Small Town, Big Story (2025) s01e06 Episode Script

1
"Ho, ro, the rattlin' bog"
- "The bog down in the valley-o"
- Right, come on
- You are officially legless
- "The branch on the tree"
- "And the tree in the hole"
- Watch your head
"And the hole in the bog
and the bog down to the valley-o"
- "No!"
- "One more, one more on the way"
"No!"
"With the branch on the tree"
"The tree in the hole
and the hole in the bog"
"And the bog down to the valley-o"
"Well, it's two minutes to midnight"
"You've been supporting
Western Workplace Reviews"
"Boston"
"Thank you
to our guests for sharing"
"Accessible"
I will use this stick
and others like it
To defend my crops
But first, we must whittle
Oh God!
This is not good
- "Whittle away, my villagers"
- Whittling?
Whittle away
for the winter is what's in windy
- Is this is the final cut?
- "Whittle away"
Halt! Who goes there?
I am Celt!
Is this the guy whose wife
is in prison for stabbing someone?
She sporked a banker
Had she just watched this show?
I think the music works
- Thank you, Josh
- Shame about the rest of it
Shut up, Josh!
- Chet might like it
- You're going to get fired
Lame of Thrones
- Good one, sir
- "This show is a mess"
- It's a mess
- Okay, so we'll make a few tweaks
- In subsequent seasons
- Seasons?
"You want to make people
watch more of this shit?"
"At one point, I booed"
- Yeah
- "You made me boo our own show, Wendy"
I did this with zero help
Brad undermined me throughout
- What?
- "Linda just went AWOL"
And Josh is practically blind
- "That's crossing a line now"
- What?
Josh is blind
"Don't be ridiculous!
He's not blind"
Yes, sir, I am blind
- "When did you get blind?"
- I've been blind since birth
- That's right
- The glasses are usually the giveaway
"You're a blind television executive?"
Our most talented division heads
got promoted after the merger, sir
- "And your division was?"
- Podcasts
"You're doing a great job"
So, I Am Celt will have
its world premiere in Ireland next week
- I cannot wait
- "Wendy"
"You go and introduce
this show in your homeland"
"Handle the press, we'll decide
what to do with you when you return"
Can anyone else hear a sitar?
"I got to go
It's too damn hot in this office"
Pack your bags, Wendy
Thank you, ladies
Seamie?
Seamie, are you awake there?
I have something for you
Don't drop eggs on me again, Barry
No, it came for you this morning
- Is it about your doctor's license?
- No
No, that's all sorted
I go back to work today
for better or worse
Well, I'll get these eggs on, so
Barry?
It seems I'm a single man again
Look at us, the bachelor boys!
"For the new stout taps"
Holy shit cakes!
Jesus! That's hot tea
He's back, like a migraine
You signed it, then?
I'm late for school, Seamie
and you could have texted that
My suspension's been lifted
so I'm back to work
Well, Sonny'll be thrilled
Not too sure about the patients, though
They all loved that Locum
Dr. Perky-tits
Well, I'm pleased
to be back myself
Well, you look like shit
Does it not agree with you
sleeping in a dead woman's bed?
She's not still
in it with me, Catherine
Well, between
the tales of alien abduction
and the offer to share
a deathbed up at the sheep farm
I'd say you're pretty much
the pussy magnet around town
Don't think I've ever
heard you say pussy before
If I'm honest
it seems a bit weird
So now my pussy is weird?
- I'm not saying your pussy is
- Stop saying pussy!
Please! Either of you
saying pussy is weird!
Joanne, thought you were inside
Nope, I'm right here
Haven't missed a word right up
until Mom's weird pussy!
- I do not have a weird pussy!
- Of course you don't
You have
- Just a typical pussy
- Fuck my life!
Hey, I'll catch you later, Jo-Jo
- I'm back at the surgery now, so
- Okay
What's keeping you?
- A typical pussy?
