Soap (1977) s01e03 Episode Script

Episode 3

1 [] ANNOUNCER: This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
In last week's episode of Soap, we discovered that not only Jessica and her daughter are having an affair with Peter, the tennis pro, but that Peter is Burt Campbell's long-lost son.
As for Burt Campbell, Mary's second husband, he is so overwhelmed by guilt for having murdered Mary's first husband, he can no longer make love to her.
But this is nothing, because Burt doesn't know that Mary's son Danny, in order to leave the Mob, has to kill the man who killed his father.
Danny doesn't know that that man is Burt yet.
Mary's other son, Jodie, is contemplating becoming her daughter.
Life is also not exactly a bed of roses for Jessica's husband, Chester.
His affair with his secretary, Claire, has become complicated by the fact that she is now blackmailing him.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
We begin this week's episode of Soap shortly after Peter's arrival at the Tate home.
I just can't believe it! I cannot believe it.
I mean, it's such a small, small world.
I can't get over it.
I mean, my long-lost son from Hawaii comes to Connecticut and winds up teaching my sister-in-law and her daughter tennis.
Bet that ain't all he teaches.
And then, and this is really incredible, my sister-in-law and her daughter don't know they have the same tennis teacher.
Plus, which he doesn't know, they're mother and daughter.
Pfft! I'm not finished with that, Benson.
And then And then to top it all off, no one, but no one knows he's my son.
Pfft! So what, Burt? So it's a small, small world, and I can't get over it, can you? Yes.
Colonel, where's General Eisenhower? Wasn't he invited? Where in the world is Jessica? In my kitchen, and I wish she would get the hell out of there.
I'll get her, Chester.
Eat your dinner.
Benson, I am not finished.
Jessica? Oh, hello, Mary, could I get you something? Jessie, you can't hide in the kitchen all night.
Hide? Who's hiding? I am helping Benson make a soufflé for dessert.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
Forget it.
I ain't making no soufflé.
I told you I ain't making no soufflé for these animals.
The way they eat, I ought to just shove the food in under the door.
And you see, for a soufflé, of course, you have to beat the egg whites and the egg yolks separately, Therefore, you need two people, Mary.
I mean, one to beat the whites and one to beat the yolks.
I'm beating the whites.
Oh, yeah? Well, there's a whole table of them in there I'd like to help you with.
Jessie, I know.
And if you don't come out, everyone's going to be suspicious.
Oh, Mary, I'm so ashamed I could die.
Do you realise what I've done? I've had an affair with my nephew.
I think that's against the law.
He's not your nephew.
I mean, I just got used to adultery and now I have to get used to, uh Incest.
Benson, he is not related to us.
He is my stepson.
Oh, Mary, I've never done this before, ever.
I See, what it was, was I was lonely.
I mean, uh, Chester's never here, and then the kids are never here, and I've done all the clever things I could with shelving paper, and, uh So, Mary, I did that.
But I'm never gonna do it again, Mary.
Ever.
Okay, Jessie.
Okay.
Come on out, now.
If you stay in here, Chester will become suspicious.
Oh, my God! Chester.
I have to tell him.
Mary, I have to tell Chester what I've done.
Are you crazy? No, it's the right thing to do.
It's the stupid thing to do.
I'm going to tell him.
All right, Jessie.
I was never gonna tell you this, but poor, sweet Chester has been Hm? How do I put this? Jumping on anything that breathes? [LAUGHS] I wasn't gonna put it quite that way.
Oh, sweet, adorable Mary.
I mean, you'd just do anything to keep me from telling him.
Even to making up that outrageous lie about Chester.
Hi, Ma.
Hi, Aunt Mary.
JESSICA: Oh, hello darling.
Can I have the keys to the car? It's locked.
But you don't drive, dear.
I don't want them for driving.
I want them for parking.
The car is parked already.
Look, Ma.
Can I just have the keys? I got my date outside and we just want to sit in it.
But, dear, you can invite her in.
I mean, she doesn't have to sit in the car.
She likes sitting in cars.
Ma, we're just gonna listen to the tape deck and talk.
I promise.
Oh, well, all right.
Here you are.
Thanks, Ma.
Bye, Aunt Mary.
MARY: Bye.
Ah, children.
I mean, you work, work, work to give them a beautiful house, and then they just want to sit in the car.
