mac J, the Lord High Chieftain of J.
Hi.
Winding up for a big one tonight? Dunno, Cook.
I don't know.
Course you are.
Me and you, J, tonight we're setting course for the heart of the fucking sun.
You just arrived? Yes.
Did you you see anyone on the way out? I just arrived.
Cool.
You missed my tip-top, rumpy pumpy, bangs like a rabbit, secret lover.
Really? Don't you want to know who she is? Who is it? I'm not telling you, man.
Even the Cookie monster knows when it's time for shtoom, otherwise the shit's gonna dismantle the fan.
But she can't fucking help herself though, man, I'm telling you.
If it's wrong, why are you doing it? Cos it's life, J.
You gotta get in there and never fucking stop.
Shit's waiting to be done, man.
If you're not going to do it you're a pathetic pussy fart.
What would be so bad about stopping? What about other people? Fuck other people, J.
Fuck 'em! Let's blow.
The thing is, Cook you didn't answer my question.
What would happen if you stopped? Look at me, J.
What else have I got? Please make up with Freddie, Cook.
It doesn't work.
It just Freddie can fuck himself.
He was asking for it, yeah? What? What was he asking for? He's pissed cos I've got something he wants.
You don't care, so leave her alone.
It's not like you're going out with her.
She likes it mindless.
So do I.
Sorted.
Are you coming, or do I have to keep lookout myself when I'm buying gear? Just care.
OK? About what? About me! About me, you twat! You're all fucking twats! Here Here I pissing love you, J.
Nothing's gonna change that, man.
You're my very own little fruit bat.
Fuck Freddie.
It's just me and you now, J.
Feel the love.
You feeling it? Right.
Now, let's walk.
I want to get mentalled.
We've got pharmaceuticals to purchase.
Eight for one fucking pill? I'll pay you £8 for three! I don't give a shit.
It's £8 a pill.
What pills are they you charge me £8 for? If you don't want the pills, don't come to me It's not about the fucking money, man ARGUING CONTINUES Cook! You don't want the pills, you can fuck off! Cook! Cook! Police stop! Stay there.
You're under arrest! Oi, come back! SIRENS BLARE SIRENS FADE Shit, I thought it was getting dodgy down there.
But you still went? Well, I needed to get stuff, didn't I? The fucking gear in this town's shit.
Manage without? That'll be no kind of night out, will it, J? I need to get something.
I can do without.
I don't need spliff or pills All right.
All right! And by the way, that's so fucking not true.
I don't drink, I don't do weed, I don't do class A You're pilled up every day.
Nothing fancy about you, so don't fucking come it.
All right.
You can have some of mine.
Mad pills? Yeah.
You wanna get mad, right? Stun? What do they do? A lot.
You need to take two or three.
Go on then.
I've already taken mine.
There you go.
Or possibly you're pussy.
Pussy.
Let the party commence.
D'you mind? Stupid bitch! Hey You OK? No Cook? Why would there be a Cook? You're seeing him, aren't you? I'm fucking him occasionally.
I'm not seeing him.
There's a distinction? Yeah.
No Emily? Truth.
That obvious? Don't have to be a genius to work it out.
So? So I'm straight.
Sure? If I said no, would I regret it? Probably.
But not because of me.
We're objects of lust.
- Making you feel good? - Not really.
So, I suggest we go in here and get so monumentally fucked up we forget all about No! - Oh, my God.
That's fucked up.
- No.
- You love him? - No.
Oh, yes.
You love The Lips.
Oh, my God.
Go on, lie to me.
I want to see this.
Effy, Naomi! Here, come! < You don't pay.
Friends don't pay! Isn't this great? I've sold a load of tickets.
Freddie, Katie! Here, come! Come! Welcome, welcome, mes amis! Club Thomas is pleased to receive you! < All right? Hey.
Aren't you gonna be bitchy to me, Katie? Yeah, sure.
Give me time.
Listen, everyone, everything is great, totally super great.
