Small Town, Big Story (2025) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Oh, my God.
The fairy chair is still here.
Aye, they call this circle
The Lucky Hoop.
- Yeah?
- I don't know why.
- You're a scut. Yeah.
- Me?
Not at all.
You are, though.
You're a right scut.
"Five, four, three, two, one!"
"Happy New Year!"
I suppose you went and organized
all this for me, did you?
New Millenium?
Fucking over it already.
There's too many trees.
You hot dope.
Easy, tiger!
God loves a trier.
Seamie!
Seamie, what the fuck is happening?
"Shit!
Stupid water!"
So, a lot of feedback on the script.
Some of it good.
"Well, I am excited."
"Kudos to Wendy
for optioning that book. Boy."
- "What a page-turner, huh?"
- It sure is a quick read.
"And where are we with locations?"
We're close. Yeah, we're
We're rounding third.
Europe's got a lot of options
as you'd expect with a historical piece.
"And we've yet to sign off on that
lakeside location in Ireland, is that right?"
We've narrowed it down
to two locations in the North West.
Seems to be a straight choice
between Drumban in the north and Boyle
which apparently
is more pleasant than it sounds.
I fly over to sign off
on the final location later today.
"Did I hear that your hometown
is still in the mix, Wendy?"
If they'll let me back in, sir.
Worth reminding everyone that
current tax incentives make Boyle
south of the border, the much
more attractive financial option.
"Pina colada?
Table 4?"
How's everything at home, sir?
"Oh, staying safe, Wendy.
Staying safe."
"You know, I'm hoping to get back
into the office very soon."
Yeah, I don't know what I would do
if my dog was immuno-compromised.
Kudos for keeping
your family safe.
Circling back to locations
I have some thoughts.
- Honestly, sir, I have no skin in the game.
- I think
I haven't been there
since I was a teenager
which is nearly a decade now.
"Well, be safe out there, Wendy."
You too, sir.
Don't let any books
drop on you.
"What, what
What was that?"
No, I was just
Okay, I'll check in from the road.
"Alright.
Signing off."
"The fuck?"
Fucker's in Fiji.
- Good luck.
- Thanks, Wendy.
One sec, Wendy.
- Look, I know you're on your way
- Yet, here you are.
but I realize that this is a big step up
from your previous projects
and I think it goes without saying that
location is a very big, big decision.
So, it's important that we make it
with our heads, right, not our hearts?
- Does that make sense to you?
- It makes so much sense, Brad.
- Great!
- So, I'll assess both locations
on their merits, and then choose
the location that best suits our needs.
Well, if you're sure?
Do I sound unsure?
- I'll check in from the road.
- Okay.
These fucking stairs
"Doors closing."
Do I sound unsure?
Do I sound unsure?
"It's television, so don't expect them
to tell you what really happened."
No offence, but why are they even
making a TV show about history anyway?
- Been there, done that.
- I don't think it's about history.
From what I've been told, it's about
myths and folklore, which is
Oh, same-same.
Not same-same, Brendan
history is the story of what happened to us
as best we know it.
Whereas myths
is the story we tell ourselves
when the history is too boring
or indeed too brutal to repeat.
We can learn from history
but you can't learn from fairytales.
I don't care if they cast me
as Queen Maeve
I'm not taking my top off for it.
I'll let them know.
"I can't imagine
any of this will matter, anyway."
"I'm sure they'll choose some
other stupid town to film their show in"
"which means we can keep ourselves
a little secret from the world."
Fuck!
Fecking, birds.
They are coming for you, doctor?
Do I owe them money, Betty?
If they come back
will you tell them I'm in Lanzarote?
They've waited forever to see you.
Well, maybe if my house calls
didn't take so long?
Will you follow the light
please, Mrs. Battles?
Miss Battles, please, doctor.
Mr. Battles has been making
the ground colder for thirty years now.
You're married, aren't you
Seamus.
Yeah, that's my name.
The wife has a name
of her own, no doubt.
And one of these days, by God
I swear, I'll learn it.
