Solar Opposites (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

The Lake House Device

Alright, Terry, I'm switching on
the Neutronium Diode.
This thing's a temperamental little slut
so be ready to cut the power source ASAP.
- As Shlorpian as possible.
- Gotcha, buddy!
Oh! Terry, turn it off!
Terry! Do it now!
Ow, fucking ow, ow, ow, fuck!
Terry! Fuck! Ow! Terry! Ow! Terry!
Gotcha, buddy!
Gotcha, buddy! Gotcha, buddy!
Gotcha, buddy! Gotcha, buddy!
Gotcha, buddy!
Oh crap, I forgot about Korvo!
Help, Terry. I think I'm dying.
Please, cancel my subscription to Goop.
Oh god, oh no, I'm so sorry, Korv.
Now-now is it the green button
or the yellow one.
I'm such a Forgetful Frankie Muniz.
That's not a joke, he had a serious head injury.
Terry, I'm gonna ask you one time
and you better not lie:
did you abandon your post
and go to Disneyland?
What? No, I was
I got these at Target.
I know for a fact
they don't sell those at Target.
Online they do.
Black Friday deal, got an email.
Dammit, it probably went to my spam.
Fucking Hulumail sucks.
Will you forward it to me?
I'd have to get back to you.
Let's get you down from there.
- Ohhh!
- Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!
Which button is it again?
- Which button is it?
- Terry!
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid.
Why are they all so excited
about keeping themselves alive?
Don't they know when you die
you come back stronger
and with an earthier flavor?
Sigourney Weaver is
your perfect Earth babe?
Uh, yeah!
She's a woman of science,
she already has
a prior relationship with aliens,
and she has the biceps
of a young Al Gore.
She's one handsome lady,
that's for sure.
I'd put a bun in that oven.
Yo, check it. This dickless dork has
a poster of Sigourney Weaver!
How dare you,
she's America's hot older aunt!
I know!
Which is why you have no business
hanging a poster of her in your locker.
She tried to save the Na'vi
while making smoking look cool again.
What the fuck did you ever do?
You will never be strong enough,
cool enough,
or confident enough to get
a woman like Sigi Weave.
Principal Cooke, are you gonna
do something about this bullying?
Two weeks detention for thinking
you could ever date
a goddess like Sigourney Weaver!
She won a spoken-word Grammy,
you piece of shit!
- You okay?
- What? Of course. Are you okay?
I am super, capital S.
I thought Stacy K. flicked a booger
at me in math
but turns out it was just an eraser,
so I guess we're BFFs now.
Jesus, Jesse, stop badgering me!
Fine, I'm not okay!
Is that what you want to hear?
I just, I want to destroy
those cool kids,
but Korvo deactivated
all the awesome weapons in my suit.
You know what you should do?
Go to a gym, start lifting weights,
maybe some CrossFit
and then when you're all swole and shit,
you can come back
and beat up all those cool kids.
You really think that would work?
Totally! So you're gonna take
my idea and hit the gym?
Hell, no, your ideas suck.
I know exactly what I'm gonna do.
They'll never see it coming!
- Don't say poisonous
- Poisonous snakes!
Hola, Korvito! I got you
some Texi-Mexi from Pedro's
to say sorry
for that little thing earlier.
I scored you a bunch of salsa!
Terry, for the last time,
salsa is not a real apology.
And you know the only food I like eating
at those Mexican restaurants
are those sliced radishes! Mm!
More for me! Hey, so what's this
bad boy all about?
Don't touch. This "bad boy"
can send warranty letters
back to the factory on Shlorp
that made the Diode in the first place.
Wait, didn't Shlorp blow up like
a new Lizzo single? Topical.
Yes, but this uses a temporal address
that can send the letter back in time
to before Shlorp went boom-boom-pow.
I was trying to piggyback
on-on-on your, on your reference to music.
Then they'll be able to fix this defect
before it even leaves the factory.
Now sit back and watch Korvo
as he fixes everything.
We got another complaint
about the defect
on Diode number zork-6915.
And also, who keeps eating my lunch?
Seriously. It has my name on it, guys.
Stop fucking smiling, Grant,
I know it's you!
Oh, I get it, so this mailbox works
just like the one
from the Sandy Bullock tear-jerker
The Lake House.
First, her God-given name
is Sandra, show some respect.
