Soap (1977) s01e09 Episode Script

Episode 9

1 [] ANNOUNCER: This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
[] ANNOUNCER: In last week's episode of Soap Danny, unable to kill Burt, now has to run for his life so the Mob won't kill him.
Since this news would kill his mother Danny told her that he was going off to be a spy.
So far, he's managed to fool Mary, but not the Mob.
When Danny appeared in disguise at the Tate dinner party, the Mob tried to kill him.
Fortunately, Danny got away.
Unfortunately, Bob, the dummy, got hit.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
I was never so embarrassed in my life.
Did you hear him? He tells them the real reason he's here.
They're gonna know, Burt.
When I come in wearing blue and go out wearing pink, they're gonna know.
Shh, please, be quiet, huh? There are people around.
I hate it here.
There are germs all over this place.
Darling, you wanna wait downstairs? It's depressing.
Everybody looks sick.
Burt, it's a hospital.
Who knows what you can pick up here? Look at him.
Who knows what he's got.
Engine trouble.
I got a little engine trouble.
Oh, well, hi, it's nice to see you.
I'm sorry if we woke you.
That's okay.
I'm glad.
I thought I was dead.
Barney Gerber, heart.
Jodie Dallas Appendicitis.
I'm in for a sex change.
What do you wanna change sex? If I remember correctly, it was pretty terrific.
I'm in for a sex-change operation.
Oh, no kidding.
He's her son, not mine.
That's her boy.
Well, not for long.
So a sex change? Wait a minute.
Of course.
I saw that once on a television show.
Bill Bixby went in and, after the commercial, Sally Field came out.
You see, I have three sons.
Real sons, you know.
Really men sons.
Look, let me get this straight.
You're a faigele.
What? You're a faigele, uh, a homo boy.
[MUTTERING] Oh, mister, take it easy.
Nice is what counts.
Hi, there, Mr.
Heh, heh, heh.
NANCY: Are we feeling better today? We? What are you all of a sudden, my partner? And how many times did we go to the bathroom? You, I don't know.
I went twice.
And it was a long, exhausting trip for nothing.
Okay, I'm gonna take some blood now.
Take his.
I got no more left.
Excuse us.
I can't stand this, with blood, hearts.
Mary, I gotta get out of here.
I'll meet you downstairs.
Are you sure about this? Yeah.
Well, you take care of yourself.
Are you sure? Yeah.
You're sure you're sure? Yes, Ma.
Oh, God, it's all my fault.
Mom, it's not your fault.
It is.
It must be.
I'm your mother.
When things go wrong, they blame the mother.
Ask anyone.
It's a known fact.
Psychiatrists get rich blaming mothers.
Mom, it's not your fault.
It has nothing to do with you.
Maybe it was the piano lessons.
Mom, you have been a terrific mother.
It's just the way things turned out.
Look, I'm healthy and I'm happy.
Feel responsible for that.
You okay? I better go.
Burt's probably throwing up in the lobby.
I'll see you tomorrow.
You'll still be? I'll still be, Ma.
It's just tests they're doing now.
I love you, Ma.
Oh, I love you too.
[SNIFFLES] Maybe that's it.
Maybe I loved you too much.
JODIE: Would you get out of here.
NANCY: See you later.
GERBER: Yoo-hoo.
Could you please open up this curtain? I hate this backstage life here.
[SIGHS] You know, after all the years of research, money, drugs, eh You know what really keeps me alive? That girlie.
Who? Nancy Nightingale, whatever her name is.
I take one look at the girlie and all the girlies like her and my heart beats a little faster.
Which is good because it's having a little trouble on its own.
Then I take one look at her and I forget that I'm Barney Gerber, 68 last April with a heart that beats like a struggling moth.
I forget because a 25-year-old Gerber looks, and he wants.
And that's what keeps me alive, wanting something.
Just Just the wanting.
Well, that and the corned beef my partner sneaks in here twice a week.
But as long as you want, as long as you look forward to, kiddo, you can live forever.
They'll have to murder you.
You're okay, Mr.
Okay? Why shouldn't I be okay? I got corned beef, a cutie, and now a nice faigele who, maybe if I'm lucky, plays gin rummy? You're lucky.
I'm lucky? Yeah.
I got mazel? Ho, ho.
Am I gonna have fun.
Look, more blood? What are you? A vampire? Not you this time, Mr.
