Solar Opposites (2020) s02e04 Episode Script

The Emergency Urbanizer

[dramatic theme playing]

Hey, Korvo, you care
if I take a Tiki nap in here?
I don't know why it's easier to drink
and sleep on the couch than in bed.
But it is.
Go ahead, Terry.
I'm just using the peace and quiet
to re-catalogue
all 10,000 data spikes.
It's so relaxing.
[door slams open]
[grunting, lasers firing]
Terry, Korvo!
Jesse got eyeliner
all over my holocron,
and now it won't work!
I'm experimenting with eyebrows!
Stop judging us
with your facial hair!
What on Gorb's Grey Grible
is going on here!?
[shouting over each other]
and a landing strip like Staci K!
Shut up!
Why aren't you at school?
Double duh, school's closed.
Oh great, what is it this time?
Another one of
their meaningless holidays
like Apple Pie Day
or Yom Kapper?
No, it's summer. We learned
about it last year, remember?
The whole ice lava thing?
No, what?
I guess we'll just have
to stomach one extra day
of you two taking up
our adult space.
Probably better than you
being molested at that school.
Summer break's
three months long.
Aw man.
Three months?
That's like one 90 Day Fiancé!
Yeah, and you better not be riding
our crack like this the whole time.
Summer is when we get to do
anything we want.
- Like a screaming competition.
- Go!
[both screaming]
This summer thing is not going
to work for me, Terry.
It's worse than the nightmare
on Helms Street,
which is what they call the time
a Port-a-Potty emptying truck
tipped over
on Ed Helms' private drive.
Such a waste of poop.
I don't want
the replicants at home!
I can't take three months
of this, Terry!
I like them for 45 minutes
in the morning
and maybe a couple of hours
at night, tops.
Well, we obviously have
to kill the replicants.
It does make the most sense.
We can always grow new ones.
Let's do it quick,
before we get too attached to these.
What are we talkin', poison?
Put 'em in a bag
and throw them in a quarry?
I was thinking we could maybe
just shave some glass into their food.
I could use my pillow as a silencer
and shoot them in their sleep?
Right in their fuckin' face.
Or use the pillow
for a good old-fashioned smothering.
Just like the ones we see
on TV and movies, Terry.
Looks like the Solar Opposites
are killing their replicants!
Um, excuse me.
Hi, Terry. Korvo.
I couldn't help but overhear you debating
different ways to kill your children.
- That is correct.
- Mind your own business,
you old bowl of soup.
Why don't you just send them
to summer camp?
Pretend we don't know anything
and walk us through it.
Thank God this camp thing came up.
Jesse and I were just about
to kill you guys.
What? We were about
to kill you guys too!
That is so funny.
Great minds think alike!
ALL: [chanting]
Camp! Camp! Camp!
Camp! Camp! Camp!
Hey! It's a camp thing!
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid.
I don't understand
why people like daylight so much.
It's so loud
when it hits your skin.

