Son of the Beach (2000) s01e05 Episode Script
Two Thongs Don't Make a Right
Hey, Peter, are we having fun now orwhat? Oh, lots offun, Dad.
That's my boy.
Listen, Peter, your mom tells me thatyou found daddy's special magazines on the top shelfin the garage and took them to school.
Yeah, theywere awesome at show and tell! Listen, Peter, you've got to promise me you won't ever do that again.
Sorry, Dad.
Hey, Dad, can we go look for the nude beach? I heard it's down there somewhere.
Peter! Oh, right, Dad.
Um, Dad? Yeah.
Dad, I'm kind ofhungry.
Uh, doyou think maybe I could have a hot dog? Yeah, sure, pal.
Come on.
I'll raceyou to the hot dog stand.
Well, actually, doyou think I could stay here and finish myfort? Please? I'll be right back.
Don't move.
OK.
Naked chicks! Cool! Peter? Peter! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Yeah, wewere busy lastweek.
Lifeguard! Lifeguard! I can't find my Peter! Don't worry, sir, that's just from swimming in the cold ocean water.
No, see, I was playing with my Peter and I-- And ifyou keep playing with it, it'll come back beforeyou know it.
No, listen! No, Notch, his son's name is Peter.
Oh.
Why didn'tyou say so? [Blows Whistle.]
Tonight's episode [Announcer.]
No real actors were used in the filming oftonight's episode.
Yourfull name? Joseph Anthony Gozigna.
[Notch.]
Nicework, Kimberlee.
Nowyou would enter his name into the computer.
Thankyou, Notch.
Kimberlee's new on thejob, but trust me, sir, you're in good hands.
Sir, my name is B.
J.
Cummings.
I'm a lifeguard slash sketch artist slash model.
I drew a rough composite ofyour child.
Finally, we're getting somewhere! Hopeyou like it.
That looks like Ally McBeal! And Peter's a boy! That's exactly the kind of detail I need.
Nicework, B.
J.
, but I don't think Peter's Jewish.
Sir, how 'bout I drop byyour crib and pick up some ofthose pictures ofthe boy, huh? That's a great idea.
I live on WebsterStreet.
WebsterStreet! Oh, dog! You are livin' large! Hey, everybody! I found a body down in Hummus Cove! Oh, Lord! They took the boy way too soon! Jamaica, it wasn't a boy.
Oh! No, the body found was a female Caucasian pilot.
She was wearing this jacket.
[Notch.]
Earhart.
Any other clues? Just this love letter signed by someone named Roberta.
Roberta, huh.
She must have been reading it while she was going down.
What's with you people? Isn't there anyone here with a brain in their heads? Sir, we're gonna circulate photos, scourthe beach, and alert the media.
Trust me, sir.
We are gonna find your son, and that's a promise! All promises subject to rules and regulations and contain no guarantees.
This offer does not apply to friends and family ofS.
P.
F.
-30.
Miles mayvary.
Void in Nebraska.
Now let's go save a kid! Help! Help! Help! I like it.
And I likeyou, Mayor.
Butwhy doyou think my Legion ofAmerican Decency should support your run for congress? Because, Reverend Green, an organization like L.
O.
A.
D.
has the same values I do.
In a way, I am LOAD.
[Reverend Green.]
Well, ifyou really are LOAD Material, you've got somework to do.
What is it you want me to do? Ban those awful bathing suits.
The kind that display the behinds ofyoung women, save for a tiny strand ofmaterial overthe "buttal" area.
Areyou talking about thongs? The devil's floss! This is notwhat God gave us tuchises for! It's a sin! Perpetrated on decent, God-fearing folk by our "friends" in NewYork.
I never realized the kind of public disturbances thongs can create.
Consider them gone! In that case, I'd love to offeryou the full support of LOAD.
How much support? $50,000 to start.
Ooh! I'll takeyour LOAD.
[Notch.]
Seen a lost boy, anybody? Lost boy, lost boy.
Nino perdito.