And second, this is a highly scientific,
carefully calibrated portal
that acts as a quantum time travel
customer service line.
It's not "like" some crappy movie
nobody's ever seen.
First, not a crappy movie.
Two, everybody's seen it.
And three, it's basically
the thing from the movie!
Goddammit, Terry, it's nothing
like The Lake House!
So it's a little exactly like
The Lake House.
Told ya!
Maybe now you'll finally believe that
I saw a "The Meg" when I went snorkeling.
Oh my god, you did not see
a "The Meg."
Let's get back to work,
and you need to clean up
the popcorn you spilled
when Keanu took his shirt off.
Yeah, no thanks on the whole
"getting back to work" plan.
Instead, I'm gonna crush
a big bag of Buffalo-flavored Snickers
while I lay here and fart.
Terry, straight-up, real talk,
why are you such a lazy piece of shit?
Great question, KV.
I was grown this way.
I've been lazy all my life,
ever since I was a little replicant
birddogging thotties on the playground.
Just me and the thots.
Wouldn't you rather be like me,
rule following, hardworking, slim.
Basically fucking amazing.
Look, nothing and no one
at this present time and space
is gwan change me.
You can't change me,
you can't change me
This gives me a very specific idea.
Computer, activate AISHA.
Korvo, make it quick,
you know I'm watchin' my stories.
If I were to change
the address on the letter
I send through The Lake House device ,
will it get delivered
to any Shlorpian in the past?
Technically, yes, but non-warranty
time travel voids the warranty.
Hmmm, I do like warranties.
But it's worth a shot.
Dearest Young Terry,
I pray this letter finds you well
My sincere hope is that
you will dedicate your life to science
and cleaning up and not being
such a lazy piece of shit.
The truth is,
if you don't do those things,
your blood will turn into shlorbats.
You know what they are.
Your friend, mystery person.
I'd better stop being lazy!
Sorry, Yum, I'm fresh out of
the super poisonous snakes.
What else you got, Derek?
These platypi got stingers in 'em
that emit a poison
that can seriously fuck somebody up.
Really? They look so cute.
Cute? Check this.
Rodney tests all my shit. Yo, Rod!
Show 'em, Ney.
Aah! Oh!
Sweet! I'll take ‘em.
Good morning, sleepy-peepy!
- You just getting up?
- Yes.
Ha-have you been getting
a jump start on the day?
You know it, my man!
I already did all the work on the ship,
cleaned the house, folded the laundry.
You know what they say,
if you're a lazy piece of shit,
your blood will turn to bats!
Holy fuck, The Lake House device worked!
This is a lot of power,
gotta be careful about not abusing it.
Are you eating Honey Nut Hulios
with a fork?
Uh, yeah, that's how you eat them.
I'm sorry if it's annoying.
I like the feeling
of the tines on my teeth.
Ugh. I'll be right back.
Korvo, just finishing eating my cereal
with a spoon like a normal person.
Hey, after I'm done,
do you want to spend all afternoon
ranking our favorite buttons on the ship?
I mean, number one has
to be laser number 17.
But number two who fucking knows!
- Ha, ha!
- I would love to.
Ow! Stop! Ow, heel, bitches!
When you're all swole and shit,
you can come back
and beat up all those cool kids.
That's a good idea ow!
Fuck you, platypussies!
Hello, my name is Yumyulack.
Yeah, I know it's a dope name.
I need to get super jacked and swole
with lots of muscles and confidence
so people will respect me
and I won't feel like such a loser.
So, obviously, the stakes are high.
Oh, and it has to be done
by the time school starts tomorrow.
Wish we could help, friend,
but we used to be losers just like you.
We thought if we just got buff
then people would respect us.
We spent years lifting weights
and shooting steroids.
I literally can't see my balls,
they've shrunk so much.
And then there's the acne.
We're taking backne,
crackne, and sackne.
The Holy Trinity, yo.
- But y-you guys look so confident.
- It's fake, man.
Take it from me,
you can't manufacture it
out of a cocktail of Viagra, HGH,
and some of Jon Hamm's pee.
It can't be built in a gym.
It has to be inside you the whole time.
Well, who has it then?
That guy.
That Pete Davidson-looking dork?
- What does he have?
- B-D-E.
Big Dick Energy.
Holy shit!
BDE is legit.
Oh yeah. But you can't get it,
you have to be born with it.
We'll sci-fi see about that.
