Soap (1977) s01e06 Episode Script

Episode 6

1 [] ANNOUNCER: This is the story of two sisters.
Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change if she could is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbell's don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
[] ANNOUNCER: In last week's episode of Soap: Danny once again tried to kill Burt, but couldn't.
Corinne tried to talk Father Timothy Flotsky into leaving the church and going with her, but couldn't.
Unable to have the only man she ever wanted Corinne decided to go ahead and move in with Peter.
Meanwhile, Jessica was telling Peter she could never see him again.
Corinne walked in and found her mother kissing Peter.
Little did she know her mother was kissing him off.
Corinne, unable to have Father Tim the man she wants, can't live with him and finding the man she has with her mother, can't live at home.
And since she has to live somewhere she decides to move in with Peter anyway.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] All right, Billy.
Enough is enough.
Two days locked up in your room because Molly broke up with you is plenty.
But I can't go back.
I can't face the kids.
What do you plan to do with your life? I don't know.
Join the circus and become a clown.
And all because of some little girl? She's not some little girl.
We were going steady.
Then she left me for a junior.
Well, why don't you fight for her? Win her back.
Dad, come on.
I can't compete.
He's 6'1" and drives a convertible.
I'm a midget with a Schwinn.
Well, what is she, the only girl in the world? Billy, do you know how many girls there are out there? They're all over the place.
Thousands, millions of them, Beautiful, wonderful, glorious, volup Lots of girls.
Yeah, but I want Molly.
That's only because you can't have Molly.
Billy, let me tell you a story.
During the war, this guy Herbie and I became friends.
Well, Herbie fell in love with a wonderful Italian girl, Carla.
Thinking of Carla was what got him through the war.
Well, Carla died, and Herbie nearly fell apart.
He stayed in, drank.
I've never seen anyone so miserable.
And then one day Herbie came to me and he said: "Chet, life must go on.
" And Herbie went on.
A few years later, he fell in love with another woman, married her, and they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon, and she ran off with a steel band.
But Herbie went on.
He married again, and this time, at the wedding reception, his bride left him for the caterer.
But still, Herbie went on.
His next wife ran off with his partner, who ran off with his business.
But still, Herbie went on.
Because you see, Billy, he knew that there's a whole world out there.
He knew that somewhere, around some corner, he would find happiness.
Wow.
I feel like a jerk.
I mean, look at Herbie, a lifetime of disasters.
I had a week with a 13-year-old shrimp who lisps and I'm gonna throw my life away? Thanks, Dad.
Good boy.
I'll see you at breakfast.
Hey, Dad, where's Herbie now? Oh, he's, uh, in a mental institution.
What? Yes.
He just sits in a corner, talks in numbers and makes lovely baskets.
But I thought Well, I thought he always goes on? Well, Billy, please.
There's just so much going on that a man can do.
[] Are you going to tell Mr.
Tate that Corinne is moving in with Peter? Because if you are, that's two places I won't have to set no more.
No, Benson, only one place, Corinne's.
Two.
Because when Mr.
Tate finds out, it's gonna kill him.
Good morning.
Good morning.
JESSICA: Good morning, Chester.
Benson.
I asked for a three-minute egg.
That is a three-minute egg.
This egg is raw.
Well, what did you expect when you ask for an egg in three minutes? I got to get it out of the refrigerator, get it onto a plate, get it all the way in here.
You want it cooked, then you gotta give me 10 minutes.
I have an announcement to make.
Uh Corinne is not here.
I think that we can see that, Jessica.
Well, yes, of course you can, Chester, because her seat is empty.
Where is she? Corinne is moving.
Moving? Where? Where? Where is she moving? Oh, Chester, that is a good question.
Corinne is moving into an apartment that she's gonna share with someone.
Oh, well, I'm not surprised.
Not yet.
I'm sure she's at an age when she wants to be on her own.
And she's going to have a roommate? Yes, dear.
Good.
I really don't want her living alone.
Do we know the girl's family? Yes, yes, we do.