Your blood pressure's a little high.
Will you promise to take it easy
on the rowing machine?
Well, I've clearly been overindulging myself
with excessive masturbation, Séamus.
It's an issue I've struggled
with my whole life.
I might head off, so
Cool enough, Seamie.
I'll walk you out.
Mere grains of sand are we,
floating uselessly through space and time.
Grains of sand
fighting over who's the wettest.
Right you are, Mammy.
No, thanks for making the house call.
I know we're out of the way.
- Did you pay the doctor, Barry?
- I did, Mammy.
I mean, that's not
really the way it works.
But don't worry
the doctor will be well taken care of.
That makes one of us, so
She's some woman.
- Aye.
- I'll
I'll see you on the pitch
later so, Seamie.
You will.
Thanks again for
that.
God, you're a big family
for the masturbation, Barry.
We're so close!
- I'm not that close.
- What?
No, like, spatially.
Like, both of our faces are so close!
- Do you want to go first, or
- No, you work away.
I've only Year 2
Boston Tea Party shit.
Do you need a hand, or
I'm sure I'll manage.
- "Carol Chapman."
- "Yeah."
"Tony Lombardi
did I tell you about Tony?"
Yeah, I know, Mum. I'm totally
caught up with who died this year.
"Oh, from my texts?"
- Oh, my ride's here.
- "Okay, Wendy."
"I'll call the same time next week."
"Apparently, Geena Lopez
is on her last legs."
No, Mum, I'm going to be
in Ireland for the next month
remember, for the show?
- "Oh."
- The time difference is a bit funky
so I might be a little quiet.
"Are you sure
you're ready to go back?"
- "B is for border."
- "We're right by it."
Yeah, I am.
It's work.
They'll make fun of my silly new ways
I'll make fun of theirs.
It'll be a hoot.
"Will it, I'd rather be
with Tony Lombardi."
The neighbors are going to watch Wanda
so obviously she's been giving me
the silent treatment all day.
"You think you'll see
your father and what's-her-tits?"
Yeah, I might try to swing by.
"Well, that sounds stressful as fuck."
"Don't drink too much."
I don't drink too much, Mum.
"And don't smoke too much."
Got to go.
I love you.
"I could come with you?"
- "Wendy?"
- Bye bye.
Bitch!
Watch it!
Sophie!
Been meaning to ask how your young
ones are coming along, Seamie?
Well, you know those plans
we had for the clubhouse trophy room?
Trophy room?
I'd ditch the idea of building an extension
is all I'm saying.
Oh, not the most talented footballers?
- I have a theory.
- I don't think we even have a trophy shelf.
These lads and lasses were
all born in the year 2007
when we had an awful issue
with the local water supply.
The contamination
at the reservoir?
This is where my theory comes in
with regards to the kids out there
and their allergic reaction
to kicking a ball straight.
You think dead sheep water
is to blame, doctor?
Well, it's certainly
not the coaching, Barry.
God forbid.
Fuck!
Why are they switching the lights on?
Trust me, there's nothing worth
illuminating on that pitch.
Alright
same time next week.
We'll try again, and fail better.
Did you hear the news
about the TV production?
Huh?
The last I heard, we were among a bunch
of small towns, parading ourselves around
like some kind of rural
beauty queens
looking for one last spin
on the dancefloor.
Well, we're down
to the last two beauty queens.
Well, we must
invest in a giant sash.
Well, speaking of sashes
McCurdle has called
a strategy meeting tonight.
Well, then the opera
shall have to wait.
To the White Ridge it is!
Come on, Barry!
You're it!
- It's your move.
- I know.
"We have Joyce replenishing
the flowerbeds twice-weekly now."
"And when they had
their last location scout"
we had the walking club write
welcome in sticks down by the river.
- Ooh, aye, I saw that.
- Nice, sticks.
- That's a nice touch Barbara
- It feels like
it's just a waiting game now, Seamie.
It's all about the tax breaks.
If they go for a town south
of the border, it'll be Boyle.
- Gem of a town, that.
