Smiling Friends (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

Who Violently Murdered Simon S. Salty?

1 That movie was epic! What did you think, Charlie? I don't know, man.
I didn't really enjoy it that much, to be honest.
What, really? Yeah.
Okay, okay, look, to be completely fair, I did really enjoy the scene when Biblo went rogue and he beat that woman in the head with the hammer.
I thought it was artistically and like, tastefully done.
I thought it was a well-done sequence.
That's funny.
That was the part I really didn't like.
It was just too violent.
I think it's just because he was a leech.
Hey, by the way, you want to get some food? Yeah, I could eat.
Oh, man, I could really go for some Salty's right now.
Isn't that like, cheap fast food or something? What? Have you really never been to Salty's? Dude, you're gonna love this place.
I've been coming here since I was a homunculus.
Charlie, this place doesn't seem very clean, There's grease all over the floor.
Ah, it's just part of the charm, man.
Welcome to Salty's! I'm Simon S.
Salty and I built this very restaurant with my own two hands! And together with my funny mascot friends, we work hard make to give you the most quality supreme To give you that quality Salty's experience.
Unfortunately, the United States FDA The FDA Has deemed my food a "hazard" Oh, my food Linked to 15 deaths in the past four months alone.
Although I am rolling out some new and improved menu items! Come on, I'm Italian.
You can try my new Cucumber Deluxe, the Super Green Bowl, and my personal favorite, Salty's Sourdough Bread Busts.
So come to Salty's and get your new and improved menu items todayyyy! Ugh, I hate when fast food restaurants do this healthy food shit.
First, they took off a century egg, and now this.
What's a century egg? Oh, it's like a Chinese egg that you bury the dirt and you dig it up and you eat it after like, 100 days.
Um, I actually thought it was pretty good.
I liked it.
I happen to like it.
I actually think the Cucumber Deluxe looks scrumptious.
No, no, no, no, Pim.
You have to get the Salty Delight burger.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize we had customers.
What can I get you? Yeah, I'll just get two Salty Delight Burgers, thanks.
Ah, sorry, unfortunately, as of today, we don't sell the Salty Delight anymore.
I can get you a Salty Sourdough Bread Bust, though.
What? Come on, you can't get rid of Salty Delight.
Let me talk to Salty.
Oh, Salty is actually taking his iconic 7:00 P.
No, I think I'm going to speak to him.
Oh, my God! Holy shit! S-Salty's been m-m-murdered! 9-1-1, what's your emergency? Yeah, I'm at Salty's Restaurant on Meat Boulevard.
Simon S.
Salty has been murdered! Uh, yeah, after some recent budget cuts, we're no longer in charge of murder mysteries.
Another team handles that now.
They'll be on their way shortly.
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
Hello? Hey, Charlie, the owner of the famous Salty's restaurant was just brutally murdered, and I need you and Pim to figure out who did it.
Thank you.
It looks like we're technically in charge of solving this.
I guess that means we're detectives now, Charlie.
Did you really bring that with you into the movie theater? First things first, how many exits does this place have, Ketchup? Just the front entrance.
Then that means the killer is still here in the restaurant.
Ketchup, who else was in the restaurant when we came in? Just me, you guys, and all the other mascots.
What other mascots? Alright, so we have Mustard, Salt, Pepper, Crazy Cup, the Fun Twins, and me, Ketchup, hee-hee.
I think that's everyone.
And don't forget about me, Grease.
I could have done it.
Um alright, well, did you do it? I mean, no, but I totally could have.
Cool, anyways.
As much as I love all you epic mascots, somebody here definitely murdered Simon S.
We should go around, get everyone's side of the story, then just see what sticks out.
And none of your are leaving until we solve this! You didn't need to raise your voice, man.
Alright, Ketchup.
What was your relationship like with Salty? Well, lately we have been having arguments about the new healthy menu.
I just knew it was going to cause problems for the restaurant.
Sounds like you were quite angry at Salty, then.
Yes, but I would never stab my friend in the back.
He was my damn godfather to my children.
Oh, don't cry, Mr.
We'll solve this mystery soon.
Thank you, Pim.
Alright, I'm not screwing around here.
You two kill Salty, or what? Oh, no, never.
We were spending all day draining the rotten soda from the machine with our soda-draining device and refilling it with fresh, soapy soda.
Yes, it's true.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
You guys spent all day doing that? Well, not all day.
We did have a little break to have a little kiss in the closet.
That's just straight-up beautiful, by the way.
Look, I couldn't have killed salty.