Look.
More friends! Wow! Wait until you see this place.
You will not believe it.
Jesus And the band are formidable! Everyone is together, Panda is coming and Emily's already here.
Where? LOUD FRENETIC MUSIC Emileee! Emileee! Hey Fuck you.
- Fuck off! - You fuck off! What the fuck's he on? How many, JJ? HOW MANY?! Four then another two.
You twat! What does this stuff do? Calms you down and stuff.
Do you see that? You stupid fucking idiot! And what the fuck were you doing? I'm sorry I'm sorry.
He pissed me off.
How? It doesn't matter.
Just say he's gonna be all right.
He's gonna be all right.
He's always fucking all right, aren't you, Cook? - Aren't you!? - Don't.
JJ Yay! Top pills, man.
I knew you'd come for me Three Musketeers.
Yeah.
Fuck off, Cook.
Freddie, she loves you, you know.
What? She loves you.
But she can't stand it.
Can't stand the love, so she fucks me instead.
What's he saying? - Oh, God.
- What? Shit.
I think you're gonna get the truth, Freds.
Cook? I'm pissed off, yeah? She's taking the piss and it's hurting me.
Cos Cook needs the love too.
Cookie's got nothing.
Everything all right, guys? Cookie's always got nothing.
That's why I do her pal.
That's why I pop Panda.
Panda's popped.
It's always the same - great tits, Panda, great tits, Effy.
That's all I get cos I'm shit.
I'm pure shit.
Whoa! Thomas! Back off.
No, OK, mate? No! He does not deserve friends! Yeah.
He's a cunt.
Move! Move! You've had a busy day, haven't you, J? I'm sorry.
I got locked on.
You all pissed me off.
Does this mean I can't come to the shed any more? Course not, you can still come to the shed.
Just give me some space, OK? I need time to think.
What's going on? Someone said he It's yours, I think.
Hello.
Hello.
How are you doing? Here.
There you go.
According to the diagnosis, I'm liable to social dysfunction.
They shouldn't let me out really.
It's OK, JJ.
You did me a favour.
I did? Katie loves me.
I know she does.
Yes, definitely.
Did you do it? Did you ask for stuff? Um, yeah.
I did a fair bit of asking.
And how did it go? I'd say bad on the face of it.
But in another sense, you might say it's too early to say.
Yeah.
Too early to say.
I don't want to go home tonight.
Katie's too Locked on? Yeah.
She's locked on.
I don't want to go home.
I can't.
Right.
So let's think.
Please tell me somebody makes you wear those pyjamas.
No.
I just like them.
They're 100% Egyptian cotton, which is good cos rayon derivatives and other man-made fibres can interfere with JJ.
If we're going to be my friends, you can't wear teddy bears any more.
Get them off.
Right.
You got it.
No teddies.
I've got some others with World War One Fighter planes on.
OK.
I'm asking for something, JJ.
OK.
Yup and I'm saying yes.
But possibly a phased approach might be more No.
Take them off.
Don't be silly.
Take them off now, JJ, and get in here.
This is a once-only charity event, you understand.
Got you.
Because you're gay.
Yes.
I'm gay.
Get on with it.
In you pop.
I'm lots of things, JJ, and I really like you.
So this is between friends, yeah? Between friends.
And I can be quite cute.
Yes.
You can.
Hi, Mum.
Hi, JJ.
You OK? Yeah.
Mum, this is Emily.
Hi.
Hello.
A friend of mine.
OK.
Would you like some tea? Um.
Yeah, please.
Thanks.
So how was it last night? DIALOGUE BECOMES INDISTINCT Flume # I am my mother's only one # But it's enough # I wear my garment so it shows # Now you know # Beware the moon.
#.
.
Only love is all maroon # Gluey feathers on the flume # Sky is womb and she's the moon #
JJ! - JJ! - Gay J! - Gay J! - Gay J! Hey, Gay J! Gay J, Gay J, Gay J, Gay J! Messerschmitt ME-262E a Curtis P40 Kittyhawk a Hawker Typhoon Night Fighter or Ground Attack? Ground Attack.