Ooh, ooh, camp sounds amazing.
I'm excited to use
my bounty hunting skills
to hunt down and torture those
who have captured the flag.
And I'm excited
for a sexual awakening.
I heard last year Julia Howland
went to camp a girl
and came back a woman.
But then it turned out
it actually was a woman
and they never found Julia's body.
Crazy, huh?
Well, I'm excited to perform something
from Angels in America on talent night.
I took out all the gay stuff
and doubled the angels.
You're not going to camp, Terry!
The whole point is that
we're gonna have the house to ourselves.
Are you still Tiki drunk?
- No. [slurping]
- Terry, t-take your next left.
[tires squealing]
[dramatic music playing]
[bird screeches]
[tires squealing]
- This is camp?
- No, don't be dumb.
It's much, much deeper
in the woods.
Okay, guys, remember:
we parked by trees.
Halt. This is camp.
Goodbye, we're leaving. Good luck.
Wha it-it looks the same
as where we parked.
Yeah, this just feels like
the regular old woods.
Where's camp?
We talked to our creepy, bitchy neighbor
for almost five minutes about this,
so I know for sure
that this is camp.
We leave you here
for two or three weeks,
and you learn to swim or some shit,
and then we come pick you up.
The end.
- Done and done.
- Cool, works for me.
We'll visit over parents' weekend.
Okay, bye.
No, we won't. Terry, are you sure
the car is this way?
I took four units of pathfinding
at the academy
to prepare for life
on dangerous alien worlds.
I think I can walk us
out of the woods.
[eagle screeches]
What the fuck, Terry?
Just admit it, we're lost!
It's just up here, I promise.
Camp sucks, there's not even
a flag to capture.
Hey, how long does it take
to sexually awaken?
I whittled a boyfriend to grind on,
you know, for when it happens.
This is Nate Jacobs.
We met at his bark-mitzvah.
- Can we just go home?
- Yes.
- Except we're lost.
- I knew it!
All because you couldn't stop drinking
those stupid Tiki drinks.
They're not stupid! I find my way
out of the woods better when I'm drunk.
You ever even had any of these?
This one's from a coconut.
- [Korvo grunts]
- Aw!
How can we possibly be lost?
We have access to the most sophisticated
tracking equipment in the quadrant.
I left it in the car, okay.
We're going to be trapped here
until we die,
and I'll never get to have
a 500 Days of Summer quirky romance
with a manic pixie dream boy!
Everybody calm down.
I'm an expert trailblazer.
We just have to follow
the dimmest star,
it'll always lead
directly South.
[owl hoots]
All the stars are dim
on this stupid planet!
[gasps] Why is there
a branch through my shoulder?
Because you said
if we didn't eat soon
you were going to ram a branch
through your shoulder.
And that was six weeks ago.
Oh right, yeah,
I guess I'm in shock.

There's no question anymore,
we have a serial killer on our hands.
Whoa, we're going straight
to judging people
just because of five
identical murders?
I'm not convinced.
I still think a cricket did it.
A cricket?
Could a cricket kill
five random men,
surgically remove their organs,
and place their corpses
in the shape of a winky face?
Have you seen Pinocchio?
[snickers] Yeah. Who knows
what they could accomplish
if they put their minds
to murdering.
Or worse, their legs.
Ooh, what if it's
two crickets working together?
Or one original homicidal cricket
and then a copy cricket.
Can I just throw out there
that we probably just have
one regular human murderer
and not two
genius-level killer crickets.
You're letting
your imagination run wild.
You're not an executive story editor
on the hit FOX drama Bones anymore.
This is real life.
These are real people
we're talking about,
not characters played by
the eminently watchable Emily Deschanel.
Are you even listening to me?
No, if there's one thing
I learned on Bones,
it's never get between Boreanaz
and second dinner.
But another thing was:
go with your gut.
And my gut says
we gotta move fast.
Nate! Mwah! Mwah!
Nate, you're back. I missed you.
Oh! Nate!
Not in front of my family.
- We're back where we started?
- Are we gonna die out here?
Wait, I can't die yet!
We haven't even finished
our camp story arc.
What happens with all that?
That's not how life works,
we're not on TV.
We're starving to death
in the woods.
We don't have time to learn
the value of sharing or whatever.
So now instead of camp,
it's just a lost in the woods story?
Would you stop trying
to make it a story?
We are lost
in the woods, though!
Not for long,
we have one more option.
It's typically reserved to survive
the most barren, inhospitable planets,
but desperate times
call for desperate measures.
Yumyulack, it's time.
- Ohh!
- Are you sure?
We're dying, we have to.
Uhh what are you
talking about?
The Emergency Urbanizer.
It's a life raft for the land.
We only have one of these,
we can never do it again.
Quit wasting time, Yumyulack.
We all know the stakes.
They've been tapped multiple times.
Just do it.
[gun fires]
[ground rumbling, leaves rustling]
["Rhapsody in Blue"
by George Gershwin playing]

[all screaming]
[all gasp]
[horn honks]
HALK: The seven
on that scrap of paper,
it's a clue.
Our guy must live in Sector 7.
I can feel it in my bones.
Episode 21, never aired.
Pre-empted by the killing
of Bin Laden.
Good episode. Bobby Cannavale
guest starred as a pimp.
Wow, I didn't know
crickets could use paper.
You see how smart
they are?
[tense music playing]
[door creaks]
Bingo. Somebody killed
some shit up in this piece.

