Solar Opposites (2020) s03e09 Episode Script

The Rays That Turn People Into Various Things

Is that a fucking mosquito?
Fucking slimed me!
I'm not a goddamn runner!
I have flat feet and a super long torso!
My skin is burning!
What the hell?
You got 'squito saliva on you.
Scrub it, or you'll itch for a week.
Come with me if you want a larva.
You know, 'cause baby mosquitoes
are larva, in the movie
Just let's go, so you don't die.
Planet Shlorp was a perfect
utopia until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right.
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa.
Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
Why do you let Tom Cruise
do all his own stunts?
He's gonna get himself killed.
Mr. Cruise, if you're within
the sound of my voice, scale it back.
You're the greatest entertainer ever.
I'm sure your beliefs
are reasonable, too.
I haven't looked into it.
The winner of the house smoothie
challenge is Terry!
- Yes, biatches! I only use vodka!
- What?
In what world
does my hot meatloaf smoothie not win?
Taste it again!
That's real ass butter, son!
- Eat meatloaf, monster!
- Please, stop!
Jesse! What the hell happened
to our Emily in Paris bodysuit?
Guys, I was undercover in the human suit
when I overheard huge news!
There's a Ray Donovan cast reunion?
- No.
- Then what the fuck, Jesse?
There I was, doing hard,
investigative journalism,
on why humans like hummus,
and then suddenly
Snore, skip to the end.
I heard that our town
might be listed by Parade magazine
as one of the ten nicest places to live!
And the judges are coming this week!
Don't care!
This is a horrible use of a flashback!
And our family was not invited
to the giant town photo!
What the hell?
We weren't invited to something?
Now, I fucking care!
Hold up. Everyone, hold your butts.
You're sure they're talking about
the Solars, or was it the Kohlers,
those kitchen sink CEOs down the block?
Because last time I checked,
this town straight up loves us.
We settled this with Nanobot Man.
The "people liking us" stuff?
And I'm basically
the moral center of this town!
That's why I gave the mayor
my Yum-Signal,
in case they ever need
my vigilante services.
You're the moral center of dick.
And Jesse, your sources suck.
Why are we paying
for that journalism MBA
from Grand Canyon University?
It's true! People are afraid of us
'cause we're always zapping them
into random things!
Zapping? Please. I don't zap.
Name one time.
When you turned people who love
dinner parties into bottles of wine.
Look at how tight my calves were.
And remember Terry turning
Red Goobler's fiance into a rat?
Who is framing these?
That was a couple of losers
who deserved it.
The idea that the entire town
is scared of us is batshit.
Watch. I'll prove it to you.
See? The mailman is delivering our mail
like he does for everybody.
From a safe distance with
an LA Sparks-branded T shirt cannon.
What up, Franklin?
Please don't turn me into horsey sauce
like you did to Doug,
who used to have this route!
Maybe Doug shouldn't have
crinkled the magazines!
I'm sensing a pattern.
Those guys wearing Judas Priest shirts
crossed the street
only after they saw us.
And this is why planes never fly
over our house?
Harrison Ford has crashed
into every yard
on this street except ours!
Did you guys ever notice how the Pupa
only has away game play dates?
Wait a fucking minute!
Is that DoorDash guy delivering food
straight to Kevin's door?
I thought the "Dash" was on us!
I always pick it up
from the DoorDash HQ in San Francisco.
The ramen turns into a cold brick
when I get home.
Fam, we gotta fix this.
I want that hot dash!
Jesse, you're always annoyingly
preachy about kindness.
Teach us how not to be jerks.
First lesson, say please!
No! I'm the goddamn boss!
Put a dime in that know-your-place jar,
you snizz.
This ain't gonna be easy.
Hey, isn't this where we had
our Shlorpian sexual
harassment training?
Who's that hot guy who ran it?
Real strong shoulders,
like cum gutters on the roof,
- you know what I'm saying?
- Listen up!
I only have 23 hours
to teach you some empathy
before Parade magazine judges this town.
