Soap (1977) s01e08 Episode Script

Episode 8

1 [] ANNOUNCER: This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
[] ANNOUNCER: In last week's episode of Soap, another of Burt's sons, Chuck, and Bob, his wooden doll, arrive from Hawaii.
Much to their horror, the Campbells discover that Chuck believes Bob is really real.
Although he really isn't real, he is real obnoxious.
Claire told Chester she was going to tell Jessica everything but Chester didn't believe her.
Much to Chester's surprise, Claire did tell Jessica everything.
Only Jessica didn't believe her, or did she? Following the godfather's orders, Danny invited Burt to a cabin in the woods in order to kill him.
Burt thought he was going in order to fish.
Imagine his surprise when he found a pistol pointed at his head.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
We begin this week's episode of Soap where we left off: with Danny about to kill Burt.
You're gonna kill me? You're joking, right? I mean, hey, I mean, of course you're joking.
No? What? No? You mean you're actually going to kill me? I'm having a lot of trouble believing this, but, um Danny? Uh, now, listen, Danny, if If you're really gonna kill me, could you at least tell me why? You killed my father.
That could do it.
Well, that explains the gun.
Now the gun makes sense.
To tell you the truth, I'm relieved.
Yeah, really.
You know what it's like trying to keep a secret like this? The guilt, the nightmares I have to do it, Burt.
No, I want you to know that I have to do this.
I don't really want to, no matter what you did.
But I have to, otherwise they'll kill me.
Hey, Danny, it's okay.
Don't worry.
I mean, what kind of a choice is that? You or me.
Naturally, you're gonna pick me.
I mean, don't feel bad about it.
Well, I just wanted you to know.
So are we gonna do this now or wait a while or what? Let's do it now.
I wanna get it over with.
This and a dentist are two things I don't like thinking about for too long.
Wait, uh.
Do you mind if I sit? No.
I think I'd like to sit down.
That way I won't have so far to fall.
Uh, Danny, if I'm sitting down, you have to lower the gun, otherwise you're gonna hit the wall.
This is very hard for me, Burt.
You think it's easy for me? No, but I have to pull the trigger.
Hey, I'm the one that's getting shot here.
But I'm gonna have to live with it.
Yeah, but I'll be dead.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] Danny, you ever shoot before? No.
Too bad.
Okay, don't worry, now, look, just line me up on the sight.
It's the little bump on the end there.
Just Bye, Danny.
Bye, Burt.
No! I can't do it.
Ahh! All right.
All right.
Give me the gun.
I'll shoot myself.
I'm not giving you the gun.
You don't do it, they're gonna kill you.
Come on, shoot to kill.
Danny, listen to me.
If they kill you, your mother's never gonna survive it.
You're her little boy.
I'm just her husband.
Her first husband got killed.
She's used to it.
Danny, okay, all right.
Now, don't panic,.
Now, come on, we'll We'll make believe We'll make believe it's a game, okay? We'll make believe that we're in a shooting gallery and I'm one of those bears, okay? And I'll move around like a bear does.
Forget it, Burt.
Come on.
No way in the world am I gonna shoot you.
Danny, if they want me dead, they're gonna kill me.
At least do it and get credit for it.
They don't care about you dead.
They need something on me.
I'm gonna have to hide out.
All right.
Now, you're gonna need money.
I'll give you some.
I got some saved.
I'm not taking your money, Burt.
Uh, Danny, we're not discussing it.
Yes, you are.
No way.
Hey, Danny, give me a break.
Take my money or kill me.
One or the other.
I'll take some money.
I don't know what I'm gonna tell Ma.
I can't tell her the truth.
No, no, she'd be worried sick, Plus, once she knows the whole story she's not gonna be too thrilled with me, either.
A murderer.
Don't worry.
I'd never tell her.
The godfather told me the whole thing.
I know why you did it.
Thanks, Danny.
Come on.
Let's go.
On the way home, we'll make up a story to tell your mother.
Oh, now, Danny, if they're out there, and they see us walk out together, they're gonna figure out you didn't do it and they're gonna kill both of us.
So let me go first.
