Solar Opposites (2020) s03e08 Episode Script

The Cubic Lattice Crystallizer

What the fuck is happening?
We just hit a major milestone.
One hundred days without a fight.
We did it?
It's official, the Solar Opposites
finally get along.
Mmm. No more fighting.
- The dawn of a new era.
- It bugs me how you chose to tell us,
but since we're post-fight,
I'm letting it go.
So, what do we do now?
We should reward ourselves, but how?
Pancakes and oral? Crepes and rimming?
We do crepes and rimming too much.
It's not a treat anymore.
Check out this commercial
I received on social media.
- YUMYULACK: I love Little Mountain Lake.
- We haven't been in so long.
You booked us a vacation? Oh!
You bet your fluid-filled sacks I did.
I already packed up all your shit.
We're leaving now.
Wouldn't the hover platform be faster?
Yes, but we're unplugging this trip,
so all sci-fi stays home.
I left it all with Joey,
the home-schooled kid from next door.
There will be no divorce.
Burn on the fire of your misfortune.
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect
utopia until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right.
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa.
Do you see me?
[STUTTERS] This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
They're always talking about brunch.
It isn't real.
It's either bread or crunch, you can't
have both. Pick a lane, idiots.
Hey, you gave him more than me.
Fuck you, I'm doing my best.
Give me that.
- Where's the power?
- What are we gonna do?
- People are crazy.
- Order!
There will be order
in the People's House.
This is our second day without power.
If present conditions continue,
we're completely fucked.
In three days' time,
the Wall will run out of food.
In five days, water.
The lucky ones will freeze.
When will we run out of
the tiny pieces of Snickers wrapper
we use to wipe our tushes?
We're already down to fun-size.
I yield the floor to Nicole
who served as Power Minister in both
the Tim and Duke administrations.
After the revolution, we found
a way to patch into the wire
that powers the plug the replicants
use for their TV.
That wire must have frayed
or come loose.
Either way, it needs to be reconnected.
- Great. Why haven't we done it already?
- Because
- it's on the very bottom level.
- Shit.
Yeah. After the Duke's flood,
who knows what it's like down there?
Everyone who's gone down
either came back crazy
Or didn't come back at all.
I've been down to those levels,
but I need volunteers to go with me.
Joe Sanders, reporting for duty.
I don't give a shit how crazy
those lower wall folk are,
I'll kill 'em all if it means
I get to take a hot shower.
All right. Sanders, great energy.
Thank you. Anyone else?
Eye-patch guy. You gotta come with us.
You look like a badass.
I got this eye patch from playing too much
3-DS in the dark.
Okay, well, you're still coming.
So am I. If I'm gonna freeze to death,
may as well be heroically.
We could use one more.
I like the royal blue.
Unless you like the regal navy.
Halk, we need to Oh.
Nova, hi. Do you mind if I speak
with your husband?
Parliament business.
Of course. I'll be in the nursery.
We've been thinking
a lot about the future. Our future.
If that were true, you'd be coming
with me instead of playing decorator.
I can't go on some suicide mission.
I have a life here.
And I don't? I'm leaving my
Pezlie behind to do this,
because there is no future for her
or your wife if we don't fix this.
I'm sorry, Cherie,
my hero days are behind me.
Do you even know
what you wanna be instead?
A dancer. It's an old dream of mine
from college. Been workin' on my splits.
That's great, Halk. I'll see you around.
Hey, I never asked to be a hero.
Nobody ever does. They just are.
Hey, you almost made me spill
my mayo fries.
Which, I just invented, 'cause
I'm a fucking genius. Try. Try, try.
Ooh! It's the little effing mountain.
Little Mountain Lake!
Little Mountain Lake!
Little Mountain Lake!
Little Mountain Lodge!
Little Mountain Lodge!
Little Mountain Lodge!
- We're here.
I used the cubic lattice crystallizer
to make some fresh diamonds
so we could tip everybody.
Do you have change for a De Beers?
- You know what? Take the whole corundum.
- Thank you, Jesse.
See how he remembered my name?
That's classy.
Terry, Korvo, Jesse, Yumyulack,
welcome back to LML.
It's been two years
since your last visit.
