Son of the Beach (2000) s01e11 Episode Script
A Star Is Boned
Coming up.
[ Man .]
Regina! Regina! Hi! I loveyou, too! [ Man .]
Regina! I'm gonna throw it off.
Ahh! I can't believe I am this close to Regina Streep.
I mean, I have seen all ofher movies.
What a talented actress! Just look at her lip gloss! [Jamaica .]
Well, the girl ain't all that anymore.
This is a TV movie.
Worseyet,Jamaica, it's on basic cable.
The Wetness ofDreams, take one.
Action! Ooh! Halibut, Halibut fear me not, Halibut.
I carry no hooks.
I hold no tartar sauce.
Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Help! I think she needs help.
[ Choking .]
[ Regina .]
Help! Aah! Oh! Aah! [ Choking .]
[ Gasps .]
Uhh! [ Gasps .]
[ Inhales And Exhales .]
Oh! Hey, lifeguard is that some driftwood in your pocket or areyou just happyto see me? Huh? Oh, that! No, that's a piece of driftwood.
[ Announcer.]
Tonight's episode-- [ Announcer.]
Guests ofour show receive "'Son ofthe Beach, the Home Game.
"' Please! This attempted murder is just an isolated incident.
[ Shouting Questions .]
Mr.
Johnson I'm Stevens, Miss Streep's driver.
This was the third attempt on her life this month.
Really? I didn't know.
Thanks, Stu.
There's only one star here today and that's the man who saved my life Mr.
Notch Johnson.
[ Shouting Questions .]
Their mouth-to-mouth is turning into monkey business.
No, it's not like that.
Notch saved her life, that's all.
Yo, yo, yo, guys.
I have got to find a way to raise money for Beaches in da Hood.
Jamaica, who are these beaches? It's my foundation.
I talk to inner city kids about what it's like at the beach.
This year, I'm bringing postcards and a bucket ofsand.
So how can we raise money? We can't do another carwash like lastyear.
Uhh! What a disaster! That carwash was a big, soapy bust.
Word.
There's nothing between me and Notch and I doubtvery much that Notch is a bachelor.
A bachelor? [ Music Plays .]
[ Applause.]
Thankyou.
I love Beaches in da Hood because it makes much more sense bringing the beach to the ghetto than shoving all those folks up here.
Thankyou.
We've got some terrific bachelors here tonight and I know one I'll be bidding on.
[ Audience Cheers .]
B.
J.
, do me a favor.
Whateverthe mayor bids for me outbid her! Chip, I don't have any money.
Please.
Fine.
And now, our host for the evening a great lifeguard and a fine, hardworking blackAfrican American person of color Jamaica St.
Croix.
[ Applause .]
[Jamaica .]
Thankyou! Whoo! This evening is something I've been looking forward to foryears cause, uh, it's my chance to sell some white people.
[ Laughter.]
Whoo! But seriously our first bachelor is someone we like to call the Hunker from the Bunker Mr.
Chip Rommel.
[ Applause .]
Chip's likes include bodybuilding cycling and historical denial.
500 dollars.
[Applause.]
600 dollars.
[Applause.]
Let's finish this now.
One thousand dollars and that's myfinal bid.
[Jamaica .]
Whoowee! A thousand dollars, going once going twice-- One thousand and one dollar.
Sold, to B.
J.
Cummings for one thousand and one dollars! [ Applause .]
Fine.
Take him but ifI find outyou haven't paid for him, B.
J.
you'll be down on your knees.
So.
And now for the man you've all been waiting for Mr.
Notch Johnson! [ Applause .]
Let's start the bidding for Notch at-- I bid one hundred thousand dollars.
Huh? [ Shouts And Applause.]
[Announcer.]
Dateline, Hollywood.
Actress Regina Streep is back in the chips with movie offers galore.
That is since international playboy and lifeguard Notch Johnson plucked thewet Regina from the water.
I love the beach at dawn.
Stevens, wait for us in the car.
Regina there have been other incidents, haven't there? Maybe but that was before you came into my life.
Now let's talk about us.
Whoa.