We know the family really quite well.
As a matter of fact, we're almost related.
Good.
Good.
Who is it? Billy, run upstairs and get Mother something.
Why can't anybody ever talk in front of me? I mean, I walk into a room and conversation stops.
I went around for years thinking a surprise party was being planned for me.
Well, I'm not leaving, Mom.
I'm not missing this.
Jessica, who is the girl? What girl, Chester? The girl Corinne will be living with.
The girl? Oh, the girl.
Oh, look, here's Corinne.
I told Daddy that you were moving, dear.
Who is she moving in with? And Daddy thinks that's nice.
Isn't that nice, dear? Things are so much nicer when people think they're nice.
Don't you think so? I think so.
You didn't tell him who I was moving in with? No.
I'm moving in with Peter.
Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her Put her in a pumpkin shell, [BOTH CHANTING] and there he kept her very well Oh.
I love that one.
Don't you, Daddy? [JESSICA GIGGLING] Corinne, what are you saying? Say [SINGING "SAY IT ISN'T SO"] All right, stop! [SINGING "STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE"] Shut up, Benson.
[CONTINUES SINGING] All right, Corinne, one more time.
[SINGING "SAY IT ISN'T SO"] I said, I'm moving in with Peter.
Peter.
Who's Peter? Peter Campbell, the tennis pro.
That's it? That's the big thing? I thought it would be something good.
Um I'm sorry, Daddy.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, Major.
Yeah, all right.
Goodbye, Benson.
Corinne, if you need anything, you call me, okay? Yeah.
But don't bring your laundry around here, because I ain't gonna do it.
That's it? You're just going to sit there while our daughter throws her life away? Well, Chester, I don't know what else to do.
Get her back.
How? Well, you'd better think of something, Jessica because my blood pressure's already red-lined it.
All I have to do is stand up, and I will have a cerebral haemorrhage on the spot.
Simon says, "Stand up.
" [] [KNOCKING ON DOOR] What's going on, Corinne? Nothing.
Nothing? You're upstairs packing, Mother's downstairs crying, and nothing's going on? I don't want to talk about it.
You know, it's funny, Corinne.
All these years I couldn't wait for one of us to move out of the house and now you are and I'm kind of sad.
It's better this way.
Well, tell me, Corinne.
I can't.
Are you in love? Eunice, I can't talk about it.
You wouldn't understand.
I would understand.
I'm in love.
You're in love? But you never go out.
Who are you in love with, United Parcel? Corinne, you're just gonna have to take my word for it.
I can't tell you who it is.
It's very complicated.
Complicated, please, you don't know from complicated.
Believe me, if you knew who was involved in my situation, you'd faint.
If you knew who was involved in mine, you'd drop dead.
All right, Corinne.
All right.
I happen to be in love with a public figure.
Peanuts.
A married A married public figure.
Zip.
All right, Corinne.
I'm in love with Congressman Walter McCallam.
Hmph.
Top that.
I could.
But I can't tell you.
Well, I knew you couldn't.
Mine's bigger.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
A married congressman? Right.
How do you like this one? I'm moving in with Peter Campbell [SCOFFS THEN CHUCKLES] who's also having an affair with Mother.
[LAUGHING] Corinne, you're not allowed to lie.
It's the truth.
Mother? Our mother? The mother downstairs? Jessica? The redhead? That's the one.
You win.
I can't believe it.
I mean, it took me 20 years to believe she did it with Daddy.
Oh, isn't this nice.
Oh, I just love this.
All the Tate women are gathered here together.
Well, you two probably have a lot to talk about.
Yes.
No.
Uh, you two have a lot not to talk about, in which case I'll still leave.
Corinne.
You know, Corinne, in life, people make mistakes.
Little mistakes and big mistakes.
And I made a big mistake.
Well, actually, I made a huge mistake and I am sorry.
I You have no idea how terribly sorry I am.
But you see, I thought if I told you what a mistake I had made, and how sorry I was, that it would make everything all right.
