Solar Opposites (2020) s04e06 Episode Script

The Stockiverse Ray

[dramatic theme]

I can't believe Terry won't let me trim
his back moss with this bad boy.
I'd cut the shit
out of those unruly tufts.
[camera shutter clicks]
[people laughing]
What the fuck is this?
Hello, my neighbor Kevin and his wife
whose name I choose to forget.
I want to say Elphaba.
Yeah, close enough.
Why are you all dressed in uniforms?
Did someone get promoted
to an M-level guardian?
Nope. We're just taking
our annual family photos.
I tried fixing our marriage
by getting that dog.
It helped, but it didn't make up
for my many, many affairs.
So now we're getting new family photos
to show how stable we look on the surface.
Annual family pictures?
You mean you're supposed
to do that more than once?
Oh, yeah, every year.
Keeps the family together.
This photographer is the best.
Everyone in the neighborhood uses her.
Even the uggos like Clark and Vivian?
Yeah, man, we all do.
Don't you?
We only did it once to,
to trick everyone
into seeing us as
a non-threatening part of the herd.
Oh, I'm sure that's okay.
Nobody's gonna notice.
Fuck you! We're not weird.
You and Annalisa are the fucking weirdos.
[Solar Opposites scream]
Emergency meeting!
We need to take a new family photo
because we're weird.
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa,
and escaped into the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth,
stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.
That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name is Korvo.
This is my show.
Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.
Ugh. This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
Everyone loves sports so much,
but they all last too long.
Everything should be one try
and if you don't score points,
you're dead.
Now those are
some motherfuckin' stakes.

[foreboding music]
[man laughing]

We've been going
back and forth for hours.
It's time to vote.
The proposal is to ration
15 percent of the big candy corn
by cutting off the white tip and saving it
for next year's harvest.
All in favor of just the tip.
The motion passes.
You're safe to cross the street.
You can put a crossing guard in a wall
because he made Yumyulack late
to seeing Tomb Raider vs Anaconda,
but you can't take
the crossing guard out of the man.
Another message from our spy.
And we still have no idea who this is
or why they're helping us?
No, that's how they stay alive.
Okay, it says the baby's safe.
But Sister Sisto is making
the wall colder.
What the hell does that mean?
It means Sisto will stop
at nothing to destroy us.
She stole my baby,
put up a wall in the wall,
and now she's messing
with the thermostat?
She'll kill us all!
I'm gonna have to stop you right there.
We don't know that yet.
Cherie, I think you're way too
emotionally invested in this.
We have to infiltrate
the Bowinian side,
stop Sister Sisto,
and rescue Pezlie.
Right now, we have peace.
We can't jeopardize that
by invading the Bowinian side.
Our people have been through a war,
a mosquito uprising,
gruesome murders, a low-rise jean trend.
I'm afraid if we ask for more,
it could all fall apart.
So we're just gonna let
everyone freeze to death?
Come on, that won't happen.
We have teams playing
the Game Boy 24 hours a day.
As long as it's running, we'll have heat.
One 8-bit game console isn't enough.
Plus, do you think the Bowinians
don't have operatives over here?
If we have a spy, they have a spy.
That's how spy shit works.
We need to send a mission
across the wall in the wall now.
Fine, Cherie, we can vote
on whether to send people
to rescue Pezlie.
All in favor.
Motion fails.
For now, we stay the course.
You fuckin' cowards.
[gentle music]
Ugh. Our old family photo
is out of date,
and we don't look anything
like this anymore.
Wow, you really care about this.
You only stress eat
those disgusting Num Nums
when you're really upset.
How dare you!
Num Nums are a Shlorpian delicacy.
Ugh. Ah, now I'm gonna smell
like dog farts all day.
Can't we just keep using
our old family photo?
I'm on my zeriod.
My skin's all messed up.
We're all on our zeriods
because our zycles have zynced.
A big part of the mission
is us fitting in on Earth
so they don't kill us
and throw the Pupa in a kiln.
- [Pupa gasps]
- The mission?
Huh, 2020 called,
it wants its stakes back.
The mission never went away.
I may have gotten a little cooler
and a little more with it,
but we still have a job to do.
And you, you're all replaceable,
so don't piss me off.
You like?
I jacked up the sexy
with a little titty window.
They were already sexy how they were.
Watch out.
Femme-trepreneur coming through.
You too?
What are you wearing?
This is the J-Off brand I created.
It's my drip.
This picture is the perfect place
to get my multi-hood out there.
Check it out.
Oversized hood, cat ear hood,
Unabomber hood.
And I have swag!
pop sockets, key chains.
Pretty fleek, right?
At least Yumyulack has his robes on.
I knew I hated him the least.
That's what's up, son!
Put a quarter in the Juggalo jar.
Crap, sorry.
[coin clinks]
Okay. Places, places.
[camera shutter clicks]
Jesse, we can't see your face.
You have another hood on.
Yumyulack, why are you holding your chin?
It's my fuck boy face.
You like?
- Whatever.
- No fair.
I wanna do something
that makes me stand out.
Or handstand out.
Here we go.
- Gah! Fuck!
- Would you stop that?
Let's try again.
Everyone look like
a perfect non-weird family.
[camera shutter clicks]
Why do you have to be like this?
[suspenseful music]
[Cherie panting]
[Pezlie crying]
No, not the
[suspenseful music]