- I meant to say tropical
"Get in the car, Matt"
This is my first premiere
Cool!
I'm going to introduce
the first episode
Bow my head
and go and drink myself into oblivion
Got you!
Is the show not
everything you'd hoped for?
The caterers want
to take their name off the credits
The caterers
Could I pivot into real estate?
Yeah, the locum asked me
to put that up
She was a hard lady
to say no to
We'll leave it up
At least it covers that weird stain
that looks a bit like Bono
Yeah, that was my thinking too
Hey, it's good to be back, son
The Proctor doctors
together again?
Yeah, that's not what we are
Look, I know
life has been unusual lately
but the whole thing
it's really given me a lot of time to think
Which thing? The abduction
the suspension, or the separation?
I want to take you to my wing
like my own dad did with me
- I can't just play doctor, Dad
- Of course you can
Most things these days are sepsis
Look, there's no way around it
Finish your studies
and we'll be flying
Doctor and son
Proctor and Proctor
I'm not going
back to medical school
Of course you are! People drop out
of college and re-enroll all the time
I didn't drop out, okay?
They kicked me out
For cheating on a paper
I thought ChatGP
stood for General Practitioner Tips
- Did you really think that?
- No, Dad
I couldn't keep up
You got caught cheating?
At least I took after one of you
Sonny!
"The town is buzzing"
The committee's acting like
we're hosting the feckin' Olympics
- How have you been?
- Yeah, grand
It's been quiet enough without you
- How's your dad?
- Up and down
It's my mom's 10 year anniversary
soon and I think he's feeling it
Shall he promise me something
just in case I don't come back?
- Why wouldn't you come back?
- Don't rely on people
No? Not even my people?
I have it, I have it
There it is
Rely on yourself
And even then
keep your expectations low
"Wendy! I have Shirley
from Showbiz Weekly here"
Oh God!
- Miss Patterson?
- That's me
- Super cute!
- You're going to need supplies
In the pantheon of the Tudors
Vikings, Game of Thrones
another epic show shot in Ireland
where does I Am Celt sit?
It has really good music
Okay
And should audiences expect another Irish
entrant to the golden age of television?
The Bronze Age, maybe
I wonder if we should take advantage
of the local color we have with us here
That is a wonderful idea
I'm going to grab some fresh air
Have you found that I Am Celt
coming to film in your village
has led to an easing
of the Catholic-Protestant divide?
I was brought up Catholic
but I seen my mommy
use the holy water
to boil an egg once
I'm a Protestant, but sure
I've half forgotten what I'm protesting about
Now, that Science-tology
that seems very interesting to me
That is super fun, actually
Dad!
What the fuck are you at?
Dad, what were
you doing on the roof?
I was waiting
For them
Were you?
I can't believe
I'm actually going to say this
Dad, were you abducted by aliens?
Jesus! Fuck you were and all!
Well then why didn't you say anything?
- Who'd believe me?
- I would
I'm your daughter
When were you
Taken?
It was a few months
after your mother passed
I just haven't been the same since
- I thought you were just grieving
- Grieving?
What, for ten years?
About your mother?
Well, go on, then
What was it like up there?
Come on, tell me, Dad
It was absolutely glorious
Yeah
It's hard being back here after
So all this time
you've been up in your room
trying to figure out how
to go back with your alien friends
What about me?
You can come too, if you like
Who'd stock the soda tonic fridge?
You're an incredible girl, Shelly
I probably haven't
told you that enough
This will be the first time
I've got your text
What's the emergency?
I've just been missing
a little something
I'm always losing stuff
did you find it?
Look, I'm horny
You stupid
Sexy man
Come on, Matt
- We haven't done it in here in ages
- Yeah, for good reason
We don't need to be having
stressful sexy time anymore
- Stressful?
- Sneaking around terrified we'd get caught
Yeah, but isn't that part of the fun?
