Slings and Arrows s01e03 Episode Script

Madness in Great Ones

He's doing the rounds.
He saw the chekov on Tuesday.
He was at the dream last night.
Yeah, there he was, third row from the back, Head buried in his hands Like he'd lost a brother in the war.
He wouldn't recast, would he? Cyril: Oh not the dream, no.
But god knows what he'll do with oliver's hamlet.
(laughs) play the lead himself.
You think? Cyril: Well why not? It's was the play that drove him mad.
Not really.
Cyril: Seven years ago.
I saw it all with me own eyes.
Half way through the gravedigger scene He suddenly went all quiet and pale.
He went off? Cyril: Off his nut.
Then he leaped.
Leaped? Cyril: Into the grave, duckie.
Into ophelia's grave.
Leaving horatio and laertes staring down into the hole As if they'd just made a wish.
Crickey, indeed.
Then he went screaming out into the night Mad as a hatter.
Well, he's been to a hospital, had treatments, Maybe he's better.
Maybe he's worse.
Head up, here she comes.
Uh, carlsberg.
Two carlsberg.
Bloody hell.
Ô cheer up, hamlet ô Ô chin up, hamlet ô Ô buck up, you melancholy dane ô Ô so your uncle is cad ô Ô who murdered dad and married mum ô Ô that's really no excuse to be as glum as you've become ô Ô so wise up, hamlet ô Ô rise up, hamlet ô Ô perk up, and sing a new refrain ô Ô your incessant monologizing ô Ô fills the castle with on ennui ô Ô your antic disposition is embarrassing to see ô Ô and by the way, you sulky brat, ô Ô the answer is: "to be" ô Ô you're driving poor ophelia insane ô Ô so shut up, you rogue and peasant ô Ô grow up, it's most unpleasant ô Ô cheer up, you melancholy dane ô (cheers and applause) Hi.
Geoffrey: Hi.
Is that oliver? His skull, yeah.
How- how did you uh Geoffrey: Taxidermist.
Very eager to do the job.
I imagine this kind of work Must the secret dream of every taxidermist.
(grimaces) Okay, couple of things.
Uh, uh First, put that away In a drawer or something, please, now.
Second uh, richard's not here yet So we've pushed the meeting back to 9:15.
Is it Heavy? You want to hold it? No, thank you.
Geoffrey: Oh come on.
He would have wanted you to.
It's not heavy at all.
It's lighter without the ego.
Strange isn't it? You can see that it's him.
Look at his teeth.
Every molar has a filling.
You see that? It's because of those horrible things he ate all the time, Those mints, those after eight mints? He ate boxes of those things.
He was a child really.
(crying) oliver.
Can I get a coffee-- black? Cream and sugar? Yeah, black.
(telephone rings) Anna: Richard Did you forget about the artistic committee meeting? I can't come in, I'm too depressed.
Everybody's gathered for the meeting.
Richard: I can't come in.
I can't come in.
Well, can you just phone in? It won't take long, I promise.
Just, just phone in and say that you have a stomach virus.
That's what I do when I'm depressed.
Please? Oh god.
All right, fine.
Anna: Thanks richard.
Call the boardroom in five minutes.
Final ending's playing at the roxy.
Jack crew's in that.
I don't want to see a movie.
Oh come on.
I mean, it's not everyday they cancel rehearsals.
Claire: I have an idea.
Let's have an adventure.
An adventure in new "burp-age"? Not possible.
We could smoke some of this.
Oh No, I don't smoke pot.
Neither do I.
I got it off my stoner brother.
I thought if I smoked a joint It would help me with ophelia's madness.
You know, give me some sense memory to work with.
(laughs) Seriously? Well, being stoned isn't the same as being insane.
It looks similar.
Stoners look like they're insane.
No they don't.
Claire: Yes they do.
No they don't.
Claire: Yes they do! No they don't.
Oh come on.
Just get stoned with me.
I don't want to go see a movie.
Richard: Hello everybody.
Please excuse me for not being there in person.
I have a virus.
Anna: He can't stop going to the toilet.
