SMILF (2017) s02e06 Episode Script

1 [DOOR OPENING.]
- [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- - [ FUNKY MUSIC .]
- - [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- - [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- - [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- Oh, did you pee the bed last night? No.
- [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- - [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- - [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- - [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- Tuck it under.
Tuck it under, Mommy.
- [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- What's it start with? What's it start with? - [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- B! [LAUGHS.]
I need new Legos.
- [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- - [CASH REGISTER DINGING.]
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Night-night.
- Night-night.
- [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- "And make them into crowns and play King of the Forest.
" [LAUGHS.]
- [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- [SIGHS.]
No real surprises here.
Junior account executive requires a lot of client management.
Well, I'm a great communicator.
How do you communicate? Well, you know, I've been a tutor for teenagers for the past five years.
- Ugh.
Gross.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, I just feel like if I can get a teenage boy to write an essay on slavery's destruction of identity in Toni Morrison's Beloved, - I can pretty much get anyone - [GASPS.]
Stop! [GASPS.]
OMG! Love I love Beloved! I love Beloved! [BOTH LAUGHING.]
So well written.
And Toni Morrison, holy frijoles, he is my jam.
Yeah, she's really good.
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Wow.
Cool.
[LAUGHS.]
- Great.
Ooh.
So you have a child, right? Mm-hmm.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Hmm.
[SUCKING LIPS.]
Hmm.
Really nice office.
Oh, thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm gonna be honest with you.
You don't want this job.
It's a lot of nights and weekends.
- You'll probably never see your kid.
- Okay.
[ BIG BLACK DELTA'S "MONEY RAIN DOWN" PLAYING .]
Okay, great.
I have another meeting, so you're gonna have to get - Oh.
- Oh, but thank you so much.
Thank you.
It was really nice to meet you.
It must be heaven I must be a fool Wake up tomorrow So sorry you didn't get the ad job, honey.
Have you thought about real estate? [TUTU.]
Oh, God, Jackie.
You want everyone to be you.
I wish I was her.
I do.
I wish I was you.
- Oh, I wish I was you.
- I really wish I was you.
- No, I wish I was you.
- I wish I was you.
I don't really wish I was you.
No, I get it.
I don't really wanna be me either.
[JACKIE.]
But you're really good at this.
Like, do some more.
[BRIDGE.]
Okay, let me give you another one.
Ready? Guinness: Tastes better than your sadness.
- That's so good.
- Hold on.
I have a better one.
Guinness: Drown your sorrows in a bottle of Guinness.
That wasn't better.
That was just louder.
Jack, could you please get me a beer? No.
What do you mean, no? I'm sick of doing shit for you, and I'm not gonna do it.
You don't ever do anything for me.
No, 'cause you're always bossing me around, like you always have, like you have my whole life.
And you know what else? I cannot believe that you did not give me the listing for this house.
I cannot believe that you What the hell are you talking about? Jesus Christ, Jackie.
I gotta hear from some chump realtor that my own sister's selling her fucking house? - That's not right.
- [TUTU.]
I am not selling my house.
- Really? - Yes, that That's why they're calling me? Jackie, why are you so insecure? - I'm not insecure.
- [TUTU.]
You are.
You are insecure.
If I had a house to sell, of course I would give it to you.
Has anyone talked to Joe Junior about this? I think Junior's trying to sell the house.
Are you fucking kidding me? I wish I was.
And you didn't call me and tell me? What the fuck? I'm telling you right now.
I thought we thought you were in on it.
- How you gonna take - Give me a sip.
- I got this off that - Why the hell didn't you - shit loser realtor - Why the hell didn't you call me? She just said she thought you knew.
[TUTU.]
I'm not in on it, Jackie.
That goddamn Joe is trying to fuck me over.
[JACKIE.]
Well, that's true.
I won't stand for it.
You know what I'll do? I will burn down this fucking house before letting him get away with that.
