Son of the Beach (2000) s01e04 Episode Script
Love, Native American Style
[Chanting.]
How-a, how-a, hi.
[Continues.]
[Chanting Hebrew Song.]
Hineh ma tovu manayim Shevet nachim gamyachad It's a good day to die.
And what betterway than to die with my children beside me-- my son Dark Horse my beautiful daughter Fire Bush and last but not least, my adopted son, Notch Johnson.
Please, tribal father.
Call me by my Indian name.
OK, LittleWorm.
Thanks, Dad.
We Kahonees have lived on this land for centuries.
From the mountains to thevalleys to the ocean white with foam.
Dark Horse.
You are to be chief.
You must never allow outsiders to take over our land.
Don't worry, Pop.
I'll take care of everything.
Likeyou always said: The buckskin stops here.
Father is right.
We must be content with what we have: Protecting our lands, making our blankets.
And selling medicinal tobacco to peoplewith glaucoma.
I said I'd take care ofit, Notch.
Good.
I feel safe now knowing the dirt I am about to eat will always be ours.
[Deep Sigh.]
[Women Chant.]
[Sobbing.]
Well, Mr.
Wynne, he's gone.
Jeez, that took long enough.
Heyhe's my father.
And a great chief.
Now when does the tribe get our money? As soon as we break ground for the new casino.
but only she can give us the permits.
Don't worry about the mayor.
J.
P.
Wynne has got her rightwhere I want her.
[Sobbing.]
[Women Chanting.]
Tonight's episode On tonight's Son ofthe Beach, the part of Notch Johnson will be played byVivian Vance.
Hey, I see the fuzz! But I just got a bikini wax! No, B.
J.
It's Lika.
What's up, Lika? Hi! So, Lika, what's Malibu Adjacent's finest doing at the beach? Oh, nothing except I'm getting married next week! [Together.]
Aah! Yo, we have got to plan a bachelorette party and get down with our bad selves! Yeah.
Let's get way rowdy.
And then, Kimberlee, we'll seeyou at the wedding.
Wait.
What's that supposed to mean? Come on, Kimberlee.
When 'Maica and I throw a bachelorette party, it's gonna get crazy! We just assumed that-- Hey! I'm no goody-goody! Girlfriend, please! Notch You don't think I'm a prude, doya? 'Course not.
Why doyou ask? See, everybody's getting together for a bachelorette party at an exotic dance club.
And you got invited? Why does everyone keep asking that? Hey, Chief, can I talk toyou? I got a letter from my Aunt Eva.
- Hold on, Chip.
- [Drumming.]
Those are smoke signals from the Kahonees.
"Chief Dark Horsewill make the Kahonee reservation "a gambling casino? "Itwill extend to the beach? More smoke at 1 1 :00.
" This is terrible.
Notch when did you become fluent in smoke signals? I'm a Kahonee.
As a boy, I was adopted bythe late tribal father, Chief Pokemon.
You were part ofhis family? Well, not 1 00% I was more like Robert Duvall in The Godfather, or Ernie on My Three Sons.
But theywere my family.
And now, with every fiber of my being, I have to stop this.
Come on, girl! Git it up! J.
P.
, as excited as I am to meetyou, I don't know.
A gambling establishment.
I have a very conservative constituency.
Anita,just take a look.
I knowyou're going to be as excited as I am onceyou see the Big Kahonee Casino.
My Lord! It's so big.
Anita, nothing about me is small.
Mayor Massengil, what the heck is goin' on? I heard a casino's-- Hey, that is really cool.
What is that? A casino.
A casino? It just so happens I came here to talk toyou about a casino! You're Notch Johnson, the famous lifeguard, aren'tyou? J.
P.
Wynne.
Atlantic City.
I'll giveyou something to shake, mister! You're not building a casino in Malibu Adjacent.
I'm not going to let you destroythe town, the Indian reservation, the beach-- Not to mention, you're cutting offmy unit.
We Kahonees have a saying: Mariska Hargitay Algonquin Calhoun Which means "Go back to Atlantic City.
You're not wanted.
" J.
P.
, the pinhead does have a point.
Ifthe casino is built, this town will never be the same.