[Kimberlee.]
Excuse me, have you seen this child? No, sorry.
Well, he's missing, OK? Oh, guys, guys! Thank God you're here! You know, we could sure useyour help.
Hey, hey! I thought you were gonna help us find this man's little Peter! [Officer.]
OK, hands behind your back.
You're under arrest for breaking the law.
[Notch.]
You're cuffing them? What is the charge? What areyou doing? The same thing you're gonna be doing.
Enforcing the new no thongs policy on this beach.
No thongs? No, thanks.
I won't do it.
Well, then we'll just find a new head lifeguard whowill.
Help! Unh! Naked girls, can you hear me? Naked girls! So let's take notice, everybody.
Firstwe have the standard issue thong.
Easyto spot, easyto remove.
Next to it, its cousin, the T-back.
Note the "T.
" Requires special handling.
And last, but certainly not least, we have the Lewinsky.
I can't believe the cops are more interested in arresting women in thongs than finding a missing boy.
Yeah, that really blows.
B.
J.
, as usual, you've said a mouthful.
I strongly disagree with the mayor on this! Butwe must follow orders! It's always important to follow orders.
[Barks In German.]
Chip, calm down! God, it's only a thong! Big deal! Yeah, before me and my homie B.
J.
were S.
P.
F.
-ers, we used to model thongs.
Really? Whatwas that like? Let's see as I remember [Techno Music Playing.]
Wow, it's really hard being a thong model.
being a thong model.
[Kimberlee.]
Uh, getting back to the mayor, I think she's being influenced by Reverend Green.
[Gasps.]
Reverend Ralph Green? Oh, my God.
B.
J.
, why areyou afraid of Reverend Green? Don't worry, B.
J.
I've had the same fear ofthe clergy ever since Father Kevin's slumber party.
Did he botheryou in some way? Father Kevin? I mean, Reverend Green.
'Cause I'll smack him upside his head.
No, it's not like that.
I'm gonna tell you guys something that I've nevertold anyone.
It's about Reverend Ralph Green.
I'm his I'm his I'm his illegitimate daughter.
Help! Can anyone hear me? [Chanting.]
Wearyourthong, the mayor's wrong! Wearyourthong, the mayor's wrong! Wearyourthong, the mayor's wrong! Wearyourthong, the mayor's wrong! [Chanting.]
Look at the size ofthat demonstration! I justwish that more Americans would adopt thevalues of Mayor Massengil.
In fact, I'm hoping the mayor will accept my LOAD support in her run for Congress.
Why, Reverend Green! I had no idea! Oh, I hardly know what to say.
Ha ha ha.
[Notch.]
B.
J.
Areyou going to confront Reverend Green, your illegitimate father, the man who planted his seed in your mother's unwed womb? Oh, Notch, I don't know ifI'm strong enough.
B.
J.
, I want to showyou a little thing I have in my shorts.
It's a fortune cookie from when I was a lifeguard in Vietnam.
It's a little complex, but see ifyou understand.
"Be honest.
" Be honest.
Be honest? Oh, I get it! Be honest! Likeyou've got to tell the truth! You gotta tell the truth, man.
Thanks.
I knew I could count on you, Notch.
Notch Johnson, we've been watching you enforce the thong ban.
Doyou personally agree with this policy? Well, I mean, I have a job to do here on the beach.
And sometimes thatjob requires things otherthan-- [B.
J.
'SVoice.]
Be honest.
Be honest.
Be honest.
Be honest.
Oh, forgetwhat I just said! Look, in this countrywe have a thing called the Constitution! And it gives us the right to bare arms and legs and breasts, and, yes, even heinie bum-bums! And so, to show my support forthe protesters, I'm wearing a thong! [Wild Cheering.]
[Gasps And Screams Of Revulsion.]
Johnson, this is it! You're fired.
Fine, fire me! But this thong thing really stinks! [Peter.]
Help! Is anyone up there?!.
Lady! Lady, wait! Hello! I'm down here! Can you hear me? Lady, help! [Muffled.]