Back off, Hollywood.
I'm not that easy.
Should have known.
Maybe another time.
Stevens, start the car.
[ Engine Starts .]
Aah! Stevens! Not Stevens! Notch, someone's trying to kill me.
I don't want to die! Nobody's going to die.
I'm going to beyour bodyguard.
"' Last night, in Malibu Adjacent a man was blown up.
No trace was found ofStevens actress Regina Streep's driver.
At the time, Miss Streep was with Notch Johnson having hot sex.
"' Oh, please.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! What? What's so funny? Kimberlee, you obviously have a crush on Notch.
Notch and Kimberlee sitting on the tree Kah-e-s-s-e-n-gay Ha ha ha ha ha! Guys, trust me.
I do not have a crush on Notch Johnson.
Yes, I had them all in tears.
You'd bevery proud.
Come on.
And, um, are they making an offer? Back! But they liked me? They really liked me? Oh! That's wonderful news, darling.
Ha ha ha! What? What is it? Did theyfind Stevens' killer? No, but I'm being considered to play opposite BruceWillis in Die Hard5! That's terrific, but what about Stevens? Oh, God.
There I go again thinking about my career.
I'm so ashamed.
Notch, come inside.
I think I need to get awayfrom it all.
[ Squawk.]
I've got to get out ofthese clothes.
Regina, doyou have any idea who might be trying to kill you? I don't know.
Stevens said therewere notes.
I think they're on the credenza.
The table.
What an idiot.
Who spells whore with a "'W"'? Notch.
I need something to take my mind off ofit all.
You'revery beautiful.
Take me, lifeguard.
It's not that simple, Hollywood.
Is there someone else? Her name was Mary.
We were very much in love.
Until that shark came along.
He could've gone for me but instead he went for my beautiful [ Sobs .]
Mary.
[ Crying .]
Why did the shark go after Mary? You see, Regina, sharks love blood and what Mary didn't tell mewas her friend was in town.
Her friend? Her Aunt Flo.
The red menace? Her feminine cycle.
[ Crying .]
Itwas theworst period ofmy life.
Maybe I can helpyou forget.
That's a pretty good start.
You don't have my money for Beaches in da Hood? - Uh-uh.
- Uh-uh? Well, I did get 1 00 Gs from Regina.
All right.
You're offthe hook.
[ Sighs .]
Like hell they are! Now, listen, you two.
You have six hours to paySt.
Croix and ifyou don't her new foundation will be called Beaches in the Prison.
Grr.
Boy,Jamaica I'd hate to see someone stickyou in the poky.
What is it? Got food forthe lady.
That's odd.
My lunch is usually made byWolfgang Puck.
This is from some other restaurant.
Doyou think it could be poison? Yeah, normally, Regina, I don't believe in the testing on animals but, uh, yeah, let's see what happens.
Huh? This lunch tastes like crap.
This is poison.
Goddamn you.
Aah! That's Stevens.
But I thought hewas blown up.
Someone tried to poison me but thankfully, Notch Johnson once again saved my life.
Can you tell us anything else about this incident? I thinkwe're about finished here.
Thanks for coming.
I want to be alone, darling.
Honey, anybodythatwants to enterthis trailer will have to enter me first.
[ Reporter.]
Regina, excuse me! [ Shouting Questions .]
Notch, we need to talk.
- OK.
- OK.
Who areyou? I didn't ask for my plants to be watered.
I didn't think itwas safe to be here.
Don't worry.
I told that moron I wanted to be alone.
I couldn't stand the thought ofyou with that idiot anymore.
You can't imagine how disgusting itwas.
During sex, he shouts his own name.
Regina, being here is risky.
Surelyyou didn't call me up just towatch you drink.
Shut up and read.
Ah.
"'In addition to Regina Streep AngelineJolie is also up forthe lead in Die Hard5.
" AngelineJolie is a hack! I'm a real star.
That partwill put me back on topwhere I belong once I get some much-needed publicity.
More publicity? It'll be the story ofthe century.
Notch Johnson is going to die trying to save Regina Streep.
How's he gonna die? You're going to kill him and make it look like an accident.
