Soap (1977) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

1 [♫] ANNOUNCER: This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
Our story begins early one morning in Dunn's River, Connecticut.
[♫] Good morning, Benson.
Isn't it a glorious morning? Oh, I just love mornings like this.
Birds sing, flowers grow, all's right with the Benson, what are you cooking? What does it look like I'm cooking? Well, it looks like eggs.
Good, then it's eggs.
Benson, the doctor said no eggs.
Mr.
Tate's cholesterol level is quite high.
Eggs could kill him.
Hmm.
Therefore, we don't want to cook eggs, do we? We do.
Benson, Benson, Benson.
What am I gonna do with you? Such a mind of your own.
Well, I suppose just this morning it won't hurt.
In fact, let's make something really special for the whole Let's make eggs Benedict.
Eggs Benedict? You get out of here.
We'll surprise everyone.
I'll help.
Oh, for the dinner party tonight, I think I'd like for you to make beef Wellington.
Forget it.
Why? I don't like it.
But it's very good.
It's Mr.
Tate's favourite.
It ain't mine.
I don't like it, so I ain't making it.
I'm making fish.
Mr.
Tate hates fish.
I know.
Well, then why are you making it? Because I like fish more than I like Mr.
Tate.
[♫] Sweetheart, we went over this last night.
I cannot spend the weekend with you.
How could I explain it to Jessica? I do want to be with you.
All the time.
Yes, my little sweet potato.
Sweet potato? What? No, no, sweet-potato futures are much too risky.
Just stick with your blue chips.
The market will move quite sharply.
Right.
Right.
Goodbye.
Chester, business so early in the morning? You work too hard, dear.
Well, somebody has to, the way this family spends money.
Can't, Jessica.
Carbohydrates.
Chester, I waited up for you last night.
I hardly ever get to see you anymore.
I worked late.
Told you.
Till 2:30? Didn't you hear? What? Wasn't it on the news? No.
What wasn't on the news? Accident.
Big accident on the expressway.
Oh? A hog truck overturned.
A hog truck? Mm.
Biggest mess I have ever seen.
Traffic didn't move for hours.
Dead hogs all over the road.
Oh, my.
Chester, I, uh I know it's morning and it is It is light out and everything, but I I was just thinking, Chester, maybe we could, uh Some other time, Jess.
I'm exhausted.
From lifting all those hogs.
Lifting them? Well, I had to, Jess.
I couldn't just sit there in my car and let some old farmer move 40 dead hogs off the southbound lane all by himself.
Chester, I mean, I just never thought about you moving them.
I had to move them, Jess.
If I hadn't moved them, uh The fire trucks couldn't have gotten through.
Fire trucks? Right.
To put out the fire.
The fire? Yes.
On the fuel truck that overturned.
Chester, a fuel truck overturned? Yes.
When the hog truck hit it.
You see, the hog truck hit the fuel truck, which burst into flames.
And it needed the fire truck, which couldn't get through until I moved the hogs.
And that's why I'm so tired, Jessica.
[♫] Where is Corinne? Hey, Eunice, this is my room.
Your sister stole my new lavender scarf.
She's not your sister? She probably stayed out all night again.
Hey, listen, no aggravation, huh? Tonight I have my first date.
I also have a pimple.
Now, what I'd like to know is, why me? Why not you or anybody else in this crazy family? Everyone in this house is, one way or another, totally deficient as a human being, and I get the zit.
Well, maybe it's because you have the dirty mind.
Eunice, blow it out your ears.
Good morning, major.
Hi, Gramps.
Do you read this filth? No, Eunice, I look at the pictures.
How can you even bring it into the house? Because I like it, Eunice.
I like naked ladies.
I like to look at them.
I like to be near them.
And someday, Eunice, given the opportunity, I would like to touch them.
You're sick.
Fine, I'm sick.
Coming from a person who has never seen herself nude, I take that with a grain of salt.
You know, you and Corinne are both exactly the same.
You're both perverts.
Good morning, Benson.
Here it is.
Ah, Benson, you're terrific.
Ah, it works for everything.
Does it work for pimples? Well, it's hard to say because it's not actually for pimples.
You see, we don't get pimples.
God said, "I won't give them pimples, I'll just screw up their hair.
" Thanks a lot, Benson.
Only one in this family worth a damn.
[MUTTERING] [♫] Yes, capo, tell godfather not to worry.
I can arrange everything.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN] [WHISTLING] Morning.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN] What are you eating? Froot Loops.
Listen, Danny, I've been wanting to have a little talk with you.
Shoot.
Now, I know I'm not your father Right.
But I am your stepfather and, I like to think, your buddy.
All right, all right, okay, all right.
We haven't been such great buddies up till now, but there's no reason we can't start.
Danny, I'm worried.
We all know what you're doing.
It's no secret.
We weren't born yesterday.
I hear those phone calls in Sicilian.
Stop.
Stop before it's too late.
Stop before somebody gets hurt.
Well, I'm sure plenty of people got hurt already.
Stop before you get blood on your hands.
