SMILF (2017) s02e07 Episode Script

Smile More if Lying Fails

1 [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] - [MAN] Here you go.
- [ELIZA] Thanks.
[PERSON COUGHING] [CLEARS THROAT] "When we came here for the first time in our lives, stood among people who seem to understand, the sense of belonging was tremendously exciting.
We thought the ice " "isolation problem" "had been solved.
" [SNIFFLES] "But as soon" [CLEARS THROAT, SNIFFLES] [VOICE CRACKING] "We still" [ELIZA] What am I doing here? Stupid fucking Overeaters Anonymous.
[BREATHING HEAVILY] Why can't I read? My voice sounds strange.
It's like it's not even mine.
"listened to someone" What am I doing here in this stupid meeting, and why am I scared to talk? I shouldn't be scared of these people.
Oh, just breathe, Eliza.
What's wrong with me? It's time to talk now.
It reminds me to put the program first.
[BREATHES SHAKILY] [JAZZY MUSIC] [BRIDGE] We can't just sit here in silence.
We're not leaving here till you talk about it.
[ELIZA] I don't wanna talk about it.
[BRIDGE] I'll order another pizza.
Just talk to me.
What's up? - [SWALLOWS] - Lize, we're not leaving until you tell me what's going on.
I had a panic attack, okay? - In the middle of the meeting? - Yes.
Why? It's supposed to be a safe space.
Yeah, it's weird.
I haven't had one since my dad sent me to NASA Space Camp.
You went to Space Camp? My dad was convinced I was gonna be the first black female astronaut.
Oh, my God.
Imagine Eliza in space.
I really hate it when people expect shit from me.
- She's flying around space.
- Are you listening to me? - You should've done it.
- This is about the MCATs.
- The test? - Yes, the test! Oh.
Well, then just don't take it.
- So just start over? - Why not? Look at me.
I haven't even started yet.
- Bridge.
- What? I'm gonna be a doctor.
Maybe it's the wrong decision.
I'm gonna be a doctor.
[MUMBLING] I'm going to medical school.
Oh, thank you.
Don't even.
Don't even look at it.
- Say thank you.
- Thank you.
Listen to this.
"If you want to do something about your kid's hair, I braid at Maribel's Salon.
" [LAUGHS] Damn.
What's wrong with my kid's hair? No comment.
You like your hair? - No.
- [SNICKERS] Where's Maribel's? Who's Johanny? - [SOBBING] - [BRIDGE] It's okay.
Maybe you're braiding too tight.
No, he's just tender-headed.
He's fine.
Could you do a little looser braid? [SIGHS] Mira mmm.
Mmm, here you go.
Like a French braid, maybe? [SPEAKING SPANISH] Maybe if Mommy got her hair done too, you know, he wouldn't be so scared.
- Yeah? - [SOBS] Oh.
I like the upsell.
I love getting my hair done.
Okay, what should we do? Well, I can straighten it, or you can get rows - like the little man.
- Oh, I'll do rows.
That's not culturally insensitive, is it? Nah.
I mean, you're not, like, white-white.
Right? Yeah, you get it.
And I've never told anyone this, but I think in a past life, I was a slave.
- What? Did she say ? - Yeah, um, you probably should just keep on never telling that to anybody.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
But it's my truth.
That's really tight.
Oh, my God.
Ow! Ow.
Larry, hold my hand.
- [BRIDGE] Oof.
- [WHIMPERS] [SINGERS VOCALIZING] It's kind of itchy.
Does it itch you? - [LARRY] Uh-uh.
- No? Does it hurt? - Mm.
- You like it? - Oh, my! - Hi! - [BOTH LAUGHING] Wow! - [NELSON] Nice.
- Buddy.
It looks good.
- Twinning.
- I like it.
- Should we go in? Actually, could we, um, talk to you privately for a minute? - Oh.
Without Larry? - Is that okay? - Okay.
- [NELSON LAUGHS] Be right back.
Nelson wants to have an adult conversation.