Hey, Mom, you know if you go outside and you hug a tree for five minutes a day, it's like taking an antidepressant? You know what you need to do that would help you a little bit feel better and everything in your life? Get a fucking job.
You need 24 hours hugging that tree.
- Mm.
- You need to lay off her.
You gotta lay off her.
You're gonna have to talk to him.
What do you wanna do? [TUTU.]
Listen, I'm not gonna talk - Go to the beach.
- Go to the beach? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay, come on.
Come on.
You want to be part of the decision-making? You're gonna have to do something like talk to him.
Be reasonable.
Make him dinner.
- Make him dinner? - Yeah.
That's what you think's gonna help? Make him dinner, like that thing you do.
[TUTU.]
Yeah, hey, I thought you were staying for supper.
No, I gotta go to 7-Eleven, get a fucking job.
That's very funny, Bridgette.
Hey, hey, hey, remember, it tastes better than sadness.
- Bye, Jack.
- It does.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Go get us a couple of cold ones, will you? Jesus, now I'm doing what you say to do.
[ MELLOW MUSIC .]
Oh, look.
Our French fries.
The waiter put them out here for us.
How nice.
Come on, let's go to the beach.
Sit on the water.
[LAUGHING.]
Come on.
- [LARRY.]
This is fun.
- One, two, three.
- Ooh.
- Up.
[WAVES LAPPING.]
[SEAGULLS CAWING.]
Fries are good.
So I'm gonna probably have to start working full-time.
I know.
So I'm not gonna be around as much.
I know we don't have any more money.
Well, we're gonna have money.
Soon as someone hires me.
What do you wanna buy with the money? A pony? Yeah, I want a pony.
Me too.
A rainbow pony.
[ WARGIRL'S "SASS GIRL" PLAYING .]
I've been bad, I've been good I've been doing what I should People shout out loud, can you hear our anthem People say it proud And we don't stop, and we don't stop - And we don't stop, and we don't stop - - Boy go creeping through my hood - I ain't doing what I should You are not the boss, applesauce [LARRY.]
Hey, Mom.
Shh.
Sweet dreams.
And we don't stop, and we don't stop Now we say The world is out to get me Said don't take our voice away [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
You didn't write down your social security number.
Oh, really? Oh, I must where do I do it? Oh.
You you do have a social security number? Oh, yeah.
No, I do.
- Okay.
- Question.
Uh, do you have a social security number? - I do.
- What's yours? Yeah, that's something that I would prefer to keep private.
Sometimes I don't remember if it's a six or a nine.
Easy mistake.
It it does have to be accurate.
Okay.
There you go.
Okay.
Actually, you know what? I think it's I think it's a nine.
Yeah, it's definitely a nine.
Okay, all set.
Mm-hmm, all right.
Can't believe I'm here.
You know, just that it's come to this.
This is really for real poor people.
Not like you know what I mean.
Yeah, well, you certainly qualify.
I know, but, you know, I'm college educated, for the most part.
Some people would say I'm pretty, but, you know Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
That's inappropriate.
[LAUGHS.]
Look, you all feel that way.
So just be grateful, okay? I can do that.
This is an EBT card.
You can use that at most grocery stores or 7-Elevens.
This government is so cool.
Yep.
Free money, free money, free money! Whoo-hoo! Whoo, whoo! - [SQUEALS.]
- [RAFI.]
Oink, oink! Twinkle, twinkle, little star Larry, you got a good voice, buddy.
- You hungry? - Mm-mm.
Did Mama give you food? Did you eat already? - I ate some cookies.
- You ate some cookies? Mama gave me French fries off the table.
Hello, Larry.
When did you get here? - Hi.
- Hey, babe.
Oh, is my hair disgusting? It feels so gross.
I look insane, stupid broken shower.
[CHUCKLES.]
Here, eat some.
No, oh, thank you, but today is my non-eating day.
You have a busy day today, babe? Yeah.
But I wish I could hang out with you guys.