Why don'twe talk more about it-- say, uh, over dinner? Dinner? I like dinner.
Where did you have in mind? I have my own jet.
You're not afraid offlying, areyou? Well, let's just put it this way-- I'm a charter member ofthe Mile High Club.
- Ooh.
- [Both Giggle.]
[Muttering.]
Notch, can I talktoyou? Chip, can'tyou see I'm muttering to myself? Ah,jeez, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's this casino.
What can I do foryou, my German buddy? It's my family in South America.
The Rommels of Paraguay.
You remember.
They conduct genetic experiments.
Noblework.
How's their business? It's ghastly.
They need money to complete their findings.
Ah.
Say no more, pilgrim.
$1 0? Oh,jeez, I'm sorry.
I thought itwas a 5.
I'll getyou some change.
Ach du lieber.
Time to start moonlighting.
Thankyou kindly.
Aah! Ha! Yo, our booties are gonna be front row, center forthe bachelorette blowout! [Together.]
Aah! Hey, you know what else we should do for Lika? A lingerie party.
[Together.]
Aah! Aah! AhOoh.
What? It's a lingerie party.
Areyou sure you wanna go? OK, now hold on.
You are all acting like I am some total prude! I would love to go to a lingerie party.
What's a lingerie party? Well, here's how I picture it [Together.]
Aah! Merci, Marceau.
To us To us.
I can't believe I'm in Paris.
And just look at the sights-- the Eiffel Tower the Louvre Notre Dame Popeyes Chicken.
Anita ever since I metyou, I've wanted to giveyou a pearl necklace.
You're using this to buy that permit for the casino.
- No, I'm not.
- [Gasps.]
Forget the casino.
Wewon't build it.
I'm just glad to be in Paris with a real woman.
- Areyou serious? - Absolutely.
Itwas going to be my last casino anyway.
I just wanna meet someone and travel.
And I've almost made enough moneyto dojust that.
Uh-huh.
And when you say enough money, did you have a figure in mind? $50 billion.
I even brought this contract with me, foolishlythinking we could get the business out oftheway, and then talk about us.
[Both Chuckling.]
Let's talkabout us.
[Chanting.]
[Chanting HebrewTune.]
Look, LittleWorm.
Our people have gone crazywith greed! Maybe theywill listen toyou.
[Thunder.]
With all the power ofthe Lord thy God, dost thou not seeth thy sins? Hello, Brown Log.
Laughing Cow.
Hello, White Swallow.
Helloyourself, LittleWorm.
Notch, you mean well, but it is time forthe Kahonees to enjoythe fruits.
Fruits are good.
But I really love nuts.
But lookat the beauty you already have.
What more could you want? On this land, yourfather, Chief Pokemon, taught me how to hunt, how to fish, and how to trap beaver.
Eech! And ifyou give this land to the long knife from Atlantic City, I will use all my power to stop it! [All Groaning.]
Yo, yo, yo! Looks like we got some horny ladies in the house! Any bachelorette parties tonight? Sweetheart, ifyou're gonna be marrying a doctor, you're gonna love our first act.
He isthe Surgeon! That thing is huge! [All.]
: Hi, Chip.
What the hell doyou thinkyou're doing? I made a mistake! I can't do this! I'm the onewho made a mistake! You're fired! [Crowd Boos.]
Ah, thankyou, thankyou.
I'm J.
P.
Wynne.
I have built 1 7 casinos in my life, but the Big Kahonee is going to be my biggest and bestyet.
And I love my new partners-- The Kahonees! Dark Horse! There we go.
Look at the camera.
But, uh, best of all, I have met a woman who's captured my heart.
Mayor Anita Massengil.
Thankyou, sweetheart.
I have a vision for Malibu Adjacent a vision that I'd like to sharewith you-- Oh, I'm sorry you don't approve.
I'm sorry I have to leave the land I love.
Who says you have to leave? A beautiful squaw-- woman likeyourself-- I can makeyou a very nice deal.
We should have dinner some time.
You, uh, like to fly, don'tyou? Dinnerwith you? Mm-hmm.
I would rather die the death ofa thousand buffaloes.