What's more fun
is making slow sweet love
in an actual bed
with your very untypical pussy
Why are you dressed in character?
- I thought that's what you did
- You're so funny!
"Perfect!"
I was wondering if you've had
any feedback about my hair?
- Your hair?
- Well, Brigit's hair
They like it on your head
I've asked around and it feels
like you're the lady in the know
Does production
have an official oil supplier?
- No, not an official one
- Yeah
Any word on a second series, boss?
Not yet, but we're going to learn
a lot more after the audience see it, yeah
They're nearly ready to go, Wendy
- Why won't they let us go
- You still good to introduce?
Yeah, just give me a second
I can't breathe
I take it the bingo's been cancelled
I hope you're not planning showbiz
premieres here every week now
- I absolutely am not
- "Five minutes to showtime"
"Ladies and gentlemen!"
I heard you're getting a divorce
Sorry about that!
Don't be
Thank you
It's not your fault anyway
I blame the aliens
I do that all the time
Relationships are tricky
It's hard to trust someone else
when you don't trust yourself
Seamie, tell him what happened
My visiting daughter seems to think
you were both abducted by aliens
Now what do you
think of that, young Proctor?
I don't know
what she's talking about
I think I've tried
to build a whole life around
trying to be a better man
than I was that night
It's getting late
I'd better be off
It's a pretty low bar
See you around, Wendy
Happy New Year!
You never
got married yourself, no?
I guess I never found
the right dress
- You staying around for long?
- No
No?
Well, you might be back next year
Isn't that what happens with the TV?
Yeah, sometimes, but with this show
I would be very surprised
More surprised than seeing
an alpaca on a space ship
- What did you say, Pubba?
- I've been tracking them
They like it here
Is that Betty Battle's purse?
It's nothing dodgy, trust me now
I nicked it out of her coffin, you see
- Sounds a bit dodgy
- If you come back to my place
I will show you
something pretty cool
That definitely sounds dodgy
They're feckin' back, lads
We're ready for you, Wendy
Lights are down
audience are half cut
I'm putting you in charge
Wait, you really
believe in me that much?
Sure!
I won't let you down
Sounds good
I'll be at the pub
Come, come
- How's everything at home?
- Great
Sister and baby are doing well
Wife gets out
of prison next week, so
That's exciting
Very
So, when you see her in person
you can tell her I'm pregnant?
I'm only joking!
You big dumb lug
- Hello?
- Hello?
Hello
When we looked for
a place to make this show
we knew we needed
somewhere really special
Somewhere
with character, heart, parking
Broadband
not too many electricity poles
That was a big one
Boring!
Point being
we found all that
and more in Drumban
We may have made
the show, but you
You made it special
It might be called I Am Celt
But truly, we all am
We
We am all Celt
No!
- We
- Is all Celt
It's starting, it's starting
Alright, enjoy the show!
Please
- Yeah, it's not dodgy at all
- Thank you
This is what I've been working on
- What's with all the marks?
- Dead birds
Electrical interference, sightings
Where were you taken?
In the woods, around here
What were you doing there?
- Teenage stuff
- Yeah
Any details could be important
Well, I was approaching second base
Attempting, not approaching
But I think that's moot
Unless we think there's some
sort of space perverts or something
I don't know what they are
Wait a minute
Do you see what's
in the middle of all this?
Do you have a pen?
There
There
There, my home
They're circling my home
Why would they do that?
Something tells me
they're coming back
and that something
is glowing like a bastard
I have to warn my wife
- Ex-wife
- Right, that's right
I'll grab my tin whistle
The skies are mocking me
It's cloudy
Even the clouds mock An Dagda
Mock me not! Fluff beasts!
At least they're not booing
I am
Celt!
Is it supposed to be funny?
- I think it's genre fluid
- Where's Miss Patterson?
She may have
mentioned needing a drink
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool, cool
I just think I've overdone it
on the protein shakes
Right, okay
Shelly?
