Soap (1977) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

1 [] ANNOUNCER: This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
In last week's episode of Soap Chester's secretary, Claire, had arranged for Chester's mistress, Pigeon, to find them together at lunch, thus ending Chester's relationship with Pigeon.
But that's not all.
Claire has threatened to report Chester's illegal business activities if Chester doesn't divorce Jessica.
Jessica has tried to end it with Peter, but couldn't, but tells Mary she'll see him again to see if she can.
Jodie has found that his quarterback boyfriend, in order to protect his image, has a girlfriend.
Jodie tells him that since he's planning a sex-change operation for that very same reason, his boyfriend can get rid of his girlfriend.
Danny has tried to follow the Godfather's orders to kill Burt, but couldn't.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
I'm trying, Godfather, I'm trying.
I mean, it's not the easiest thing in the world to do.
Well, well Well, uh Well, he He took the gun out of my hand.
He took the gun out of my hand.
It's a long story.
I can't go into it Hi, Danny.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN] I thought I'd make us some blueberry pancakes this morning.
Oh, I love blueberry pancakes.
Reminds me of my childhood in Pittsburgh.
Not that we actually grew blueberries in Pittsburgh.
Nothing actually grows in Pittsburgh, but I always wanted blueberry pancakes.
I can't Hello? They hung up.
Hi, big brother.
Hey, little brother.
Cooking breakfast, Burt? Yep.
Well, I hope your cooking here is more successful than it is upstairs.
What are you talking about? Just a little something I found in your bathroom this morning.
The Cookbook of Sex.
For a second there, Burt, I thought that the Happy Hooker and the Galloping Gourmet had decided to collaborate.
Just give me the book.
I couldn't help but browse.
You know how I love to cook.
I figured I could find all sorts of wonderful things I could do with a duck.
Quack, quack.
Sit down and eat your breakfasts.
If anyone's interested, I've thought it over and I have definitely decided to go ahead with the sex-change operation.
[LAUGHING] He's starting with that sex-change stuff again.
Could we talk about this later? People are eating.
There's nothing to talk about.
I start the shots next week.
What shots? The hormone shots.
My hips will become rounded.
[DANNY LAUGHING] My facial hair will fall out.
Oh, what a sense of humour.
I mean, this guy would actually go out and get those shots if he thought it would make us laugh.
Shots! I love it.
We'll talk about this later.
Burt, remember, 2:00 today.
Oh, I can't.
I can't today, Mary.
I can't.
The bricklayers are coming tomorrow, and the guys haven't finished pouring the foundation yet.
I mean, the foundation doesn't get poured, bricks don't get laid.
Bricks? The man's worried about bricks? Burt, Dr.
Medlow is a very busy man.
This is the only appointment he could give us.
We can't cancel.
All right, all right, all right.
The Dr.
Medlow? Knock it off.
You don't know him.
Oh, not personally.
I've never had the need to consult a sex psychiatrist.
He happens to be a dermatologist.
Oh, come on, Burt.
I know what Dr.
Medlow does.
And what you don't.
Oh, I'm gonna And I'm the one who should see a psychiatrist? Mary, those two boys are on a banana boat.
You got one son about to buy his first bra and another who thinks that's hysterical.
And I'm the one you want to take to a psychiatrist.
Come on, darling.
I'm sure Dr.
Medlow will get to the bottom of the problem in no time.
And it'll turn out to be a simple thing.
You'll see.
Simple thing.
A simple thing.
I mean, I should go to a psychiatrist to find out why I'm impotent? I know why I'm impotent.
I'm impotent because every time I go to make love to you, I see before me the face of your dead husband.
The man I murdered.
I mean, just see something like that and then try to get in the mood.
Now I'm gonna pay a psychiatrist to find out what I already know, which I'm hiding.
All right, give me a break, will you? [STAMMERING] Damn.
[] Claire, would you stop? Claire, I cannot talk now.
No, I will not come with you to the furrier.
I have to go to the decorators with Jessica.
No, I don't care what kind of fur it is.
Don't threaten me.
I'll, uh I'll see you in half an hour.
Of course I care.
Yes, I care.
My, my, my.