Hey, Yum, how'd that platypus deal
work out for you?
I bailed on it. Went to the gym.
Oh, great. I knew I was right.
Nope, bailed on that too.
I'm making a large penis
for myself instead.
Wow, you've had quite a journey
since I last saw you.
It's called Big Dick Energy
and when I get it, I'll be unstoppable.
I don't know,
a big dick seems really dangerous.
Now let's take this new big dick
out for a spin.
- Whatever you want to do is cool.
- Damn right, it is.
Who dat hot boy,
who gone keep it realer ♪
Jewelry on my neck,
rockin' chinchilla ♪
Roll on fat rims,
tell 'em come and get it ♪
Yah luv the way I spit it,
get it how we live it ♪
We make a splash ♪
Yumyulack, sorry about the other day.
Here's a handsaw and some stuck porn
I confiscated off another kid.
We're good?
Yeah, w-w-we're good. Yeah.
Eh, there we go.
Finally finished washing the little guy!
If you don't clean the Pupa,
your blood turns to bats.
It's kind of amazing how many things
turn your blood to bats, you know.
Oh, ha, I know all about that.
Uh, okay, so it's time for movie night.
I thought we could screen
this training video about levers.
It's-it's very captivating.
Ohhh, "F" that weak noise!
We're watching
all the Fast and Furious movies
in chronological order!
The way Vinnie Diesel intended it.
I'll be right back.
Levers! Levers! Levers!
Levers are the best!
Oh, you guys are just in time
for movie night.
We're watching this awesome doc on
Nah, fam, for once we're watching
what I want to watch,
either YouTube clips
of Russian car accidents or Paddington 2.
- Whatever you want.
- Sounds great.
Oh geez. BDE is real.
And it is formidable.
It's wavey, baby, it's wavey ♪
Yo, yo, check it, this is my imitation
of a guy in Fortnite.
Oh, I'm walking into a wall,
what am I gonna do?
Yum, your shit is L-M-A-O.
You're like a real-life meme.
It's wavey, baby, it's wavey ♪
Terry, um, could you clean and prepare
all 72,000 micronauts.
I-I-I need to fix the hyderdeck?
You bet your butt, Team Leader!
Put your money up,
or else I gotta go ♪
My wrist frostbit,
blinded by the ice ♪
Breaking big bills,
shaking that dice ♪
Oriental rugs,
to wipe my shoes on ♪
Sipping champagne,
whippin' dat wood grain ♪
I could buy a mansion,
if I sold my chain ♪
Already got those,
I'm living alright ♪
Don't forget to tune in this week
for Saturday Night Live
with host Yumyulack
and musical guest Yumyulack!
I gotta tell you, this BDE thing
is hella cray-cray.
You even made the WNBA cool.
Like, to everybody. Not just me.
It's actually a better brand
of basketball than the men's game
'cause they have to focus
on the fundamentals.
Idris Elba?
Star of HBO's The Wire?
I loved you in Molly's Game!
You had so many words to say ,
and you got almost some of them right!
'Ello, Jesse.
You know my name?
I'm seriously going to plotz.
I know everything about you.
And your boy Yumyulack here.
We've been watching you.
Who's been watching me, Idris Elba?
The Big Dick Energy Council.
We are a secret and mystic fraternity,
too complicated to explain, mate
Oh, let me guess, it's like a bunch
of people with big dicks?
Yep, that's pretty much it.
But you have to understand,
for centuries,
our council has been tasked
with keeping a delicate balance
of energy in the world,
but your new BDE
is buggering it all up.
Buggering means fucking in British.
I know what buggering means!
I came to offer you
a spot on the council.
Christian Bale stepped down after he lost
all that penis weight for a movie.
You could be one of the greats,
but only we can show you
how to harness your power for good.
My answer is no!
I don't need you or your stupid council!
BDE is a power stronger than any man
and if you're not careful,
it will consume you.
Are you threatening me, Idris Elba?
Just keeping it real, mate.
Well, why don't you keep
this real, mate.
I'm gonna make a dick so big
that you and your stupid council
will be begging me to suck it!
Mmm, ass smells like Luther.
Alright, this is usually when
the ship starts to drag because of
The effects of zero gravity
but if we just
the constant thrust trajectory
time dilation won't be a problem!
I gotta say, Terry.
Working on the ship with you,
it just makes me so happy.
