Soap (1977) s01e15 Episode Script

Episode 15

1 [] ANNOUNCER: This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
In last week's episode of Soap, the Tates and the Campbells, who are all murder suspects, all suspect each other.
Sheriff Tinkler, however, has eliminated all suspects but one, and has arrested Corinne Tate for the murder of Peter Campbell.
The Tates are outraged about Corinne's arrest, and the Campbells don't know about it yet.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
We begin this week's episode shortly after Corinne's arrest.
Oh, come on, Babette.
Now, you know it's illegal.
Oh, please, illegal.
I told him he could go around the world for $100.
I'm a travel agent, for God's sake.
Oh, please.
Officer Tinkler, this is silly.
It's hardly necessary to put a sweet young girl in jail.
That's just what I told him.
Hi, Chet.
Do you know her? Who? That girl.
That girl that said, "Hi, Chet.
" Oh, no.
She said, "I bet.
" Bet.
Probably arrested for gambling.
Okay, Corinne, if you just give me your personal belongings, your purse, your jewellery.
This is an outrage, Tinkler.
You have not one shred of proof.
I'm going to sue you for false arrest, I swear it.
Look, we found her fingerprints all over the place, Mr.
Of course you did, you moron.
I live there.
Oh, well, there are a lot of people who knew you two weren't getting along.
Well, of course they weren't getting along.
They were living together.
I mean, who ever heard of people living together and getting along? It's people who don't live together that get along.
That's why one hears about so few divorces among them.
Come on, Corinne.
Step over here, will you? Just give me your thumb.
Put it right in here.
What about bail, Tinkler? I'll arrange for a hearing.
Won't be until tomorrow, though.
I want it now.
And I'm sorry, the judge is gone.
She's gonna have to spend the night.
Then I would like to see her room, please.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
My dear man, Corinne cannot sleep without crossventilation.
She has allergies.
Now, look, Mrs.
Tate, this is a jail, not a hotel.
Then she's not going.
She is going.
Then I'm going with her.
I'm sorry.
Why can't she come with me? I'm her mother.
Oh, come on, Corinne.
You let me take her home, and I'll lock her up in her room, if that'll make you happy.
Let's go.
Please don't take her away.
Ma, I don't wanna go.
I know.
I know.
Baby, it'll be for just one night.
It's time, Corinne.
Let's go.
Come on, come on.
She's She's my little girl.
Ma! Oh, Chester.
Chester, she's gone.
My baby's gone to jail.
[] Corinne? [WHISTLES] [GRUNTING] [GUNSHOTS] [WHISTLES] It had to have been more than one person.
What was that noise? Burt, what are you doing? I was just proving my theory, Mary.
Just proving my theory.
Burt, what did you do to my Mr.
Bozo? Oh, darling.
Why don't you let the police do this? They're trained for this work.
Are you kidding, police? It's been three days.
What have they come up with? Nothing.
Right now, I guarantee you, I know more about this crime than they do.
For instance, I've narrowed it down to one of two things: Peter was murdered either by the Tates, or by a man with more than two arms.
Burt, how can you know that? How? Ha-ha.
How? My tests prove it.
That's how.
And notice, if you will, I'm working under very primitive conditions here.
Huh? The police have a modern crime lab, computers, whatnot, huh? And who comes up with the first big break in the case? Me.
Who? A civilian.
We heard gunshots.
What happened? Nothing, Chuck.
Oh, too bad.
I thought maybe Burt blew his head off.
Come on.
Hey, keep him quiet, will you? Hey, uh, inspector, did you figure out who did it, or do you just hate clowns? Ha-ha-ha.
No, I figured out who did it.
Oh, I can't wait to hear.
The Tates did it.
All of them? That's right.
One used a brick, another a gun, another a knife.
Most families go on picnics together, these people kill.
Mom, Burt, they made an arrest.
Who? You won't believe it.
Oh, I knew that.
I knew it.
What happened to your group theory? Listen.
Out of all of the Tates, she's the only one who could've done it alone.
Corinne's a terrific athlete.
You ever see those shoulders on her? Sa-ka-ka-pu-wah! Come on.
