Solar Opposites (2020) s02e08 Episode Script

The Solar Opposites Almost Get an Xbox

Good job, guys!
All in all, I'd say it was
a pretty successful
Eyes Wide Shut sex party
slash fundraiser for UNICEF.
The time traveling glory hole
was a great touch.
Dirty Randy's still going at it,
aren't ya, bud?
Whoa-ho! My dong inadvertently caused
the assassination of JFK!
Wasn't that a B-story
on Modern Family?
That party sucked.
No one wanted to sacrifice Ragu.
No way the petting zoo's
gonna take him back
with that haunted look
in his eyes.
I finally did it!
I perfectly deboned this brrranzino.
It took me 147 tries but
Wait, wh-where is everyone?
Party's over, man.
You took too long with the fish.
I told you,
just order Burger Lounge.
Everyone at an orgy expects
to be eating Burger Lounge.
Burger Lounge:
Eat Clean, Fuck Dirty.
I guess I'll just enjoy this
perfectly deboned European Sea Bass
by myself.
Should we save him?
Yeah, I guess give him
the Shlorplich maneuver.
Just for the record, I was just
pretending to choke.
Ah crap, the Pupa's blue.
- Uh, what does that mean?
- You're the Pupa specialist!
Right and what does that mean?
Aisha, access the Pupa's
informational color swatches.
Okay, royal blue means
the Pupa has kennel cough,
cornflower blue means one of us just had
a sex dream about the other one,
navy blue means
his Hulu plan is expiring,
robin's egg blue means
we get a free Xbox,
Pacific blue means
we all die at midnight!
We were so close
to gettin' that Xbox!
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into,
uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is, this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa.
Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid.
They love having robots do their jobs,
but they don't create
a system of universal income
so they can have money
after the robots take their jobs.
It makes no sense!
Okay, let me break it down for you.
Oh yeah, baby, break it down,
break it down
Shut the fuck up, Terry!
Since the Pupa's turned blue,
he's been emitting a protein dust
that triggers a natural mechanism
in our bodies
that kills us in 12 hours.
Ooh, stakes!
People are listening now!
After we die,
the Pupa will eat us,
then evolve and terraform
this shit stain of a planet
into the image of our home world.
Hey, alright! That means
we're closer to completing the mission.
We are so good at this!
I bet when I die,
I'll be so popular at school.
Last year, Jeannie Scarlatos
got crowned homecoming queen
after a moose kicked her in the heart.
Ooh, I've never died before!
But I have seen Weekend at Bernie's
like a hundred times,
so I guarantee
it's gonna be hilarious.
You know, dying is gonna
be great for all of us.
Let's gather all our stuff
and burn it on the front lawn.
I don't want any humans
touching my shit while I'm dead.
And then we can dig
the pits we die in.
Ooh, I gotta get
my shovel back from Keith.
Better hurry,
Pupa's looking hungry.
Keith, whatever dumb shit
you're doing right now, stop.
Korvo! Hey, buddy,
check out my new business:
"Fruit By Keith By The Foot."
I'm making
my own fruit snacks.
I don't have time
for your crazy neighbor antics.
Give me back my shovel.
Oh okay. You digging
a hole or something?
If you must know, I'm gonna be dying
in about 12 hours,
and I need to dig my death hole.
Oh my God. Korvo,
I'm so sorry. Are you sick?
No, it's complicated alien shit.
I'm not gonna sit here
and explain it to a moron.
Well, I gotta say,
I'm impressed with your attitude.
If I knew I was going to die today,
I'd be freaking out.
What? Why?
I mean, you know, death is so final.
There's so much I'd feel like I need
to do in my life before I die.
What do you mean "death is final"?
Oh, oh, guys. Um, after we burn
our stuff, let's salt the Earth,
- you know, like, just for safety.
- Guys! Guys, stop!
We were lied to about
what happens when you die!
Does this mean
we actually get that Xbox?
I call first dibs, I wanna play
the Moonlight LEGO game!
Do know what YOLO means?
Isn't it like
the white version of FUBU?
No! Keith just told me
that when you die, that's it,
you don't get
to do anything after!
Y-you cease to exist!
What? No, no, no, no.
Look, I watch a lot of cartoons,
and death is not a big deal.
those cartoons aren't accurate!
This whole time, we were supposed
to be living fulfilling lives!
He's also making
his own fruit leather,
and I made fun of it until I tried some,
and it's actually really good.
But we're dying in 11 hours.
Well, how are we supposed
to live full lives
in the same amount of time
it takes to digest a McFlurry?
Hey! Maybe we're already fulfilled.
One of my tweets did get
a like from Post Malone.
He's pretty busy.
