SLiDE (2011) s01e08 Episode Script

Episode 8

Community arts project? How was 1974? 1984, thank you very much.
What is that? It's a smokin' hot ride for a smokin' hot date.
Who with? Jessica.
Which one is she? The hot one, not Dykey McDyke, obviously.
Hmm, she's cute.
Bunnies are cute.
She's sensational.
No, I mean the other one.
She looks like a boy.
Yeah, exactly.
Can you help me with this? What are you doing? Getting married to the girl? Going to her formal.
Something happened to her date.
Ugh, what is that? It's like a rat had sex with a pine tree and their kids have died in your air con.
It's vintage.
30 years of memories.
I hope there were seat covers when those memories were made.
Did you get Luke to check it out? I can handle some things myself, you know.
Anyway, he's probably still hanging out with his cool friends.
Oh, still on that, are we? Well, it certainly is smokin'.
No, no, no! Just call a mechanic.
I need this car tomorrow.
We're going to the make-out spot.
Why is that everything I touch turns to shit? It's like my special power.
I'm Shit Man.
I'm sure she'll understand.
I don't want her to understand.
I just want to get it right for once.
Well, maybe it's time for Ed to decide who Ed wants to be.
You know what? Shit Man is finished.
He's hanging up the suit.
Can we stop talking in third person now? I'm 'New Man'.
Bewildered, confused, disappointed.
Well, actually, I'm beyond disappointed.
I get it.
And what does it say? That you're a criminal? I mean, it might look pretty, but it's still vandalism.
It's not like I'm tagging shop windows.
It's my art.
It's what I do.
And you're a wonderful artist.
I mean, no, you are.
I just don't understand why you can't showcase it on the canvas as opposed to someone's private property.
Street art is a legitimate art form.
It's taking art out of the context of the gallery.
It's anti-elitist.
You should be all over it.
This is about the opportunities that you have, opportunities that I never had, and how you're throwing them away.
Your exams are over in two weeks.
I want you to consider the effect that those two weeks are going to have and concentrate on study.
OK? Did you hear that Bridie Shaw came out? Tugged twice over it already.
So what, if a girl's not interested in men then she becomes more attractive to you? Absolutely.
I don't know how women are attracted to us.
You girls are so much better-looking, even the average ones.
Like her - a four at best, but so, so far superior to a set of hairy balls in every way.
What would you say if I became a lesbian? How do you know you're meant to be straight, when you haven't tried it, haven't got any evidence? It's just like you were saying, you know? People expect you to be this thing, and what if you're actually meant to be something else? I see what you're getting at.
I could have been a ninja if I grew up in Japan, or Asia.
My life would have been so different.
What did he say? Who? Your dad, about the car.
Ed, my dad wouldn't even let you wash that car.
Who is this girl? A super-hot one.
And I'm never gonna smell her shampooey hair ever again.
Oh, come on.
How hot are we talking? Tell her, Tams.
She's pretty, in, like, a predictable, conventional, clich├ęd kind of way.
What do you know about hot girls? You liked her dykey-looking friend.
Hmm, changing teams, are we, Tammy? But don't you have to have a straight phase before you can have a lesbian one? Are you saying being gay is just a phase? I've made out with heaps of girls and it doesn't make me a dyke.
And was that to impress some guy? Mmm, no, but it is a natural side effect.
She needs to get laid, big-time.
No arguments here.
Back to Jessica - hot like you, but super smart as well.
Fuck you.
I'm smart.
Not "blackmail your parents" smart.
Or "kill your principal" smart.
Too soon? Hey, Tams, I'd totally understand if you wanted to cancel the whole "V pact" thing now.
You know what? I want to do it.
I'm sick of it hanging over me.
And, you know, I'm really glad that I've got someone I can trust to do it with.
I mean, so what if I'm not attracted to you? Just 'cause you're attracted to someone doesn't mean you should sleep with them.
I'm glad that I didn't do it with Luke.
I trust that guy like a dingo with my baby.
Bad, isn't it? No, I think we can work with that.
Wow! You don't look awful.
So I'll look great as I dink Jessica on my bike to the formal.
Can't you just swallow your man pride and ask Luke if you can borrow Dylan's car? I don't need Luke to sort everything for me.
But is she like Johansson hot or Megan Fox hot? 18-year-old Jolie hot.
Wash your goddamn mouth.
Oh, God, I will never, ever masturbate ever again.
Just please deliver me a car.
Why, where you going? 'Cause you know I'd find you! Some kid did a vommy in the food court.
Hey, Phil.
So I think I've got a solution to your little problem.