Can'tyou hear me? Hello? Get offthe hole! Reverend, can I talk toyou? Ifit's about saving your boss' job, that issue is closed.
No, it's about me.
Actually, it's about my mother, Flo Normandie.
Florence N.
Normandie? Why, I have no idea who that is.
Now, get out ofmyway! You're not going anywhere, Papa! [Rock Music From Walkman Plays.]
Lady, you sat on the hole! Get off!.
Can'tyou hear me? I'm down here! [Fart.]
[Louder Fart.]
[Loud, Extended Fart.]
Ugh! Come on! I even know your real name.
Earl Haney.
Here, I want to showyou something that's very important to me.
It's the authentic zirconium locket thatyou gave Mama.
"To Florence, thanks a bunch.
Maybe I'll call.
Earl.
" That's just so romantic.
Listen, darlin', I dearly hope that you find your daddy.
But I am not him.
Bullcrackers! You are my daddy! Am not! Now stay away from me.
Then keep this to remind you ofthe daughter thatyou neverwanted to be reminded of!.
B.
J.
! Wait! [Sobbing.]
[Sobbing.]
God, ifyou get me out ofhere, I won't look through Dad's dirty magazines or search for nude beaches.
And, Lord, I'll never ask to see a beautiful woman ifyou just get me out ofthis cave.
[Screams.]
OK, Lord, I likeyour idea better.
B.
J.
! [B.
J.
.]
We're down here! I'm going! Wait! [Peter.]
Takeyourtime! Well, that's it.
30 years of lifeguard memories are in this bag.
Skipper.
Don't go.
I loveyou.
[Back Cracks.]
[Pained.]
Oh, I loveyou, too, Chip! Well, this is it, homegirl.
[Crying.]
Why areyou going away? [Reverend Green.]
Johnson! You gotta help me! Somebodyfell in a hole up on the bluffs.
Anybodyyou know? Yes, B.
J.
Cummings the lifeguard, also my daughter.
B.
J.
and your daughter both fell in? No.
B.
J.
is my daughter! B.
J.
, can you hear me? [B.
J.
.]
Notch, you've gotta get us out ofhere! The water's rising! High tide's in at 5:00 today.
We really need to hustle, Notch.
Don'tworry! I'm on it! Butyou're off the force, Notch.
Maybe I'm not doing this as Notch Johnson, lifeguard.
Maybe I'm doing this as Notch Johnson, human being, a guywhose onlyfault is caring.
A guywho can'twalk past hungry homeless people without giving them a big smile and a hearty "howdy-do.
" A guywho-- [Peter.]
Hey, dude, today! OK, let's go.
[Reporter.]
Reverend Green, you came here to get rid ofthongs, but nowyou've joined the search for little Peter Gozigna.
Quepasa? Because now, not only is little Peter in that hole, but lifeguard B.
J.
Cummings is in there, too.
And she's my daughter.
OK, take me up.
[Reverend Green.]
See, when I was a young man, I saw B.
J.
's mama Florence on the beach.
There she stood, prettyyoung thing wearing a thong bikini.
[Reporter.]
So, B.
J.
's mother was wearing a thong bikini like that one overthere? [Notch.]
Waah! Uh-oh.
Notch.
Notch! [B.
J.
.]
I'm strapping it on! OK, take him up.
You'll be all right.
Ha ha! Here he is! I loveyou, Dad! Oh, I loveyou, too, son.
Now can we go to the nude beach? Sure, pal, anything you say.
OK, B.
J.
, you're next! We've got a problem! Notch is unconscious! I've been telling people that foryears.
Thereyou have it.
Former Chief Lifeguard Notch Johnson lies unconscious as treacherous water continues to storm in.
Come on, Notch, wake up! Mama, Mama, Mama.
[Excited Babbling.]
Notch, it's me, B.
J.
! B.
J.
, where's Peter? He's been pulled to safety.
Is he OK? Yes, but we've gotta get out ofhere, orwe'll drown.