I won't do it.
Yes, you will.
Chip, you were supposed to have the laundry done an hour ago.
I'm sorry.
I've been trying to raise money so I don't have to go on that date with the mayor.
But, Chip, all we have are these skimpy towels and neither one of us is wearing any underwear.
OK, OK.
I'm hurrying.
All I have to do is add detergent.
- [ Buzzes .]
- [Jamaica .]
It's about time.
[ Gasps .]
Chip, what happened to our suits? I must have put bleach in thewasher by accident.
Nowwhat'rewe gonna do? Ugh.
Our shift starts in two minutes.
And we can't go out there in these skimpytowels.
Neither one ofus is wearing any underwear.
Stevens is alive? But the car exploded.
It sounds crazy, but I saw him.
He disguised himself as a food delivery man bywearing a mask.
Hmm.
Look, I'm just sayin' I thinkyou should be careful.
What are people going to think? I just hope these suits don't get us fired.
Wait, wait! I'll tell Notch itwas all myfault right before my date with the mayor.
Excuse me, where did you get that bathing suit? Actually, itwas an accident.
See, Chip here-- It's so cool! I'll giveyou $1 00 for it right now.
Hey, I love that suit.
I'll giveyou 1 50.
Ooh, do I hear 200? [ Notch .]
Yeah, I thought aboutjoining the academy.
[ Sobbing .]
Ugh! Regina, what's wrong? It's nothing.
I'm fine.
Hey, I'm your bodyguard, damn it.
Now, what's the problem? I'm doing a dangerous stunt today and I'm afraid the murderer's going to kill me.
I don't want to die.
[ Sobbing .]
Just be careful.
I'll do the stunt, Hollywood.
No, Notch.
I wouldn't dream ofit.
Nobody dies on mywatch.
I'm doing the stunt! Oh, Chip.
I'm ready for my date and bythe looks ofyour shorts, you are, too.
Jamaica, here's a check for $1,000.
Jamaica, whytake a check for 1,000 when you could have 1,001 in cold cash? Chip, where did you get such a hugewad? Let's just saywe had a nice day at the bleach.
[ Laughing .]
Tread water, Halibut.
I'm coming foryou.
Cut! Oh, Regina, thatwas perfect.
Perfect, dear.
We gotyour close-up.
Is Notch here to do the real stunt? Indeed, I am! Just tell mewhere to land this thing.
Notch is ready! I'm readyto go! Fishermen are ready! OK, people, herewe go.
Be careful, my darling.
I loveyou so much.
And action! [ Director.]
Notch is in the air! The fishermen see him.
Regina sees the fishermen.
The fishermen aim their guns and they fire! [ Gunshots .]
Uhh! Aah! Oh, my God.
Notch has been shot.
Oh! Oh, he's dead.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The killer replaced the blanks with real bullets.
[ Spitting .]
Actually, I'm OK.
What? I mean, oh! Oh, thank heaven.
Excuse me, Regina.
How did you know those bullets were real? Well, I-- Regina did you know that I have perfect breasts? Well, I do.
Firm, round, supple easy on the eyes, and smooth to the touch.
Too bad they're fake.
Unh! [ Gasps .]
You'll find those real bullets that Regina knew about in there.
And no doubt one of these fishermen is - Stevens! - Hey! Oh.
Is-- Unh! Is Stevens! It was her idea! I'm ready for my close-up, Mr.
Scorsese.
Who areyou talking to? Book her! Attempted Murder One.
Beautiful night, huh, Notch? Ah.
That moon sure is smilin' at us.
Uh, Kimberlee, I-- I can't thankyou enough.
Oh, I'm a lifeguard.
It's myjob.
Well, it's not every day you fall in love with someone only to find out she's trying to kill you.
Don't worry, you'll find someone new.
I don't know.
First Mary and now Regina.
Notch, you can't be afraid.
You deserve a really great woman.
Well, uh, thanks forthe advice.
Uh, Notch, you have another piece of driftwood in your shorts.
Huh? Yeah, driftwood.