A Focke-Wulf 190 Gloster Meteor Boulton Paul Defiant and Mitsubishi Zero.
I want that in kamikaze spec.
What's happened, JJ? I sold you that one three weeks back.
Collateral damage - quite a lot of it.
Rage incident, y'know.
Another one? 'Fraid so.
You taking those pills they give you? - Of course.
I'm the pill king.
- Maybe they stopped working, yeah? Impossible.
Olanzapine, Risperidone and Dextroamphetamine have unrivalled efficacy rates.
Well, something's up, ain't it? I mean, deliberately destroying a kamikaze spec Zero That's gotta tell you something.
Here, this'll cheer you up.
I got cruise missiles on special offer.
Intercontinental? Oh, yeah.
R62 Matador The real deal.
Nobody fucks ya with one of these babies! Oh, dear.
- Can you remember where I live? - Course I can.
Terry died - and you live with the other ladies now.
- Oh, bugger! WRISTWATCH ALARM - Just take a seat.
- No! I don't want to.
- Come on.
- I'm telling you, I don't like it.
- I can't come here! - Don't be a silly bear.
It'll be fine.
- Really? - Really.
I'll come and check on you later on.
Don't panic, yeah? Next.
Eleven stone three.
Metric, if you wouldn't mind, JJ.
Good, good.
- Why do you always weigh me? - We weigh everyone.
Yes, but why? You don't have to worry about that.
Well, I do.
You know what we say about worrying.
Just don't.
That's right - just don't.
Take a seat, lad.
So, how have we been? It's complicated.
Yes, of course.
Got any new tricks for me? I'm not doing magic any more.
Really? Have you been taking your pills? Yes.
That's the thing.
Nobody likes magic, or there isn't a point.
- Or maybe they just don't like me enough.
- Who? - My friends.
- Your friends don't like you? - I'm pretty sure of it.
- And why is that? Because if they liked me, maybe they'd listen to me occasionally instead of fighting all the time and hating each other.
I'm sure they don't hate you.
I didn't say they hated me.
They hate each other.
Well, there you go.
I've been getting locked on - breaking stuff, - getting into rages.
- Don't do that.
Right.
I'll give you some new little pills.
We can't get enough of them! - Take them at breakfast and supper, OK? - Instead of what? No, as well as, JJ - as well as.
Sitro Teasic Ulvaceous Neoprenes.
Amusing, isn't it? Pretty effective blighters - sort everything out.
I think I think I want to be normal, you know? Yes, so take those twice a day.
No, I That's not it.
Freddie smashed Cook, and Cook stole his girl, and they're my best friends.
- They don't sound like friends.
- No, you don't They're my friends, and they hate each other because of Effy, and - But we love each other, or at least - You love a girl, that's normal.
That's not it.
I do love her, but .
.
but that's not it.
Oh.
I'm feeling angry! - You're worrying.
- Yes! I'm worrying and - I'm worrying, and - So just don't do that, OK? Hi, JJ.
What a surprise.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Emily.
What are you? Oh.
We don't say.
It's OK.
Yes, yes.
It's all right.
It's just, I don't expect I don't usually see people I know in here.
Why not? Because normal people don't come here.
Yeah, right.
Well, I've been having a bit of counselling.
Oh.
Nice.
I asked them to help me to be a bit more honest with people, you know? Anyway, they just gave me these.
Oh! Snap.
Must be good if they can help you calm down and be more honest.
Yeah.
It wasn't really what I was hoping for.
Do you need calming down? Believe me, I totally do.
I'm getting overstimulated just talking to you now.
I mean, you're exciting me.
Wait! That's not - Bugger! Shitification! - It's all right, JJ.
It's hard telling people things about yourself, isn't it? Yeah.