You're my victim.
Your chart says you're here for a sex-change operation.
Why in the world would you want a sex-change operation? Boredom.
I'm thinking of getting one myself next week.
They say women live longer.
Okay, Mr.
, naptime.
You know, I think you're making a big mistake.
Is that a medical opinion? Can I ask you a personal question? Sure.
Have you ever, um, you know, with a woman? No.
You're kidding? GERBER: Ooh, I think I'm missing something good.
Well, that explains it.
You'll try it, you'll change your mind.
[CHUCKLING] Well, you don't know.
You've never tried it.
We're really very nice.
How long are you gonna be here? Two weeks.
Oh, great.
Well, that gives me plenty of time.
I taught my cousin to drive in three days.
See you.
You know, since I've been here, in that bed there's been a movie producer, a longshoreman and a hockey player.
In six weeks, none of them could get to first base with that cutie.
And now, without trying, in five seconds, a faigele scores.
[] And then what happened after your mother disappeared? Mr.
Campbell, I understand these things are sometimes difficult to talk about, but [SNORING] Mr.
Campbell? What? Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
I just dozed off.
I do that a lot.
I can fall asleep like that.
So where was I? You said when you were a little boy, your mother went out for a pack of Camels one day and didn't come back for five years.
Look, this is ridiculous.
My mother's got nothing to do with it.
I know why I'm impotent.
It's ridiculous to come here and pay you to find out what I already know.
Why are you impotent? I can't tell you that.
Very often it helps just to get these things off our chest.
And Mr.
Campbell, anything you say here is completely confidential.
Yeah? No matter how terrible it is? That's right.
But Mr.
Campbell, everyone who comes in here thinks they're going to tell me something I've never heard before.
And it never happens.
We all have the same problems.
Hey, hey, hey.
I know what you hear.
You hear a guy fools around on his wife.
You hear some guys like weird things in the bedroom.
Maybe one or two hate women.
Maybe somebody's in love with a goat.
That's nothing.
What I got is big.
I mean big.
You'd be shocked.
No, I won't.
Yes, you will.
I guarantee, I won't.
Oh, yeah? Try me.
I murdered my wife's first husband.
My, that is a big one.
You want me to tell you how it happened? You actually killed him? Yeah.
See, I had this construction business.
I still do.
Anyway, one day my first wife took my kids and left me.
Huh? Yeah, she just left me.
No talk, nothing.
I came home from work and there was a note stuck in the meatloaf.
It said, "I'm leaving.
I can do better.
" Okay, well, I was pretty upset.
I mean, my wife was gone, my kids were gone.
So I just threw myself into the business, you know? It became everything.
Then one day Johnny and Mary Dallas come to me.
They asked me to build them a house.
And I do.
Now, Mary It was love at first sight.
You know, in my job, you work very closely with the wife and I did.
And I was with her all the time.
And then I did little things when I saw the job was coming to an end, just to be with her.
Like when I put in the kitchen, I left out the sink.
She had to come tell me the sink was missing so I could be with her.
Yeah, I left the toilet out of the bathroom.
And the closet, it didn't open.
No stairs.
Little things like that.
Anyway, once the job was finished, Johnny Dallas comes to me.
He says he wants to be my partner.
He says, uh, bad things could happen if I refuse and, sure enough, accidents started happening.
I even got beaten up by two goons.
Then I realised, he's a mobster.
Then it all made sense.
The accidents, the beatings, his shiny mohair suits.
Anyway, then one night after work, I stayed on at the construction site, and I thought and I got very depressed.
I mean, I'd lost my wife, I lost my kids, I couldn't have Mary, and now I was gonna lose my business.
I had decided to kill myself.
Well I guess this is it.
JOHNNY: Hold it! BURT: Johnny Dallas had come to kill me.
It was my last chance.
Turn over the business to him or he'd kill me.
Heh, heh.
Why kill me? Hey, I was gonna do it anyway.
Suicide, murder, pfft, makes no difference to me.
I'm all yours.
BURT: And then I thought, "Hey, this is crazy.
I'm just giving up.
Why should he win?" I mean, I'm up there killing myself because of him, and he says he's gonna kill me anyway.
Hey, so, why don't I kill the killer? Then he can't kill me.
Hey, why me? Why not you? Because I like that arrangement better.
BURT: And, suddenly, I wanted to live.
