Soap (1977) s01e10 Episode Script

Episode 10

1 [] ANNOUNCER: This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
In last week's episode of Soap, Jodie checked into the hospital to become a girl and wound up meeting a girl who would like him to stay a guy.
Danny has been running around in disguises, running from the Mob.
So far, Danny has not been caught, but Chester has been.
Jessica met Mary for lunch and saw him kissing Claire.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
We begin this week's episode of Soap, shortly after Jessica and Mary saw Chester and Claire.
Oh, Mary, thank you so much for coming home with me.
Feeling any better? Good.
Uh-huh.
I really feel like such a fool, Mary.
I mean, all those years of not believing, and I I still find it hard to believe.
Not that I don't believe it, Mary.
I mean I do believe it.
I saw it with my very own eyes.
It was Chester and Claire and he was kissing her.
And do you know what is really funny, Mary? Chester doesn't even like to kiss.
Don't keep going over it, Jess.
You know what, Mary? I think we're cursed.
Who? Us.
All of us.
I think that there is a curse on this family.
Well, if there isn't, there should be.
Benson? Do you know where we keep the family photo album? Yeah.
Oh, good.
Would you mind bringing it to me? Why do you wanna look at those depressing pictures for? Benson, they're family photographs.
They are depressing.
A bunch of ugly people in old clothes.
And then you got those dried-up, pressed flowers that fall out all over the place.
And then the pictures crumble and you cry.
Every time you look at those pictures, I gotta do the floor.
Mary, I think I am on to something.
I think that in those pictures, we'll find the answer.
Mary, did you see The Omen? No.
Well, I mean, nobody believed Lee Remick when she said that her son was the devil and he was trying to kill her.
And you know what happened? He killed her.
And then, I mean, uh, of course everyone said: "Well, she was right.
" But, I mean, it did her a lot of good.
She was dead by then.
Heh.
Oh, thank you, Benson.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh.
Oh.
Look at this.
Oh.
Gee, I I-I'm sorry, Benson.
I Look.
Mary, look.
Randolph.
And where is Randolph, Mary? Jessie, no one knows where Randolph is.
Exactly.
Our brother Our brother who fathered an illegitimate child with a Swedish maid and then disappeared into the wilds of Ecuador.
Don't you think that's peculiar? Jessie, Randolph was peculiar.
No, Mary, he wasn't.
He was cursed.
Jessie, Randolph wasn't cursed, he was nuts.
Any man who would go to Ecuador to sell wall-to-wall carpet is not all there.
Mary, look at this.
Who's that? Well, I don't know who it is, Mary, but I saw The Exorcist, and that face is worse.
Oh, that's Mr.
Tate.
Oh, my god, Mary, it is.
It's Chester.
Yeah, on your wedding day.
It is not, Benson.
It's our Halloween party because I'm dressed as Chiquita Banana.
Do you think I'd wear bananas on my head to a wedding? Don't ask me.
I wish I knew someone that removes curses.
Jessie, we are not cursed.
There is no such thing as a curse.
Mary, Mary, how can you say that? I mean, Mary, look at me.
I married a man who does you know what.
That's not a curse.
I have one illegitimate daughter who sleeps around.
It's not a curse, Jess.
Well, I have one daughter who doesn't even go out on dates.
That's not a curse.
Daddy still believes the war is going on.
Not a curse.
All right, Mary.
Your first husband committed suicide.
You have one son who's gay who's gonna have a sex-change operation.
You have one son who's a spy.
You have one stepson who lives with a dummy.
And you have another stepson who came between Corinne and me.
And your husband won't make love to you.
You're right, we're cursed.
[] [DOORBELL RINGS] [DOORBELL RINGS] Okay.
Hi.
Mrs.
Campbell? Yes.
Ah.
I'm your son Danny's employer.
Uh May I come in? Yes.
Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, it's nice.
Where is he going? Uh House hunting.