Two years too long if you ask me.
Oh, I love how funny I am here.
In honor of your return, we've
upgraded you to the Grand Moff Suite.
Whoa! Grand Moff?
That's the highest civilian rank
for a regional governor in the empire.
Tastes great, right?
Even if the room sucked,
I'd still stay here just for the coffee.
- Oh, Bill. He loves to crack wise.
Hi, we're the Johnsons.
Just came in from Des Plaines, Chicago.
- Your bounty hunter outfit is sick.
- It's got a neuro shock whip
- hidden in the sleeve.
- I can tell.
Let's skip the foreplay.
Will you be our vacation friends?
- Yes! A thousand times, yes!
- I thought you'd never ask. [LAUGHS]
We're all checked in.
Who the fuck is this?
They're our vacay-besties. The Johnsons.
Yes, vacation friends.
They're the perfect choice to regret
later having in all of our photographs.
Wow! I invented mayo fries today
and they already
have a whole restaurant for it.
Little Mountain Lake
is really on the cutting edge.
Didn't that fried dough place
used to be here?
Ugh. Remember when I liked fried dough?
Sounds so disgusting now.
Hello there, friend. Might I
interest you in our train museum?
I'm not into trains anymore.
You aren't into trains?
No, it's been a sore spot ever since
Terry here tried to board me.
I did that as you turned
yourself into a train out of spite.
- It was my hobby.
- We brought tiki drinks.
Tracy, turn loose that rum swizzle.
Oh, Bill's back
and he's brought tiki drinks.
- You got a friend in me, Bill.
We got a problem.
If she's crying, bounce, don't rock her,
she hates rocking.
She'll drink mouse milk,
but not too much. She gets gassy.
Oh, God,
I'm sure I'm forgetting something.
Hey, we got this. Pezlie is the
most important thing in this Wall.
The Bowinian Order
will guard her with our lives.
Thank you, sister,
you've been a life saver.
Now, hopefully I can return the favor.
- [COOS]
- All right. Last chance to pussy out.
- Not me.
I'm tough as they come. Check it out.
- I branded myself with a hot staple.
- MAN: Is that the Lacoste logo?
It's all I know how to draw.
The point is, I'm tough as shit.
- Oh!
If you're worried about being tracked,
I'd quiet down.
I thought you didn't do
suicide missions.
Well, I don't,
but my insane friend needs backup.
Okay, stay close. These levels have been
off the grid for months.
Who knows what's been
growing in the dark?
I hope there's a Starbucks,
'cause I already have to take a shit.
I never get tired of how friendly
everyone is.
Hey, hello, hi there.
Follow me, I follow back.
And I am loving my vacation robe.
It's a little bit coarser,
but in all the right spots.
Huh. Wasn't this
a train museum yesterday?
Yes. Now, it's the Hall Of Betrayals.
Come on in. First 100 guests
get free Ring Pops.
- Ring me, baby.
- Bury the lede much?
This is a dece collection of betrayals.
Guy who killed Caesar, Jay Leno refusing
to give up The Tonight Show.
Korvo, what am I looking at?
Uh, looks like it could possibly be me.
It's hard to tell
but maybe getting boned
by the Red Goobler
on his bachelor party last year.
Ha-ha. So weird that this is in here,
wasn't really even a betrayal.
What's that look?
You said it didn't bother you.
Well, I guess there's no chance I was
just armoring myself emotionally by
Oh! I'm coming harder
than I do with Terry.
Oh, they have a Lando
and Han Solo exhibit. Let's find that.
This one's cryptic.
You fucking dick, that's you!
I bought those Takis at the store,
but someone ate them before
I could even have one.
You told me it was the Pupa. If that's
true, then explain this animatronic.
Yeah, I did it, okay?
I was eating my feelings.
All the bad ones left over from
when you let the Red Goobler fuck you!
You're acting like that's a bigger deal
than the Takis, but it's not.
It all went according to plan.
Whoever has eyes on the replicants,
start phase two.
Wow, it doesn't look as little
when you're up
on the actual mountain, you know.
Relax, Yumyulack. You'll do great.
- Get out.
- Huh?
She means get out, like,
get on out down that mountain.
