Solar Opposites (2020) s03e07 Episode Script

The Platinum Beyblade Burst 800 Takara Tomy Edition

Just got some work done on my sleeve.
Check it out.
It's a tribal symbol for DiGiorno.
It's so cool that it's not delivery.
Attention, students,
as we do every month,
it's time to announce the winner
of best couple.
Give it up for Annie and Yumyulack!
- Fuck, yeah, bro!
- Fuckin' told you, son.
All y'all bitches
need to pay up right now!
- What's goin' on here?
- There's something I have to tell you.
Bae, you could tell me anything
within 2000-5000 Hertz frequency range,
otherwise it's static.
Bae, everyone at school decided to place
a bet that I'm so hot,
I could win "Best Couple" with anyone.
Even a Q-tip shaped, rough trough,
Pixar-looking motherfucker like you.
But there's one thing I didn't bet on.
Actually falling in love with you.
I can't freaking believe this.
It's okay if you're mad. I get it.
I'm not mad. I didn't know you could bet
on high school stuff! That's awesome!
I'm gonna gamble on everything!
I don't think that's the lesson
you should be
It's time to get all Molly's Game up
in this bitch!
Planet Shlorp was a perfect
utopia until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is This is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa.
Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
They get so excited about going to Mars.
Have you ever been to Mars?
I went to Mars one time.
Not so cool, not even a Starbucks.
Feel, Korvy. These Ped Eggs are amazing.
I scraped all the plaque off my feet
and I can taste the floor again!
Terry, you got your flakes
all over the floor. That's disgusting.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
If this is what I think it is,
I'm gonna literally shit my teeth off.
It's here! A one-of-a-kind
Crystal Skull Vodka brand bullet
signed by Mark Hamill that we won
from that auction on eBay!
She's more beautiful
than I ever imagined.
Let's go get some photos so I can make
my bullet group on Facebook
seethe with jealousy.
Who's got the most collectible
ammunition now, Denise, you fat bitch?
Let's go take a photo
like we're in Charlie's Angels.
Don't mind me, just channeling hard
Lucy Liu vibes over here.
Wait, we're not doing
the Kristen Stewart one?
No! That's two reboots too far.
No! Fuck, our bullet.
I shot a priceless bullet!
Goddamnit, Terry!
That bullet was one of a kind!
You don't just find vodka merch
signed by stars of Uber Eats commercials
every day!
- Wait, I can see it.
- What?
I shot it straight up
and my eyesight is
really good because I masturbate a lot.
Don't stop staring at it!
Is it coming down yet?
It's not a shitty shoot-in-the-air
type bullet, Korvo.
This thing is aerodynamic as hell.
It's gonna be up there for a while.
Shit, keep an eye on it.
We have to catch it
before it hits the ground
and loses half its value.
Okay, it's still going up.
I can do this.
Just make sure nothing distracts me.
I'm on it.
What's with the comically large
suit of armor?
We have an amazing plan. It's for
Cherie. It'll make her look huge, right?
I mean, yeah. If she can move in it.
Who's she fighting?
It's designed to inspire,
not for battle.
She can wear it when she takes over
as leader of the Wall.
We're thinking of calling her
"The Duchess."
- It's good, right?
- Are you hearing this?
This is just the Duke all over again.
No. When she tells everyone she's back
and Tim's dead, she has to be herself.
I know these people.
They want someone divine.
Someone larger than life to lead them,
like Cher or Peanut,
the Jeff Dunham puppet.
She's already coming back from the dead!
Which is why the suit
will seal the deal.
They deserve an honest leader.
Someone accessible,
like George Washington
or Dr. Dre. Early Dre, not sellout Dre.
Although he does make
a damn good headphone.
All I know is
we have to keep Pezlie out of it.
She needs to stay hidden and safe.
We all agree on that. Nobody needs
to know about this little angel.
So, which is it gonna be?
Lead as yourself?
Or as a savior in a banging
suit of armor.
Yummers, you okay?
I heard about what happened with Annie.
I'm assuming you're gonna do
some fucked up sci-fi revenge?
- Nah. I'm fine.
- Wait, really?
The only thing I'm upset about is
that it took me this long to figure out
people can make money off
dumb high school bets.
Silver lining. Now that you're single,
you could come to the JV mock
Model UN tomorrow with me.
Or maybe we could float around together
in my Lakitu cloud!
I bought it with the
Club Nintendo points
the government sent out
during the recession.
Hell no.
I don't do after-school activities.
I am an after-school activity.
Hey, look. It's fucknut number one.
- What's up, turd squirt?
- Good one.
I heard about the betting and I want in.
Aw The baby thinks he can play
with the big boys.
Nobody wins a socio-politic bet
against Mark and Clark Hamburger.
