Soap (1977) s01e02 Episode Script

Episode 2

1 [♫] ANNOUNCER: This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
Remember the Tates? Jessica and her husband, Chester? Chester's a guy who fools around with everyone but his wife, and poor Jessica, because Chester's been so busy, has taken up with Peter, the tennis pro, who in turn has been busy with Jessica's daughter, Corinne.
Of course Jessica doesn't know Peter's been busy with Corinne and Chester's been busy with everyone.
Jessica just wishes she'd gone shopping instead.
Remember the Campbells? Jessica's sister, Mary, and her second husband, Burt? The Campbells have problems.
Mary has two problems: Her son, Danny, is in the Mob.
Her other son, Jodie, is gay.
Danny and Burt have a problem: They don't get along.
Jodie and Burt have a problem: They don't get along either.
Mary and Burt have a problem: Burt can't make love to Mary and she doesn't know why.
Burt has the biggest problem of all: He knows why.
He murdered her first husband.
We begin this week's episode of Soap shortly after Jessica's "tennis lesson.
" Mary.
Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.
I was, uh, taking a tennis lesson.
You know something? Hm? You're looking absolutely wonderful these days.
Really? Oh, thank you.
Younger.
You look younger.
Oh, no.
Yes, really.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Jessie, you're blushing.
Well, I mean, you're making such a fuss.
Jessie, you didn't.
No, I didn't.
You devil, you.
Mary.
You can tell your own sister.
When did you do it? Mary! Shh! I can't believe you did that without telling me.
Mary.
Did it hurt? Oh, Mary, come on.
I've always wanted to, but I'm afraid Burt would kill me.
He's very old-fashioned, you know.
If he knew I wanted a face-lift Mary, please don't tell anyone, please.
I swear.
Face-lift? Who did it? What? The face-lift.
What face-lift? Jessica, did you or did you not have a face-lift? Not I not No, I didn't.
Then what did you have me swear to? I didn't have a face-lift.
Jessie.
So, Mary, how are the kids? Jessie.
Mary.
Oh, Jessie, no.
Oh, Jessie.
Oh, Mary.
Oh, Mary, if you ever tell a soul, I'll kill you.
Who is he? I can't tell you that.
I'm your sister.
I can't tell you.
I knew it was something.
You're glowing.
I can't believe it.
My sister is having an a Mary, what am I gonna do? I mean, I can't go around glowing.
Chester will know.
I can't go home.
Jessie, Chester won't notice.
He hasn't looked at you since you were 30.
Now, tell me.
What does he look like? Oh, you know what Chester looks like.
No.
Him.
Oh, him.
Tall, dark, very athletic.
How old? Um, I think I need a drink.
He's younger.
How old is he? Younger.
How young could he be? Young.
Forty.
Thirty-five.
Thirty? Oh, my God, he's 25.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Of course he's not 25.
Well, then.
He's 28.
Twenty-eight? That's wonderful.
Twenty-eight.
No wonder you glow.
Uh, Mary Never mind.
Jessie, you can tell me.
No, you'd be shocked.
Jessie, I have a son who's gay.
What could possibly shock me? Jodie's not gay.
Tell me, Jessie.
You see, I never realised that I was a physical person.
You see? You're shocked.
I don't know exactly what you mean.
You know, physical.
I don't know.
I like it, Mary.
That's the shocking thing? Oh, Jessie, you're an original.
Mary, I have to ask you a question.
I'm so glad you're open-minded about this.
When you and Burt, you know, when you We don't.
You don't? No.
Since when? Long enough for me to forget how.
Oh, dear.
Well, when you did, did you ever feel like? Well, I mean, just for a few seconds.
Did you ever have a strange feel? I don't know how to describe it.
A feeling like you had melted butter in your veins instead of blood? Mary? Shh.
I'm remembering.
Oh, thank God.
I thought there was something wrong with me.
Mary, what have I done? I mean, in all these years, Chester has never so much as looked at another woman, and now I have done this.
I don't deserve to live.