- Freeze! Get him! Get him!
- Ah!
[spits, gasps]
He was not!
ENRIQUE: Yuh-huh, he was
totally reaching for something!
We saved your life!
A "thank you" would be nice.
We could have
brought him in alive!
Wait, whoa, whoa. Wait, whoa!
We didn't discuss that at all.
We thought we were supposed
to staple him immediately.
You should be happy
your theory was right.
It wasn't a cricket after all.
And we got him!
- ENRIQUE: Woo-hoo-hoo!
- SONNY: Oh yeah! Ha ha ha!
[horns honking]
Who knows where the car is
at this point?
It could take us days to find.
Holy guacamole!
What is this place?
It's complicated.
There's a tourist video station
over there.
Come on,
we'll go watch.
Howdy, I'm wood actor
Wooden Harrelson,
star of the upcoming film
Now You Three Me:
Escape from the Pokerverse.
Welcome to The Wooden City,
the most exciting,
actually growing city in the world.
The Wooden City
is just like a regular city,
except algorithmically generated
from materials available
in the woods.
Except the animals.
They are real,
and they will kill you.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have an 8:30 at Dorsia.
That's right, it's not
all forest puns here.
The good news: we're not lost
in the woods anymore.
The bad news: we're now lost
in a giant big wooden city.
[wolf howling]
We just need to make
enough money to rent a car
so we can drive back
to where we parked our actual car
and get the hell out of here.
Let's split up and all get jobs.
That way, it'll go faster.
But shouldn't we stick together?
No. It would be faster
if we all went and got our own jobs
and made money
as fast as possible.
This isn't a game.
It's survival.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Now the story isn't about camp
or being lost in the woods,
it's about surviving
in the big city?
Yeah, or it could be
a Godzilla story,
so keep your eyes open.
Okay, I have a ton of notes.
This is gonna be awesome!
We're in the big city!
You can be anything
you want out here:
super hero, politician, orthodontist.
I'm going to be
a famous ten-figure actor
and then maybe retire
as a two-figure voice actor.
Come on, kid, what have you
always wanted to be?
What's your craziest dream?
Spill it, we're all havin' fun.
I have always wanted
to work in fashion.
I'm gonna work in finance because
I've always wanted to be a shit head.
That a boy, dream big.
Okay, you all have
your big city stories now.
Remember, we just need money
to get a car to get to our car.
What are you gonna do?
I-I don't know yet, so I'm just gonna
walk around and look for a sign.
Everyone, meet back here tonight
with all the money we've earned!