This is perfect. You are perfect.
Nothing more needs to be done.
Man, I feel the same way.
I love working on sci-fi stuff with you.
It's so tight!
Ech, I hate when you say that.
What? "Tight"?
Too bad 'cause saying tight is like
the tightest tight thing of all,
so I'm gonna keep saying it
until "lit" gets cool again.
Tight! Tighty-tight tight!
I'll be right back.
This is it. Last one.
I swear. No more after this.
Terry, should we get back
to our non-tight sci-fi stuff?
Are you okay? Terry?
- Come on. Come on.
- Terry!
- What are you doing?
- I'm hosting SNL this week,
and I need all the BDE I can summon
'cause I'm not funny!
But Idris Elba told you
not to mess with the BDE!
Idris Elba doesn't know dick from dick!
And he sure as hell doesn't know dick
from two dicks!
Oh fuck, I fucked up!
I-I-I broke Terry.
Korvo! I'm gonna kill you!
Terry, I'm really sorry
about what happened.
But don't worry, I-I'm gonna write you
a letter saying "be yourself"
or-or something more eloquent.
I-I'll workshop it, you know,
for a little while probably
I promise you will go back
to being the way you were!
I don't wanna change!
I like who I am now!
I like wearing women's eye shadow
and murdering you!
It's Saturday Night Live !
Ladies and gentlemen,
your host, Yumyulack!
Oh my god!
Run! Everyone run!
I can't control it.
Idris Elba was right.
Idris Elba was right!
We have no choice!
We're running out of time, goddammit!
- We have to blow Yumyulack up.
- No!
But, General Mills,
it will destroy Manhattan
and kill thousands of innocent people!
General Hospital, it's a loss
I am willing to take.
Plus, the improv scene's dead here anyway.
Alright, it's DEFDICK ONE.
It's time to ready the bombers!
There's only one person that can help.
I just hope I can get to them on time
without giving away who it is.
Ahh! Ahh!
Sigourney Weaver? Is that you?
It is I, Susan Alexander Weaver.
Wait, that's your real name?
- Yes, but I go by Sigourney.
- Good call.
Sigourney, I went too far.
I flew too close to the big dick sun
and now everyone is gonna die.
Hush, my child.
No one is dying today.
Because I have the one and only thing,
since the beginning of time,
that can stop BDE.
You see, I am made of pure NFG.
No Fucks Given.
Yes, that's right,
my sweet, sweet boy,
I don't give a fuck.
That's so cool.
I was thinking of getting
the Arby's logo tattooed on my back.
No. Now just sit back and relax.
That was amazing.
You saved the world.
Yumyulack, you don't need BDE
to become the person you want to be.
You just have to believe in yourself
and, say it with me now
- Not give a fuck.
- Sell weed to the cool kids.
Right, sorry, not give a fuck.
I'm so glad your penises
aren't blowing up anymore.
I got to meet Sigourney Weaver.
- I know, I called her. And she came!
- But how did you
I'm a junior member!
I can't vote at meetings,
but I do get a hoodie.
But I-I don't understand,
you were under my BDE spell.
I was just watching and waiting
for the right time.
Wh-why did you wait until after
my dicks blew up and destroyed the city?
I told you I'm a junior member!
I don't know all the stuff yet!
Terry, this is all my fault.
I wrote those letters to make you
into something that you weren't.
It turned you into a murderous psychopath.
That was wrong.
If you let me send this last letter,
it will undo everything. I promise.
- You promise?
- Yes, Terry! I promise.
Too late.
Read it, Terry.
Don't be a little bitch.
I will never read it.
This is who I am now.
And nothing will change me!
Dearest Terry, just be yourself.
That will always be good enough for me.
Also, blood can't turn into shlorbats.
I can't believe you bought that,
it's so dumb.
You're the dumbest idiot ever, ha ha ha.
Your friend, Korvo.
Dear Korvo,
if you are ever being chased
by a super-handsome
murderous psychopath,
turn left!
Turn left! I have to turn left!
Hey, hey! Korvotron, you okay?
I'm chopping up some tomatoes
to make my special salsa.
Dude, I hope you aren't getting sick,
'cause I am really not feeling like
doing any work on the ship today.
Come on, you wanna watch
all the Fast and Furious movies with me,
including Fast and the Furious Presents:
Hobbs and Shaw?
Yes, Terry,
that would be tight.
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