I'll, uh-- I'll take care ofthat when I get home.
Well, good night.
[ Man .]
Regina! Regina! Hi! I loveyou, too! [ Man .]
Regina! I'm gonna throw it off.
Ahh! I can't believe I am this close to Regina Streep.
I mean, I have seen all ofher movies.
What a talented actress! Just look at her lip gloss! [Jamaica .]
Well, the girl ain't all that anymore.
This is a TV movie.
Worseyet,Jamaica, it's on basic cable.
The Wetness ofDreams, take one.
Action! Ooh! Halibut, Halibut fear me not, Halibut.
I carry no hooks.
I hold no tartar sauce.
Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Help! I think she needs help.
[ Choking .]
[ Regina .]
Help! Aah! Oh! Aah! [ Choking .]
[ Gasps .]
Uhh! [ Gasps .]
[ Inhales And Exhales .]
Oh! Hey, lifeguard is that some driftwood in your pocket or areyou just happyto see me? Huh? Oh, that! No, that's a piece of driftwood.
[ Announcer.]
Tonight's episode-- [ Announcer.]
Guests ofour show receive "'Son ofthe Beach, the Home Game.
"' Please! This attempted murder is just an isolated incident.
[ Shouting Questions .]
Mr.
Johnson I'm Stevens, Miss Streep's driver.
This was the third attempt on her life this month.
Really? I didn't know.
Thanks, Stu.
There's only one star here today and that's the man who saved my life Mr.
Notch Johnson.
[ Shouting Questions .]
Their mouth-to-mouth is turning into monkey business.
No, it's not like that.
Notch saved her life, that's all.
Yo, yo, yo, guys.
I have got to find a way to raise money for Beaches in da Hood.
Jamaica, who are these beaches? It's my foundation.
I talk to inner city kids about what it's like at the beach.
This year, I'm bringing postcards and a bucket ofsand.
So how can we raise money? We can't do another carwash like lastyear.
Uhh! What a disaster! That carwash was a big, soapy bust.
Word.
There's nothing between me and Notch and I doubtvery much that Notch is a bachelor.
A bachelor? [ Music Plays .]
[ Applause.]
Thankyou.
I love Beaches in da Hood because it makes much more sense bringing the beach to the ghetto than shoving all those folks up here.
Thankyou.
We've got some terrific bachelors here tonight and I know one I'll be bidding on.
[ Audience Cheers .]
B.
J.
, do me a favor.
Whateverthe mayor bids for me outbid her! Chip, I don't have any money.
Please.
Fine.
And now, our host for the evening a great lifeguard and a fine, hardworking blackAfrican American person of color Jamaica St.
Croix.
[ Applause .]
[Jamaica .]
Thankyou! Whoo! This evening is something I've been looking forward to foryears cause, uh, it's my chance to sell some white people.
[ Laughter.]
Whoo! But seriously our first bachelor is someone we like to call the Hunker from the Bunker Mr.
Chip Rommel.
[ Applause .]
Chip's likes include bodybuilding cycling and historical denial.
500 dollars.
[Applause.]
600 dollars.
[Applause.]
Let's finish this now.
One thousand dollars and that's myfinal bid.
[Jamaica .]
Whoowee! A thousand dollars, going once going twice-- One thousand and one dollar.
Sold, to B.
J.
Cummings for one thousand and one dollars! [ Applause .]
Fine.
Take him but ifI find outyou haven't paid for him, B.
J.
you'll be down on your knees.
So.
And now for the man you've all been waiting for Mr.
Notch Johnson! [ Applause .]
Let's start the bidding for Notch at-- I bid one hundred thousand dollars.
Huh? [ Shouts And Applause.]
[Announcer.]
Dateline, Hollywood.
Actress Regina Streep is back in the chips with movie offers galore.
That is since international playboy and lifeguard Notch Johnson plucked thewet Regina from the water.
I love the beach at dawn.
Stevens, wait for us in the car.
Regina there have been other incidents, haven't there? Maybe but that was before you came into my life.
Now let's talk about us.
Whoa.
Back off, Hollywood.
I'm not that easy.