He's been driving me crazy.
You know, every time he goes into a house, he's gotta look around all the rooms.
Mrs.
Campbell, about Danny, you know, I'm a little bit, uh, worried about him.
He leaves so suddenly.
Uh, listen, Mr, uh Smith.
Giorgio Smith.
My friends call me Georgie or Georgie boy.
My mother calls me Face.
Heh-heh.
My father call Forget about my father.
He's not a nice man.
Danny's not here.
He's in Europe.
Huh? You have his address in Europe? No.
Just Europe.
Well, you know, this creates a little problem for me because my boss wants me to find Danny so bad.
He says if I don't find him, then nobody's ever gonna see me again.
Heh-heh.
Uh I know who you are.
Giorgio Smith.
You want to kill Danny, don't you? Kill? K-k-kill Danny.
Whe? Where do you get such crazy ideas from? Kill Danny, eh? [DOORBELL RINGS] [SPEAKING IN YIDDISH] [IN FOREIGN ACCENT] How are you, missus? Rabbi Maccabee here, collecting some money for trees.
Heh.
Hello, mister.
You look like a fine gentleman.
Nice hair.
Heh.
Nice Jewish people, Campbellwitz.
It's a nice Jewish name.
It's Campbell.
Not Jewish? Well, forget the trees then.
I don't know why they want more trees anyway.
Israel is a jungle from the trees.
Heh.
Goodbye.
Wait.
I'll get you some money.
Well, now, now, hey.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN] You know, there's a lot of phoney baloneys going around here, collecting for things they just make up.
You got credentials? Credentials? Yes.
Do I have credentials? You want credentials? Five thousand years of suffering.
How's that for a credential? [QUIETLY] All right.
You want credentials? I'll give you credentials.
All right.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Ah.
Credentials, he asks.
Uh Bar mitzvah, chopped chicken liver, Tel Aviv, a bagel.
Credentials.
Mr.
Schmarty-Pants, your head should grow in the ground like an onion, you want credentials.
Hey.
Wholesale.
A credential.
All right, all right, Rabbi.
I was just trying to be careful.
There you go.
And, uh, Mrs.
Campbell, we'll be in touch with you, eh? You want more credentials? No, I don't want more credentials.
I'll give you some more credentials.
I'm sorry, Rabbi.
Let me give you a cheque.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Ma.
Ma, it's me.
Danny? Oh, dear.
Oh, my God.
Do you know who that was? They wanna kill you.
I know, Ma.
You've gotta get out of here.
Ma, it's all right.
They're gone.
You're not a spy, are you? No, Ma, I'm not.
Oh, God.
[DOOR OPENS, MARY GASPS] Hi, uh I, uh How are you doing? Mary, what, are you giving money to every crackpot that comes around? Burt It's for It's for a good cause, right? I know.
That's what they all say.
What is this for? Trees, I bet, right, huh? Trees, huh? What is it with your country and trees? I don't know.
Maybe they got a lot of dogs, Burt.
Danny? Danny? [LAUGHS] Yeah.
Oh, Danny.
I was just leaving.
Boy, Danny, you had me fooled.
It's Danny.
I know, Burt.
I gotta go but, Ma, I'll come back again, soon.
I promise.
No, no, the back way.
Oh, okay.
That's a great outfit.
Heh-heh.
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, Mare.
Hey, Mare, I've been looking for you all day.
Where were you? I was with Jessica.
Hey, Mary, what do you say, uh, how about we go upstairs? Why? [LAUGHS] Why? I see, it's been so long, you don't remember.
All right.
Okay, now, see, Mary, what I'm trying to say is, [SMACKS LIPS] mm-hm, why don't we, uh, go upstairs, you know, and kind of lounge around and va-va-voom? [IMITATES TRUMPE THEN CHUCKLES] You know? Mary, I saw Dr.
Medlow today and guess what? What? I think I can.
Now? Yes! Oh, Burt, not now.
