Soap (1977) s01e14 Episode Script

Episode 14

1 [] ANNOUNCER: This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
[] In the last episode of Soap, Chief Tinkler informed the Tates and the Campbells that they are all suspects in the murder of Peter Campbell, the tennis pro, because all of them had a motive and most of them don't have an alibi.
Chester, who knew Jessica had had an affair, but didn't know who she had her affair with, found out her affair had been with Peter.
Of course, before his death.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
We begin this week's episode of Soap shortly after Chief Tinkler has left the stunned families.
Well, Chester, I just can't believe it.
I mean, Chester, to think that one of our own relatives might be a murderer.
A murderer.
I mean, I spent the whole evening with a murderer, I fed dinner to a murderer.
Actually, I might be living in the same house with a murderer.
Chester, who do you think did it? Who could have done it? Who cares, Jessica? After what I learned this evening, I couldn't care less about a murder.
Oh, what did you learn? Oh, that.
Heh.
Yes, that.
Uh-huh.
Uh, Chester, do you think that we are talking about the same "that"? I think so.
Uh-huh.
You're talking about that "that", that has something to do with me and, uh, someone else? That's right.
Oh, that.
Oh.
Yeah, well, that is the "that" that I thought that you were talking about.
Well, Chester, I I don't see what the big deal is.
I mean, I told you I had had an affair.
I mean, you did know about it.
But I didn't know who, Jessica.
I didn't know who you were having your affair with.
Well, I I should think it would come as a relief.
Relief? Yes.
Doesn't it make you feel better to know that I had an affair with someone who's dead? I I mean, someone who's dead now.
I mean, it should make it much easier, Chester.
You'll never bump into each other at a party.
And you'll never have to look at him and picture, uh I assumed, Jessica, when you told me you were having an affair that at least, at the very least, you were having a dignified one.
But to discover that you were robbing the cradle Do you know how that looks? Do you know what people say about that? Well, when men do it they say "congratulations.
" That's something else entirely, Jessica.
Young girls are attracted to older men.
It's a known fact.
We can't help it.
Yes, you can.
You could say no.
He was a boy.
An absolute boy.
Ha-ha.
It must have been wonderful.
I'm sure you had a lot to talk about.
Ha-ha.
No, we didn't.
Heh.
Well, I wouldn't think so.
A Actually, there was never very much time.
I mean, you know, it is kind of hard to talk and Uh Spare me.
At the same time.
Well, Chester, I'm sorry.
Well, must have been exciting, huh? Heh.
Of course, a young, good-looking guy.
Probably knows all kinds of tricks they're doing these days.
They've got all these new books.
Well, Chester, it didn't last long.
When I was growing up, we didn't have books.
There was one way to do it.
Chester, are you jealous? I mean, the guy has got energy.
Heh.
And tricks.
How can you compete? He grew up on Penthouse.
I grew up on National Geographic.
Why should I know as much as he does? Chester, I'm here.
Look at me.
I'm here.
Of course you're here.
He's dead.
Well, I was still here when he was alive.
Now you know how I felt all those years, Chester.
You felt this way? Mm.
Every time.
And it was an awful lot of times, Chester.
Feels awful.
I know.
Sometimes I felt so awful, I thought I was going to throw up.
Except, of course, I hate to throw up.
I haven't thrown up since 1948.
I don't think I've ever felt like this before.
I know.
[] I'm sorry, Jess.
I'm sorry you ever had to feel this way.
I'm really sorry.
Chester, let's try never to make each other feel this way again.
Hmm? Thank you.
Boy, it sure is quiet around here.
Hey, guys, what's the matter? Did somebody die? Ha-ha-ha.
[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY] Take it easy, Burt.
Come on.
Don't you have any feelings? He was your brother.
It wasn't my brother, you idiot.
It was his.
Don't call my father an idiot.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, Dad.
It's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
No, I'm all right.
I'm all right, I'm all right.
I'm all right.
Boy, you never know what life has in store for you, huh? I mean, you just never know.
Only a few days ago, I'm the happiest guy in the world.
And now today, I couldn't be sadder.
I know, dear.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe God looked down and said: "Hey, uh, Campbell's too happy.
Let's cool him down.
Kill his son.
" I don't know, I don't know.
Well, I don't know.
I mean, I don't know what the world has come to.
When someone in one's own family, is murdered by someone else in someone's own family.