[Anita.]
first shovel ofsand, or, as you Kahonees call it, earth.
[Women Chanting.]
[Drum Beating.]
[Drum Beating.]
"Kahonees swindled.
"Dark Horse attempting suicide.
Yahoo up 29 points"? I'm on it! Wynne stole from us, and it's all myfault.
NowI must die.
Dark Horse! It's only money.
It's not likeyou lostyour land.
- No, he lost the land too, Notch.
- OK [Sobs.]
We got net profits, not adjusted gross! Ifwe Kahonees see any money, it won't be for 400 or 500 moons! I onlywanted what was best for our tribe.
I should have listened to Little Worm and Fire Bush.
Never be ashamed for doing whatyou think is best.
Right, Fire Bush? Where's she going? She's going on a date with J.
P.
Wynne.
Then she's gonna kill him.
- Areyou gonna be OK? - Yeah.
All right.
Here's your gun.
Hey, Chip.
How's it goin'? Wow, Chip.
We can't believe we sawyour big wiener! Uh, what B.
J.
means is, we can't believe we saw your big--uh-- d-dancing.
Ah But whywere you the Surgeon? With that big hose, you should have been the Fireman.
Ahem.
Did you do it forthe money, Chip? Yeah.
Myfamily needs it.
They might lose everything! That sleazy M.
C.
said I could make big Deutsche marks ifI would show my svanson noodle.
Nowwhat do I do? Yowe gotta think ofsomething, girlfriends.
I once thought ofsomething.
Wait.
The prudejust came up with a great idea.
[Both.]
Kimberlee, you? Paris? Mr.
Wynne flewwith his dinner companion to Paris? Let me askyou something.
I have frequent flier miles with Valujet.
- Doyou know iftheyflyto P-- - [Dial Tone.]
I just got some bad news from the governor.
Haveyou seen myJ.
P.
?.
I can't talk now, Mayor.
I've got to get to Paris.
Ah, Paris.
City of Lights.
The Champs Elysees, le TourEiffel.
It's also the citywhere yourJ.
P.
has taken Fire Bush to dinner.
What? Merci, Marceau.
What changed your mind? Ifyou can't beat 'em date him.
I'm gonna kill him.
Then I'm gonna wake him up.
Then I'm gonna kill him again! Well? Hey! White Swallow told me about this odd-shaped bread.
Apparentlythey're called "fag-gets.
" I have always wanted to give a girl a pearl necklace.
But what about the mayor? I thoughtyou were engaged.
Ha, ha! That old bag? No way, baby.
I'm a free man in Paris.
Mmm What the hell is-- Ha, ha, ha! Hi, Anita! You got the message to meet me in Paris.
Saveyour crap for the tables, Wynne.
You used me to get the permit, but guess what.
Notch Johnson made some phone calls, and the governor overruled me.
Your request for a gaming application has been denied.
My people have their land back! And the mayor has broken Wynne! Bravo! [Cheering.]
Do I have any horny guys in the house? Huh? Yeah! Yeah! OK, guys, I got some ladies here who are desperate for money.
So I giveyou the Lifeguards! You say deep down, baby O-on a night like this Well, I heard it all before, honey It's time to put your love to the test You've got to show me Ah Show mewhatyou got Show me Ah, come on, baby Show me I'm awareyou're lookin' at me, baby I like theway you feel Just one thing you gotta do, honey Show me that your love's for real You've got to show me Show me, hey-yeah Show mewhatyou got Show me I want something real Show mewhatyou got Oh, oh, oh Show mewhatyou got Oh, hi, teens.
NotchJohnson here.
You know, tonight's show wasn't about anything.
Itwas more ofa statement against the stereotyping ofthe Native Indian American.
You'll noticewe stayed away from all those stereotypes.
How? You might ask.
Well, firstly, when I see those stereotypes, I get heap big sick.
I mean, I just go, "ugh.
" Thirdly, a lot ofthe actors we used tonight are actually part Injun.
And lastly, to avoid the stereotype ofthe drunken Indian, we limited the amount ofalcohol our actors could drink.
No drinkum firewater! So, until next time, this is Notch "LittleWorm" Johnson saying ride the big one.
