Soap (1977) s01e04 Episode Script

Episode 4

1 [] ANNOUNCER: This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
In last week's episode of Soap Mary realises that Jessica and Corinne are playing something other than tennis with Peter, the tennis pro.
Neither Jessica nor Corinne realise that they both are engaged in a game of mixed doubles.
Jessica is so overwhelmed with guilt she attempts to confess her affair to Chester.
But Chester isn't listening, because he's so overwhelmed by his secretary Claire's blackmail attempts.
Meanwhile at the Campbells, Mary has threatened to move out unless Burt and Danny try to get along.
Getting along with his stepfather, Burt, becomes even more difficult for Danny once the Godfather tells him Burt was the man who killed his father.
Since the Mob will kill Danny if he doesn't kill Burt, Danny realises trying to please his mother will be a problem.
But Mary's problems don't end there, since her other son, Jodie, is about to become her daughter.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
Good grief.
Are you just coming home? Shh.
Are they still sleeping? My goodness.
You stay out all night, you sleep all day.
The only time I get a chance to clean your room is midnight.
Come on, Benson.
I got enough problems.
It's unhealthy, that's what it is.
You never see the sun, you don't eat regular meals.
You hardly ever even stand up.
You better get a job, girl.
[GASPS] Oh! Morning, Ma.
My goodness, you're up bright and early.
Oh, well Well, I was just leaving.
I'm, uh I'm going out to look for a job.
As a night watchman.
Well, I'll see you later, Ma.
Yes, good luck with the job.
Oh, thanks.
Huh? Why isn't the table set for breakfast? Because I didn't set it.
Oh, well, I suppose that's a good reason.
And I ain't gonna set it.
Oh, Benson, you have to set the table.
I mean, we have to eat.
People in this house don't eat breakfast.
They run in, bend over, sip and leave.
So that's it for table setting.
Table setting is out.
Jessica? JESSICA: Yes, dear.
Where's breakfast? The dining room is empty.
I know, dear.
We're having a kind of a buffet in the kitchen this morning.
Chester, how would you like for me to make you some waffles? Just toast and coffee.
Benson? Hm? Why is it everyone else's toast is always a nice, normal colour, and mine is always black? Black ain't a nice, normal colour? I'm talking about toast, Benson.
Now, why is mine black? Because it's burnt.
Why don't we fire him? Oh, don't be silly, darling.
We can't fire Benson.
What do you mean, we can't? Nobody but Benson would put up with us.
What are you talking about, Jessica? We're a perfectly nice, normal family.
Good morning, Daddy.
MAJOR: Where have I landed? In the kitchen, you idiot.
Oh, colonel! I was afraid the wind had blown me behind enemy lines.
Here, Daddy.
Hi, Gramps.
There's nobody in the dining room.
I know, dear.
We're all in here.
Could Mommy fix you a nice bowl of cereal for breakfast? No, thanks, Ma.
You got home very late last night.
Yeah, I know.
I had a date.
Uh, you know, Billy, I think maybe it's time that you and I had a little man-to-man talk.
Ah, that's all right, Dad.
Benson took care of that already.
Benson took care of what? Sex.
See, we also learned it in school.
Of course, in school, they teach us about chickens and fruit flies mating, you know.
Chester, what would a chicken see in a fruit fly? I don't know, Jessica.
I don't know why they have to teach us about animals.
Benson told it better.
Well, I'm sure that Benson, in his primitive way, explained things to you.
But I think it's a good idea if you had the right view of things.
The white view? Chester, do whites and blacks do it differently? I said, "the right view," Jessica.
Well, I know how it works, Dad.
Unfortunately, it hasn't changed my life any.
He just drank raw eggs.
You just ate burnt toast.
Morning, everyone.
Morning, princess.
Good morning, darling.
Eunice, how would you like some pancakes for breakfast? Oh, no, thank you, Mother.
I'm on 300 calories a day.
Three hundred calories? But, darling, what can you eat? Nothing.
If I brush my teeth twice a day, that puts me a little over.
[LAUGHS] How would you like a ride to the station, puss? Oh, no, thanks, Daddy.
I'm flying to Washington to cover a press conference.
Careful of those congressmen.
Too late.
Jessica, would you tell Benson to starch my shirts, not my shorts? I feel like I'm walking around with saltines in my pants.
I better get going, Mother.
I'll be home tonight.
All right, darling.
Have a safe trip.
Bye-bye, Major.
