Small Town, Big Story (2025) s01e05 Episode Script

1
- No
- "Wendy?"
- "What is that?"
- "Hey!"
Brad? Christ
- Good morning
- "Well, it may be there"
"but it's not morning here
and it's not good"
"Are we looking at her ear?"
"We have a bit of a problem, Wendy"
- "Josh is here"
- "Hey, man"
- "Hi, you mate"
- There they are
"I trust the wrap party went well?"
Yeah, fun! Lots of it
"Looks like we woke you, Wendy"
Astrid in Amsterdam?
I thought you were on maternity leave
- "Well, yeah, I'm supposed to be"
- "That's a cute fucking baby"
"So, I wanted to jump on as we were
concerned about a copyright issue"
"regarding I Am Celt
that came via our London office"
"So, Derek, will catch you up"
"Hi, you mate, nice to see you"
- Is it?
- "Well, it turns out"
"we don't actually own
the rights to the book"
But, well, I mean, the writer
of the show wrote the book
- So we
- "Not according to Publishing House"
"Book author has a different name"
" and we don't have
an authorized signatory for our contracts"
"So, every day we don't
have official signature is a risk"
"And obviously, I Am Celt will never make
it to the big screen until we get it down"
Why am I here?
Well, this is my hotel room
"So, it goes without saying
although I'll say it"
"We need the official sign-off
from the rights holder ASAP as possible"
Yeah, I'll get right on that
I'm sure it's just an oversight or something
"Maybe ask the author about
some of the historical inaccuracies"
- "we're seeing in the early cuts"
- What?
We're the studio
that made Tall Napoleon
You guys all read the source material
Isn't it all in the book?
- "No, But"
- "No?"
"If I were you I'd have a little
tete-a-tete with the screenwriter"
"since it was you who did the deal
on the book in the first place"
- Yeah
- "Great to see you, Wendy"
- "Hey, Carl"
- "Hey, Carl"
Carl from catering's here
"Okay, well, I better
track down that writer"
- Absolutely, thanks guys
- "Bye"
- Why am I in your room?
- Was exactly the question I asked
as you poured yourself into my bed
but alas, you weren't awake
long enough to answer it
Worry not, Wendy darling
nothing happened
I've just been sitting here
listening to you snore
like a pretty little pig
I don't think Dairy is your friend
Why is the book not registered
in your name, Jack?
Macchiato?
I'm presuming it's a mix-up?
Do you know what your lanky friend
Napoleon said about history?
- Why am I in your room?
- No
No, he said that history
is a set of lies agreed upon
Isn't that clever?
You assured me that your manuscript
underwent standard academic sourcing
- And now my colleagues are
- Wendy, Wendy, Wendy
I would love to tell you which words
are gospel and which are embellishments
- Sadly, I just don't know
- Well, why don't you know?
- You wrote the fucking book!
- Well
- And I think you'll find this funny
- Please tell me you wrote the book
Get the fuck out of your room!
Wendy, I'm well acquainted
with the actual author, of course
Your name is on the fucking cover
Wendy! Wendy!
Our night may have ended tamely
but we shared a cuddle on the dance floor
that would have made
Beelzebub blush
Where the hell is the author, Jack?
We need their signature
In the beautiful
industrial city of Birmingham
We could visit
"Get your passports, dipshit"
I'll catch you later, so!
"Good morning, sir!"
Miss! Miss!
Brendan's about to showhole
Would you put
that toga down, Brendan?
Right, look, let's summarize
Men of Rome
What say ye?
We Romans hate you Celtic hordes
"But what are your specific
objections to the Celts?"
"Based on a millennium of conflicts?"
The Celts are
accused on three counts
You drink too much
You sing too much
And you allow women far
too much power
- You little bastard, you can't say anything
- Alright!
Alright, calm down
before I have to roll over you
So, you're telling me that
any male Roman citizen
could accuse someone of a crime
and then prosecute him or her?
That's right
and all I have to say is
"she's my wife and she cheated on me
and she stole my chariot"
The power women once had
is a fair contrast to today, though
"In birth, death, and love"
"Women had more sexual
freedom in ancient Celtic society"
"It was a polygamous
and polyandrous culture"
"Meaning both men and women
could have multiple spouses"
"Love gave way to life
and death back then"
"So, the idea of betrayal
was an alien one"
"And if you did feel shame"
"at least you wouldn't
live long enough to die from it"
"It was a good time for men
They just need to remember that"
Seamie, come quick
I think Mammy might be dead
"What are you going to do, Doctor?"