What are you up to, Jimmy?
AISHA, I need a ray
that will make my family
appear perfect
and not all weird in a photo.
Are you trying to sell them again?
You know they always find their way back
'cause they got that compass
from that cereal box.
No, I just need a new family photo
for mission reasons.
AISHA: Let me scan through all
the stock photos on the internet
to find the right one for inspiration.
That one right there.
That family looks un-weird.
I want a ray for that.
I can't just hand out new rays.
They gotta be tested,
peer-reviewed, clinical trials.
You made a Tubi ray
to get free Tubi the other day.
Don't give me that peer-review shit.
You saw that?
[sighs] I guess I gotta start
locking my damn door.
[dramatic sting]
This is the most neck-heavy hoodie
I've ever worn.
But damn it, I love the options.
Get stock photoed, motherfuckers.
Wait, was that thing even peer-reviewed?
[ray fires]
Oh, shit!
Hey, girl.
Wha-what's up?
What's happening?
What did you fuck up now?
I zapped everyone with your ray,
and they went all Mike TV.
- AISHA: I told you.
- Are they gone forever?
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
They're good.
The ray created a pocket universe
out of stock photos.
A stockiverse?
AISHA: Yeah, their asses are stuck
with all these stock fools
and the only way to save them is for you
to go in there and get them out.
Putting my family into a stockiverse
is even weirder than we were before.
- Put me in!
- AISHA: Hold on now!
There are some rules to this shit.
You can't go in all raw dog.
If you breathe in the air,
you'll get sucked in too.
Here, take Terry's sexy
12 Monkeys Halloween costume.
That all sounds reasonable.
AISHA: Good.
Now shoot yourself in the mound.
Huh. How about in the shoulder?
Or you can give it to me in a pill
and I can roll it up in some cheese?
This is the only way.
You could've shot yourself anywhere.
That's what you get
for not respecting protocol, bitch.
Welcome to the stockiverse,
a world of perfectly aged,
perfectly diverse,
inoffensive people who have
no brand affiliations.
According to my scans,
you're near the workplace casual zone.
- Jesse's trapped here.
- There she is.
[all laughing]
You did a great job
on that last presentation.
Lots of synergy.
Looking forward to your
PowerPoint this afternoon.
What the fuck are you talking about?
[buzzer sounds]
AISHA, what happened?
AISHA: She's been integrated
into the stockiverse.
I love sitting with friends
so we can all use the same computer.
AISHA: You gotta remind her
about stuff she likes
that isn't business casual.
I don't know what she likes.
We never have stories together.
Let's find opportunities
for brand integration.
She was branding herself
with something.
Oh, what was it?
J Doozy. J Dizzle.
Oh, it was hoodies.
[marker squeaking]
Jesse, look at my drip.
I'm full on dripping,
like a mom watching Bridgerton
in the tub with the lights off.
I'm spurting!
K-K-Korvo, wearing my brand?
That means so much to me.
Come on.
We have to save the rest of the team!
Where are you going, Jesse?
You have a presentation.
Ah, shit!
It's a business casual coworker hydra!
- AISHA, get us out of here!
- AISHA: Exit square to your left!
WORKERS: Let's circle back!
Let's circle back!
[tense music]