Benson, what is that supposed to mean? Just what I said.
"My, my, my.
" Chester, are you ready to go, dear? Jessica.
Yes? You didn't hear? What? You mean you slept right through it? You didn't hear me moan all night? Oh, no, Chester.
I am sorry.
I was sleeping.
I thought I was dying, Jessica.
From what? From? Mm.
From my arm.
[BENSON CHUCKLES] Well, Chester, what's the matter with it? Well, look.
It looks perfectly normal, I know, but it won't go up.
I cannot raise my arm, Jessica.
So I can't go with you.
Of course not, Chester.
I mean, you have to go to the doctor right away.
Tate? Well, siree, will you look at that? A miracle.
Oh, darling, You're cured.
Benson has cured you.
No, he hasn't, Jessica.
He hasn't at all.
Because, you see, now I can't lower my arm.
Well, you can't drive like that.
Maybe Mrs.
Tate should take you to the doctor.
You're absolutely right, Benson.
Chester? No, no, I'll be fine.
I have power steering.
I can drive with one hand.
Oh, yeah? Well, what are you gonna do with that arm? I will stick it through the sunroof, Benson.
[] But you see her all the time.
I told you, it's a front.
I mean, the girl means nothing to me.
It's for my image.
Well, Dennis, if it's for your image, you made a lousy choice.
I mean, nobody wears their hair in a beehive anymore.
Oh, my God.
What? A reporter? No, my cousin.
Listen, you'd better go and don't turn around.
How can I go without turning around? The door's behind me.
I don't know.
You're the football player.
Oh, my God.
My cousin's here.
You'd better go.
Well, this is a surprise.
Yes, yes.
Are you alone, or can I join you? Oh, no, please sit down.
I'm alone.
That's funny.
I thought you were with somebody.
That guy? No.
That was just some weirdo who tried to pick me up.
But weren't you with? No, no, no.
Same thing.
Some weirdo tried to pick me up.
It's funny, Eunice, that guy you were with looked exactly like Congressman It wasn't.
I could have sworn No.
But the guy you were with looked exactly like that football player No, no, no.
Well, ye No.
Yes, it looks like him.
No, it wasn't.
So you come all the way out to Union City, New Jersey for lunch often? Yes.
It's the food.
I love the food here.
They make the most marvellous chef's salad.
And you? We're thinking of shooting a commercial here.
I was out scouting locations and stuff.
Thank you.
I was starving.
Do you want your lunches here, sir, or at your table? I'll have my lunches here, please.
Thank you.
Four chef's salads and two people.
What's wrong with this picture? That was Congressman McCallam, wasn't it, hm? Well, I'm covering his campaign and I was interviewing him.
You gonna tell me he holds hands with Woodward and Bernstein too? Jodie, please don't tell anyone.
I'm gonna tell? My whole life's a secret.
That was.
That was Dennis Phillips, the quarterback, wasn't it? So it's you and the congressman.
You and the quarterback.
Wonderful, isn't it? Well, now, plus which Walter's married, so we have to be very careful.
Oh, we don't? You think Dennis takes me to the Touchdown Club dinners as his date? "Hey, fellas, I want you to meet" Well, at least you get to be with him.
With Walter's campaign, I don't even get to see him anymore.
Do you know how hard training camp is? I mean, the man comes home exhausted.
Plus which, now he's seeing a girl.
A girl? Walter's got a wife.
Eunice, do you realise, in the 20-odd years of knowing each other, that this is the first time that we've talked? Well, I never knew you were nice.
I never knew you were.
When we were younger, I used to hate you.
You used to steal my clothes.
You had such nice things.
Well, listen, you have a few minutes? I mean, it's been so long since I've had anyone to talk to.
And it's incredible.
We have something in common.
Yeah, we both date guys.
[] [] Uh-uh.
I'm not saying one word, Mary.
I want you to know that.
Wonderful, Burt.
We're going to pay a psychiatrist $50 an hour.
We'll play 20 questions.
Look at this place.
Look at it.
It's for lunatics.
What are you talking about, Burt? It's a perfectly nice, normal office.
Perfectly normal? Look at this.