But I'm gonna try.
It's no big deal.
- Probably couldn't care less.
- About what? I want to have sex with girls.
Right.
Yeah.
I like girls.
I like sex with girls.
I like their rosy lips, their hard nipples, bums, soft thighs.
I like tits and fanny, you know? There, I've said it, and now Oh, fucking hell.
Priazapan Moraglutomol Triculine Rizzalin - The veritable Stun, as of today.
- That is a lot of drugs.
Dietary supplements Ah, here's my vitamin C.
I do about 20 of these a day, cos they're nice and fizzy.
Go on.
Try one.
You're supposed to dissolve them, but they've got a better kick this way.
Go on.
Go! Mmm.
All right.
FIZZING - Urgh.
Urgh, uhh! - I don't think you want to do that! SHE CHOKES Emily? Emily! Holy shit! JJ I think you've got your hand on my tit.
I know.
I mean shit, sorry.
Well, I've had a lovely time.
I've screwed this all up, haven't I? Truth is .
.
you're nice, JJ.
I'm unusual.
Yeah? That's just code for "not normal".
I'd give anything to be normal for a whole day.
Hey If you were normal, what would you do? I'd lose my virginity first, several times.
Then have a choccy nut milkshake without going into anaphylactic shock.
Then I'd tell Freddie and Cook to stop fighting over Effy before they hate each other forever, and not make me take sides.
And they'd listen to me for once and not fucking ruffle my hair! And then I'd tell Effy I loved her and lose my virginity a few more times.
You love Effy? Did I say that out loud? 'Fraid so.
Retard! I'm a retard! Nut job! Bat case! - Spazzo! Mong! - JJ Autistic fucking fruitcake mental basket! JJ, you're getting locked on! Shitty Looney Tune.
One Flew Over The Fucking Cuckoo's Nest! JJ! Look at these! That worked.
Last guy to see my tits wasn't quite as impressed.
I suppose I should be leaving.
You know, J, all those things you want, you don't ask for them.
Why don't you just ask? Can I see your breasts again? No.
Let's start with the easy stuff, yeah? - So, where do we start? - We? - I'm going to be normal.
- Right.
- Normal, normal, normal.
- Ring the bell, JJ.
DOORBELL RINGS So what are you going to say? I'm gonna ask him to make up with Cook.
Gonna ask him to forget Effy, because she's not good for us.
Gonna ask him to stop ruffling my hair.
OK.
Don't let anything stop you.
Right.
- Hello, JJ.
- Uhh! Tell her.
Karen, if you don't mind, would you please not ruffle Hang on.
What are you doing here? Um Do I know you? Oh, fucking hell! Karen, I want to see Freddie, and I want to see him now.
Um It's OK, Karen.
I know which bedroom it is.
Yeah, but this is going to be good.
It's uncanny.
What? He's definitely in there.
Freddie? Yeah.
Um I'm just a bit busy at the minute, J.
Sorry.
OK.
We'll do this another time, then.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
Get out of the way! SOFT GROANING KAREN CLEARS HER THROAT KATIE GASPS Now, does everybody know each other? Oh, that's great.
Brilliant, Karen.
For Christ's sake, Katie, what are you doing?! I'm doing the Great fucking Northern Run, what does it look like? - Guys, could we please just? - Katie! Why didn't you tell me? Oh, I'm sorry.
Maybe my postal application hasn't reached you yet Now, do you mind? We're sort of in the middle of something.
But that's not right.
You want Eff and she's not It's a free country, JJ.
Hey, maybe my weirdo sister's up for it.
No, that's ridiculous, Emily's gay.
I wanted to talk to you, Freds, but we can do this another time and Quality! - Uh-oh.
- That's not true.
Is it, Ems? Because you promised me that wasn't true.
Shed.
So what did you want to tell me, J? Has she gone yet? None of your business! Right arse you made of it.
Jesus.
I want I want things to change, Freddie.
Things have changed.
They change all the time.