Not now? I'm just not in the mood.
Not in the mood? You're not in the mood? For six months, all I've been hearing from you is "when?" Now, all of a sudden, it's "I'm not in the mood.
" Heh.
Burt, how can I be in the mood? This morning we took Jodie to the hospital.
This afternoon, Jessica found out Chester's been unfaithful to her.
And a few moments ago, I found out the Mob is trying to kill Danny.
Oh, ahem.
Well, that kind of lets the air out of my tyres.
Heh.
So to speak, you know? [] [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] [QUIETLY] Corinne.
Hi.
Corinne, what are you doing here? How'd you get in? You gotta get out of here.
I have to talk to you.
No, no talk.
We've talked enough.
That's it for talking.
Tim, I'm so unhappy.
You? What do you think, this thrills me? Corinne, you can't be here.
This is for priests.
Tim, you know that guy I live with? You know, Peter? Come on now, Corinne, don't start.
Come on now, up on your feet.
But I have to talk to you.
No, we've done enough talking.
Leaving.
You're gonna leave, you're not gonna talk.
Come on, up.
Oh, but Tim No, no "but Tim.
" Only one word I listen to, "Goodbye, Tim.
" Well, that's two words.
Just say "goodbye.
" Goodbye, Corinne.
Goodbye, Tim.
Hmm.
Good.
I like that.
You did that well.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] I need your help.
This business with Corinne is getting to be too much for me.
See, being a priest means more to me than anything ever has in my life.
Ten, 12 years ago, remember what I was like in high school? I majored in motorcycles.
I was a bum, a nothing.
And then I found you.
I came back to the Church and I became a priest.
And I love it.
I love what I'm doing.
And I've been really happy.
Except for one thing: Corinne.
I mean, she's stirred up all these old feelings.
Hey, I know I'm a man and I know we all have those feelings, but I think I'm getting them too much, you know? So, I'm thinking, uh, maybe there's something wrong with me in the priest department.
I understand tests, and I know you've given some humdingers in your day, but are you gonna send Corinne in once a week for the rest of my life? Because if you are, I think we're gonna get to a week there that could embarrass everyone.
I mean, I don't know.
I thought I had the calling.
But now, I don't know.
Do I? I'd ask for a sign, but, quite frankly, knowing the kind of signs you give Burning bushes, flooding the world.
I think I'll pass on the sign.
I mean, you get a little flamboyant with the signs there.
Excuse me.
Flamboyant.
I'm telling God he's flamboyant.
Well, thanks for listening.
I feel better just having talked.
And if you got an answer, all right, you can give me a sign.
But nothing crazy, now.
Please.
Goodbye.
[] Dennis, what do you mean it's not such a good idea that I have the operation? I don't know.
I mean, a sex-change operation is such a drastic step.
What are you talking about? I don't know.
Dennis? Well, it's just that Well, I've been thinking.
And maybe it's not such a good idea.
Why? Dennis, what's going on? I'm gonna marry Jill.
You're what? Excuse me.
I, uh I have to go meet Mandelbaum.
[MUMBLES] See, he, uh He challenged me to a race around the hospital floor.
I'll be back in a week or two.
You're gonna marry her? Yes.
Well, that's one wedding night they could show on Saturday morning television.
Look, Jodie, I'm sorry.
No, I love it.
The homosexual and the starlet are getting married.
You'll kill each other fighting over the electric rollers.
Jodie.
You're gonna marry her, Dennis? Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into? Jodie, I'm scared.
Well, I don't blame you.
No, I have to do it.
Ah.
Jodie, I'm a football player.
That's all I know.
And soon I'll have to earn a living from having been a football player.
I'm not the smartest guy in the world.
[SNIFFLES] I can't do anything else, Jodie.
[SIGHS] Look, even if you had the operation, I mean, sooner or later, people would find out.
I'd never be able to find work.
I can't do it.