How-a, how-a, hi.
[Continues.]
[Chanting Hebrew Song.]
Hineh ma tovu manayim Shevet nachim gamyachad It's a good day to die.
And what betterway than to die with my children beside me-- my son Dark Horse my beautiful daughter Fire Bush and last but not least, my adopted son, Notch Johnson.
Please, tribal father.
Call me by my Indian name.
OK, LittleWorm.
Thanks, Dad.
We Kahonees have lived on this land for centuries.
From the mountains to thevalleys to the ocean white with foam.
Dark Horse.
You are to be chief.
You must never allow outsiders to take over our land.
Don't worry, Pop.
I'll take care of everything.
Likeyou always said: The buckskin stops here.
Father is right.
We must be content with what we have: Protecting our lands, making our blankets.
And selling medicinal tobacco to peoplewith glaucoma.
I said I'd take care ofit, Notch.
Good.
I feel safe now knowing the dirt I am about to eat will always be ours.
[Deep Sigh.]
[Women Chant.]
[Sobbing.]
Well, Mr.
Wynne, he's gone.
Jeez, that took long enough.
Heyhe's my father.
And a great chief.
Now when does the tribe get our money? As soon as we break ground for the new casino.
but only she can give us the permits.
Don't worry about the mayor.
J.
P.
Wynne has got her rightwhere I want her.
[Sobbing.]
[Women Chanting.]
Tonight's episode On tonight's Son ofthe Beach, the part of Notch Johnson will be played byVivian Vance.
Hey, I see the fuzz! But I just got a bikini wax! No, B.
J.
It's Lika.
What's up, Lika? Hi! So, Lika, what's Malibu Adjacent's finest doing at the beach? Oh, nothing except I'm getting married next week! [Together.]
Aah! Yo, we have got to plan a bachelorette party and get down with our bad selves! Yeah.
Let's get way rowdy.
And then, Kimberlee, we'll seeyou at the wedding.
Wait.
What's that supposed to mean? Come on, Kimberlee.
When 'Maica and I throw a bachelorette party, it's gonna get crazy! We just assumed that-- Hey! I'm no goody-goody! Girlfriend, please! Notch You don't think I'm a prude, doya? 'Course not.
Why doyou ask? See, everybody's getting together for a bachelorette party at an exotic dance club.
And you got invited? Why does everyone keep asking that? Hey, Chief, can I talk toyou? I got a letter from my Aunt Eva.
- Hold on, Chip.
- [Drumming.]
Those are smoke signals from the Kahonees.
"Chief Dark Horsewill make the Kahonee reservation "a gambling casino? "Itwill extend to the beach? More smoke at 1 1 :00.
" This is terrible.
Notch when did you become fluent in smoke signals? I'm a Kahonee.
As a boy, I was adopted bythe late tribal father, Chief Pokemon.
You were part ofhis family? Well, not 1 00% I was more like Robert Duvall in The Godfather, or Ernie on My Three Sons.
But theywere my family.
And now, with every fiber of my being, I have to stop this.
Come on, girl! Git it up! J.
P.
, as excited as I am to meetyou, I don't know.
A gambling establishment.
I have a very conservative constituency.
Anita,just take a look.
I knowyou're going to be as excited as I am onceyou see the Big Kahonee Casino.
My Lord! It's so big.
Anita, nothing about me is small.
Mayor Massengil, what the heck is goin' on? I heard a casino's-- Hey, that is really cool.
What is that? A casino.
A casino? It just so happens I came here to talk toyou about a casino! You're Notch Johnson, the famous lifeguard, aren'tyou? J.
P.
Wynne.
Atlantic City.
I'll giveyou something to shake, mister! You're not building a casino in Malibu Adjacent.
I'm not going to let you destroythe town, the Indian reservation, the beach-- Not to mention, you're cutting offmy unit.
We Kahonees have a saying: Mariska Hargitay Algonquin Calhoun Which means "Go back to Atlantic City.
You're not wanted.
" J.
P.
, the pinhead does have a point.
Ifthe casino is built, this town will never be the same.