Doesn't it matter what I think? Because I think it should matter more, you know.
So? We're supposed to be friends.
- Forever.
- I can't do it, J.
Just because of a girl.
You don't even want Effy.
Don't tell me what I want! Then tell me what to do.
You've gotta choose, mate.
Either me or Cook.
And what about me? Don't I count? I'm not the one who's telling fibs.
Let it alone, J.
I'm the normal one.
Mum RINGS Gay J, man.
Where you been? Doing stuff.
Been days, J-Lo.
What's going on? Like I said.
Stuff and stuff.
Yeah, well You did that nutty professor thing today, yeah? My assessment.
You remembered? JJ, am I your bestest or what? Anyway, you coming to Thomas's shindig tonight at the Roxie? Non-negotiable.
He's putting a band on an' all, it'll be sweet as! Can I ask you something? Ask me later, J-Lo.
I got business to attend to.
Keep taking them mad pills, yeah, and I'll see you later.
I love that barmy fucker.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Everyone's gotta have a mate who's a twat and who's not going to try and finger your pussy candy.
Like you, babes.
- Yeah? - Mmm You getting it? - Yeah - Yeah? There? - Yeah - How about here? GROANING Like that.
Grab my balls Yeah Yeah Yeah.
Just fucking like that.
Guys Hey, Gay J! Gay J! Gay J! Gay J! I'm not gay.
I'm not anything, OK? Fuck off! Aah! < How come he gets a lolly? < Yeah, that's gay.
Totally gay! - He's so gay.
- Yeah, that's # Lucille, you won't do your sister's will? # Lucille, you won't do your sister's will? # You ran out and married # Hello! #.
.
But I love you still # Lucille # Please come back where you belong # Lucille, please come back # Hallo Effy? Cook? Anyone home? Effy? #.
.
I woke up this morning Lucille was not in sight # I asked my friends about her # Effy? #.
.
Lucille, please come back where you belong # I've been good to you baby Please don't leave me alone # SMASH - Aah! - Aaah! MUSIC STOPS JJ, what the fuck! What the fuck!? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Give me my T-shirt, fucking hopeless perv.
I'm sorry.
The door was open.
I JJ! - I got worried.
- About what? I dunno.
I thought you might have I dunno, OK!? I was pissed at the two of you.
Two of who? I heard what you were saying.
I want you to stop doing that.
JJ, what the fuck? You and Cook.
I haven't seen him for days.
Yeah, well don't dis me while you're having sexual intercourse, because you might think it's funny, but I Sorry? Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
JJ.
Are you going to give me some kind of fucked up hint what you're talking about? I I I usually drink mango juice when I get over stressed.
So? I think it must be these new pills they've given me.
Vivid dreams.
It's a side effect.
Cool.
Let's do a couple now.
Get off our faces.
No.
No, no.
It does other stuff, too.
Like? Calms you makes you tell the truth, allegedly.
What's wrong with that? Dunno dunno.
Come on, JJ.
Don't be pathetic.
It's easy.
Just tell me something true.
Tell me.
- Tell me now! - I love you.
Well, everybody loves me.
That's a relief.
With the possible exception of darling Ma and Da.
They don't love me so good.
Why's that? Cos I won't let them fuck up their lives in peace.
So I'm being a total bitch to both of them.
- What did they? - Oh, she fucked his boss and he behaved like a complete dildo as usual.
Sounds bad.
It's well bad, JJ.
I'm officially off the rails.
You should try it.
No.
No, I can't go off the rails.
My mum she needs me to be OK.
I have to be OK.
Is that why you take all the pills? Pretty much.
Please leave them alone, Effy.
Who? I don't mean to be rude, but Cook, Freddie and me, they're the only friends I've ever had and you've basically ruined everything and I'd like you to stop now, please.
I can't do that, J.
Why not? - Thanks for loving me.
- No problem.
I'd like to be your friend.
BUZZ OF CONVERSATION Nice, babes.