How do you like that? Corinne didn't do it.
You know Corinne.
How can you possibly think that she did that? Mary, you never know what evil lurks in the hearts of men.
Or women.
You don't think Lizzie Borden's mother wasn't surprised when she saw that axe coming? Corinne.
I knew it was her.
I was on the trail of getting close.
The police, they just have better equipment, that's all.
Burt, darling, let's go upstairs.
Come on.
The shoulders.
Come on.
See here.
See? See, her name's underlined.
Come on.
Come on.
The shoulders.
He's just about ready for the banana hatch.
Hey, Chuck, what is it with you? Me? Yeah.
Hey, you got us confused, Dodo.
I'm Bob.
He's Chuck.
Well, he's the one who talks.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Then why are you listening to me? Ha.
Boy, I thought your father was stupid.
But, uh, that one? I've seen smarter rocks.
Danny, Danny, come on now.
I get confused too.
Hey, listen, Jodie.
Do me a favour, would you? Name it.
Burt's really getting kind of nutty.
I want you to promise me you'll take care of Ma.
You make it sound like you're never coming back.
I can't do it anymore, Jodie.
I can't keep running.
Well, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna talk to Lefkowitz.
He's the man who wants to kill you.
What are you gonna do, call him up and make a lunch date? I'm gonna surprise him, Jodie.
I'm gonna break into his house.
Oh, that'll surprise him.
That'll stun him for two or three seconds, then he's gonna blow your head off.
I got no choice.
It's like a chicken walking in the front door of Colonel Sanders.
I'm gonna do it.
Will you wish me luck? I'd like to wish you a bullet-proof vest.
That's what I'd like to wish you.
Good luck.
Hey, don't worry.
I'll be back.
I'll see you, little brother.
[SIGHS] I hope so, big brother.
[GUN COCKS] [] [IN SWEDISH ACCENT] Look at this, Randolph.
They're showing printed bed sheets in the States now.
Oh, they're so pretty.
And Bloomingdale's has them one-third off.
Do you think could they send them to Ecuador? Randolph? Randolph! What? Do you think Bloomingdale's will send me sheets if I order them? What are you talking about, Ingrid? Of course, we really need that.
We really need flowered sheets in Ecuador, to attract even more mosquitoes.
Randolph? Uh, what, dear? I hate you.
Yes, love.
I hate Ecuador.
I hate this jungle.
I hate the people.
I hate the bugs.
I hate this drink.
I hate this table.
I hate everything, Randolph.
Randolph! See, I'm talking to myself.
I live in the jungle with a man in a coma.
I have boa constrictors in my house.
My backyard is a swamp.
Our neighbours are headhunters.
It's very nice.
Maybe House Beautiful would like to do a cover.
[LAUGHS] Listen to the moron.
Look at this, Ingrid.
Look at this.
Do you know what this is? It's an X, you twit.
It's the buried Amazon treasure, and it's right here, exactly on this spot.
It's an X, Randolph.
You wrote it with your ballpoint pen.
I just saw you.
I've been working on these calculations for years.
It's the buried Inca treasure.
Ingrid, we're going there.
This could be big.
Oh, my God.
I don't believe it.
Oh, believe it.
Believe it.
We'll find a fortune.
My God, Randolph, it's Corinne.
She's been arrested.
Randolph, you moron, look.
Who's that? Corinne! Who's Corinne? What's the matter with you, you idiot? You have jungle rot up the brain? Corinne.
Oh, Corinne.
That can't be Corinne.
Corinne's just a baby.
Randolph, will you look at what it says? She's been arrested for murder.
[GASPS] I must go to her, Randolph.
I must go.
She needs me.
I must go.
Oh, I need my papers, I need tickets.
I need reservations.
I need my shots.
Oh, my God, I need winter clothes.
Where am I going to get a fur in Quito, Ecuador? Randolph, you must come with me.
To the furrier's? There's no furrier in Ecuador.
No, no, no, to Dunn's River, Connecticut.
I'll never go back there.
Never, ever, ever, will I go back to Dunn's River.
Ha! I'd sooner throw myself to the piranhas.