- Aye.
And if they go for a town north
of the border, it'll be us.
It's as simple as that, isn't it?
I don't see it so simple.
- Here we go.
- Do you not, Keith?
No, because I Googled it
and TV programs the likes of this
have budgets of tens of millions
of pounds to spend every year.
I'm not going to lie to you
we could find a decent use
for that kind of money, boys.
Go kart track.
Drumban's had a rough time of it.
we've had the recession, the smoking ban
Sheep-gate, the magnet mine closing
the pandemic, the abundance of nettles
keeping all the tourists away.
No town
has had it easy, Keith.
Ah, wisht you! Look, Boyle
is as charming a town as there is
and there's nobody can deny that.
But is it not too metropolitan
for what they need?
How would you know
what they need?
How would you know
what they need?
- What age are we? Cut it out, will you?
- No, you cut it out!
I didn't set up this committee
for you to be nagging me all night.
Lads, lads, listen.
I'll be the first to admit, I also find
Barry's voice very dull, and mumble-y.
But we can't bicker about
Barry's horribly dull and mumble-y voice
every time we set up a committee
or we'll have to stop
setting up committees, Keith.
I'm a baritone in the choir.
I'm a baritone in the choir.
How's about I just head down to Boyle
and see where we're placed?
Great farm-to-table options.
I have a cousin in Rooskey
who keeps bees.
That could be handy.
We could sting them out.
Yeah, I'll just have a wee nosey.
You know, maybe visit their beautiful
Cistercian monastery or
take a stroll
by their new canal?
Make notes, take photos.
Yes, that's a great idea, Keith.
That's a great idea, Keith.
Does she have a silly little mouth
like butter wouldn't melt?
You're never going to get it.
"Rain, more than forty-five miles."
"One thousand and thirty-five"
Have you had any news
on the college front?
I can just talk louder, you know?
"A low, humble nine-nine-nine."
I haven't met a pair of headphones
that can stop me yet!
"Low, one hundred miles."
- "West"
- Definitely not in a car!
"Expecting"
- So much bird shit on your car.
- Aye.
Just born lucky, I guess.
"The area forecast begins moderate,
becoming cyclonic - six-two-eight later."
"Wind travelling in from
The Atlantic, bringing heavy rains."
"The wanderers return."
Your dinner's in the bin.
And honestly, you're better for it.
Sorry, there was a strategy meeting.
- What, for I Am Celt thing?
- Aye.
What a load of shite.
Still shocked
you didn't make the committee.
Hi, Sonny.
Your evening good?
Yeah, night.
Love our chats.
I think he's just wrecked.
Wanted to ask him if he's been chasing
up those college re-applications.
Yeah, yeah, you should.
Do you want a lift into bed?
Sure I'll manage.
But you've the finest manager
in all of Ireland right here.
Oh, easy.
Sorry
"Can I get you anything?"
Hi!
Can I get you anything?
Can I get you anything?
- Excuse me?
- How much longer until we land?
Oh, shouldn't be more than an hour.
Will it be
your first time in Ireland?
No.
Oh, do you have a bathroom?
On the plane?
- Yeah
- I mean, where Where is your bathroom?
Well, we've two in front
and there's three more behind us.
I think the two in the front
are occupied, so
No, it's alright.
I don't need to use it, thanks.
Has it always been this damp?
Ice caps and that, I suppose.
Second turn
after the bridge, please?
Quick hi and bye.
A while since you've been back?
Twenty years, maybe more.
You lost the accent.
Barely made it through customs.
That's a fair few years, though.
Mammy will have the dinner on.
Not sure
my stepmother's much of a cook.
I've been booked to take you
to Belmore Manor. Will I
wait outside for you?
You fucking better.
Half-hour, and you
drag me out the door.
Seriously, even if I tell you
I want to stay
you tell them
I have an important work call
with Mickey fucking Mouse
or whatever the fuck.
No bother, yeah?
Mickey Mouse, it is so.
Did you tell them you were coming?
Yeah.
You can take me to the hotel.