There's not a whole lot
I can't do, Barry
When did you last speak to her?
Well, I was at a sustainable
farming conference in Thurles
Monday, and stayed the night
She waved me off
Before I left, I really started to think
that her breath was very faint
It was like one of those
hairdryers with the wrong plug
It was like
Sounds like maybe she hasn't
really been breathing then for four days
I mean
she's holding Sunday's paper
Well, when I got home
I was worried that
She'd get mad at me for disturbing her
for no reason, you know
You thought she'd be annoyed
at you after she was already dead?
She could be testy in the mornings
Doctor, is there any protocol?
By the power vested in me
I now pronounce your mother dead
My God! Mammy!
- Can I hug her now?
- You can, Barry
"Dad, you've got
your big meeting tomorrow"
Are you sure that the Health Board
will be cool with you doing this?
Yeah, yeah
yeah, it's all good
They're just ticking boxes and whatnot
Sorry for your loss, Barry
Cheers, Sonny
She was a remarkable woman
Incredibly strict
Did you have any final words?
Let me think
We were watching
the weather forecast, she loved that
The changing seasons
And she thought the meteorologist's
dress was way too tight
Nice, fashionable to the end
"A slut for the rain", she said
And then Mammy just kind of
Drifted off
"You're up early"
- It feels like it's been a minute
- What?
Didn't we do it last
Month?
That's a lot more than a minute
Seamie, sweetheart
it's lovely and all
But I just woke up
I'm dying for a whizz
Can you
Of course
Can't compete with a full bladder
"So let me get this straight"
"You didn't write the book
and you're not a historian"
No, but have you heard
me sing Brown Eyed Girl?
This cover gives the impression
that it was authored by an academic
No lie told
the author is a doctor
- So he is a doctor
- Well, she is a dentist
Sorry! The author of the book
is a dentist from Birmingham
Dr. Fatima Balakrishnan is a master
of root canals and the Bronze Age
I was wondering why this script
got so different from the book
I might have missed that
- I've had a lot on my mind
- Wendy, darling, worry not!
I may have sprinkled the odd fantasy
to bring the past to life for the viewer
but your television program
will be much the better for it
What are your primary sources?
Writers have different sources
We're sponges of the soul, you know?
From which bath
did you squeeze out the stuff
About the Goddess Brigid
fucking her son?
I believe I heard that theory
on a historical podcast
A podcast?
What is it called?
Toilet Break History with Gabbie
the Greek and Johnny What-What
Professors, are they?
Gabbie the Greek
and Johnny fucking who-who?
Johnny What-What! Have some respect
The man used to be deaf
Jules, step on it
I got to get the fuck out of here
There's no place for you here!
There's no place for you here!
What was even the name
of that program used to be on?
Where they all living
on a spaceship for some reason?
- Star Trek?
- No
- Battlestar Galactica?
- No
Are we going to get more clues
or are we just guessing now?
Was one of them a cat?
Maybe?
- One of the astronauts was a cat?
- Yes
- Red dwarf
- The very one! Good woman, Wendy
Why did they bring it back
or something, Jack?
I've no idea, Julian
No, I was trying to recall
What it was they called
those stars in space
that expand far too quickly
and implode violently
And then diminish into nothing
but a lonely rock floating in a vast abyss
And now I know
Thanks to my good friend
and bedfellow here
Cause that's it, isn't it?
Now, the British Empire
A wee red dwarf
"Flight ASB267 to Birmingham is
now open for boarding at Gate 3A"
Jules, can you Google Maps to see
how long the journey is on the other end?
It shouldn't be longer than 20 minutes
depending on traffic
You've been to the author's house?
Yes! And I lived there
You lived with the author? When?
Well
Primarily when we were married
We're going to see your ex-wife?
And I would have told her
we were coming, I promise
But I'm yet to be convinced
by the need for a mobile telephone
Fucking kill me now, baby Jesus!
Not a happy little bear
Why was it, that he was a cat?
God knows
TV is full of stupids
Is this the room for bold boys?
"Dr Seamus Proctor
3:00 pm hearing"
- Hi
- Take a seat
Sorry to keep you
It's very busy out there in the practice
- Do you need tea or coffee or anything?