I don't want to marry her, but I'm scared.
[SIGHS] I guess you'll have trouble believing it but I love you.
And I'll always love you.
Sorry, Jodie.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Okay, I'm fine.
I am fine.
[WHIMPERS] [VOICE BREAKING] Sure, I'm fine.
Boy, I can really pick them.
[INHALES DEEPLY] No sense being a girl now.
Actually, there's no sense in being.
It's checkout time.
Make life a lot easier for me, Mom, Burt, Anita Bryant.
Time for your pill, Mr.
Dallas.
Nurse, haemorrhage in 514, quick! Tsk.
Would you look at this.
Very nice.
Hmm.
What, are you trying to tell me something? Just a few of these.
A couple of the yellow.
Love the lavender ones.
Hmm.
A whole bunch of these.
I wonder how long this'll take? Jodie? Jodie, did I ever tell you about my wife? I know, uh, you're not in the mood right now to hear stories by old men, but, uh, you'll listen, because it It could help.
You see, my wife, Jodie, ho-ho-ho, my wife was a wonder.
I swear she was a miracle, Jodie.
She used to walk down the street, the whole Bronx would light up.
Uh I used to stare at her in amazement, thinking how lucky I was.
And after 15 years, I still stared at that woman in amazement.
She was all I needed, Jodie.
I had the whole world right there.
If I died, I could have died happy.
The, uh, trouble was that she died.
One day, she wakes up, a little lump.
Six months later, bing, bing, the light goes out on my life.
Oh, boy.
I tell you, I walked around for months, I was doubled over.
It's like somebody slugged me.
I went through the normal routine of daily living.
I ate, I slept, I went to the bathroom.
And in between these three major activities, Jodie, there was a lot of pain.
I never thought I'm ever gonna fall in love again.
Baah.
Well, a few years later, I met a redhead.
Not like my wife.
No, entirely different.
So, I ate, I slept, I went to the bathroom, and, uh, one day, I laughed.
And one day I noticed, I I-I laughed.
Then another day, I hummed.
And then soon after, I sang.
Well, I married her.
Oh, Jodie, if we weren't happy Ah.
In an entirely different way.
See, it wasn't Wasn't better, it wasn't worse, it, uh It was different.
There I was, miserable Barney Gerber, happy again.
[LAUGHS] You see, Jodie, you see how smart I was.
I thought I'll never love again.
I thought I'll never be happy again, huh? I also thought, I'll never have to say "goodbye" again.
Mm.
Yeah, 10 years we were happy, Jodie.
And then, one day, ah, some maniac with With bourbon in his blood, something on his mind, runs through a red light, and stops Barney Gerber right in mid-song.
Well, ahh, it was 16 months ago.
Well, since then, I I have eaten, I have slept, occasionally, I went to the bathroom.
And I, uh I had a heart attack.
So I said, "Gerber, that's all.
You're finished.
Forget it.
" What? It's never gonna happen again.
Once was wonderful, twice was incredible.
A third time? What? You're kidding yourself.
Come on.
A third time would be asking for a miracle.
But you know something, Jodie? I don't really believe that.
If I believed that, I wouldn't be here, in this hotel, letting them sew Dacron into my heart to hold it together.
I wouldn't be here, begging my blood to visit my heart at least a few times a day, you know, to keep it going? I wouldn't be here at all, Jodie, if I didn't believe there could be a third time.
Ah.
Listen, listen, mein kind, I know that you don't feel so terrific right now, but wait, Jodie, wait.
Someday, I guarantee you, you're gonna hear somebody laughing, and you'll turn around, and it'll be you.
[] ANNOUNCER: Are the Tates and the Campbells cursed? Or are they just having a run of bad luck? Is Danny's rabbi disguise good enough to fool the Mob? Is it good enough for him to perform Passover services? Will Father Tim get a sign from God? A phone call? A Mailgram? Something? Will Jodie live? These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
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