One thing I like about you Italian women.
You're very grateful.
Maybe this evening, I'll bring you some nylon stockings and Hershey bars.
Mother, this war thing is getting worse and worse.
He doesn't even know where he is anymore.
His mind Mind! Young lady, I'll have you know my mind is sharp as candy, thank God.
Come in.
[] Listen, babe, I hate to rush you, but I got another lesson real soon.
The real reason I came here today was to break up with you.
[CHUCKLES] Break up with me? Yeah.
I mean, ironic, isn't it? Yeah.
See, I mean, I let this happen once before, but I came here today to tell you I could never let it happen again.
And then I mean, I no sooner than get here than I let happen exactly what I said I would never let happen again.
Yeah, what happens happens, you know.
Yes, but I mean, why did it happen? Do you think maybe I'm in love with you? You're not, no.
Well, maybe.
I mean, my stomach goes flip-flop and I'm all shivery.
Oh, that's the flu, the intestinal flu.
I had it myself, last week.
I think you should go right home and get to bed.
Oh, I hope my mother isn't looking down from heaven at this.
I mean, this would kill her.
This is not love.
This is the flu.
Then, of course, if my mother is looking down from heaven, being very nearsighted, maybe she wouldn't know it was me anyway.
Then again, maybe in heaven, people aren't nearsighted.
I mean, if there is a life after death, I wonder if you need glasses for it.
Mother! Corinne! Corinne, hello, I I was just at the end of my tennis lesson.
See, I, uh I take my lessons up here, because the lines on the court make me so nervous.
That's right, the lines.
Peter thought of this.
This sort of takes the pressure off.
You know? Keep your knees bent now and follow through with the racket.
Over the shoulder.
PETER: I think you're getting it.
JESSICA: I got it.
There, you got it.
Good! I got it.
I got it.
I think you've got it.
Yeah, and thank you.
I got it.
PETER: See you next week.
She's really improving.
Really improving.
[] And you don't have to be a baseball player to use Ball 4.
After the game, I always use it for the game that's coming up.
And cut.
I think we got it.
Thank you.
That's a wrap, everybody.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Well, how'd it look? Terrific.
Listen, if you need tickets to a game sometime, just let me know.
I'll take you up on that.
Hey, how about this Sunday, 49er game? Done.
Out of sight.
That's gonna be a great game.
They got a great defence, toughest in the league.
All right, Dennis, what's going on? You broke two dates with me in the last week.
I told you, I had a terrible week.
I mean, I had a rough game Sunday.
It's not just that, Dennis.
It's a lot of little things.
I mean, you're different.
Well, how? How? Like Friday night when we went out for dinner.
You asked for a table instead of a booth.
You spent the whole meal talking to those people next to us.
And then you tell me, "I have a headache.
" I did.
I got kicked in the head in practise.
Is there another guy? Oh, come on, Jodie.
It's Ralph, isn't it? It's not Ralph.
Fine, hey, you wanna be with Ralph, be with Ralph.
I mean, the man has the IQ of an avocado and the worst nose job that I've ever seen.
It's not Ralph.
It's David, then, hm? It's not David.
Because he lied, Dennis.
He was never Barbra Streisand's hairdresser.
It's not David.
It's Bob.
It's Bob.
Jodie, it's not another guy.
Then what the heck is it? Well, it's It's a woman.
Oh, be serious.
I am.
Come on, Dennis.
When you're at the line of scrimmage, read the blitz.
Dump it off over the middle, throw a zing out for a quick six.
A woman? You and a woman? Some people wouldn't find that so strange.
Oh, I know that, Dennis.
But, you know, seeing as you're a homosexual, I would [GIGGLING] A woman.
Does she know? I haven't told her yet.
Well, Dennis, when you touch her and throw up, I think she's gonna be suspicious.
I'll tell her.
I'll tell her.
A woman! What's so funny? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm just having a little trouble picturing it, that's all.
I mean, what do you do with her? Listen, Jodie, it just so happens I might be a latent heterosexual.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Oh, and what makes you think you have these heterosexual tendencies? Just because you're not crazy about Bette Midler? Look, it has nothing to do with us.
I mean, it's just too risky.
You know, I've only got a couple of years of pro ball left.
And after that, I've gotta rely on making money from my endorsements.
I mean, if people found out I was a Homosexual! Shh! Shh! All right.
All right.
I'm sorry.
But I kind of figured this was coming, so I worked out a solution.
What? Well, it's a pretty big step.