I want to stretch my legs
and take a piss.
Anything else?
Did you know marijuana's
legal in Los Angeles?
- The fuck are you reading?
- Dad!
On my life, I was just
gazing down at you, thinking
Look at my studious wee girl there
doing her homework.
I just finished it.
Go on
your mother's waiting in the car.
- I could cycle.
- I don't want you cycling in the woods.
- Get a wee motorbike, maybe?
- Go on, off to school.
I've a solo trip to LA to book.
Oh, my God.
I would love to see you on weed.
Well, you saw me
at your communion
- Shut up.
- You were in a class of forty-four, Joanne.
Left a lot of time for private reflection
at the church door
You're a bad liar.
Me going to stay home
and listen to Bob Marley, man
- before me start work.
- "The accent is problematic, Daddy."
Aye.
Me know this now.
Great location, this.
Come on, Jules.
That'll do, Jules.
I said, that'll do.
- Pig!
- Yeah, definitely a pig.
- "Is that for us?"
- "Maybe."
Well, take a photo.
Not of me, Jules!
What's her issue now?
"She wants to bring her kids
and the nanny along for the shoot"
"but we never budgeted
for the director's family."
If it's not stipulated in her contract
it's not our problem.
"Maybe her experience
is worth paying for?"
Her twins just turned one, and
and she told me she's still
breastfeeding, which seems clingy.
No, having her kids around's
only going to diminish her focus.
And I mean, twins?
Seriously?
Grow the fuck up.
Well, anyway, she's threatening
to exit the project if we don't work it out.
Then let her.
I honestly prefer
the other director, anyway.
He's cool, he's got no baggage.
Arty showreel.
Cool, arty showreel.
"I don't know, Wendy.
It's your call."
And I'm making it, Brad.
I got to go, I'm stepping
into a production meeting.
- Oh, well, so am I.
- "Miss you."
- Shit! Fuck it!
- Colonel! Sanders!
Get over here and leave
that cursing lady alone!
They could have fucking mauled me!
They should be locked up!
Oh, cool enough. Yeah, you grab
them there, and I'll get you the locks.
- Are you being fucking funny?
- Well, that time I was, I suppose.
What's your name?
Relax, would you?
No lives were lost.
Hey!
Do you want to sit down?
There's a wee fairy chair round the corner.
I know where
the fucking fairy chair is.
Okay.
No, I don't need to sit down.
- Do you want a cigarette?
- Do what?
Well, to chill your head, like?
You got anything stronger?
Well, I've half an ounce of skunk
in my shoe
but honestly, it's been there for about
a week. So, I wouldn't get my hopes up.
Look, I'm sorry about my dogs.
Colonel and Sanders?
Oh, well, the fuckers kept killing
the neighbor's chickens, you see?
- Oh, God
- I know, I should probably have a leash.
It's okay, I'm alright.
I've got a pet too
so I know how things can be.
I'm sorry, I was so rude.
- I've been living in America.
- Oh, got you.
Understand completely.
I had a cousin who spent
a summer in Boston once
and he came back a right cunt!
No, honestly.
It took him a fortnight to loosen up.
So, arsehole jetlag
takes two weeks?
That's it, exactly.
Better you keep your head down
until the new moon.
Good luck.
- Have a nice day!
- Fuck off!
"Origin, zero zero, and the radius
of the circle is exactly one unit."
We travel around the circumference
of the circle, counterclockwise
and of coordinates are starting
Can I be excused for a second?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
- Hello, Mrs. Proctor.
- Hi.
Did you need me, Mum?
Yeah, darling.
- Just a quick one.
- Okay. What is it?
- I'm really shit at trigonometry.
- Sorry, it's
Can we just
I just wanted
to touch base with you.
You know, about the whole
Like, your brother
dropping out of medical college thing
- that's mad, isn't it?
- What?
I just feel
like we never, you know
You and I, we never
get a chance to discuss it.
- Seems like a mistake.
- Mum, this is
No, on
On my part, is what I mean. You know?
