Solar Opposites (2020) s03e06 Episode Script

99 Ships

Gorilla fangs?
Has anyone seen gorilla fangs?
Right here, under the murder discs.
And here comes the end of fun.
I didn't even say anything yet.
This is where you yell
at us for building
a Michael Crichton's Congo LEGO set,
instead of working on the ship.
This is new Korvo.
I'm chill AF, Chill About Fudge.
Does this go in the space laser?
That's from Congo, the movie.
This is based on the book.
LEGO's scraping the bottom of
the licensing barrel, that's for sure.
You sure you're not
freaking out about the mission?
Allow my cracking a beer
and unfastening my robe to answer that.
That's a red alert!
We have to get to the ship.
Hey, Hey, hey! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[SIGHS] This is the LEGO novelization
of the film The Firm final battle
all over again.
Hey, stop it!
You're ruining my best shirt.
Do you know how many Corona Lights
I had to drink to get this?
The Ragnar's dead. The Ragnar, no.
We forgot to feed it.
- The what?
- I'm as Solar Opposites as they come,
and I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Ragnars are a living reminder
of the spirit of the homeworld.
Now, it's a dead reminder.
Still works, though.
This dead Ragnar is a cautionary tale
for our lax attitudes.
We're fucking up
the future of our species.
No, we aren't. The Pupa is fine.
He should've terraformed
the planet already.
Come on, Korvo. It's okay.
Yeah, we're good at being aliens.
Don't be like that.
- We can't be that important, right?
- We are that important.
If we don't make sure the Pupa does
its thing, our way of life will be over.
Aren't there 99 other ships
doing the same thing we are?
What do you mean?
That's what you say every morning to us
when you re-explain our origin story,
take a look.
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was
a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right.
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa.
Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
When did humans
stop traveling in blimps?
Who cares if one exploded
horrifically a century ago?
Get over it
and bring back the fucking blimps!
Oh, my God, you're right.
Ninety-nine other teams,
odds are someone else
has already saved the homeworld.
And we're probably
the shittiest one of them all.
I have to know for sure.
Aisha, can you scan for signals
from other crews?
AISHA: I don't need to waste a scan.
All those ships ran on the Aisha OS.
We're all connected.
You wanna see them like a clip show?
Yeah, it's sort of well-trodden
territory there, Aisha.
Let's do it on the Pretend-O-Deck.
You can tell it to us
like a bedtime story.
Like Fred Savage gets it
in The Princess Bride.
Yes, I love that movie.
I've been trying to kill you
with Iocane powder for years.
- No, that's stupid.
- OTHERS: [CHANTING] Princess Bride!
Princess Bride, Princess Bride!
- As you wish.
We're not doing a Princess Bride.
You can't just chant me
into doing stuff.
Why does everything
always have to be fun?
AISHA: Let me make sure this ship
is legally clearable.
Wow, this is just like
little Fred Savage's room.
Aisha, you can be the Peter Falk.
Initiating mustache
and glass eye protocol.
Once upon a time, our planet
was about to get hit by an asteroid.
Before it blew up, 100 adults
and their crew were assigned Pupas
and they flew into space
in search of new worlds.
Let me tell you about team number one.
Scans indicate there's a class M planet
at 67857 mark S.
Yes, sir. Adjusting vector now.
KORVO: See, how his second-in-command
just did his job
without being a little
bitch about it, Terry?
- TERRY: Yeah, because he's a cuck.
- KORVO: You're a cuck.
TERRY: And we can sense our own.
Initiating landing sequence.
As your leader, it is my duty
to protect and guide you.
Any of your failings are mine,
and together, we make this sacrifice
ALL: For the Pupa!
KORVO: Okay, we get it.
The team makes us look like
a bunch of jabronis.
You're just rubbing it in, Aisha.
We could frolic in fields
if we wanted to.
- It's not my fault you all suck.
- KORVO: Bullshit!
- TERRY: We're better than them.
- Okay, fine.
Here's a team that did worse than you.
This planet looks awesome.
As your leader, I just want to say
that I am proud of you.
KORVO: What the fuck is this?
I said I wanted a bad one.
AISHA: Just wait for it.
If you need something,
then I need something.
Because we're all in this together.
Only rule is if you walk
through my door,
you gotta leave your blues outside.
- TERRY: Yeah, yeah! Yeah!
Nobody fucks with the wave
of superheated gas.
Wanna see another one like that?
Yes. Hit me.
The Pupa really likes it here.