OK, B.
J.
, you go first! No, Notch, you go.
The world needs Johnson! OK, good idea.
Hey, B.
J.
There's your dad up there! Come on, guys! Get down the rope! Come on! [Notch.]
All right, guys, take her up now! Move it! Move it! [Grunts.]
Daddy's here! Oh! Oh, I love my B.
J.
Go back, water! Go back! So we wait with diminishing hope that Notch Johnson will pull through this.
As we reported earlier, this herowas fired in a bonehead move by Mayor Massengil.
That's nonsense! Not only is Notch Johnson still head lifeguard, he's going to get a big raise.
But only ifhe lives.
OK, I got it.
Take me up! Ow! Come on, guys, now! Get ready for that raise, sucker.
Here comes Notch Johnson now! [Cheering.]
Citizens of Malibu Adjacent, I hereby reinstate thongs on one condition: that Notch Johnson neverwear one.
It's a deal.
Well, gang, it's been quite a day, huh? We reunited an illegitimate father with his bastard daughter.
How 'bout it, huh? That's nice.
And in the process, we resolved a really sticky situation.
Butyou know, whytalk about a thong when you can dance about it? [Cheers.]
Let's do the dance that is so much fun In the U.
S.
A.
it's number one Moving to the front orto the back You'll feel it riding upyour crack Tho-ong It's a thong! Yeah,yeah! Do the thong! Yeah,yeah Shakeyour naked booty all night long Kinda sleek Show some cheek Everybody do the thong Everybody do the thong Everybody do the Thong! Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.
You know, tonight's show was about not being embarrassed byyour looks.
So I've taken off the makeup to showyou this small freckle here.
Can you see it? See, I'm not embarrassed by it.
Or here.
I've got a mole that looks like the black guy on Miami Vice.
Or on my back, I've got an extra Johnson.
Can you see? It's my not-fully-developed twin brother Lloyd.
Can you say hi, Lloyd? [High Voice.]
Hi, Lloyd! Ha ha ha ha! See, I'm not embarrassed by it, either.
So until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying, "Ride the big one.
"
That's my boy.
Listen, Peter, your mom tells me thatyou found daddy's special magazines on the top shelfin the garage and took them to school.
Yeah, theywere awesome at show and tell! Listen, Peter, you've got to promise me you won't ever do that again.
Sorry, Dad.
Hey, Dad, can we go look for the nude beach? I heard it's down there somewhere.
Peter! Oh, right, Dad.
Um, Dad? Yeah.
Dad, I'm kind ofhungry.
Uh, doyou think maybe I could have a hot dog? Yeah, sure, pal.
Come on.
I'll raceyou to the hot dog stand.
Well, actually, doyou think I could stay here and finish myfort? Please? I'll be right back.
Don't move.
OK.
Naked chicks! Cool! Peter? Peter! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Yeah, wewere busy lastweek.
Lifeguard! Lifeguard! I can't find my Peter! Don't worry, sir, that's just from swimming in the cold ocean water.
No, see, I was playing with my Peter and I-- And ifyou keep playing with it, it'll come back beforeyou know it.
No, listen! No, Notch, his son's name is Peter.
Oh.
Why didn'tyou say so? [Blows Whistle.]
Tonight's episode [Announcer.]
No real actors were used in the filming oftonight's episode.
Yourfull name? Joseph Anthony Gozigna.
[Notch.]
Nicework, Kimberlee.
Nowyou would enter his name into the computer.
Thankyou, Notch.
Kimberlee's new on thejob, but trust me, sir, you're in good hands.
Sir, my name is B.
J.
Cummings.
I'm a lifeguard slash sketch artist slash model.
I drew a rough composite ofyour child.
Finally, we're getting somewhere! Hopeyou like it.
That looks like Ally McBeal! And Peter's a boy! That's exactly the kind of detail I need.
Nicework, B.
J.
, but I don't think Peter's Jewish.
Sir, how 'bout I drop byyour crib and pick up some ofthose pictures ofthe boy, huh? That's a great idea.