What do you got?
Fifty bucks says those totally different
kids over there, the princess,
the brain,
the bad boy, the athlete, and the freak,
will never become friends.
Goddamnit! But they're all so different
from each other!
How could they form a bond?
- Don't you know how high school works?
- Pay up taint hair.
- He said pay up, stink wad!
- I can't. We have a gold machine,
but I got addicted to girlfriend
experiences last year
and I made too much gold,
which reduces scarcity,
so now all gold is worthless.
Yeah, right.
I've heard that bullshit before.
Looks like it's time to get burgered.
No, stop burgering me.
I can't breathe
under all this meat-themed bullying.
Triple or nothing!
- What did you just say?
- Triple or nothing. Any bet I choose.
Deal! And this time when you lose,
you better have that money,
or we'll dig you out an asshole just
so we can fill it with firecrackers!
You a king, Terry.
Let's get some Visine
on those squiggly pupils.
Wind's shifting a bit.
It's probably hitting
the maximum height.
- Keep staring.
- I got it.
I got it.
Hey. Hey, fucking aliens!
Did you just touch my fucking car?
Calm down, Glenn. It was an accident.
Terry's keeping an eye
on our Crystal Skull Vodka brand bullet
that we shot into the sky,
and his elbow lightly grazed your car
as he was adjusting his position.
I don't know what the fuck words
you just said.
All I know is nobody touches my car!
You got it?
That's all you know? It's a miracle
you've survived this long.
Jeez, Yum, you look wrecked.
Maybe because the sociopathic
Hamburger brothers
are gonna kill me
in the most homoerotic way possible.
I guess Mark's still upset
because he and his Betty just broke up.
They murdered an ophthalmologist
last summer
and the guilt was too much to bear.
Wait, you understand
all this school social stuff?
Yeah. I love hot goss.
At any one time, I can name the five
seniors with vodka-dipped tampons
in their butts.
I think I will go with you to that JV
mock Model UN meeting after all.
You wanna spend time doing the things
I like with no ulterior motive?
I don't know what ulterior means,
so I can honestly say hell, yes!
Holy, shitballs!
That's the sexiest motherfucking
Beyblade I've ever seen!
Not just any Beyblade, Jesse.
This is the platinum Beyblade Burst 800
Takara Tomy edition!
I gotta be honest,
I'm gushing over here.
Get your dirty hands
off the merch, Pupa!
This is gonna take my gambling
to the next level.
Wait right here, sister. We're just
packaging up your order right now.
I threw in an extra Swedish fish,
on the house.
May the bowl be with you.
Look, whatever Cherie does,
I just ask that you support her.
Of course. Not everyone is comfortable
with sainthood.
She's been through a lot.
But at her core,
she just wants to protect all of us.
Well, whatever she chooses,
the wall will be stable and
- Tim!
- He's dead.
- The cricket is back!
- Tim is dead.
- Cherie? No, this isn't possible. How?
- What is she doing?
- I don't know!
- You're all grown-ass adults
who were shrunk down just like me,
and you deserve the truth.
There is a hole in the back of the wall!
No. No. Not like this.
I know because Tim tried to kill me.
He pushed me through that hole
into the backyard.
For the past year, I've been fighting
my way back fueled by revenge.
But when I got here,
Tim was already sick and dying.
He'd convinced you that this Wall
was safe when it was really a prison.
That cycle ends now.
Follow me. I'll show everyone
the hole to the backyard.
And you are the wind under my sail
Go bang a love scene!
And now, for my talent,
I own the platinum Beyblade Burst 800
Takara Tomy edition!
The counterclockwise spin makes this
Beyblade faster than any on the market.
And this icy blue cyclone ridge here,
that's all stamina, baby!
This Beyblade won't stop for nothing.
I know this was supposed to be
a talent show,
but that is the sweetest Beyblade
I've ever seen. Yumyulack wins!
Wow, Yumyulack!
That is one rare Beyblade.
You must've cleaned up
on all those bets.
Of course, he did. Because he knows
school drama better than anyone.
How do you know so much
about the teenage heart?
Don't tell anyone, but you know that
uglier alien I hang out with, Jesse?
She's a loser who's obsessed
with other people's lives.
I tricked her into giving me intel.
Smart, right?
Shit. She's standing right behind me,
isn't she?
Oh, shit.
She's behind the curtain, isn't she?
Shit. I accidentally buttdialed her,
didn't I?
No, man. She's hovering above you
in a Lakitu cloud.
Wow, here I am in the Lakitu cloud
I wanted to share with you!
But now? No way, Jose! No more hanging
out with this sucker.
Damn! I never would've bagged on you
if I knew I'd get caught.
Sweet talk like that isn't gonna work
this time.
Don't follow me.