I was hoping to talk
to you about something cool
Tell me you fixed
the soda tonic fridge in the shed
I got something
a bit better than tonic water
And it's been
bottled up a lot longer
- Lilt?
- Lilt?
Who drinks lilt? No, I mean
feelings is the thing I have
- What are you talking about?
- Look..
I know this is coming out
of nowhere, Shell, but
You're the real reason
that I haven't left Drumban
Because I have
Feelings for you
Well, yeah
- You knew?
- How could I not know?
Jesus! Sonny
you're not exactly subtle
Once you wrote Love me
in your leftover chips
What? Did I?
Did that work?
Has anyone seen Miss Patterson?
I need to ask her about the show
She left with my dad
And her dad
She left with all her dads
Hey, why didn't you
tell me my dad left?
Because I was building up
to telling you that I loved you
Well, that could have
fucking waited
Any idea where they went?
And also, what crisps do you have?
- They're going to my house
- Do you have crisps there?
Look, Sonny, the way I see it
you have two options
Either you move on and find someone
your own age who's actually interested
or you hang around
wait until I give in
and we eventually get married
because we've no other options
So you're saying
to just wait for a decade or so?
Sure
Because I can totally do that
Sure, hanging around
is basically my thing
Look, you're in charge
of the pub, right?
Well, now that's commitment
Any peanuts, or?
No? Fuck it!
I'll wait!
How does a bar work, then?
Here, Catherine!
You have to get inside
What's this?
The three feckin' amigos' reunion?
Seriously, it's not safe out here
Don't you fucking bear push me
Mrs. Proctor, I have been studying
these beings for a long time
They are coming back
I see you've recruited a local ghost
to your psychic circle
Jesus! Seamie
not more of this alien crap
I am begging you
please come inside
What's she doing here?
They took me too, Catherine
And me
The night that
you had your accident
The aliens, is it?
They're back?
Fuck, they're here
What the hell is that?
"About fucking time"
What? You weren't taking the piss?
- Fuck!
- Jesus Christ!
- My God! My legs
- Let her go, you bastards!
- Seamie?
- Pubba, put your fucking whistle away!
- Seamie!
- Let her go!
Mother of Zeus!
I am Celt!
Jesus! Who the fuck are you?
- Not her! Me!
- God! Fucking save us
She doesn't want to go!
Do me!
- Dad!
- Take me!
- What are you at?
- Take me!
Come on! The fuck!
- Wait!
- It's okay
Let's get inside, come on
- "Have you got the key?"
- Come back!
"Come on, Dad!"
That was a space ship
- Jesus Christ!
- Are you okay?
- "It was a fucking spaceship"
- My legs
I held back a fucking space ship
- I'm going back out
- No, you are staying on planet Earth
- Whether you like it or not
- "So this is real?"
- This is a thing?
- Yeah, this is a whole ordeal
And they were here
the night of the accident?
That's why I crashed the car
Why didn't you tell her that?
Because then I'd have
to tell her everything
So you'd rather I hate you
than risk telling me the truth?
You hated me?
Going great here
Lots and lots of laughs
What?
I feel bad now
for all the shitty things I did
Consider yourself forgiven
I gave Matt a hand job
in your waiting room once
When he had a verruca, well, I mean
I tried to but he couldn't get hard
- Why are you telling me this?
- I don't know, It just feels good to confess
Not to fucking me!
Why do they keep coming here?
- What do they want?
- I don't know
But maybe it's to do with the magnet
mine or the Alabaster Hills
They're like a big fucking arrow
saying land here
We were chosen
Whoopdy-fuckin'-doo!
What the fuck?
- "What the fuck is that?"
- "An alien"
Is it just me?
Or does that alien look exactly like
An Dobhar Chu
Avenge my flock, An Dagda!
I Am Celt!
That wasn't in the script
Improv
- "Jesus!"
- I'm not crazy, right?