You got a good dad there, Larry.
Making you breakfast.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
My dad used to take me to Bunnings for the free sausage sizzle.
Bunnings is a warehouse.
What are you doing today? Oh, um, private session.
I got a new client.
Babe, that's amazing! - I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
All right, I gotta run.
Bye.
Bye, babe.
Love you.
- Bye.
- Oh, fuck, shit.
- I mean - Earmuffs.
trucks and sheeps.
I forgot the, um the plumber's coming today to fix the shower and I'm not gonna be here.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Um, yeah.
Uh, I'll be here.
Even though you've got that session and all those Oh, you've got those errands to run.
- I got it, yeah.
- Thank you.
Okay, well, uh, Jim says to use the corporate card for the dry cleaners.
- But get a receipt.
- All right.
And then this is for Bed Bath & Beyond for the sheets, and then here's, um, a 20 for No, no, baby, I got cash.
- No, thank you so much.
- Babe, I got ca No, no.
Oh, and my checkbook's in the drawer for the plumber.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Yay, I get to shower tonight.
[ BRIGHT MUSIC .]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Did you eat all of the sausage? I knew it was delicious.
[KISSES.]
You wanna go see Auntie Itsy? [VOCALIST SINGING IN SPANISH.]
[TUTU.]
Oh, Joe Junior, please don't throw me out of my house.
I'm broke and alone.
I'm just a silly woman.
Please, what will I do? You're such a good actress.
You should have been an actress.
That was convincing.
Well, you know, never underestimate the power of a guilty conscience.
Jesus taught us that.
There you go.
Bridgette, did you get a credit card? Uh, it's better.
It's an EBT card.
Food stamps? - Yeah, food stamps.
- Bridgette, come on, now.
What are you, a welfare queen? Yeah, maybe I am.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
I step in the place, what's popping All of the gold and the jewels I'm copping You know my crew rolling deep All right, who's next? - [MAN.]
Bridgette Bird.
- That's me.
Jealous 'cause I run all of this My arm and my wrist My queen.
Welfare queen, that is.
Absolutely.
Mothering is the most important job, and the U.
S.
government is happy to recognize it as labor.
Thank you.
Check for $50,000.
$50,000? And this hopefully will cover any walking-around money.
Wow, just for being a mom? Just for being a mom.
Seven days a week, 24 hours a day, no weekends, no vacations.
- To the moms! - [WOMEN.]
To the moms! It's just to help me get back on my feet.
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
I thought Trump was supposed to get rid of all these handouts.
Ma'am, you have a balance for 285.
- What? Wait - You have a balance for 285.
- No, I gave you the card.
- No, EBT pay only food.
Most of the item that you have over here is not covered.
What? Like what? Tampon.
Napkin.
Plastic wrap.
Hold this for me.
The vitamin.
Nothing on that.
- What does this cover, then? - They only Only veggie, oatmeal, seed seed.
What are seed seeds? It's a small seed.
You put it under the ground and they'll grow up and you can eat that.
Only the thing that not covered with the food stamps, you have to pay cash.
- Can you just cover me? - No.
[WOMAN.]
I can take it out the items not covered.
No, no, wait.
Just It's okay.
You're just Just pay for it, Mom.
I will pay you back.
Look, this is not my fault, okay? - Whose fault is it? - I mean, it's probably Hey, Bridge.
Bridge, Bridge, Bridge.
How much money do you need, honey? Listen, do not get involved here, Jackie.
She doesn't need any more handouts.
- Mom, you're making a scene.
- [TUTU.]
No, hey, give me.
Don't you touch my bag! I will pay for the stuff for Larry, but that's it! Only Larry's stuff? 'Cause he's just a baby.
It's not his fault that you're on food stamps.
Um, can you just, uh, save all this stuff for me? I can't.
I have to put everything back.
No, just put it in a bag, and I'll be back later.
Isn't that just like you, Bridgette? - Make everyone else clean up your mess.