Sexual Perversion, Fact or Fiction? Normal? Sexuality in lnfancy.
Oh, that's nice.
I like that a lot.
The Frigid Woman.
The Impotent Male.
That's it.
I'm leaving.
Come on, Burt.
Medlow has a wonderful reputation.
He's an M.
, for God's sake.
? In his case, it means "mentally deranged.
" Mary, look at this place.
The man is sick.
Burt, what are you talking about? Well, just look.
Don't you see it? I see some nice, contemporary furniture.
A ficus he's killing by over-watering.
No, the man is sick, Mary.
And I'm leaving.
You hear me? He's sick, Mary.
Sick, sick, sick I was just saying how sick I was of sitting.
So I thought I would try standing, and now I'm kind of sick of standing.
So I think I'll try some walking.
Burt Walking has gotten me fed up already, so I think I'll just try more sitting.
I'm Dr.
Medlow, and you're Mr.
and Mrs.
Murray Fleischman.
Burt! I don't understand.
My file says "Mary and Burt Campbell.
" That's it.
Why don't we all sit down? You had to give him our real name? So, what brings you here? Well Nothing.
Campbell? We're having a problem.
No, we're not.
It's not a problem.
I see.
Campbell, what is this problem that you're having that Mr.
Campbell doesn't have? Oh, I don't have a problem.
Burt has the problem.
It's not a problem.
All right.
What is this problem that you don't have that she thinks you have? Ha.
Well, it's The man's a total stranger, Mary.
He can't have sex with me.
Ah! Wonderful.
A perfect stranger.
Tell the world, Mary.
Let's put an ad in the newspaper.
Or better yet, let's put it in the yellow pages under "Burt.
" And how long has this been going on? Two days.
Burt! Well, not long.
Six months.
Campbell, I realise you're embarrassed by this, but let me reassure you, this is a very common problem.
Everyone, absolutely everyone, has this problem at one time or another in their life.
Everyone? Oh, absolutely.
And many things can bring it on.
Fear, worry, medication, financial problems, something in one's past, guilt.
And everyone experiences it.
I've had it.
You have? Yes.
What caused it? Well, in my case, it was a Playboy bunny.
Just a weekend.
Now, there are a variety of ways to treat this problem, depending, of course, on the reason for the problem.
Sometimes, a few sessions of talking is all it takes.
Other times, when the problem's a little deeper, we try a regular form of therapy, a change in one's life.
Sometimes we bring in a sexual surrogate and A sexual surrogate? A woman very experienced in the art of lovemaking who helps a man regain his confidence in himself.
Now, that isn't Are they good-looking? Burt! I beg your pardon? Well, I mean, how old are they? Burt! Well, Mary, wait a second.
The man's a doctor.
I don't think that that has anything to do He's an M.
, for goodness' sake.
Let's just listen to what the man has to say.
Is there a choice? You got pictures? [] Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
Yes, my child.
It's been two months since my last confession.
Yes, child.
I have been with five men.
Corinne? Somebody's asked me to move in with him.
Corinne, enough.
To live in sin.
That's it.
I'm putting my fingers in my ears.
I won't listen.
Why? I can confess.
Corinne, you're not even Catholic.
What has that got to do with it? I asked you not to come here.
But I can't stand not seeing you, Tim.
I just can't stand it.
No! Don't do that! No, don't do that.
Please, Tim.
Go back in there.
Come on, go.
You know why I've sinned, Tim.
It's because I can't have you.
Why won't you see me? I'm a priest, Corinne.
But you're still a man.
I took a vow.
Ministers do it.
Why can't you? Is this a test? Tim, remember the first time you kissed me? Remember? I still get goosebumps when I think about it.
Corinne, that was in the 5th grade.
You loved me.
In high school, you told me you loved me.
In high school, I was also a member of the Purple Avengers and swallowed goldfish.
You love me and I love you, so why can't we be together? It's not fair.
Because he won't allow it.
Don't be ridiculous.
I mean, what did you do, have a personal conversation with him and he said, "No, Tim, no whoopee"? Corinne, Corinne, we're talking about God here.
Oh, come on.
What's he gonna do? Smite you with his terrible swift sword? Joke, she's joking.
All right.