I live on WebsterStreet.
WebsterStreet! Oh, dog! You are livin' large! Hey, everybody! I found a body down in Hummus Cove! Oh, Lord! They took the boy way too soon! Jamaica, it wasn't a boy.
Oh! No, the body found was a female Caucasian pilot.
She was wearing this jacket.
[Notch.]
Earhart.
Any other clues? Just this love letter signed by someone named Roberta.
Roberta, huh.
She must have been reading it while she was going down.
What's with you people? Isn't there anyone here with a brain in their heads? Sir, we're gonna circulate photos, scourthe beach, and alert the media.
Trust me, sir.
We are gonna find your son, and that's a promise! All promises subject to rules and regulations and contain no guarantees.
This offer does not apply to friends and family ofS.
P.
F.
-30.
Miles mayvary.
Void in Nebraska.
Now let's go save a kid! Help! Help! Help! I like it.
And I likeyou, Mayor.
Butwhy doyou think my Legion ofAmerican Decency should support your run for congress? Because, Reverend Green, an organization like L.
O.
A.
D.
has the same values I do.
In a way, I am LOAD.
[Reverend Green.]
Well, ifyou really are LOAD Material, you've got somework to do.
What is it you want me to do? Ban those awful bathing suits.
The kind that display the behinds ofyoung women, save for a tiny strand ofmaterial overthe "buttal" area.
Areyou talking about thongs? The devil's floss! This is notwhat God gave us tuchises for! It's a sin! Perpetrated on decent, God-fearing folk by our "friends" in NewYork.
I never realized the kind of public disturbances thongs can create.
Consider them gone! In that case, I'd love to offeryou the full support of LOAD.
How much support? $50,000 to start.
Ooh! I'll takeyour LOAD.
[Notch.]
Seen a lost boy, anybody? Lost boy, lost boy.
Nino perdito.
[Kimberlee.]
Excuse me, have you seen this child? No, sorry.
Well, he's missing, OK? Oh, guys, guys! Thank God you're here! You know, we could sure useyour help.
Hey, hey! I thought you were gonna help us find this man's little Peter! [Officer.]
OK, hands behind your back.
You're under arrest for breaking the law.
[Notch.]
You're cuffing them? What is the charge? What areyou doing? The same thing you're gonna be doing.
Enforcing the new no thongs policy on this beach.
No thongs? No, thanks.
I won't do it.
Well, then we'll just find a new head lifeguard whowill.
Help! Unh! Naked girls, can you hear me? Naked girls! So let's take notice, everybody.
Firstwe have the standard issue thong.
Easyto spot, easyto remove.
Next to it, its cousin, the T-back.
Note the "T.
" Requires special handling.
And last, but certainly not least, we have the Lewinsky.
I can't believe the cops are more interested in arresting women in thongs than finding a missing boy.
Yeah, that really blows.
B.
J.
, as usual, you've said a mouthful.
I strongly disagree with the mayor on this! Butwe must follow orders! It's always important to follow orders.
[Barks In German.]
Chip, calm down! God, it's only a thong! Big deal! Yeah, before me and my homie B.
J.
were S.
P.
F.
-ers, we used to model thongs.
Really? Whatwas that like? Let's see as I remember [Techno Music Playing.]
Wow, it's really hard being a thong model.
being a thong model.
[Kimberlee.]
Uh, getting back to the mayor, I think she's being influenced by Reverend Green.
[Gasps.]
Reverend Ralph Green? Oh, my God.
B.
J.
, why areyou afraid of Reverend Green? Don't worry, B.
J.
I've had the same fear ofthe clergy ever since Father Kevin's slumber party.
Did he botheryou in some way? Father Kevin? I mean, Reverend Green.
'Cause I'll smack him upside his head.
No, it's not like that.
I'm gonna tell you guys something that I've nevertold anyone.
It's about Reverend Ralph Green.
I'm his I'm his I'm his illegitimate daughter.