Richard: Thank you, anna.
First off, it gives me great pleasure To introduce to you geoffrey tennant, The festival's new interim artistic director.
Anna: (claps) Richard: On behalf of the board of directors I just want to say how thrilled and delighted we are To have you here.
Welcome geoffrey.
I don't know what my duties will be, exactly.
Richard: Well, that's what we're here to discuss this morning.
First of all you could take over The direction of oliver's hamlet.
I'm sure we'd all be thrilled if you brought your experience And your expertise to- No.
Richard: Sorry? I can't do that.
I'm not mentally equipped for the task at this time.
Not mentally equipped? Is that what you said? Geoffrey: Yes.
Well, that's a problem.
Is there anyone else? Hamlet is our flagship production.
It would be nice if it had a director.
Director 1: Uh sorry, richard but I'm tied up the um Chekov series Director 2: It's not a play you can just direct- Director 3: I just don't feel comfortable Waltzing in on top of somebody else's production- Well do we know of anyone of sufficient stature Who could step in and direct our hamlet? Well, I think darren nichols is available.
(hysterical laughter) Richard: What's that, geoffrey? Darren nichols is an idiot.
He directed our titus in '97, I believe it sold quite well.
That was the one with the horse on the stage? Yes.
It was shit.
Anna: Richard, I could call darren nichols And just check his availability.
Yeah, why don't you do that, anna.
Geoffrey? I don't know quite what to do with you.
Geoffrey: I don't want to be any trouble.
Anna, what else did oliver have on his plate? Well, there's the corporate workshop program.
That sounds intriguing.
What is that? Richard: We teach people to develop leadership skills By analyzing key characters in shakespeare.
You could look at claudius' Crisis management techniques, for instance.
That's ridiculous.
I'll do that.
Richard: Okay, well, great.
Why don't you arrange that anna? Okay, everybody listen, You are going to have to excuse me, I'm sorry, But the cramps have returned.
(stoned laughter) No I have to go back.
I have to go back.
I can't, I can't.
Oh relax.
Enjoy the trip.
(laughs) Oh my god.
What? Your eyes.
Ah, what? They're like, bigger.
Is that possible? What are you talking about? They're huge.
You mean they're swollen? Well in proportion to the rest of your face.
Shut up.
Maybe they were always that way.
You look like a hallmark baby.
Where are you going? I got go look at my eyes.
No, no, no, no! You can't leave me! You can't leave me! No, you've freaked me out.
Now I gotta go look at my eyes! Hey jack.
What's up, jack? I'm looking for accent tapes.
You'd think in a theatre town they'd have accent tapes, But no way.
Accent tapes? Yeah.
You know, for the play.
For hamlet.
Well you know, hamlet is set in denmark So maybe you should look for danish accent tapes.
Man They're never going if they to have danish.
Ish (giggles) (stoned giggling) Are, are you high? What? Your eyes are huge.
Oh my god.
Oh my god are Are they? Relax.
Oh shit! I don't normally do drugs.
I don't.
Oh fuck.
Oh my god.
Do I look like a hallmark baby? No, it's okay.
Don't freak out.
Let's get you away from these people.
What are you on? Pot.
No way! So am I.
Really? Yeah, let's go to the park.
Holly: Life is full of disappointments.
What separates the men from the boys Is how we deal with adversity.
Are you a man or are you a boy? I don't know.
Holly: Get out of bed richard! No.
Holly: Well, you better Because I am sending a car for you, So you better be packed and washed by 4:00 p.
You want to know why? I'm bringing you to toronto.
You need to spend a couple of days in a real city, With traffic, tall buildings, and homeless people.
We're going to go shopping, We're going to have a fabulous meal, We're going to a show, And we're going to talk about the future.
So You'd better be ready by 4:00 p.
, Because if you're not, I've instructed my man to wash and dress you himself.
(hangs up, dial tone) Anna.
Do you know where I might find richard? He won't be coming in today.
May: Oh, he's upset.
He's a bit upset.
May: Well, I'll call him at home.
If you're looking for richard, he won't be in today.
Damn it! Coward.