Jessica, please, enough of this.
Nobody Nobody killed anybody.
Oh, yeah? Well, somebody better tell Peter.
They buried him the other day.
Peter was stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated and bludgeoned.
Do you seriously think that one of us could've done it? Heh.
For God's sake, nobody in this family could sit through The Exorcist.
Heh-heh.
That's right.
I just wonder if any of the Campbells could sit through it.
You know, I think I remember one of them telling me they loved that.
Now which one was it? I just wonder which one of the Tates did it.
Burt, I find it very difficult to believe that one of the Tates is a murderer.
Oh, you do, do you, huh? Well Well, I don't.
It was one of them.
I know it.
Probably Jessica.
She couldn't have, Burt.
Not in a million years.
Mary, please, do you ever talk to that woman? She's got a vacuum cleaner bag up here.
You know, Jessica told me she talks to flowers.
Lots of people do that.
I talk to my fern.
Yeah, but does it answer? What? Does it answer? Of course not.
Okay.
Jessica's flowers answer.
I mean, they They talk back.
You've heard them? BURT: No, I No, of course not.
She told me.
Now, you don't think that's crazy? A woman who says her flowers talk? Jessica.
It was Burt.
It was Burt who said he loved The Exorcist.
Uh, either that or The Sound of Music.
Uh He was raving about one of them.
Chester, do Do you think it could have been Burt? Jessica, you know I can't stand the man.
I'd be happy to pin anything on him.
But I have trouble believing he'd kill his own son.
Maybe it was Danny.
Why Danny? He's so rude.
Oh, I don't think it could've been Danny.
Y-you remember the time that the trees got all infested with those awful birds, what are their names? Uh Grackles.
Right, the crapples.
Well Would you Grackles.
Right, yeah.
Well, everybody wanted to shoot the birds, and don't you remember, Danny passed around the petition and saved the birds.
So I don't think it could've been Danny.
Maybe it was Jodie.
Jodie? Please, the man couldn't even kill himself.
[LAUGHS] I think it was Chester.
Come on.
Chester would be afraid of staining his clothes.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I think Bob's right.
Yeah, sure.
That's it.
Chester, right? Chester did it.
Chester, that's it.
Uh-huh.
Maybe it was Jodie.
You know how jealous he gets.
Hah.
God knows, Peter was having an affair with enough members of this family.
I'm glad you said it.
I think it was Corinne.
Ha.
No way.
What, no way? She had a motive.
She was living with him.
She was jealous.
Corinne did it.
Corinne's the one.
Well, if it wasn't any one of the Campbells, then it was one of us.
Please, Corinne.
She is right.
The chief of police said that it was someone in either family, and we are all suspects.
We are not.
Yes, we are.
You are a suspect.
I am a suspect.
So is Corinne.
A-and And so is Eunice.
So is Benson.
I mean, it's amazing.
Here we are, all five perfectly nice people, enjoying breakfast Well, actually, four because Benson's not eating.
But I mean, Chester, here we are, five perfectly nice people, and out of these five perfectly nice people one of us is probably a killer.
I mean, a ruthless, cold-blooded, dangerous, homicidal, lunatic, maniac killer who, naturally, is very cleverly disguised as a nice person.
Jessica, please.
Enough of this.
For the last time, no one killed It's like magic.
I walk in and talking stops.
Well, don't worry, I'm not staying.
I'm late for school.
I'll just grab my juice and be on my way.
Dad, the last word in your sentence was "killed.
" Go.
Killed Peter.
No one could do it.
No one would do it.
Oh, I don't know.
Young, good-looking, virile That'd drive you crazy.
Shut up, Benson.
Well, now, Chester, he does have a point.
I mean, if we examine it, you did have a motive.
Oh, really? JESSICA: Mm-hm.
And I suppose you didn't? Come on, Daddy.
Mother? I'm not saying she did it, Corinne.
We're talking about motives here.
It's ridiculous to talk about motives.
I mean, if we're talking about motives, Corinne had a motive.
Oh, Eunice, please.
Well, it's true.
You never heard the term, "crime of passion"? I have.
Crime of passion.
Oh, it's such a beautiful expression.
I always wanted someone to commit a crime of passion over me.
Chester, would you have ever killed for me? You can build a case against anybody, even Eunice.
Oh, come on, Corinne.
Well, how do we know you weren't sleeping with him? Everybody else was.