- [BRIDGE] Sorry.
- [LARRY] Princess Nelly.
- That was surprisingly easy.
- [BOTH LAUGH] - What's up? - Let's let's take a seat.
- Oh.
- Follow me.
Oh, no.
Is it bad? Do you have Lyme disease? Why would I have Lyme disease? 'Cause it's going around, and you seem really lethargic lately.
No, it's actually good news, all right? Oh, okay.
So, Gonzalez-Taylor-Bird family meeting in session You're the spitting image of my ex-girlfriend Meredith.
- Who, me or her? - No, you.
[LAUGHS] Thanks.
That's so nice.
- She was from a rich family.
- Oh.
She got sucked into that whole AT&T thing.
She got hit in the head.
Her brain got all scrambled.
- She's on disability now.
- Oh, no.
I'm so sorry.
- Wasn't meant to be.
- Yeah, sometimes it's just - not meant to be.
- I still love her though.
- Really? - This one time Um, sorry to interrupt.
Touching story, bro.
I'm sorry that all of that happened, but we really - gotta talk to her.
- I'll talk to you later.
Yeah, yeah.
We'll listen later.
We gotta tell you something, Bridge.
- Okay.
- We are [TOGETHER] Getting married! [LAUGHING] What? Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.
We're gonna go to Puerto Rico to do it.
Oh, my God, a magical Puerto Rican wedding.
- I can't wait.
- Oh, Bridge, it's gonna be, you know, super small and, you know, his family'll know that you're his ex and and we didn't wanna make you feel uncomfortable.
- Oh, yeah.
- The flights are outrageous, so - I get it.
I totally get it.
It's gonna be super tiny, and I know you hate flying.
And is Larry invited? - Yeah.
- Of course.
- Oh.
[LAUGHS] - [LARRY] Princess Nelly! - Oh, hi! Yeah, I'll come play.
- Oh.
- [LARRY] Princess Nelly! - "Princess Nelly!" [LAUGHS] Wow.
- You cool? - Yeah, of course I'm cool.
- This is so exciting.
- Are you sure? Yeah.
No more broken homes for Larry.
At least, one less broken home.
Where's my phone? Can you just call it? Let me see if it's here.
- Where am I in your phone? - Under "Bridgette Bird.
" Not "Baby Mama"? - It's just your name.
- You changed it? I don't know.
It just kind of felt Here, just call it.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC] - It's ringing.
- I can't it's ringing? Stop throwing stuff everywhere.
- What are you doing? Stop.
- [PHONE VIBRATING] Oh, here it is.
- Here, let me help.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Got it.
Thanks, man.
- All right.
- Thank you.
" And I'm changing your name to "Fuckface.
" [ENERGETIC DANCE MUSIC] Now, now, who's that following my game? Better, better get out my way Gonna get hurt if you stay, I ain't got time, no way Now who's that playing on the beat? Brazabelle and Leo Justi Word is out, pop, pop, in the street - [MEN CHATTING INDISTINCTLY] - [PHILLIP] Eliza! I was just telling Allan how well you've been doing at that MCAT prep.
Following in the family footsteps.
Have you decided what you're gonna specialize in yet? - Mm-mm.
- [ALLAN] I'm guessing it's not urology like your dad.
Well, I would make a urology joke, but they really piss me off.
[LAUGHTER] - Always like that.
- That one never gets old, Dad.
- No, it never will.
- Nope.
Podiatry is better than pediatrics, though.
- Is it? - Feet don't talk back.
- "Feet don't talk back.
" - They stink, - but they don't talk back.
- Medically, they can't.
You're right.
- Let me try [INDISTINCT] - I mean yeah, yeah.
Options, you know.
It's just a lot of options.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Um, the potato salad I need to take the Saran wrap off.
All right, all right.
All right.
Bring the bowl.
[ELIZA BREATHING HEAVILY] [CELL PHONE VIBRATING] - 'Sup? - [ELIZA] Bridge, can you come to my dad's barbecue and and bring me weed? Um, I'm freaking out.