How could you let this happen? Ellen- I'm sorry.
May, he's insane.
And he hates this place.
Geoffrey is a very passionate man.
He's not equipped to be artistic director.
Not mentally equipped.
Well it has been seven years, ellen.
Perhaps he's reequipped himself.
God knows what oliver would say if he knew.
God only knows.
Geoffrey: She's right, you know.
I'm not mentally equipped.
If you ask me, we could use a little madness around here.
What's on the agenda today? Nothing.
Avoiding people.
Good, ease into the job.
Take some time to reacquaint yourself.
Revisit the old haunts.
The old haunts.
Look, my lord, it comes! Oh jesus.
Actor: Look, with what courteous action It waves you to a more removed ground, But do not go with it.
Oliver: Geoffrey! Oh no.
Oliver: Welcome home! Here you are back at the swan.
It's about time! This is where you earned your stripes.
Romeo, marc anthony, prince hal And the other prince, dare I speak his name.
What is happening here? You're dead.
Apparently there's an afterlife Despite what they taught us in university.
Now you answer me a question.
What's all this nonsense About you not being mentally equipped to take on hamlet? I mean, I know you're crazy, but- Please Oliver: But I thought that's why you'd returned, To take up my mantle.
To snatch the festival from apathy's yawning maw.
Oliver! Oliver: Or am I wrong? Was it love's siren song That brought you crashing on these rocks? I don't know why I'm here.
I hate this fucking place! Oliver: And I don't blame you.
It drove you mad, didn't it? And it killed me.
Revenge my foul and most unnatural murder.
Anna: Geoffrey? Stop it! Excuse me, geoffrey, Are you available to do a press thing With basil at 5:00? Yeah.
Do you need some more time? I mean- No, it's fine.
Anna: Okay, we'll do it at the bar.
It's funny seeing you on that stage again.
Funny in a good way.
Kate: So, what is that like, I mean, seeing yourself up there? Doesn't that just sort of blow your mind? Well it's a part, right? I mean, I'm watching it and I'm like, Why did they use that take? Or I remember freezing in that t-shirt Because it was vancouver in November And not new york in July.
But I like to watch my movies What works with the audience, you know? It's cool.
You don't get that in theatre.
Well no, the audience is right there.
I mean, you know immediately if it's working or not.
Well, yeah, but it's not the same.
(laughs) no, it's better.
Yeah but if you're checking out the audience all the time Then you're not in the moment, right? I mean, you've done a lot more theatre than I have, But that's true, right? Watch out.
I'm huge in japan.
(giggling excited chatter) So how is it exactly that you got to play hamlet On the main stage in the festival? They offered it to me.
Life's just fucking nuts, isn't it? Darren: (laughs) no, I'm in new burbage.
Well I'm going to do their hamlet.
Hamlet! (laughs) I know, life is fucking nuts, isn't it? Thank you for doing this, geoffrey.
It's just a little get acquainted piece For the grey hairs.
Totally painless.
You ready? Geoffrey tennant, artistic director of the- Interim artistic director.
I'm really just a figure head.
I have no job responsibilities.
Interim artistic director of the new burbage festival.
How does it feel To return to new burbage after a 7 year absence? A little disorienting.
(laughs) (chuckles) Uh, you and oliver welles were famously close- Infamously close, yes.
Would it say your own bold directorial voice Developed in reaction to your former mentor's More conservative style? Well basil, uh Oliver: Will you be taking over direction Of the festival's flagship production of hamlet? No.
No, it wouldn't be correct to say? Geoffrey: No.
Darren nichols is directing it.
Oliver: Darren nichols? You hate him.
Sorry? Basil I have no idea what my bold directorial voice might be.
Well let me rephrase the question- You once stormed the stage During a college production of the tempest Directed by darren.
You started tearing- Basil: How would you characterize Oliver welles' directorial style? He set the tempest in nazi germany! There were swastikas everywhere! Oliver welles? I'm not aware of that production.
Geoffrey: No, no, no.
Darren nichols.
That man is an idiot.