This is a paintball gun
that represents our sci-fi race.
Repeat after me, I will not use this.
I need more paintballs, woman!
Okay, Korvo. You're at a car shop.
And this mechanic's gonna tell you
what's wrong with your car.
This piece of cardboard shit
thinks he knows more than me?
We're just gonna listen to him.
You see, when the warning light goes on,
that means there is a problem.
I know what a warning light is,
Ah-ah-ah! Patience!
Remember, he's just trying to help!
This here is your spark plug.
You want me to write
those words down for you?
Hear him out!
That'll be $300.
Okay. Terry. You're in an Uber pool.
Wow! How frugal of me.
I'm growing already.
All you need to do
is make it across the room.
Okay, I see what's happening.
These Red Sox fans are gonna
yammer on about Beantown,
and you think I'll turn them
into chowder or some shit.
But joke's on you, kid,
because I love Boston.
That's why I got a "We Bought a Zoo"
Matt Damon tattoo inside my lip.
So start her up, Jesse.
Give me your worst!
Did you hear what happened at the end
of Fast and Furious 10,
10 Fast 10 Furious?
Ah! No spoilers! Stop the car.
Stay calm, use your words!
I heard Vinny Diesel steals
a space shuttle.
Remove your mouth from your faces!
I couldn't believe they killed Hobbs.
I will burn every last Dunkin' Donuts
in this hemisphere,
you Guinness blooded damn Apple hammers.
Okay, we're gonna
make this real simple.
Just order from the menu.
I'd like a grilled cheese.
- Please.
- That's the ticket!
Would you like mozzarella?
American? Provolone?
Why would you do that?
Come on! Cheddar wasn't
even in their top three!
Jesus. This was the prison level.
You can still see the tally marks.
Oh, God, this guy only made it one day.
That's depressing.
Well, prisons in the time of The Duke?
Yeah. But now, it's home.
Come on, you must be starving.
What the hell are we doing?
Do I need to remind you the last people
we followed ate Joe Sanders?
Dude, that's the janitor.
He was one of the first people
in the Wall.
- So?
- So,
he must know how to stop the mosquitoes.
We did what we came to do.
The power is on. Let's go home.
And put my baby to sleep every night
knowing that at any second
a Dumpster Dracula could suck her dry?
Fuck that! Who knows how many there are?
Well, there's about 10
by your feet right now.
How do we kill them all?
You can't. I'll show you why.
Hell, no. Absolutely not.
No goddamn respect.
No one listens,
fucking bugs spitting on me and shit.
So, how'd we do?
You all failed miserably!
Uh, recount much?
Not one of you thought
about another person's feelings!
The Parade magazine judges
will be here in a few hours!
Who cares if we're not invited?
I say we photobomb these losers.
Hard agree. What if we turn everyone
who was shitting on us
into actual Polaroids?
- I can whip up a ray gun that will
- Brill, Korvo.
You leave me no choice.
I invoke Taron Egerten!
You're banishing us?
A Shlorpian can only invoke
Taron Egerten once in a lifetime.
You can't just
willy-nilly invoke Taron Egerten.
We did it the first day we landed,
now we can't invoke shite!
I invoke!
Don't do this, Jesse. Please!
Banished Shlorpians must remain
in the brainwashing room
for a full solar cycle.
A year?
Or until you assholes learn empathy.
A year?
Commencing sympathy re-education
in three
Stop! No!
Why is a puppy friends
with an otter?
They don't share a habitat.
The rainbows!
They burn my eyes!
Now everyone in town
can be who they want,
without sci-fi messing up their life.
Okay, I think it's over.
Oh, no! Babies discovering bubbles!
Oh, God, no, Marlo!
Marlo! Get back here!
Not the aliens' house!
Anywhere but the aliens' house!
Shit, shit, shit!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Hi there, neighbs!
Oh, God, I'm sorry! The leash slipped.
Please don't tell Korvo. Oh, God!
You don't have to worry
about my family anymore.