I wanted oak, not maple,
you stupid birch.
- [hawk screeches]
- Ah! Help me!
You're fired. Have a
carried-off-by-a-hawk life.
- You!
- [gasps] Me?
You're my assistant now.
Pick up those acorns
and follow me.
ASSISTANT: Oh my god!
[hawk screeching]
Stop it! Ah!
Five million? I don't get outta bed
for under ten, you stinky cock smoocher!
Wow, that is, without a doubt,
the coolest guy I've ever seen.
Even the statues are cool.
Ah! [panting]
Ten million? I don't get
outta bed for under five!
Wait, no.
Ten million I will humbly accept.
[all cheering]
[cork pops]
- [gasps]
- MAN: Hey, dickless!
- You the new kid?
- Oh, uh yeah? Yes.
Then pick up a fucking phone
and make me some fucking money!
[woman screams]
Ayy, relax, kid. You done good.
You done real good.
Why don't you come down
and see me at the cab stand.
We could use a kid like you.
Ever since I could remember,
I wanted to be a gangster.
[swing music playing]
Uh, ahem. Hello
[Korvo screaming]
Aah! Oh man. He was like,
"You shot me, bro!"
Ha ha ha, yeah.
'Cause you shot him!
That was so classic.
Boom boom, you're dead.
Yo, what's up your ass, hombre?
You're a Wall hero again.
And just in time for Cherie Day!
Something doesn't feel right.
What doesn't feel right
is you haven't had
enough fermented piss
to celebrate!
[laughing, cheering]
Oh, I, um, just realized I left
my favorite, uh, piss mug at home.
Aw, man, go get it!
They say love is blind
when you're of a hive mind ♪
But it's hard
to find that honey ♪
Since our numbers
have declined ♪
- [panting]
- Next.
You mean,
like next round of auditions?
Typically, that's called
a callback.
Or do you mean next step
in the process which is what, wardrobe?
That's perfect because I have
some thoughts on bees and wasps
No. I meant next audition.
You were wildly talentless
in every way
except making us feel
embarrassed for you.
Are you serious?
I'm embarrassed for you
that you can't see generational talent
when it's right in front
of your fuckin' faces!
Sweetie, the only chance you have
at being referred to as "talent"
is if you become
a prostitute.
A prostitute!? Ha! I would never.
Do you hear me? Never!
It's not a blow job, sweetie.
It's a blow career.
You can't just start at the top,
you gotta, you Hey!
You wanna have
some fun, sugar?
- How much?
- Uhh, ten grand an hour.
No fuckin' way
Fine, fine, fine, fine.
Five hundred for two hours.
Hands and mouth only.
Best and final.
A-a hundred an hour.
Buy two, get six free. No holes barred.
A-a-alright, okay.
Four bucks, clock's off,
you can pull my teeth out,
bang me to Bethlehem,
and leave me for dead.
My one request is that
you get me drunk first.
Or I can do it sober, whatever.
I guess that's just life
in the big city,
would be the perfect line
to say to launch into a montage.
Oh! Oh my god,
it's happening!
[Duran Duran's
"Hungry Like the Wolf" playing]
Darken the city,
night is a wire ♪
Steam in the subway ♪
Do do do do do do do
do-do do-do-do do-do ♪
Nope, no, maybe,
nope, no,
too hippy, no,
needs more brow, no,
kill yourself, kill me,
this is brilliant,
get cancer, I love you,
die in World War Z.
Jesse, I don't know what to say.
Sorry for how things unfolded.
If you would just let me explain.
I'm ruined.
Have yourself
a slapped-in-the-face evening.
[all applauding]
Fifty million bottles of champagne
for our $50 million man!
Fifty million,
that's what I'm talking about!
And I'm hungry like the wolf ♪
Get out.

All I wanted to do was get money
to get a car to get to our car.
Seemed so simple.
[glass shatters]
[cocks gun]
And of course,
you couldn't be bothered
to attend
Yumyulack Junior's christening
'cause you're too busy putting your nose
in a pile of cocaine
and your dick in a pile
of crack cocaine!
Okay, what if I did fuck
crack cocaine?
What difference would it make?
You don't know anything
about me anymore, Cindeen!
I know one thing about you:
You're about to be divorced!
I wish I'd never bought
this wooden penis!
[door slams]
Trip, the FBI's here
but we're fine, right?
Nothing to worry about? Trip?
Yeah, yeah, we're fine, bud.
Don't even worry about it.
Let 'em do their thing.
It's all good. All good.
- [gunshot]
- Oh my god, Trip!
[crying, shouting]
[handcuffs clicking]
Alright, everyone. Don't panic.
We're gonna beat this.
We're gonna be just fine.
[man screams]
Scent and a sound ♪
I'm lost and I'm found ♪
And I'm hungry like the wolf ♪
Strut on a line ♪
[knocking on door]
I howl and I whine
I'm after you ♪
Mouth is alive ♪
[wolf growling]
[glass shatters]
- [growls]
- Ah!
Son of a bitch!
Ah, fuck!
I'm trying to do a mafia story,
you piece of shit!