Oliver: And yet you'd let him direct hamlet? Why? Darren nichols? Stop it! (gasps) uh Let's move on.
Oliver: You, geoffrey tennant, are a coward.
Fartells! (under his breath) fartells.
So uh Would you care to comment on any of the productions Currently on stage at the festival? Yes oliver, I would.
These great texts, The cherry orchard, a midsummer night's dream, They come across as, as, as Television specials.
The theatre is meant to provoke, not to anesthetize! Oliver: Well darren is provocative, I'll give you that.
Heil hitler! Would you say-? Geoffrey: Well you're the one who's responsible! I am? You consciously commercialized this festival.
It became more about drawing people into the theatre As opposed to drawing them up out of their seats! Oh you know, that's a very good sound bite for you.
And you want to know why this happened? It's because you started to hate the theatre, And why? Well perhaps it's because of a gnawing guilt Over past betrayals, uh huh?! And so you tried to kill it.
How? Through commodification! I did? No! Look at this hideous mug That I stole from the gift shop this morning.
Look at this "art!" literally art as product.
This is a crime! Oh fascinating.
Geoffrey: Oh, by the way, it was made in malaysia.
Made no doubt, by children! And so you see ladies and gentlemen, You are not the only victims here! Do you think, uh You have enough for the grey haireds? Oh, I think we have plenty for everyone.
Thank you.
That was um Good.
Uh why don't you go home goodand get some rest.
These past few days have been very stressful For everyone and not just for you.
You know anna, sometimes your diplomacy Comes off as condescension, but you're right.
I uh I uh, uh I need to unwind.
Yeah, don't we all.
Anna: Hi.
Uh, some people are upset about the interview.
Yeah, I sense that.
It's mainly just the actors and the directors and Well, most people, actually.
Anna: Just wanted to give you a heads up.
Uh, and you have the corporate workshop at 10:00.
Are you ready for that? No.
Okay, and darren has arrived, And we've scheduled a table reading of hamlet For 1:00.
I really don't want to do that.
You have to.
Geoffrey: Anna, we hate each other.
We actually dueled in university.
Why would you want me to do that? Well, three reasons: Uh one, richard is away in toronto fundraising So he can't do it.
And two, you are the artistic director after all, And three- Darren specifically requested that I do it? He had us write it into his contract.
Pissant! And please don't say anything horrible like pissant When you're introducing him.
You dueled in university? With rappiers in the quadrangle at midnight.
That's how I got this scar.
Corporate at 10:00.
Don't tell them that story.
Karen: We're all from allied acrylic.
It's a company that makes plastic products For the construction industry.
Most of us are from marketing.
Except for terry, he's from accounting.
You da numbers man! (laughter) Geoffrey: Okay, yeah, yeah.
Why are you here? We're here to To "improve management strategies And interpersonal communication skills Through an examination of key works By the great english playwright, William shakespeare.
" (laughs hysterically) Ugh, okay.
Before we begin, let me ask you a question.
Do any of you seriously believe That you're gonna sell more plastic products To the construction industry by studying, say, oh, The crisis management techniques of claudius, Bearing in mind that he was a scheming villain Who murdered his brother, married his sister-in-law In order to gain control over a kingdom? In the back.
Neither do I.
So, let's get rid of the curriculum And I think we should just fuck around with some texts.
Claire: Hold on! Ow! Oh, so sorry.
It's a superstition thingy.
You're supposed to pinch your understudy So that no misfortune happens to you- Uh to me, I mean.
(giggles) Well that's a really stupid superstition.
So, is it true? Is what true? When I left you yesterday you bumped into jack And you spent the day with said thespian? Jesus, who told you? Everybody told me.
You're the talk of the town.
Is that all everybody does around here? They just gossip? Man, your eyes are huge.
(laughs) shut up.
So, he's not gay? Apparently not.
I owe you a pint.
(dialing phone) I'm not late.
I'm not.
(mouthing lines) Maria: Okay everyone settle please.
(whispering) geoffrey.
Can you just Geoffrey: Oh um, sorry.
Uh welcome everybody.
I've been asked or Required really, To introduce your director to you.