- Put it back.
Just put it back.
You are a fucking terrible mother! Could you void that, please? - [WOMAN.]
Yeah, but it's - Coll, Coll, Coll.
[TUTU.]
I'm not making a scene.
We're not making a scene, Jackie.
- I can pay for it.
- Stop, okay? No, Jackie.
You don't understand.
Help me.
Last week, I was at Lake Cochituate with Letty, swimming, and a big-ass trout following me.
[LAUGHS.]
You're lying, bro.
I went right, it went right.
It was on my ass, yo.
Were you high? No.
Can you open this? I even got out the lake to try to lose it so it could follow Letty, and it waited in there for me.
- Mm.
- Looking at me with its beady little eyes.
And now you're vegan? Craziest experience of my life.
Let me ask you a question.
Is Letty vegan? - Yeah.
- That's why you vegan! Negative.
I had a spiritual experience with a fish! I'm not trying to hear all that, man.
Yo, call your sister, man.
I ain't got all fucking day.
I've been texting her, bro.
Man, her gym equipment hookup better come through.
Should have went to the store like law-abiding citizens.
No, we couldn't do that, could we? Look, I gotta get back to the condo, let the plumber in.
I gotta go pick up Nelly's dry cleaning.
I got shit to do too, man.
- Aww.
- What? She pay you extra to do the dishes too, you pendejo? [LAUGHS.]
I get tips, all right? - Mexican maid.
- Puerto Rican maid, bro.
[ITSY.]
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay.
Look who's got your gloves.
- Where you been? - [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
I've been waiting for you for, like, an hour and a half.
How about you thank me? Look at them.
- [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
- Whoo! That's what's up.
That's dope.
Look.
She got the pink one and all that.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[RAFI.]
What you know about that? [MAN.]
Leather gloves? For real, Itsy? Yes, leather, for real, Carlos.
What? You know how many of them animals are skinned each year for that leather? Oh, my God.
We're in school now.
No, teach us.
How many animals are skinned? Here we go.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
What? Oh, and look at that.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
A vegan smoking cigarettes.
That that's cute.
That's real makes total sense to me, man.
- How's your girlfriend Butchie? - [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
And I'm not a [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Her name is fucking Abigail, and she Irish, and she got an accent, and she got red hair.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
- Yeah.
- Who got who got red hair? - New girl, Abigail.
- New girl? Uh-huh.
Damn, she get more girls than me.
- Run in the family.
- What you want me to say? [ UPBEAT MUSIC .]
You want to make some tea? Okay.
Green tea.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- [NELSON.]
Hello, hello, hello, my little nuclear family.
Hey, babe.
How was your day? Oh, it was good.
Oh, look at all this.
Oh, uh, I missed the plumber.
Fuck.
But, babe, you told me you could do it.
Yeah, babe, I didn't know getting all this stuff was gonna take so long.
Right, but I can't keep going to the gym to shower, you know.
I have to look a certain way for work, and it makes my hair all frizzy.
Yeah, but this is for my work.
Right, no, I know.
I didn't realize you'd been saving all this money.
So what? Well, so you never offered to help with any of the bills or anything.
You never asked me to help with any of the bills.
Mm.
Yes.
So I'm just working over 60 hours a week to pay off the mortgage? You wanted this condo.
Right, it's my money.
And this is my money.
But it's not really, is it? No.
Mm.
Because I'm covering for everything else.
I mean, I have to pay for Larry's food now too.
You want me to pay for the fucking breakfast? What the fuck? Huh? I'm I'm starting this so that I can, like, really have something going for myself.
This could be real.
Sure, right.
I know.
- You know what the problem is? - What? You never support me.
All right? You got me running around like a fucking errand boy.
And the second I get something going, you wanna start complaining.
That is so unfair.
All I do is support you.
I It's just it's a lot of pressure on me.
- Pressure? - Yes, pressure.