- Tea, please
Mine's just a milky one
- What?
- The refreshments are just behind you there
I'm sure you can help yourself
You know, I'm grand for tea
I'm just glad to be here
to clear all this up
Clear this up?
Clear what up?
Well, I'm not sure
This is my first disciplinary hearing
in my 17 years of practice in medicine, so
Your father was the local GP
in Drumban prior, is that right?
- He was, yeah
- Isn't that so nice?
Inheriting Daddy's practice
I still went to medical school
- Obviously
- Okay
It's not something you
just hand down like a watch
Yeah, where did you
acquire that nice watch?
My father gave it to me
Look, I am a very good doctor
Did your father have many
people calling the Health Board?
About him having
maybe gone a bit
One sec now
Cuckoo?
Who called saying that? Look
I thought this was just
like a box-ticking thing
Sorry, no offence, it's
It's the fact that I've had
some experience of alien abduction
that certainly has
no impact on my work
Credibility?
And grandiose delusions
Well, I'm not delusional
so stick that up your hole for a start
Not up your hole, sorry!
Like I should've
said pipe, maybe
Stick it up your pipe, is it?
PIPE?
Surely when an employee
discloses something
as significant as an historic abduction
you should believe him
You're on temporary leave
pending further investigation
The employee is
customarily given the final say
but unfortunately
we're just out of time
What, so that's it then?
You were late as well
do you remember?
I'm a good doctor
I'm a very good doctor
Fucking temporary leave?
I see she's painted
the front door again
How is Barry Battles doing?
Okay, I mean
lost his mother so, you know
Yep, gone like that
Which is why we should take
every opportunity to enjoy ourselves
Carpe diem, is it, Mam?
Well, I'd leave the Latin
to the accountants and the clergymen
But in Irish
we'd say, Tapaigh an deis
Take your chance
Hard to argue with that
To Barry's Mam
and my first dead body
Well, stick with medicine, Sonny
It certainly won't be your last
Tapaigh an deis
I really loved your book
She may as well have moved
into the library
When she was a researching it
the big swot
We're more than happy
to offer the premium Guild rate
I have the contract right here
You can either sign it on my phone
run it by your lawyer
Your call
Just work with me here
Is that figure in pounds or Euro?
Pounds, and I'm curious as to how
you came about writing Am I Celt
I've been obsessed wit the Celts
since I was Suri's age
Probably why I fell for this idiot
Well, I also had a motorcycle at the time
And I still have my job at the paper
The paper?
I had a weekly football column
called Whispering Wolves
in the Black Country Gazette
So you're a sports writer?
Football, not the Celts
Not even history
Well, not anymore
I'm a screenwriter now, making history
They fired Daddy
because of stupid cancel culture
Suri!
What did you do?
I was filmed kicking a dachshund
outside St. Paul's Cathedral
- People went bananas
- So wait
You were publicly
shamed for kicking a dog?
It was accidental, obviously
The kick, I was just swinging my foot
I thought it was autumnal leaves
such a short dog
CCTV is the devil
- Doctor
- Balakrishnan
Doctor Balakashkin
you have written a stunning account
And we would like to share it
In relation to the option agreement
is there a magic number in your head that
It's not just about
the money for me, Miss Patterson
Promises were made when I agreed
Jack could put his name on my book
- Promises?
- If your show makes it to the TV
- Where would we even watch it?
- Oh, for
Is this the flipping corner
console again, Fatima?
More bloody corner console chat?
Well, how can an author whose
book has been adapted for television
watch the show with her daughter?
Dad, we've been
watching TV like this
Like mice! It's insanity!
I can get a new TV stand, Fatima
We don't need one
that one's never been out of the box
despite being here
for eight months until today
Well, you could have
rested it on the box
Wait, are you saying if he builds
this TV stand, you'll sign the contract?
- No, well that
- And increase this offer by 20 percent
25, because you're pretty
Done
And I'm what?
I'm building furniture?
Suri, you are one smart cookie
Fatima, I am delighted
to be in business with you
You will hear from me very soon
These are screenwriting hands
These are not assembling hands
Start drilling, Jack
I'll be waiting for you in the car
I promise
What?