Help! Can anyone hear me? [Chanting.]
Wearyourthong, the mayor's wrong! Wearyourthong, the mayor's wrong! Wearyourthong, the mayor's wrong! Wearyourthong, the mayor's wrong! [Chanting.]
Look at the size ofthat demonstration! I justwish that more Americans would adopt thevalues of Mayor Massengil.
In fact, I'm hoping the mayor will accept my LOAD support in her run for Congress.
Why, Reverend Green! I had no idea! Oh, I hardly know what to say.
Ha ha ha.
[Notch.]
B.
J.
Areyou going to confront Reverend Green, your illegitimate father, the man who planted his seed in your mother's unwed womb? Oh, Notch, I don't know ifI'm strong enough.
B.
J.
, I want to showyou a little thing I have in my shorts.
It's a fortune cookie from when I was a lifeguard in Vietnam.
It's a little complex, but see ifyou understand.
"Be honest.
" Be honest.
Be honest? Oh, I get it! Be honest! Likeyou've got to tell the truth! You gotta tell the truth, man.
Thanks.
I knew I could count on you, Notch.
Notch Johnson, we've been watching you enforce the thong ban.
Doyou personally agree with this policy? Well, I mean, I have a job to do here on the beach.
And sometimes thatjob requires things otherthan-- [B.
J.
'SVoice.]
Be honest.
Be honest.
Be honest.
Be honest.
Oh, forgetwhat I just said! Look, in this countrywe have a thing called the Constitution! And it gives us the right to bare arms and legs and breasts, and, yes, even heinie bum-bums! And so, to show my support forthe protesters, I'm wearing a thong! [Wild Cheering.]
[Gasps And Screams Of Revulsion.]
Johnson, this is it! You're fired.
Fine, fire me! But this thong thing really stinks! [Peter.]
Help! Is anyone up there?!.
Lady! Lady, wait! Hello! I'm down here! Can you hear me? Lady, help! [Muffled.]
Can'tyou hear me? Hello? Get offthe hole! Reverend, can I talk toyou? Ifit's about saving your boss' job, that issue is closed.
No, it's about me.
Actually, it's about my mother, Flo Normandie.
Florence N.
Normandie? Why, I have no idea who that is.
Now, get out ofmyway! You're not going anywhere, Papa! [Rock Music From Walkman Plays.]
Lady, you sat on the hole! Get off!.
Can'tyou hear me? I'm down here! [Fart.]
[Louder Fart.]
[Loud, Extended Fart.]
Ugh! Come on! I even know your real name.
Earl Haney.
Here, I want to showyou something that's very important to me.
It's the authentic zirconium locket thatyou gave Mama.
"To Florence, thanks a bunch.
Maybe I'll call.
Earl.
" That's just so romantic.
Listen, darlin', I dearly hope that you find your daddy.
But I am not him.
Bullcrackers! You are my daddy! Am not! Now stay away from me.
Then keep this to remind you ofthe daughter thatyou neverwanted to be reminded of!.
B.
J.
! Wait! [Sobbing.]
[Sobbing.]
God, ifyou get me out ofhere, I won't look through Dad's dirty magazines or search for nude beaches.
And, Lord, I'll never ask to see a beautiful woman ifyou just get me out ofthis cave.
[Screams.]
OK, Lord, I likeyour idea better.
B.
J.
! [B.
J.
.]
We're down here! I'm going! Wait! [Peter.]
Takeyourtime! Well, that's it.
30 years of lifeguard memories are in this bag.
Skipper.
Don't go.
I loveyou.
[Back Cracks.]
[Pained.]
Oh, I loveyou, too, Chip! Well, this is it, homegirl.
[Crying.]
Why areyou going away? [Reverend Green.]
Johnson! You gotta help me! Somebodyfell in a hole up on the bluffs.
Anybodyyou know? Yes, B.
J.
Cummings the lifeguard, also my daughter.
B.
J.
and your daughter both fell in? No.
B.
J.
is my daughter! B.
J.