Oh my God, you're right!
Maybe we are fulfilled. To the ship!
The dictionary defines fulfillment as
"being satisfied or happy as a result
of fully developing one's character."
Okay, yeah, tha
I mean, that sounds like us.
We've done that, I think.
Ayeesh, pull up
the fulfillment meters.
Fuck ass, look at that!
We're hardly fulfilled at all!
Aisha, how much time
do we have until death?
Eleven hours,
43 minutes, and 23 seconds.
- Cripes!
- Aw, fuckers!
Okay, calm down.
We still have time to get fulfilled.
It's gonna be tight,
so no time to waste.
Everyone needs to write down all
the things that will make you fulfilled.
You have one hour. Go!
Ugh, why did we waste a whole hour
writing these ideas?
I did mine in, like, five minutes
then Googled up-kilt pictures
the rest of the time.
There's some
big ol' dongs in that.
Geez, there's a lot of these.
"Learn how to crip walk."
"Shoot an avenge porn."
"Fight the Property Brothers."
Yay! The pink ones are mine!
Crip walk dancing isn't gonna
move the needle.
We have to do the one that makes us
the most fulfilled
in the least amount of time.
Win a Teen Choice Award?
It's the last step
to winning an AGOT.
Adult Video News, Grammy,
Oscar, and Teen Choice.
Part of an AGOT won't do it.
You need the whole AGOT.
- End global warming?
- That's mine.
I don't know, it felt like something
people talk about, right?
Too easy. We could just do that
with our End Global Warming Ray.
Hunt down and kill Carmen Sandiego.
Hell yeah, this one's mine.
Fuck Carmen Sandiego,
always rubbing it in our face
that she gets to travel for a living!
"Help a rag-tag group of kids
win a sports championship."
- Hey, that's it!
- What?
Why would we care about that?
It sounds stupid.
Hey, that's not stupid,
that's my idea!
Yes, we don't care about it.
But if we do care about it
after we finish, then we'll be fulfilled
just like Gordon Bombay
in The Mighty Ducks!
Told you it wasn't stupid, Yumyulack!
Oh, it was totally stupid, Jesse.
But then I figured out
a way to make it cool.
Come on, no time to waste.
you motherfuckers are back again?
We need you to find us
the nearest championship game.
Okay, it's kinda out of season
but let me see.
The closest option
is a water polo championship
in Rio De Janeiro.
Y'all got swimming suits?
Ugh, water polo is just wet hockey.
It'll have to do.
The Solar Opposites are going
to Brazil to get fulfilled!
Stop that! We don't have time
for any cool establishing shots!
Ah, that took way too long!
Come on, let's find the rag-taggers
and get on with this.
Holy guacamole, mama like.
Goddammit, none of these guys
are rag-taggy at all.
They swim all day, of course they look
like Greek fucking Gods.
Who cares? Just pick a team
and I'll zap 'em with the Rag Tag Ray.
Asthmatic and from a C-list
South American country? Boom.
Now they're tagged to the rag.
- You missed one.
- No, I didn't.
I just want to win for my dad.
He has butt cancer
in his heart.
Okay, guys, I know you're super rag-tag
and down on your luck
but if you listen to our coaching
and work as a team,
we can go all the way!
Plus we have to do this
as fast as possible.
I just want to make my dad proud.
He got his heart butt cancer
from smoking.
We get it.
I love you, butt cancer dad!
Thank you for making us champions.
But can you turn me back to young.
I was so hot
and had a beautiful voice
and got tons of pussy.
No, we have to get back
and see how fulfilled we are.
Hurry, hurry! Check the meters.
Are-are-are we fulfilled?
I feel pretty dang satisfied!
Oh shit!
They've hardly moved at all.
No! That should've worked.
We wasted so much time
on that stupid water polo thing.
Jesus Christ,
the Pupa looks so hungry.
I can't go down like this!
Ugh! You know what?
You're all holding me back!
Fuck you, guys,
I'm getting fulfilled by myself!
- Okay, I'm gonna go. Fuck you!
- Give me a slip.
Fuck you losers!
Help an old lady across the street.
Why are all of Korvo's ideas
about doing stuff to old ladies?
Hey, Granny! Stop!
- Ugh! You're hurting me!
- No, I'm not, this is helping!
I need to go to the bus
on the other side of the street.
No time!
I'm getting fulfilled!
- Ah, what the fuck! Ah!
- Eat shit!
Teach someone to read.
Ugh, stupid Jesse.
Why can't I do
something awesome,
like see how many grapes
I can fit in my mouth?
Now your baby can read.
You're welcome!
What? Why?
Now you can read.
Getting fulfilled!
I could already read,
I'm a famous novelist.