Um, okay, well, my only hookup's my mom.
[ELIZA] Okay, can you go to Tutu's and get weed, please? Please? I literally can't function.
I mean, I could get high too.
I'm having an interesting day.
- Just come.
- Okay, I'll be over soon.
- Bye.
Larry, we gotta go get some weed.
[MELLOW MUSIC] You know that lobsters are considered the cockroaches of the ocean? - Oh.
- I read it on Snapple.
- [JACKIE] Ask any lobster - [TUTU] Oh, what? There they are.
Here, put these on.
The cockroach of the ocean Yeah, that's not the song, though.
Hi, guys.
What the hell happened to your hair? Okay, can I have the weed, please? - We smoked it.
- Oh, precious.
What do you mean you smoked it? It's all done.
We smoked it all.
- Baby bye-bye.
- You just told me - to come here and pick it up.
- Not just, Bridgette.
- You were two hours ago.
- Twenty minutes ago.
- No, it was two hours.
- Twenty minutes ago.
Look at how much food we ordered today.
- It was two hours.
- What is going on here? - How much are you smoking? - We're microdosing.
- Little bits.
- You're macrodosing - is what it is.
- She has some.
She has it.
- Maria.
She's got it.
- She's holding.
- What do you mean, she has - Indica, sativa, CBD oil.
- Maria, right there.
- Shh.
- [TUTU] Boston legalized.
- I can get it here? - Yeah.
- What's good for panic attacks? Are you upset? - What are you panicking about? - What do I get? What do I ask for? BOTH: Granddaddy purple.
All right, well, you're paying for it.
Maruyama, - may we have some - Shh.
You're in public.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey.
How are you? Um, do you happen to have some granddaddy purple? Look at our little look what we got.
- Do you like that? - [JACKIE] Ooh, he likes Larry, I like your hair.
Okay, well, that was easy enough.
Now I don't have to go through you anymore.
- Come on.
- Oh, that's nice.
Cut your mother out.
That's very sweet.
Honey, your hair looks like that Bo lady.
- Bo, uh - Derek.
- Bo Derek.
- [JACKIE] Bye.
And Derek was that guy they killed on Grey's Anatomy.
Remember? It was so sad.
He was the lead, too.
They just boom.
Smoke it out like a burning man, make it hotter Light up the ganja, start the bonfire I don't wanna see you standing, start dancing Bring that ass over to me, start prancing Come on, skip to my Lou, Ms.
Lady Bring that ass, shake it, and drive me crazy I must be a king 'cause I'm wearing a crown I can get high without leaving the ground - You wanna go dance? - Go, go, go up and down Let me see you go up and down Go, go, go up and down Make your hands go up and down, go, go - [BEBE LAUGHING] - Turn up your resistance! Turn it up! Turn up the speed! Hello.
Special delivery.
- [ELIZA] Oh, what up, Bridge? - Hi.
Hi, Larry! Look at your cornrows.
And Bridgette, your hair.
- Oh, my God.
- Isn't it crazy? Bebe already brought weed, but I'm glad you're here.
Oh, I see.
Then you have to go watch a movie.
- [LARRY GIGGLES] - Okay? - Hi.
You're Bebe? - [LAUGHING] Yeah, hi.
[ELIZA] But seriously, Bebe, I still think the spin guy was hot, even with his little lisp.
"You gotta take up your resistance.
You gotta turn up your resistance.
- You gotta pedal.
" - [BEBE LAUGHING] I guess you don't need this anymore, - but here you go.
- Oh, this'll come in handy tonight, now [LAUGHS] Tomorrow.
Truth, because we cannot be at a Walker family gathering without being high.
Oh, so you guys are related? Yeah, yeah.
Like like play cousins.
You know, family we choose.
Oh, yeah, like me and Lize.
Play cousins.
[BOTH LAUGHING] [LAUGHTER CONTINUES] - Sorry, we're so faded.
- But, um, you look crazy.
- [ELIZA] What's your hair? - Can I have some? - Can you explain? - This? These are called cornrows.