I spent all day cleaning a stain off my costume.
A stain of what? My own doo-doo feces, okay? For your information, I happen to have a serious drug problem which causes me to squirt out my ass into my costume.
And the worst part of all is this thing takes 20 minutes to take off.
Oh, fair enough.
I'm genuinely sorry.
That sounds terrible.
No dip.
Oh, I wish I could help, but I was in here all day, just doing my routine stock check.
Okay, yeah, that actually checks out.
Oh, alright, fine! You pushed me hard enough, and now I'm forced to admit it! Yes, Salty and I were having a steamy affair.
What of it? The last time I saw him, I was breaking up with him in his office as he was laying down to take his iconic 7:00 P.
I just couldn't keep it going on any longer.
He was smothering me too much.
Alright, that's a bombshell.
Could you expand on that a little bit more? I'd never do anything to hurt him, if that's what you're getting at.
Oh, murder is a terrible thing.
Just the thought of it makes me ever so like light-headed! Can't a poor mustard like me ever have a little fun? Yeah, everyone likes fun.
You like to have fun, too? I mean, you know, you're asking about me? I mean, yeah, I like fun.
Oh, yeah? I already said yes.
Alright, Charlie, you all done here? I think we just have one last interview left.
Yeah, yeah.
We're all done here.
Uh, we can have fun on the jungle gym after you tell me what you two were doing at the time of the murder.
Well, that's a nice story and all, but it doesn't really answer my question.
Pim, how did you understand any of that? What? Ow! This is tough.
I really feel like any of these rotten mascots could have done it.
What do you think, Pim? I I don't know.
I can't even think properly right now.
My arm is stinging so bad from whatever those Fun Twins spat on me.
Oh, it's just a little bit of playful spit, Pim.
Just having fun.
Ahh, Salty must have some kind of cream or ointment around here.
It did seem odd that Mustard was having an affair with Salty, but also that cup thing has got a bad energy about him, man.
Just a bad vibe.
Wait a second.
What room is this? S-S-Secret room! Greetings.
Wait, you're the century egg.
They took you off the menu, right? Yes, I was delicious, but the public wasn't ready for it, so I sold terribly, and Salty took me off his damn menu and locked me away down here.
And now you know my cool back story.
That is pretty cool.
Thank you.
Well, look, Salty was murdered, and we're trying to figure out who did it.
I knew this day would come.
He's made a lot of mascot enemies over the years.
Terrible shame.
Do you have any information that might help us out, Mr.
Egg? Ah, yes, well, funny you say.
I do happen to film everything that happens in Salty's office on my secret security camera.
But you wouldn't be interested in anything like that.
No, no, no, we definitely are.
Are you serious? Bleh.
I can feel the cold hand of death taking me away.
You may have my tape on the condition you bury me in the beautiful Chinese Xiang Pine Forest, my hometown.
Oh, yeah, we will definitely go to China to bury you, man.
Very well.
It's over there, in that drawer.
Thank you, Egg.
Oh, no, no, no.
Not that one.
Other drawer.
I'm sorry.
Listen up, everyone.
We have it all right here on tape.
Now we can see for ourselves what actually happened.
Rewind it.
I knew it! It was Ketchup the entire time.
Oh, fine, it was me.
Charlie, you like our menu, right? Aren't you sick of seeing all your favorite fast food restaurants becoming healthy and cleaning up their image? Fast food should be greasy and make your heart palpitate! Yeah, but I never break the sixth commandment, dude.
Wait a second.
I think there's more.
What? So Salt and Pepper did it? Fine.
Fine! We did it! We drained all of his blood because he didn't approve of us kissing on the job.
Alright, I guess that settles it.
Wait a second.
I think it's still going.
You got me.
How many people killed this guy? We just need to see who killed him first.
It seemed easier to kill him than to break his heart.
Alright, I don't think we're gonna get any more surprises, so I guess you really did do it.
Wait a second, there's a bit more footage left! Wait, wait, wait! Play it from there.
My final burger! After today, I'm going to start eating healthy.
Oh, my heart! Ohh! So I guess that means they're all innocent.
Salty technically died from a heart attack.
I mean, all of these characters are definitely psychopaths, but I guess none of them killed them.
That means we legally can all go free.
Yay! I don't think it means that, I'm just Alright, next time I'm picking the food.
Did we have to come all the way to China to do this? It's what the egg wanted, Alan.
You know what's messed up? He probably tastes even better right now that he did before.
Yeah, what do they taste like? I've never tried a century egg before.
Really? Okay, you have to try it at least once.

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