They're all hella locked up.
Have a fun day!
Hey! Remember those dicks
who turned me into a gummy bear?
It was technically a Swedish Fish.
I tried to bone you in the gummy butt.
It was the second craziest 9/11
of my life.
Well, they're all locked up!
We can be jerks again.
Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
Jerk, jerk, jerks!
Now, generally, I'm a dark meat guy,
but when it comes to 'squitoes,
you want that sweet yellow meat.
So you're kind of like Quint from Jaws,
but for bugs.
Hey, that's what I'm going for.
I got bored making diaphragms
out of the lambskin scraps
Yumyulack gives us.
So, now I come down to the lower levels,
catch a bug, go back up,
sell its meat at the market.
All this time, you thought
you were eating turkey jerky.
But no, that is grade-A mosquito.
Mmm, this is good!
Gotta use all parts of the ski buffalo.
Steaks from the thorax.
Netting from the wings.
Check this out. Would you believe
this hat used to be a mosquito's head?
You can't fight nature.
You gotta learn to live with it.
I think the point of all humanity
is that you don't.
Take it from a first gen Wallian,
and I've seen it all.
We went from gum boys to the Tim era.
Now we're blessed with mosquito protein.
These disgusting monsters
are our future.
This is how we rid ourselves
of our reliance on the aliens' candy.
This tastes just like
a freshly microwaved Bob Evans.
We gotta to convince Parliament
to protect these bugs.
It's the only way the Wall
can be in harmony with itself.
God damn it!
Yeah, this is delicious.
We've had a good run, Maddie.
But this town no longer needs
a Civic Responsibility manager.
I can't believe my life's work
was to create
the world's first
jerk monitoring system.
And now I'll never get to use it.
But now that we're up
for top 10 nicest places to live,
there are no more jerks to be monitored.
Do you want me to unplug it?
Please. I can't bear it.
The jerks! The jerks are
filling up the streets!
No, no! They aren't hiding anymore.
The jerks are on the move.
Get me the mayor!
If we don't act now,
here's how many jerks
will be out in 10 minutes,
twenty minutes, and in an hour's time,
we'll have completely lost our city.
Oh, God! We might be too late.
Kid Rock just announced he's bringing
his "Make America Squirt Again" festival
to our town!
Well, I know what I need to do.
I'm gonna sleep with my mistress
in my own bed!
Wow. All this time the mayor was a jerk.
That's a political first.
It's up to us now, Maddie.
Nope! It's up to you now.
You're fat! Bye!
The town is full of jerks
and Parade Magazine is coming today!
We have to do something before they
Oh, no!
Oh, God! No!
Hey, Bones Rider.
Man, how long was I asleep?
Those 'squito pupas
really knocked me out.
Whoa! What the hell?
Your partner's lost her cool,
haircut-head. Untie me.
Hey, psycho! What's with the hostage?
The janitor needed to be taken out
of the equation. He'll be fine.
We were his guests. What equation?
"E" equals "kill every mosquito."
What? We can feed the whole Wall.
Anything that could hurt Pezlie
needs to be destroyed.
Jesus, Cherie.
How many more people have to die
because you have to nuke every threat?
Well, maybe you could start helping
with some threats.
- I thought you were a hero.
- I've never wanted to be a hero!
That's it. I'm done. I'm going home.
You can't quit! We're partners!
My wife is my partner.
I never should've left her behind.
Fine! Fuck it!
- Go!
- Don't you get it?
There's always gonna be another battle.
It'll never end!
Then I'll keep fighting!
What's the point of fighting
for your family
if you never get to be with your family?
Go home, Cherie.
Before you make that baby an orphan.
So this is where we are, huh?
You're just like Tim and the Duke.
You don't know shit about Ringo.
We've been given a blessing,
but you're too busy leading to see it.
Liars, always holding on to power
with your stupid lies.
No, I got rid of all the liars.
If you think that, then you don't know
who's lying to you.
Oh, shut up.
Hmm Ugh!