Should have known.
Maybe another time.
Stevens, start the car.
[ Engine Starts .]
Aah! Stevens! Not Stevens! Notch, someone's trying to kill me.
I don't want to die! Nobody's going to die.
I'm going to beyour bodyguard.
"' Last night, in Malibu Adjacent a man was blown up.
No trace was found ofStevens actress Regina Streep's driver.
At the time, Miss Streep was with Notch Johnson having hot sex.
"' Oh, please.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! What? What's so funny? Kimberlee, you obviously have a crush on Notch.
Notch and Kimberlee sitting on the tree Kah-e-s-s-e-n-gay Ha ha ha ha ha! Guys, trust me.
I do not have a crush on Notch Johnson.
Yes, I had them all in tears.
You'd bevery proud.
Come on.
And, um, are they making an offer? Back! But they liked me? They really liked me? Oh! That's wonderful news, darling.
Ha ha ha! What? What is it? Did theyfind Stevens' killer? No, but I'm being considered to play opposite BruceWillis in Die Hard5! That's terrific, but what about Stevens? Oh, God.
There I go again thinking about my career.
I'm so ashamed.
Notch, come inside.
I think I need to get awayfrom it all.
[ Squawk.]
I've got to get out ofthese clothes.
Regina, doyou have any idea who might be trying to kill you? I don't know.
Stevens said therewere notes.
I think they're on the credenza.
The table.
What an idiot.
Who spells whore with a "'W"'? Notch.
I need something to take my mind off ofit all.
You'revery beautiful.
Take me, lifeguard.
It's not that simple, Hollywood.
Is there someone else? Her name was Mary.
We were very much in love.
Until that shark came along.
He could've gone for me but instead he went for my beautiful [ Sobs .]
Mary.
[ Crying .]
Why did the shark go after Mary? You see, Regina, sharks love blood and what Mary didn't tell mewas her friend was in town.
Her friend? Her Aunt Flo.
The red menace? Her feminine cycle.
[ Crying .]
Itwas theworst period ofmy life.
Maybe I can helpyou forget.
That's a pretty good start.
You don't have my money for Beaches in da Hood? - Uh-uh.
- Uh-uh? Well, I did get 1 00 Gs from Regina.
All right.
You're offthe hook.
[ Sighs .]
Like hell they are! Now, listen, you two.
You have six hours to paySt.
Croix and ifyou don't her new foundation will be called Beaches in the Prison.
Grr.
Boy,Jamaica I'd hate to see someone stickyou in the poky.
What is it? Got food forthe lady.
That's odd.
My lunch is usually made byWolfgang Puck.
This is from some other restaurant.
Doyou think it could be poison? Yeah, normally, Regina, I don't believe in the testing on animals but, uh, yeah, let's see what happens.
Huh? This lunch tastes like crap.
This is poison.
Goddamn you.
Aah! That's Stevens.
But I thought hewas blown up.
Someone tried to poison me but thankfully, Notch Johnson once again saved my life.
Can you tell us anything else about this incident? I thinkwe're about finished here.
Thanks for coming.
I want to be alone, darling.
Honey, anybodythatwants to enterthis trailer will have to enter me first.
[ Reporter.]
Regina, excuse me! [ Shouting Questions .]
Notch, we need to talk.
- OK.
- OK.
Who areyou? I didn't ask for my plants to be watered.
I didn't think itwas safe to be here.
Don't worry.
I told that moron I wanted to be alone.
I couldn't stand the thought ofyou with that idiot anymore.
You can't imagine how disgusting itwas.
During sex, he shouts his own name.
Regina, being here is risky.
Surelyyou didn't call me up just towatch you drink.
Shut up and read.
Ah.
"'In addition to Regina Streep AngelineJolie is also up forthe lead in Die Hard5.
" AngelineJolie is a hack! I'm a real star.
That partwill put me back on topwhere I belong once I get some much-needed publicity.
More publicity? It'll be the story ofthe century.
Notch Johnson is going to die trying to save Regina Streep.
How's he gonna die? You're going to kill him and make it look like an accident.
I won't do it.