Uh, I think we're very fortunate to have him.
You will find many of his ideas are very interesting.
Darren nichols.
(applause) Darren: Thank you, geoffrey.
Brevity is always appreciated If, for nothing else, for its sheer novelty.
(smattering of laughter) Hello everyone.
I am darren nichols.
Deal with that! All right, re: Hamlet.
This play is dead.
It has been dead for over 300 years, It has been strip-mined for quotations And propped up like lenin in his ice cave.
I don't worship dead texts but that doesn't mean I don't find interest in them.
Now, as to my vision.
I'm taking the words "rotten", As in "something's rotten in the state of denmark", Very seriously.
I want a rank and foul looking, Foul acted, and if possible, foul smelling hamlet.
A decomposed vessel, Somewhere between the swamp and the sewer.
Anyway, that's the general idea.
Questions? Okay.
Let's read this corpse.
Look I don't need any more ties.
Yes, you do.
Your ties are horrible.
No they're not, they're- they're nice.
Well you should have a special tie for tonight.
Okay look, please, I don't want to see a show.
My whole life is shows.
(sulky pout) Okay, what show? Mamma mia, two tickets, first row balcony.
I like this one.
Mmm hmm.
Ellen: And for your part, ophelia, I do wish that your good beauties Be the happy cause of hamlet's wildness, So shall I hope your virtues Will bring him to his wonted way again, To both your honors.
Madam, I wish it may.
Maria: Enter hamlet.
Here it comes, the big one.
To be, or not to be, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the stings and arr- Sorry.
The slings and arr Whether 'tis nobler in the mind To suffer the slings and And The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against the sea of troubles And by opposing end them? Well He's darren's problem, isn't he? Claire: There's a daisy.
I would give you some violets, But they withered all when my father died.
They say he made a good end (breaking into song) ô for bonny sweet robin is all my joy.
Ô You know, maybe I'm in hell.
This is what I always imagined it would be like.
Stifling, eternal, The air filled with the shrieks of the damned.
(still singing) ô go to thy deathbed, ô She's hard to get rid of, that one.
Some board member's evil niece, I believe.
She's not your problem is she? None of this is your problem.
You're just the "interim" artistic director.
A figure head.
Isn't that what you- Oh for the love of god, will you shut up! Maria: Five minutes everyone.
Darren: Ah geoffrey, I see you've added turrets To your litany of mental complaints.
Darren, listen, I fully expect you To crush this play With your pork-fisted theatrics, And I'm all right with that, But if you are planning on using a horse, Do us a favour and stick it in front of her, would ya? (laughter and chatter) Richard: Oh yes! Yes! Holly: Fantastic! Yes! That was fantastic! Oh my god- Man, the dancing and the singing! I understood every word.
I know.
I swear to god, It gets better every time.
Thank you.
It just goes to show You've gotta keeps things in perspective, you know? You know, I saw a chorus line when I was 16 on broadway, I- I was blown away! You know? I cried! I love that show.
It's what made me go into the theatre.
I used to listen to all those albums, you know? Damn yankees, kiss me kate.
My parents thought I was gay! How the hell did I wind up in new burbage? Okay, don't torture yourself.
Come on, let's go for a drink.
You know what they are? They're pure entertainment.
That's right.
I am so sick of hearing, "it's a dense play", Oh "it's a difficult play".
I've never seen anyone come dancing and singing Out of the swan like we just did.
Holly: I know and why do you think that is? Well 'cause shakespeare Shakespeare's like- 400 years old.
And I don't even think he was that good! There, I said it.
I mean, you know, at entertaining people.
I mean, I'm not saying that like, Abba were better writers- No, no, no.
I know what you mean.
(laughs) I don't like shakespeare.
Nobody does, richard.
That's the thing.
You put on plays that nobody wants to see.
God, what a waste.
You're right.
You're right.
You know what? I gonna let you in on a little secret.
Over the past five years I have been working with a group of people, Mostly lawyers and musicians on developing a musical Based on the life of john lennon.
We are this close to securing the rights.
No I've already spoken to yoko.