All the berries we can eat and
the best team a Shlorpian could ask for.
KORVO: Look at that planet
completely untouched by human pollution.
No highways or skyscrapers.
I wish we'd landed on a planet
like that instead of
- Jesus Christ!
TERRY: Yeah,
T-Rex out of nowhere for the win.
KORVO: Okay, that's not exactly
their fault, I guess.
Can we see a team that doesn't get
killed by something on their planet?
Sweet dreams, little Pupa.
Look, he's terraforming in his sleep.
TERRY: Why are they treating
their Pupa like a baby?
- I thought it was a pet.
- JESSE: He isn't?
Maybe we shouldn't feed him bones
or make him shit
in a box of sand anymore, huh, guys?
Did you turn the heat on?
Their sun went nova?
How do we make ours do that?
You just have to find an isotope of
Don't tell 'em.
That's three dead teams in a row.
- So?
- Isn't that like totes random?
Space is fucking dangerous.
Hell, yeah, it is.
Tell us about more dead teams.
But skip the backstories.
I don't want to get emotionally invested
if they're all going to get Mufasa'ed.
Team 5 ran into trouble on Robot World.
Team 6 took a dip in a poison ocean.
Team 7 and 8, they fell into chasms.
KORVO: Okay. Wow. Jesus that's grim.
Can we get a palate cleanser?
AISHA: Sure.
I think we just found our new home.
What are we talking? Snow planet?
Nope. Looks like we're going to be
living in a tropical paradise.
- Surf's up. Setting the course for
What the We're caught in some sort
of tractor beam.
Is that a cop?
Listen, we aren't doing anything wrong.
I'll handle it.
Hello. Can I help you, Officer?
We've been getting reports
of varmints in the system.
You've been having
any trouble with varmints?
I don't know what a varmint is.
Are we in danger?
Fuzzy insect about yay wide,
burrow inside your body and control you?
Mind if I do a quick sweep of the ship?
That would be great. Thank you.
Varmints can squeeze
into all sorts of places.
Better to be sure
you don't have them now.
You're a Shlorpian?
Yeah, me and the whole team here.
Our homeworld was hit by a
I need back up, now.
Let me up right now!
Unhand me!
Irvis, what's happening.
This is all a misunderstanding.
What are you doing to my sweetie?
We were just looking
for a new world to call home.
Yeah, by terraforming innocent planets.
You make me sick.
Frunkin' unreal.
They really don't see any problem
with what they do.
That's why I got into being in a cop,
to clean dirt bags like this,
out of the quadrant.
- What the hell was that? - Silver cops.
Shit, they're always
arresting Shlorpians.
You can't call dibs on a planet.
Skip past all the teams
arrested by space cops.
I don't want to see that shit.
Listen up, Bugs.
We're going to crush this planet.
We're going to protect the Pupa
until it can consume us.
And we're going to work out
the whole time and get huge.
You know it, brother.
Push up race. Go!
- KORVO: Whoa. These guys are yoked.
- JESSE: Even their Pupa's swole.
Look at him. He looks like he's gonna
kick over a nerd sandcastle.
TERRY: Wait a second. Hold on.
That other team earlier
already got eaten by a T-Rex.
- So?
- So, it's like a double beat.
- It's what happened.
- Yeah, but that just seems hacky.
You could've spread them out more
in the story.
It happens too often to spread out.
What? How many planets
even have T-Rexes?
Let's take a look.
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
I'm so sorry.
This is all of my fault.
We never should've come here.
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find
Some comfort here
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find
Some comfort here
Forty-two teams got eaten by T-Rexes?
What? They're one
of the strongest dinosaurs.
That's almost half of us.
It's weird that they're carnivores
and you're plants,
so they're not even getting nutrition.
They're just being dicks.
Are there teams more like us
that aren't fighting dinosaurs?
Well, Team 63, has been on an already
inhabited planet for six months.
Okay, everyone. No fun today.
All we're going to do is read manuals
and repair the ship,
so we can get off this shitty planet
and find an empty one.
- Shut the fuck up
or I'll zap you with the death ray.
KORVO: I like this guy.
Captain Zarg. Threatening us
with a death ray. What a surprise.
I can't ship repair today.
I need to find a date for prom.
Nobody's going to ask you to the prom.
You're an alien.
Hey, to us, they're the aliens
Hey! A giant bird is basically a T-Rex.
You're basically a little bitch.
Yumyulack's right.