Which one? "Have you got the balls to win an SUV?" What does 'SUV' stand for? Something something vehicle.
And yes, I have got the balls.
The beast is mine.
Go away.
I'm shooting up.
You still got that guitar? I want to start up again.
Are you avoiding Tammy or Ed or both? Your dad's right.
You should be a lawyer.
Don't you start.
And he wants me to be a doctor, not a lawyer.
Might be a way to make it up to them.
Cool friends out of town today? Yeah, I thought I'd chill with you losers.
Oh, can you just kiss and make up, or wrestle, or whatever it is you boys do? So what's the plan? Fireman Tom's one thing.
This is a $50,000 car.
This is the best investment we'll ever make.
And it's got five seats.
Sorry, um, we? Come on.
When have I not been there for you guys? OK, can you just do it for the potentially future Ed and his stupidly hot wife? Please? If we know how big the interior is, then all we need is the size of one ball to divide it by.
Do you think Jessica would know how to do that? Why don't we just drive it out of here? Middle of the day, opening hours.
We'll throw on some fluoros and just drive it straight out.
No-one would even question it.
Maybe we could jump the security posts after that, Steve McQueen.
If we could see through the thousands of plastic balls.
Alright, what's your idea, then? Can you find the security room? I'll see if I can manage with my tiny dinosaur-sized brain.
Excuse me.
Is this the lost and found? I left my phone somewhere and she tried calling it.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Hey, you seem really familiar.
Have I seen you on TV or something? Maybe.
Maintenance turned up yet? About time.
Sorry about that.
Busy weekend.
Mostly non-speaking stuff.
Um, 'Sea Patrol'.
I was in that.
Um, and I did a war movie.
Sam Worthington shot me in the face.
Wow, that is so cool! Yeah.
Well, that's why I got into acting in the first place.
You get to do cool stuff.
But then it really started to open me up, emotionally and, um, intellectually.
Really? Uh, listen to this.
"You ask, what is life? "That's the same as asking, 'What is a carrot?' "A carrot is a carrot and nothing more.
" That's Chekhov.
It's intense, right? That guy must have smoked some good drugs.
How's the vertigo? New Man doesn't get scared of heights.
Before you go on stage, we would do we would do a vocal warm-up.
We'd do something like this.
Stretch out your, um your diaphragm.
We call this 'picking apples'.
I'm inside an egg.
What kind of bird am I? I'm a chicken, obviously.
You know, my aunty is a casting agent.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, it's probably not your bag, but she's casting this big American thing at the moment.
Oh, no, I'm, uh I'm incredibly interested, yeah.
Yeah? Well, if you wanna give me your number or something, I can try and set something up.
That that OK.
That sounds great.
That was so good.
I can't believe that.
- Yeah, I've been doing classes and - You can really tell.
Joe patrols every hour on the hour.
Tiny problem.
How do we get in? Covered.
He's like Ed's non-retarded twin brother.
So you'll let us in? Just I thought it'd be fun, you know? Mall after dark.
This is about the car, isn't it? Are you gonna .
steal it? No.
OK, look, you got me.
But not to steal it, just make sure that I end up owning it, because What? I didn't want to ruin it, but I was planning a road trip.
Yeah, I want to go on a road trip to Byron, with you, after exams.
So how many ways did you have to do Phillipa for this? Yeah.
I never really got the concept of shopping malls.
There's no exclusivity.
It's just like everything's jammed in next to everything else.
That's the point.
No, shopping malls are like a syphilitic sore on the heart of world culture.
Well said.
Yeah, give me winding Paris streets with tiny overpriced boutiques any day.
So who's the girl? Her name is Jessica.
Is she cute? Well, I don't know if she's certified from the Department of Cool, but I'll ask when you're not on your period.
Alright, Scar, reel him in.
What the hell did Ed have for breakfast this morning? I know.
I can't believe I'm about to say this, but he actually looks kind of sexy.
Shame you're a lesbian now.
What? Since when? Since Tams decided to become a Lesbyterian and join the Holy Sisterhood of the Inclination.
Yeah, 'cause I heard your Church of the Latter-day Sluts was all full up.
Do you want some bagpipes back there? Flare, maybe? I'm just putting it out there.
You're gonna look like a douche from the city in a four-wheel drive that's ruining the planet.
Tams, I put up with your greenie panda love 99% of the time.
I don't care if it ran over the last Tasmanian tiger.
It's mine.
Even I'd almost do you in that car, Ed.
See? It's a machine of miracles.
So, what now? We hide.
Totally boned Phillipa, didn't you? What? No way.