Jessie, you've got to stop doing this to yourself.
Has it ever occurred to you that Chester might have been unfaithful? Oh, Mary, please.
Chester hardly ever does it with me.
But with a stranger? Never.
[♫] Yes, my love, I know.
It just gets better and better.
As soon as I can, pigeon.
I love you.
Bye.
Here's your coffee.
Ah.
Aah! Oh! Oh! What's the matter? Not enough cream? What is the matter with you? "It just gets better and better.
" Oh, that was really smart, Chester.
It was really smart to make a call like that from your office when I can sit outside and listen to it.
I mean, you are really smart.
Is that it? Is that what you're carrying on about? Don't bother, Chester.
Don't bother telling me you were talking about the stock market when you said, "It gets better and better.
" As a matter of fact, that's exactly what I was talking about.
To "Pigeon"? Pigeon, Chester? Who, Walter Pidgeon? Okay, Claire, you caught me.
I did it.
I, uh, spent the night with another woman.
Do you know how long I've been your secretary, Chester? Since I was 18.
And since I was 19 you've been telling me you'll leave your wife.
Well, now I'm 30, Chester.
Three weeks ago I was 30 years old.
It's all right.
I sent myself flowers and signed your name.
Thirty years old and I'm still waiting for you to leave your wife.
Once.
I cheated once.
You cheated once? That's right.
With this Pigeon person? Right.
Tell me, do you call her Pigeon because she coos, or because she's a carrier of filth? Oh, Claire.
You know, Chester, I've known about Pigeon for weeks.
And before that I knew about the blond in securities, the red-headed switchboard operator, the brunette in payroll.
I've watched you work your way up through half this building, Chester.
I never knew if you were doing it by floor or hair colour.
That's enough, Claire.
I've had it.
I have had it.
Do you know what you've turned into? You have turned into a wife.
You're fired, Claire.
I'm fired? That's right, you're fired.
Oh, no, I'm not fired, Chester.
Yes, you are.
I'm the boss and I fired you.
Wrong, Chester! I am now the boss.
[CHUCKLES] You see, you fire me and I tell Jessica everything.
Fine, tell Jessica.
She'll never believe you.
And then maybe I'll call the SEC and tell them what you did with the Whitney trust fund.
They'll believe you.
So, Chester, now let's talk about us.
And where we'll take our vacation and how much of a raise I'm going to get.
Oh, I do need a raise, Chester.
My apartment is much too small.
On the other hand, maybe I shouldn't rent a bigger one.
Maybe we should buy me a condominium.
Well, the tax advantages would be substantial, and with my expensive tastes, you're gonna need all the help you can get.
Jodie.
Jodie, how many times do I have to tell you to leave my things alone? Mother.
Look at that! My wig, my necklace, my best dress.
Oh, you wear that belted.
Oh, yeah.
I never thought of wearing it belted.
It looks much better that way.
Sure, it breaks up the straight line here, then you just blouse it slightly at the waist.
That's much more slimming.
Definitely.
Jodie, get out of my clothes.
Mother, sit down.
Jodie, come on.
Mother, how would you like a daughter? What are you talking about? Sit down, Mom.
Jodie, just tell me.
I'm thinking of having a sex-change operation.
[LAUGHING] A sex-change operation.
A sex-change operation.
Right.
I better sit down.
By a sex-change operation, do you mean a sex-change operation? Mm-hm.
I spoke to Dr.
Fletcher today, and he I'm not thinking about what I'm gonna tell people, Jodie.
I couldn't care less.
The thing is, I just got used to you being a ho Homosexual.
I mean, I always thought you'd outgrow it, that it was just a phase.
And now, when I'm finally used to you being a Homosexual.
You're going to get a sex-change operation and be a girl? Jodie, for God's sakes, what am I gonna tell people? Oh, my God.
I think I'm having a cerebral haemorrhage.
I can feel it right here.
Mother.
I mean, you're casually going out and doing this thing like it was nothing.