- Get on with it
- No, good, good
No, I've been meaning
to get around to it
Can I just say, I have never
met a samosa I didn't like
Yeah, this is when we drove off
May the Lord be kind to her, Barry
Thanks Rory
I'm sure he'll do his best
Mrs. Boner
Barry
- Decent turnout, Barry
- She'd be delighted with these numbers
She left instructions, of course
Hey, you know the way she'd be
She'll be well missed, Barry
A more honest woman
you would never meet
Thanks, Pubba
Yeah, she never saw the need
for lies did Mammy
Coward Cushions
she used to call them
Is it just me, or
Are her teeth particularly white?
I should bloody hope so
I was up half the night scrubbing
and polishing the gel off
- Off her teeth?
- She left three simple requests
Barry, listen carefully
One, leave on my wedding ring
as it simply doesn't feel
like you'll need it
Harsh, but fair
Two, bury me with that
purse I got in Mallorca
It's special to me
Ladies do love their bags
And three, please
give me proper bleached teeth
- Bleached teeth?
- Proper bleached teeth
She seemed very sure about that
Now you got me worried
I overdid it, are they too white?
I don't know
Was she a fan of the Bee Gees?
Shut up, you dopey cunt!
Mammy used to call me that
I'm sorry, Barry
- She looks grand
- No, you're right, I went too far
She looks like
Simon fricking Cowell
Why don't you just like
put her lips together a bit?
Close them
Most removals these days
don't include a smiling corpse
That's better, she was never
big into smile anyroad
Fake feathers
she used to call them
You have her
well turned out, Barry
Fair play to you
very pale, though, isn't she?
- Might be the death
- Well, yes
But when I think of Betty Battles
I always see that radiant glow and
- All that rouge
- Rouge?
Like blusher on her face?
Well, yes
didn't she like the peach cheek?
A proper peach cheek
and she was well known for it
Give me proper peach cheeks
Anyway
it's how I'll remember her
Well, at least
Saint Peter will see her coming
And from through the clouds
Who are we
to judge a fucking thing?
I'll just give you a quick weird hug
and I'll let you get on with it all
- Coolio, so Seamie, I'll see you later
- All right, Barry
Why did you sleep in his room?
Because they all
look the fucking same!
What? The men or the rooms?
I'm glad I ran into you
but not just because of the weed
Because this is
my last day in Drumban
Really?
You folk got all you need?
I think so
We're going to pick up some publicity
shots in Oldgrange later, then I'm off
I can't even imagine
leaving Drumban
It's easier than you think
You obviously never
felt comfortable in Drumban
I did actually once
So why has it taken
you over 20 years to come back?
I don't know
I guess I didn't want
to come back
I don't know
Like some sad stowaway
or something
- Damaged luggage returned
- Right
You wanted to come back with
a show and tow like Helen of Troy?
Yes, I actually fucking did
I'm sorry, but I wanted to come
back like Helen of cunting Troy
No need to apologize
not to me, anyway
I don't have to apologize
because I've done nothing wrong!
Apart from the whole wrong bed thing
Besides the wrap party and many
other mistakes that I have made!
Shit!
I think I'd better go
Are you coming?
No, I'm going to chill here
with Colonel Sanders for a wee minute
We can't all leave
Fucking hell!
Holy shit!
Fuck the bed
"Why is it moving around like that?"
The drone technician says it's due to
unanticipated weather conditions
Really?
They didn't anticipate that
winter in Ireland would be windy
Well, I'm on the last flight out of here
and I don't plan on missing it, so
I would love a hero shot that didn't
look like the POV of a drunken bird
Copy that
Are they with us?
"No, we don't have
any background today"
It's probably a hippy thing
Apparently, this place has
a Stonehenge vibe, a proper alt
It'll be a big draw
for the daydreamers and night dwellers
Night dwellers?
Yeah, your ghost lovers
your goths, your alien chasers
What the hell do the Celts
have to do with aliens?
You tell me
- Chin up, please
- Big Jim!
- Do you have a minute?
- Always for you, boss
Where's your baby?
Fuck! I've left the baby in the car!
Anyway, I see, the baby
hasn't been born yet, I'm just
- Rehearsing?
- Okay, listen
I've been hearing that some
press may have been given the news
about your wife's living arrangements
which clearly is not ideal
I may have spoken to a journal
about the prison thing
- Who'd you tell?
- It's a local gym magazine
for priests who work out
Muscle Mass, it's called
James, we're going to need
you to stop talking to journalists
For your own good
We've got a
A whole strategy
behind our publicity campaign
But he said he'd leave out the Sporking
stuff, if I just told him some of the storyline
Just don't talk to anyone
- Coolio?