You know, I've been thinking, and now that I think about it, I don't think I'm too crazy about this arrangement here.
I mean, after all, you know, like if we were to, say, take a vote, as to which guy should go off this girder, heh, heh, and given your criminal record and not too charming personality most people would pick you.
However, I'm sure a lot of people would pick me.
So rather than state who we are You know, because a vote could go either way.
Why don't we just kind of hang around and talk about it? No more talking.
We've talked enough.
Oh, well, I don't know.
It's a nice night.
Few minutes more wouldn't hurt.
You give me a part of this business, Campbell, or in 10 seconds, you'll be part of 42nd Street.
BURT: Hey, look out.
Take it easy.
Look out, you're gonna JOHNNY: Whoa! Help! Fall.
So I killed him.
I pushed him off the girder.
You got a murderer sitting in your office, doctor, right on your couch.
It was self-defence.
Yeah, that's what I thought at first.
But then I questioned it.
I mean, I loved his wife.
Couldn't it be I just wanted to get rid of him? Oh, I'm sure.
But you never actually went out and killed him because of it.
I mean, there you were, hanging from a girder, 30 storeys up.
He had a gun in your ribs, murder in his heart.
You had to make a choice.
So you chose your own life.
This would make a terrific screenplay.
So, what? I'm not a murderer? Of course not.
Absolutely not a murderer.
Oh, Dr.
I just I gotta go now.
MEDLOW: We still have some time left.
I know, but I gotta go home and see Mary right away.
You see, I came here because I had this problem, you know, and I couldn't.
Well, now the problem's solved and I think I can.
Of course, by the time I get home, it might be that I can't again, but, uh, heh-heh-heh, we're gonna find out.
[] [] I really need this in my life, Dennis.
I mean, I need to open this up and see this picture of you looking at her the way a cat looks at tuna fish.
Jodie, it's a publicity picture.
Now, don't tell me.
Um, Joe Namath? Hey, that's right.
You're Joe Namath.
No, sorry.
Listen, Dennis, I'm here becoming a girl for you.
But if you've already got one, what am I doing? You think I need this? You think I'm looking forward to retaining water? I got it.
You're Mickey Mantle.
Jodie, don't you think, um, you're overreacting a little? Overreacting? Dennis, this is not: "Clip the zinnias, they grow back next spring.
" Come on, Jodie.
I mean, look I'll come back and see you in a few days, okay? Take care, huh? O.
Simpson? Uh, no.
JODIE: Eunice.
Hello there.
How have you been? Fine.
You get such cute visitors.
Mine are all old Jewish prunes.
Who was that guy, Jodie? He looked familiar.
I thought it was Joe Namath.
You can tell her.
She won't tell anyone.
You know? Uh-huh.
Jodie, tell me.
I can't, Corinne.
You told Eunice.
Well, we traded.
She told me something.
I've got something.
And it's much better than Eunice's.
You can't tell him that.
Oh, not that.
Something else.
There's something else? Ooh, I wanna hear that.
I'll listen to anything.
Oh, I can't tell you that one, but this one is pretty good.
Is it better than Eunice and Congressman McCallam? Congressman Walter McCallam? Oh, that's all right, sweetheart.
Don't worry.
It's safe with me.
With my heart, they applaud if I'm still alive for dinner.
Well, what is it, Corinne? Only if Jodie tells me who that was.
And then you'll tell me? Yeah.
I'm in love with a priest.
[SPEAKING IN YIDDISH] Who? Father Timothy Flotsky.
The closest I ever get to him is in a confessional.
How's that for an impossible relationship? Beats mine.
And mine.
So who was that? Dennis Phillips.
[SPEAKING IN YIDDISH] The quarterback? You mean you and he are? Yeah.
Wait, wait.
You and the quarterback? And you and a priest? And you and a married congressman? And I thought Jews liked to suffer.
JODIE: Benson.
And I thought you were alone.
Hello, Benson.
Hi, Benson.
Hi, Corinne.
Nice to see you.
I was just, uh, passing by with some stuff.
Thanks, Benson.
Now don't think it's because I like you.
Benson, duck in rum sauce.
Banana bread.
Well, I better be going.
No, no, no, stay.
Benson, we were all trading secrets when you came in.
You can trade secrets with us.
Secrets? Yeah.
We each told our biggest secret.
What's your secret, Benson? I can't wait to hear this one.
My secret is I know all your secrets.