Although, actually, you could
have brought it up, if you wanted to.
Aye, I could, eh?
But like, at home
where we are loads of the time?
Right.
Right.
Yeah, so, we're cool?
Very cool.
- Can I
- Aye, yeah.
Hold on, are we the infidels?
That is unclear, as of now.
But whomever did this barbaric act
does not seem interested in
getting to know us any better.
Not sure I want to hang out
with them either, TBH.
No, that makes sense.
No, it doesn't.
None of this makes any sense.
Come on, are we supposed to believe that
a local person would do something like this
two weeks before Vegan
Awareness Month?
It just doesn't add up. Why would
anyone from Boyle paint this here?
Well, they wanted it
to look like blood.
No.
Sure, but why this?
- Why here?
- To keep the infidels away.
Let's not over think this.
- Look, we can
- Yeah.
dispose of the head.
My uncle runs a sanctuary
for injured falcons, so that'll help.
And the kids in town usually do a voluntary
community clean-up around 3 p.m.
so everything will be back
to normal before you know it.
- But we didn't do this.
- No.
And whomever did
be careful of them.
"It's not the sign of a plan
going great, is it"
our second meeting having to take place
in the privacy of a fucking sheep shed?
Alright, mistakes were made.
- Mea culpa.
- That was a good idea.
Death to the infidels?
I thought it sounded scary.
I'm pretty sure
we are the infidels, Keith.
- Like, the whites?
- Well, it's not called show-friends, is it?
- Showbusiness.
- Did I hear you got the red paint
from Drumban Fire Station?
At which I am an active volunteer
thank you very much. You're welcome.
How's the battery looking
on that machine there, Seamie?
It's low enough
four per cent.
- Do you want me to switch it off?
- We'll be another, what, five or six?
Fuck it, let's roll the dice.
And I presume the pig's head
- Barbara!
- Jesus
- I didn't make him pay for it.
- The pig paid a price, Barbara.
And what's the craic
with the wicker man?
Oh, that wasn't us, actually.
I think that was just there?
We should tell them
what we did, really, all being fair.
- The TV people?
- I'm going to slap you in a minute.
Ten years
you're saying that.
They're probably going
to give it to Boyle, anyway.
We can't compete with the glory
of Lough Key at dusk. So, aye
We have our secret weapon, though.
Apparently, one of the producers
used to live here years ago.
- What? Here in Drumban?
- Down the road awhile.
The family lived in Belcoo
apparently.
Not many of them left now, mind.
Flew the coop herself a long time back
by the sounds of it.
"One of her crew
came into The White Ridge"
"where I'd always be on a Thursday"
"for the pea soup and the toasted
cheese and onion sandwich."
Tasty sandwich.
Word is, a few of the head honchos
are staying at Belmore Manor
"down by the lake."
Not rushing you
but if there's much more to this
- I might stick the tablet on sleep mode.
- Wisht you.
So, apparently, they're hoping to make
an announcement on location tonight.
Maybe we should just go down there
and put in one last good word?
Aye, maybe.
Did you happen
to catch her name, Barbara?
Now, that's a tasty sandwich.
- I think I might have bumped into her
- Jesus!
- running in the park.
- How did you
Are you even
on this committee, Shelly?
- Nothing else happening in town.
- Hold on a minute.
- You were running in the park?
- Was I fuck!
No, Daddy's got gout again, or some
shite, so I'm in charge of the dogs.
I met her fairly close
to your place, Seamie.
But how do you know it was her?
I don't, I suppose.
Did you catch her name, Shelly?
No.
Bit wild, she was.
Did you learn anything
else about her, Shelly?
Anything that might tip the balance
in our favor?
Well, she seems
really afraid of dogs.
Well, that's good.
We can use that.
To do what?
What goes on in your head at all?
It's like King Kong's
mumbling fecking ghost.
If we all headed down to the hotel
to stake our case for Drumban
it might make a difference?
Them Yanks are well turned on
by initiative and all that shite.
Exactly, Shelly.
Thank you.
But we don't even
know her name.