That's how we say it in Des Plaines.
Come on, the race is starting.
I'm the king of Little Mountain
and that little-ass lake!
Hey, they spelled my name wrong.
Wait, Funyulack's your Pretend-O-Deck
version of me. That was fucked up.
Come on, you can't still be mad
about that. I tried to kill him.
But you killed me instead.
You made me cheat at the Olympics!
I don't make you do anything,
you delegate all our hijinks to me.
Fuck you, I do not!
Phase two complete.
But now we need a new fucking Danielle.
- These maps are useless.
- Oh, man.
Everything down here
is decayed and mucky.
Oh, fuck! Die, die, die, die!
It's plastic.
G.I. Joes. Too bad they totally lose
their value when they're crucified.
Let's move. We're being watched.
Maybe we should double back
and take the Boo-hoo Hole to the bottom?
It can't make you boo-hoo
as much as the name implies.
Ha! The Duke threw me down
the Boo-hoo Hole. Once was enough.
It's full of spiders now, anyway.
Pssh. How many action figures
are they gonna Oh, fuck, real head!
Oh, man. It's Mark. Delivery guy.
Went missin' weeks ago.
Used to pull his balls out of his pants
as a joke.
He'd say, "Look, I got gum on my pants."
But it wasn't gum,
it was his scrotum.
Still, he didn't deserve this.
Oh, man, that cannot be sanitary.
- I'm gonna torch you.
- No, they're too close. You'll burn us.
Go on, get. Leave 'em alone.
Take your muck and get outta here.
Thanks, pal. Let's get you on your
What the fuck?
Just a mild case of muck foot.
Pretty common around here.
The name's Avocado Egg Rolls.
'Cause I like avocados.
- And egg rolls?
- I fucking hate egg rolls.
Anywho, I heard you're headed
to the bottom levels.
You need a guide?
Avocado Egg Rolls'll show you the way.
We don't have time for this Skyrim
side quest bullshit. He'll slow us down.
Hey, don't be ableist.
You already said the map was useless.
Okay, Avocado, where to?
This is it. Just right around this
I didn't sign up for this shit, man.
We're gonna die down here.
Well, well, well,
what the muck do we have here?
I brought you some
real upper floor softies, Plat.
What the fuck, Avocado?
I carried you for two hours!
A real egg roll move, ya dumbass.
Fucking muck people.
Muck people are people too, you know.
The upper Wall's forgotten us.
Wall name's Platinum Stevie.
These are my people.
I protect 'em, clean their mucky wounds,
feed them deodorant shavings
and in return, they do as I say.
Like when I tell them to kill you.
Try it and I'll slice you up
like an onion volcano.
You're spicy.
Guess we're all gonna die today.
Whoa. We don't wanna quarrel with you,
Platinum Stevie.
We're here to turn the power on,
not to interfere with
the life you've stirred up down here.
You could help us.
Ha! I'll never help you.
Power on, power off,
it's all the same in the muck.
- Grab 'em.
- What if we could offer you something,
something that you don't have down here?
What about a seat in parliament? Huh?
Your forgotten people could be
represented at the top of the Wall.
Platinum Stevie, part of
the inner circle, huh? Sounds nice.
I bet you're saving the best muck of all
up there, aren't ya?
Uh Metaphorically, sure.
You've got yourself a deal.
You are now my guests.
You may have safe muck harbor tonight.
Tomorrow, I'll take you where you
wanna go and then, you can take me up.
So, I spent all summer fixing up
that old Corvette.
Korvo, you seem mechanically minded.
You ever tinker around with a hot rod?
- I have never once tinkered.
- Your butt tinkers.
- What?
- Nothing.
Great job in the race today.
Thanks. Hey, you look great tonight.
Did you change your eye color,
or the shape of your head?
Ha. Ha. You're cute.
Would you like to hear
about our specials?
First, we have a Yumyulack
is a shitty co-replicant
who smells like total ass
grilled chicken,
served alongside a nice heap of
Jesse's a whiny bitch
who's holding Yumyulack back
green beans.
- That's harsh.
- Whiny bitch?
And for dessert, the Terry berry tart.
It's delicious,
but a real lazy piece of shit.