I'll draw it on the map.
I believe there are some right next to the X.
I'll kill you, I swear it.
I'm not moving.
I'm not moving.
Who are you? What the hell are you doing here? Shh! Shh! Please.
Don't "shush" me, you idiot.
I live here.
I I'm not gonna hurt you, I swear.
Of course not.
I've got the gun.
Listen, I just came to talk, that's all, really.
Oh, he came to talk.
Ahh Listen, do you think I could lower my arms? I got bursitis in my shoulder.
You make one move, one false move, and you'll be confetti.
Okay, now slowly lower your arms.
Oh, thanks.
Now take off the mask.
Now, listen, I'm not a burglar or anything.
Are you a rapist? No.
No, no, no, I'm I'm nothing like that.
Well, I wish you could have broken in a couple of hours ago, when I had some makeup on.
Yeah, listen, the reason that I came here was to talk to Mr.
Is he around anywhere? Hey, what I wanna know is how'd you get past Daddy's security system? Fly? He's your father? No, I'm living in this fortress because I'm Rapunzel.
Oh, wow.
I didn't know he was your father.
Are you absolutely sure you're not a rapist? Well, no.
I mean, no, I'm not.
No, I'm not a rapist.
Listen, your old man's got a contract out on me.
What do you think my chances will be of talking him out of it? [KNOCK ON DOOR] MAN: You all right, Miss Lefkowitz? I'm fine.
MAN: Sorry to bother you.
We thought there might be a prowler.
The dogs are going crazy.
Well, if you'd stop beating them and start feeding them, maybe they'd calm down, you yutz.
What's your name? Danny.
I'm Elaine.
Oh, God.
I hope he doesn't kill you.
You're adorable.
Somehow, I don't think my looks are gonna carry much weight with him.
Well, maybe I can help you.
How? Well, he is my father.
Boy, I'd really appreciate it.
And how would you show your appreciation? Well, I'd thank you.
Maybe, uh Maybe buy you a gift.
Well, I, uh I don't know what you want.
Get your clothes off.
You got a sense of humour.
I said, get your clothes off.
What, are you serious? Heh-heh-heh.
[GUN COCKS] You're serious.
Boy, this is gonna be tough.
I mean, under this kind of pressure, don't expect much.
[] [KNOCK ON DOOR] Come in.
Hi, Ma.
What are you doing? Oh.
Just reading.
So how are you? Ma, I saw you at dinner 10 minutes ago.
Oh, that's right.
How was work today? It was easy.
Since it was Sunday and I didn't go.
Was it Sunday? Heh-heh-heh.
How silly.
Of course it was Sunday.
We had a fat newspaper and no mail.
Okay, Ma, what is it? I don't know.
Well, I guess I'm just a little worried about you.
Mom, are you afraid that I'm gonna No.
Try to kill myself again? Maybe.
Mom, no way.
I'm not gonna try that again.
I'm gonna be around a long, long time.
It's just a little hard for me now, Ma.
I know.
I have to start all over again.
You know, sometimes the nice thing about having someone is that you don't have to go through those hard beginnings with someone else.
You have to meet people.
Find someone and hope you like them.
Then if you do, hope they like you.
Then if you make it that far, where you both like each other, you have to worry about, uh.
Will you still like each other when you drop the good behaviour and you can be yourself.
And once you make it through that, where you're both yourselves, and you both like each other, you're up against worrying about whether they'll leave.
But once you're convinced that they won't leave and you won't leave, and you're very happy together and everything is finally wonderful, what happens is they usually die.
Did you come here to cheer me up? [LAUGHS] What I'm saying is things end, so things have to begin.
There are no shortcuts.
You either go through those beginnings or you wind up alone.
I know.
I'm just taking a time out, that's all.
Hey, I'm not gonna stay in here forever.
I mean, with all this reading I'm doing, it would be a shame not to use it to impress somebody.
I love you.
I love you too.
[] [DOOR CLOSES] Look, I don't understand.
What is this bail? Why can't you get it? The bail is $150,000, Jessica.
That's an enormous amount of money.
I'll get it, but it may take me more than one day.