I put pressure on you? - Yes.
- How about this? How about we take the pressure off of you and we leave? - Fantastic.
- Is that what you want? Yeah, can you take this stuff with you, please? [ DRAMATIC MUSIC .]
[LARRY.]
I wanna go see Mommy! [DOOR CLOSES.]
[RAFI.]
I just don't know if we're right for each other, you know? [BRIDGE.]
Come on.
She treats me like I'm a fucking Mexican maid or something.
Okay, so she's paying your bills and paying for the condo and paying for Larry's food, and you're complaining while I'm over here on food stamps.
You are? Yeah, well, for one day.
It's been very rough.
And you can't even buy food on food stamps.
You can just buy seed seeds.
What the fuck is a seed seed? I liked it better when I didn't know I was poor.
- You know? - Yeah.
It's like being punished for a crime you didn't even commit.
I just hope it doesn't affect Larry.
It won't.
I was on food stamps my entire fourth grade year.
And the only thing I remember is my mom buying me these Jordans that I really wanted.
She was like my superhero.
And look at you now.
Living in a condo in the south end.
- It's her condo, first of all.
- I know.
I'm just saying that I wish that she would believe in me more.
- Like - She does believe in you.
Rafi, you gotta trust me on this.
You're doing your thing, that, like, self-sabotage thing, okay? Where you, like, wanna mess everything up 'cause you're hurt or something.
Like, little boy's hurt or whatever fucking bullshit.
I'm just gonna be real with you.
When we were together, I was always like, "Be a man and grow the fuck up, you loser.
" And it made you crazy and insane and do lots of drugs and feel misunderstood.
And with her, she's all like, "Oh, my God.
My little puppy.
Oh, you're so handsome and big and strong, and let me support you and love you.
And you're such a good dad, and you're my hero.
" Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Aussie dumb bullshit, blah, blah, blah.
It's true.
You guys are perfect for each other.
You're so fucked up.
Little bitch.
All right, I gotta go inside.
I gotta return these keys.
I hope the kids aren't in there.
[GROANS.]
It's gonna add shame to my already shameful day.
[LARRY.]
Mama, I'm hungry.
Okay.
We'll go to McDonald's after.
Ugh.
I'm the worst.
- I'll be back.
- All right.
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
[SIGHS.]
Hello? Just dropping off the key.
Ally? [ CAYETANA'S "SCOTT GET THE VAN, I'M MOVING" PLAYING .]
Hardest part of moving out, moving out Can I help you with something? Huh? Can I help you with something? No, no, I don't I don't need any help.
- Thanks.
- You sure? I'm good.
I don't need any help, man.
Hardest part of breaking my fall, breaking my fall Breaking my fall is I said I don't need help, brother.
All right? - Okay, uh - What the fuck, man? Do I look like I fucking need help? Do I look like I fucking need help? No, no, no, no, no.
No, we're good.
We're good.
Separate boxes fill the car Hardest part of moving out, moving out, moving out Is I remember moving in I remember moving in Hardest part of moving out, moving out, moving out Is I remember moving in I remember moving in [TUTU.]
Shall we say grace? Okay.
Okay, well, you're the man.
You do it.
Oh, okay.
Dear Lord, thank you for this food, and, um, thank you for Tutu, who so beautifully prepared this meal.
- And, uh - Thank you, Lord, for this house, this home, and all the memories that live within it.
And please guide us, Lord, as we have some big decisions to make in the next coming days.
And please guide those in positions of power.
Amen.
Amen.
You know, your dad was one hell of a companion.
I mean, I can't tell you how much I miss him.
Every day, I feel him here in this house and these walls.
I really do.
Feel him in the couch? [LAUGHS.]
That's funny, Joe.
Listen, he would be so happy right now to know that we're having dinner.
[GROANS.]
I'm selling the house.
Oh.
I'm sorry, I just Oh.
- Michelle got laid off.