They'll never suspect anything.
[] Mary, I mean, I don't understand.
If it's a doll and it's his doll, how can he think it's real? He does, I swear.
It's got its own bed.
I had to serve it dinner.
Last night I had to make fish because it doesn't eat meat.
Why doesn't it eat meat? Jessica, it doesn't eat.
And the fighting that's always going on.
Chuck and the dummy are always arguing.
Mary, I mean, that is ridiculous.
I mean, if he's gonna have a doll, he should have one he gets along with.
Here they come.
Listen to me, "they.
" I'm getting as crazy as everyone else.
Chuck, I'd like you to meet my sister, Jessica Tate.
Jessie, this is Chuck Campbell.
And Bob.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] How do you do? Hello, Bob.
Big ones.
[CHUCK CLEARS THROAT] Hey, Cookie, you forget something? I'm dying to see how he eats it.
Oh, God, I really need this.
I really need eggs like rocks this morning.
Hey, sweetheart, it's about these little yellow boulders on my plate here.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Uh, Mary, Bob's eggs are too hard.
He really wanted over-easy.
Now, listen, Chuck.
Enough is enough.
I am not making any more eggs, and that's final.
That I make eggs in the first place for a dum Doll that doesn't eat is crazy.
So if you expect me to make them again, forget it.
Okay, that's it.
Call United Airlines.
I want the first flight out of here.
Just calm down, Bob.
This is my family.
Of course, how else can anyone explain you? Now, let's not Boys, enough, Stop it.
"Stop it," she says.
Who do you think started this, pussycat? You and your rotten eggs.
You know, Mary, he's right.
In fact, you've been creating tension between us ever since we got here.
Can't you stand to see two people getting along? I have not.
That is not true.
That I don't believe this.
I'm defending myself to a dummy.
Mary, if, please, I may say something.
I was here and I heard you.
You did refuse to serve him.
[] [KNOCKING ON DOOR] Come on in.
Hey, what are you doing? I gotta go away for a while.
Where? A little trip.
You're in trouble.
I'm not in trouble.
It's a business trip.
Hey, come on, Danny.
I know what business you're in.
We'll get a lawyer, we'll go to the police.
If we go to the police, I'll be in jail when they kill me.
If we get a lawyer, I'll be broke when they kill me.
Forget it.
I gotta go.
Danny, I think there's something we should talk about before you go.
How do you fold a jacket? Give it to me.
Danny, when you come back, you might have a sister.
What're you talking about? Few days, I check into the hospital for the sex-change operation.
Come on, Jodie.
I'm in no mood for jokes now.
I'm serious.
Come on.
Knock it off, will you? Danny, it's no joke.
I'm gay.
[LAUGHS] You never quit, do you? Hey, face Face facts, will you, Danny? I'm a homosexual.
It's the truth.
I'm gay.
Hand me those pants.
Danny, don't make this difficult for me.
I mean, what you're doing is saying you can't accept me if I'm gay.
You're not gay.
I am.
That's ridiculous.
How can you be gay? I mean, we're brothers, and I'm not gay, so you're not gay.
Anyway, you're too good in sports.
Danny, that has nothing to do with it.
You're not gay.
Danny, have you ever seen me out with a girl? Hm? Have you? You're not gay.
You're shy.
That's it, you're shy.
Now hand me those shirts.
Danny You are not gay.
You are not gay.
I don't want you to be gay and you're not.
So shut up and hand me those shirts.
Why? I don't know why.
I just am.
Maybe you're not.
I mean, how can you be sure? I'm in love with Dennis Phillips, the quarterback.
Is that it? Is that the proof? For god's sakes, Jodie, I'm crazy about Joe Namath.
I idolise Mean Joe Green.
I'd give anything to We're lovers, Danny.
Dennis Phillips is gay? Boy, this is a lot for one day.
Danny, what's the big deal, huh? I mean, now that you know, am I any different? We're not friends anymore? You don't look gay.
I'm still me.
Hey, I'm still the Jodie who plays tennis with you.
I'm still the Jodie who bowls with you, still the Jodie who laughs with you.