Yes, you will.
Chip, you were supposed to have the laundry done an hour ago.
I'm sorry.
I've been trying to raise money so I don't have to go on that date with the mayor.
But, Chip, all we have are these skimpy towels and neither one of us is wearing any underwear.
OK, OK.
I'm hurrying.
All I have to do is add detergent.
- [ Buzzes .]
- [Jamaica .]
It's about time.
[ Gasps .]
Chip, what happened to our suits? I must have put bleach in thewasher by accident.
Nowwhat'rewe gonna do? Ugh.
Our shift starts in two minutes.
And we can't go out there in these skimpytowels.
Neither one ofus is wearing any underwear.
Stevens is alive? But the car exploded.
It sounds crazy, but I saw him.
He disguised himself as a food delivery man bywearing a mask.
Hmm.
Look, I'm just sayin' I thinkyou should be careful.
What are people going to think? I just hope these suits don't get us fired.
Wait, wait! I'll tell Notch itwas all myfault right before my date with the mayor.
Excuse me, where did you get that bathing suit? Actually, itwas an accident.
See, Chip here-- It's so cool! I'll giveyou $1 00 for it right now.
Hey, I love that suit.
I'll giveyou 1 50.
Ooh, do I hear 200? [ Notch .]
Yeah, I thought aboutjoining the academy.
[ Sobbing .]
Ugh! Regina, what's wrong? It's nothing.
I'm fine.
Hey, I'm your bodyguard, damn it.
Now, what's the problem? I'm doing a dangerous stunt today and I'm afraid the murderer's going to kill me.
I don't want to die.
[ Sobbing .]
Just be careful.
I'll do the stunt, Hollywood.
No, Notch.
I wouldn't dream ofit.
Nobody dies on mywatch.
I'm doing the stunt! Oh, Chip.
I'm ready for my date and bythe looks ofyour shorts, you are, too.
Jamaica, here's a check for $1,000.
Jamaica, whytake a check for 1,000 when you could have 1,001 in cold cash? Chip, where did you get such a hugewad? Let's just saywe had a nice day at the bleach.
[ Laughing .]
Tread water, Halibut.
I'm coming foryou.
Cut! Oh, Regina, thatwas perfect.
Perfect, dear.
We gotyour close-up.
Is Notch here to do the real stunt? Indeed, I am! Just tell mewhere to land this thing.
Notch is ready! I'm readyto go! Fishermen are ready! OK, people, herewe go.
Be careful, my darling.
I loveyou so much.
And action! [ Director.]
Notch is in the air! The fishermen see him.
Regina sees the fishermen.
The fishermen aim their guns and they fire! [ Gunshots .]
Uhh! Aah! Oh, my God.
Notch has been shot.
Oh! Oh, he's dead.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The killer replaced the blanks with real bullets.
[ Spitting .]
Actually, I'm OK.
What? I mean, oh! Oh, thank heaven.
Excuse me, Regina.
How did you know those bullets were real? Well, I-- Regina did you know that I have perfect breasts? Well, I do.
Firm, round, supple easy on the eyes, and smooth to the touch.
Too bad they're fake.
Unh! [ Gasps .]
You'll find those real bullets that Regina knew about in there.
And no doubt one of these fishermen is - Stevens! - Hey! Oh.
Is-- Unh! Is Stevens! It was her idea! I'm ready for my close-up, Mr.
Scorsese.
Who areyou talking to? Book her! Attempted Murder One.
Beautiful night, huh, Notch? Ah.
That moon sure is smilin' at us.
Uh, Kimberlee, I-- I can't thankyou enough.
Oh, I'm a lifeguard.
It's myjob.
Well, it's not every day you fall in love with someone only to find out she's trying to kill you.
Don't worry, you'll find someone new.
I don't know.
First Mary and now Regina.
Notch, you can't be afraid.
You deserve a really great woman.
Well, uh, thanks forthe advice.
Uh, Notch, you have another piece of driftwood in your shorts.
Huh? Yeah, driftwood.
I'll, uh-- I'll take care ofthat when I get home.
Well, good night.