Real blood.
Or more blood, if you've already got some.
I don't know, Danny Danny, leave that bunch of Italian gangsters.
There is no bunch! Boy, it gets me mad.
Everyone's always picking on the Italians.
Anytime they find a dead guy in Brooklyn, right away it's the Italians.
They find a body in the trunk of a guy's car, it's the Italians.
Well, I'm sick of it.
I'm sick, sick, sick! But you're not even Italian.
Don't tell me I'm not Italian! You're not Italian! Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Listen, Burt, if you don't leave me alone, you're gonna be in big trouble.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah? What kind of big trouble? This kind of trouble.
See this? This is your head.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Watch this.
This is your neck.
Okay.
How about this? This is your spine.
These are your brains.
And this is your head.
You already did my head, you jerk.
This is your heart.
You think you're so tough.
How about this? That was your body.
MARY: Jodie, breakfast is ready.
Shh.
Be quiet, now.
It's your mother.
If she didn't love you If she didn't love you so much, I swear I'd kill you, Burt.
[BURT & DANNY LAUGHING] Funny, funny story.
Remind me never to serve you guys breakfast in bed.
Yeah, well, somebody must've left a window open last night, and a cat got in.
A cat.
Or maybe a monkey.
A monkey? Yeah.
They can wreck a place.
Ever see their cage at the zoo? A monkey in Connecticut.
It could happen.
Yeah, sure.
[SINGS "OH, WHA A BEAUTIFUL MORNING"] Hi, big brother.
Hi, little brother.
Why don't you offer him some Froot Loops? It'd be very appropriate.
Listen, you animal.
I told you before, my brother is not a fruit.
He's a practical joker, with a wonderful sense of humour.
[GROANS] He likes to make people laugh.
Hey, hey, that's enough.
Put your father down.
Stepfather.
Just put him down.
This is like having breakfast with the Marx brothers.
Now, this morning, I want some peace and quiet.
Nobody calls anybody a fruit, an animal, a jerk, anything.
Well, I'm late.
I gotta go change.
So you won't hear the word "animal" out of me.
[GROANS] And I've gotta get to work, Mom, so you won't hear the word "fruit" out of him.
Bye.
Bye, Burt.
Bye.
Burt, I think it's time we had a talk.
About what? Darling, something's been troubling you.
You just haven't been yourself lately.
Well, it's the boys.
I don't think we're getting along.
I know you want them to like you, Burt, but that's not the problem.
I mean, I know it's been rough on them, what with their father committing suicide, us getting married, but still I thought they could replace my own sons.
That's not the problem, Burt.
That's not it.
Are you kidding? Not seeing my own sons for 15 years.
Do you know how hard that is? I know, but that's not it.
Fifteen years since she took my kids and moved to Hawaii because she decides I don't have enough class.
She can do better.
So she moves to Hawaii? That's where she's gonna find class? Forget about it.
I've got news for you.
You know what she found? A bunch of short, fat guys wearing loud shirts, that's what she found.
Burt So she moves to Hawaii.
The music alone is enough to keep you away from that island.
That's not it.
That's not the problem, Burt.
Your ex-wife is not the problem.
What do you mean? It's not just my wife.
What about your sister and her family? They're not a problem? The high and mighty Tates looking down on me because I work with my hands? That jerk Chester in his tweeds.
A man who'll jump on anything with a pulse, and he's got class.
And that's why I'm not going there for dinner tonight.
You are going there for dinner tonight, Burt.
Chester and Jessica are not the problem.
All right, I'll go.
But only because I love you.
I love you, Mary.
And I haven't been able to make love to you.
That's the problem.
Well, now, I've given you all the reasons.
Those are not the reasons.
Sure, they're the reasons I lie in bed troubled over all those things.
Burt, all those things have been going on for a long time.
They're not suddenly the reasons.
They're not? They're not.
I was sure they were.
Burt, listen.
When you're ready to talk, I'll be here.
And I'll understand, I promise you.
I love you.
So there's nothing in the world so terrible that I wouldn't understand.
There's nothing you wouldn't understand.
I could tell you anything and there's nothing you wouldn't understand.
I love you.
[MUTTERS] How can I tell you your husband didn't commit suicide? That he didn't kill himself? That he was a criminal who did terrible things and I killed him out of love for you.
How in the world can I tell you I killed your husband and you'd understand? Pfft! [♫] [♫] Where are Billy and Corinne? I want us all to have breakfast together this morning like a real family.
Corinne never comes home, Mother.
I mean, does anyone even know if Corinne is still living in this house? Oh, don't be silly, dear.
Of course she's living here.
Her mail comes here.
Good morning, Benson.
No, thank you.
Just coffee, Benson.
Dear, it's eggs Benedict.
Jessica, do you know the cholesterol count of that? You might just as well get a gun and put it to my head.
Now you're talking.
Benson, did you put sugar in this? Is it sweet? Very.
Then I guess I did.
Benson, how many times do I have to tell you I am a diabetic? I can't have sugar.