Ono?! Uh huh.
Oh my god that could be huge! Richard: That's got everything.
That's got romance, music, murder in new york city! I know! Oh god richard, There is so much I want to tell you, You know, about my vision of the future Your future.
Let's go back to my condo.
I'm going to blow your mind.
He wants me to smell myself.
That's what he said.
Maybe it was a hint, duckie.
Ellen: Typical darren.
Everything has to be outrageous.
I'll never forget being stepped on by that horse.
Frank: (snorting) oh yes.
Geoffrey isn't a fan, I understand.
Ellen: Oh geoffrey hates darren.
Frank: Well he hates everything.
Did you hear what he said About gunter's cherry orchard last night? Dreadful things.
Made that young one cry.
Little edward.
Excuse me.
You can't drink here.
Oh hello, ellen.
Where's your boyfriend? Cub scout meeting? You're upsetting everyone.
You know, I remember a day When the actors would have been thrilled To have the artistic director join them at the bar.
You go around slandering everyone And expect them to buy you a drink? Well, some people welcome criticism.
In fact, some of them believe That the integrity of this festival Has been undermined by the complacency of the old guard.
That would be you.
Everyone? Yoo hoo! Drinks at my place, For anyone who's uncomfortable here.
Just a short drink.
Frank: Uh, where do you live? Oh uh, 23 glendon road.
Just off trinity.
Yellowish-gold tudor, cottagy-style Just follow me.
Oh, god.
Uh sorry, uh I mean, just the hamlet people.
I don't have enough liquor, sorry.
I also remember a time When this place was all about getting laid.
Holly: Okay, buy up the town of new burbage.
Cosmopolitan lenstrex is on board So start-up shouldn't be a problem.
We're going to expand the festival into the town, Make it sort of a theatrical theme park-- Rides and exhibits and big budget musicals Like "mamma mia!", And "imagine".
Oh come here.
Oh, we'll make millions! You know where I got the idea for this richard? From you! Yeah, from your silly gift shop expansion.
Imagine if the whole town was a gift shop? Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Oh make me rich, baby! Santa claus! Richard: Fuck! (grunts) Geoffrey: Okay, that's good, but You know, what you're talking about here is loss-- Catastrophic, gnawing absence.
Your wife has died, And And what does this really mean? I mean, I think human beings, all human beings Are by nature selfish.
And so when we mourn, We are actually mourning Part of ourselves that has died.
And you have now lost the person that defined you, And so in a sense you have lost your identity.
And who are you now, without her? And you are uncomfortable inside your own skin, You have become a stranger even to yourself.
Okay? Phil: The queen my lord, is dead.
She should have died hereafter.
There would have been a time for such a word.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow Creeps in this petty pace from day to day To the last syllable of recorded time, And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way To dusty death.
Out, out, brief candle! Life is but a walking shadow, A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more.
It is a tale told by an idiot, Full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.
Very nice.
(enthusiastic applause) Geoffrey: Okay, let's call it a day.
Those of you who don't have a really long commute You're welcome to join us at the theatre bar And the first drink, terry, is on me.
All: Woo hoo! All right! Terry: Oh, thank you.
You were great, really.
Really great.
(nervous laugh) Fuck, I love this.
Ghost! Step forward.
And horatio.
Look my lord- And then the flames shoot up.
We'll have pyrotechnics here, here, here Here and Here! So look out people, Or you'll be burned alive.
Then hamlet, you see your dead father risen from the grave.
And we fly him into here! And he hovers! Now go.
Angles and ministers of grace defend us! Blah, blah, blah.
Maria! What I want here is darkness.
No light.
Just flames.
We'll need to vent, but we can do that.
Now marcellus and horatio, You must stay close to your horses, Because horses don't like fire.
We learned that the hard way, didn't we ellen? I had no idea that the theatre was so much like the movies.
Darren: Gertrude is past her prime.
Her hair is greying, Her tits are sagging.
I want to see her age.
And with ellen that shouldn't be a problem.
Sorry darling.
Bad dye job, roots are showing.
I don't want to see any wigs.