- That so? Yeah, and, you know, we got kids, - Tutu, little kids.
- Mm.
Except for Shawn.
He's going to college next year.
- Yeah, that's right.
- So he's big.
I understand that.
A lot of things to think about.
Have you thought about this? - This is my home.
- No, this is my dad's home.
That you are living in.
Your father killed himself.
Yeah.
Took all the meds that he had and he drowned in a bowl of soup.
Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't I tell you that? Well, I was doing something called protecting.
I was trying to protect you.
Something that you know nothing about, quite obviously.
And here I made you my beautiful chicken dinner, Joe.
My chicken dinner.
Get out of my house.
What the fuck? You're fucking crazy.
You get out of my house! Fuck you.
This is my fucking house.
And I'm taking my fucking jacket.
Well, good! Take it! I'm sick of seeing your face! No wonder he fucking killed himself.
Oh, goddamn you, Joe Junior! Don't come back! Oh, God.
[SIGHS.]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
[CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Hey.
[RAFI.]
Hey.
Hi.
[RAFI.]
You still pissed at me? No, I'm not pissed at you.
[RAFI.]
You promise? Can you just come home? [RAFI.]
I'm in the living room.
I didn't wanna come up if you were still mad.
What - Plumber's coming tomorrow.
- [LAUGHS.]
But I'll wash your hair tonight if you want.
[CHUCKLES.]
[WATER RUNNING.]
Mm.
I think today was my fault.
You know, I suggested that you move in with me, and I don't wanna push you away.
I mean, I love you.
Baby, you're not gonna push me away.
Well, I did today.
- I wanna be with you forever.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You know, I wanna wash your hair forever.
[LAUGHS.]
I wanna marry you.
[CHORTLES.]
What? - I want us to get married.
- Shut up.
Baby, won't you lay, lay down We should get married, right? Let's watch this water boil Let the others run around Just this once I wanna take care of you.
I I wanna be here for you.
I'll never leave you like that again.
I want us to get married.
Lay down with me a moment [GIGGLES.]
Let me - I love you.
- I love you.
Let me ease your worried mind I fucking love you.
- You wanna marry me? - I do.
Hmm.
Lay down and drift a moment Let's not waste I'm gonna be a wife.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah? Baby, won't you lay down Wedding in Puerto Rico? - Puerto Rican wedding? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- That's what you want? All right.
- Yeah.
I wanna be a wife.
[MOANS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
What are you doing here? [SIGHS.]
I don't know.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You know, I cannot believe, Bridgette, I'm gonna be 64 years old and homeless.
Well, I'm on food stamps.
And I stole from Ally.
[SIGHS.]
Well, honey, you know, she'll probably never notice, but don't do it again.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Got a real nice watch, though.
- Hmm? - Mm.
- Bridgie.
- And some saltine crackers.
Listen, Bridgie, food is one thing.
Don't start stealing watches.
That's a one-way to the wrong way, right? - Mm.
- Just don't do it again.
- Mom.
- What? You should have just married Joe.
Sweetheart, you know I couldn't get married again.
It's not in me, you know.
- Yeah, but come on.
- No.
But what I should have done was have my name on that deed.
Fuck.
[SIGHS.]
Should we just I don't know rent a time machine? [LAUGHS.]
Do a do a little do-over? Yeah, Back to the Future again, maybe.
What, Mom? What are we gonna do? How about we make a bet? - A bet? - Yeah, you and me.
What kind of bet? - One year from now - Mm-hmm.
- one year - Mm-hmm.
you'll have a job that you love, a career-making job that you're great at.
And until then, you take any job you can get.
- And in one year - Yeah? you own a house.
[BOTH SPIT.]
You can't resist, can you? You just gotta - Oh! - Mm! That's a clam on a half shell right there.
- Get it in there.
- I love you, kid.
But you never stop.
Look at how nice I made the skin there.
Perfect.
Dream a dream with me And it will come true Anything you like to see Dream a dream with me