A dead drop?
We have a spy among us,
and their name rhymes with Timmy.
What the fuck?
No, not Timmy.
It's Jimmy!
I forgot we had a Timmy.
Damn, that's fuckin' cold, Cherie.
Look, I don't know
exactly what's happening,
but it has something to do
with the food depot.
I gotta call red light on this.
Jimmy is one of our most
loyal council members.
He fought in Wall War I.
I'm sure whatever you saw,
it's probably nothing.
This is the wall!
It is never nothing!
AISHA: If you couldn't guess
from the smell
of aggression
and cheap beer,
you are now
in the sports zone.
This is where Yumyulack is stuck.
Go team, yeah!
I haven't seen him this happy
since he got a prison pen pal.
Mark "The Corpse Mutilator" Johnson
is actually a really good
landscape painter.
Home run! Touchdown!
Defense! Woo!
Fuck, how are we gonna
get him out of this?
He's fully invested.
What does Yumyulack love
more than anything?
I don't know.
Being angry is his favorite hobby
right after competitive cage fighting.
He does love being angry.
Let's read him some comments
from the internet.
AISHA, pull up the Marvel subreddit.
Let's see. Uh ah!
Yumyulack, this guy thinks Wolverine
should have been played by Zendaya.
Go sports!
I love hot dogs and paying $15 for beer.
We gotta bring out the big guns.
AISHA, Paddington 2 Reddit now.
Oh, my God.
The first million comments
are all people wanting
to have sex with Paddington.
Paddington's a little bitch.
Paddington 1 is better
than Paddington 2.
Ooh, Paddington wouldn't last
a second in prison.
Goddamn it!
What is wrong with these people?
Hugh Grant imbued his villain
with a rakish charm.
Grab him!
Where are you going with him?
That's our friend!
Foul! Foul!
[dramatic music]
[cat meows]
Alright, this is the animal zone.
Pupa should be around somewhere.
Oh, which one is he?
I don't know.
I'm blinded by all the cuteness.
Check under them.
I wrote my name
in Sharpie on him down there
in case he ever gets lost.
- Pupa!
- I got him, I got him.
[animals growling]
Down. Bad puppies!
Fucking run!
[dramatic music]
[all panting]
Are you sure this is authorized?
Because we're missing our shift
on the wall in the wall.
Oh, yeah.
Something big's going down.
Look, he's stealing the food!
What the fuck?
Come on!
[dramatic music]
Not the blue Gatorade!
That's the one that has
the actual gator piss in it.
Oh, what are you doing?
[indistinct arguing]
One at a time!
I found Jimmy stealing
and possibly contaminating
the food supply.
He's a spy.
That's not what we were doing.
I was getting supplies together
for a movie night.
Oh, please.
I thought it would raise morale.
In one corner of the wall in the wall,
if you climb to the top,
you could see Yumyulack's computer
with all his stolen movies and TV shows.
No, you can't.
He's clearly lying.
I can prove it.
He's right.
You can see The Boondock Saints:
The Dawn of Boon movie file
right there on the desktop.
Ooh, and the new season
of Top Chef: Insects.
That's what we were gonna watch.
Padma loves a crunch.
I [sighs]
I'm sorry.
Yeah, that does sound fun.
You've gone crazy, you know that?
From now on, stay away from me.
I really thought something was going on.
There's no threat.
Just chill the fuck out
for once in your life.
Go get some sleep, Cherie.
It's just not time to save Pezlie
when we're at peace.
This is the weekend zone.
Now find Terry and get out of there
before it's too late.
This one's gonna be easy.
It's just a bunch of ladies
throwing down some salads.
AISHA: Don't be fooled.
They aren't allowed to eat the salads.
They can only hover a bite
right next to their mouths.
It can make a bitch crazy.
Just ask Ryan Seacrest.
We're going to have
to dig deep into Terry's brain
beneath all the tips
for lifting your buttocks muscles
and Jack In The Box secret menus.
Terry's favorite movie is Chappie.
Maybe there's something with that.
Oh, do you remember
the theme from Chappie?
Oh, of course I do.
It won a middle school Grammy.
Chappie's a robot
so he can go to hell ♪
All he does is hang out
with Dev Patel ♪
It's the Chappie rappy ♪
The Chappie rappy ♪
The Chappie ♪
[computer beeps]
I love salad and neighborhood gossip.
It's not working.
Fuck this.
[Korvo grunting]
Ah, Korvo!
Stop jabbing!
It worked!
The power of love.
You stabbed me!
Next time, just be moved
by the Chappie song
and I won't have to.
Come on, come on.
- [coughing]
- Oh, shit, I just coughed up blood.
Did you have to stab me so hard?
[Korvo grunts]
Oh, no!
The salad lady got Korvo!
[Korvo gasping]
Look at this family I brought you.
Bland, just like you like it.
Ooh, button-downs.
They're wearing the uniform
of the coastal elite.
They're ready to take
a family photo with you.
They're so perfect and un-weird.
Great going, dumbasses.
You lost Korvo to the family zone,
the most powerful of all zones.
I'm not ready to be
the man of the house.
He's gone forever,
behind the paywall.
[gasps] A paywall?
That's right.
I'm premium!
How are you such an evil
normal-looking salad lady?
You think it's easy
to hold a fork up like this
and smile all day, every day?
[salad lady laughing maniacally]
You probably thought
I was laughing nicely,
but really I was always
laughing maniacally.
[laughing maniacally]
[camera shutter clicks]
Oh, no, Korvo!
Oh, lady says there's
no way to get him out.
So you wanna
get out of here or what?
AISHA: If you leave now,
he'll be stuck in the stockiverse forever.
All these fuckin' rules suck!
Wait, Korvo hates salad.
He only likes those gross Num Nums.
Wait a minute.
We should eat Num Nums
in front of him
to remind him who he is.
Terry just came up with a solve!
Go me!
Suck my fuckin' dick, you guys.
But where are we gonna get
some Num Nums in here?
If Postmates won't deliver
in Joliet penitentiary,
they sure as hell won't
in the stockiverse.
Pupes was eating some this morning.
It takes him thousands
of years to digest anything,
like the Sarlacc from The Book of Boba Fett
on Disney Plus.
Or like a snake, a non-Disney IP.
Regular old snake.
Turn that little bitch over
and let's find some Num Nums.