I saw it in her eyes.
You don't look at a guy like that unless you've given him your hymen.
What? That's You're insane.
Is that true? Don't look at me.
So when are you gonna stop punishing Luke? This has nothing to do with Luke or Phillipa.
It's about me driving Jessica to Kangaroo Point in my new car.
Smile! Fuck! You and Ed are tight.
Jealous? Maybe.
That why he's being a dick? Isn't that the dick calling the kettle black? Why don't you just do something stupid, like, I don't know, apologise? You want me to apologise to Ed? Or you, again? Me? I'm fine.
I feel great.
Now that you've jumped the fence.
Yeah, well, maybe I was never on your side of the fence.
Seemed like it, a couple of weeks ago.
Maybe I was just camping on your side to see if I liked it.
But I didn't.
So now maybe I'm just checking out what's on the other side.
Is that why you didn't want to sleep with me? 'Cause anyone that doesn't want to sleep with you mustn't be interested in men.
That's not what I meant.
'Cause you're just irresistible to all females.
I didn't say that.
Fuck, can you give me a break? Look, the reason I didn't What's with the bird call? We're in a fucking shopping centre.
Oh, just let him have it.
Let's get started.
This kind of reminds me when I was a kid and I fell in the ball pit at IKEA.
Can I have a better job than counting? Oh.
You'll get the hang of it some day.
This kid called Trent held me upside down till I vommed and they had to clean out all the balls.
Another 25.
Hey, you know what? Since you geniuses are such talented mathematicians, I'm gonna leave you to it.
Where are you going? Just concentrate on your little balls.
How are you going there, Luke? Fine, thanks, Tammy.
How are you? Dude, why didn't you just ask for help with the car? I thought you'd be busy, you know? Hanging out with your friends that you aren't ashamed to be seen in public with.
I could've told you it'd be a lemon, that's all.
You'd know all about picking a lemon, wouldn't ya? How did I get dragged into this? So is it just cramps, Ed, or do you get headaches and sore breasts too? I've got breasts and a dick now? Yeah, you're a lady boy, with gigantic, hairy nipples.
Why don't you show me what a man you really are? Shh! It's only been half an hour.
Let's bail.
No, no, no, put the balls back in.
Tip them all back in! Quick! OK, hide! Oh, Phillipa! OK, you got me, you guys.
I was shitting myself.
Oh! How long have you been waiting for me? Why would I be waiting for you? I didn't know you were coming.
What are you doing here? I can't let you do this alone.
It's our road trip.
Good stuff.
So, what are you doing inside the car? Oh, Jessica, Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.
What? We've got 28 minutes.
I'm so tired.
I need a rest.
"I'm a seagull.
" "I'm a seagull.
" Hey! Oh, my God! There you are.
I came in to surprise you and I got lost.
I'm such an idiot.
It's all just so different with everything closed.
I shouldn't have come, should I? I just I really wanted to help you with your audition and thought I'd sneak in and surprise you and I'm so sorry.
Uh Oh, God.
Um Uh, I'll just leave.
No I'm such an idiot! No, it's just Where's the exit? Uh, exit? I can't breathe! Bathroom? Where's the bathroom? It's up here.
Oh Um, it's up here to your left.
I just had another future projection.
So we pull up to a servo in, like, the middle of nowhere - How many bags is that? - Three of 250 balls.
And you're filling up with gas and I go inside and get two pink slushies.
You missed.
Hey, maybe Phillipa and I should, um, go look for any other balls.
Yeah, I'll come with you.
Are you alright? Sorry! No, that's alright.
Um If I have to do a vomiting scene, I can use this moment.
I just really wish I had something to help calm me down.
Oh, me too.
"I see a cloud, like that one, shaped like a piano.
" Wow, that's poetic.
That's Chekhov.
Really? You make it sound like you.
Could she be any more desperate? I mean, she may as well just write "I love you, Ed" across her bosoms.
But Ed keeps her hopes up as well.
I mean, he's so scared of hurting her feelings.
He should just be honest.
- I feel kind of bad.
- Really? Do you really think that you and Ed are Oh, God.
That's I wish I was blind.
I'm hungry.
They must think I'm a wanker.
I mean, who's gonna believe that a shopping mall cop can do Shakespeare? Yeah, people make those kind of assumptions about me all the time, just because I take some care of my appearance.
Well, yeah, but What? Well, you do put out the whole image.
Yeah, well, dressing like a noob doesn't make you smart.
I just wonder who you're trying to impress.
Well, you're the actor.
Your whole job is trying to impress people you don't even know.