Sex-change operation.
A sex-change operation? [WHISTLES] Which one of us? Since you're the quarterback, I guess it would be me.
You mean, you'd become a woman? Mm-hm.
The doctor said I would look just like Jacqueline Bisset.
I don't know.
This would solve the problem, but But what? The responsibility.
I don't want the responsibility.
What if it didn't work out between us, if I left you? I mean, you'd be stuck being a woman, and I'd feel awful.
Oh, no, you wouldn't.
You'd be dead.
[] [] Chester.
Chester, what's the matter with you? You're a nervous wreck.
Of course I'm nervous, Claire.
I told you I didn't want to come here.
I cancelled a very important business lunch to come here today.
Do you know how embarrassing it would be if the man I was to have had lunch with walked in? And who were you supposed to have lunch with? Matt Sloan.
Really? How brave of him to join you for lunch the day after open-heart surgery.
I mean, to come here, wired up to all those machines.
What are you talking about, Claire? Matt Sloan.
Matt Sloan? I said Marty Simms.
How can I have lunch with Matt Sloan? He's in intensive care, for God's sake.
Do you think Mount Sinai lets you out of intensive care for a lunch hour? [LAUGHING] Marty Simms? Right.
Well, it must have been very important.
I mean, since Marty Simms is vacationing in the south of France, this must have been some important lunch.
That's right.
That's precisely how important it was.
Marty Simms was going to hop on the Concorde to get here in time.
Crazy Marty.
Chester, I've been your secretary for 12 years.
You can't lie to me.
You were going to have lunch with Pigeon.
Pigeon? Oh, Claire, how many times do I have to tell you? Pigeon and I are through.
Save it, Chester.
I swear it, Claire.
I swear it.
Chester, it's been 12 years I've been doing things for you.
From now on, you're going to be doing things for me.
The lovely condominium that you bought me was just the beginning.
I need Claire, I really can't afford Chester, what you really can't afford is an investigation by the Securities Exchange Commission.
I mean, that's what you really can't afford, Chester.
Claire, Claire, Claire.
You little hothead, you.
All of this is unnecessary, you know that.
It's you, my sweet.
It's always been you.
It always will be you.
Chester, you double-crossing, dirty, lying cheat.
Ah, ah! Miss Teitelbaum.
I was trying to reach you.
Your stock has Minor problem in her account.
She's so short that her stock I don't know what you're thinking, but Now I know.
Well, so much for Pigeon.
Now, Chester, there is one last thing I want you to do for me.
What's that? Divorce Jessica.
What are you talking about, Claire? I can't You've been saying you're going to do it for 12 years.
Now, think about it, Chester.
It's either me and a two-week honeymoon in the Bahamas, or Jessica and 10 to 20 in Attica.
So, Chester, what do you say? What were the choices again? [] I just love having tea.
I always feel like such a lady having tea.
Of course, the way things have been going lately, it would take a great deal more than tea to make me feel like a lady.
In fact, I wonder if I'll ever feel like a lady again.
Jessie, don't you think you ought to stop seeing him? Somehow, I don't think you're cut out for this.
Well, of course, you know, Scarlett O' Hara always felt like a lady, no matter what she did.
Jessie, what do you think? Well, I think it was all the hoop skirts and parasols.
I mean, how could you not feel like a lady with all that? Jessie.
Oh, Mary, I feel awful.
I am absolutely no good at carrying on.
I mean, some people are very good at it.
You know, they just go out and have a good time.
But not me.
I mean, when I go out to have a good time, I have a terrible time having it.
Also, Corinne almost caught me today in Peter's apartment.
No! Mm.
But I very cleverly pretended I was learning to serve.
Jessie, don't see him anymore.
For all you know, he could be carrying on with a lot of women.
He could be carrying on with Corinne.
Oh, Mary, don't be silly.
Corinne is a baby.
Jessie, Corinne is not a baby.
I heard Eunice say that Corinne doesn't even come home at night.
That's because she refuses to wear a watch.
She has Mary, I'm telling you, Corinne has absolutely no sense of time.
You know, sometimes she actually says "Good morning" when it's afternoon.
That's the way she is.
Absolutely no sense of time.
But a wonderful sense of direction.
Jessie, that's not true.
Sugar, Mary? Jessie, you know about Corinne.
Cream? Jessie, Corinne sleeps out.
Lemon? Jessica! Jessie, you can't play ostrich all the time.