I don't know if you're familiar.
- Definitely familiar.
- Yea or nay? [BEBE] Uh, I mean, how long are you gonna keep it? I don't know.
Should I take it out? I should take it out.
- Will you do it for me? - No.
It's your bed.
You gotta lie in it, girl.
- I need to get high.
- Come on, - we need to go downstairs.
- I really need it.
Okay, go in my bathroom.
But hurry up.
I'm finally high enough to face this party.
- Mm.
She's cute.
- She is, right? Come here, Larry.
You wanna play? - Hi! - Gimme five! Yeah, wanna [ ] with me? I'm the bona fide who make all the boys drool Taking names of all of the chicks who Said I couldn't do what I didn't do Read my lips, can I get a "[ ] you"? So come on, put your hands up, what? If you wanna fall in love - [VALERIE] Hey, future doctor! - [MUSIC DIES] - Come on over here.
- [PHILLIP] Get on over here.
- Yes! - Look at her strut.
- Hi.
- We are so proud of you, E! - Oh, thank you.
- Muah! Larry! Hello, little man.
Give me some.
Oh! [LAUGHS] Hey, Phil.
- Uh, "lip.
" - Lip.
- Phillip.
[POPS LIPS] - Okay.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, yeah.
Bridgette, have you met Eliza's aunties? - Hi.
- This is Valerie and Renee.
- Hello.
- Well, go ahead and put him down.
Let him play with the others.
You wanna play with the kids? - Yeah.
- Let's do it.
You know my son better than I do.
- Come with Phillip.
- Bye.
- Oh, he is beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.
- His father black? - Oh, no, Puerto Rican.
- Oh, black adjacent.
- Mm-hmm.
Righ' next door.
- Mm-mm, Bridge.
- No, I was kidding.
Lize, I didn't know you had aunties.
- Yeah.
- And I didn't know Eliza had a white friend with cornrows.
- Oh.
[LAUGHS] - [VALERIE] Hey, speaking - of cornrows.
- Me neither.
- Yeah, this is my daughter.
- Oh, yeah, we met.
You both have, uh, sons the same age.
- Oh, really? - But this one - doesn't have a man.
- Um, I have plenty of men.
I got plenty of men too.
But actually, not really since my son was born.
Oh, what happen to your man? He die? Oh, no, nothing like that.
I mean, - he might have Lyme disease.
- Oh.
You know, stay out of the woods.
Uh, um, he did propose to me.
So that happened.
- Oh! - But I said no.
- But I could've, so - Sweetheart? - What? - You can always - change your mind.
- Like tomorrow.
Well, I can't actually, 'cause he just proposed to his girlfriend.
- What? Wait.
- Oh, sweetie.
Yeah, I just found out this morning.
They're getting married in Puerto Rico.
Guess who's not invited? - [ELIZA] What? - This girl.
- Bridge.
[MOUTHS WORDS] - Who would wanna go - to somebody - No, I think it's a good thing for everyone.
For the whole family.
- I don't know about that.
- No, no, no.
Look, Bebe's baby's father married someone else and now that woman is getting all the attention.
Now she and poor Barry have to fend for themselves.
Oh, my God, that sounds terrible.
- [RENEE] It is.
- Who's poor Barry? Oh, it's my son.
It's, like, short for Barack.
- Your son's name is Barry? - Mm-hmm.
My son's name is literally Larry.
- No way.
- Oh, my God, get outta here.
Right? We're cousins.
Admit it.
- Bridge.
- What? - [BOTH LAUGH STIFFLY] - No, I'm kidding.
But I mean, we're cousins, right? - Of course.
- [DING] [FUNKY RETRO MUSIC] [TOGETHER] We're sisters We're singing and we're joyous and we're Uh People! [GRUNTS HAPPILY] - Girl.
- Come on, gimme a high-five! I'm just a little bit uncomfortable.
My advice? Now, you didn't ask it, - but I'm gonna give it.
- Mm-hmm.