But it was also a good example
of why we need to get along.
No more petty arguments would help.
Maybe we wouldn't argue
if Jesse didn't sleep in all day.
I need my rest or I get puffy.
Shut up! Korvo's right.
You have to get along
or it can go bad, real fast.
Five straight months of space rain.
I'm glad we thought to bring board games
or we'd have gone crazy.
Hey, you cheated.
I'm team leader.
I can make my own rules.
You piece of shit.
Shit, look out for that space probe.
Holy shit. That was close.
Damn. That was the Voyager 1 probe.
NASA launched it in the '70s.
I learned about it from a Sesame Street.
Who cares?
We're not going to get hit by a probe.
What about something closer to home?
Team 65 landed on a beaver planet.
- Stop fidgeting.
- I can't help it.
All this beaver fur is making me itchy.
Who ate my last jar of Norbos nuts?
- Nobody. Those things taste like sploof.
- Someone ate them because they're gone.
- You just lost them.
- I did not.
Since nobody respects my stuff,
I guess I can just ruin the dam.
- Stop it! You're scaring the beavers.
- You stole my Norbos.
I hate it here. And I hate you!
If you don't shut the fuck up
about the Norbos,
I'm gonna use this doomsday device.
I swear to God!
Norbos! Norbos! You ate my Norbos!
You ate my Norbos!
Norbos! Norbos! Norbos!
Yeah, but did he eat the Norbos?
No. They were just
way back in the cupboard.
Looks like every team has a Terry.
With all the dumb shit you pull,
it's a miracle we haven't been killed.
I should wrap you in plastic
for the rest of the mission
like an old ham.
It's not always
the Pupa expert fucking up.
I bet the replicants do it, too.
Look at them. Fuck ups.
Better keep my name
out of your mouth, bitch.
Us replicants never cause any shit.
That's not exactly true.
Nothing beats ending a full day
of scraping nutrients
off of giant seashells
like curling up
by the fire with a dense manual.
This sucks. I hate this planet.
Wish I'd never been replicated.
- Too loud. Turn it down.
- We just want to relax.
Oh, so, the way I relax
isn't good enough for you.
You don't have to make everything
into a big deal.
- Give me the remote.
- No.
- Give me the remote.
- Hey!
Stop that!
JESSE: Okay. So, one replicant
accidentally killed their team.
No big deal.
Die! Die!
Die! Die!
- I got nothing.
- That was fucked.
They were the only ones who did that.
Good. Because we would never
kill you guys, then make out.
Sure wouldn't.
Clearly, the mission relies
on mutual respect.
But we don't respect each other at all.
Does that mean that we're
one of the shitty teams?
No way. We're the best.
I don't know.
Team 1 still seems like the best so far.
I want to see them again. Those fuck-ups
have to be T-rex shit by now.
Actually, Team 1 is keeping it together.
KORVO: What the hell! Look at their
little compound they've made.
Did everyone do their jobs today?
- Yes, sir.
- You know it.
Yes, sir.
TERRY: Ugh! They're so considerate
and productive.
YUMYULACK: Look at their Pupa.
It's beautiful.
It's bubblegum colored.
- Why doesn't our Pupa look like that?
- TERRY: I don't know. Get off my back.
Maybe we aren't as good as team 1,
but I bet none of them
spent a month learning
how to do this sweet ass TikTok dance.
Sure, but there are other teams
out there who have accomplished
the same amount of missions
that you have.
- You mean, other cool teams?
- More like trashy assed teams.
We aren't trashy.
Show me these teams that are like us.
Oh, yeah, boy-ee! Who wants
to eat meat and watch screens?
- Me!
- Me!
That's what I'm talking about.
After we fuck around all day,
let's pull pranks on our neighbors.
- Let's go.
KORVO: These guys are the version
of us you'd get at a dollar store.
Fuck! Why are we acting so trashy?
Dudes, we have a mission.
My head, it hurts.
Mine does, too.
Why are we obsessed with screens?
We're supposed
to be taking care of the Pupa.
Oh, no, Mormons!
What the fuck!
The only reason they were acting like us
is because there were
fuzzy insects in their brains.
- Wait, you don't have those, too?
- No.
I guess you just regular trashy,
you not fuzzy insect trashy.
- Yeah.
- That's bad.
Show us another team that's like us
who aren't being eaten from the inside.
This is our planet, and we're gonna
raise our Pupa to terraform it.
No way! We landed here first. Our Pupa
is going to be doing the terraforming.