Why don'twe talk more about it-- say, uh, over dinner? Dinner? I like dinner.
Where did you have in mind? I have my own jet.
You're not afraid offlying, areyou? Well, let's just put it this way-- I'm a charter member ofthe Mile High Club.
- Ooh.
- [Both Giggle.]
[Muttering.]
Notch, can I talktoyou? Chip, can'tyou see I'm muttering to myself? Ah,jeez, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's this casino.
What can I do foryou, my German buddy? It's my family in South America.
The Rommels of Paraguay.
You remember.
They conduct genetic experiments.
Noblework.
How's their business? It's ghastly.
They need money to complete their findings.
Ah.
Say no more, pilgrim.
$1 0? Oh,jeez, I'm sorry.
I thought itwas a 5.
I'll getyou some change.
Ach du lieber.
Time to start moonlighting.
Thankyou kindly.
Aah! Ha! Yo, our booties are gonna be front row, center forthe bachelorette blowout! [Together.]
Aah! Hey, you know what else we should do for Lika? A lingerie party.
[Together.]
Aah! Aah! AhOoh.
What? It's a lingerie party.
Areyou sure you wanna go? OK, now hold on.
You are all acting like I am some total prude! I would love to go to a lingerie party.
What's a lingerie party? Well, here's how I picture it [Together.]
Aah! Merci, Marceau.
To us To us.
I can't believe I'm in Paris.
And just look at the sights-- the Eiffel Tower the Louvre Notre Dame Popeyes Chicken.
Anita ever since I metyou, I've wanted to giveyou a pearl necklace.
You're using this to buy that permit for the casino.
- No, I'm not.
- [Gasps.]
Forget the casino.
Wewon't build it.
I'm just glad to be in Paris with a real woman.
- Areyou serious? - Absolutely.
Itwas going to be my last casino anyway.
I just wanna meet someone and travel.
And I've almost made enough moneyto dojust that.
Uh-huh.
And when you say enough money, did you have a figure in mind? $50 billion.
I even brought this contract with me, foolishlythinking we could get the business out oftheway, and then talk about us.
[Both Chuckling.]
Let's talkabout us.
[Chanting.]
[Chanting HebrewTune.]
Look, LittleWorm.
Our people have gone crazywith greed! Maybe theywill listen toyou.
[Thunder.]
With all the power ofthe Lord thy God, dost thou not seeth thy sins? Hello, Brown Log.
Laughing Cow.
Hello, White Swallow.
Helloyourself, LittleWorm.
Notch, you mean well, but it is time forthe Kahonees to enjoythe fruits.
Fruits are good.
But I really love nuts.
But lookat the beauty you already have.
What more could you want? On this land, yourfather, Chief Pokemon, taught me how to hunt, how to fish, and how to trap beaver.
Eech! And ifyou give this land to the long knife from Atlantic City, I will use all my power to stop it! [All Groaning.]
Yo, yo, yo! Looks like we got some horny ladies in the house! Any bachelorette parties tonight? Sweetheart, ifyou're gonna be marrying a doctor, you're gonna love our first act.
He isthe Surgeon! That thing is huge! [All.]
: Hi, Chip.
What the hell doyou thinkyou're doing? I made a mistake! I can't do this! I'm the onewho made a mistake! You're fired! [Crowd Boos.]
Ah, thankyou, thankyou.
I'm J.
P.
Wynne.
I have built 1 7 casinos in my life, but the Big Kahonee is going to be my biggest and bestyet.
And I love my new partners-- The Kahonees! Dark Horse! There we go.
Look at the camera.
But, uh, best of all, I have met a woman who's captured my heart.
Mayor Anita Massengil.
Thankyou, sweetheart.
I have a vision for Malibu Adjacent a vision that I'd like to sharewith you-- Oh, I'm sorry you don't approve.
I'm sorry I have to leave the land I love.
Who says you have to leave? A beautiful squaw-- woman likeyourself-- I can makeyou a very nice deal.
We should have dinner some time.
You, uh, like to fly, don'tyou? Dinnerwith you? Mm-hmm.
I would rather die the death ofa thousand buffaloes.