No wigs! I want yellow teeth and hairy legs.
Oliver: You inspire.
You have vision.
You mine the human soul for truth.
Oh god.
Oliver: It's a gift.
And yet you waste it On accountants and middle managers.
Geoffrey: What is wrong with me? Maria: Darren, it's 5:00.
Darren: Fucking unions.
That's it children, See you tomorrow.
Ellen: Oh um, everyone?! Remember, drinks at my place tonight.
All are welcome, except geoffrey.
Terry: She never spoke to me before.
Just like um, "can I get my vacation pay now or do I have to wait 'til the end of the fiscal year," kind of thing.
Geoffrey: Well, you can act.
And that's a turn on.
Terry: Yes it is.
Yes it is.
Why don't you act anymore? Well, terry, I had a nervous breakdown on the stage.
And I can never return.
It's too humiliating to return.
Geoff, you've got to get back on that horse.
You've got to get back on that horse Or you'll never get on a horse again.
I don't want to get on a horse again.
I'd rather direct.
Oh well Oh, you're a good director, I mean I don't know what I'm talking about but- Geoffrey: You know, there is one thing about acting that I miss.
What? I was in love with an actress, A beautiful, talented actress And when we were together on the stage It was like I was like having sex in public.
Oh, I love that.
And I have never felt as close to anyone.
And we played all of the great love scenes and we meant it.
And people would stand and they'd cheer And then they would throw flowers And then we would go home and we would make love.
And that I miss that.
Because life cannot compete with that.
I can't compete with that.
Come on.
I need you to be my second.
What's a second? (happy chatter) Darren: And he said, he said, I could go out and till the entwood hills.
And I said, oh really, could you, my friend? And he said yes.
Show me, And this is right here in the dressing room, mind you.
So there he did it.
And I said, you sir, Are no peter o'toole.
Put it back in your pants, darling.
(laughter) Oh, he does go on, doesn't he? He was born talking, duckie.
"a funny thing happened to me in the way out of the womb", He said, as the doctor slapped his little body.
Oh, sorry! Excuse me.
Sorry, sorry, not the sideboard.
Kate: Okay I just- I have to ask you.
Have you gone out with supermodels? Not supermodels.
Models? Yeah.
But no supermodels, I swear.
Well, one supermodel, But she was just a regular model When I was going out with her.
Was she beautiful? No, she was one of those ugly models.
She modeled like bandages and farm clothes and stuff.
(laughs) Hey, uh do you want to sneak out For a walk or something? Yeah, sure.
It's really warm out.
Ooh! I know where we can go.
(crash) Geoffrey: Terry.
Terry: Yeah? Geoffrey: Bring the weaponry.
Terry: Where are we? What are we doing in the (laughs) geoff! Wait! Geoffrey: What noise is this?! Oh my god! There's the villain! Geoffrey: Terry? Give him his rappier.
What kind of game is this, geoffrey? Geoffrey: You are a pompous fool.
You have no respect for the stage You have no business working in the theatre.
You slaughter the text, You fill the stage with animals, You You're just an all-round goof.
Take up you weapon.
Geoffrey: Terry, clear the killing field.
Buttons off! Crowd: Yeah! Yeah! Ellen: Geoffrey, what the hell are you doing! Darren: I don't want to fight you, geoffrey.
Geoffrey: If it be now 'tis not to come, If it be not to come, it will be now.
If it be not now, yet it will come.
The readiness is all.
And you call me pompous.
Crowd: (shrieks) Oh for fuck's sake.
I'm calling the police! Kill the asshole! Asses, not horses! Cyril: Smell your own armpits! Crowd: (concerned murmurs) Run for your lives! Crowd: (screams) Maria: Actors! You're all the same! You're all a bunch of selfish, filthy, whiney children.
Well fuck you all! Fuck off, you fuckers! (battle cry) Crowd: (screams and shouts) Ellen: Oh geoffrey! Um, I guess I better call a cab, it's I'm going to kill you! (battle yell) Get him! (shouts and cheers) (splash) Go ahead.
(laughs) That was good.
Very nice.

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