And I'm still the Jodie who counts on you.
You're probably not gay.
I am.
And it shouldn't make any difference.
And if it does and you don't love me now because of it then you've never loved me at all.
Look, all these years, I didn't wanna hear it.
I didn't wanna listen to you.
I was afraid if I ever heard it, I couldn't look at you again.
Well, can you? Yeah.
Friends? Are you kidding? Are we still friends? Not only are you gay, you're a jerk.
Thanks, big brother.
You're okay, little brother.
Hey, you know, now that I look, you do walk kind of funny.
[] [] [BURT CLEARS THROAT] Come on, Mary.
Come on, now.
I want you to sit down there.
Over here.
What is it, Burt? Well, now, I asked you all down here because Danny has some really great news and he told me first.
Isn't that something? [SNORING] Will you pipe down? I really needed to be dragged down here in the middle of the night.
What's the news, Burt? Well, now, uh, we all know that Danny's been involved in some very dangerous activity with some very dangerous people.
But he's getting out of all that.
Not that what he's getting into isn't dangerous, but the people he's getting into it with aren't.
Nice people.
Nice bunch of people.
So, what we're getting rid of here is a rotten bunch of people and keeping a little of the danger.
And after all, what is a little dangerous? I mean, crossing the street's a little dangerous, eating eggs is a little dangerous.
Exactly what sort of dangerous work does this nice bunch of people do? Spying, Ma.
What? Spy.
I'm gonna be a spy.
[CHUCKLING] A spy? Right.
[BOB LAUGHING] Bob, quiet.
What are you, crazy? Who becomes a spy? What kind of a job is spying? Well, you see, uh, I was selected.
Selected? Yeah, I was selected by, uh By, uh By, uh Computer, Mom.
The government's doing all these things by computer these days.
See? Very nice.
You'll run around in a trench coat getting shot at.
I love it.
And Mrs.
Baum down the street thought she had a good one when her daughter became a hooker.
Ma, please.
Try and understand.
I don't wanna leave you like this, but I gotta go.
You're leaving now? Mary, there's just so much spying he can do in a living room.
When will I see you again? Do you spy weekends? When will you ever come home? I'll come home whenever I can.
I'll have to be in disguise, though.
In disguise? Right.
I'll be the only mother who gets visits from her son and doesn't know it.
Bye, big brother.
Bye, little brother.
BURT: Take care of yourself.
Bye, Burt.
Bye, Chuck.
Bye, Danny.
Bye, Bob.
Be nice.
Bye, Dan.
Can I have your room? Ma.
Ma, please.
MARY: I can't.
I'm not ready for this.
Honey, it was only yesterday I was changing your diapers.
I swear.
Yesterday I fed you strained beets for the first time and you spit them out at me.
Now you're leaving and I don't know where you're going, or what will happen to you.
Yesterday you were spitting up, today you're spying.
It's hard to make the adjustment.
I'll come home, Ma.
I promise.
As often as I can.
You take care of yourself.
I will.
Do remember to eat.
Listen to this.
I'm telling a spy to eat regular meals.
I'll eat, Ma.
I promise.
MARY: Wait.
I love you.
You're still my baby.
No matter how old you are, you're still my little boy.
When you're 80 years old and putting your teeth in a glass you'll still be my little boy.
I know.
I guess I have to say goodbye now.
Could I say good night instead? It's easier.
Good night, Ma.
Good night, Danny.
[] Goodbye.
No, sir.
No, sirree.
I have served food to people who don't eat it, I have served food to people who throw it but no way am I gonna serve food to a dummy.
But, Benson, he's a guest.
Forget it.
Jessica, Benson has been with us for I don't know how many years, and I have never agreed with him.
Now, though it pains me to say this, he's absolutely right.
I, for one, am going out to dinner.
I'll join you.
CHESTER: All right, Benson.
I feel like Chinks.
You wanna eat Chinks? Chinese food would be fine, Benson.
I know just the place.
Billy, would you like to come to the Chinks with Benson and me? Are you kidding? And miss this? Yeah, a dinner party for a dummy.
Really, Jessica.