Jessica? Oh.
Mary.
Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do.
You invite your insane family over for dinner, and I'm the one who's stuck with them.
Now, Jessica, either you get out of this kitchen and come inside, or I am sending everyone home.
Send them home.
Shut up, Benson.
I will, when you send them home.
Well, Jessica? What were the choices again? Come on, Jessica.
It's a small, small world and I can't get over it.
Why don't you try, Burt? [LAUGHS] You know, it's funny.
I've been thinking about taking tennis lessons.
Get your hands off my son, you fruit.
My brother is not a fruit! JESSICA: Oh, Mary! Boys! Stop it! That's enough.
JESSICA: Mary! I am not cleaning this.
Ain't no way I'm gonna clean this.
Burt, stop this, you idiot! Oh! Medic, medic! I've been shot.
Drop that, you thug.
Good night, Uncle Chester.
I had a wonderful time.
I've had it.
I've had it with all of you.
You are never coming here again! Terrific.
Nothing could suit me better.
Slobs.
Slobs? Slobs? Heh-heh-heh.
I'm a slob? Look at you.
You've got cranberry sauce all over your shirt.
Out! Out! [] Burt, are you asleep? Are you kidding? With that racket going on next door? Burt, we don't even try anymore.
Why don't we try? 1:00 in the morning and that's going on.
There's nothing going on next door, Burt.
What, are you joking? You don't hear that? Farkus and his wife? Is it that you're not attracted to me? Is that it? I think he hit her.
There's nothing going on next door, Burt.
Did you hear that smack? Didn't that smack sound just like a hit? I didn't hear a hit, Burt.
I didn't hear a smack and I didn't hear a hit.
[MOUTHING] What? I was testing.
You didn't hear that? Burt Mary, Mary, I think you should have your ears checked.
It's probably just wax, but I would have them checked anyway.
Burt, what is it? Is it that you're not attracted to me? No.
It's a temporary thing.
It'll go away.
It happens to men.
It's been six months.
Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
Put pressure on me, Mary, it'll never happen.
Pressure? We've never even talked about it.
I just don't think we can let this go on forever.
Oh, time.
Now we have time limits? If there's one thing that doesn't help, it's time limits.
Darling, maybe you ought to see a psychiatrist.
Now I'm crazy, right? All of a sudden, I'm some kind of nut.
No, darling, I just thought maybe it might help to talk to someone Did you hear them? Quiet.
Human beings are trying to sleep up here! Burt, are you having an affair? God, Mary, no! Because it's normal, darling.
A chance encounter, a few glorious stolen moments, and sometimes, life can be all the richer for it.
So if you're having an affair, you can tell me.
I'll understand.
Mary, I swear it.
There's no one.
Good.
Because if you were, I'd rip your heart out.
Mary, how could you think that, even for a minute? Burt, I bought something today.
I think it might help.
Now Don't let the title frighten you.
The Cookbook of Sex? I know.
I wish they hadn't called it that.
But, look, it's written by an M.
D.
Recipes? He gives recipes? Mary, you actually paid money for this? Well, yes.
I mean, I've tried everything.
I've tried short nightgowns, long nightgowns, new nightgowns, no nightgowns.
I have powdered myself, perfumed myself.
Bees are attracted to me and you're not.
Mary, Mary, don't cry.
Please, honey, don't cry.
Please, don't cry.
I just feel awful.
Sweetheart, it's not you, I swear it.
I Look, I Bzz.
Bzz.
I love you, and you're all I want.
I promise you, if things don't change, I'll get some help.
I promise.
Okay? Bzz.
[BOTH CHUCKLING] Try and get some sleep, Mary.
Look at that.
I mean, that's a total impossibility.
I mean, the Flying Wallendas, at the height of their career, couldn't get into a position like that.
[] [] Claire! What are you doing, calling me at home? For crying out loud, Claire, it's 1:00 in the morning.
I can't come over.
All right, Claire.
All right.
I'll come over.
I'll think of a way.
Goodbye.
Who's laughing? Benson, is that you laughing? Oh! What? I was just surprised to see you.
I live here.
No, I mean still up.
I thought maybe you had gone to sleep by now.
I had a business call.
Chester, I have a confession to make.
I, uh Chester, please sit down.