You make things right with your baby's father.
- Or find you a better man.
- 'Cause you don't want to be out here doing this alone.
- Alone.
- [SOUL MUSIC BEGINS] - Oh - Hey! - Aww, yeah! - Find you a man, sweetheart.
- You're too pretty, babe.
- Ay! [VALERIE] Ey! Yeah! You gonna bring some We don't play no games, we don't play We don't, we don't play, no, we don't play We don't, we don't play no Why didn't you tell me about that Rafi shit? - That's fucked up.
- I know.
Um, I just wish you had told me to wear white.
I feel kind of out of place.
Welcome to my life.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, fine.
I just don't know anyone.
Sister, sister, where are you? I'll be back.
It's a sorority thing.
- Okay.
- Sister, sister of Lambda Mu! Sister, sister, where are you? [ALL] Sister, sister of Lambda Mu! Sister, sister, where are you? Sister, sister of Lambda Mu! - Are we really doing this? - You gotta.
- Get in there.
- Okay.
[SISTERS] She's a woman Of class and grace She's a woman Who's stood in the face Of challenge Strife and struggle No matter where this road Of life takes us One thing will always Be true The loving sisterhood Of Sigma Lambda Mu - Aww.
Lambda! - [ALL] Lambda! [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - We rep that Lambda Mu! - [ALL] Lambda! - Mu! - [ALL] Lambda! - Mu! - [ALL] Lambda! - Mu! - [ALL] Lambda! - Mu! - [ALL] Lambda! [MELANCHOLY MUSIC] Ace.
Oh, yep, you're gone.
Good-bye, tens.
Man, you better get it together over here, Lefty Lou.
There you go.
Jack beats sevens.
Catching up.
[SIGHS] All right, fine.
- Hey.
I'm here for our date.
Cute hair.
You're two weeks late.
- I know.
Traffic was terrible.
- [CHUCKLES] The key is cheese in the pan first.
- Sizzling.
- In.
- Can I have some? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Wait, you put cheese on the bottom? Yeah, it crisps up if you keep it on low.
So it's like a deep-dish quesadilla.
- Exactly.
- This is so yummy.
- Yeah.
- I love cheese.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
I do.
I love it.
All right, for the rest of your life, would you rather give up cheese or oral sex? - Hmm? - [LAUGHS] That is a really tough question.
- Mm.
- [LAUGHS] - What would you choose? - Lucky for me, - I don't have to choose.
- Why not? Oh, you know.
'Cause vaginas taste like cheese.
- [LAUGHING] No, they don't.
- Some do.
- They do? I - I mean I don't think my vagina tastes like cheese.
What does yours taste like? What do you think it tastes like? If I had to guess - Cornichons.
- Cornish hens? Cute little baby chickens? No, cornichons.
They're like these little miniscule French pickles made of gherkin cucumbers, like, two inches long.
- You've seen 'em.
- Aww.
[LAUGHS] - Yeah.
- You think my vagina tastes like little rich people pickles? - I guess.
It would be acidic.
- Mmm.
- They sound yummy.
- Do you wanna find out? Mm The quesadilla's gonna burn.
Take off your fucking shirt.
I wanna see your tits.
Feel how hard you make my dick.
S-so hard.
Yeah, you wanna taste my hard dick? Wanna put it in your fucking mouth? - Yeah, I wanna - Yeah? taste your hard dick.
And I wanna put it in my mouth.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm, and - Is your pussy so wet? - My pussy's Tell me how wet your pussy is.
- So wet.
- Yeah? It's like an ocean.
I wanted to fuck you ever since that day at the tattoo shop.
- Me too.
- I can't wait to put my - throbbing cock inside you.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Where do you want it? Inside my tight, wet pussy? - Yeah? - Yeah.
- Whoa.
- Show me where you want it.
Uh, not in my butt.
- Oh.
[MOANS] Your dog is so cute.
[GRUNTING] Oh! Yeah.
- [MOANS] - [HANK] Oh, God.
- I'm gonna come.