That's enough.
I've had it.
No one in this house ever killed anyone.
Well, I guess that eliminates all the Tates.
Yeah, which leaves us.
Maybe it was Burt.
I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him! I'll rip his little tongue out.
Burt, what are you gonna do? Strangle a dummy? Come on.
And what am I? Your next victim? What? BURT: Ah.
You heard me.
How do I know it wasn't you? MARY: Burt.
Or you.
Burt, don't say that.
Sure I can, kid.
You You're both suspects.
You heard Tinkler.
Burt, come on.
Heh-heh.
It could have been jealousy.
Hmm.
What was there to be jealous of? He was an idiot.
Oh.
[SCOFFS] You're calling my dead son an idiot? Oh, I'm sorry.
[SIGHS] A dead idiot.
[MOUTHS WORDS] [YELLS] Dad! Dad! Burt.
[CHOKING] What are you doing? [CHOKING] [GRUNTS] [] [] So you are a supporter of the ERA? Oh, yes.
Tell me, congressman, rumour has it that your Senate campaign is only a stepping stone on your way to presidency.
Is that true? I'm not planning that far ahead.
It's true.
Waitress.
Marilyn, Marilyn, don't you think you've had enough to drink? No.
Cheryl, Gretchen, whatever your name is? Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Marilyn, that's enough.
Dear, I'm sorry to interrupt your efforts to find a bed for tonight, but I'd like a martini.
Marilyn, this has got to stop.
Fine.
You're a congressman.
Go lobby.
[SNORTS THEN LAUGHS] [KNOCK ON DOOR] Oh, God.
Oh, I love you.
I can't stand being without you.
Oh, Walter, I don't know what to do.
Uh, move back a little.
Walter, I'm afraid I'm in trouble.
Mm-hm.
Oh, my God.
How many weeks? No, no, no, the murder.
Peter's murder.
Oh-ho-ho, that.
Terrible thing.
I'd like another martini, please.
And this time, could you put it in a coffee cup? Thank you.
Walter? They're asking me for an alibi and I don't have one.
Are you a suspect? Yes.
Everyone is.
Just tell them where you were that night.
Hmm.
I was with you.
In a hotel, in bed.
[CLEARS THROAT] Uh Are you really a suspect? Uh, I'll I'll come over, uh, about 10 tonight.
Hmm? What about Marilyn? Well, it's noon, she's on her fourth martini.
By tonight at 10, she'll be in a coma.
I love you.
[CHUCKLES] You leave first.
It could look funny if we left together.
What are you doing in here? Ah.
Uh Well, darling, it's the bathroom.
What does one usually do in here? That's weird.
I was waiting for the bathroom.
The door opened.
Then she came out of here, that girl reporter.
You saw a woman come out of this bathroom? Yes, that pushy little girl who follows you around night and day.
She must really be hard up.
Well, you should have come five minutes earlier.
The pilot was in here and all the stewardesses, and we were having a party.
But I saw her, Walter.
I mean, it's hard to miss her, the girl's in heat.
Marilyn, the drinking has to stop.
I mean, forget about the fact you embarrass the hell out of me.
And then now you're going around hallucinating, uh, seeing people walk out of bathrooms.
Marilyn, the The The drinking has got to stop once and for all.
[] And you should have heard all the kids talking in school today.
I am so sick of this murder.
Well, you can imagine how Peter must have felt.
It's all we talk about.
That's all anyone talks about.
I know.
Yesterday, all the older kids didn't even know I was alive.
Today, they wouldn't leave me alone.
I mean, I'm sorry Peter's dead, but this has done a lot for me.
Did you tell them that you didn't know anything about it because the chief of police sent you from the room? Are you joking? I made stuff up.
Billy.
All the help on the block started a pool.
Good.
In the summer, the troops can go swimming.
They're all taking bets.
You've got more money on you than Ali in the last fight.
[DOORBELL RINGS] You want me to get that? Would you mind? Well, now I know how Elizabeth Taylor and Jackie Onassis feel, walking down the street, with all that staring and whispering.
I don't know how they ever get anything accomplished.
Of course, it is worse for them because everybody wants their autograph.
So far, nobody's asked me for mine.
But if they do, I've decided to keep it really quite simple, just something like: "Best wishes, Jessica Tate.
" Sherlock Holmes.
Uh Evening.