Now your hat can read!
Stop that!
What are you doing?
- Your car can read!
- Help!
This alien is educating
my things!
Stop right there, you dirty alien!
Oh God, I can read?
What if I gain empathy?
What if I learn things
that force me to re-evaluate
my hardline conservative opinions?
- Ahh!
- Oh my God!
I don't have a lot of time,
so I have to learn how to skydive
and get baptized
at the same time.
I'm certified by the FAA
and our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ!
Dunk your head in the holy water!
Korvo, I now baptize you in the name
of the Father, Son, and the
Oh shit, I dropped the bowl!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Oh, looks like God was on our side!
Although his ways are mysterious.
What are you doing, little girl?
I'm freein' the Willys,
ya dumb cracker!
Have fun being free, Willys!
Alright, Jake Slater,
you have been kissed.
Just to be clear, this probably would have
fulfilled Jesse more than me.
Whoa. I've never been kissed
like that before.
Will you go to prom with me?
Depends on what you're wearing!
- What the fuck are you doing here?
- Hello, Ms. Frankie.
Yumyulack wanted to tell you
"to go fuck yourself twice,
you has-been bag
of stinky dog piss."
- Hurtful but continue.
- And Terry wanted to
- Oh, hells no.
- What is it?
I hear your heart beat ♪
To the beat of the drums ♪
I'm watching you!
- But I'm dancing like you're not!
- Aah!
Came here with someone ♪
Let's make the most of the night
like we're gonna die young ♪
We're gonna die young ♪
Let's make the most of the night
like we're gonna die young ♪
Don't Oh!
Dammit, Frankie,
I'm on the clock.
Wait, Samantha!
Don't get on that plane. I love you.
What? Me?
I don't know you!
I love you more
than anything I've ever
Livin' hard just like we should ♪
Don't care who's watchin'
when we tearin' it up ♪
You know ♪
That magic that we got
nobody can touch ♪
Fo' sho' ♪
Lookin' for some trouble tonight ♪
Yeah ♪
Take my hand
I'll show you the wild side ♪
Let's make the most of the night
like we're gonna die young ♪
Man, that was some good fulfilling!
I'm so fulfull, I'm gonna yack.
Let's not start tuggin' each other's
nonexistent dicks quite yet.
We don't know if it worked.
Oh, I have a feeling
I'm completely fulfilled.
I didn't give a woman
six and a half orgasms for nothing.
Aisha, pull up our fulfillment meters
and prepare to be impressed.
What the fuck?
What? I don't understand,
we did all our slips!
Ooh, my word of the day!
Today's word is dilatory,
meaning moving or proceeding
at less than normal speed.
I'll use it in a sentence:
I am dilatory all the time
because I'm kinda lazy
and fuckin' stupid.
Oh my God, I'm fulfilled!
I did it! I feel amazing!
I YOLO'd and you didn't!
You're Yo-Losers!
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where's that button? Ha ha!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
And fuck you!
Shut up, Terry! You suck.
Yeah, shut up!
Make me,
you unfulfilled motherfuckers!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Ah geez, he really splatted.
It wasn't even that much of a fall.
Hey, that's my "b" guys.
Stop licking Terry's blood,
you Ragu! Show some respect!
Wait a minute.
When Terry died,
it looks like his fulfillment points
transferred over to me.
I'm almost fulfilled now.
Holy shit, I guess we're in a
Highlander- type situation.
Wait, I thought that show
was about a hot nurse
who goes back in time
to get her ass eaten out?
No, that's Outlander.
Highlander means if one of us
kills the other two,
we'd be totally fulfilled
before we die.
Okay. That tracks.
But we would never kill
each other, right?
I mean, w-we're a family.
- Yeah. That's, that's what we all think.
- Sure. A family.
I'm gonna go mourn Terry
in another part of the house.
I'm gonna go do, uh,
some Solar Opposites stuff.
And I am going to go write
a Rotten Tomatoes user review
of Thor: The Dark World.
So people can know my thoughts
on that particular Thor movie.
It's so great that we're not
preparing to kill each other.
Hey, beautiful.
You ready to fuck shit up?
Dammit. Why did I design this
to only turn when you go backwards?
- Perfect.
- Aisha, I need that magic potion.
The one we keep in Narnia?
We promised
we would never go back.
No, the secret magic potion
that Jewish wizard taught me!
Baruch Atah Adonai
Expellilumus Leviosa
No fair, you have a tank!
Yeah, and I'm gonna blast you
and develop the shit out of my character!
Maybe that would have worked
before I made my magic me's!
Come on out, boys!
That's not fair!
Jesse, what did you do?
Aren't you trying to kill us too?
Oh gosh, no.