This would be so much easier
if this wasn't so delicious.
Okay, Pupa.
Let's go get in that town photo.
Now that the three biggest town jerks
are locked in our ship,
we can be free to Ew!
Listen to this dream I had last night.
It's super long,
and you're totally not in it.
What's happening?
There's a lot of people
around in summer scarves.
Those aliens who turned us
into iguanas last year are gone!
We totally deserved it, too.
But now the jerks are back, baby!
Oh, no! I was wrong!
Korvo, Terry and Yum
weren't the problem.
They were the solution!
I tried arson
but it backfired!
Oh, God, no!
Hey! Emily in Paris!
This is how it'll look in five minutes.
In 10 minutes!
I don't have time for this!
God damn it!
That's the silhouette he chose?
I get it now.
I fucking love empathy.
Yes, we've seen soldiers
surprising their kids at the airport,
and we double watched Scrooge.
It expanded every heart I have.
Hold up! Got a message for Yum!
Oh, my God! The town finally needs
its moral center.
- Aisha, release us.
- I don't think you're ready.
Fam, I was wrong!
Jerks have totally taken over.
And only you assholes
can save this town.
Come on, Aish, we need to get out!
Come on, sister girl!
We're running out of time.
Jesus! You fucking aliens
get into some stupid shit.
Okay. We can skip to the final test.
I ordered a pizza.
All you gotta do is talk to
the delivery guy and get your pizza.
- Okay?
- Wow! That's it.
- Easy. Not even hungry.
- Also, he's two hours late.
What? Where the fuck's my 'za?
Come on! You guys can do this!
As of now, I believe in you.
Ah! My Teen Titans collector vases.
Let's get this over with.
Hello, pizza representative?
Yeah, I've got a pizza for Korn,
Larry and Hackedy Sack.
Call me by my Christian name!
No, no. Calm your tits, Yumyulack.
This can be done.
Thank you.
Cute. Now, tip him.
For not doing his job?
Come on! We gotta get out of here.
The city needs me.
Uh, does it go any lower than 10%?
No? 10 is the bottom? Of course it is.
We did it. Open the doors.
Give him five stars.
- Fine!
- Fuck off!
I can't. A perfect five star-rating
means something, damn it.
Okay, if I've learned anything today,
it's that empathy isn't about
doing the correct thing.
It's about skipping what makes sense
to make someone else feel good.
Come on. What would Scrooge do?
He would think about
what other people want
and give them that,
because he's actually Santa.
Yes. Wait, what?
Did you even watch the movie?
No, I had my eyes closed the whole time.
But I remember the poster.
- Yes!
- Hell, right!
It's empathy time, motherfuckers!
Let's get decent.
What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love
It's the only thing
That there's just too little of
What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love
No, not just for some
Oh, but just for
Every, every
Oh, my God! I did it!
All the jerks are gone.
Which means, I get to be
the only jerk in town!
What a fucking reveal!
Whoa! Our town looks gorgeous!
Yeah, we empathized the fuck
out of this place.
In all my time as a Parade judge,
I have never seen nicer townsfolk.
Surely the top 10 will include
the gorgeous city of Geenadavisville.
- Yeah!
- Check it out!
I'm giving this fountain
a golden shower.
Oh, no, this is bad.
Sorry. Please continue.
Oh, my God!
Did you just turn that man into coins?
I love our family pics!
Really makes this house a home.
Oh, yes. Every time
I walk by this picture,
I'll remember what a total bag of shit
that guy was.
Fudge balls! After all that,
I can't believe we didn't get listed
in the 10 nicest places to live.
We could've been on the cover!
Nah, son. This cover is way better.
"Town's Moral Center
saves everyone's ass."
Oh! One, no. Two, no.
Three, no, four!
Four recipes for creamy chowders!
Yeah, baby!
Ow! No, no!
No, no, no, no!
Halk! You came back.
You know me.
Always the hero.
They're way too many.
The lighter! We can use the fluid.
Good teamwork, partner.
What was
The floor! Run!
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