My job's to find the truth.
You're right, you do sound like a wanker.
Alright, I'll make you a deal.
You get in touch with your inner pansy, and I'll lose some foundation.
I'm confiscating this, by the way.
I think it might be what's making you emotionally distant.
OK, so that's six bags of 250, plus 178, so that is 1,678.
More balls than Mardi Gras.
Is that it? Yes, that's it.
Plus what the others find.
Yeah, where are they? He won't tell anyone 'cause he and Tammy hatched this dumb plan to deflower each other when they were drunk on New Year's, and now he's just too nice to break it to her that she is the oldest virgo in Bris-Vegas.
Looks like this time you might just get the girl.
Maybe she's got a hot friend.
Double date.
I don't think you should do that.
We should really start heading back.
You know, it's really awesome of you to do this.
Even though most of the time I'm a shitful mate and bad study buddy.
Yeah, and you always order salad instead of chips and end up stealing mine anyway.
It's a weakness.
Can't help it.
It becomes terrifying, and your heart stands still.
Wow, that's beautiful.
Well, if you can't trust your best friend to help you commit criminal fraud, then Probably just a bird.
How many did you get? 1,678 and 16.
Sure? Yes! OK.
Come on, let's go! Hey! 1,694.
Go, go, go, go, go.
How are you gonna get all of us? Just like that.
Ed, I'm trapped in a storeroom with some dummies, and a few mannequins.
OK, stay tight.
I'll get you out.
I'll find us a fire escape.
So, what time's Ed supposed to get Jessica tomorrow? Who's Jessica? Is Ed seeing someone else? You can't be seeing someone else unless you were seeing someone in the first place, Phil.
Well, he's not seeing you, Tammy.
Is that what you're upset about? Your little virgin pact? Excuse me? Well, guess what! You are barking up the wrong tree, honey.
Because in fact This is weird.
1,694! I will never doubt your genius ever again.
Yay! 1,694.
You were almost a man today, Edward.
Thank you.
Not so bad yourself.
Yeah, completely believable as a cleaner.
Daddy always said I had potential! What's wrong with you, Tams? PLT? Pre-Lesbian Tension? Nervous about eating the kiwi? I love kiwi.
You know, boys can be really annoying, but dating girls does have its own problems.
Like what? They steal your clothes.
And two periods every month.
Hey, here's a question.
When do you lose your virginity if you're a lesbo? What? It's a genuine scientific question.
Does there need to be, you know, like, a package delivered? I dare you to say that to a real lesbian.
Imagine if you went to your friends and said, "I'm not a virgin anymore.
I got a pinkie in.
" You'd be a complete joke.
This is so dumb.
No, it's a bonus.
It means that you can get as dirty as you want and still remain a perennial princess.
This is like three elephants talking about knitting.
II gotta go.
I'll come with ya.
Got somewhere more cool to be? For fuck's sake! I had a shitty time the other night, alright? You feel better? I would, if it was true.
Yeah, I saw the photos.
That's right, I stalked you on the internet.
So what? The point is, I saw you all king of the world with boobs and drinks swirling around your big, smiley face.
So I know for a fact that you did not have a shitty time.
Oh, screw this.
I'm out.
I'd turn gay too if I was with that douche.
I mean, if I started out as a woman.
Tammy's not gay.
She's just curious.
Excuse me? So, what are you now? The arbiter of the dykes, hey? Oh, for fuck's sake! That was, um Wow! That was not as, um, hairy.
But you felt nothing, right? I felt something.
You barely even slipped the tongue.
You're not gay.
My work here is done.
You'd better not wank over this.
You'll never know.
You went through my computer? Did you think it was a clever idea documenting your crimes? Not one of my best.
How can we trust you, Evie? You obviously learnt this behaviour from someone.
Meaning? Well, this is not you.
No, it's not you.
You might want me to be a doctor.
Maybe it's just not in my genes, OK? This time tomorrow I'm gonna be in the back seat of my brand-new SUV with the best-looking human I have ever seen.
I'd be careful raising expectations that high.
You don't want to be disappointed.
If I end up in that car with Jessica, someone may be disappointed but it certainly won't be me.
Well, I just think you should concentrate on getting the first kiss right before you start booking tickets to nooky town.
That's all I can say.
Really? Well, Scar might have proved that I do like guys, but she also proved that the guys I've been with have a lot to learn.
In what way? Well Technique, amount of pressure or what? It's hard to explain.
Can you try? Well, show me what you've got.
Plant one on me.
Go on.
OK? Not bad.
Might just get you to second base.
I gotta get home.