What is it, Jessica? Chester, when people have been married a long time, they spend a lot of time together, and so then they get kind of used to each other.
And then, of course, on the other hand, they spend a lot of time apart, and so they don't see each other very much.
So sometimes they tend to get lonely, and sometimes, Chester, despite themselves, they seek some little comfort elsewhere.
And so, Chester, what I'm trying to say is that sometimes home cooking is boring, and sometimes the kitchen is closed.
And so, sometimes one goes out to eat.
Jessica! Oh, Chester.
Jessie! Oh, dear God, Jessica! You're not saying I am.
After all these years, I thought I knew you.
I know, Chester, I know.
How could you? I don't know, Chester.
I don't know.
How could you? How could you? Even for a minute.
Oh, I'm sorry, Chester.
How could you think, even for a second, that I would be unfaithful? Huh? Do you think our marriage means nothing to me, Jessica? Do you think I took those vows lightly? I don't believe this.
To accuse me of No, no, no, Chester.
I didn't accuse you.
Please, Jessica, you did accuse me.
No, Chester, I, uh Unfaithful! Me? Jessica, may I lose the use of the entire right side of my body if ever I have so much as looked at another woman.
May my postnasal drip back up and drown my brain if ever I have been unfaithful to you.
Chester, where are you going? Out.
You've gotten me much too upset to sleep.
[] Hold it! Put that down.
You understand, don't you, that this is the last food fight? I'm making you a promise right now.
If I ever see one speck of food anywhere except on a plate, I am leaving for good.
Clean up this mess.
You want a fresh cup of coffee? I think you got some banana in yours.
Yeah, thanks.
You know, I think she's really serious.
Yeah, me too.
You see, oddly enough, the thing is, I don't actually hate you.
I'm not too crazy about you, but I don't hate you.
It's not even dislike.
I don't dislike you.
Not that I like you, don't get me wrong, I don't like you.
But I probably could like you if we didn't hate each other so much.
The thing is, I don't know why you hate me.
You know something, neither do I.
I mean, I've thought about it a lot too.
I've tried coming up with reasons, but there aren't any.
I just look at you and I hate your guts.
Yeah, well, I can understand that.
But you know something? You've never really done anything.
Danny, it's okay.
Don't worry about it.
I just don't want you to take the fact that I hate you personally.
I don't.
I don't, really.
Danny, I know I annoy you.
I can be a very annoying person.
Like the way I'm always telling you to leave the Mob.
I mean, if you want to ruin your life working for a bunch of gangsters Well, the fact is, I'm leaving the Mob.
Danny, that's When? Well, soon.
There's something they want me to do for them, and then I can go.
What do you gotta do? Nothing.
It's just a thing.
I don't even know all the details yet.
Yeah, well, if I can help, just say the word.
Yeah, Danny, really.
Thanks.
Well, I gotta go.
I got a meeting.
We'll see you later? Right.
Bye, Burt.
Bye, Danny.
Burt have a nice day.
You too.
Hey, come on.
I'd say things are definitely improving here.
Danny and I are becoming buddies.
You know, you go fishing with a buddy.
And my son Peter is here.
We could go fishing.
Peter could go fishing with Danny and me.
The three of us could go fishing.
Peter, Danny and me.
And Mary could come.
It'd be just like a real family.
I better buy four new fishing poles.
Why four new fishing poles, Burt? I mean, aren't you going to invite me? I love to fish.
Oh, this is very nice, Burt.
Ever think of wearing a bib when you eat? Go away from me, fruit.
"Fruit"! Wonderful.
You've agreed to stop throwing it.
Don't you think you could agree to stop saying it? Can't the two of you work things out? Hey, I'd be very willing, except there's one slight problem.
The man hates me.
He doesn't hate you.
You don't hate him.
Well, close.
Why? I don't know.
It's because I'm gay.
Right, Burt? I mean, you hate me because I'm gay.
Right? Well? I guess if you need a reason, that's a good one.
Burt, it's a terrible reason.
I mean, look at me.
I'm a person.
Burt, look at him.
[MOUTHING] Ugh.
He gives me the creeps.
Burt, what do you mean, I give you the creeps? I don't know.
You're spooky.
He is not spooky.
I do not find him in the least spooky.
Yeah, well, maybe you're used to it.