I could get it.
I did the spit-roast at the wedding
buffet for the receptionist's niece.
- She's easy bought.
- But they don't make these decisions
- on the spur of the moment.
- I'm sure, us going down there
will make no difference
to where they do their show.
Oh, you're sure, are you?
The broken bass drum has spoken, eh?
Chief lamb supplier and Vice President
of Paramount fecking Pictures has spoken.
I'm a hundred per cent sure
it won't happen.
You're like Rory Bremner.
Are you alright there, Seamie?
Aye, just didn't realize
Barry took that job at Paramount.
It does really stink in here.
The sheep's new feed has them gassy.
- Barry, could I use your toilet?
- It's blocked.
Can you piss in a field?
I'd imagine I could.
"You sure you're okay
missing the fireworks in Drumban?"
Aye, never been a fan
of organized fun, anyway.
Same.
Freezing my ass off in the woods to
mark the day makes much more sense.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
May as well make
the most of you, while you're in town.
It's not liked you'd be here, anyway.
Who knows, maybe I'll move
back and raise chickens?
You couldn't raise a chicken burger.
Which is why I need a doctor.
Oh, I'm a student.
- Yeah, you'll be back.
- Nah.
I'm a wanderer, me.
Doctor? We have discussed it politely
and have decided that
we're all going to the hotel
to talk to the TV lady.
Sorry, sorry.
- Sorry.
- Good evening, Miss Patterson.
So, I'll put forward
the financial argument.
But you lot, fight like wolves to show her
how friendly we are as a community.
- I'll hit her with the youth stick.
- And don't forget the dogs.
Your ulcer playing up again, doc?
Wendy, I think her name's Wendy.
You know her, Seamie?
I think I know her.
Or I knew her, maybe?
What, like
you knew her, knew her?
No, not like
No.
Well, maybe you should go
and talk to the lady alone
bring a bit of the old Proctor magic?
Aye.
She might feel a bit crowded
if we all came at her.
Do you still have a wee
soft spot for her there now, Seamie?
I've a wee soft spot
for her right here.
No, wait, that's not
very sexy, actually, is it?
- No.
- Let's forget that happened.
You should definitely
go alone, Seamie.
Sorry, sorry.
My name is Wendy Patterson.
I remember you, Wendy.
You've aged well.
Well, you've aged.
I tried to stay in touch.
- Aye?
- You changed your number.
A few times.
I tried all of them.
Are you going to tell them
all what happened to Seamie Proctor?
What are you
talking about, Wendy?
The night of the Millenium?
You and me in the woods
near Lough MacNean?
That was a lifetime ago.
Are you going to tell them?
I'm a doctor now
did you know that?
And so, it begins.
Hey, we did the pig's head.
Yeah, did seem out of character
for the lovely people of Boyle.
Well, we're mad fuckers now.
You don't want to bring the circus
to Drumban, It wouldn't be safe.
Let me ask you
something, Seamie.
Why'd you never leave?
I suppose
I didn't feel like I had a choice.
Why did you come back?
Same.
I'm sorry, Wendy.
How's the reverend doing these days?
Woah! My goodness, I'd forgotten
how bright the stars are at home.
Yeah.
Let's come inside.
Well, she doesn't look local.
What does that mean?
Well, she looks like she's seen the inside
of a gym and what-not.
- Here he comes.
- What she say, Seamie?
What the fuck is that?
- That is showbusiness.
- Feathers!
"Wendy!"
"And I am pleased to announce
tonight that that location will be"
"Drumban."
Yeah!
We made it!
Yes, that's class!
Oh, my God!
- That's what you wanted, isn't it?
- Aye.
- "Thank you, everyone."
- It's going to be great, yeah.
- "Thank you very much."
- It'll change the place forever.
"We are excited to get started
and I am looking forward to coming home."
How do I know her?
"I can't wait to start sharing
our story with the world"
"and catching up with old friends."
Joanne was Googling
marijuana this morning.
- Dad!
- What?
Wendy!
Was that a fucking spaceship?