I gotta get to Kangaroo Point.
Where the hell is second base, anyway? You know, I never know what those Americans are talking about.
I don't know how to talk to her anymore.
Yeah, I know.
I feel like she's become another person or something.
I don't know.
I just I don't know.
Avoiding them won't help.
When were you gonna tell us about this shit with your dad? He was asking me for my help.
It was awkward.
He wants to take me somewhere.
Probably the cops.
Do you ever wonder what your parents would think of you? Try not to.
When I was little, I used to hope my real parents would show up and I'd be like, "Fuck you! "This is what you missed out on.
I'm awesome.
" And what about now? Let's go watch the little fella win his toy.
OK, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the ballots are sealed.
The numbers are in.
It's time to reveal the winner of the brand-new, state-of-the-art freedom machine! It looks like no-one has actually guessed correctly, but we have two punters who have come very, very close.
So at equal guesses of 1,694, Ed Newman and Julie Byer! Hello! Come on up here.
Ed Newman! Ha ha! Good on you, matey.
Ed, what about if you win? It's all for a special girl.
A really, really special girl.
Well, I reckon she's gonna think you're a special guy if you take this bad boy home.
OK, Julie, Ed, this is how it's going to go.
Julie, you're going to take the first guess.
I'm going to give you a higher or a lower, and then it's over to you, Ed, to step up to the plate.
Here we go.
Julie, you're going to take the first punt, sweetheart.
Lower! Oooh! Ed.
Higher! 1,695.
We have a winner! Whoo-hoo! Congratulations! I'm not even allowed to drive yet for, like, five years! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, Eddie, I'm so sorry.
I mean, I must have, like, when we were collecting them last night, just put one I'm sorry.
I blew the road trip.
There was never a road trip.
What? There was never a road trip.
And now, thanks to your incredible retardedness, when I'm old and disgusting I'll look back in shame at a filthy tree house scramble with you, rather than on an incredible night in that SUV with the most beautiful woman God ever invented.
What? I've fucked up in every possible way you can imagine, Phillipa.
But fucking you was the worst mistake I've ever made in my entire life.
Are you OK? Who am I kidding? I can't change.
It's built into my DNA.
Well, I happen to like your DNA.
Look, I know I'm no substitute for a mind-blowing night in the back of a car with a model Luxury SUV.
A luxury SUV.
But would you hate me if I said a part of me was relieved that we're still in this together? Not just relieved.
I I want to.
I want to do it with you.
I can't believe this is happening! - Is it in yet? - Stop it.
Stop it, please! I'm sorry.
Tams! Tammy, wait! Tams! Tammy! Tammy, wait, OK? I'm sorry.
I didn't When? A little while ago.
I didn't And you didn't think to tell me? I didn't think you'd really care.
So you kept it a secret anyway.
Did you all know? Tams Hi, this is Phillipa.
Leave a message after the tone.
And I will call you back on my mobile cellular phone.
Hey, Phillipa, look, I'm a dick, and I didn't mean to, you know I didn't mean to say I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry about what I said.
But even if I do ruin my life, it's mine to ruin, not yours.
Look, I always wanted to think of me as your father.
I do.
But if you want to go and find your birth mother I don't.
What about you? Bet sometimes you wished you picked a different crib.
We didn't get a choice.
We just got lucky.
What are we doing at your work? Are you gonna make me throw it all away? Uh, no.
I figured you could use a fresh canvas.
And I could keep a lookout for the cops.
Tammy, I know you're in there.
I can hear your sad song.
Can you make some noise or something? Come on, Tams, I'm sorry.
My car! Someone stole my car! Welcome back, Shit Man.
Fuck! Hey, that's my car! Oi! Ta-da! Hey, I might have been a dick, OK, but I held your hand while someone pulled an insect out of your infected knob.
So don't tell me I'm not your best mate.
Now, let's go get this girl.
Cheer up, Charlie.
I thought you said this girl was hot.
She is.
Just what you need.
Hey, forget about the whole amateur porn thing, yeah? Yeah.
Hi! Hi.
And they said if I brought a girl to the formal, I'd be expelled.
Can you believe how conservative and homophobic that is? Definitely.
I can't believe my mum didn't explain the situation.
Must have forgotten to mention it.
No, she's a psycho bitch.
She's hoping that I'll go out with you and suddenly I won't be a lesbian anymore.
So Retarded.
So when I said we should go to Kangaroo Point, did you think I meant you and me? What? No.
Aww! There'll be plenty of desperate straight girls who are there with gay boys tonight.
So many.
I'll introduce you.