But, uh, now that I'm hearing it, I realise that it's just not enough.
And I guess it probably won't be enough for a long time to come.
But I still want to say it.
I am sorry.
I'm a mother and I know you You think I should have known better.
But Corinne, knowing better doesn't always work out.
So I'm sorry.
But I guess I'm I'm sorry about a lot of things in my life.
But most of all, I'm sorry for what's happened between us.
I'm going to miss you.
[CRYING] Goodbye, Corinne.
[] [] I've ruined my marriage I've ruined my life, Corinne's left home and it's all because I took tennis lessons.
Okay, Jess.
Let's just take one thing at a time.
What happened, from the beginning? Well, it all started two months ago when Chester gave me a tennis racket.
I don't know why he gave me a tennis racket.
I never said I wanted one.
I may have mentioned I wanted a Cuisinart but I never once mentioned that I wanted a tennis racket.
Oh, Mary, have you got a Cuisinart? They are wonderful.
You can just throw your knives away.
You'll never have to chop food again.
What happened, Jess? When I first got mine, all the food turned to mush Jessica.
What happened? Oh, well Well, Chester gave me this tennis racket and I didn't want to appear ungrateful, Mary.
So I had to take tennis lessons.
And because I took tennis lessons, I met Peter.
And because I met Peter, [WHISPERING] I slept with him.
Because I slept with him, [IN NORMAL VOICE] now Chester's probably gonna find out.
And when Chester finds out, my entire life is gonna be ruined.
And it's all because Chester gave me a tennis racket.
This is actually Chester's fault.
Mary? Mary, Mary, have I got news.
I just got this cable at work.
My son, Chuck, is coming here from Hawaii.
Burt, this is signed "Chuck and Bob.
" Who's Bob? Oh, it's nobody.
Well, he's obviously somebody, Burt because he's coming and he doesn't eat meat.
Who doesn't eat meat? Bob.
Who's Bob? I don't know.
Somebody who's coming with Chuck.
Who's Chuck? Burt's son.
Who's Bob? I don't even know who Chuck is.
Who's Bob? It's a dummy.
Burt, I didn't ask you for his IQ, I asked you who he was.
A dummy.
Well, your son Peter's no genius, either.
Where's Peter? He's a dummy.
But he's sweet, Burt.
No, no, no, Bob.
Bob's a dummy.
You know, a little wooden doll.
A wooden doll? Let me get this straight.
Your son, Chuck, is coming here from Hawaii with Bob, his little wooden doll.
Right.
And you thought I had problems? Come on, come on.
I got him Bob when he was a little kid.
Bob? Bob, yeah.
Well, yeah, see, we don't refer to him as a dummy because it kind of upsets Chuck.
Not to mention driving Bob completely crazy.
No, now, he's had Bob all his life.
He took him everywhere.
He took him to school, to camp, into the Army He took a doll into the Army? At least he could get into the Army.
Special services, Vietnam.
They entertained the troops.
I'm sure they did.
Hey, hey, hey.
He won a medal.
Who? Chuck or Bob? Chuck.
Mary, I have to go now.
I have to go and see what new disaster's befallen me.
Well, goodbye, Burt.
I am so happy that two more of your sons are coming.
One son.
The other's a dummy.
Well, smart or dumb, they're your children and you love them.
[] [SPEAKING IN LATIN] Tim? [CONTINUES SPEAKING IN LATIN] I had to come, Tim.
I had to see you one last time.
I moved in with that man I told you about.
But I had to see you once more and tell you how I feel.
I love you, Tim.
I know it's crazy to want you.
I mean, people would say, "Why him? Why Tim? He's not that terrific-looking.
" I mean, you're cute, Tim, but face it, you're no Al Pacino.
And who knows what your body is like under that outfit.
Look at you, you go around wearing a little black dress.
But I still want you.
Tim, please? I'll leave him.
Come with me.
I know you want to.
If you left, God would understand.
He's seen a lot.
He's millions of years old.