I would never do that to my family.
Typical Jesse. So stupid.
- Ow!
- Oww!
I Home Alone'd the whole house!
Welcome to Hell, boys!
Die, you creepy little Korvos!
Ha! Try getting all those feathers
off of you!
I'm gonna kill that kid!
Come out here, normal-sized Korvo!
- It's time for me to finish you!
- Not quite yet!
Meet ogre Korvo.
Or as I like to call him, Orgo.
Oh my God,
Yumyulack is dead!
My brother from another
toe mother!
Yeah, I killed him, and you're next.
Wait a minute. W-what are we doing?
This feels wrong.
Should we really be killing each other
just to get these stupid points?
I was just thinking the same thing!
We should have spent
these last 12 hours with each other,
enjoying the company of family.
I'm sorry, Jesse.
Y-you're right.
Korvo, I'm scared.
Is, is dying gonna hurt?
No, I, I think it'll be peaceful,
li-li-like falling asleep.
Well, I'm glad that
at least we'll die together.
You know what?
Maybe spending time with people you love
is what gives your life meaning.
Not some bucket list
or making a history teacher cum so hard
- she loses feeling in her left side?
- Korvo, that's beautiful.
Come here, ya big lug.
No, Korvo!
My last booby trap,
I forgot all about it!
I'm so sorry! No!
I'm fulfilled!
It feels amazing!
I'm fulfilled, mother scratchers!
But I only have a minute left.
I gotta do this right.
Korvo said
it's all about family.
It's time to bring
this baby full circle.
Goodbye, Pupa.
Remember not to eat us too fast
or you'll get a tummy ache.
Any moment now.
Maybe that old clock
was just a little fast.
Ah cripes,
did I kill our family
for no reason? I hate when
Holy sh
Look at that Pupa eating our fruit.
Maybe save some
and make a jam, you little fatty!
Alright, so w-what next?
Is the Pupa gonna terraform the world
once he's done eating the fruit?
- You're the Pupa specialist!
- Right, right, right, right.
No, I-I-I meant like for everyone else
who doesn't know what the Pupa does.
Jesus, Terry. No.
There's like a bunch more steps
in his evolution after this.
This is just step eight.
Or-or nine. I don't know.
Oh, look at him go. You were
a hungry little Pupa, weren't you?
Pupa, get over here
and suck the sap off my trunk!
Whoa, you're all trees now?
Of course we are.
We-we died and came back as trees.
- Why do you sound surprised?
- 'Cause it's fuckin' crazy.
When humans die,
we just turn into rotten mush.
We don't come back as trees.
Okay, smartass, but then where did
all the trees come from?
I mean, they're everywhere.
I don't know, those are just trees.
You're telling me human death
operates by different rules
and we didn't have to get
fulfilled before we died?
I guess not.
We destroyed our house
because of your bullshit, Keith!
How was I supposed to know?
Fuck you, Keith!
You suck!
And your Fruit by Keith by the Foot
tastes like Poop by Keith from the Butt!
I wasted my cool-ass hidden tank
because of you!
Jesus Christ, calm down!
I thought you were dying!
You're a piece of shit, Keith!
Fuck you!
Hey! Ow!
- Stop!
- Die, die!
When we grow our legs back,
we're gonna kill you!
- Yeah, Keith!
- I was just trying to help!
You better move, Keith!
You better change your identity!
We're going to spend the rest of our lives
hunting your stupid ass down!
Wow, it turns out
hatin' on Keith together
was what finally fulfilled them all.
- Ah, I feel so fulfilled!
- Me too!
Aw, this is amazing. We should've
just been tormenting Keith all along.
It's so nice to be fulfilled as a family.
Whoa-ho-ho! I can already see
my feet starting to form,
so you better pack up,
you little bitch!
You don't know how many seasons
we're gonna have, Keith!
We're aliens. We can grow
into trees and come back
season after season!
I'm gonna cut your eyes out!
Yeah, I'm gonna kick you
in the dick!
You know guys, all in all,
this was a pretty satisfying end
to our day.
Yeah, that's actually kind of the end
to our whole year.
Man, what a run.
We did a lot this year.
Wait, that's really the end?
We ran around worrying about death,
that's how we go out?
Yeah, I mean, what else do you want?
Some fuckin' hacky holiday special?
I would never, ever, in a million years
do something as lame and cash-grabby
as a Solar Opposites holiday special.
Yeah, the Solar Opposites have integrity.
That's right.
We have integrity!
And we would never sacrifice that
for anything
Hold on, hold on.
I'm getting a text from Hulu.
- Huh.
- What does it say, Korvo?
Is it about our integrity?
Sort of. Goddammit.
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