Oh, I keep thinking it's salt you can't have.
I can't have salt either.
There ain't no salt in there.
Just get me another cup, please.
And this time don't put anything in it.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, smiley.
Grow up.
Bye, Dad, bye, Mom.
Bye, bubbles.
JESSICA: Billy, breakfast.
I can't, Mom.
I'm late for school.
Anyway the major's still in the shower.
If I leave now I won't get caught in the crossfire.
Benson.
Is this some kind of black humour? This cup is empty.
You said, "Don't put anything in it.
" Just give me coffee, please.
Do you realise that Benson has not said one word to me in 12 years? Well, dear, it's just that you have such different interests.
[GUNFIRE IN DISTANCE] Dad's shooting at Mr.
Kirby again.
Really, Daddy, you ought to put that old man away.
He is crazy.
Eunice, your grandfather suffered a severe shock in the war but he's not crazy.
Here we go, Dad.
At ease, men.
Everyone, say good morning to the major.
Good morning, major.
Good morning, major.
After breakfast, boy, maybe you'll sing a little song for me.
Uh, Daddy.
Daddy? Dear, we don't call them "boy.
" What do you call them? "Boogies"? No, Daddy.
His name is Benson.
If my gun hadn't jammed, I'd have got him this time.
Damn German patrol parties.
No, it isn't the patrol party, Dad, it's our neighbour, it's Mr.
Kirby.
You expect me to believe our neighbour is a Nazi? Of course he's not a Nazi, he just drives a Mercedes.
Colonel, who is this woman? What I'd like to know is, where does he get the bullets? Baby, it's time to go.
Yes, Daddy.
JESSICA: Goodbye, darling.
Chester, please try to come home early tonight for dinner, Mary and Burt and the boys are coming.
Why are they coming? That's what I say.
Why are they coming? This family is bad enough, they're worse.
Shut up, Benson! Hey, boy.
Sing a little song for me.
Come on, boy.
[SINGING "MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME"] Daddy.
I know.
Nobody ate any eggs.
Oh.
Benson, perhaps on your day off, you'd like to take them home.
Oh, I'd sure like that, Miss Tate.
We just loves 3-day-old eggs Benedict down in the ghetto.
The little children can use them for hockey pucks.
Hi, Ma.
JESSICA: Hello, Corinne.
Hi, Major.
Is it true you didn't come home last night? Your sister said you didn't come home.
Ah.
It's true, Ma.
It's true.
Well, who were you out with? You don't know him.
Neither do you.
Uh, I couldn't help it, Ma.
You see, there was this, uh Accident.
Another accident? Yeah, uh Turkey truck overturned and there were these turkeys all over the road.
Turkeys and hogs, all in one night.
No hogs, Ma, just turkeys.
No, your father's was hogs.
Hogs and turkeys, my, my! [LAUGHING] Must have been a terrible night for the farmers.
Well, I'm gonna get some sleep.
I'm wiped out.
Well, I guess I'll go for my tennis lesson.
Bye.
[WHISTLES] Boom! [♫] Oh, my God, oh, my God.
How could I do this to Chester? Sweet, wonderful Chester who thinks I'm here improving my backhand.
What time is it? Oh, uh, almost noon.
I'm afraid I have to go soon.
I have to meet my sister for lunch.
All right.
Oh, Chester, sweet, wonderful Chester.
Who's Chester? My husband.
It would kill him if he knew about this.
So don't tell him.
He'll know.
I mean, he will take one look at my face and he'll know.
Does my face look any different to you? No.
Good.
Come on.
Good old Chester's probably boffed a secretary or two in his day.
"Boffed"? Yeah, Chester's a guy.
What is "boffed"? It's wha It's what we just did, sweetheart.
Oh, I I didn't know you called it that.
To "boff.
" That sounds like a name you'd give a puppy.
Here, Boff.
Here, Boff.
I mean, I just never heard that before, you know.
I bet Chester hasn't either.
You know, when Chester says to me, "Jessica, what did you do today?" I bet I could say to him, "Oh, I boffed," and he wouldn't even know what I was talking about, heh.
Uh, don't try it.
You probably do this, uh, all the time but I've never done this before.
What? Well, I mean of course, being married I have done this.
But I mean, it's always been with Chester.
See, I always thought it would be more or less the same.
But it is different with you.
Well, I mean, basically it's the same activity.
Look, babe, I've got another lesson and you've got to go meet your friend for lunch.
My sister.
Your sister, right.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Hey, not that door.
That's my 12:30 lesson.
The back door.
For your protection, you know.
Chester.
Chester.
Bye.
Bye.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES] [KNOCKING ON BACK DOOR] [WHISPERING] What? Uh, thank you.
Don't mention it.
PETER: Corinne, hi.
Hi.
[♫] ANNOUNCER: Will Jessica find out about Corinne and Peter? Will Corinne find out about Jessica and Peter? Will Burt tell Mary he killed her first husband? Will Billy's zit disappear before his first date? Will Benson make fish? These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of: Soap.
[♫]