It's not like getting a haircut, Jodie.
A major artery just went.
Fine, in 10 minutes I'll be dead.
I won't have to worry.
Mother, Mom, listen to me.
Mother Mom, I should be a woman.
I've always felt like a woman.
Mom, remember when I was 4 years old and it was Christmas? And you gave Danny and me those little plastic shaving kits? Remember? Remember how Danny took that little plastic razor and started to shave his face? [LAUGHING] I shaved my legs, Ma.
[CRYING] Mom, it was apparent then! Mary, Mary, where are you? Wait till you hear the news.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realise you had company.
I just Good God! What the hell does he think he's doing? He' s not going out dressed like that, is he? No.
No, it's too chilly.
I'll take a wrap.
[IN DEEP VOICE] Bye, Burt.
He's sick.
So am I.
He looks better in that dress than I do.
Mary, Mary, have I got news.
Guess what happened an hour ago.
Come on, just guess.
Burt, please.
I think I just had a minor cerebral haemorrhage.
I can't guess.
Well, I was in the sporting-goods store buying some tackle for my fishing trip, when suddenly I heard a salesman say, "Mr.
Campbell, I have the balls you ordered.
" Well, being Mr.
Campbell, and not having ordered any balls, naturally I looked up.
Who's standing there, Mary? Who? A transsexual.
No, Mary, my son! Mary, my oldest son, right there! Well, I went right up and introduced myself.
I mean, it's been 15 years.
He didn't recognise me.
Mary, wait till you see him.
He's terrific.
Oh, he's tall and he's great-looking.
Wonderful.
He can date Jodie.
He's gonna meet us at Jessica's.
Wait till they see him.
I don't have enough class for them? My son's got enough class for both of us.
Plus.
My son.
My son.
Mary, do you know how strange it feels saying "my son"? Oh, yeah? Wait till you try saying "my daughter.
" [♫] Godfather? Oh, Danny.
Over here, Danny.
Come in, come in.
Danny, I hear you wanna resign from the family.
Yeah.
Boy, is it real hot in here, or is it me? It's good for you, Danny.
This opens up your pores.
Well, you know, Danny, if you leave, you're gonna disappoint me, huh? But worse than disappointing me, you're gonna disappoint somebody else, somebody I don't think you wanna disappoint.
Who? Your dead father.
I don't know why I come in here.
I hate the heat.
You knew my father? Oh, very well.
Danny, your father was one of our best soldiers.
My father? Well, how do you think you got this job, Danny, when you got out of the Army? We apply to the Veterans Administration? Or we need people and we call up the New York Times and say, "Hello, send over another hood"? Danny, use your head, huh? I can't believe it.
So, you see, Danny Now, the only way to let you go is if you have just as much to lose as we got to lose.
I don't know what you mean.
Well, we make a deal, Danny.
Uh, you do us a favour, and we do you a favour.
Hey, sure, name it.
What favour? A contract.
You You mean kill a man? Oh, Danny, a contract.
You wanna call it kill, you call it kill.
Personally, I don't like the word.
Well Well, who would it be? It would be the man who killed your father.
Oh, this is some heat over here.
The man who killed my father? No, that's impossible.
My father committed suicide.
Suicide? No, he didn't.
Yes, godfather, that's what they said.
The autopsy showed the The autopsy showed? Oh, Danny, no.
Your father was killed.
You know, I've been coming over here for 23 years to open up my pores.
What I wanna know is what is so terrific about opening your pores? Who killed him? I mean, do people walk down the street and say, "Look at him, how nice.
Look at those nice, open pores"? No.
"Nice hat.
" "Nice haircut.
" They say nothing about the pores.
Who killed my father? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Danny, now, we gonna tell you who killed your father when you agree to do the job and not before, huh? Now, Danny, come on, you kiss the ring, because Sheldon and I got some business, okay? Ow! Boy.
This is a lot for one day.
All right, all right.
Goodbye, Danny.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN] He thinks this is a lot for one day? [SPEAKS IN ITALIAN] Wait until he finds out the man he has to kill is his own stepfather.