All right, I'll leave you alone.
I won't tempt you.
Aw, you've made the choice for me.
I'm gonna go live with that man, Tim.
And I will be with that man.
And I will do with that man Oh, God.
What? I said, "Go with God.
" Is that all? Is that all you have to say to me? Tim? For your penance, say two rosaries every morning for the next two, three years.
What, are you crazy? I'm not even Catholic.
[] Now, let me see if I understood this.
You said we can't see each other anymore, right? That's right.
And we can't see each other anymore because someone is moving in with you? That's right.
Someone is moving in.
I love it.
A man who has his mattress replaced every 10 days is making a commitment.
Gee, you're taking this so well.
Please, don't be upset.
Upset? Don't be silly.
Guys like you are a dime a dozen.
Look, it's gonna be better for you anyway.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Gosh! It's Corinne.
Look, baby, I'm sorry.
We'll talk about this more.
Maybe we can work something out, okay? Yeah.
Well, thanks for nothing.
What, are you crazy? I'm not going out there.
That 400-pound blimp on the tennis court is my brother-in-law.
The man hates me.
Do you know how he'd love seeing this? He'd be on the phone with my husband in a second.
Go in the bathroom for a second.
Jessica? Hello, Peter.
May I come in? I have an appointment.
Thank you, Peter.
Peter, this is not going to be easy, so I'm going to do it as quickly as possible.
It's over between us.
Oh, gee.
I'm leaving you, Peter.
Now, it should never have happened, you know.
Well, of course, it did happen, but it is never going to happen again.
And Peter, I'm I'm sorry if your heart is breaking.
Well Your shower just went on.
[SHOWER RUNNING] Oh, right, I know.
It does that.
Goes on by itself all the time.
You know, plumbing.
Well, as I was saying, Peter I know, Jess.
It's over.
Yes, and I'm sorry.
I mean, I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry if I've hurt you.
[SHOWER STOPS] I'm sorry It just went off.
What? Your shower.
It just went off.
Oh, I know.
It does that too.
Someone in Connecticut flushes their toilet, my shower goes off.
You know, sometimes I'm left with soap all over my body.
Peter, will you ever forgive me? Oh, I do.
I do.
I forgive you.
I really do.
Oh, dear sweet boy, standing there, whom I've just left with a broken heart and a shower that doesn't work.
Goodbye, Peter.
I'll always remember you.
Mother! Corinne! Corinne, this is not what you think it is.
What do you think it is? This is really the limit, Mother.
When I was 8, you took away my cap pistol.
And when I was 13, you took away my eye shadow.
But this PETER: Corinne, wait! Oh, my God.
Oh, God, how could this happen? I always tried to be good.
I took care of my family, served on committees, I read to the blind.
And now.
Now I've had an affair with my step-nephew.
Or is he my nephew by marriage? Let's see.
No, wait, he's my sister's second husband's son, so that makes him my step-nephew by marriage.
Is that right? What does it matter? Whoever he is, he's in love with my daughter.
And I mean, she isn't even my daughter.
She's the illegitimate daughter of Oh, my God.
Tate? Hello, Mrs.
I Well, I didn't know you were here.
Where were you? In the bathroom.
Oh? Cleaning.
Cleaning? Yes, I was cleaning.
I know this may sound silly, Mrs.
Tate, but I love to clean.
I just love it.
And ever since my husband got me a maid, I have nothing to clean anymore.
I see.
What are you doing here? Me? Mm-hm.
Uh, decorating.
Decorating? Yes.
Oh, I just love to decorate.
And, of course, my house is already decorated, and this poor boy's apartment is just awful.
Cleaning? Goodbye, Mrs.
Goodbye, Mrs.
[] ANNOUNCER: Will Corinne ever leave Father Tim alone? Will Corinne ever forgive her mother for Peter? Will Corinne ever forgive Peter for her mother? Now that Jodie is going to become his boyfriend's girlfriend, will his boyfriend get rid of his girlfriend? Since Burt seems unwilling to talk, will the psychiatrist ever be able to cure his impotency? Since Danny seems to be a klutz, will he ever be able to kill Burt? Will Burt be cured or killed? These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
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