JESSICA: Well, Chester, I [DOORBELL RINGS] It's all right, Benson.
I'll get it.
How are you? Come in.
Come in.
Well, my goodness, where are Chuck and Bob? Tell them, Burt.
Well, they're coming.
Didn't they come with you? Yeah, well, sure, of course.
Kind of.
Tell them what happened, Burt.
It's no big deal.
They had a little fight.
And made us stop the car so they could continue in private.
Your son and his dummy are fighting? Yeah.
[LAUGHING] Tell them what they were fighting about, Burt.
Come on.
No, tell them, Burt.
What? Billing.
You know, I mean, the act is called Chuck and Bob, and Bob feels that since he's the main attraction, his name should come first.
I don't believe this.
Well, I don't know.
I can see his point.
I'm sure.
Hello, everyone.
Please accept my apologies.
We had to settle a little something outside.
Oh, that's all right.
I'm just so glad you could come.
Now come right in here and meet everyone.
You'll have to forgive my partner.
He's not talking.
Heh, heh, heh.
Cute, isn't it? Did I exaggerate? JESSICA: Chester, come here, dear.
Come here, Chester.
This is my husband.
Chester, this is Chuck and this is Bob.
That's him? Ha, ha, you've gotta be kidding.
That guy's 80 if he's a day.
[LAUGHING] I hope he's got plenty of money, because that's probably all you're getting from him.
[LAUGHING] Jessica.
Huh? Oh.
Well, uh, let's all have a drink.
Come on now.
Let's go to the bar and have a drink.
Come on.
You'd better open your mouth and say something, cretin, or I'm leaving.
All right, all right.
It stays "Chuck and Bob.
" Chuck and Bob.
You happy now, cretin, huh? Now let's get over to the damn bar.
I'm gonna need a drink to get through this evening.
Excuse me, Granddad.
Scotch and soda, neat.
Hey, sambo, the noon whistle did not blow.
I said, scotch.
One more word and he goes into the fireplace.
[DOORBELL RINGS] JESSICA: I'll get it, Benson.
Yes? Telegram for Mary Campbell.
Oh, I'll take it.
I've got to hand-deliver this.
Oh, Mary? Come in.
MARY: Oh! Hey.
Hey, fella, hey.
Back off.
It's Danny.
It's Danny.
Danny? In disguise.
I just wanted to say hello.
I'm afraid I can't stay.
Is this one of your spying disguises? Yes, Aunt Jessica.
Oh, Danny, it's wonderful.
Nobody in the world would recognise you.
Well, I gotta go now.
I'll come again soon.
JODIE: Bye, Danny.
Goodbye, everyone.
Well, Jessica.
The Campbells come over for a little Tuesday night shootout.
This is the last night they come to dinner.
JESSICA: Shh, Chester.
I've been hit.
I've been hit.
Oh, my God.
Please, somebody.
He's been hit.
Chester, do something, quick.
Call an ambulance, Chester.
Dad, you're calling an ambulance for a dummy? It's a dummy, Dad.
You'll get the purple heart, soldier.
My God.
They're trying to kill Danny.
It's okay, Mom.
He got away.
Mary, don't worry.
He's fine, darling.
Don't die.
I'll do anything.
I'll I'll make it "Bob and Chuck.
" Bob and Chuck? Yes.
It's got a nice ring to it.
Okay, why are we all standing around here with our thumbs up our noses, huh? Are we gonna eat or not? But your wound Just a nick.
A little plastic glue and I'll be okay, yeah.
Oh, I'm so glad you're all right.
Jessica? He's a doll.
I knew you'd like him, Chester.
Come on, everybody, Let's go to dinner.
Come on, honey.
All's well that ends well.
Come on.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I know we all have our crosses to bear, but this is ridiculous.
[] [] ANNOUNCER: Will Mary find out that Danny is running for his life from the mob, or will she continue to believe that he's a spy? Will Mary ever make eggs the way Bob likes them or will the dummy have to go to a coffee shop for breakfast? Will Jodie really become Danny's sister? Will Danny, now that he has to run from the mob, live to see it? These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.