What do you think there is that he hasn't seen? No, huh? Tim, could you stop praying for just a minute? It's making me kind of crazy.
Okay, fine.
It doesn't matter, you won't drown me out.
You're gonna hear this before I leave forever.
I will stay with this man, Tim, but I will always think of you.
When he takes me in his arms, I'll pretend it's you.
And when he whispers my name, I'll pretend it's you.
And when I'm with him, I'll pretend it's you.
So that's it, Tim.
All the praying in the world will not stop me from loving you.
Goodbye, Tim.
I love you.
Father Tim? Father Tim.
Take it easy.
God is not deaf.
[] Godfather? GODFATHER: Over here, Danny.
Over here.
Godfather? Ah.
Here I am, Danny.
Danny, I'm in the middle of a catastrophe.
This is my only healthy tomato plant.
Look.
[MUTTERING] You know what this is here? Uh-uh.
Tomato bugs.
These bugs live for only one thing in life: Destroying tomato plants.
Hey, nice work, huh? Aye.
What I want to know is this: In the middle of the largest city in the world, where there is no agriculture to speak of, on the roof of a 20-storey building, how they know there's tomatoes here, huh? I don't know.
Eh.
Hey, maybe there was a couple of bugs on a farm somewhere in the Midwest, and one bug said to the other bug: "Hey, let's go see what's doing in Manhattan, huh?" [LAUGHING] That's not funny, Danny.
These tomatoes are dying.
These tomato plants are dying and I can't save them.
Oh, Danny, I've been reading the obituaries the last few days and I look, and I look, and never do I see the name of Burt Campbell.
And I ask myself, "Hey, why don't I see this name?" Well, uh, it's because he's not dead yet.
Ah.
Well, that certainly clears up the mystery, eh? I was thinking that probably was it.
Yeah, that was it.
What are you waiting for, Danny, huh? He should die of old age? Godfather, I just don't know how to do it.
You don't have to be an engineer, Danny.
You take the gun.
You point it.
You pull the trigger.
Be nice if he was in the room.
So, Danny, you be a nice boy, huh? You go home and kill Burt.
Godfather, I just can't do it.
Look, I know you said in order for me to leave I had to do you a favour.
Yeah.
Okay, but couldn't you give me something else to do? Oh, my.
What did you have in mind, Danny? You wanna clean out my garage? You wanna simonise the limousine? A deal's a deal, Danny.
Besides, it's out of my hands now.
I'm sorry.
Mr.
Lefkowitz wants it done.
Well, couldn't I talk to Mr.
Lefkowitz? No way.
Please, Danny.
Lefkowitz talks to nobody, nobody.
Mr.
Lefkowitz doesn't even talk to Mrs.
Lefkowitz.
First of all, you can't pry him away from his cockamamie stamp collecti Godfather, I can't do it.
I just can't do it.
All right, Danny.
You listen to me now, eh? Come over here.
This is your last chance.
You take this key.
This is a key to a remote cabin in the woods where, in the next two days, you will kill Burt.
You invite him to go fishing with you Fishing? Well, if you tell him the real reason I don't think he's gonna wanna go, eh? All right.
In the cabin, there's a fireplace.
In the chimney of the fireplace, there's a gun.
The body, you just leave there, and we'll take care of it.
Danny? Wait.
You're such a handsome boy, nice-looking, you know.
I don't want to see your body in Brooklyn, your face in the Bronx.
That would upset me.
Godfather, I just can't do it.
GODFATHER: You just destroyed my only healthy tomato plant.
And you seriously injured my doorman.
I think you can kill Burt.
[] [] ANNOUNCER: Will Corinne find happiness with Peter? Will Jessica find happiness without Peter? Will Corinne find happiness without Father Tim? Will Father Tim find happiness, or will Corinne drive him crazy? Will Danny invite Burt to the woods to kill him? Will Burt's other son, Chuck, and his little wooden doll, Bob, arrive from Hawaii? And if they do, will Burt live to see them? These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
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