[Pupa gasping]
- Oh God.
- Eww.
These are now
extra-rancid Num Nums.
[all groaning]
It's like eating packing peanuts
dipped in soft poop.
TERRY: Mine tastes like
a hamster aborted a glue stick.
I'm gonna hurl.
[Yumyulack vomiting]
That actually tasted better
than the Num Nums.
Mm, juicy.
[gentle music]
KORVO: My team.
My family team eating Num Nums?
You, you would do that for me?
Even though they taste like whale sperm
mixed with unseasoned chalupa meat?
Or like a third trimester
hamster abortion?
You would eat them even though
they have the mouth feel
of a penguin's unwashed penis tip?
Of course, we would, homie.
Get back here
and eat this undressed lettuce.
[all grunting]
[dramatic music]
We're losing him!
Guys, I'm being pulled apart.
Not emotionally.
My hearts are totally with you.
But literally!
[upbeat video game music]
Ooh. Every time you clear a line,
this thing gets so hot.
Shift almost over?
Yep. Just waiting on one of those
long pieces to get a Tetris.
Then I'm gonna head home.
Oh, nice.
Christopher's making
Butterfinger tacos tonight
if you wanna come over.
Eh, I gotta rest up.
We're playing Kirby tomorrow.
Fuck me.
We got a problem over here!
[sparks crackling]
Guys, this is a mess.
There's nothing I can do.
- What happened?
- You see right here?
That's a mint burn.
Looks like someone crammed
a Mentos in here
and set it off with Diet Coke.
Damn, not the fresh maker.
Sisto knows this is
where we get our heat.
So now she's attacking our infrastructure.
This is too far.
You were right.
The Bowinian side is clearly
an imminent threat
to our way of life.
We should have listened to you.
Well, at least now you understand
what we're dealing with.
We have no choice.
We have to go to the Bowinian side
and stop Sister Sisto.
And get Pezlie back.
She's the symbol of Sisto's power.
That's the only way to stop the madness.
Why did she have
to break the peace?
This can only lead to war.
Some people are just bad.
Get fucking used to it.
[dramatic music]
[all grunting]
They've got too much
boring-ass power on their side!
Don't you dare let go!
AISHA, do something!
I can't until you get him out
from behind that watermark.
Eat a bag of shitty romaine,
you salad bitch.
[all scream]
I'm sorry, Korvo.
This would've never happened
if we just took the picture
the way you wanted.
- We suck.
- No, I suck.
I hate standing out and being weird
and I blamed it on the mission,
but I realized our weirdness
is what makes us strong.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Korvo.
You're the weirdest one of us all.
And that rules.
Really? Thank you.
Now let's get out of here
like the sexy freaks that we are.
[all cheering]
Ew, get it off!
We've been in here too long.
The watermark is becoming permanent.
We're stuck!
You're part of the image library now.
Oh, where's my salad?
I need to laugh maniacally.
[laughing maniacally]
Wait, Jesse, they have
to be stock, right?
I guess.
What are you asking, Korvo?
Because you have a brand.
Please tell me you still have
all that fleek swag.
Heck yeah!
J-Off to the rescue!
Stop that.
I can't be on brand!
They can't survive if they aren't stock.
It's too specific.
Let's trademark their asses!
[upbeat music]
Take these logos,
you generic sports hoes!