Oh! That one. I want that one.
I'll give you a minute to discuss.
Really think about what I said.
That was fucking weird.
Usually, they want our order right away.
[YAWNS] You know, it's been a long day,
we're tired. Gonna call it a night.
Man, I was jonesing for that Terry tart.
Can we get one to go, Korvo?
I'll be back, Danielle.
What the fudge, Korvo?
Who wants to dance
to some really loud music?
DJ: You're listening to
Sound and Light Satellite Radio.
Coming up,
a block of Disney approved music.
Listen, something very weird
is going on.
[YELLS] You like fucking weird?
Trust me, I know.
- Stop yelling.
- Why?
[SHOUTS] It's the only way
to be heard over the music.
I'm using music to drown out our voices.
We're being spied on.
Everyone in there had earpieces.
No one was eating their dinner.
They kept staring at us.
Yeah. These are rural people.
Seeing city folk like us is a big deal
'cause we're so much better dressed
and smarter than they is.
It's not just that. Since we got here,
everything has been catered to us.
Haven't you noticed?
They did know about mayo fries
when I literally just invented it.
On Little Mountain,
Danielle hugged me real tight
and said, "Get out"
in a very intense way.
And then at dinner, she was replaced
with a different Danielle.
That's really fucking weird. Don't you
think you should have said something?
I'm saying it now, damn!
Okay. I'm starting to feel like
we might be trapped in The Wicker Man,
the movie, not the guy
who upsells us at Pier 1 Imports.
I think we're trapped in Midsommar.
It's pronounced "midsummer."
That's a millennial-dusted
Wicker Man remake.
Nah, we're into The Truman Show.
Doesn't matter what movie we're in.
They're out to get us.
Let's get outta here.
Somebody take notes.
Jordan Peele is gonna
want to hear about it.
Anyone seen Joe Sanders?
His bedroll's gone.
Yeah. I saw him take off
early this morning.
Hightailed it back to the upper levels.
Said to tell you, "Game over, man"
and "I'm too old for this shit."
Classic action-movie coward stuff.
Eat your muck.
We leave for the bottom in ten minutes.
This stew is friggin' delicious.
- Dude, don't lick your fingers.
- Eye-patch guy.
This says Joe Sanders.
You guys, we're eating Joe Sanders!
Come on now, Platinum Stevie.
Boiling folks,
serving them to their friends,
that's no way to get yourself
in the parliament.
Don't parlsplain to me.
I appreciate the offer, I do,
and I was even gonna hold up my end.
But then, late last night,
I got a hankering and I realized
I'd rather eat you. Get them!
You'll never escape the muck!
- Wait, we forgot the Pupa.
- Did we leave him in the lodge?
I'm not sure we brought him at all.
Isn't he at home?
Ah, jeez. We left him
in the school betting story.
Beyblade, Beyblade. Beyblade.
Let's hope he Shit!
Sorry, lane painting-emergency.
Nuclear power plant had a meltdown.
Go back to the lodge.
Yumyulack, it's me,
the real Danielle Johnson. I love you.
I know she's a husk, but she's hot.
Don't worry.
I had Terry upgrade this bad boy
- with off-road capabilities last month.
- Punch it.
KORVO: God damn it, why are there skis?
You didn't tell me
what kind of road we'd be off of.
Damn it, Terry. Oh, shit! Run.
CROWD: Terry, Korvo, Yumyulack, Jesse,
come back.
I always have sticks in my mouth
after "treeing" myself.
Okay, we gotta get outta here
before these hicks tie us up
and eat us up or whatever.
Hold on a second. How do we know
Korvo isn't behind all of this?
- Why the hell would I be?
- I don't know.
You get butthurt about
every little thing
and now you stymied us
with that magic stuff, remember?
How do we know
you aren't doing a The Game?
I am not doing a The Game.
- How fucking dare you?
- Keep your voice down.
They're gonna catch us if we don't
stop fighting about shit from the past.
But this is how old shit festers
into new shit.
We have to stop moving on
without properly apologizing.
Fine. I apologize for involving you all
in my magic trick.