It's the spit of an Dobhar Chu
What the fuck do aliens
have to do with Celts?
Oh, Jesus!
What the hell are you doing?
Dad!
"It's okay
Come on, come on"
Greetings
I am Pubba McGoldrick
of the Earth
- "We come in peace"
- Get out of here, you mongrel!
Oh shit!
Fucking space blood!
What did you do?
I think it was playing fetch!
- Is it dead?
- Well, he's not very well
You're welcome
Mad mucker number two!
That's me! There I am!
Did you see my
boggy back field?
Beautiful, wasn't it?
I was hoping the petrol station
might get featured, but
Sure I suppose
there's timeline issues
What's the verdict, folks?
- You like it?
- We loved it
- Bona fide triumph
- Comedy gold
- "I think it's dying"
- Should we
Try and save it?
You're the doctor, do something!
Hey, If someone wants to give the thing
mouth to mouth, I won't stop them
I'm not giving it mouth to mouth
Look at its bollocks there!
- It's not even a human
- Yeah, but all the same
I wouldn't be giving mouth to mouth
to a male dog even
But I'd catch you giving
mouth to mouth to a female dog
Yeah, I did, and it worked
And I'd do it again, gladly
Oh, crap!
I have to take this
Yeah, work away
All quiet here
- "Chet, hi!"
- "Busy?"
- "No! No, of course"
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Go!
- Jesus!
"No"
- Christ! I'm going to puke
- You're not helping, Shelly
We were trying to walk that line
mystorical drama-dy
Must have been on your end
Can I get a Long Island ice tea?
Sure thing
Let me just get the kettle on
- Excuse me, hello?
- "Romance"
bloodshed, pratfalls
what's not to love?
- It's a hell of a combo, alright
- Next season
I can get you proper blood, though
as much as you like
- That's generous
- Well, it won't be free
But you won't find it cheaper
I liked the bit where the Dagda
was making eyes at his mommy
That didn't make sense
Why was he getting
off with his own mother?
He's the God of agriculture, Keith
As any farmer will tell you
it can be a very lonely life, so it can
Sorry
- Sorry
- Need a little pick me up?
- Okay
- It won't kill you, like
Look, by the power vested in me
I now I pronounced this fucking thing dead
Oh my God! Has anyone got a mint?
I'm sorry, I'm literally
chewing on my last one
So what are we
going to do with this thing?
This is first contact
the most momentous event in history
We need to tell the world
We're not calling anyone
until we've discussed our options
- Who made you boss?
- She's my boss
I think Pubba's right
I think we should have a vote
- Thank you
- Can I abstain?
Out of respect for this weird
innocent dog thing
I vote we throw
the fucker in the lake
If we tell anyone, the government is going
to put a big fence around this whole town
And do weird secret tests on us
while soldiers with guns and gas masks
keep us from going anywhere
Trust me, I live in America
- She does
- Plus, if we want any hope
Of a second season of I Am Celt
it is probably in all of our interests
- To stop Drumban from turning into Area 51
- Can I own abstain?
- No
- Can we vote on that?
- No!
- Fuck!
All those in favor of showing
this thing to the world, hands up
All those in favor of dumping
this creature in the lake
I mean you can fucking do it
You know, I went
to Oldgrange looking for you
The last time I was here?
- Why?
- I don't know
I suppose it crossed my mind that
we might make each other happy
Thanks
- Well, this is as good a place as any
- Yeah
- What are they gabbing about?
- The show getting renewed, probably
Come on, baby, glow for me
Are you ready?
On three, one, two, three
Oh shit!
Seamus? You gobshite!
Just
- Just sit down, shut the fuck up
- Fine
I lob you two and be back home
to ride me Ma before tea
What would you say that is?
That's no bird
Plot feckin' twist!
- Oh hey, Pubba
- Good man
Right, Let the inaugural meeting
of the committee
"to bring aliens
to Drumban commence"