I'm sorry to interrupt your dinner, but I have, ahem, an important announcement to make.
Ooh.
Is that prime ribs? Yes.
My favourite thing in this world is prime ribs, but, oh, gosh, I haven't had that since, oh, well, it must be going on 15 years now.
Ha-ha.
Tinkler, what's your announcement? You haven't had prime ribs for 15 years? Uh, you know how it is, the little woman Uh That's, uh That's my wife.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She says she hates to cook it for just the two of us.
There's too much leftovers.
Tinkler? Come on.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah? What, huh? Well, you could make sandwiches.
Now, that's what I told my wife, but she said we'd have to go on having sandwiches for months.
Well, if worse came to worst, you could give some to your dogs.
Uh No dogs.
JESSICA: Oh Tinkler, uh, could you make this announcement of yours, please? My wife's allergic.
We've got birds, though.
Two parakeets.
[IMITATES WINGS FLAPPING] Through the house.
I don't know if birds eat roast beef.
TINKLER: I don't think so.
Tinkler, what do you want? I wouldn't mind a taste of that roast beef.
Yes, of course.
Sit down in Eunice's place.
She's not here.
I know.
Eunice is in, uh, Washington.
Hmm.
Yeah, but then, uh But she's no longer a suspect.
Oh, Chester, isn't that wonderful? Benson, please get the chief of police a plate of roast beef.
Heh-heh-heh.
Nope.
Well, I eliminated you, too.
Rare, medium or well-done? Rare, please.
Tinkler, you came to make an announcement.
What is it? Ahem.
Oh, yeah, right.
Uh I, uh I've come to make an announcement about the, uh The investigation.
Mm-hm.
Uh Oh, that looks good, yeah.
You came to make an announcement.
Right.
[CHUCKLES] Oh.
Is that Is that what I think it is? Huh? Huh? Horseradish sauce.
Boy, do I love horseradish sauce.
[CHUCKLES] Tinkler, are you going to tell us or are you gonna move in? Oh, yeah.
Right, well, uh, ahem, we've, uh We've narrowed down the leads, and, uh, we've made some conclusions, and, uh Would you pass the salt, please? Your conclusions, Tinkler.
Oh, it's wonderful.
Marvellous, wonderful.
Mm-hm.
Thank you.
Yes, we've, uh We've eliminated Benson.
We've eliminated Eunice and we've eliminated, uh Oh, my.
Heh-heh.
Is Is that sweet-potato pudding? That's right.
Ha-ha-ha.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God.
My grandmother used to make that.
JESSICA: Oh.
Go on, Tinkler.
Don't mind if I do.
Oh.
Would you please tell us why you came here? Uh But the, uh Uh, the youngster, uh Hmm? Hmm? Uh, Billy? TINKLER: Ahem.
Okay, fine.
I'm leaving.
It's a wonder that I ever learned the English language.
I'll be in my room playing with my CB.
Maybe somewhere, somebody in this world would like to talk to me.
Continue, Tinkler.
Mm? Oh, yes, well, as I was saying, we've eliminated Benson and we've, uh We've eliminated Eunice.
Uh, Tinkler, are you saying that it's one of the Campbells? Oh.
No, no, no, the murderer is still in this house.
Hah! Who is it? Well, it's [COUGHING, CHOKING] Well, who is it, you idiot? I think he means we're getting closer.
Water, water.
Walter.
He said it's Walter, Chester.
There's no Walter in this house.
Water.
No, no.
Water.
Water.
He says it's water.
Who's water, for God's sake? It must be a clue.
Uh Uh Lives near water? [MOUTHS WORD] Sounds like water? Oh, I've got it.
JESSICA: What? He needs water to drink, right? Yeah, i-it It's a person who drinks water.
It's a person who, uh, doesn't drink water? No, it's Corinne.
Corinne? Corinne Tate, you're under arrest for the murder of Peter Campbell.
Ma? [] [] ANNOUNCER: Will Chester and Jessica really stop fooling around with other people and actually start fooling around with each other? Will Mrs.
McCallam find out her husband is giving more than just an interview to Eunice? Will the airlines increase the size of their bathrooms to accommodate larger parties? Will Corinne be jailed, tried, and convicted for the murder of Peter? Will the Tates ever invite Chief Tinkler to a roast-beef dinner again? These questions, and many others, will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
[] Soap is videotaped in front of a studio audience.