It wasn't my place to inject your lives
with a child-like sense of wonder.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for getting so bent out
of shape over graphic depictions
of the Red Goobler blasting you
behind my back.
Look at us, friends again.
No! This is what I'm talking about.
We have core issues
to deal with, people.
Here's a core issue. How do we escape
without our sci-fi stuff?
I know I said we were unplugging,
but I did bring a small piece of sci-fi,
my pocket laser.
- Forgot I had it on me.
- Never go anywhere without it.
Terry, I assume you broke the rules
and brought something, too.
Just in case things got kinky.
Oh, I wish this trip had gone that way.
We're gonna have to fight our way out.
Hurry up. Make some weapons.
Muckers, it's time to get dirty.
[GROANS] Shit!
Oh, I'm gonna enjoy noshing you.
And then we're gonna go up floor
by floor and eat all your friends.
Everyone you care about
is gonna get pooped outta my ass.
- Ha-ha Huh?
The hell is that thing?
Whatever it was,
it's not our problem anymore.
Once we get the power back on,
we gotta clean these levels out.
Hey, guys, the power room.
I think it's right below us.
Sweep sector four again.
And hey, remember, don't harm them.
Please let us go home.
- Citizen's arrest, bitch.
- Whoa, guys.
Nobody move.
Back the fuck up.
- Don't come any closer.
- Ow!
But settle a bet, which creepy
townspeople movie are we in?
Wicker Man, Truman Show, or Midsommar?
None. Those are all super creepy.
Little Mountain Lake
exists only for you.
It's been that way
since your first visit.
What do you mean it exists only for us?
Explain yourself.
On your first trip you tipped us
millions of dollars in diamonds.
We ran the math.
By focusing on just your family,
we make more than trying
to service tourists in general.
So, we rebuilt the town and
based the changes around what you like.
Then you stopped coming. For two years.
Our entire economy was on the verge
of collapse. Without you we had nothing.
JOHNSON: We hired a team of
Russian hackers to scrape your data,
and then we built an algorithm
to determine your every need
and spammed your social media with ads.
That's why I got Little Mountain ads
on my OnlyFans.
Once you got here, the algorithm
determined that if you worked through
your issues at LML,
you'd love it here even more.
We don't love it.
You can take your algorithm
and shove it up your butt hole.
Let this be a lesson,
you mess with the Solar Opposites,
you pay with your fucking life.
Did we take it too far back there?
With all the killing?
I'd say we walked right up to the line.
Well, the good news is, now we have
the whole six-hour ride home
to talk through all our issues.
Didn't we do all that
when we apologized in the woods?
No, I'm talking about really
drilling down to the core issues,
so we can learn and grow.
- Like that algorithm wanted us to.
- So, we lost our favorite vacation spot,
and we're supposed to work through
our issues now?
That sounds worse
than keeping our vacation spot
- and never working through our issues.
I do love algorithms.
I know you do.
Oh, God!
They're coming back to finish us off.
KORVO: Stop cowering.
After a short, angry drive,
we've realized that your algorithm
was spot the fuck on.
You mean we were right to help you?
No, the algorithm was right to help us.
Humans are disgusting,
messy, and stupid.
Algorithms are pure,
and I can't stay mad at math.
We've decided to keep vacationing here.
But we have some demands.
Thank you, gracious aliens.
We'll do whatever you want.
First, put Little Mountain Lake back
the way it was when we first visited
and then we'll all pretend like
none of this ever happened.
You didn't trap us,
we didn't slaughter 30 people.
And now I want the hotter Danielle.
And no more spying or trying to get us
to work through our issues.
Because we're never gonna grow or learn
or do any of that. You got it?
Now take us to the algorithm.
Poor algorithm,
little guy was just doing
what he was programmed to do.
He's so well designed.
It has to be done.
It was better this way.
That algorithm was dead
the second we took away its data inputs.
Run free, Algo. Run free.
- Can you fix it?
- Yeah, but it's weird.
I expected there to be a clean break,
but this looks like it was chewed.
- What the hell was that?
- CHERIE: Stay on guard.
Here goes nothing.
Whoo! Oh, yeah. Yes!
Eye-patch guy, you are the man, yes!
Not bad for a tiny human [GRUNTS]
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