[Anita.]
first shovel ofsand, or, as you Kahonees call it, earth.
[Women Chanting.]
[Drum Beating.]
[Drum Beating.]
"Kahonees swindled.
"Dark Horse attempting suicide.
Yahoo up 29 points"? I'm on it! Wynne stole from us, and it's all myfault.
NowI must die.
Dark Horse! It's only money.
It's not likeyou lostyour land.
- No, he lost the land too, Notch.
- OK [Sobs.]
We got net profits, not adjusted gross! Ifwe Kahonees see any money, it won't be for 400 or 500 moons! I onlywanted what was best for our tribe.
I should have listened to Little Worm and Fire Bush.
Never be ashamed for doing whatyou think is best.
Right, Fire Bush? Where's she going? She's going on a date with J.
P.
Wynne.
Then she's gonna kill him.
- Areyou gonna be OK? - Yeah.
All right.
Here's your gun.
Hey, Chip.
How's it goin'? Wow, Chip.
We can't believe we sawyour big wiener! Uh, what B.
J.
means is, we can't believe we saw your big--uh-- d-dancing.
Ah But whywere you the Surgeon? With that big hose, you should have been the Fireman.
Ahem.
Did you do it forthe money, Chip? Yeah.
Myfamily needs it.
They might lose everything! That sleazy M.
C.
said I could make big Deutsche marks ifI would show my svanson noodle.
Nowwhat do I do? Yowe gotta think ofsomething, girlfriends.
I once thought ofsomething.
Wait.
The prudejust came up with a great idea.
[Both.]
Kimberlee, you? Paris? Mr.
Wynne flewwith his dinner companion to Paris? Let me askyou something.
I have frequent flier miles with Valujet.
- Doyou know iftheyflyto P-- - [Dial Tone.]
I just got some bad news from the governor.
Haveyou seen myJ.
P.
?.
I can't talk now, Mayor.
I've got to get to Paris.
Ah, Paris.
City of Lights.
The Champs Elysees, le TourEiffel.
It's also the citywhere yourJ.
P.
has taken Fire Bush to dinner.
What? Merci, Marceau.
What changed your mind? Ifyou can't beat 'em date him.
I'm gonna kill him.
Then I'm gonna wake him up.
Then I'm gonna kill him again! Well? Hey! White Swallow told me about this odd-shaped bread.
Apparentlythey're called "fag-gets.
" I have always wanted to give a girl a pearl necklace.
But what about the mayor? I thoughtyou were engaged.
Ha, ha! That old bag? No way, baby.
I'm a free man in Paris.
Mmm What the hell is-- Ha, ha, ha! Hi, Anita! You got the message to meet me in Paris.
Saveyour crap for the tables, Wynne.
You used me to get the permit, but guess what.
Notch Johnson made some phone calls, and the governor overruled me.
Your request for a gaming application has been denied.
My people have their land back! And the mayor has broken Wynne! Bravo! [Cheering.]
Do I have any horny guys in the house? Huh? Yeah! Yeah! OK, guys, I got some ladies here who are desperate for money.
So I giveyou the Lifeguards! You say deep down, baby O-on a night like this Well, I heard it all before, honey It's time to put your love to the test You've got to show me Ah Show mewhatyou got Show me Ah, come on, baby Show me I'm awareyou're lookin' at me, baby I like theway you feel Just one thing you gotta do, honey Show me that your love's for real You've got to show me Show me, hey-yeah Show mewhatyou got Show me I want something real Show mewhatyou got Oh, oh, oh Show mewhatyou got Oh, hi, teens.
NotchJohnson here.
You know, tonight's show wasn't about anything.
Itwas more ofa statement against the stereotyping ofthe Native Indian American.
You'll noticewe stayed away from all those stereotypes.
How? You might ask.
Well, firstly, when I see those stereotypes, I get heap big sick.
I mean, I just go, "ugh.
" Thirdly, a lot ofthe actors we used tonight are actually part Injun.
And lastly, to avoid the stereotype ofthe drunken Indian, we limited the amount ofalcohol our actors could drink.
No drinkum firewater! So, until next time, this is Notch "LittleWorm" Johnson saying ride the big one.