[foreboding music playing]

[faint clattering]
[dramatic music playing]

[Halk grunts]


[people shouting and crying]
[both grunting]
[woman screams]
[man screams]
[man screams]
[both screaming]
[light jazz music playing]
Oh, I simply adore
your gown, Jesse.
You truly are the queen
of Wooden City fashion.
- Whatever.
- Congrats on all your success.
Who gives a shit.
You guys came?
It's good to see you.
How's everyone doing?
Me? Oh I'm doing great.
Started a big hedge fund,
got an office at the top
of the Squirrel Trade Center,
played by the rules.
Nice guys finish first.
What else can I say?
No major issues personally
or professionally.
Ditto for me.
Built myself a sweet little career
in the customer service industry.
I'm my own boss
so I set my own hours,
come and go as I please.
Taking some risks
with my attire, so be it.
Who the fuck
are you to judge?
No judgments here.
For I am
- Bleeding?
- Bleeding? No, this is,
uh, party sauce.
I'm doing great also,
so don't question me.
Fell in with
a great group of guys.
We mostly do, uh, construction.
My best friends are Jimmy The Trigger,
Ronny Kills-A-Lot,
and Guido The Stone Cold Psycho.
I'm very happy for you all.
Because, as you can see,
I've reached the pinnacle
of the fashion world.
All my dreams have come true,
and I've never been happier.
I love it here.
End of story.
Well, I think I'm gonna take off.
Yeah, I have
a really important sales cum
I mean, conference balls
no, I mean a team skeeting
uh, shaftholder meeting
I mean,
my shattered ass is healing
Bleh, I'm shattering
the glass ceiling.
I should go as well.
I'm pretty heavily party saucing.
L-losing strength
Wait! Guys!
The truth is, it may look like
I'm doing well on the outside,
but I'm very lonely.
I miss you guys.
I know we're all deep
into our separate lives,
but I'd like it
if you could stay.
I mean,
just for a little.
To be honest, I flew
too close to the sun.
By which I mean
committed several financial crimes.
Plus I got divorced,
company got raided by the FBI,
and all my coworkers
killed themselves.
I'm hurt real bad.
I just wanted to be a gangster,
but I kept getting attacked by wolves.
I know this may come as a huge shock,
but I haven't been honest either.
I'm a sex worker, and I let
lonely tree men pay to fuck me.
We got so wrapped up
surviving in the big city,
getting sucked into our new lives,
but are any of us
really happy?
I was happier when we were
just a regular alien team.
Not just a team, a team family.
We all lost sight of our goal:
making enough money
to get back to our old life
so we could all be
together again.
We've picked our path,
and we can never go home again.
Um, guys?
The city's on fire.
KORVO: Jesus Christ,
it's that flaming wolf that ran off!
- We have to go home!
- Wait a second.
Is that our car?
Way out there in the distance?
Quick, before we burn alive!
[people screaming]
[horn blaring]
[engine starts]
Bye, camp! I'll miss you!
See you next summer!
[tires squealing]
Ah. This is nice.
I may have overreacted
to you two being home from school.
Sometimes it's not awful
to share the house with you.
Yes, we did it!
The Solar Opposites emotionally arced!
[Italian accent]
Now that's a-story!
Fuck you. No, it wasn't.
No, wait, w-we did arc!
I-I'm proud of all of us.
Just in time because we go back
to school tomorrow.
Oh really?
Th-th-that's a bummer.
See, I knew you'd come around
and want to spend more time with us!
Oh no, it's a bummer because I thought
summer was two more months
and I already poisoned you.
Ah, geez, I'll get the antidote.
NEWS ANCHOR: The mysterious wooden city
that recently appeared out of nowhere
tragically burned
to the ground last week
in a fire
experts are calling inevitable.
I gotta be honest, I feel bad
The Wooden City is gone.
They had a really good Arby's
to get fucked in.
It's for the best. The Wooden City
turned us into our worst selves.
We're lucky it's gone forever
But miraculously,
it has grown back
stronger than ever before
and will now be hosting
the Summer Olympics in 2028.
- Wait, what'd they say?
- Nothing!
Nobody's going back
to The Wooden City.
Now go to your room
and take your antidote!
it might be too late.

Ah. It's so peaceful
here in the woods.
Finally, some peace and quiet.
Am I right?
You know, without summer break,
we would have never found this condo.
Sometimes life finds a way.
[sirens blaring in distance]
- [roars]
- Shit, a moose!
- Terry, run!
- It's got me! It hurts! No!
Oh Jesus, fuck, it bit my leg off!
[both shouting indistinctly]
[glass shattering]
TERRY: Oh, it stinks!
You never really know
how bad moose stinks!
Oh, it stinks like shit!
[theme music playing]

[mimicking laser fire]
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