Sometimes you have to open your eyes and see what's going on in the world.
I know, Mary.
I know.
And I would, if there were lovely, beautiful things to look at.
But there aren't, Mary.
Jessie, life can't always be beautiful.
It can.
Mary, it can, if you think it can.
Besides, even if Corinne did wear a watch, she probably wouldn't come home at night.
You know, it's in her blood.
What are you talking about? Mary, you know she's adopted.
Of course, she doesn't know that.
But you remember what her mother was like.
And frankly, I think she's inherited the trait of staying out all night.
Somehow, I don't think that's inherited, Jess.
I don't know why not.
Eye colour and money is.
Jessie, what are you gonna do? Go to the bathroom.
It's the tea.
I don't know how the English do it.
They must be up and down every five minutes.
About Peter.
Oh, I'm never going to see him again.
Really? Really, never again.
Oh, good.
Jess, that's wise.
And I'm going to tell him, too, just as soon as I see him.
Jessie, wait.
[] And this is my room.
Those are hamsters.
No, I thought they were water buffalo.
So, Molly, I haven't got all the time in the world.
Are we going steady or what? Not that it matters one way or another.
If it's not you, it's somebody else.
And why do we have to go steady? Because everybody is.
It's no big deal.
Okay, fine.
Forget it.
Well, I have to think about it.
What's there to think about? Well, I don't know if I want to get tied down.
Fine, forget it.
Well, this isn't a yes, but if we were to happen to go steady, what exactly do we do? I told you.
You wear something of mine and that's it.
What, shoes? No, a ring or a bracelet.
Do you have one? No.
Listen, I think next time you ask a girl to go steady, you should prepare a little for it.
Wait, I got it.
You can wear this on a chain.
What is it? That's a genuine shark's tooth.
Gross! Haven't you got something gold? What's wrong with the tooth? I mean, Judy has Eric's ring and Tracy has Sam's football charm.
Stephanie has a silver thingamajig from Ronnie.
Everybody's wearing silver and gold.
And I'm not wearing a tooth from a fish.
Okay, fine.
I'll get you something.
And if I do, are you gonna wear it? Well, I don't know.
What if I want to date other guys? What are you talking about? You don't even date.
And it doesn't mean you can kiss me.
Who wants to kiss you? I don't want to kiss you.
Kissing is gross.
So, what's it gonna be? I haven't got all day.
Hey, what's this? I won it for swimming.
I'll take it.
My medal! Yeah.
That's the medal I won for swimming! Do you want to go steady or not? All right.
All right.
You can keep it.
So does this mean we're going steady now? Yeah.
See you.
My medal! [] Oh, hi, Danny boy, Am I glad you're here.
I started to make a sandwich, I got a little carried away.
You can share it with me.
Oh, if your mother saw what I was making right before dinner, she'd kill me.
She always thinks I'm gonna ruin my appetite.
[STAMMERING] Danny, Danny, you did it.
You quit the Mob.
And you're giving me your gun.
Oh, I'm so proud of you, Danny.
So proud.
I can't believe this.
I can't believe what's going on here.
Not without the mayonnaise.
It's in the icebox.
Oh, I'm feeling so good.
I swear, I'm feeling so good.
If I could carry a tune, I'd sing a song.
Thank you very much.
What a wonderful day this has turned out to be.
And I can't tell you how happy I am about you and me, Danny.
If you think I'm happy, you should see how happy your mother is.
Of course, she wouldn't be happy if she saw the sandwich I was Thank you.
You know, I think it's all gonna work out.
I mean, so much has happened today, so many wonderful things.
You know, I think today is the happiest day of my life.
I know I already said that, but it's just because I'm so happy.
And this, this looks terrific.
A terrific sandwich for a terrific day.
Ah, it's almost ready.
And now, Danny, we're gonna have ourselves a treat, Danny.
Hi, Burt.
Hi, Danny.
So see you later, Danny.
You bet.
I can't believe it.
If I didn't see it with my own eyes, the difference in your relationship.
Oh, it's just night and day, Mary.
Just night and day.
[] ANNOUNCER: Will Jessica and Corinne ever stop to wonder why they're both learning to play tennis in Peter's apartment? Will Jessica leave Peter and try to make her marriage work? Will Chester leave Claire and risk getting sent to jail? Will Jodie get a sex-change operation and try to compete with his boyfriend's girlfriend? Will Burt get to eat his sandwich, or will Danny kill him first? These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of Soap.
[] []