Jesse! Don't waste
that whole Lakitu cloud
on being sour. Come on! Let me use you!
What is wrong, baby girl?
Did someone finally notice you have
a Minnesota accent
even though you're from outer space?
I thought Yumyulack and I were bonding,
but he was just using me.
Hey, don't cry.
Yumyulack's a piece of shit.
We all hate his ass so much.
But he was right! I only pay attention
to other kids at school
because I don't have a crazy sexcapade
of my own.
I got all sorts of sexcapades
in my cold metal innards. You want one?
Thanks, Aisha, but this is high school.
I don't think you understand
what we like.
How about Korean pop sensations BTK?
Wait, did you mean BTS?
I can't afford BTS.
Get the fuck out of here.
I mean, I'd rather it be BTS.
Do you wanna do seven minutes in heaven
with a South Korean boy band or not?
Let's get awkward.
It's hardly drifting at all.
We're looking good.
I'm gonna put acupuncture needles
in your spine to keep you alert.
- Bonus. Hit me.
- Goddamnit.
Hey! You're gonna need to get off
my property right now
or shit is gonna
get real real, real fast!
We will, Glenn,
as soon as our bullet comes down.
Yeah, chill out, Glenn. We're on
collectible bullet business here!
Nobody disrespects the Glenn.
This ends now!
Prepare for Glenn justice!
Hey, get off my property! Hey, hey!
Cut it out! I'm trying to peep.
Glenn, quit it! Your feeble slapping
won't move the needle and you know it.
Which bullet is it, Terry?
That one? You wanna know?
Nice try.
Those bullets are way too cheap to be
seen from a distance, you asshole.
Bite your tongue with this, simps.
Your boy paid for this sick swag
with bets I won by myself.
Yo, where am I? What's going on?
Scholastic headquarters.
Well, what's left of it anyway.
My eyes!
The school book fair industry
is dying because of fucks like you.
What did I do? I can hardly even read.
When students spend all their money
on high school bets,
they don't spend money on books.
Kids can do whatever they want
with their money.
- Scholastic doesn't own them.
- Really?
Bring him out!
Meet Andy Sinclair, he started
a fundraiser for the homeless.
All his classmates donated
their allowances
to that instead of Scholastic.
Waldos, how many copies
of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie
did that cost us?
You have one more week
to get me my money
or it's one fish, two fish, dead fish,
you fish.
There it is. The path to freedom.
Nobody can keep it from you anymore.
But it's dangerous.
Praise be unto Cherie for showing us
this glory hole.
She should be our new leader!
- No! No. I refuse. No more leaders.
- But we need you.
Let me out of here! I need to breathe
fresh air and eat Chipotle!
I told you it was dangerous.
Look, before you decide to leave,
just hear me out.
What we need is a government of people
elected by each level of the Wall.
One you don't build with mid-century
modern cardboard houses,
or gardens made from kind bar seeds.
We build it with people, with love,
and with the motherfucking truth.
Jesse, where are you?
You're all that.
I did seven minutes in heaven with BTK.
And then I did it again for a full 14.
I am a loser who cares about
other people's stories no more!
- Jesse, you can't do this to me!
- Sucks to suck, suckface!
- Eat this kitty with a spoon.
- I'm sorry about everything.
You were right, I got into betting
because I was hurt about Annie.
I was never her bae.
I was embarrassed to be a stupid joke
and I was covering it up.
But I took it too far
and now Scholastic is on my ass.
I gotta place the biggest bet the school
has ever seen or a couple of Waldos
are gonna make sure I have a terrible,
horrible, no good, very bad day.
I'm too evolved to care
about that stuff, Yumyulack.
I really did wanna fly around
in that Lakitu cloud with you,
and now I never will.
- You really did?
- Of course. That cloud can go anywhere.
I may not know what kids do
in high school anymore,
- but I know who does. The movies!
- Really?
Aren't they made by out-of-touch,
rich, old White guys?
Nah, they're super accurate.
You're the best!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the best!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the best!
Nothing's gonna ever
I should've watched '80s teen movies
a long time ago.
Now I know everything about school,
and how I'm gonna get that money.
Only tricky part is,
where to find a teen wolf.
I've got you covered.
Brah, you really bet 50 to one
that all these things are gonna happen
at the game tonight?
Yeah, I did.
Because I believe in miracles.
I believe there's magic in this world
and that
- Holy shit, what an idiot!
- We'll take that bet.
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
No, Pupa, don't bet on this.
It's a scam.
Oh, my God, Korvo!
It's coming back down!
Our bullet is coming home to papa
and papa.
I lined a bucket
with a bulletproof vest.
Yeah, my man. Thinking like that's why
you're team leader.
It's getting closer. It's
Fuck, yeah!