You mean you have to give them $150,000 to get Corinne back? That's right.
Are they crazy? You have to buy back your own daughter? That's not quite what bail is, Mother.
I mean, they could take a different child every week and charge for it.
Ooh, they'd have one terrific little business going for themselves there.
All right.
What's going on? Will somebody please tell me what's going on? Nothing's going on, Billy.
I beg your pardon? I said, bull.
Corinne's been arrested and nothing's going on? Oh, we're going to get her back tomorrow, dear.
Daddy's going to buy her back.
You know, I'm a member of this family too.
I may be short, I may not shave yet, but I do live in this house.
Well, of course you live in this house.
Your bedroom's right upstairs.
The second door on the left.
All my life, every time I walk into a room, people stop talking.
Years ago, everyone used to spell in front of me.
Then once I could spell, they talked in pig Latin.
After that, it was French.
And then they didn't understand each other.
I mean, do you know what that's like? In school, the teacher says I have trouble in comprehension.
Of course I have trouble in comprehension.
I live in a silent movie.
We tell you things, Billy.
We just do it the way Juan Valdez picks out his coffee beans.
He just gives us the good beans.
He never lets us see the bad beans.
We just don't give you any bad beans.
Like Corinne being in jail? Uh Right.
That would be a bad bean.
Corinne getting married, on the other hand, would be a good bean.
Corinne having a baby would be a good bean.
[WHISPERING] Unless, of course, she weren't married in the first place, in which case that would be a very bad bean.
So when my sister goes to jail, I have to read about it in the paper.
You know, I do read.
Oh, it's in the paper? BILLY: And with her picture.
Oh, my.
That's an awful picture.
Look, that's her high school graduation picture.
She looks chubby, like Daddy.
She has a beautiful smile, though, doesn't she? Look at her dimples.
Corinne didn't murder anyone.
I know that.
She calls me into her room to kill a bug.
How could she kill a person? What I wanna know is, what is she doing in jail? Well, uh, Corinne's arrest was a mistake, Billy.
I heard everyone's a suspect.
I heard that you're a suspect, I heard Mom's a suspect.
Why are you all suspects? Well, we're not e-ex Exactly suspects, uh What Daddy means is that they're sort of second-string suspects.
Why don't you tell the kid the truth? He's gonna hear about it anyway.
Better he hears it from you than from Walter Cronkite.
Benson, I think I'm capable of raising my own child.
Well, you're certainly doing a wonderful job so far.
Chester, psst, Benson is right.
If he is going to know, he should know from us.
But what is there to know, Jessica? There is nothing for him to know.
He wants to know why we are suspects.
There is something for him to know.
We can't tell him that.
He's too young.
He, uh Billy, come sit down next to Mommy.
Come on.
Now, you remember what I told you about the good and the bad beans? Well, what you're about to hear is going to sound like some very bad beans.
In fact, if Juan Valdez had beans like these, that man would shoot his donkey and burn the mountain.
[INAUDIBLE] [] You talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here, wise guy.
You are talking to me, aren't you? And I'm I'm talking to you.
And what are you going to say? Tha Ha-ha.
Hi, there.
I Ahem.
I was just practising.
You can never be too prepared in this business.
Gotta keep the old reflexes well-oiled, If you know what I mean.
Uh Would you mind not waving that thing around? Oh, don't worry.
I'm in total control.
[GUN CLATTERS] What can I do for you? I want to see Corinne Tate.
I'm sorry.
She's not having any visitors.
My dear man, I am not a visitor.
[MIMICS INGRID] "A visitor.
" [CHUCKLES] You sound funny.
You must be one of them there foreigners, huh? I am Ingrid Svenson, and I am Corinne's mother.
What? Here is the proof.
Just look at that.
[] [] ANNOUNCER: Will Burt's investigation prove that Corinne is guilty? Or will it prove that Burt is bonkers? Will Elaine talk to her father on Danny's behalf? Will her father let Danny go? If he does, will Elaine let Danny out the door? Is Ingrid Svenson really Corinne's mother? Or is this some kind of traditional Swedish prank? These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
[] Soap is videotaped in front of a studio audience.