But he's a nice boy.
[♫] [DOORBELL RINGS] Hi, Mrs.
Campbell.
Hi, Benson.
Nice to see you.
Hi.
Guess what, Benson.
My long-lost son that I haven't seen in 15 years is coming here tonight for dinner.
Wonderful.
I'm the one who makes the meals, I'm the one who sets the table, and I'm always the last one to know.
Hello, Daddy.
Benson, this is all wrong.
The avocado and the shrimp should not be separated.
The shrimp should go in the avocado.
Here, Tinkerbell, stuff it.
I'm so nervous, my hands are shaking.
I need a drink.
Benson, I'll have a vodka with a twist.
Yes, sir.
Hey, Benson? Could you tell the Tates we're here? Very well.
They're here! Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
Oh, Dad, listen, I need 10 bucks.
What for? I got a date.
What do you mean you have a date? You're 12 years old.
I'm 14.
Yes, he'll be 15 in October.
Thanks, Dad.
Good night, Mom.
Not too late.
Don't wait up.
Are you sure he's 14? Mm-hm.
He was born October 28th, 1962.
I always remember that it was October of '62, because that was when the washing machine broke and I had to go to the Laundromat that week.
And I went into labour between wash and spin dry.
Uh, what are you looking at, Chester? You.
You look terrific.
Oh! Heh-heh.
Is that the glow you noticed? Well, uh, you see, it's this new makeup that I'm wearing that I'm allergic to.
You see, it sort of gives off this glowing effect, which, of course, it's not supposed to do.
It's just that it's the allergy.
Uh, I Chester, could we go downstairs now? Because, you see, the Campbells are here and the food's gonna get overcooked and Benson's gonna have a fit.
But if you're not, uh If you're not ready, I'll just go down first, and you come when you're ready, which is probably a better idea anyway.
[♫] My son, my son.
After 15 years, I'm gonna be with my son.
I mean, I'm so nervous, I need another drink.
Drink up, captain.
We move out at dawn.
Gramps, World War II is over.
This war will be over with the invasion of No Ask to borrow my scarf, Corinne.
I did not take your scarf.
I always lend you my things, don't I? Last week I lent you my black pantsuit, didn't I? Of course, it came back with an entire leg missing, but did I complain? You want your scarf? Take a look over there.
You thieving little fruit! Hey, wait a minute.
My brother is not a fruit.
He's a practical joker with a wonderful sense of humour.
Danny, put her down.
She's a girl.
Children, children, now, let's not squabble.
Stop it.
We're a family.
Yes, that's right, and a lovely family too.
Now, come on, everybody sit down, huh? Come on.
Daddy, I want us all to have a nice time, hm? We're all going to have some lovely conversations.
My son is coming after 15 years.
I'm gonna be with my so We know, Burt, we know.
It's boring already.
Aunt Jessica, you look terrific tonight.
No, no, I I don't.
I I don't look terrific at all.
It's an allergy.
I'm sick.
Yes, that's what it is.
I'm sick, sick.
I'm considering getting a sex-change operation.
[LAUGHING] Would you listen to him? What a sense of humour.
He doesn't need an operation.
He could pass now.
You take that back! Take your hands off my daughter! Get your hands off him! [DOORBELL RINGS] Oh, my son.
My son! My son! This is my job, turkey.
Dad! BURT: Peter! Peter? Peter? Corinne? Corinne? Jessica? Mother? Corinne? Jessica? Oh, my God.
Jessica? Peter.
Mother? Peter.
[♫] [♫] ANNOUNCER: Will Jodie have a sex-change operation? Will Danny take the contract and find out that Burt, his stepfather, killed his father? Will Jessica find out about Chester and his secretary, Claire? Will Chester find out about Jessica and Peter? Will Corinne find out about Jessica and Peter? Will Jessica find out about Corinne and Peter? Will Burt find out? Will Benson find out? Will Benson care? These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of Soap.
[♫]