You know Jodie's secret? He's in here for a sex-change operation.
What's the big secret in that? [IN SINGSONG VOICE] Uh, heh-heh.
That's not his secret.
Who's that? [IN NORMAL VOICE] Gerber, heart.
Which gets weaker by the minute.
I know his secret.
Jodie, tell him.
But it's Benson.
Dennis Phillips.
What about Dennis Phillips? I'm going with Dennis Phillips.
Where? We're lovers, Benson.
The quarterback? Right.
Get out of here.
Everybody out.
Thank you, Benson.
Time for your IV.
Now, what would you like? We've got dextrose, glucose, plasma, saline, 7UP, Dr Pepper and ginger ale.
JODIE: Danny! Ah.
That's it.
The pacemaker just went.
Pretty good, huh? Aw, Danny, why'd you tell everybody to leave for? I figured they wouldn't want to stay.
I mean, the last time I came around, we all got shot at.
Wait, wait.
Who Who got shot at? So, uh, how you doing? Good.
Excuse me, what about this shooting? So how you doing? Pretty good.
Pretty good.
I'm a little jumpy.
I find myself whirling around a lot when I'm out on the street, but I'm doing okay.
Uh, listen, sonny girl.
You mentioned about shooting.
See, I'm a heart patient and my doctor told me I should specifically avoid gunfire.
Fatty foods and gunfire.
Well, don't worry about it, because I'm leaving.
Thanks, God.
Listen, I'll come back and see you in a few days.
Will you still be you? Yeah.
Well, who will you be? I'll surprise you.
Take care, little brother.
Bye, big brother.
Danny, your wig.
Oh, thanks.
So, uh, that's your brother? Well, he's a nice boy.
Looks like Anne Bancroft.
[] Mary, I got your message.
Are you all right? Oh, Jess, thanks for coming.
I was just so depressed.
Well, Mary, hospitals depress everyone.
I mean, they make them that way on purpose, you see, so sick people will get well in a hurry and go home.
It's not just that.
It's my whole life.
I have one son who's about to become my daughter.
I have another son who someone's trying to kill.
I have a lunatic stepson and his dummy living in my house.
And a husband who doesn't wanna make love to me.
That's not life.
That's something by Tennessee Williams.
Well, Mary, at least you have something.
Something? Yes.
Well, I mean, look at my life.
Chester's always working, so he's never home.
Corinne has moved in with Peter, so she's never home.
And Eunice is always travelling around, so she's never home.
And Billy's growing up now, you know, so he's never home.
And Daddy is Well, Daddy, tch, you know, is just never home.
I mean, do you know what I do? I wander around that big house all day long, not knowing what to do.
I can't wait till 3:00 to talk to Dinah Shore.
What? Dinah Shore.
I talk to her.
She doesn't answer back.
She's on television, Mary, so, of course, she can't answer back.
But, you know, she has such a nice face, and she's so pleasant.
I mean, I find it very comforting to have her to talk to.
Jess, you can call me.
Why don't you call me? Oh, Mary, I wouldn't want to bother you.
My goodness, you have enough problems of your own.
Besides, you're the one that needs cheering up today.
That's why we're having lunch together.
Claire, Claire, Claire.
You are so cute when you're mad.
I'm serious, Chester.
If you don't leave Jessica this week, I am going to the Securities Exchange Commission.
There'll be no need to do that, my darling.
No need at all.
Why, Chester? Because I'll be leaving Jessica.
When? Let me surprise you.
Well, Mary, I mean, if we didn't have unhappy experiences, how would we know when we were having happy ones? Oh, God.
JESSICA: What, Mary? What? Look at this plate, Jessie.
Isn't it? Isn't it beautiful? The pattern is so delicate.
Mary, it's white.
That's what I mean.
The pattern is so delicate, you can't see it.
Jessie, don't look.
[] Oh, my God.
Mary, it's true.
All of it's true.
[CRYING] Everything everybody's been saying all these years is true.
Oh, Mary.
I would faint if I knew how.
[] [] ANNOUNCER: Will Jodie decide to be a woman? Or will Nurse Nancy convince him to be with a woman instead? Since Burt couldn't with Mary because he thought he was a murderer, now the psychiatrist has told him he isn't a murderer and didn't do it, will he be able to? Will Danny run out of disguises? Or closet space? And what will Jessica, now that she's discovered what Chester is doing, do? These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.