Nice.
Cookie, stop it.
I gotta go I'm going.
I'm coming and coming! Mac J, the Lord High Chieftain of J.
Hi.
Winding up for a big one tonight? Dunno, Cook.
I don't know.
Course you are.
Me and you, J, tonight we're setting course for the heart of the fucking sun.
You just arrived? Yes.
Did you you see anyone on the way out? I just arrived.
Cool.
You missed my tip-top, rumpy pumpy, bangs like a rabbit, secret lover.
Really? Don't you want to know who she is? Who is it? I'm not telling you, man.
Even the Cookie monster knows when it's time for shtoom, otherwise the shit's gonna dismantle the fan.
But she can't fucking help herself though, man, I'm telling you.
If it's wrong, why are you doing it? Cos it's life, J.
You gotta get in there and never fucking stop.
Shit's waiting to be done, man.
If you're not going to do it you're a pathetic pussy fart.
What would be so bad about stopping? What about other people? Fuck other people, J.
Fuck 'em! Let's blow.
The thing is, Cook you didn't answer my question.
What would happen if you stopped? Look at me, J.
What else have I got? Please make up with Freddie, Cook.
It doesn't work.
It just Freddie can fuck himself.
He was asking for it, yeah? What? What was he asking for? He's pissed cos I've got something he wants.
You don't care, so leave her alone.
It's not like you're going out with her.
She likes it mindless.
So do I.
Sorted.
Are you coming, or do I have to keep lookout myself when I'm buying gear? Just care.
OK? About what? About me! About me, you twat! You're all fucking twats! Here Here I pissing love you, J.
Nothing's gonna change that, man.
You're my very own little fruit bat.
Fuck Freddie.
It's just me and you now, J.
Feel the love.
You feeling it? Right.
Now, let's walk.
I want to get mentalled.
We've got pharmaceuticals to purchase.
Eight for one fucking pill? I'll pay you £8 for three! I don't give a shit.
It's £8 a pill.
What pills are they you charge me £8 for? If you don't want the pills, don't come to me It's not about the fucking money, man ARGUING CONTINUES Cook! You don't want the pills, you can fuck off! Cook! Cook! Police stop! Stay there.
You're under arrest! Oi, come back! SIRENS BLARE SIRENS FADE Shit, I thought it was getting dodgy down there.
But you still went? Well, I needed to get stuff, didn't I? The fucking gear in this town's shit.
Manage without? That'll be no kind of night out, will it, J? I need to get something.
I can do without.
I don't need spliff or pills All right.
All right! And by the way, that's so fucking not true.
I don't drink, I don't do weed, I don't do class A You're pilled up every day.
Nothing fancy about you, so don't fucking come it.
All right.
You can have some of mine.
Mad pills? Yeah.
You wanna get mad, right? Stun? What do they do? A lot.
You need to take two or three.
Go on then.
I've already taken mine.
There you go.
Or possibly you're pussy.
Pussy.
Let the party commence.
D'you mind? Stupid bitch! Hey You OK? No Cook? Why would there be a Cook? You're seeing him, aren't you? I'm fucking him occasionally.
I'm not seeing him.
There's a distinction? Yeah.
No Emily? Truth.
That obvious? Don't have to be a genius to work it out.
So? So I'm straight.
Sure? If I said no, would I regret it? Probably.
But not because of me.
We're objects of lust.
- Making you feel good? - Not really.
So, I suggest we go in here and get so monumentally fucked up we forget all about No! - Oh, my God.
That's fucked up.
- No.
- You love him? - No.
Oh, yes.
You love The Lips.
Oh, my God.
Go on, lie to me.
I want to see this.
Effy, Naomi! Here, come! < You don't pay.
Friends don't pay! Isn't this great? I've sold a load of tickets.
Freddie, Katie! Here, come! Come! Welcome, welcome, mes amis! Club Thomas is pleased to receive you! < All right? Hey.