No! I lost it! I lost it!
Fuck! Why did you do that? You asshole!
Because America, bitch!
I do what I want.
Y'all are just dumb aliens and you need
to respect cars if you're
gonna live here.
Car culture rules! Eat my ass!
- There it is. It's in his foot.
- Yes! We got the bullet back.
Glenn's shattered foot
bone cushioned it.
Help, I've been shot! Aliens shot me!
You really think that was the best plan,
to just give it all up?
I don't know, but I can't hide Pezlie
while also being the leader.
- Secrets like that never last.
- You know, people will go out that hole.
- They could get hurt.
- Yeah, they will.
But that's part of the price you pay
for freedom.
Nothing will be the same anymore.
Yes, people will go and try to find
a way to get big again.
I don't know if they'll make it out
of the sideyard.
But we are Wallians,
resilience is what we do.
Those who choose to stay
are going to build a better world.
No one person is going to save us.
We're going to save each other.
They really cleaned it up.
Well, after all that talk
about not leading, here you are.
Blame it on level 12.
People wrote me in.
Welcome. Please, take your seats.
What an exciting and historic moment
for us all.
So many lives were lost on our journey
to get this far.
Souls we'll never forget.
Life here can be hard, but with you,
a stable government
for the first time ever,
the people of the Wall can finally live
in peace.
Whoa! That alien is pretty in pink!
And I just came to America in my pants!
Jesse, if I get killed today
by a beloved children's book character,
I need you to know that I have
a secret family in Austin.
You gotta track them down, tell them
I love them, and also that I'm an alien.
Mrs. Perry is kissing Dylan!
- That's not part of the plan.
- Wait for it.
I'm not a student. I'm an undercover
journalist writing an expose on TILFs.
You stole our routine!
You don't respect
our unconventional dancing style!
It's working! All we have to do
is win the big game.
Don't jinx it.
Two teen wolves!
No, no, no, no, no!
This can't be happening!
- I am fucked.
- Shit.
We gotta jet!
Holy shit. Who would've predicted
that both teams would have a teen wolf?
So, why the fuck would you make a side
bet with this little shit stain
that that would happen?
He's taking all our money!
- Fuck you, Clark!
- No, fuck you, Mark!
You hamburgered the goddamn Hamburgers!
Take that back!
If we hurry, we can jump in the river
and float to Mexico!
It'll take a couple of months,
but it's hard to run and plan
at the same time.
Where's my $82,000.63?
I have the 63 cents and a great idea
for an X-rated Clifford the Big Red Dog
parody you can have for free,
as long as I retain the TV rights.
This is the magic knife bus.
Time for it to take an educational
adventure into the wonders
of your chest!
Pupa's in the house.
Pupa, you gotta spare me
some of that cash, quick.
What? No way.
That Beyblade is worth way more than
For crying out loud,
just give him the top!
It's a battle top
with a frost-powered cyclone ridge!
Stop mansplaing and just fucking do it!
Next time, think twice before you fuck
with a children's publishing cartel,
you little shitrag.
What's the statute of limitations
on being indirectly involved
in the shooting of a man's foot?
Bing says seven years, but Facebook
is still saying Biden lost the election.
Okay. All we have to do is hide Glenn
away somewhere for seven years
- and we'll be in the clear.
- Call an ambulance already!
But where can we hide someone
for seven years
without anyone hearing him scream
for help?
We could
Shoot him into orbit in a Glenn-sized
cryochamber to circle the Earth
in suspended animation until the statute
of limitations has passed?
And then after that we make out?
- Maybe.
- That means no.
No. It means maybe.
No, no, no. Stop, stop.
Don't do this, please.
In retrospect, I shouldn't have
fetishized my car. It's my fault. Help!
It's my fault, really. I'm insecure.
Please, I'm sorry.
Please, don't do this!
- Think of it as your Eat Pray Love.
- Help! Please, please.
I don't wanna be in orbit.
I don't wanna be in orbit.
Is he gonna be okay up there?
Sure. My calculations are never wrong.
Unless someone put
an unregistered satellite in orbit.
Hold up those heels, Terry! Yes, please!
You know, you got to admit,
we make a pretty good team.
I don't know which has brought us
closer, our bullet or our OnlyFans.
Thanks for trying to save my ass
with Scholastic after I was such a dick.
- That was really cool of you.
- I had to.
You're the closest equivalent
I have to a brother.
I just wish I knew where that second
teen wolf came from. Pupa lucked out.
Without it, he would never have gotten
that Beyblade.
You think all those other kids we forced
into movie situations
will turn out okay?
What do I look like, a fortune teller?
Where am I? Where's my car?
You're under arrest for flying
an unlicensed cryopod
in a residential Nebula.
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