, can you hear me? [B.
J.
.]
Notch, you've gotta get us out ofhere! The water's rising! High tide's in at 5:00 today.
We really need to hustle, Notch.
Don'tworry! I'm on it! Butyou're off the force, Notch.
Maybe I'm not doing this as Notch Johnson, lifeguard.
Maybe I'm doing this as Notch Johnson, human being, a guywhose onlyfault is caring.
A guywho can'twalk past hungry homeless people without giving them a big smile and a hearty "howdy-do.
" A guywho-- [Peter.]
Hey, dude, today! OK, let's go.
[Reporter.]
Reverend Green, you came here to get rid ofthongs, but nowyou've joined the search for little Peter Gozigna.
Quepasa? Because now, not only is little Peter in that hole, but lifeguard B.
J.
Cummings is in there, too.
And she's my daughter.
OK, take me up.
[Reverend Green.]
See, when I was a young man, I saw B.
J.
's mama Florence on the beach.
There she stood, prettyyoung thing wearing a thong bikini.
[Reporter.]
So, B.
J.
's mother was wearing a thong bikini like that one overthere? [Notch.]
Waah! Uh-oh.
Notch.
Notch! [B.
J.
.]
I'm strapping it on! OK, take him up.
You'll be all right.
Ha ha! Here he is! I loveyou, Dad! Oh, I loveyou, too, son.
Now can we go to the nude beach? Sure, pal, anything you say.
OK, B.
J.
, you're next! We've got a problem! Notch is unconscious! I've been telling people that foryears.
Thereyou have it.
Former Chief Lifeguard Notch Johnson lies unconscious as treacherous water continues to storm in.
Come on, Notch, wake up! Mama, Mama, Mama.
[Excited Babbling.]
Notch, it's me, B.
J.
! B.
J.
, where's Peter? He's been pulled to safety.
Is he OK? Yes, but we've gotta get out ofhere, orwe'll drown.
OK, B.
J.
, you go first! No, Notch, you go.
The world needs Johnson! OK, good idea.
Hey, B.
J.
There's your dad up there! Come on, guys! Get down the rope! Come on! [Notch.]
All right, guys, take her up now! Move it! Move it! [Grunts.]
Daddy's here! Oh! Oh, I love my B.
J.
Go back, water! Go back! So we wait with diminishing hope that Notch Johnson will pull through this.
As we reported earlier, this herowas fired in a bonehead move by Mayor Massengil.
That's nonsense! Not only is Notch Johnson still head lifeguard, he's going to get a big raise.
But only ifhe lives.
OK, I got it.
Take me up! Ow! Come on, guys, now! Get ready for that raise, sucker.
Here comes Notch Johnson now! [Cheering.]
Citizens of Malibu Adjacent, I hereby reinstate thongs on one condition: that Notch Johnson neverwear one.
It's a deal.
Well, gang, it's been quite a day, huh? We reunited an illegitimate father with his bastard daughter.
How 'bout it, huh? That's nice.
And in the process, we resolved a really sticky situation.
Butyou know, whytalk about a thong when you can dance about it? [Cheers.]
Let's do the dance that is so much fun In the U.
S.
A.
it's number one Moving to the front orto the back You'll feel it riding upyour crack Tho-ong It's a thong! Yeah,yeah! Do the thong! Yeah,yeah Shakeyour naked booty all night long Kinda sleek Show some cheek Everybody do the thong Everybody do the thong Everybody do the Thong! Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.
You know, tonight's show was about not being embarrassed byyour looks.
So I've taken off the makeup to showyou this small freckle here.
Can you see it? See, I'm not embarrassed by it.
Or here.
I've got a mole that looks like the black guy on Miami Vice.
Or on my back, I've got an extra Johnson.
Can you see? It's my not-fully-developed twin brother Lloyd.
Can you say hi, Lloyd? [High Voice.]
Hi, Lloyd! Ha ha ha ha! See, I'm not embarrassed by it, either.
So until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying, "Ride the big one.
"