Aren't you gonna be bitchy to me, Katie? Yeah, sure.
Give me time.
Listen, everyone, everything is great, totally super great.
Look.
More friends! Wow! Wait until you see this place.
You will not believe it.
Jesus And the band are formidable! Everyone is together, Panda is coming and Emily's already here.
Where? LOUD FRENETIC MUSIC Emileee! Emileee! Hey Fuck you.
- Fuck off! - You fuck off! What the fuck's he on? How many, JJ? HOW MANY?! Four then another two.
You twat! What does this stuff do? Calms you down and stuff.
Do you see that? You stupid fucking idiot! And what the fuck were you doing? I'm sorry I'm sorry.
He pissed me off.
How? It doesn't matter.
Just say he's gonna be all right.
He's gonna be all right.
He's always fucking all right, aren't you, Cook? - Aren't you!? - Don't.
JJ Yay! Top pills, man.
I knew you'd come for me Three Musketeers.
Yeah.
Fuck off, Cook.
Freddie, she loves you, you know.
What? She loves you.
But she can't stand it.
Can't stand the love, so she fucks me instead.
What's he saying? - Oh, God.
- What? Shit.
I think you're gonna get the truth, Freds.
Cook? I'm pissed off, yeah? She's taking the piss and it's hurting me.
Cos Cook needs the love too.
Cookie's got nothing.
Everything all right, guys? Cookie's always got nothing.
That's why I do her pal.
That's why I pop Panda.
Panda's popped.
It's always the same - great tits, Panda, great tits, Effy.
That's all I get cos I'm shit.
I'm pure shit.
Whoa! Thomas! Back off.
No, OK, mate? No! He does not deserve friends! Yeah.
He's a cunt.
Move! Move! You've had a busy day, haven't you, J? I'm sorry.
I got locked on.
You all pissed me off.
Does this mean I can't come to the shed any more? Course not, you can still come to the shed.
Just give me some space, OK? I need time to think.
What's going on? Someone said he It's yours, I think.
Hello.
Hello.
How are you doing? Here.
There you go.
According to the diagnosis, I'm liable to social dysfunction.
They shouldn't let me out really.
It's OK, JJ.
You did me a favour.
I did? Katie loves me.
I know she does.
Yes, definitely.
Did you do it? Did you ask for stuff? Um, yeah.
I did a fair bit of asking.
And how did it go? I'd say bad on the face of it.
But in another sense, you might say it's too early to say.
Yeah.
Too early to say.
I don't want to go home tonight.
Katie's too Locked on? Yeah.
She's locked on.
I don't want to go home.
I can't.
Right.
So let's think.
Please tell me somebody makes you wear those pyjamas.
No.
I just like them.
They're 100% Egyptian cotton, which is good cos rayon derivatives and other man-made fibres can interfere with JJ.
If we're going to be my friends, you can't wear teddy bears any more.
Get them off.
Right.
You got it.
No teddies.
I've got some others with World War One Fighter planes on.
OK.
I'm asking for something, JJ.
OK.
Yup and I'm saying yes.
But possibly a phased approach might be more No.
Take them off.
Don't be silly.
Take them off now, JJ, and get in here.
This is a once-only charity event, you understand.
Got you.
Because you're gay.
Yes.
I'm gay.
Get on with it.
In you pop.
I'm lots of things, JJ, and I really like you.
So this is between friends, yeah? Between friends.
And I can be quite cute.
Yes.
You can.
Hi, Mum.
Hi, JJ.
You OK? Yeah.
Mum, this is Emily.
Hi.
Hello.
A friend of mine.
OK.
Would you like some tea? Um.
Yeah, please.
Thanks.
So how was it last night? DIALOGUE BECOMES INDISTINCT Flume # I am my mother's only one # But it's enough # I wear my garment so it shows # Now you know # Beware the moon.
#.
.
Only love is all maroon # Gluey feathers on the flume # Sky is womb and she's the moon #