Burt, just think of me as a person, that's all.
I mean, that's all I am.
I'm a person sitting here.
Burt, look at me.
I'm a person who happens to like men.
[WHIMPERS] MARY: Burt! Now, wait a minute.
I don't know.
I mean, it's It's hard, this gay business.
I'm not used to it.
I mean, all my life, I was never around them.
When I was growing up, gay meant happy.
I mean, it's just hard to get used to.
And life was a lot easier then.
I mean, maybe when you guys were still in the closet, maybe it wasn't easy on you, but it was a hell of a lot easier on us.
I mean, used to be, you walked down the street, a guy smiled, you smiled back.
Today you smile back, either you're arrested or invited dancing.
So it takes getting used to.
It's hard getting used to a guy who likes guys and not girls.
And now you're gonna get a sex-change operation and be a girl.
Now I gotta get used to a guy who is now a girl who likes guys and not girls, who used to be a guy who liked guys and not girls.
[MUTTERS] But I'll try.
From now on, I'll try to look at you as a person.
And I'll try and look at you the same way.
[] Danny? Danny.
Come in, come in.
Afternoon, Godfather.
Ah, Danny, sit down.
The food is getting cold.
Godfather, I've given it a lot of thought Not until you taste this, Danny.
Just wait until you taste this.
Oh, no, thanks.
I'm not really very hungry.
Danny, this restaurant belongs to my mother.
If you don't eat, she'll kill me, huh? Okay, but just a little.
All right.
You're gonna love this.
You're gonna love it.
Godfather, I've thought it over, and I've decided to take the contract.
How is that, huh? Oh, it looks great.
I love chicken.
That's eel.
It's good, eh? Huh? Ah! Yes.
And now, I want you to try some of this linguini.
I swear it's better than sex.
You know, I'm not particularly crazy about the idea of killing a man.
Who is? I mean, I have a tough time killing a bug.
But I think if I have to kill somebody, I can kill the man who killed my father.
No, Danny.
No, no.
You gotta twirl the linguini around the spoon like this.
Danny, you can't sit there with the linguini hanging out of your mouth.
You look like, uh, a demented walrus.
[CHUCKLES] That's better.
So now will you tell me who killed my father? Okay.
I'm gonna tell you.
The man who killed your father was [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] Some surprise, eh? What? I didn't hear what you said.
I said, some surprise, eh? No, the name.
Oh.
Your stepfather.
What about my stepfather? He's the one.
Burt? Oh, yes, Burt.
Oh, come on.
Be serious.
Oh, you think I make it up, huh, Danny? You think I make up a story your stepfather kills your father and now you gotta Hey, Shakespeare maybe makes up bad stories like that.
I don't, Danny.
But why would he kill my father? Because your father was trying to run him out of business.
If I was Burt, I would do the same thing.
Now, I love your father, Danny, but a sweet man? No.
I can't believe this.
Oh.
In the meantime, the saltimbocca is ice-cold, Danny.
Burt? Yes, Burt.
Now, look, look.
You didn't touch a thing.
My mother is gonna kill me.
Burt Campbell killed my father? There are two things in this life that my mother can't stand to see.
A guest host on the Tonight Show and food left on a plate.
Huh? Maybe it was another Burt Campbell.
It's a common name.
Danny, it was him.
He was the one.
No, hey, this is for you.
There's a gun in there.
Oh, and what did you think would be in there, spumoni to go, eh? Come on, Danny.
I can't do it.
I beg your pardon.
I mean, you're talking about the man my mother loves.
I can't kill him.
Yes, you can.
No, I can't.
Yes, you can.
No, I can't.
Yes, you can.
No, I can't.
Yes, you What is this, a musical? Yes, you can.
And I'm a gonna tell you how you can by letting you know what's gonna happen if you can't.
If you can't, we gonna kill you.
As they say in Italiano: [SPEAKS IN ITALIAN] What's that mean? Boy, are you in it! [] ANNOUNCER: Will Burt and Danny become friends, or will Danny kill Burt, thus putting somewhat of a strain on their relationship? Will Jodie get a sex-change operation? Will Corrine and Jessica find out that not only do they have the same tennis teacher, but that neither of them are learning to play tennis? Will Jessica be able to stop? Will Burt be able to start? These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of Soap.
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