- Ah! Me too! - [HANK] Oh, my God! - Oh, I'm gonna co - [BRIDGE EXHALES] - Oh! Oh! [DOG SNIFFING] [PANTS] [BRIDGE CHUCKLES] Oh.
You didn't come in me, did you? - No.
- Okay.
- [EXHALES] - [HANK BREATHES HEAVILY] [URINE TRICKLING] [TOILET FLUSHES] [WATER RUNNING] [HANK] Hey, when'd you text me? What? What the fuck, Bridge? What? "The sex with this dude is so bad.
How's the cookout?" I didn't mean to text you that.
I thought you liked it.
- I don't know.
- Then why didn't you stop it? - Well, you were very into it.
- Wasn't that into it.
What? How could you not have been that into it? What do you mean? What do you mean you weren't that into it? I mean, like, it was good, but I thought you came over here because you wanted to hook up.
Let's just say I came over here to have sex.
It doesn't mean I wanna star in my own fucking porn.
You were the one acting all porny.
I was? "Inside my tight, wet, pussy"? Yeah, after you asked where I wanted your "throbbing cock.
" You know, you said, "Take off your shirt and show me your tits" like two seconds into the night.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC] I thought we were into each other.
I thought we were getting married.
[SIGHS] Um guess it was just a bad date.
Here, I can help you with that.
No, it's okay.
I got it.
Here, I can just do it.
[SHARPLY] I got it.
I shouldn't be here.
I'm gonna go.
Do you want me to call you an Uber, or It's okay.
I use Lyft.
[MUNCHES] [SIREN WAILS DISTANTLY] - Did you have fun? - Mm-hmm.
I danced with Hakim.
He taught me how to do, um, the stanky leg.
Ooh, let me see your stanky leg, then.
- Ooh, ooh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ooh, it's stanky.
- Mm-hmm! [BOTH LAUGH] Oh, my goodness.
I'm so happy you came.
So much dancing.
I've never been to a party like that.
I'm glad you got to meet my sorors too.
I didn't know you had this whole other life.
- Yeah, you did.
- No fine.
But I didn't know you didn't want me to be part of it.
- I invited you over.
- To bring you weed.
Yeah, but once you got there, I could relax.
- Well, 'cause we were high.
- No.
Because you're my girl and I wanted you there and my family drives me crazy.
I do have a "whole other life," and it's black as hell.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] - And I know you wanna be - [LAUGHS] - But you're not black.
- I know.
I'm sorry I'm so needy.
You are not needy.
My family is needy.
- Bridgette.
- Mm-hmm? Hey.
The sex was that bad, Bridge? [VOICE CRACKS] It was not great.
I'm sorry.
[INHALES DEEPLY] [EXHALES] Why aren't they inviting me? To their wedding? I don't get Hey.
Fuck them.
- You hear me? - [SNIFFLING] - Fuck Nelson and fuck Rafi.
- [LAUGHS TEARFULLY] You should be there with your kid.
Why do I even wanna go to the wedding? Because.
Because you care about them.
- I wanna go.
- And they should've - fucking invited you.
- I know.
And you've been the best baby mama ever.
- Do you hear me? - Mm-hmm.
I got you, cuz.
Can I really be your play cousin? "Play cousin"? You are my cousin.
We family.
Family that eats together stays together.
- But I got one condition.
- What? We gotta take them damn cornrows out.
- Like, what? - [LAUGHING] Please help me - take them out.
- Gosh! - Oh, my God.
- Girl.
Oh, my God, I hate 'em so much.
- Come here.
Come here.
- I feel really stupid.
- No, you don't look stupid.
- Oh, thank you.
I can get 'em out in 30.
This is what I do.
Really? Ooh, it's really itchy.
Don't worry 'bout me, I'm doing good I'm doing great, all right It's about to get ugly, flow so mean I just can't be polite Don't worry 'bout me, I'm doing good I'm doing great, all right It's about to get ugly, flow so mean I just can't be polite I bet you ain't heard no flow like this Supahsmaht