[animals growling]

[both screaming]

You can't do this.
I'm Premium!
Get your asses out of there!
The whole verse is getting trademarked!
[Korvo panting]
[all groan]
Hell yeah, y'all did it.
[all sigh]
Well, at the end of the day,
I got what I wanted.
The photo of a perfect family.
Sorry about trapping everyone
in the stockiverse.
That's okay.
It wasn't so different
from when you got us trapped
in the Atariverse last year.
Or like that
'90s sitcom character-verse
you got us stuck in the year before.
Or wait,
[imitating Steve Urkel]
did I do that?
[studio audience laughing]
At least we can add it to the times
we've been caught in a verse album.
TERRY: I guess we do get caught
in a lot of verses.
Oh, man.
And in every one,
we learn how to be a family.
Bring it in, you weirdos.
Bring it, come on.
Ew. God damn it, Korvo.
You stink.
- How many Num Nums have you been eating?
- One.
Well, you smell like shit's ugly sister.
And I love it.
- Ew, gross!
- Come on. Boo!
[Korvo/Terry moaning]
[Pupa chewing]
You're our only hope.
Stop the wall from freezing
and rescue Pezlie.
If Sisto gets in your way,
you're authorized
to put her in the ground.
Copy that.
You'll need these Bowinian robes.
Our spy will make contact.
I'm now going to speak in rhyme
to hide our secret
in case someone's listening.
- Why would that
- Shh.
There's a ball
in the wall in the wall.
The hole in the ball, it's not very tall.
You'll have to crawl through the ball
to get through the wall, y'all.
And may the light of Christ
shine on you all.
[foreboding music]
That got weird with
the Christ thing at the end.
What was that about?
[dramatic theme]

[mimicking laser fire]
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