- Coolio
R.I.P.
This show is your church now, okay?
That's a tough one for me, boss
You see, I grew up an altar boy
So you should know
how to shut the fuck up
- Just messing with you!
- Christ! Brutal and funny
Your Irish is coming back
- Can I get you anything, Seamie?
- No
She'll be missed
Betty was a tough woman, but
You knew where you were with her
It'll be a different town next week
with the film crew gone
- Back to normal
- I believe it's their last night
The film crew down in Oldgrange
apparently, all of them
Shelly, could I have you for a sec?
Is everything alright Barry?
Is there enough sandwiches?
Everything is fine just
Would you mind switching the music?
Sure can do
Any requests?
- No, just anything but the Bee Gees
- Got you!
Hey, I would've been absolutely lost
without this fella the last while, Seamie
Well nice to see him
make himself useful
"Where you going, Seamie?"
What, just get some air
- And you need the car for that?
- No
- I'm popping to Oldgrange
- "What are you fucking talking about?"
- Your friend's mother just died
- Barry won't even notice I'm gone
I'll be back before
the last pint's pulled
Here, I've been meaning to ask you
how did it go with the Medical Board?
Great
They temporarily
suspended my medical license
You're joking?
I hear Ibiza's very handsome
this time of year
Maybe your spaceship can fly us
Catherine
Are you embarrassed by me?
- Do you want me to be honest?
- Why start now?
Excuse me?
Don't you think I feel a bit
embarrassed watching my wife of 20 years
making eyes with some
sappy maths teacher every day?
- Making eyes?
- Making more than eyes, I'd say
Seamus, do you think
I'm having an affair?
No, I know for sure
Since when?
Close enough to the start, I'd say
You just smelled different
And one day, I realized that
it was cheap men's deodorant
- Why didn't say anything?
- I don't know
It was awful knowing
But you seemed happy
Which meant that
you weren't moving heaven and earth
to make me
miserable like you usually are
But it started to feel
like you wanted to get caught
It feels a bit cruel
Maybe I did
I'm sorry
Do you want a divorce?
- Look, I think it's important that we
- I'm sure we'll have further conversations
Catherine, but I'm going to have
to stick a pin in it for now
What? Because you have
to go chasing aliens?
Better than chasing maths teachers
That's something we share?
The thrill of the chase?
Fair play to you, Catherine
you never let the chair slow you down
What a fucking thing to say!
For you to say!
What, chair jokes?
When you're
the fucking reason I'm in it!
- Catherine
- Yeah, right, on you go
And do your fucking Mork
and Mindy routine
- You know, just be careful on the roads now
- Catherine
I just hope
you haven't been drinking this time
You know I wasn't drunk that night
All I know is that
I was unconscious
And the guard who
you played fucking football with
chose not to breathalyze you
And when I woke up
they gave me this
That's what I know
So drive safe now
Sorry, shall I go?
No, you're grand
Finish your drink
I just don't want any late comers
Fucking wrecked
And I have to bring
up next week's Guinness kegs
And nobody complimented
my fucking sandwiches
- I'm happy to do some lifting
- I ate six egg mayo alone
Big strong legs on me
I could fucking
kiss yous both right now
Just four more to go
and we're good
Hey there
Where are the TV people at?
The last of them left an hour ago
Fuck it!
- What are you folks doing?
- Waiting
What are you doing?
Well, on Monday
I was married and respected doctor
I'm not sure what I'm doing now
Right!
Thanks
Alright
Well, a promise is a promise
Sonny
Tapaigh an deis
Thanks for your help
He didn't do much
Now, you guys kiss
Well, then who knows
what might happen
No intimacy, only contempt
What?
Incredible! Jesus Christ!
- I didn't think I'd actually get yous to do it
- Wait, what?
I thought I might get yous
to like hold hands or some shit
but that was wonderful
sweet Jesus!
You! You minx!
"It was like Casablanca
there for a minute"
"Well, alright"
- Alright, Pubba
- I just got caught short
- Oh, yeah?
- I'm sure the druids won't mind
Welcome, everybody!
Great turn out this year
Bualadh bos
Play well
and we'll make contact, it's close
- "Ready yourselves"
- And
Better luck next year!
Well, this is me
Nice to meet you
Safe home
What are we missing?