Let me introduce you to my friends,
not and today.
- Son!
- Suck my mouth!
Give me that!
Yes, the mission is important,
but so is having fun.
It's all about balance.
We can't just hyper focus
on the safety of the Pupa
every waking second of the day.
We have to have a little fun.
- Let's dance!
See, Terry, you have to take your job
more seriously.
Oh, please, that would never
happen to me. That guy was an idiot.
- Terry, watch out, the TV!
- The what now?
Fucking idiot. We've been watching
Pupas die all day.
This was supposed to make me feel better
about how behind we are in the mission.
- How many teams are even alive, Aisha?
- Not many.
Some were eaten by reverts.
A bunch got cooked by radiation.
One team got killed by
DC comics Superman.
Can't show that one for legal reasons.
There isn't a lot to tell
for the last dozen.
They technically survived the journey.
Just never found a planet.
Ran out of oxygen and water,
their bodies entombed in their ships,
coasting forever into the infinite void.
That means we're the last team left.
Holy ass-shitting fuck. It does.
We're always doing
stupid, dangerous things.
We're so fucked. We're the last team
and we're total fuck ups.
- We're dog shit.
We're done.
Wait! What about Team 1?
Oh, right. They didn't die.
Aisha, show us Team 1 quick.
- KORVO: Thank God, these dorks are alive.
- JESSE: What are they doing?
TERRY: Wait. I know this.
This is what you do
when the Pupa is ready to terraform.
KORVO: You're right. Look, their Pupa
has reached its final color.
That's it, little guy. You've got this.
- Come on, Come on.
It's happening.
He's evolving to his true form.
It has been an honor
to serve with you all.
KORVO: This is fucking awesome.
TERRY: Yeah. He did it.
He terraformed the whole planet.
- Yeah.
- JESSE: All right! They did it!
YUMYULACK: I can't believe it.
KORVO: New homeworld. A whole new
Wait a minute.
We're moving forward in time.
It looks exactly like the homeworld.
JESSE: Yeah,
that's what a copy is, dude.
not the image of the homeworld.
This is exactly the homeworld.
Look, there's me. I remember this.
I'm buying Darboe fruit
from that vendor on Clark Street.
- He always ripped me off.
- TERRY: There's me, too.
Yeah, I went through a yo-yo phase.
That's a Krag 5000.
Wait. When Pupa remakes the homeworld,
it'll remake us, too?
AISHA: No, that's you.
How can we be here on Earth
and on new Shlorp at the same time?
You're not. That's not new Shlorp.
It's Shlorp.
- ALL: What?
- This all happened 30 years ago.
Wait! All those teams you showed us
They were from the Shlorp that exploded
before your Shlorp was made.
So, Team 1's Shlorp got hit by an
asteroid, so, they made our Shlorp.
And then it got hit by an asteroid, too?
- I just said that.
- Okay. Pretend I'm stupid.
How many planet Shlorps
have there been ever?
Shlorpians are always
getting their homeworlds destroyed
and spreading across the galaxy.
That's kind of your whole thing.
Every time a Shlorp is destroyed,
we send out 100 teams
and make 100 new ones?
AISHA: Pretty fucking
exponential, right?
YUMYULACK: We really are spreading
across the galaxy like mold.
That's so metal.
No wonder the silver cops hate us.
How many teams are out there
right now this second?
I don't know. I only have the records
for the last set.
So, we have no idea if
we're the last team, or not?
Damn it, Aisha. You made us sit
through all these stupid stories,
and now we don't even know
if there's any living teams.
- What a waste of time this has been.
- You're the one that wanted stories.
Get the fuck out of here,
so I can browse Raya in peace.
How'd she get on Raya?
Isn't that for celebrities?
- She fucked Ian Ray and Andre.
- Oh!
I swear, one of these days,
I'm going to erase that AI.
- We learned a valuable lesson today.
- Like what?
We might be redundant
or we might be Shlorp's only hope.
Either way,
we need to appreciate each other.
We already knew that.
Ugh! Today was as worthless
as an orange starburst.
- We could've been
- Look out for the speaker!
Holy shit. We did learn something.
See? All those disconnected,
violent stories were worth it.
Told you.
Now, let's go play by the chasm.
- Ooh! Can we, Korvo? Please.
- Okay, just a bit before dinner.
I want to horse around
right on the edge of the cliff.
We can all horse around
on the edge of the cliff, as a team.
[CHANTING] Chasm! Chasm!
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